So I went to the meet-and-greet thing held by the gaming association at my uni. Things went pear-shaped before I even arrived cos it turns out I wrote the time down incorrectly on my calendar, thus showing up half-an-hour after the thing started. I didn't think I'd missed anything important, though.
When I got there, I walked into the room the people were in and saw them setting up some TV's and consoles. There were some people on laptops playing MMO's, but most people there seemed to be console folk, which is what I am, at least mostly. I do play PC games alongside console games, but the PC folk in the organisation seem to mainly focus on League of Legends and DOTA, two games I could not possibly give less of a fuck about :P Console-wise, they were setting up for a Smash Bros. tourney, which wasn't too surprising. Smash is one of those games I do play, but only casually. These people, though... definitely not casuals :P There's a fairly active competitive scene in the group, it seems. Fighting games just aren't my thing, so I couldn't get in on that.
But alas, what's that I hear? "Mario Kart's set up over here, guys!" Mario Kart? That's my jam! I'm totally up for some Mario Kart right about now! Fuck yes, let's go play Mario Kart. They had Mario Kart 64 set up on a projector screen, away from the Smash Bros peeps, but still in the same room. I walk on over and pick up a controller, along with three other people.
The fact that it was Mario Kart 64 makes things a little odd. Most people haven't picked up a Nintendo 64 controller in fuckin' ages; I, on the other hand, have one sitting in my entertainment unit cos I wuv it ^_^ Most people haven't played any iteration of Mario Kart in a long time, much less one that came out in 1996; I haven't played it in a while either, but I've played it so much that I know it like the back of my own hand regardless. On one hand, this is good: people were asking what the controls were, and I was answering each time, cos I was seemingly the only one who knew. Any time a question about the game came up, I could answer with confidence, cos, as I said, this is my jam right here. It gave me a chance to talk, which was invaluable at the time. On the other hand, I knew in advance that because they didn't even know the controls, much less anything else about the game, I wasn't gonna face any stiff competition. The reason that's bad is because when one person wins a game over and over again, it can make the others feel kinda shitty. It's not like I wanna rub it in people's faces that I'm good at the game, but I'm not gonna go easy on people cos that's fuckin' patronising. Thankfully, people seemed to have fun regardless, and I was too! It was a little awkward cos I didn't know the people playing with me, but it didn't matter. Good times were had :)
It's weird, though: they have a huge competitive Smash scene, yet there's not one person there who's into Mario Kart like I am, at least not to my knowledge. This must be fixed :P
Anyway, once people left Mario Kart, I went to watch the Smash tourney which was under way. At this point, I should clarify that I haven't really 'introduced' myself to anyone, not formally. No one there knows who I am, no one knows my name; I'm truly anonymous at this stage (though I am not legion, and I forget shit all the time). Everyone else, however, seemed to know at least one other person there. People were speaking to each other, clearly because they already know each other. I, on the other hand, was just... there. And granted, Smash isn't something I'm into like these people, but I watched anyway cos it's still fun to see players exhibit skill, even if I don't fully understand the mechanics of what they're doing. It didn't matter, though, cos I still felt awkward, like I didn't quite belong (go away Year 12 English no one likes you >.<). I didn't know what to say—what was there even to say? What the hell am I supposed to put forward when there's nothing to be said? The awkwardness was starting to take its toll on me, and self-confidence was fleeting, especially compared to how I was doing when playing Mario Kart.
Not long after the Smash tourney finished, they started a Halo 3 tourney. I haven't played Halo in ages, but I know I'm not totally awful at it, so I enter. They're holding this one in a totally different area, so I go there with the others. Once I get there, though I'm in a different room, the environment is identical: people who already know each other speaking with one another, while I'm there along not able to join in. I'm also nervous at this point cos I'm waiting for my name to be called for whichever round I'm in, not wishing to make things difficult for the organisers by missing my round (which always happens at these fuckin' things, cos people are all over the joint playing multiple things at once :P).
Anyway, as they played, I sat and watched. As I watched the first round, I started to feel more dejected as I realised that while this is supposed to be a meet-and-greet, I had neither met nor greeted anyone for the entire time I'd been there. I'd spoken to people, that's true—I haven't stayed in my shell and avoided people or anything—but I hadn't made any lasting impressions. I haven't shaken anyone's hand, or told anyone my name (apart to sign up for the tourney), or learned about anyone new. I eventually played my round of Halo, somehow managing to win (my opponents seemed about as unfamiliar with the game as me, lol), but I hardly opened my mouth the entire round.
Eventually, pizza arrived, so everyone flocked to get some. I thought "well, going over there isn't gonna do you any favours, cos you'll just be asked over and over again a) if you'd like any food, and b) why your answer to that question is 'no' :P". So I stayed in the console area. I felt shitty at this point: although I didn't expect to meet a bajillion people or befriend people instantaneously, I did expect to at least learn some names and chat a little bit. I didn't think it was much to ask of myself, but it evidently was.
I felt much the same as I played the final round of Halo with the people who'd won the other rounds. I only cracked, like, one joke the whole time—Mario Kart Wii was on in the background, the menu music playing at full blast, so I was like "this is my favourite song from the Halo 3 soundtrack". And even then, I thought of that joke five-to-ten minutes before I told it, cos I was so goddamn nervous the whole time. I said hardly anything during the match itself, save for the odd expletive whenever I got killed. After that was over, we played a few more rounds for fun, but we eventually had to leave cos the janitor wanted to lock the place up. As I walked home, I didn't regret going or anything, but I was a little disappointed at myself.
And you know how I said I arrived half-an-hour late, and didn't think I'd missed anything important? Their event page said people should arrive early so they can meet and greet people. The 'meet-and-greet' part formally ended before I even got there. While that doesn't mean it was impossible to meet other people while I was there, the part they put aside specifically for that—the part where it would have been easy to meet people—was the one part I missed. God fucking damnit :P
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: introductions are a cunt of a thing for me. They are a peak to which I simply cannot ascend. What's bizzare is that everything after that point is so easy now! It's not a cakewalk, but it's way easier than it was before, that's for sure. Last year, I wrote about how I met a guy in a tutorial at uni at one of those 'talk to the person next to you' dealies that teachers like to spring on you in the first class of the semester. I usually dread these things, and this was no exception. But as soon as turned to my left, learned his name, told him mine, and shook his hand, the awkwardness was almost entirely gone. I could actually talk to him, and listen to him, and joke with him. A year or two ago, that wouldn't have happened, at least not so quickly. So I've clearly made progress on the social front. Problem is, there are still parts of it where I've made no progress.
Basically, if you presented the process of a friendship on a timeline, the beginning being introductions, and the end being its developed form, I've worked my way from the middle outwards. The stuff on the far-end (being really close to someone, having a best friend, etc.) has come along nicely, and the stuff towards the beginning (talking to people I've only just met, being around strangers, etc.) is also getting easier and easier. But the very beginning of the timeline—meeting people—is still uncharted. There's that small bit between not knowing someone at all, and having started talking to them, which I just can't grasp. It's not something I'm not good at; it's something I can't do it at all. I can't even picture myself doing it.
As hopeless as I may have felt at certain points during the evening, I'd still like to get involved with these guys, particularly on the organisation side of things. Part of me doesn't want to disturb them cos they already have a body of people organising stuff for consoles, but I have my own ideas I'd like to put forward. Like, I'd love to host a Mario Kart: Double Dash!! tourney sometime, purely because it's Mario Kart with co-op. My best friend and I play it together (I drive, she shoots), and it's hella fun. And I've watched tourneys online with teams of two competing against each other: shit gets hectic. I think it'd be interesting enough to gain traction, but not so different that it alienates people. And on top of all that, people will have to team up, so it'd be a good way to get people meeting other people, provided the teams were random. There are a few other games I think would be good to play in tourneys (Timesplitters, Mario Party, Tetris Party/NullpoMino), as well as some games that'd be good to try in any format cos they're just different (Nintendo Land, Boom Street, Fibbage). How bizzare: I suck at introducing people myself, but I can easily come up with ways for other people to meet each other :P
And I know it's strange to want to take the initiative required to organise things, while not having the initiative required to introduce myself to people (at least not without the held of a third party), but I can see myself organising this shit. I can imagine it. I've gone over explaining the rules for Double Dash!! heaps of times in my head just for the fun of it, to find the most efficient way to explain how it works. I can picture sitting beside a group playing Boom Street, explaining all the intricacies of the game. And the reason for that is because at that point, I'd have already been introduced to them. I'm not 100% sure how I can offer these ideas to them, seeing as I have no idea how their internal structure works, but I want to find a way, believe me. They also do games each week on Tuesday afternoons, which is fucking perfect cos I have a huge break on Tuesdays. Maybe then I'll find some more Mario Kart people :P
Also, if I had trouble meeting people at an event full of gamers, full of people like me, how hard will it be for me to meet people at events outside my comfort zone? That was one of the main reasons why I felt the way I did: cos I knew that if this was hard, anything more difficult than this would be fucking brutal. I can't picture myself meeting people at bars, clubs, parties, etc. either. Ironically, the one thing I can picture is meeting a girl, cos you can just look at one and tell if they reciprocate pretty much immediately by their reaction. I can picture myself looking at a girl dancing, having her smile or something, and walking up to her—even though it seems more dangerous, at least the process there is clear and makes sense. The process for all other introductions, however, is beyond me.
And that's what it is: it's a process. You intake the variables of the environment and the people, you process them, and you decide how to act. Sociable people and extroverts do this without even thinking about it, cos they've had a lot of practice. There is a process; I just don't know what it is. There is a socially acceptable way to do what I want to do here; I'm just not aware of it. Cos it's not like I'm sitting there wanting to isolate myself—I want to introduce myself to people, and I know it's not immoral or anything, but it never feels right. For the whole evening at the gaming meet-up, it just never felt appropriate to say anything. I hope I can find out why that is, cos I think that's key to making progress.
Monday, 16 March 2015
Tuesday, 10 March 2015
Blither-blather about gobbeldy gook
So, uni's back now. I have readings up the butt. Soooo many readings.
With regard to social possibilities, it's all over the place. On the plus side, the gaming society's having a meet-and-greet on the Wednesday after I perform (which I'll write about when the competition ends, at least for me :P). So that means I'll get to meet people and have something unique to talk about--pretty fuckin' good!
On the minus side, the other group I was considering, PhilSoc, only meet on Mondays, and the time they meet is during a tutorial I have. This tutorial is the most evil of all the tutorials I have ever enrolled in: it turned a 7 hour day with 5 hours of classes into a 7 hour day with 7 hours of classes in a fucking row. Fuck that shit. I've done 7-hour grinds before; by the end of it, you're barely able to process anything. I had to pick this tute because another subject I enrolled in was cancelled, and this was the only tute left because it was way past the time when tutes are organised. So along with making my Monday even more of a drainer than it already was, it's also prevented me from even being able to see what PhilSoc does. Thanks a lot, lone-wolf tutorial, you asshat.
But that may not be the only issue. Let's say for the sake of argument that there were no schedule conflicts, and that I could attend the meet-ups. This is what I originally thought, as I only discovered the correct dates for their activities moments ago. So what was the issue I faced before?
To explain that, I have to explain my studies. As far as I can tell, studying philosophy at uni can be split up into two sections: the content, and the process. The content is the arguments themselves and the philosophers they come from: what they argue for, their strengths, their weaknesses, their motives, the implications, etc. This is the stuff usually covered in lectures. The process is about how a student deals with arguments: deconstructing them, identifying and rectifying flaws, as well as making their own arguments and putting them forth in a discussion setting. This is what you deal with in tutes; it's also the reason why I don't like tutes. And seeing as PhilSoc meetings will have a similar discussion format (they seem to have a half-hour seminar followed by a half-hour discussion in smaller groups), it doesn't seem like the most appealing thing in the world.
I usually feel uncomfortable in philosophy tutes because I'm never sure of my own ideas, and thus live in constant fear of being asked to talk. It sounds weird coming from someone whose dream is to stand in front of hundreds of people only so he can spout his ideas at them, but the reasoning behind each activity is different. In comedy, I'm dealing with issues for laughs; accuracy can be important, but isn't the be all and end all. So long as you're funny, you're usually fine. In philosophy, being convincing is all that matters. Just cos I can make people laugh doesn't mean I can change their minds, nor does it mean I'm right about anything; it just means I can be funny. When I'm in tutes, I prefer to just listen and absorb--and if such passivity were permissible, I'd be totally comfortable in tutes. But no: you're expected to talk. Of course, this is the only way the tutor can assess you in tutes, so the thoughts I'm having in my head, as relevant as they may be, can't be assessed (I do think of things; I just don't say them). That's my fault, though, not the tutor's, so I don't care much.
So if I don't like tutes, why would I like PhilSoc seminars, given the discussion element? Well, for one thing, they're optional. Tutes, on the other hand, are mandatory. I'm not 100% sure if you can simply listen in during the talks rather than contributing, but it seems to be that if you make the effort to show up, people would expect you to talk anyway, cos choosing to attend implies a strong interest in the subject, and thus a strong inclination to participate. And I'm usually more inclined to do things when I don't have a metaphorical gun to the back of my head, which might help. Also, the group is aimed at students who don't necessarily study philosophy, so high-level skills aren't expected, and the topics also seem simpler and more general than those tackled in my classes. That may facilitate my talking in that it takes less time for me to do the analysis required to come up with something worth saying. But that's a maybe.
All in all, I'm not too disappointed that I can't go. I would go if I could, particularly cos the topics sound really interesting and appealing. Most of the topics I see in my subject outlines produce indifference on my part, with the occasional 'oh god, that's gonna be hard as fuck'; but these topics sound intriguing, like "What Makes a Good Philosopher"... well, what does? I don't know! And I'd like to know. I also can't really know the format of the meetings until I actually go; it may be nothing like my classes at all, so I must reserve judgement. Perhaps I'll go next semester! But I at least have the gaming stuff, which, while safer, is better than nothing.
Gotta go practice stand-up now; the RAW semi-finals are imminent. Toodles :)
With regard to social possibilities, it's all over the place. On the plus side, the gaming society's having a meet-and-greet on the Wednesday after I perform (which I'll write about when the competition ends, at least for me :P). So that means I'll get to meet people and have something unique to talk about--pretty fuckin' good!
On the minus side, the other group I was considering, PhilSoc, only meet on Mondays, and the time they meet is during a tutorial I have. This tutorial is the most evil of all the tutorials I have ever enrolled in: it turned a 7 hour day with 5 hours of classes into a 7 hour day with 7 hours of classes in a fucking row. Fuck that shit. I've done 7-hour grinds before; by the end of it, you're barely able to process anything. I had to pick this tute because another subject I enrolled in was cancelled, and this was the only tute left because it was way past the time when tutes are organised. So along with making my Monday even more of a drainer than it already was, it's also prevented me from even being able to see what PhilSoc does. Thanks a lot, lone-wolf tutorial, you asshat.
But that may not be the only issue. Let's say for the sake of argument that there were no schedule conflicts, and that I could attend the meet-ups. This is what I originally thought, as I only discovered the correct dates for their activities moments ago. So what was the issue I faced before?
To explain that, I have to explain my studies. As far as I can tell, studying philosophy at uni can be split up into two sections: the content, and the process. The content is the arguments themselves and the philosophers they come from: what they argue for, their strengths, their weaknesses, their motives, the implications, etc. This is the stuff usually covered in lectures. The process is about how a student deals with arguments: deconstructing them, identifying and rectifying flaws, as well as making their own arguments and putting them forth in a discussion setting. This is what you deal with in tutes; it's also the reason why I don't like tutes. And seeing as PhilSoc meetings will have a similar discussion format (they seem to have a half-hour seminar followed by a half-hour discussion in smaller groups), it doesn't seem like the most appealing thing in the world.
I usually feel uncomfortable in philosophy tutes because I'm never sure of my own ideas, and thus live in constant fear of being asked to talk. It sounds weird coming from someone whose dream is to stand in front of hundreds of people only so he can spout his ideas at them, but the reasoning behind each activity is different. In comedy, I'm dealing with issues for laughs; accuracy can be important, but isn't the be all and end all. So long as you're funny, you're usually fine. In philosophy, being convincing is all that matters. Just cos I can make people laugh doesn't mean I can change their minds, nor does it mean I'm right about anything; it just means I can be funny. When I'm in tutes, I prefer to just listen and absorb--and if such passivity were permissible, I'd be totally comfortable in tutes. But no: you're expected to talk. Of course, this is the only way the tutor can assess you in tutes, so the thoughts I'm having in my head, as relevant as they may be, can't be assessed (I do think of things; I just don't say them). That's my fault, though, not the tutor's, so I don't care much.
So if I don't like tutes, why would I like PhilSoc seminars, given the discussion element? Well, for one thing, they're optional. Tutes, on the other hand, are mandatory. I'm not 100% sure if you can simply listen in during the talks rather than contributing, but it seems to be that if you make the effort to show up, people would expect you to talk anyway, cos choosing to attend implies a strong interest in the subject, and thus a strong inclination to participate. And I'm usually more inclined to do things when I don't have a metaphorical gun to the back of my head, which might help. Also, the group is aimed at students who don't necessarily study philosophy, so high-level skills aren't expected, and the topics also seem simpler and more general than those tackled in my classes. That may facilitate my talking in that it takes less time for me to do the analysis required to come up with something worth saying. But that's a maybe.
All in all, I'm not too disappointed that I can't go. I would go if I could, particularly cos the topics sound really interesting and appealing. Most of the topics I see in my subject outlines produce indifference on my part, with the occasional 'oh god, that's gonna be hard as fuck'; but these topics sound intriguing, like "What Makes a Good Philosopher"... well, what does? I don't know! And I'd like to know. I also can't really know the format of the meetings until I actually go; it may be nothing like my classes at all, so I must reserve judgement. Perhaps I'll go next semester! But I at least have the gaming stuff, which, while safer, is better than nothing.
Gotta go practice stand-up now; the RAW semi-finals are imminent. Toodles :)
Sunday, 1 March 2015
Anxiety: Inverse
First off, something totally unrelated to what I'm gonna talk about below. In the previous entry, I mentioned an ever-increasing desire to hook up with a girl, because I wanted to experience what it felt like (as opposed to because I wanna sleep around regularly; I might hook up once and not do it again cos the curiosity's gone, you never know). I spoke about it as if my immediate desire to hook up had superceded my long-term desire to have a steady relationship—and it had, to be honest—but not long after I published that entry, I had a small internal dialogue:
...dude, what about cuddling?
Cuddling? Yeah, what about it?
Isn't it that thing you go on and on about every single fucking time you talk about going out with a girl? You mention it all the time——
Oh yeah! Cuddling! Holy shit, how could I forget that?
I know, right! And hand-holding?
Yyeeaahh, hand-holding! Man, that takes me back.
And that thing where you're dancing, looking each other in the eyes, and your arms go around her waist, and hers go around your neck, and you start kissing each other?
...isn't that something you only see in movies?
Well maybe, but it's still cute as fuck, right?
Oh yeah yeah, it's awesome. Seriously, what made me forget all this shit?
Your dick.
I basically forgot how much I enjoyed the physical side to my former relationship, and how much I'm looking forward to expanding on that the next time I'm dating. Hook-up sex appeals to me cos its spontaneous, it's quick and dirty, really 'in-the-moment', and that's definitely still enticing to me. But if I'm dating a girl, one I have feelings for (otherwise, why would I be dating her?), I'll want to be romantically intimate with her infinitely more than I'll want to be sexually intimate with any other woman.
Whether I first have sex via a one-night-stand or via dating, I still get mostly the same base experience: impressing girl, seeing naked girl, touching naked girl, having naked girl touch me, and having us sexually satisfy each other The only difference is the contexts in which these experiences occur. I think the hook-up context is sexier cos it's more of an "I wanna fuck you right now" rather than "yeah, eventually making love to you would be really sweet". It'd also feel more dangerous and thrilling cos I'd be fucking a stranger rather than a girl I'd been seeing for a while, and I'd feel more triumphant in convincing a girl to sleep with me cos I have less faith in my sex appeal & flirting ability than I do in my personality and conversational skills. But making love, being an expression of heartfelt desire rather than mere lust, will feel probably feel just as intense in its own way (and, with any luck, I'll get to do it over and over again rather than just once :P)
I don't know why it took me this many paragraphs to say "it really doesn't matter inside whom my dick goes first, so long as the girl in question wants it inside her", but there you have it :P It'll be fun and exciting either way, and I'll probably get to experience both during my lifetime, content with whichever one comes my way as it does. Hopefully this subject can now come up less often in blogs, cos I talk about it a llloooottt and it's probably boring to most people reading :P
It's also relevant to me right now for a reason I'm not gonna bring up yet—and trust me, it's not what you think it is ;)
So, onto the main entry. I've had to deal with a little bit of anxiety lately, just little patches of it here and there. Anxiety about social things is a background issue for me, I guess. It used to be a foreground issue, because would directly stop me from taking risks and making social progress. Now it's more of a side-effect of actually taking said risks: after doing so, I can sometimes panic about what people's reactions will be, or if they'll react at all. I suppose it's because if I consider a possible outcome for an action, I usually follow it as far down the logical path as I can. And it's not like all the possible outcomes are good; they can be good, but they're usually bad. It's not such an issue that I think I need professional help or medication or anything, but it's definitely a thing I deal with from time to time.
Like a few days ago, I sent out invites for a meet-up in town to about six people. By the end of the day, I'd only got responses from two people, one of whom was the one who gave me the idea to set the event up in the first place. Simultaneously, I know that everyone's seen the invite, cos it says so right at the bottom of the message box. That kind of shit messes with my head, cos it leaves me wondering if I've pissed people off by sending the invites with too little notice, or if what I've suggested isn't fun or interesting.
I get that people may not immediately know if they can go, but I'm not wanting confirmation of availability so much as I'm wanting confirmation of interest. A simple " I'll let you know if I can go later on" would do wonders, fucking seriously. I don't wanna ask people for anymore than basic politeness, but to me, confirming interest is an act of politeness. It's a sentence, a mere sentence; it takes no more time to type that than it does to read the message. When people only respond the night before, the interim has me worried that people simply don't give a shit. And that's when the anxiety hits: when I come to the (false) conclusion that, no, what I've offered isn't really that enticing. Likewise, when people do respond, I get really happy and glad that I made the effort and organised what shall become a fun meet-up; that long-run reward is basically what's kept me doing this for as long as I have. But sometimes, that initial silence is more painful than seems reasonable.
Similarly, I left a comment on a friend's blog sometime ago—one of her relatives is going through a very tough time right now, which is hard on her too, so I figured I'd write something nice to try and cheer her up. I know full well I can't fix anything or comfort her for any extended period of time cos I'm too far removed from the situation (and it'd be rude to do so anyway cos it's none of my business), but I still wanted to at least try and make her feel a little better. I enjoy reading her replies when she gives them, cos we don't speak often and her perspective usually helps me evaluate my own, but I forgot to tick the little "notify" box which actually tells you when you get a reply (it really should be ticked by default imo). So I went back to check the post manually a few times, to see if she'd said anything. She hadn't, so I went on with whatever else I was doing. I checked again today for the hell of it (we've both previously delayed comments & replies for days at a time), and to my surprise, my comment was gone.
Comments don't disappear by themselves, not to my knowledge; and I'm 99.9% sure I wrote and posted this comment in real life, rather than posting in a dream (cos I totally dream about leaving comments on Blogger :P), or forgetting to click the 'post' button. So my first thought was "oh, it's been deleted". But why would she delete it? It's not like I said anything malicious or invasive. So then I'm left wondering if she thought it was insincere, like I wrote the comment with some ulterior motive, the comment being deleted so she didn't have to read my bullshit. It may also have been similar to some other comment I'd left previously (I vaguely remember commenting about her sick relative but honestly can't remember what I said). Now we're entering Conspiracy-Theory Land! What evidence is there of such deletion? None. Could've been an accident for all I know; it's happened before. And going through my emails, her responses to my comments are never vitriolic or hateful—they've pretty much always been nothing but kind and supportive—so it would be completely out of character for her to trash my comment in a blind rage.
I also worry about bringing this up here (or mentioning her, or other specific people, at all on this blog sometimes) and fear being seen as obsessive over something trivial, which may look suspicious. Basically, very fork in the chain of causation has the potential to lead to paranoia. It's really silly. I'm better at dealing with it now than I ever have been, because it's shorter lived than it previously was, and the types of anxiety attacks where I have to get out of my seat and walk around for an hour are so rare that I can't remember the last time it even happened.
Oddly, I don't get anxious about things that a lot of people do get anxious about. Public speaking would be the most obvious example—as nervous as I might be before I speak, once I'm up there, I'm fine. For most other people, though, it scares them shitless. And I totally understand why: who wants to fuck up in front of a group of people who are all paying attention to you at once? No one! People fear stumbling over words, speaking too quickly, appearing nervous, forgetting what to say, not getting laughs if they tell a joke. And those aren't stupid things to fear cos any one of those things can feel really embarrassing! I mean, does any audience really give a fuck if you have to start a sentence again? No, not really. But that doesn't mean you don't feel judged when you do so; it just means you're mistaken. And perhaps realising you're mistaken (or at least that you can be mistaken) is part of alleviating stage-fright, because you learn that, no, the first negative conclusion you jump to in your head about what the audience thinks of you isn't necessarily what they're actually thinking. It's still bad to forget lines or talk too quickly, but it's not the massive blunder people think it is; you just keep going. Maybe improvise a line if it's appropriate, but don't dwell on it. The audience basically cares as much as you let them care, so give them something else to think about: your next sentence.
I guess I wanna transfer that mindset to my everyday life more consistently: acknowledging mistakes, but also recognising when I make automated deductions based on fear rather than evidence, particularly when the evidence directly contradicts the theory put forth by fear. I dunno how common this is, so I've no clue if people can relate to my specific anxiety 'triggers' (for lack of a better word), but I'm sure people can relate to anxiety in general cos I don't think anyone's 100% immune to it.
...dude, what about cuddling?
Cuddling? Yeah, what about it?
Isn't it that thing you go on and on about every single fucking time you talk about going out with a girl? You mention it all the time——
Oh yeah! Cuddling! Holy shit, how could I forget that?
I know, right! And hand-holding?
Yyeeaahh, hand-holding! Man, that takes me back.
And that thing where you're dancing, looking each other in the eyes, and your arms go around her waist, and hers go around your neck, and you start kissing each other?
...isn't that something you only see in movies?
Well maybe, but it's still cute as fuck, right?
Oh yeah yeah, it's awesome. Seriously, what made me forget all this shit?
Your dick.
I basically forgot how much I enjoyed the physical side to my former relationship, and how much I'm looking forward to expanding on that the next time I'm dating. Hook-up sex appeals to me cos its spontaneous, it's quick and dirty, really 'in-the-moment', and that's definitely still enticing to me. But if I'm dating a girl, one I have feelings for (otherwise, why would I be dating her?), I'll want to be romantically intimate with her infinitely more than I'll want to be sexually intimate with any other woman.
Whether I first have sex via a one-night-stand or via dating, I still get mostly the same base experience: impressing girl, seeing naked girl, touching naked girl, having naked girl touch me, and having us sexually satisfy each other The only difference is the contexts in which these experiences occur. I think the hook-up context is sexier cos it's more of an "I wanna fuck you right now" rather than "yeah, eventually making love to you would be really sweet". It'd also feel more dangerous and thrilling cos I'd be fucking a stranger rather than a girl I'd been seeing for a while, and I'd feel more triumphant in convincing a girl to sleep with me cos I have less faith in my sex appeal & flirting ability than I do in my personality and conversational skills. But making love, being an expression of heartfelt desire rather than mere lust, will feel probably feel just as intense in its own way (and, with any luck, I'll get to do it over and over again rather than just once :P)
I don't know why it took me this many paragraphs to say "it really doesn't matter inside whom my dick goes first, so long as the girl in question wants it inside her", but there you have it :P It'll be fun and exciting either way, and I'll probably get to experience both during my lifetime, content with whichever one comes my way as it does. Hopefully this subject can now come up less often in blogs, cos I talk about it a llloooottt and it's probably boring to most people reading :P
It's also relevant to me right now for a reason I'm not gonna bring up yet—and trust me, it's not what you think it is ;)
So, onto the main entry. I've had to deal with a little bit of anxiety lately, just little patches of it here and there. Anxiety about social things is a background issue for me, I guess. It used to be a foreground issue, because would directly stop me from taking risks and making social progress. Now it's more of a side-effect of actually taking said risks: after doing so, I can sometimes panic about what people's reactions will be, or if they'll react at all. I suppose it's because if I consider a possible outcome for an action, I usually follow it as far down the logical path as I can. And it's not like all the possible outcomes are good; they can be good, but they're usually bad. It's not such an issue that I think I need professional help or medication or anything, but it's definitely a thing I deal with from time to time.
Like a few days ago, I sent out invites for a meet-up in town to about six people. By the end of the day, I'd only got responses from two people, one of whom was the one who gave me the idea to set the event up in the first place. Simultaneously, I know that everyone's seen the invite, cos it says so right at the bottom of the message box. That kind of shit messes with my head, cos it leaves me wondering if I've pissed people off by sending the invites with too little notice, or if what I've suggested isn't fun or interesting.
I get that people may not immediately know if they can go, but I'm not wanting confirmation of availability so much as I'm wanting confirmation of interest. A simple " I'll let you know if I can go later on" would do wonders, fucking seriously. I don't wanna ask people for anymore than basic politeness, but to me, confirming interest is an act of politeness. It's a sentence, a mere sentence; it takes no more time to type that than it does to read the message. When people only respond the night before, the interim has me worried that people simply don't give a shit. And that's when the anxiety hits: when I come to the (false) conclusion that, no, what I've offered isn't really that enticing. Likewise, when people do respond, I get really happy and glad that I made the effort and organised what shall become a fun meet-up; that long-run reward is basically what's kept me doing this for as long as I have. But sometimes, that initial silence is more painful than seems reasonable.
Similarly, I left a comment on a friend's blog sometime ago—one of her relatives is going through a very tough time right now, which is hard on her too, so I figured I'd write something nice to try and cheer her up. I know full well I can't fix anything or comfort her for any extended period of time cos I'm too far removed from the situation (and it'd be rude to do so anyway cos it's none of my business), but I still wanted to at least try and make her feel a little better. I enjoy reading her replies when she gives them, cos we don't speak often and her perspective usually helps me evaluate my own, but I forgot to tick the little "notify" box which actually tells you when you get a reply (it really should be ticked by default imo). So I went back to check the post manually a few times, to see if she'd said anything. She hadn't, so I went on with whatever else I was doing. I checked again today for the hell of it (we've both previously delayed comments & replies for days at a time), and to my surprise, my comment was gone.
Comments don't disappear by themselves, not to my knowledge; and I'm 99.9% sure I wrote and posted this comment in real life, rather than posting in a dream (cos I totally dream about leaving comments on Blogger :P), or forgetting to click the 'post' button. So my first thought was "oh, it's been deleted". But why would she delete it? It's not like I said anything malicious or invasive. So then I'm left wondering if she thought it was insincere, like I wrote the comment with some ulterior motive, the comment being deleted so she didn't have to read my bullshit. It may also have been similar to some other comment I'd left previously (I vaguely remember commenting about her sick relative but honestly can't remember what I said). Now we're entering Conspiracy-Theory Land! What evidence is there of such deletion? None. Could've been an accident for all I know; it's happened before. And going through my emails, her responses to my comments are never vitriolic or hateful—they've pretty much always been nothing but kind and supportive—so it would be completely out of character for her to trash my comment in a blind rage.
I also worry about bringing this up here (or mentioning her, or other specific people, at all on this blog sometimes) and fear being seen as obsessive over something trivial, which may look suspicious. Basically, very fork in the chain of causation has the potential to lead to paranoia. It's really silly. I'm better at dealing with it now than I ever have been, because it's shorter lived than it previously was, and the types of anxiety attacks where I have to get out of my seat and walk around for an hour are so rare that I can't remember the last time it even happened.
Oddly, I don't get anxious about things that a lot of people do get anxious about. Public speaking would be the most obvious example—as nervous as I might be before I speak, once I'm up there, I'm fine. For most other people, though, it scares them shitless. And I totally understand why: who wants to fuck up in front of a group of people who are all paying attention to you at once? No one! People fear stumbling over words, speaking too quickly, appearing nervous, forgetting what to say, not getting laughs if they tell a joke. And those aren't stupid things to fear cos any one of those things can feel really embarrassing! I mean, does any audience really give a fuck if you have to start a sentence again? No, not really. But that doesn't mean you don't feel judged when you do so; it just means you're mistaken. And perhaps realising you're mistaken (or at least that you can be mistaken) is part of alleviating stage-fright, because you learn that, no, the first negative conclusion you jump to in your head about what the audience thinks of you isn't necessarily what they're actually thinking. It's still bad to forget lines or talk too quickly, but it's not the massive blunder people think it is; you just keep going. Maybe improvise a line if it's appropriate, but don't dwell on it. The audience basically cares as much as you let them care, so give them something else to think about: your next sentence.
I guess I wanna transfer that mindset to my everyday life more consistently: acknowledging mistakes, but also recognising when I make automated deductions based on fear rather than evidence, particularly when the evidence directly contradicts the theory put forth by fear. I dunno how common this is, so I've no clue if people can relate to my specific anxiety 'triggers' (for lack of a better word), but I'm sure people can relate to anxiety in general cos I don't think anyone's 100% immune to it.
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