Do you think too much? I do. Sometimes, I think so much that it just doesn't fit in my bowl-like brain anymore. It's a big problem for me.
This is the towel I stuck under the bowl to soak up all that delicious over-thought and spread it to those out of its delightful reach :P
In 2011, I wrote 45 minutes worth of material over a 3 month period; the resulting compilation was called Brutal Honesty. 10 minutes of monologue was dedicated to talking about Sally, a girl I liked for 2 years in high school. The material for the show wasn't very funny, and the Sally material was no exception. It wasn't brutal honesty on my part; it was honestly brutal on the audience's part (I seriously don't know how they sat through it). Because of this, I'm currently working on a bunch of material for another extended show called Special Provocations which I intend to record at home, rather than before a live audience. It was originally meant to be an amended version of the previous show, but after watching the footage, I decided it isn't worth re-using— my delivery was so weak throughout the performance that even the successful lines were rendered unusable. Part of this new material has me talking about my Year 12 Formal and after-party, critiquing my mindset and my actions at the event, including how my writing about my previous admiration Sally for Brutal Honesty, when combined with the loneliness I felt at that time, helped rekindle my interest in her. I've mentioned Sally and my Formal/after-party a million times, so I can understand how it might seem obsessive, and I've seen how that obsession can manifest in a negative way. In writing the Sally material for Brutal Honesty, as I just mentioned, I started to become attracted to her again—I was looking at her more and more, having repeated romantic/sexual fantasies involving her, even wanting to ask her to be my date for the Formal. And in writing the Formal/after-party material for Special Provocations, I've thought about what's Sally's doing now, what she remembers of that evening—as well as wanting to know if she knows what I said about her on this blog, and what her opinion of me is, if she has one at all. One of my reasons for writing this new material about the Formal/after-party is so she might see it and laugh at it. Whether her lack of enjoyment that night was my fault or not, it'd make me really happy to know she got a laugh out of my talking about it. It's not as if any of this stuff matters anymore, especially to her, but I still have this urge in me to make things right, to clear the air, and to know everything's OK with her regarding this subject—not to just think it's OK, but to know it's OK. I wrote this in a private journal entry:
I wonder if I’ll ever see [Sally] again, if we’ll ever speak
again. I picture us meeting at our school reunion, her reaction different each
time. Sometimes, she smiles upon seeing me, gives me a quick hug, and we just
talk about what we've done since school ended. Sometimes, she looks at me
awkwardly, says "Hey.", and quickly moves on. Sometimes, she gives me
a cold look, says nothing, and keeps her sights firmly locked on her next
destination. I don't know what to expect, but any potential encounter of ours
is so far away that it's silly to think about.
It's evident that I've wanted closure on this for ages, and it just doesn't go away. It's such a trivial thing, but at the same time, that doesn't make it any less important to me. When people found the Formal/after-party/Schoolies blog entries on here, I remember one person telling me that there were rumours floating around about me, rumours he didn't elaborate on for fear that I'd regret hearing about them. Not that I know anything specific about such gossip (if the guy who let me know about that is reading this, feel free to let me know—I might even contact you about it later down the line), but it's still left me with this desire to prove myself to people: to prove that I did care about Sally's feelings that evening, to prove that I'm not some dipshit with no social skills, to prove that I learned from my mistakes. I don't really have much reason to care what most of my cohort thinks of me, nor would they have much reason to care about any of this nonsense, but that wish to convince people of the truth still remains. Half the problem is that I think about the past too much; this was also summed up in the journal entry:
Everyone thinks about their past, but without something in the present to keep my focus on the future, the past (and it's desired manipulation) is inescapable.
I don't have much of a life at the moment, and with nothing much to focus on in the now, I focus on back then, simply cos it's more interesting. I know I need to work on that, definitely. But I still hope I finish this new material, and that Sally sees it. It's not like I want someone to go "Hey, Sally! You know that guy who wanted to fuck you a couple of years back? That weirdo? He wants you to see this." That's exactly what I don't want: for her to think I went through the process of writing and recording another 45-60 minutes worth of comedy just to get her attention. I want this stuff to stand up on its own—and the vast majority of the material has fuck all to do with Sally anyway—but I still want her to at least watch the parts mentioning her, hoping she enjoys it. I just want to make her smile.
Am I weird for wanting that? Is it too obsessive? I don't know anymore.
I got my hands on GIMP a while back (GNU Image Manipulation program—like Photoshop, but free and open source), and I used it to make this a couple of days ago:
I've had the idea for this since last year, but only with GIMP could I actually make it happen (fuck doing that in Paint). I didn't make the background, though; you'll find that here.
I wanna make another version where it's just the word 'IMMUNE', but the letters are made out of tiny logos, all working together to make the word. I think it's more subtle, and it gives me the chance to a) use more logos, and b) not be restricted to logos shaped like a letter, which were actually really hard to find. The 'N' in 'ADVERTISING' is the logo for near field communication, which isn't a business, but a set of standards that enables radio communication between portable electronic devices. Using that logo is almost like using the wi-fi logo or the disabled parking logo, but I'm telling you now: apart from the N in 'IMMUNE' (the Nintendo 64 logo), there were no logos shaped like N's. As for works-in-progress, I also managed to make this with a great deal of fucking around in Paint:
The space between the bottles is all grainy because the original bottle silhouette had that grain in the background, and it was the only picture that matched what I wanted to work with, so I had to simply copy/paste it 3 times. I think GIMP has tools that'll get rid of the grain, so when I work on this some more, hopefully it'll look a lot better :) I'm pretty pleased with these results given that I have no prior experience with image manipulation programs (closest I've gotten would be video editing programs). Maybe this'll turn out to be another outlet for jokes—who knows?
a) Nothing of much interest has happened in the past month or so, hence the void of posts. b) Relationships and sex are always on my mind, so this is a good way to vent :) c) Why did no one tell me Tumblr is full of porn blogs and sex gifs? Just... omg... ^_^
1. Are looks important in a relationship?
Kinda. For me, they're more important in getting me interested, then they become less important as I learn more about them. Fact is, though, that if their looks changed dramatically before/after I started dating whoever it was, I could lose some interest, maybe all, especially if we were sexually active. Would have to experience it to know for sure.
2. Are relationships ever worth it?
Of course they are—there's a reason people pursue them :P
3. Are you a virgin?
Yup. Haven't even made out with a girl yet, really.
4. Are you in a relationship?
No.
5. Are you in love?
Nope, not interested in anyone at the moment.
6. Are you single this year?
For the meantime, yes. Hopefully not by the end of this year :)
7. Can you commit to one person?
Yup.
8. Describe your crush.
Somewhere at some social thing I should probably go to... >.>
9. Describe your perfect mate.
Intelligent, interested in important issues. Likes physical contact. Someone I can make happy and smiley. Someone who loves me for who I am rather than who I could be.
10. Do you believe in love at first sight?
Haven't experienced it, but I've been told about it from people who experienced it, so I guess it happens to some people.
11. Do you ever want to get married?
Maybe later, but not now. I'd have to be very sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a woman before the thought even popped into my head.
12. Do you forgive betrayal?
It hasn't happened to me, so I don't know how I'd act were I to be betrayed. I don't think I'd give her anymore than one more chance, though. If you can't learn or control yourself after the first time, you're not worth the trouble.
13. Do you get jealous easily?
Fuck yes.
14. Do you have a crush on anyone?
No.
15. Do you have any piercings?
Nope, don't want any either.
16. Do you have any tattoos?
Same as above, not interested.
17. Do you like kissing in public?
Yup (or at least I did when I could, lol).
18. Do you shower every day?
I shower almost every morning. Only skip having a shower every once in a while.
19. Do you think someone has feelings for you?
Nah. I'd know by now, were that the case.
20. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Nope.
21. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?
Already managed it—during my first relationship, I never even thought about cheating. Is this a serious question? Is our generation so feeble-minded that we only some of us stay faithful for six months? That's fuckin' sad. Get your shit together, people >.<
22. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?
Married at 24? lolno.
23. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?
Definitely :)
24. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?
Nope. Never been told anything like that.
25. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?
Nah.
26. Have you ever been cheated on?
Pretty sure that I haven't been.
27. Have you ever cheated on someone?
Never thought of it.
28. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?
Nope, never wanted plastic surgery. If I could get something magically repaired, though, I'd get my phimosis fixed, and I'd straighten my teeth.
29. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?
Heaps of times.
30. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?
Twice.
31. Have you ever had sex with a man?
Unless jerking off counts, no.
32. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
Not yet.
33. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?
My ex is older than me, so yes.
34. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?
Nope, haven't had that problem.
35. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?
All the people I liked were either part of my friend group, or weren't known to them at all.
36. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?
Well, I don't know if you can 'expect' to like someone. All the people I've liked have been different, but none have astounded me in that I couldn't believe who I was liking.
37. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?
Yup. Still do sometimes; it's really fucking annoying.
38. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?
I've written poems about someone, but never for them to read.
39. Have you had sex so far this year?
Yes, but only masturbation. Haven't had sex with anyone else yet.
40. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?
All the kissing I did was short lived, so my hands never had time to wander. If I'm ever in that situation, though, they won't be able to last long before they go exploring—they're as impatient as I am :P
41. How long was your longest relationship?
Just over six months.
42. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?
One.
43. How many people did you kiss in 2011?
Only one—I remember kissing my ex as she left my house on her last visit.
44. How many times did you have sex last year?
As if I could count how many times I masturbated :P As for sex with other people: zero.
45. How old are you?
Nineteen, turning twenty in August.
46. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?
Probably nothing, cos that would make me feel ultra awkward.
47. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favourite thing about him/her? 48. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?
...I'd be wondering what exactly she was apologising for :P
49. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?
Nope. Even if I loved someone as much as I could, I dunno if I could be that selfless.
50. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?
There was a girl in uni who I gave up on last year. I liked her for a while, but the attraction wasn't strong enough, and I never really found her personality appealing at all. After those realisations, it was clear I was never gonna talk to her, so I stopped seeing the point.
51. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are? 52. Is there someone you will never forget?
Sally, and maybe my ex. They were both firsts (first crush, first girlfriend), so that alone makes them very memorable. And given how much I've written about the two years when I liked Sally, I don't think I'll ever forget her.
53. Share a relationship story.
In the spring school holidays of 2010, my girlfriend and I went up to the lighthouse and sat in one of the booths. There was always an ice cream van up there, and we usually bought ice cream to nom while we were sitting, but I can't remember if we did this time. In any case, we sat down, and I gave her my iPod so she could play Angry Birds. Not long after she started playing, I moved in and kissed her for the first time, though it was hard cos I had to lean over and kiss her while she was still looking at the iPod.
I kissed her a few more times that afternoon; then, when she was to catch the bus home, I asked her for one last kiss (one she could actually prepare for rather than having me lean over randomly of my own accord :P). We moved towards one another, held each other, moved our faces forward, and then they met... at the forehead. Fucking ow :P I seriously didn't think kissing would be even remotely difficult, but I was wrong. Painfully wrong :P
54. State 8 facts about your body.
I'm really skinny.
I have phimosis (overgrown foreskin).
The tip of my dick is painfully sensitive.
I have pimples, along with a general redness, on my face, upper chest, and upper back.
Viewing my eyebrows up close, you'll see hair growing between them, meaning I technically have a monobrow.
My tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth (ankyloglossia).
I have a callus on my right hand whose origin I am totally lost on.
I have a birthmark (or at least what looks like a birthmark) on a knuckle on my third hand, but for some reason, I'm convinced it only came to be a few years after I was born. Probably a procrastinator, just like its host body.
55. Things you want to say to an ex.
I don't really wanna say anything to her, nothing beyond normal conversation. Just to talk to her like any other friend would be what I want, if anything, as much as that isn't gonna happen.
56. What are five ways to win your heart?
I dunno if there are specific 'ways' to do that, other than just being the right person. Smiling at me would probably do the trick, as would starting a conversation with me. Can't really think of anything else. I'd need to have my heart won moar to discover these things :P
57. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)
I would have taken a picture of myself as I look now, but I've had this huge zit on the tip of my nose since Sunday, and it looks fucking foul. Pimples in general I can deal with, but this one was King Pus, so I refuse to give it the pleasure of being on the internet for all to see. I popped it today, but the red hump is still there, so I decided to use this photo from a 19th I went to last year instead.
This is probably the best picture of me in existence; it really doesn't get any better than that (which is a given when you learn that there are, like, 3 pictures of me on Facebook which I am aware of, lol).
58. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?
A month.
59. What is the first thing you notice in someone?
Depends entirely on the person. It's usually something physical, like their hair colour, their eyes, their smile, their glasses; but it could also be their voice, how they speak, or what they speak about.
60. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?
Sit on me while I was sitting down and smother me with physical affection.
61. What is your definition of “having sex”?
Engaging in sexual activity of any kind.
62. What is your definition of cheating?
Doing things with someone else that you would only ever do with your partner were you to remain faithful (there's a lot more stuff that I'd call 'cheating' other than fucking someone else).
63. What is your favourite roleplay?
Well, if I had the chance to do any kind of roleplay, I'd want the woman to be a schoolgirl, dressed in uniform. I'd play the role of the first guy she has sex with. Or perhaps we could switch it around, and have the woman play a school girl who's confident with her sexuality, and have me play some virgin she decides to toy with and hit on. Can't be 100% sure if that'd work, given my inexperience. Who knows—maybe there's some other roleplay I'll be introduced to that I like even more than the idea of that one.
64. What is your idea of the perfect date?
Single as I may be, I have a few ideal date ideas in my head.
One is where we'd go to a place where we can be alone, at night time, under the stars—a park, the beach, the lighthouse, something like that. We'd put a blanket down, lie beside one another, and just talk to each other about stuff. We'd joke around and laugh a lot. We'd hold each other and get real cozy (I'm gonna be cold, dammit :P). Hopefully, if she's in the mood, we'd make love :3 I have another one where we're at either my place or her place, and we play video games all night. Might sound dumb, but the first time my first girlfriend came over to my house (before we started dating, but still when I liked her), we played Ratchet: Gladiator from start to finish, and it was incredibly fun (save for the headache I had at the end—eye strain is a bitch). So, whoever my new girlfriend is, provided she likes games, we'd just play all kinds of games together. We'd play co-op games and competitive games; we'd watch one another play single player games, trying to out-do one another; we'd play online together, teaming up to kick people's asses. Towards the end, our energy expunged through competition, we'd sit close, and she'd rest her head on my shoulder. It'd probably end in us falling asleep, nestled up together on the couch. I just think that'd be a neat bonding experience, enjoying a common interest together :) Another one, as weird as this might sound to people who know about my eating habits, would involve dinner. In this particular fantasy world, I eat properly (take some time to get your imaginations in gear for this one :P) so to celebrate my dietary achievements, she'd wear her best dress (which, in my mind, must be red :P) and we'd go out to her favourite restaurant. She'd be really happy that she can now take her boyfriend out to dinner, along with me being super pleased with my newfound ability to give her something she's always wanted. We'd occasionally reach across the table and feed each other with food from our own plates, so they can try what the other's eating. When we got home, she'd hug me tighter than ever cos she's ecstatic about living out this dream with me for the first time. This one probably ends with love-making too (I'd think most 'perfect dates' would end that way :P).
65. What is your sexual orientation?
Fairly straight. I've had homosexual thoughts before—I've wondered what it'd be like to jerk off another guy or give a guy a blowjob, what a dick tastes like, that kind of stuff—but I've never gotten off to anything where two men end up fucking. Pussy all the way :D
66. What turns you off?
Excess weight (as in heaps), arrogance, overarching apathy, superstition, and stupidity that is either unrealised or left untreated.
67. What turns you on?
Red hair, fair skin, meat on her bones, boobs that will fit in my hands, intellect, scepticism, humour, laughter.
68. What was your kinkiest wet dream?
I've never had an orgasm without physical stimulation. I swear, these people who claim to have wet dreams are just masturbating in their sleep :P
69. What words do you like to hear during sex?
Yes. Harder.I love you.
70. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
Cuddle me—haven't had one of those in a llooonngg time. Or ask me out on a date (though I guess that could go sour if I didn't like the person back...)
71. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?
Hmmm... I don't really look for specific superficial traits so much as I find ones I like in people I'm attracted to. There have been girls with boobs I like cos they're just the right size, or whose arms are sexy, or whose legs and hips draw my attention more than anything else, or glasses they wear that make them look hot. I just look for stuff I like.
72. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
Had feelings for me and been in a relationship with me.
73. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
Dunno if I've ever done anything sweet for anyone... nothing comes to mind :/
74. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
So long as you can provide informed consent for all the things you do together, who gives a fuck.
75. What’s your dirtiest secret?
My own curiosity once led me to ejaculate onto my own face. If chicks out there don't like having cum on their face... I feel you. I really do :P
76. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?
When I saw a good looking guy in some porn I watching. Makes me think that's what all women want, hence me being totally unable to turn any woman on. Fucking image problems, lol.
77. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?
Never. Probably should have told my ex I loved her, but oh well, lesson learned for next time.
78. Who are five people you find attractive?
I was stumped on this one until I realised that it never said you had to name people you knew in person (not only would that be a little creepy, but I don't know five people I think are attractive... yeah >.>).
Mary Elizabeth Winstead Keira Knightly Lexi Belle Emma Stone and whoever this person is:
I dunno who that person is, but I came across this picture by accident a while back, and holy shit, they have the cutest face and most adorable smile evar ^_^
79. Who is the last person you hugged?
My mum.
80. Who was your first kiss with?
My first girlfriend.
81. Why did your last relationship fail?
Because we changed as people, me especially. My attitude took a huge shift towards the end; I became angrier, more bitter, and more critical, which she didn't like at all, so she dumped me.
82. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?
I dunno. Maybe if I'd been talking to them over the net for ages and really wanted to meet them. But I don't think I'd date a total stranger I'd only just met online.
“It’s OK to drink your drug! We meant those other drugs, those... untaxed drugs.”
And look where the weed debate is now :P I was also heavily into The Chaser's War on Everything, another televised comedy program. A friend of mine turned me onto the show, a half-hour weekly romp where seven satirists lampooned anything and everything worth lampooning. They bashed the absolute shit out of current affairs programs, confronted politicians like it was nothing, and frequently took on taboo subject matter with their material. They ran into controversy more than a few times, and their greatest stunt (infiltrating the 2007 APEC conference in Sydney, getting within ten metres of George W. Bush's hotel) made them too recognisable by the public for their stunts to be as effective—they were kinda brought down by their own success. The show fuelled the wannabe sceptic within me, and, with help from like-minded teachers at school, I began to have a more constructive approach to critical thinking. Though I wasn't fully aware of it at the time, they were a huge influence on me and my mindset at the time, and the sheer nerve they displayed in their stunts impressed me to no end (even though some of them were faked—but you'd have to be an idiot to think it was 100% real :P). My first thorough comedy experience, though, was to happen by total accident. It was early 2008, and I was in my local video store, rummaging through the Comedy section, looking for something interesting that I hadn’t seen. I happened to see a case with a picture of Robin Williams just... standing there. I looked on the back, and he appeared to be on a stage, by himself... “What the fuck is this?”, I thought. I couldn’t figure it out. But it was Robin Williams, and I loved this guy in everything I’d seen him in, so I rented it. I got home, put it in the player, and watched it. It was one of his stand-up specials: an hour-and-a-half of Robin Williams just... telling jokes! I thought they only did this for five-to-ten minutes! How is he doing this? How? He was so full of energy, and so clever—I’ll never forget first hearing him talking about turning Neverland into a theme park, saying “You must be this high to ride Michael!” I was in hysterics throughout the entire thing, not to mention enthralled to see someone doing the same kind of weird comedy performance I’d seen years ago, but for ninety minutes straight! Not only was I laughing, not only was I enthralled, but I was inspired. “What if I could do that? That would be so awesome if I could do that!” But I had no jokes, no training, and no balls, so it was a pipe dream at the time—just a cool thing to think about. Around the same time, I started to like a girl in high school called ‘Sally’, whom I’ve mentioned in this blog before. It wasn’t long before I was staring at her in Science class (made harder by the fact that she sat behind me :P); and I was thinking about her non-stop, wanting to approach her, to talk to her, to say hi and maybe ask her out... but like that was going to happen :P I didn’t know how to confront her, seeing as I was shit-scared of rejection, so I just kept my distance and admired her from afar. But I thought about the stand-up routine I watched, and went “...hmm... maybe this could be useful. If I did stand-up, I could tell Sally I liked her, or at least get the word out about me liking her (otherwise impossible given my lack of social integration), without needing to talk to her face-to-face! It’s perfect! She’ll know everything, and I won’t have to affront her :D” I was doing an Intro-to-Drama class at the time (and enjoying it), so I figured that would provide me with the stage training I needed—I just had to write the fucking thing. So I devised a plan: I’d write the material such that the first half of it was about everyday life, school life, etc.—having nothing to do with Sally at all—and the second half would be about how I liked her, how I couldn’t confront her, how I thought about her all the time, ending on some kind of name reveal. I realised, though, that it seemed crucial to have Sally in the audience while I delivered my monologue, such that she heard it for herself and would know exactly how I felt... nothing a rigged raffle draw for a free ticket can’t fix :D I seriously thought about having a ‘draw’ for free tickets—either a few across the whole school or one ticket per year group—then having her name be the only one in the hat. Either that, or pinning a printed class roll to a board, putting a thumbtack over her name, closing my eyes, and moving my finger down until I hit the thumbtack. Whatever I could do to ensure her presence, I would have done (short of asking her in person to go :P). It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it wasn’t without its flaws. I mean, first off, where was this material gonna come from? Was I even that funny? I’d had a few laughs in drama class, sure, but nothing the other students hadn’t gotten themselves. I’d gotten laughs in French too, but that was French class, not a stand-up performance. All I had to go off was the Robin Williams performance I’d watched and the Just for Laughs bits I mentioned earlier, and I had no ideas... like, no ideas. And even if I’d written all this, would it have been good material? Half-an-hour of good material can take a comedian years to get right—but I didn’t know that at the time, did I :P But even if I’d written that material, and even if it had been better than anything my idols have ever written, and even if Sally was front and centre, laughing her cute little ass off... would it it really have been a good idea to call her out in front of an audience like that? I mean, the way I wanted to do it was, after talking about the girl in question, having everyone in the audience stand up (provided I knew she was there). I’d sit people down Guess Who style—sit down if you’re a dude; sit down if you’re over 18; sit down if you’re under 15; sit down if you don't study particular subjects, etc. She would have been just sitting there in the crowd, a crowd that could have been quite sizeable had I made a really good assembly announcement, and before she knew it, she’d have been standing up alone in front of the entire audience... all so I could ask her on a date in public. No pressure... It was a silly plan, but it never went anywhere, so it was ultimately harmless... for a while :P Near the end of 2009, I still liked Sally. Shit, I liked her more at that point than I ever had (years of dreaming about being with someone will do that to you :P). This whole time, that comedy plan of mine had been dormant, not an active pursuit, but still in the back of my head. I can’t remember exactly when this was, nor what triggered it—I think it was either having a friend having me listen to part of a Mitch Hedberg album on his iPod, or coming 2nd in my Youth Theatre class, where I'd pulled off several successful comic roles—but one day, I went “You know what? Let’s start writing some things down. Let's make this happen.” Not long after I started crushing on Sally, we got broadband, so I could have been watching clips of comedians on YouTube at the time too, though I could swear I only started doing that heaps in 2010. Nonetheless, I was inspired, and I went for it, writing down ideas I had for both the first half about life in general, and the second half on my love for Sally. They were nothing but random dot points, but it was a start. It was too late, though, for this plan was to die in only a few weeks’ time. Come the Year 10 Formal, after seeing Sally, that was it. I’d had enough. I had to ask her out. I just had to. This shit couldn’t go on anymore :P I came home that evening and wanted nothing more than to confront her and get this over and done with (though the balls required to do so were still nowhere to be found :P). I did, however, remember the document I made with all the comedy notes in it. I opened it and made notes specifically on the Formal evening: how it looked like some kind of Mafioso youth group gathering, how I was baffled people were using flash when taking pictures outside in broad daylight, how there was a strobe light for the dance when I thought we were trying to reduce the number of epileptic fits in young people. And, of course, there were a whole ton of dot points on how Sally was just teh hotness, and how I wanted to talk to her and ask her to dance, but couldn’t because friends wouldn’t fuck off for even two seconds—how it ended up being one big, failed tactical espionage mission :P I continued to pursue Sally at school, and as I made progress, I continued taking notes on my observations, both my myself and the situation as a whole. When I made the English speech where I announced her name to the class and said I liked her, I noted how one particular student covered their mouth as if they’d seen the second coming of Christ. When I talked to her for the first time, complimenting her on her dress at the Formal, I noted how I talked so much that she needed to politely shut me up so she could get to where she had to go. When I went into school the Monday after graduation to ask her out, I noted how I stood around shaking like a cocaine addict waiting for her to come out of her classroom, and that was after waiting for five hours just so she’d show up on site :P For the two weeks ranging from the Formal to being rejected by Sally (if you didn’t see that coming, you are a nub :P), I was making fun of the situation, both of the world around me and my reactions to it. I filled pages with idea after idea, note after note, eventually turning some of them into lines. I had the strongest sense of inspiration ever. And it wasn’t even to impress and ask Sally out anymore! Sally was over, a thing of the past; but I could now look forward to writing about my experiences. This was a new drive, a new world to explore. Now I wanted to get up and tell everyone about how I liked Sally—not to impress her, but to have fun and make people laugh. I love telling this story cos it makes me feel all warm inside. I mean, remembering how many butterflies were in my stomach due to Sally’s mere presence is cool enough. And this situation is one of the few reminding me that, yes, I have had balls before, and yes, I have done some scary shit for a dream before—and that it made me feel awesome, something I can easily feel again if I push myself to the limit like I did when I asked Sally out. But it also reminds me of where all this began, where this whole comedy thing started: with me going crazy over some girl, then taking the piss out of myself and the world around me as I ended that chapter of my life. It gave me a way to turn something wild, scary, and ultimately painful into a positive reflection, allowing me to see the good in what could have easily been dismissed in some emotional fit as a waste of time. It was the pivot on which my life tilted—without Sally, I would not be where I am right now, I would not think the way I think, and I would not be the person I am. For Sally, it was probably just that time when the awkward boy talked to her a few times and asked her out. But for me, this is everything. I can't imagine life without this comic framework, without this mindset—but I don't have to. I can just enjoy it :)
Two of the most important lines for me are towards the end, where TheraminTrees (the creator) says:
"Thinking is the first step; doing is the next ... awareness is important, but behaviour is just as crucial."
That pretty much sums up a lot of what's written on this blog: all talk, no action. This is why I want to use the next uni semester, as arbitrary a point in time as it may be, to start putting these plans into action. Performing comedy at uni would be the best start in my opinion. I've been writing and performing it for two-and-a-half years, and I recently came close-second to a 33-year-old Irishman in a comedy competition with nine entrants, so I can flaunt that shit. It's not like I have competition at uni, either—no one else performs, so what do I really have to lose? Being able to write and perform comedy is the one ability of mine I have confidence in, so I can start there and use my skill to give my life a better sense of achievement. That, in turn, will give me a more positive perspective overall, making it easier to advance my life in other areas via avoiding potential depressive episodes, littered with all their evil, negative assumptions. But the thing I really wanna do this year is be more social. I want to hang out with more than one group of people. I have great friends, but I only have a few of 'em, and I don't want to constantly leech off of them—I must branch out, at least a little. While I do get jealous seeing how other people have way better social lives than I do, that's not the driving force behind my desire to meet people. I wanna get out more, go more places, maybe meet a girl I can be with, and none of that is going to happen if I stay as socially confined as I am now. My friends aren't socialites; I don't meet new people through them. They can't act as an avenue for expansion, so I have to drive elsewhere to find that. I would never wanna ditch them, cos they are my friends and it's awesome to hang with them and talk to them, but even they'd agree that I need more people to be around. But if I want all that, why don't I meet people when there are opportunities to do so? This is where the awareness/behaviour clash occurs: while I want to meet people in theory, that desire quickly vanishes in practice. For example, I mentioned in a previous entry how I went to someone's eighteenth birthday dinner a while back. Were there people in my age group there? You bet. Did I talk to 'em? Course not. And the reasons behind that? Rooted primarily in fear and judgement.
First off, I'm inherently frightened of introducing myself to people I don't know—it's an unjustified fear, but it's there. I just cannot understand how Person X walks up to Group A and just joins in. I don't get it. I'm failing to see how that isn't interrupting someone for your own narrow purposes. If people are in a group talking about something, what right do I have to just waltz in and make my arrival known, or sneak in without them noticing and pipe up later down the track? I seriously have no understanding of how the fuck people do that. I am lost on this concept in its entirety. I know there are other ways to meet new people in social situations, like having someone who's in the group take you to the group to make the introduction for you, or those times when everyone's a stranger and someone just has to break the tension to get conversation flowing. But this was a very established social group, and I was a complete and total stranger. In these kinds of situations, I see no appropriate way to get myself involved. Are people going to react negatively if I was to introduce myself out of the blue? Probably not, but remember: this is an emotional fear, not a rational fear. I can only explain how it works; I can't justify it. I might be able to make that distinction here at my computer, but if I can't see such an introduction going well when I'm in the company of strangers, it's not going to happen. But this fear is partially rooted in the other problem: my judgement, not only of others' character, but how they'll judge my own. There are three main areas I feel awkward in: diet, drinking, and social experience (memories, outings, relationships, sex, etc). I'm rather nonconformist in all three areas, whether it be through a firm decision in my own mind (eg. I don't drink cos I don't want to drink) or the unintended result of other decisions I've made (eg. I'm scared of talking to people, so I don't talk to people, and I have less friends and social experiences because of that).
My diet is obviously pretty different from the norm, and there's no rationalisation for it other than "I eat what I feel like". Even I think that's dumb, so I assume other people will also think it's dumb :P The aforementioned birthday party being a dinner, my eating habits would probably have come to light within minutes were I asked what I'd eaten (ie. nothing). It just seems to be that other people will assume I eat like everyone else until they're told otherwise, and when they are told otherwise, they're just gonna be think I'm from another planet, too weird or immature to be worth speaking to.
While I'd certainly like to eat better, this problem faces the same awareness/behaviour clash this entire situation does; and even if I were to change my diet, it wouldn't happen overnight. I need to know how to deal with this abnormality in the meantime, if not forever :P And my existing friends don't give much of a fuck about what I eat (save for the odd, if deserved, spot of comic ridicule), so who says these people will? I know many people are judgemental and will seek to highlight differences between themselves and others, this done to make themselves look or feel superior—but to assume these people do that is for me to do the very same :P As weird as my eating habits are, they're pretty hardwired, and I have no intention of conforming in this area, so I must simply deal with it and go "Yeah, I don't eat like everyone else". Maybe they'll judge me on that; maybe they won't.
I even remember one time at a friends eighteenth-birthday movie night how I mentioned I wasn't eating dinner, and someone thought that was a little weird, then the girl next to her said "It takes all kinds to make a world." That was so sweet :) Skipping ahead a little, I'm also a social nightmare, not just cos I'm afraid now, but cos I've always been afraid of these things, my fear leading to a limited social past. I hear people talking about concerts they've gone to, parties they've attended, trips they've gone on—all things I have literally no involvement in. I also hear people talking about pop culture, social trends—things I have no interest in, and, in fact, despise. I hate pop culture with a fucking passion, and I refuse to engage with it for reasons other than direct and brutal criticism. Again, going back to the birthday party, hearing these people talk was like hearing them speak a different language. I didn't know what the fuck they were on about; I simply couldn't relate. I can relate to my friends cos we have similar interests, so I know I'm not without topics I can engage in with others. But in this specific instance, such subject matter was nowhere to be found.
The fact I don't engage with people much can make me feel immature too. Sometimes, when I'm with people, I don't know how to react to what they've said, or I can't relate to what's been said. I think people will expect a level of social maturity from me that I don't have, simply due to my age, gender, and position as a uni student. But... who said it's all about common ground? I have never been the same as other people; I've always been the outcast. I was the only computer nerd in my primary school, and I was the only stand-up comedian in my high school—why not use that to my advantage? In a comment on the entry about the birthday party, a friend suggested that I put myself forward as an "exotic, new, interesting person" rather than "that weird exchange student that no one knows", and I think that's a good idea for the future.
When I think about it, I realise that I can talk about things these people know nothing about, things these people probably haven't experienced. I've performed stand-up 10 times. I got up on assembly without permission to tell jokes, leading certain staff members (including my own principal) at my school to accuse me of things I never did. I've performed in several plays and a musical. I've gone about addressing crushes in the weirdest fucking ways imaginable: publicly admitting who they are in speeches for English class, waiting around school for six hours just to ask them out, publishing blog entries about how I wanted to fuck them, etc. There's at least potential for interest in some of that shit, surely :P I may not conform to social norms, but that's my shtick, so I should make that a strength rather than a weakness. My stories aren't plentiful and won't last for long, but they'll help get my foot in the door and give me the opportunity to have more experiences. And, of course, I'm a 19-year-old virgin who's had one girlfriend, but in that respect, I'm comfortable. Sure, I'd like to have a more active romantic/sexual past, cos there's not too much I can say about my sole relationship, but it's impossible to change that. It doesn't worry me, though, cos if I'm questioned as to why I don't have a girlfriend or why I haven't fucked yet, I'm ready to defend myself. There's currently no one I know of who I'd consider going out with, and I'm waiting until I'm in a relationship such that my first sexually intimate experience will be one of love rather than potential fear. The norm of our generation (to fuck the first person you can) is one I want no part in, so if anyone tries to push that onto me, it'll be pushed back with equal force. I will only date who I wanna date, and I will only fuck who I wanna fuck, not the first sack of girl-meat who walks by me. Motherfuckers wanna argue? Motherfuckers will be argued with. Shit, that's fun right there—arguing a point when my side is well grounded is always enjoyable, with friends or strangers. To quote the video:
"The ideas, the books, the films, [and] the people who inspire me are the ones that celebrate diversity, individuality—authenticity. I've certainly never been encouraged by anyone who's encouraged conformity to the group."
Moving on, though. The final point of contention is that of alcohol consumption. I don't drink while most people my age do drink, and I see that as a problem. It's not a problem with my current friends, cos we don't have social outings where alcohol is even remotely involved. Some of us drink, some of us don't; it ultimately doesn't matter. But in the broader social picture, it's a very different story. The reasoning behind my teetotalism is two-fold. Again, fear is present, in that I don't like trying new foods or drinks as it is, so I stay away from it. This relates to my diet in that not only am I scared of trying it because it's new to me, but I'm also scared of trying it because my diet will affect my body's ability to process the alcohol itself. There's almost nothing of me, so I don't think I'll handle the stuff as well as others will. I'm pretty sure I'll lose inhibition far quicker than those around me due to my low weight, perhaps even doing myself serious bodily harm in the process considering just how little I weigh. But let's say I began to eat properly and gained some weight: would I drink alcohol then? Probably not. I might try it—I could love it, depending on what beverages I tried—but I doubt I'd really get into it. Cos if there's one thing in this world that gets on my tits, it's drunk people :P
And this is where the second problem lies: my judgement towards people who are intoxicated. Returning to the birthday party once more, these people might not have been totally smashed, but they were drinking, and as they drank more, they behaved less :P They were banging the tables, shouting for no apparent reason, being totally obnoxious—I hate that shit. As soon as I see people acting like that, I'm like "Wow, way to advance the species, you ass-hat. So bad at dealing with a basic social scenario that you have to get wasted in order to function—aren't you a testament to the human condition >.<" I don't believe this to be a totally irrational judgement, cos these people have been demonstrably obnoxious in the past; personal experience has at least played a part in the formation of this opinion. But can I still get along with people who drink? Course I can, cos I already do—some of my friends drink. For a start, it's not like everyone who drinks is (or will ending up being) drunk. Even people my age can enjoy drinks without getting pissed, so if I could just find such people, that would be a good start. What about environments like bars & clubs, where the availability of alcohol is one of the main reasons people go there in the first place? I dunno. I haven't really been to one with people my age, so I'm in no real position to make evaluations there. Would engaging with drunk people at a bar/club be as irritating as I'm imagining it to be? I guess it depends on how drunk they are, how alcohol affects their particular body and mindset, etc. Would people judge me on the fact that I don't drink? Would they assume me to be boring or uptight, perhaps even thinking I'm against the consumption of alcohol altogether? Again, depends on the individual. Anyone who judges me like that, drinker or not, ain't really worth hanging around.
And I don't know what I'd do if I saw a girl somewhere that I liked the look of and wanted to talk to, but knew she was tipsy. My scaredy-cat brain is bound to go ":O She's drunk. Don't engage with that wench; she is not worth your time", or "Isn't it a little unethical to take advantage of a drunken girl like that? Tsk tsk"—when in reality, I just wanna talk to her. I almost certainly wouldn't be attracted to a girl who was off her face, but it's totally possible that I could have my eyes on a chick who was at that sweet spot between sober and wasted, where all the lines of morality just melt together. How drunk does someone have to be before you're taking advantage of them? Would a drinker date or fuck a non-drinker? Does that even happen? Too many fucking questions, man—at least too many that can't be answered without experience :P It's strange that writing things like this actually makes me want to go out and meet people, but when I get there, I just crawl back into my shell and don't do any of the things I've said I want to do. The comedy thing is a real sweet opportunity, but I gotta make my move ASAP or I could miss the advantage of having done well in a recent comedy competition :P Maybe I should write a short blog entry before I go to social things as a way to improve my mindset and make potential gains clear before I go :)
I published an entry on Friday the 22nd where I talked about a girl who I think likes me, explaining the reasoning behind my suspicions. Based on the assumption that she reads this blog (and I don't really know if she does, though I can see why she would), I figured she'd see the entry and know my side of the story. From there, she'd have been able to either bring it up with me to discuss, or take it on herself to take a firmer stance in moving on and finding someone else to like. I wrote part of the entry early in January when I began to suspect something was up, but didn't publish anything cos it didn't seem like anything that unusual was actually happening. Recently, some more stuff happened, so I added the new events onto the older entry and published it. An anonymous commenter suggested I deal with this more assertively, confronting her about this and basically giving her a blunter 'no' than the one in the entry (which, as they put it, was more harsh with all its deconstructions of the girl's actions). The commenter assumed I was uncomfortable with the situation as it was, so it needed to be dealt with; thing is, I'm not really uncomfortable with this at all. I did mention one instance where I was a little uncomfortable with her lying on my shoulder, but that discomfort is only justified with the existing assumption that she likes me and was lying on me to indulge in physical contact with me because she likes me. This could be false: not only may I be wrong about her liking me, but she could be lying on me just cos she felt like it, cos that's what she does with her friends. Another friend of mine told me how the girl in question would do the same with her, so it could well be a friendly thing. No other mentions of discomfort on my part were made—in fact, I mentioned how part of the reason I like to talk to her is because it usually is comfortable. I discussed this with another friend of mine, and she agreed that the entry could make the girl feel bad for no good reason; this is why I took it down. Hopefully, she didn't read it in the ~48 hours it was online and no harm has been done. I saw her at a meet-up the day after I published it, and everything seemed fine, so unless she read it the evening after that meet-up, I doubt she's seen it. My friend told me not to worry about it, but to be honest, I did. I had tears in my eyes before our conversation ended, and I felt pretty stupid about the whole thing for an hour or two after she had to go to sleep. I wasn't hysterical, but I still felt awful because I didn't want to hurt this girl's feelings for no good reason—I wrote the entry to avert bad feelings, not invoke them. It was like the blog entries I wrote about Lucy and some other people a year back: releasing information I shouldn't have released, and jumping to conclusions off very little intel. That's why I felt so bad about it—I was repeating a previous mistake, one I should have learned from.
I mean, one way or another, if she does like me, and I'd let her know that, no, I didn't like her back and that this definitely wasn't gonna happen, she was probably gonna feel bad. But that was the alternative to her indulging in this fantasy where it could happen, and then running into the brick wall that is reality, right before it fell on her and crushed her completely. I saw it as a necessary evil.
That's what I felt some of the interactions we'd had of late were: chances to get closer to me, to experience contact with me of any kind, to satisfy her supposed need for it. But I don't really know if that's what's going on here. And that's not to mention how I've been told that, whoever it is she likes, she knows he's not interested, and hence she will not pursue him. She's not in over her head—she knows efforts like the ones I assumed would be futile—so it's calling her a liar to say she's doing this to try and make me like her or something. Here's the bottom line: this girl's feelings are her feelings, and are hence her problem, not mine. Whoever she likes, it's her responsibility to deal with it and get over it, however she sees fit. Whether she likes me or not, nothing she's doing really indicates any attempt to strike a flame, so it's not a problem for me at all. Maybe she does like me, and she really enjoys my company and conversation, but engages in this with the knowledge that it can go no further. Assuming it's me, she evidently has this under enough control for it to be perfectly fine hanging with her. And assuming it's not me, it can't even begin to be an issue :P I think, rather than assuming she likes me and risking shutting her down, I should take advantage of what's on offer. Here is a girl who I know likes talking to me, who I know likes spending time with me, who I'm already friends with—let's make that friendship better! I don't talk to her too much, but I talk to her more than any of my other friends at the moment cos, as I said, talking to her is usually great. I fear boring my other friends by spouting bullshit they have no interest in; but that's not a concern with this girl cos she's never uninterested in what I have to say. I try not to ask people places too much so I don't annoy them or interfere with their schedule; but this girl likes the things I organise, and even organised an impromptu meet-up for the two of us earlier this week so we could hang out. Remove the crush bullshit from the equation: here is someone who likes spending time with me, so why not capitalise on that rather than being a fuckwit and potentially destroying all that over some half-assed hunch? I don't get out much as it is, and from what I understand, she doesn't really get out much either. So fuck it: let's kill two birds with one stone! Gives me a chance to play multiplayer games more often too :D
Used games haven't been a part of my life until recently. I got a few used games for my birthday a few years back, and none of them worked properly. I swore blind I'd never buy used games myself, having seen how unreliable they could be. In the more recent past, though, I've purchased games I couldn't possibly buy new, ie. cartridges for my Nintendo 64, a few games for my PlayStation 2, and another title for the GameCube my friend gave me. I bought most of these games off eBay, and haven't had a single faulty game delivered to me yet. A few of the older games needed cleaning to get them working (no one ever cleans N64 carts -_-), and some of them are a little unreliable, requiring me to blow into the connectors, turn the machine on and off a few times, and fiddle around with the cartridge to ensure it's in all the way. But they do allwork eventually, so I'm happy. I'd normally just stick to using an emulator to play retro titles, but emulators can be unfaithful to the originals they allow me to play, requiring me to use a different controller layout to the original (the PS3 controller I use on my computer hardly resembles an N64 controller), not to mention all the glitches and errors you run into, some of which are simply unavoidable. Fifth generation games made the leap into the third dimension, and with that, emulation became a lot less simple and a lot more buggy :P So, I bought a genuine Nintendo 64 and some official controllers (nothing but licensed hardware for my baby) and I started to collect games for it, my library totalling about 16 games at the moment. I never touch my N64 emulator now, only using it to test games I might like to buy for my real machine in the future. The reason I bring this up revolves around the next generation of consoles, discussion brewing about the potential inability to play used games on the next PlayStation and/or the next Xbox. Little is known about these machines at the moment, but already, people are discussing the possibility of, and the justification behind, a ban by console manufacturers on the use of pre-owned titles on their systems. The way console makers would do this is simple, and it's already being done, having been commonplace in the PC market for some time now. Basically, you'll buy a hard copy of a new game from a game store, a department store, an online distribution centre—wherever you get your physical copies from. You bring the game to the console, you open the case, and you look through the written materials for your activation code. You find it, put the game in, and enter the code when the game asks you to. The game is now digitally tethered to your console, this code forever buried in your system, unrecoverable; you can't unregister the game, not now, not ever. You can't sell the game to someone else because they won't be able to use it on their system. You can't lend the game to a friend for the same reason. In more recent times, some of these activation codes have been purely for online-play—if you lend or sell the game, the player can access all the single-player content, but can't play online multiplayer. PC titles have had activation codes for ages now, but seeing as PC gaming is moving into digital distribution far faster than the console market is (primarily via Steam), this isn't really an issue for the PC folk, not anymore. PC games are also far easier to copy (and the copies far easier to use) than their console counterparts, so this protection was at least somewhat understandable. But why would they implement such a system? Supporters claim that it will increase profits for developers whereby everyone who wants to play the game will have to buy it, every player supporting the developers. They could also argue that it reduces piracy this way. Here's my problem: what makes a video game different to any other consumer item such that I'm not allowed to sell it? What makes a game different to, say, a cup, or a table, or a pot plant, or a car, or a bag of chips? I'm almost guaranteed to be able to resell any of those, given I'm honest to the seller about what it is (I can't con people into buying a car that doesn't work or a bag of chips that's out of date). There might be a bit of paperwork involved in the transfer, especially with bigger items, but the fact of the matter is I can still sell them, the buyer can use them once they've been purchased, and the seller can't use them once they've been sold. In the same way, I can sell someone a video game, and once they have it, they can use it, while I'm unable to use it (physical copies of console games almost never let you play them without the original disc/cartridge, even if it had to install some or all of the data onto a storage device of some kind). It works the same way for all consumer items, even other digital items like CDs, DVDs and Blu-rays: you can buy and sell them as you wish, and access isn't tied to any particular machine or device. And what is this crap about supporting the developers, that everyone who plays the game owes the developers money? Again, why doesn't this apply to everything else? Let's say I buy a hammer (I would never buy a hammer, but go with me, dammit :P). I paid for the hammer out of my own pocket, and that money is then sent to the people responsible for the hammer. The people who manufactured the hammer are paid for the materials they used and the effort put into its construction; the designer of the hammer is paid for their time choosing the shape and materials of the hammer; the distributor (if there is one) is paid for their costs in moving the hammer from its place of origin to the retailer; and the retailer is paid for the maintenance of the premises from which the hammer was bought, as well as the labour costs of the teller working the cash register and putting the hammer in a plastic bag for me. All contributing parties have effectively been reimbursed for their work. Following this transaction, the hammer in question is now my hammer. I own every part of the hammer, from the handle to the metal bit. Let's say I use it solely at my workbench, leaving it there if I'm not using it; but it's not attached to it, neither physically nor legally. I can take it where I please: to other parts of my house, to worksites, even to other people's workbenches, all without hassle. A friend of mine, a fellow hammer-person, wants to borrow my hammer, or perhaps even buy it off me. What's stopping him from doing that? If I lend him the hammer, or sell it to him, I lose access to the hammer, no longer able to profit from its capabilities, transferring that ability to my friend either temporarily or permanently. He doesn't have to pay a royalty fee to the manufacturer or the distributor as part of the exchange; I covered those costs with the initial transaction. They are owed nothing because they've already been reimbursed for their work. It's not as if I'd owe the companies more if I continued to own the hammer and get the same benefits from it that my friend would if I lent or sold it to him, so why should he have to pay those costs when he buys it? Replace 'hammer' with 'video game', and it's the same fucking thing. Neither you nor your customer owes the developer or the publisher anything when you sell the game to them. Their work in designing and distributing the game has already been paid for by you with your initial purchase. This person gets nothing more from the developers or the publishers than you would if you kept the game, so why are they owed money? Because they aren't :P But games are easily copied, you say? People who sell them could have already copied them to another storage device—allowing used games must facilitate piracy! Well sure, people who sell their games could be copying them... just as people who sell CDs, DVDs, and Blu-rays could be copying them before they sell them too. Here's the difference: selling used CDs, DVDs, and Blu-rays is perfectly legal in most circumstances, whereas all you care about is used games. What about the musicians and the record label who produced that music, or the film-makers and distributors who made those movies possible? Don't they too deserve royalties on every single sale of their products, whether it be a new copy or a used copy? No, they don't. That's why they don't get royalties on used sales: cos they don't deserve them :P And what if I wanna buy an old game fifteen or twenty years down the track, a classic PS4 game—Grand Theft Auto VII, LittleBigPlanet 3, Ratchet and Clank: Curse of the Pearl Necklace, something like that—but I can't because they don't allow me to play used games? I can neither borrow nor buy a friend's copy due to the restriction, so that's not an option. Thing is, the games wouldn't be in print anymore, so finding a new copy that's yet to be activated would be damn near impossible (though I suppose anyone who bought games and kept them un-activated could be in for a fortune later down the track, if they were patient enough :P). What's stopping me from buying these games? An irretrievable license? That's bullshit. But what if the licenses were retrievable? Well, while that's good and all, what if the online service that allows them to be activated and de-activated goes down? Users who want to lend or sell their copies can't deactivate them, and even users who get their hands on a copy that's yet to be activated are out of luck because the servers are no longer online. Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft won't keep the online services for their current consoles available forever—it simply isn't profitable to keep 'em online if only a few people are using them. Just buy old games through the online store, you say? I should just wait for a re-release on the next-gen's Virtual Console (or similarly named classics line-up), purchase the new console, and get my nostalgia fix that way. Really? Why? There are unused hard copies in households all over the world, belonging to people who'd be happy to sell them to me seeing as they no longer want them... but I can't use them myself, so that's irrelevant. That's not to mention the fact that not all older titles are re-released onto the online market for use on newer machines. And when games are re-released, sometimes these re-releases are different from their originals (programming/emulation issues, music/brand licensing, etc.), so it's hardly an alternative to begin with. I want the original game to play on an original machine. So long as I have both the game and the console in my possession, is that really too much to ask for? But what if we make the move to downloadable gaming? What if there are no hard copies? Then there are no copies to be sold; that's the nature of the form. It's the same with music you buy from iTunes: the content is too easy to reproduce, so selling it (or copies of it) isn't allowed under the terms of use. You have never been able to re-sell downloadable titles (from what I'm aware of), so maintaining that restriction changes nothing; nor do I have any issue with keeping things that way, because it makes perfect sense. The fact of the matter is, though, that there are still hard copies of games being manufactured, and we should be able to sell those copies as we do anything else.
Implementation of this restriction would even contribute to environmental waste: older games are no longer viable consumer items, so where will they end up when they're no longer wanted? In the trash. They could be on eBay, or in a garage sale, or a flea market, or even a games store who trades games in. But no—they'll be thrown away, more garbage for our planet to handle. It's ridiculous. The reasoning behind the banning of used games is simple: console manufacturers don't like used games because their developers and publishers get less money with their legality than without it—not less deserved money, just less money. Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft all want their developers and publishers to make as much moolah as possible so they can keep pumping out titles for their systems, and we all know that. They are the ones implementing this restriction—not the developers (bar first-party developers), but the console manufacturers (who also often double as publishers for first- and second-party titles). They're doing this because it's in their best interests, which may not mirror those of the developer. Surely, any developer who puts time and care into their games is more concerned with the quality of the final product than sales, and would perhaps even like people to be able to buy and play used copies further down the line when they're no longer in print, so who says they want this? They have no say in this decision whatsoever. I know that game development is expensive and that game development is a tough environment to be working in—I've heard this from developers themselves countless times. Banning the use of used games, however, isn't the way to solve the problem. If you don't want used games fucking with your sales, distribute the title digitally; otherwise, bear the brunt and find another way to increase profits. Don't bite the hand that feeds you.
