Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Long-winded Update

I haven't posted for a while. I have a few draft entries that I started working on, but nothing in my life has happened such that I've just had to blog about it. That's not to say nothing interesting's happened since I last posted—on the contrary, quite a lot has happened. But I'll get onto that as I ramble. This entry will probably be all over the place with all the tid-bits, as I have a lot on my mind at the moment.

I'll briefly go over what I've been up to first, to set the context for everything else. I was about to say "uni's the same old, same old", but this is not actually true, at least not from a social standpoint. Since December last year, I've been performing at a particular open mic called Jane's, which runs once a month. My performing there has led to my meeting other comedians—quite a few, in fact. Over the past few months, having performed alongside them numerous times now, I think I can consider myself part of the 'group' as it were, part of the 'local scene'. Better still, some of them came together to create a society at uni called the UOW Comedy Society. I remember being so excited when I saw it! I've wanted this for years; I even remember saying in previous entries on this very blog that I've wanted a society like this to come into existence, going so far as to say I wanted to found it myself. Well, I didn't found it myself, but I got in pretty early so I consider myself a pioneer damn it :P  I'm so happy this is a thing now! Not much is happening with the society at the moment, but one thing we are doing is holding an open mic once a month at a place called Rad Bar. It's starting off small, but the one at Jane's started the same way, and the place is packed every month now, so I figure the same thing will eventually happen at Rad Bar. There's also another open mic running once fortnightly at a bar/cafe called Two Doors Up. So I basically have three-to-four local performances a month now, up from almost nothing last year. This is a definite positive—nothing to complain about here.

Not only have I met more local open micers, I've also met a few professionals (or semi-professionals; I don't really know where the line is). To my surprise, they're really fond of me. This isn't conjecture; they've said rather bluntly that they really enjoy my work. The admiration they put forward seems so undeserved, but if that's their opinion, I guess I'll just be glad that people I look up to think so highly of me. It can be a little off-putting, though. It's an odd thing to complain about, I know, but I don't wanna be seen as the 'favourite' of the group, you know? Like, yes, I've been doing stand-up for longer than any of the amateurs I've met so far, but my performances over the last six years have been so intermittent that I can hardly say I have six years worth of actual experience (performance experience, at least). And yes, my humour can be described as 'highbrow' cos I talk about philosophy and politics; I like to keep things clever if I can. But the kind of observational humour the others do is something of which I've never been capable. I can't relate to people like they can, and being relatable is a big deal in stand-up. Doesn't this just mean we're good at different things? And it's not as if I get way better audience reactions than the others do. Anyway, the thing that worries me here is that I'll be seen as a kind of 'teacher's pet', because this praise is given to me in public, in front of the other comedians. I was even introduced by an MC once as "one of [his] favourite young comedians at the moment". I'm standing to the side waving my arms downward, saying "no! No! Downplay, downplay!" I don't want the audience to be expecting a mini-Seinfeld to come on-stage, you know? That's a tough gig to live up to. I just don't want to be singled out so publicly. If the higher-ups think I have a particularly-bright future in comedy, surely they can discuss that with me in private, right? I'm honoured, in a way, to receive such praise, to have such potential seen in me by those who know the game inside-out, but I don't want to be put on any kind of pedestal.

Another thing that's becoming very apparent to me is how awkward I am. Given that a lot of these performances are at bars, people tend to talk to each other after the show. Despite having spoken to everyone in the fucking room at one point in the evening, I still find socialising incredibly difficult. It doesn't matter how well the show went, it doesn't matter how big the crowd was, it doesn't matter if I'm talking to other comedians: I'm petrified either way. One thing that shits me is how loud it is in these places. Why do people even want to talk here when I can barely fucking hear a word people are saying? This isn't a trivial complaint; I genuinely cannot understand people in these places sometimes, which means that even if I could have responded to what was said, I can't anyway. It's not that people are rowdy or rambunctious, but simply that lots of people are talking at once. It's especially bad when there's loud music in the background. I was at a gig last Tuesday, one that went well for all involved. After the show finished, the music and surrounding conversation were so loud that I basically had to leave. I tried joining into conversations with some success early on, but people's words were impossible to make out over the music. I'm sure it'll get easier as I continue, and I'm never truly alone at these gigs cos I always have fellow comedians to turn to, but I'm still kinda new to the group. Like, I know I'm part of the group, but I don't quite feel part of the group yet, if that makes sense.



It's so strange: last year, and the year before, I wanted nothing more than to expand my social horizons and meet new people; now, I want to stop. My social energy is constantly drained, and it never gets refilled. Having a girlfriend has made my social contact more regular, and the open mics have only made such contact even more frequent. This isn't the fault of any particular party; rather, it's the culmination of many events strung together in rapid succession. It's funny how I used to say "it'll be hard at first, but once I meet a few people, it'll snowball from there". Well yes, it has snowballed from there—thing is the snowball shows no signs of slowing down. It's to the point where it can actually be irritating to have people attempt to contact me. There have been times where I've been on Facebook, and someone's messaged me wanting to chat (no one specific, just random people), and I've just thought "for fuck's sake, leave me alone, please leave me alone..." cos I just want to be left in peace. I've turned my Facebook chat off for most people as a result.

I even find it harder to care about what people are saying sometimes, which worries me cos it seems rude to be so disinterested when someone is speaking to me. I don't know if that's because of the increased social load, or if there are other causal factors at play, but it's something I've been noticing lately: people will tell me what they've been up to, or they'll vent about something, and I just won't be able to give a shit. Is it that I don't have the capacity to care anymore? Has all my Care™ been used up by others, or even by my own self? I don't understand it. I don't want to be that kind of friend, the kind who you talk to and they just ignore you when you need them most. I want people to be able to vent to me if they want to vent. But damn is it hard to be invested. And people venting to me online is the worst because it's so hard to offer support via the written word. All the emoticons and emojis in the world don't help with that shit. I've had people complain to me about stuff via DM, and after reading what they've said, I've sat there for five-to-ten minutes wondering what the hell I'm even supposed to say back, apart from "damn, that sucks :/ ". If someone vents to me online, it often means I have to stop what I'm doing and dedicate every mental resource I have to responding in a compassionate and (somewhat) timely fashion, lest I get distracted (or fed up) and go back to what I was doing earlier. Most of the time, I'm content being on my own at home, in my own space, without anyone disturbing my peace. It never even crosses my mind anymore to talk to friends; if I need to talk to anyone, I just talk to my girlfriend, and I'm satisfied. The need for regular contact with anyone else simply doesn't exist, not on my end anyway.

Speaking of the girlfriend, it's nearly been a year! That's so long (for me at least)! I've probably jinxed it now by even mentioning it :P But I'm so glad she's come into my life. I don't think it occurs to me how lucky I am to have her. The last thing I wanna do is become complacent, cos that happened last time and it ended badly (it didn't end specifically because I was complacent, but my complacency made the end that much more difficult to bear). I still don't even understand how I just so happened to be attracted to the one girl in my classes who was crazy about video games. How does that shit happen? Thinking about it makes me think this is all just a dream, that I'm about to wake up and realise that no, none of this magic has actually been cast, and my normal course of life is set to resume whenever I decide to get myself out of bed.



On a related-but-not-really-related note, I've been thinking about other girls from my past (yes, like that, if you insist on reading it that way, you degenerate reader you :P). This isn't a recent phenomenon, but a mode of thought that's permeated my head for long periods of time, fluctuating in terms of intensity and compulsion. There was a girl I met more than two years ago now at a sleepover, a girl I crushed on really hard. Like, I'm talking fifteen seconds between seeing her and not being able to keep my eyes off her. Whereas it took longer for feelings to develop for my current girlfriend, my feelings for this other girl just smacked me in the face. Just thinking about how excited I was brings me joy. Anyway, even though I asked her out and got rejected, I kinda stayed interested. I knew full well it was almost certainly not going to turn into a relationship; but at the very least, I wanted the two of us to get to know each other and see where it went, seeing as we didn't speak much before I asked her out. If we didn't have romantic chemistry (as was 99% likely), but could still be friends after learning more about each other, I would've gunned for that. But such a chance to meet and speak with her again has never arisen. From what I've heard, she wasn't as closely tied to the group I met that weekend than the others were, meaning she was less likely to show up to events. I don't even think she's been invited to any of the more-recent sleepovers we've had, regardless of who hosted them.

The meetups directly after the one where I met her were, in a way, akin to torture. Every time I was invited to a sleepover or a birthday party by anyone in the group, I was like "yes! This time I'll get to see her! This time I'll make some headway and see where things go!" Her eventual non-arrival would then disappoint and aggravate me, because I knew I'd have to wait another few months just for another chance to see her again. There were many times I wanted to tell particular members of the group how I felt, but I always resisted the urge. And it was a strong fucking urge, believe me. Time and time again, I had people's little Facebook message boxes open, ready to pour my heart and soul into, but I never went through with it because I could never see such venting coming across as anything but obsessive.

I don't want to date or sleep with this girl anymore, for obvious reasons. But to this day, I am still curious as to whether or not we could be friends. Can you have a platonic crush on someone? That's what I think this is: a platonic crush: a strong interest in someone's personality and personality alone. Maybe it'd suck! Maybe we'd meet up and it'd just be awkward and horrible, and we'd hardly speak to each other, and it'd be revealed that friendship between us is simply not possible. That'd be fantastic! I'd have an answer to my question, and could move on to the next one. But even though my thoughts on this topic have become far less frequent and distracting as time's gone by, I still think meeting this girl again and seeing where it goes would still be worth it.

Another girl I've been thinking about is one I liked in high school, my infatuation for whom provoked me to write stand-up in the first place (I initially planned to get her attention with a stand-up routine). My thoughts regarding her are similar to those regarding the aforementioned girl in that I wonder what it'd be like if we met in person again, having not seen each other in (at this point) nearly five years. It's an odd meet-up to think about because we were never friends in high school, and hardly spoke to one another—no surprise given we were two entirely different people with mutuality in neither friends nor interests. But that doesn't change the fact that were it not for her charm, I would never have become interested in what is now a staple of my life, nor would I have a personality anything like the one I do today. I don't know why this causal relation fascinates me so much, especially given the presence of other equally-important causes. Had I not stumbled across a Robin Williams HBO special at my local DVD store, I would never have been given such an enticing introduction to the same type of long-form stand-up I wanted to perform for the girl. But despite that, this girl still holds a special place in my heart, be it deserved or not.

From time to time, I'll think about the two of us meeting at random while I'm touring somewhere (you can tell this is far-fetched from the beginning cos I'm actually successful :P), and we'll recognise each other, and we both go "oh, it's you!", and we get coffee together or something, chatting about what we've been up to since high school. It makes me glow inside to think about that. Thing is, I don't think this'll ever happen; and if it does, it won't go the way I'd like it to go, like the vignette in my head. First off, chances are this girl doesn't even remember who I am—and if she does, it's not for good reasons. She may have played a key role in my past, but that role was not reciprocated. I'm fairly sure my crushing on her didn't result in her doing anything noteworthy. Were I to see her anywhere, I'd recognise her in an instant, but she probably wouldn't even know who I was. Second, even if she did recognise me (and had a clean/positive record of who I was), why on earth would she want to reminisce with me? Seriously, why? I can't fathom a reason. What would we have to talk about? The time I crushed on her? Not really worthy of discussion, not for very long anyway. Our lives after high school? Why would she give a shit what I've been doing since then? And why would she want to tell me what she's been up to? None of this makes any sense. Shit, even if I did see her, I wouldn't approach her, no way. As much as I might want to say something, the risk of awkwardness is far too high for such interaction to be worth it. And we even have a high school reunion thingy coming up, so technically speaking, seeing her in the near future is actually a possibility (though, if I remember correctly, she's out of the state and probably won't show up anyway also as if I'm going to attend anyway hahahahaha that's a good joke you should be a comedian).

If I did see her, I think it'd be enough to see her smile, to know she's happy. I know she probably is, all things considered, but the last look I saw on her face was not one of happiness. To actually see it for myself in person would probably clear a lot of this nonsense up. As for conversing with her, she'd have to speak to me first, and I'm not expecting that to happen under any circumstances.

So yeah, I'm still fuckin' weird. Quelle surprise :P

Thursday, 16 July 2015

Career: Uncertainty and Unwillingness

I've been thinking for a while about what I want to do with my life. For the longest time, I've wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But now, I'm starting to reconsider whether that's the best idea.

I can't remember how long I've wanted to be a stand-up comedian for, but it's been for at least a few years. I knew full well that stand-up wasn't all I wanted to do, but it was the main attraction, certainly. Even though stand-up is usually seen as a way to get into TV/film/writing, I wanted to do stand-up as its own reward, even if I did do other things on the side. I've known for a long time that I like writing comedy, that I enjoy performing it, and that I've had moderate success, at least in terms of audience reactions. It's to the point where I identify as a comedian: I have no issue with calling myself one, even if I do stick the word 'amateur' or 'wannabe' beforehand. I constantly tell jokes in conversations, so much so that it's basically how I warm myself to new people. It's the one skill I know I can rely on in most situation. The few accolades I've had in competitions are things I've listed in my resume, for fuck's sake. It's my thing. But now I'm not so sure I wanna pursue it as a career.

The main reason is that to commit to stand-up isn't just to take on a job; it's to take on a lifestyle. I've read story after story of comedians living out of their cars, living in cheap motels, travelling hundreds of miles to and from venues, while making chump change. Open mics are almost never paid gigs, not in the typical sense--you're paid in stage time and exposure, not dollars. I can't remember how many times I've performed in total (around 20, I'd say--not much for 5 years, I know :P), but I've only ever been paid once, and it took me by surprise. Given my lack of financial reserves and my pocket-money-level income stream, I can't currently afford to commit to this. Could I travel to open mics anyway? Sure, of course I could, and I'd like to continue doing so. My mum's told me numerous times she's willing to support me in this, including paying for transport. But in the long term, as an independently-funded venture, it's quite the investment. There's also the whole food thing, and the being-scared-of-travel thing, which are both obstacles, even if they can be overcome with some advance planning.

That really isn't the main issue, though. When talking to my mum about this whole life-plan thing, she raised a good point: I've been sheltered as fuck for my entire life. Like, I knew that already, but I didn't see the relevance until now. Even if my eating habits were normal and my fear of travel were non-existent, that doesn't change the fact that I've had a comfortable upbringing, and am simply not used to being deprived of anything. I'm used to having a bed, to having clothes, to having internet, and to having security in the form of a parent with the resources to protect me in case something goes wrong. If I'm on the road by myself, I lose all that security. This isn't to say I couldn't do it--I think if I wanted to do stand-up badly enough, I could--but it is to say that it would probably be a lot less comfortable than previously considered. There's also things like jobs and relationships that may also be put at stake, things that require some level of security themselves to function. It's just a very big shift, one that would, at the very least, require great thought, if not outright reconsideration.

So, what alternatives are there? My current focus is on writing. My mum's always said "I think you'll be more of a writer than a performer", not to deride my abilities in performing, but in reference to the aforementioned difficulties I would face in pursuing stand-up as a career. Sometimes, my mum's a lot more insightful than I give her credit for. With stand-up, writing is half the job, at least for most comedians. Unless you're Robin Williams, Dara O'Briain, Ross Noble, etc., you're gonna have to write shit down, and you're gonna have to refine it. I know full well that I've had more practice with the pen than the microphone, and as such, I have more faith in my abilities as a writer than as a performer. Thankfully, being a writer is far less taxing on one's security than being a performer. So long as I have a laptop, I can write fucking anywhere, rather than having to find an open mic. And while I may have to travel a bit as a writer (mainly to collaborate with other writers, I imagine), it wouldn't be anywhere near as frequently as it would be if I did stand-up. The pay would also be a little steadier, hopefully (even if I do have to submit things for free early on).

At the moment, I'd really like to get into writing satire. I like reading satirical pieces like those published by The Backburner, The Shovel, The Onion, etc., and when I do read them, I'm like "hey, I can write stuff like that!" I do have a few ideas in mind: some fake interviews, a few fake news articles, even drawings (even though I can't draw :P). Reading the news usually makes a few more light bulbs go off too. I'm evermore keen to write some stuff and then contact the uni magazine to say "hey, I write funny things! Here are some of those things", to see if they're willing to take me on board. I think it's a more consistent outlet than open mics, and it allows me to explore a new form--multiple, in fact, seeing as I can do interviews, news articles, speeches, even implementing graphics if I get really into it. I dunno how you get into the profession on a paid basis (same way as stand-up, probably: networking and exposure); and just like with stand-up, I don't necessarily want to just write satire. But it seems like another route I could take, one more suited to who I am as a person.

Another avenue I've thought about also involves writing, but in a different way. And I didn't think it was a viable option until a conversation I had with one of my tutors at uni. I was consulting with him, where he said (and I know this is a humble-brag, but fuck you :P) "you're very bright. Are you going to do honours [in philosophy]? Go on to do post-grad, perhaps?" I was taken aback, to be honest. I know I'm not dreadful at philosophy, but I didn't consider myself to be too crash-hot. That said, I have actually thought about it, at least about doing a Ph.D, reason being that I've considered working as a philosophy lecturer. I really enjoy the idea of being a lecturer: it's kinda like stand-up, but without the pressure to be funny. I get to explore complex idea, but I don't have to mangle it into a series of jokes; I can just present it in the clearest, most concise way I can think of. That means there's an element of writing to it as well, seeing as I have to figure out how best to convey the ideas the class needs to learn about. The thing is, a) it's expensive (huge-ass HECS debt, yo), and b) you have to write a thesis. I'm llaaaaazzzzyyyyy. Writing a thesis is hhhaaarrrdddd. Urgh :P

Incidentally, though, there is actually a specific thesis I'd like to write. Obviously, I'm too inexperienced to start writing it, but I've thought a great deal about the topic and how I'd write about it, both in stand-up form and in academic form, even considering writing an academic paper and then using stand-up as a way to distribute it to the masses. Basically, I'm super-interested in pornography: not just in the "aw yeah, it's hawt" way, but in terms of how it's produced, how it's consumed, how it's perceived, how it's legislated, and how it influences people, particularly teenagers. Linked into that is the issue of sex education pertaining to porn, ie. how porn is pretty much ignored in sex ed (as far as I can tell). I basically wanna explore potential solutions to porn's negative effects, given I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to produce or consume it (and can even be a positive thing if consumed correctly). I've thought about it for years, and if I had to write a thesis right now on a given topic, that would be the topic. Now, I dunno if you can write a thesis on whatever the fuck you feel like, or if you have to be part of a research program--I honestly have no clue, so it's just speculation at this point, and it may never happen. But if I do well enough at uni for this to be a possibility (and it is an if, cos you have to have a distinction-average to get into honours, which I feel would be necessary for post-grad work), it might just be worth pursuing. I also think it'd be immensely fulfilling, given the work involved and the potential impacts.

I suppose I could write about the philosophy of comedy too. I dunno how much is really written about that. Could be heaps; could be almost nothing. But it's another subject I can delve into and write about in-depth and at length.


The other thing with having a Ph.D is that I don't think you can just lecture: I think you actually have to keep doing research, regularly publishing papers and stuff. More work! >:(

As for stand-up, I still want to write sets and perform them; I'm only sceptical of my potential as a professional comedian. I could write satire and do stand-up on the side; I could work on my academic stuff for most of the week and go to open mics on the weekends. Such multitasking is far from impossible. Just working stuff out, I guess.

That and I need a goddamn job. Having no money is awful :(

Saturday, 20 June 2015

New Territory

So things are going really well with this girl I'm seeing. I don't want to delve into detail cos to do so would be to disrespect her privacy, but I'm just amazed at how well it's going. It's crazy. Whenever we talk, what feels like 15 minutes ends up being an hour. Being around her is never not fun. So far, this whole thing has been a whirlwind of awesome :D

While I have dated before, the time since I last did id (4.5 years) has meant I've had to relearn a lot of things I previously knew how to do. Like, my first kiss was my ex, but when I kissed this new girl, it was... weird :P  I was missing her mouth, biting her lip, all kinds of dumb shit :P  Turned out I was kissing her like I kissed my ex, and she just had a totally different kissing style. We eventually got used to each other's style, which was good, but that then lead to, you know... more kissing. Like, lots of kissing in a row. That's been totally new ground for me, something I'm not used to. I didn't give my girlfriend anything more than singular kisses when she showed up/left--there's a bit more involved this time around :P  Now that we've gotten used to each other, it feels great, but I'm sure there'll be many more things I have to learn along the way here.

Speaking of totally new ground, we've started talking a little more... intimately. Sex is something I never talked about with my ex; it was just never an issue. And, again, while I don't want to dive into detail and extrapolate on what we've been talking about, I will say that it's exciting as all hell. It's liberating, being able to be honest with someone about how you feel about them sexually. I could never have said any of these things to my ex without making her feel frightened; but now, it's in the open, and I don't have to worry about offending the girl's sensibilities. As new as it is, I think I'm catching on pretty fast, though sometimes I am caught off-guard by things she says (and even things I say, now and again). It was a little odd at first, when the flirting got a little more intense and those intimate questions started being asked, cos hearing a woman talk about her feelings for me like that wasn't something I'd ever experienced. But it's developed into something sexy and fun, something I initiate as often as she does. Part of me wonders if it'll always be this thrilling, or if I'll just get used to it (kind of like how I got used to cuddling my ex), but I'll have to wait and see.

I'm just so happy this is all happening. It was so blasé, being told "oh, you'll find someone eventually" or "she's out there somewhere" or whatever other bullshit, but I guess there was probably going to be some truth to it. Part of me fears waking up and realising it's all a dream; part of me thinks "something's gonna go wrong, just you wait"; part of me questions everything I say to and do with her, wondering about what she infers from it all. But most of me is cheerful, excited, and satisfied. The pessimism surrounding the whole "something's gonna go wrong" thing is a little annoying, cos I keep wondering if and when this is all gonna end, and that's a horrible thought to have. The fact of the matter is that, clearly, neither one of us wants this to end just yet, so who cares? I have to just enjoy it for what it is and what it becomes. And by the looks of it, it's gonna become something pretty fantastic :)

Not gonna say anything more for now, even though there are other things I could talk about. Maybe later.

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Date: The First of (Hopefully) Many

So I went out with that girl.

Holy shit. It was awesome :D

I really don't want to delve into explicit detail; I do not believe this is the best place to do that. I won't go into a step-by-step as to what happened and how each segment went (and even if I wanted to, I couldn't, cos I don't really know how to divvy it up into little bits). But I will say that even though I figured it'd go pretty well, it still managed to surpass my expectations. There was almost nothing that went wrong. I was never uncomfortable, and I was pushing my boundaries without even trying. Every time we meet up, I get more confident about this thing going somewhere, and this was the biggest boost by far.

For starters, we went to the spot at 1:30pm. We got there, and we talked, and we ordered our food, and we talked, and the food came, so we ate and talked, then we finished eating but kept talking, and we talked and we talked, and we talked and talked and talked, and we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more. By the time one of us had the presence of mind to go "oh, what time is it?", it was 5:00pm. We were there for three-and-a-half hours. It felt like one-and-a-half hours, two tops. It was insane how fast the time went. I did notice people coming and going (I could see the entrance to the of the venue), but it still didn't feel like we were there for that long. And for that three-and-a-half hours, there was hardly a second of awkwardness. It was comfortable for both of us the entire time, save for the odd silence here and there (but we were both at least a little nervous, so that's to be expected). That fact alone made me go "wow, it is really fun spending time with her, and clearly she reciprocates cos she was surprised too".

Secondly, I somehow—some-fucking-how—managed to compliment her appearance in what is probably the smoothest thing I have ever done. This indicates to me the sheer level of comfort I was in, cos I never say anything about a woman's appearance for fear of offending them, yet I took this and just fucking ran with it cos it was such a perfect opportunity. Again, I don't want to get into too much detail here, mainly cos it'd violate her privacy. But basically, she works in retail, and one day, she was given a customer appraisal. She scored perfect marks in all but one section, where the comment read 'this employee wasn't very attractive'. Obviously, the first thing I did was state (as she already had) how utterly ridiculous that is. Like, seriously? The fuck kind of critique is that? I don't… what? What? It goes without saying how irrelevant that is. But after that, I was like "and secondly, such bad taste! Such. Bad. Taste! I mean, come on!", gesturing towards her face. And every fucking neuron in my brain froze to see the reaction, each one equally shocked that, yes, I just said that.

She blushed, looked down, and said she was a little embarrassed (in an adorable "oh stop it, you!" way).

"Oh my god did I just compliment a woman on her appearance and not totally fuck everything up? I think I did. I think that is exactly the thing that just happened."

My neurons are still partying over that success :P I don't mean to brag about it too much—I just saw an opportunity and took it, cos it was too good to pass up—but I was proud that I did something I would never otherwise consider doing, and that there was no hesitation when I did it. I knew exactly what to do the moment she finished telling me the story about her appraisal, and went through with it on the fly. My limits are almost getting too easy to push at this point. In addition, I genuinely do think she's super cute, and I wanted her to know that, and now she does :)

On a final note, we have so many more similarities than I previously thought. We like the same things, we dislike the same things, we have the same feelings during similar experiences—we just relate on fucking everything. Anytime I thought we were out of similarities, another one would come about. The amount of times one of us said "me too!" or "I can totally relate to that" or "I'm exactly the same in [a particular situation]" or some equivalent… too many to count.

I can't believe how well this is going. No matter what happens, I'm continuing to say "hey, you're not out of the woods yet, don't jump the gun, don't assume anything", etc., but I'm only trying to avoid setting myself up for failure, seeing as I've done it before. Even with that cautionary mindset, though, I'm more confident than ever now that this will go somewhere. This girl is amazing to be around, and I really want to spend more time with her over the uni break. I wanna go places with her, play games with her, have her meet my friends, meet her friends—so many things I wanna do!

I just wish these fucking assessments would go away. Ugh. You should take a page out of this girl's book, assessments. Be fun! Be interesting! You're all awful.

Thursday, 7 May 2015

Soooo...

I can finally talk about that thing I’ve been saying I can’t talk about! Finally! It’s actually two things, but I'm only gonna talk about one of them in any real depth. The rest shall come in time.

So, a fair while ago (I don't even remember when), a friend of mine told me about this girl she knew at work. She was described as shy and nerdy, leading the two of us to joke about me going out with this girl, given it seemed so plausible in theory. I was told about a few of her interests, none of which really clicked with me, but she was definitely a geek, so I knew there could be other things she liked which I’d be into as well. That said, I didn’t put much more thought into the situation afterwards, thinking of it as nothing but a joke.

At some point, I went into my friend’s work, and was told after I went home that the girl was seen looking at me, my friend believing this girl had some kind of crush on me. Upon hearing that, I thought to myself “well, hang on… maybe this could actually be a thing. I already have reason to believe she likes me—nothing to lose, right?” So I figured I’d pursue the girl and see where it went.

To test the waters, I got my friend to ‘accidentally’ buy an extra ticket for a stand-up competition I was entering, to see if she liked my material. I figured if she didn’t enjoy my performance, she wouldn’t enjoy me as a person. I’d also get to see what she looked like, and I might get to talk to her in person at some point during the evening. It was basically intel-gathering all around :P

I didn’t see the girl until the interval, which directly followed my performance—pretty good timing considering I also rocked the house that night (I did way better than I thought I would). I went into the audience when the interval started, seeing my friend and the girl sitting together in the front row. I walked over, was congratulated by the group, then my friend conveniently gets up and leaves, obviously so the girl and I can chat in peace.

But, what’s that I hear in the distance? “Yo dude, that was awesome!”

Another friend I’d invited, sitting somewhere totally different in the audience, came up and started talking to me. Now, if I were a smart man, I’d have at least tried to include the girl in the conversation, perhaps by introducing her to my friend and vice-versa. I am not a smart man. I am not a smart man at all. What did I do? I just talked to my friend! I just left this poor girl sitting there, clearly wanting to talk to me, but being unable to cos she’s shy and she had no idea who the other guy was, thus not wanting to butt in. You’d think for all the complaining I’ve done about being left out of group conversation, I’d know how it feels and extend a helping hand. But nope: I’m a fucking idiot. Oh well, no harm done.

Though I didn’t get to speak to the girl, I at least got to see what she looked like. To be honest, though, I wasn’t really blown away or anything. Her combination of features just wasn’t clicking with me, you know? In spite of that, however, I thought “I should still give her a chance. My first girlfriend didn’t click with me physically until I really got to know her. Maybe it’ll be the same this time round”.

That in mind, I decided I would ask her out. I couldn’t wait for her to ask me out, cos we had no contact other than through my friend, and even if we did, she’s shy, so she wouldn’t have made the first move anyway. This meant I was gonna have to ask her out at her work. All things considered, this was a weird situation, quite different from all the other times I’ve asked girls out (all three of them :P). It wasn’t just because I was gonna have to ask her out at work; it was due to the fact I was asking a girl out not because I had feelings for her, but because she had feelings for me. The fact there existed a girl with feelings for me was weird enough in and of itself, but this was doubly weird.

I went in with my friend one Friday hoping to ask her out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I kind of already knew she was gonna say ‘yes’. At first, it was because I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was working (it’s always busy where she works), but I procrastinated too much and left it too late. Having lost the will to do it, I went home, but vowed to return the next week to do it for realzies. I knew I’d have to go in super-early, to catch her before she started working, leaving me without any excuses to make (cos we all know how good at making excuses I am :P)



Here’s where things get fuckin’ weird. Now, remember: I’ve already committed to asking this girl out. I’ve already decided that’s what I’m gonna do. And yet, this thing happened. And you’ll know exactly what the fuck it is before you get past the next paragraph :P

The Monday after my first ‘attempt’ at asking the girl out, I’m in a lecture for one of my classes. I’m sitting directly opposite the projector screen. But there are also seats facing 90° to the left and to the right; in one of those seats sits a random girl (if you have not guessed what’s gonna happen, please hit yourself, because you deserve to feel pain for being such a moron).

Now, at first, I start checking this girl out, but only because I think she’s a girl I already know from somewhere else. Incidentally, this girl I know is one I find quite sexy, even though I'm fairly sure she wouldn't reciprocate :P  Thing is, that girl doesn’t go to our uni; I know for a fact she's enrolled elsewhere. But from the side, this random girl in my class looked identical to that girl I know. She had the same skin colour, same build, same hair—it looked just like her. But I couldn’t see her face because she was in front of me, her head turned to face the projector screen, so I was unable to confirm her identity. I was confused as all hell, but I kept looking for anything—anything—that would clear this up (and, you know... cos teh hotness :P). I thought “it looks like her, but can’t be her… but it also could be her. Maybe she’s on some weird exchange program or something. But why would she come here? For this class? This isn’t an exotic subject, or even an interesting subject. It can’t be her… but it looks so much like her that I don’t see how it can be anyone else!” To top it all off, the topic for the class was knowledge: more specifically, if and when people can actually know things. MIND. FUCK.

Anyway, after class was over and people were leaving the room, I trailed behind the girl. When passing through the classroom door, she tried to put the little door-stopper thing in the door (but totally failed, as has everyone who has ever fucking tried :P). In doing so, she turned around, and I got a glimpse of her face: it was not the girl I though it was, or any other girl I already knew. It was some totally different girl.

Some totally different, totally cute, totally hot… girl…

Do you see the conundrum? I hope you do :P

I went home that afternoon feeling a happiness I hadn’t felt in a while—not in terms of volume, but in terms of category. I hadn’t had that feeling when looking at a girl for at least a year, and there it was, all over again. I didn’t even know anything about this girl from class, but I wanted to pursue her, even though I knew my chances were slim, and even though I knew I had this other commitment with the girl I met through my friend.



For the sake of simplicity, from this point onwards, girl from friend’s work = Girl A, girl from class = Girl B

It didn’t take me too long to figure out what to do. I knew full well that if Girl A was right for me, it’d become apparent when we went out and got to know each other, making Girl B irrelevant, as… tantalising as she was :P  So, even with Girl B in the picture, I still had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I thought “if it works out with Girl A, cool, I can see where things go with that. If it doesn’t work out with Girl A, no biggie: I can pursue Girl B instead, and I could still make a new friend out of Girl A anyway”. It was also a matter of 'first come, first served': I'd already committed to asking Girl A out, so I felt it would be wrong not to honour that commitment.

I went into Girl A’s work again later that week and asked her out before she started working (though I did stand there shaking like a nervous wreck for the five minutes she spent solving problems for other people before ‘officially’ beginning work). She figured I wanted to speak to her, seeing as I was hanging around her desk at a place I didn’t work at :P I asked if she’d like to go out to lunch with me, and she accepted. We exchanged numbers, and I told her I’d meet her at work so we could walk to the spot together. I was so nervous that my voice went all crackly and quiet when talking to her, so I knew that if I asked any girls out in the future, Girl B in particular, I’d have to work on my verbal confidence. That aside, I walked home feeling pretty happy about the fact that I’d asked the girl out, seeing as I hadn’t done that in a while.

I went back to the girl's work later that day to meet up with her. While waiting outside, anxiety crept into my system, making a rather permanent nest in my stomach. This wasn't anything to do with Girl B, but rather due to a simple analysis of what had happened with Girl A thus far. I knew what she looked like, and that didn't click with me; I knew some of her interests, and that didn't click with me either. All that was really left was to experience her one-on-one. It all came down to how she was as a person to talk to and bond with, as well as any extra interests she might have which I didn't know about. It was a long shot, and I didn't have my hopes up. I've never had to turn someone down before, nor have I had a 'bad date' before (even though I never specified this was a date), so I felt unprepared to deal with the situation if things went pear-shaped. In addition, the whole concept of taking someone out to eat to learn about them was totally new to me, so I was in unfamiliar territory from the get-go.

Not long after I arrived, the girl came out and said hi, then we started walking to the spot. She was more talkative than me (she might be shy, but she liked me, so this makes sense), and her presence was only making me more nervous. I was trying my best to respond to what she was saying, but it wasn't a comfortable conversation, at least not for me.

We arrived at the spot. I'd been there before, making me feel a little more at home; but she hadn't been there before, making me feel slightly more comfortable because it meant I could tell her about the place, giving me something to actually say. I went over the different items on the menu, talking about the things I'd had before, things my friends had liked, and so on. After we ordered, we started asking each other questions while we waited for our food, continuing to do so after it arrived. She was asked me more questions than I her, but that was to be expected. She was interested in what I was studying, so I was at least able to speak about something I knew about. But despite that, and despite my presence in a familiar location, I was still more rigid than I felt I should've been. I asked about her education as well, but the focus was most certainly on me as far as that topic was concerned. As for hobbies, I got onto the subject of gaming, and she said that while she does play games from time to time, she's not as into it as I am. The types of games she's into were also different to the ones I'm into. There was still enough common ground to carry the conversation for a while, but not enough to relax me.

We got onto politics at some point, a topic people usually avoid like the plague (I know I do :P). But, to my surprise, of all the discussions we had that afternoon, this one was the most fluid. Our views on politics were very similar (practically identical, really), and she was far more knowledgeable of the subject than I anticipated—not because I thought she was an idiot (her intellect was never in question), but because it just never occurred to me that she would know as much about the topic as she did. She also knows her history well (an area where I am lacking so bad :P), and would link our modern situation with those of the past. Best of all, though knowledgeable on these topics, she was never preachy or arrogant or anything; she was just able to speak about them with a fair amount of background knowledge. As awkward as parts of that meet-up were, this part was really cool, because it revealed a side of her I didn't know about, one I can admire in spite of the fact I wasn't reciprocating on a romantic level (remember: I figured I could befriend her if things didn't work out that way).

Towards the end, and as we walked back to her work, the girl got onto the subject of my comedy. She spoke very highly of my material, praising it for its cleverness and its ability to provoke introspection (which, to be fair, is something I aim for, so I'm pleased it comes across). This was also a fairly lax conversation for me—I mean, I was being commended here, so it was hard not to feel good :P  I like talking about comedy in-depth like this, going over the writing process, how I come up with ideas, how I deliver, etc, so it was a nice way to end the outing. One really stupid thing I did when I got back to her office: she said "I really enjoyed myself" or something like that, and you know what I said back? "Thank you". I'm sorry, what? Was I solely responsible for all the enjoyment she had? Did it have nothing to do with where we went, the food, or her own contributions to the conversation? No no, it was all me, all me. I obviously didn't mean it that way—it was a slip of the tongue—but still... man that was dumb :P

After she went back inside and I went to catch the bus home, I felt a little heartbroken. I'd given this girl every chance I could, but nothing clicked. As low as my expectations were given the circumstances, part of me wanted it to all work out in the end. And worst of all, I realised that I was going to have to let the girl down. I was going to have to reject her. I know first-hand how it feels to be rejected, but having to do the rejecting didn't feel as though it'd be any easier. Hell, the very reason I felt bad about having to do that was because I've been on her end of that conversation on multiple occasions, and it always sucks. There's no reasoning you can fall back on, no valid, sound argument you can make such that the other person goes "oh, that's fair enough, then". You have no choice but to remove their heart from their chest and squeeze it as hard as it can till it breaks, so it has the ability to re-form for another person in the future.

Thankfully, I haven't had to go through the whole "I'm just not interested" conversation, but I couldn't during our meet-up, because she hadn't told me herself that she liked me. I needed her to fess up to those feelings before I could destroy them. And I think it might have been better if we did have that conversation, cos I know what it's like to get the silent treatment: it just means the heart-crushing is slower and more painful. You wait and you wait and you wait, the lack of outright rejection leaving you able to say "there might be a chance!" I don't know. Maybe she's gotten over it already. I hope she has, for her sake. I'd like to be her friend, because I think we could get along and enjoy each other's company without the whole 'crush' thing lingering in the background. I also think she'd really get along with my friends, particularly my local friends, as I know they share interests.

In addition to all that, I think I might be able to set her up with another guy, too. I was telling my mum about the girl, about the outing, etc., and she too suggested I befriend the girl and keep in contact with her. While discussing that, out of nowhere, she said "she and [guy friend] would really get along". After going over that hypothetical in my mind, I replied with "...there is way more truth to that than you might realise...". And while I don't wanna throw her over to him like "here, you have a try!"—it takes time for feelings to die down, for her to be open to liking someone else (if she's anything like me, at least)—I still think it'd be really cool to see it happen. There are no guarantees, of course, but it's worth a shot, right? I'll pull some strings, see what I can do :P



So, what about Girl B? What's happening there? I don't wanna talk too much about that right now. I will say that I've asked her out, and that she said yes. But we haven't gone out just yet, so I wanna refrain from saying anymore about her until that happens.

So yeah, I somehow managed to ask two girls out in the space of six weeks. As amazingly talented as this may seem, please keep your swooning to a minimum, and refrain from asking me to run for the presidency of any country.

Monday, 27 April 2015

Goals: Meeting Them and Making Them

Hopefully my next blog article will be more... interesting ;)
Probably not, unfortunately. But the one after this, the one probably going up in about 48 hours?* Definitely gonna be interesting. I'm serious: it'll blow your fucking mind, at least if you know me personally :P 

*Change that to 'a week from now'; stuff came up, not my fault, I pwomise :P

It also feels somewhat petty to discuss what I have to discuss cos one of my other friends had someone quite close to them die, and another's been having numerous family issues (nothing huge, but still not optimal). Meanwhile, I'm over here going 'yup... everything's relatively cool over here. Nothing to complain about... nope.' I guess it sucks reading about that kind of stuff knowing that you can't really help, and that the person in question has to get through it on their own

Enough about that, though. Having been on what I suppose you could call a 'journey' of self-improvement over the last eighteen months, I think I've come pretty far. A lot of the things I wanted to achieve, I have: I've met new people, I'm more comfortable in social situations (which are also more frequent), and I'm less hesitant to act now than I was before, at least in most cases. I've come to realise that a lot of the things I set out to do have been done, so I've basically been having to make goals up as I go along. I didn't even realise this until a couple of minutes ago, to be honest—that's why I'm writing. Instead of having some master list of problems to solve in my head, I've been jotting things down sometimes and, with any luck, crossing them off sometime later.

And there are even some problems I'm solving without even realising I'm solving them. Like, the other week, I recognised someone from the games store in town, and I was like "excuse me, do you work at [store name]" and they were like "yeah, I do, actually!", and we started talking about games and stuff. Only when I got home did I realise what I'd done: I'd just talked to a stranger. Like, I talked to them first. I started that conversation.



As for new goals, one thing I've been thinking about lately is international travel. I've pondered the topic mostly because almost all my friends have gone overseas now (some on exchange through uni, some on purely personal trips). To be honest, I've never really wanted to go overseas, nor even leave my state. I don't care much for cultural tourism, at least not personally. There are no countries I'm dying to go to just so I can see their landmarks, experience their customs, eat their food (fuck that :P); there really aren't any aspects of visiting or living in another country that I wanna experience. Also, even if I did want to go to other countries or states, we've never really had the money to do that, so it's not something I've ever even had the option of doing. This is in addition to the regular 'food' and 'general scariness' objections I'd normally have to such an activity.

The thing is, given that being a stand-up comedian is a serious goal for me now, travel is, quite ironically, almost essential in moving up the latter. You can't be a comedian and perform at the same five open mics for the rest of your career; you have to go and perform for other people, lots of other people. And I think I'd be happy to travel if it was to work in that field. I'd love to go to the United States and tour around, performing at comedy clubs all over the country. To do the same in England, or even another European country with a sizeable English-speaking audience, would be pretty cool too. It's not like that's all I'd do—there are obviously some cultural things I'd engage in for each place I went to—but if I ever leave this country, the focus will almost certainly be performing stand-up.



A more achievable goal I've been thinking about is getting involved in comedy at uni, something I've mentioned on this blog several times before. People have repeatedly asked why I haven't contacted the Unibar about performing there, but I cannot bring myself to ask them for stage time when I'm the only one performing. It seems supremely arrogant to contact a bar asking if I can perform alone. My current set is five minutes long; I'm fairly sure if they're gonna put a comedian on stage, they're gonna want more than that. If there were other people willing to go up alongside me, I'd be happy for us to ask as a group, but I am literally the only person I know at that uni who does comedy in any way, shape, or form. I've also mentioned wanting to contact the student magazine offering to write satire, but haven't really done that either—I think the reason I cited for that is because each issue is about a particular theme, and I doubted any assurance on my part that I could joke about whatever theme they could throw at me.

However, if I approach this the right way, these two things (stand-up and written satire) might lead into one another. Let's say I contacted the student mag about writing satire (or just comedic stuff in general), and they took me on board, allowing me to write stuff; let's also say that, generally speaking, students actually liked my content. That would allow me to make a name for myself through a medium which already has an established audience. I can then use that success to go "hey, find my writing funny, I also do stand-up!" and either advertise an upcoming gig, or better still, trial a stand-up performance at uni itself. People will already have some idea of who I am, and (assuming success with the writing) people will like what I do, potentially wanting to see more. Bingo: I have a student audience for my stand-up! Hooray :)  I wouldn't want to use the writing position just to advance my stand-up, as the writing experience would be rewarding in and of itself, a good way to branch out and try something new; but it does have the added bonus of potentially fulfilling another goal of mine.

There are legitimate fears on my part that have lead me to hesitate, potential outcomes I truly dread having to face as either a writer or a performer in the public eye. These aren't flippant excuses for not making more of an effort to get in touch with people; these are things I've thought about to the point of feeling depressed and/or crying (though the latter is a rarity—if I react negatively to these thoughts, I usually just feel blue). While I don't shy away from discussing ethical, political, and religious issues in my act, I don't want people to misinterpret my jokes for any sort of activism. However staunchly I may put forward an argument or defend a position, at the end of the day, they're just jokes. I don't want to be mistaken for an activist, or even someone who thinks he's super clever, cos I'm neither of those things. It's not like I believe I'm immune to criticism or anything; I just don't want to get involved in public disputes with people, or become someone who's explicitly asked to debate topics cos I'm well-known or perceived as knowledgeable. I'm happy to plant seeds of doubt and stimulate discussion, but in-depth examination of issues should be left to people who aren't complete fuckwits, AKA people who aren't me.

I also don't want to be in class and have the teacher or some student go "hey, Liam talks about stuff like this on stage! What do you think?" Dude, if I was willing to talk in class, I'd have done so by this point. Leave me the fuck alone to sit here in peace until class ends. I also really really don't want assholes walking up to me while I'm walking to class or hanging with friends, or at any other time, berating me for shit I've said or written cos they're offended or whatever. I don't wanna hear it, cos I don't fucking care :P

I still think it'd be a good thing overall, though, to get involved with that. I dunno if it'll actually happen—maybe the uni mag already has a satirist (I don't read the thing... I should probably read the thing :P), or maybe they aren't looking for one—but if it does happen, it should be worth it, despite the risks.

Sunday, 12 April 2015

Noms and Talking

I went to my best friend's 21st this evening. It was a really good night: nothing went wrong, and I only felt uncomfortable when it came time to eat, which is the norm.

The food thing is actually the first topic I wanna discuss. I know there's a lot of food I find disgusting even though other people find delicious, and I know it's largely an issue of perspective and psychology, but I swear to god, some things are so repulsive that I can't imagine why I'd ever want to eat them. The birthday was at a steakhouse, so it's no surprise that people were eating steak. The person next to me ordered steak, so I got to see up close what it looked and smelled like. It was not good. It was not good at all. It didn't look very appetising, but meat products never have for me. It's just gross. It's not a moral concern on my part (I don't think I could give any less of a fuck about animals if I tried :P); it's purely a reaction to the textures I'm seeing.

Worse still was the smell: it smelt horrible! It smelt so fucking bad! Every time he cut into it, it let out this... wretched, repulsive odour. And I smelled it repeatedly: it didn't get better the more I smelled it. It was just terrible. This didn't ruin my evening, don't get me wrong--I wasn't freaking out or anything. I was just blown away by the magnitude of awful that meal smelled of. While I don't eat bread, fruit, or vegetables, those things at least look decent, and smell kinda nice. Certain types of bread can smell awesome, and fruit can look pretty tasty at times, even if I am averse to actually eating it. Meat though? Pretty much the worst fucking thing ever right now. Bacon looks and smells awful, beef looks and smells awful, chicken looks and smells awful... I'm seeing a pattern here :P I don't think I'll ever eat any dead animals. And I know that's OK, but it does mean that even if my eating habits do improve, I still have to be that fussy cunt who won't eat stuff :P

Also, this is relevant, and has the potential to be extremely relevant, for reasons I can't quite bring up yet. Argh :P

Anyway, that aside, let's look at the social side of things. It was pretty comfortable! I mean, I was surrounded by my friends, and it's my best friend's party, so obviously I'm gonna have all the funz. But it was easier than I would normally expect such an outing to be. On the way there, someone in the car said they were nervous about meeting new people. I wasn't nervous at all--like, I just wasn't. New people usually freak me out, but I honestly had no issue. I actually wanted to meet the new people, cos they've always sounded like amicable folks (and they were :D), so I wasn't nervous at all about meeting them for the first time, even though I never had before. I seem to be getting a lot better around people I don't know. And granted, the things I'm really scared of (cold introductions) weren't going to happen, so my worst fears couldn't possibly be realised. But I still managed to talk and joke with one of the new people (the other one wasn't too talkative, which is fair enough given he knew hardly anyone at the party), which is above and beyond what I normally expect of myself. I was never uncomfortable for any social reason, and I do mean never. I even pitched in and did one of the 'hip hip's when we were singing Happy Birthday and the person who originally said "hip hip" didn't quite commit to saying it three times. I never say 'hip hip'! Holy shit, dude! Come to think of it, I never even thought about potential social awkwardness, much less experienced it. Progress :D

The only thing I think I could've done better with is thinking of more elaborate ways to describe what I've been up to, seeing as that's such a common question at these things. I don't wanna bang on and on about stuff, but sometimes, I get home after going to an event, and think "man, I could've answered that question in more depth". It's also kinda hard when the person I'm talking to doesn't ask follow up questions, cos then the only way to keep going is to bang on and on, but what can you do, right?

So yeah, I had heaps of fun. Hopefully my next blog article will be more... interesting ;)