Assumptions: Making an Ass out of Me (Just Me)

A couple of days ago, I was chatting with a friend of mine, and we somehow started talking about how I perceive my body, more specifically how I usually view my physical self in a negative light:

...no woman is going to come up to me of their own accord because they find me sexy. I am not sexy :P I mean, first off, there's the whole "I look like a skeleton" thing, then there's the whole "I look younger than I am, and women are attracted to older guys" thing, so I have nothing to work with here. I don't know where girls put me on that [x]/10 scale, but it's nothing I'd be glad to hear, let me tell you. I've never been told I was cute, handsome, attractive, sexy, hot, someone they'd like to get with, someone who turns them on, someone they wouldn't mind waking up next to in the morning—nothing of the sort. It has never happened ... so I need to find some other way to entice girls, or at least appeal to them.

Sex: Let's Get Serious for a Moment...', published 31st October 2012

To add to that, I have always assumed that the only girl who has ever been attracted to me in any way, shape, or form is my ex. After my attitude towards my body had been discussed, my friend told me that, contrary to what I assumed, there actually had been girls in my year that liked me, simply never telling me. This blew my mind, because it's like "See? You're not some sub-human, buck-toothed, fussy-eating skeletor; some girls actually like you! Now we just need to... identify them... next time... we'll work on that >.>"

Now, to be perfectly honest, I actually suspected there was a friend of mine who had a crush on me about a year back, and it looks like this has confimed it. I always thought I was looking at her actions in a biased light to validate myself, thinking it couldn't possibly be true, but it looks like it is. My friend won't identify this person, but given my limited scope of female friends, it's not hard to narrow it down. Of the five girls I've maintained any level of contact with over the past year, two of them are taken, one of them isn't interested in me, and one of them is my ex—you do the math :P In addition to that, this girl acted kinda strange towards me in the final few months of last year, hugging me, like, 3 times at a meet-up one time, as well as talking to me unprovoked over Facebook which she didn't do before... which is exactly the same thing I did to a girl I liked not long before :P I don't think it would have worked though, and my friend agrees. I mean, if she'd asked me out, I would have been flattered, and said "Sure, why not?", but I wouldn't have expected it to go anywhere, only going to be polite and just on the off chance something might happen.

Thing is, she said girlS, so that means there was more than one. I don't know who they would be, nor how many more there are. One of the girls I'm friends with has told me she had a 'soft spot' for me before she met her current boyfriend, but I don't really know what that means, nor do I know if she told the friend I had this conversation with. My friend also said none of these girls were 'my type', not just the most recent one. This leaves me with three questions (all of which I want answered by this person, though I'm certain she'll leave me in the dark :P).

1: Who are they?

Obviously, I want to know who these girls are. I don't even need names; what did they look like? What were they interested in? What were their personalities like?

Which leads me to my second question...

2: What exactly is 'my type'?

Since when the fuck did I have a 'type'? I'm not insulted or anything, just confused. I've only had three or four true crushes, and one girlfriend—how can you dictate my type from that? The girls I've liked have had a few consistencies, but they're also very different, so what data is she using to make this assumption? I can't identify many staples a woman needs to have in order for me to be attracted to her, so I don't know where she's getting this from.

And, my third question...

3: How were they attracted to me?

What did they see in me? Was it purely physical, or did they like some part of who I was? Was this a small-time attraction, or an emotional investment? I guess it also begs the question 'When in my life was this?', seeing as I've changed here and there over the years, but regardless, what part of me drew them to me? Was there sexual attraction? Holy shit, the thought of someone actually wanting to fuck me... man... that's gonna take a while to sink in and find its place in my head :P Christ, some girl somewhere could have actually masturbated to the thought of me... >.>

I'm obviously looking too far into this, and none of this matters because none of these girls are attracted to me anymore (nor are they my type, whatever that is :P), but it's still interesting to wonder. It doesn't change the fact that I don't get out much, it doesn't change the fact I'm shit scared of talking to people I don't know, and it doesn't change the fact that I have no real way of meeting new people in the first place; but it does give me less reason to beat myself up over what I look like, and might lead to a little more confidence with teh womenz.

And would my friend please ANSWER AT LEAST SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS AND GIVE ME SOME CLOSURE DAMMIT I NEED ALL THE HELP I CAN GET >.<

...please? :)

Personality: No Disorder (Due to Its Nonexistence)

The last few weeks have been kinda sad for me. Ever since uni ended, I've been thinking a lot about my social standing, my friends, my connections, that kind of thing. Fuck my uni marks; this is more important :P

And it actually is more important, or at least it's becoming more important. All through high school, I didn't have much of a social life. I didn't know all the gossip, I wasn't invited to many birthday parties, and I had no attention from girls, but I had enough to get by, using my computer and video game consoles to fill in the blank, having no real desire to become more socially active. When I got a girlfriend, I loved it when we went out and did things together; I probably did more with her in those six months than I'd done with my school friends in the previous four-and-a-half years. When the relationship ended, it was back to the drawing board, and I made things a lot worse for myself when I left my friend group all together due to my discomfort around my ex, more-or-less excluding myself from the group's affairs altogether by hanging out in the library.

This refuge, however, wasn't as solitary as one might imagine. Another friend of mine hung out in the library rather frequently, and we often sat together and talked about things, becoming real close friends by the end of the year. People would also come up to the library during free periods as they always had, and I would occasionally go down and visit the group if I felt like it, so I wasn't completely cut off. I still managed to talk to people, I still managed to crack jokes—I still managed to be myself. My schoolies trip was probably the last large gathering I went to.

My social life after that has been borderline non-existent. The friend I mentioned earlier as being my library companion is still a good friend of mine, and we continue to talk on MSN to this day—she is the friend I speak to most often, by a mile. I feel like I talk to her too much, though, like I'm disturbing her. I've started preventing myself from instigating conversations with her if I talked to her the day before, trying to limit myself in case I'm pissing her off. I don't know if I am, because even though I've asked her this before and she says I'm not, there have been quite a few instances of me saying 'Hi' and her simply not replying. I can't be sure if she's doing something or if she genuinely doesn't want to speak to me at those times, so I'm not risking being a burden anymore.

I've also been to one, and only one, 'party' party—not a birthday party or a LAN party, but a house party with alcohol, music, that kind of shit (even a birthday party of that description would count :P). It's also the only one I've ever been invited to. I've been invited to a club twice, but declined due to my discomfort surrounding the idea; though I'm now willing to go, no further invites have come my way (I'd also need ID to get in, which I haven't bothered to get yet :P). Recently, I have been invited to two things by my friend group, which is good, but I still do almost nothing with other people, and am not invited anywhere where I can meet new people. I want to get out more, but things aren't coming my way; and while I don't expect to be spoonfed, opportunities are so infrequent that progress is almost impossible to make.

As for communication, there is only one person who really instigates conversations with me of his own volition; if I want to talk to anyone else, I have to start the conversation myself. That's something that kinda gets me down—it's as if no one wants to talk to me, as if I'm not worth speaking to in the first place. And the reasoning behind that is rather simple: I'm don't think I'm that interesting when I do talk to people, and I don't have that much to say to people. I often feel kinda pressured in conversations with people (more recently, even with people I once felt very comfortable talking to), simply because I can't relate to what they're saying or I can't think of an appropriate response. It's not like things are running through my head and I'm going 'Nah, don't say that, that's dumb'; I mean I can't think of a single thing to say back. When people talk about social issues, politics, religion, stuff like that, I'm usually the opposite, able to get into the discussion rather easily; but when it's personal things, pop culture, social lives, I'm fucking blank. Sometimes, I simply don't give a shit; and other times, I want to respond but simply can't, trying to find a personal point of reference but never succeeding.

Like, a couple of days ago, I was hanging around with some friends in a park. One of them had her phone out, playing music from some TV show or movie or something, and the others were singing along to it. Meanwhile, I'm standing there like a jackass, unable to do anything. I can't get in on it and I don't want to, so I'm bored shitless. But I'm not gonna go "Hey, I'm fuckin' bored, let's do something else", cos they're having fun, and I'm not gonna intrude on their fun for my own sake. I just have to stand there as the minority and bear with it. I find it ridiculous that these are supposed to be my friends, yet I seem to have nothing in common with them at times. I know I do have things in common with them, but more often than not, they talk about things that don't involve me at all. It's was as if I had no personality with which to decide how to act or construct a response to their words and actions.

About a month earlier, I was with the exact same group of people. The first half was kinda ho-hum, talking about personal stuff, me kinda responding but still rather silent. As soon as they started talking about gay marriage and religion, I was vocal as all fuck, cos this is stuff I know about—this is the crap I'd be reading up on at home if I wasn't here with these people.

To my way of thinking, it's a multi-part infinite loop:

1. I don't get out much, so I don't experience interesting things.
2. Therefore, I don't have much to talk about.
3. Therefore, I don't introduce myself to people, thinking I'm not good enough.
4. Therefore, I don't get invited places, meaning I don't get out much.

Round and fuckin' round it goes :P

Now, to my way of thinking, performing stand-up is a good way out of this. People (namely the audience) typically think it's interesting (I don't, but I immerse myself in it :P), and when I feel sad or depressed, comedy never fails to lift me back up, so it's an evidently reliable way to get me into a positive mindset where I am more inclined to speak to people I wouldn't otherwise speak to. It's just... organising the performance that's hard :P

What sucks most about this is that I see pictures of people on Facebook enjoying rich social lives, having the guts to go to new places, using their talents to make connections and enjoy themselves, meeting new people all the fucking time, and wondering how in the hell any of that comes to them. The answer's obvious: they did shit in the past that got them the connections and built them the courage, and I didn't. But how does one acquire that stuff now? Is it even possible? I look at how other people are so much more socially active than I am and come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me, such that A: people choose not to associate with me, and B: I choose not to associate with others. I feel socially and emotionally immature, even sub-human sometimes, wondering how I could possibly be so unevolved around such strong people. Others speak of things like fear and lack of motivation, but they have no clue what that actually means, not relative to the extent I do; in the same sense, I don't know how the social world works to the extent that they do.

I guess I want to be included, but don't feel up to it. I want to have more friends and go places with them a lot more often, but I don't see a way to get there, not just yet anyway. I want to have another relationship and be intimate with a girl, physically, emotionally, sexually, all of it; but if I see nothing in myself, they won't either, and if I don't speak to them, they won't speak to me. I wonder if I'm even capable of that strong a connection with someone anymore. I picture myself at parties, talking to girls, hitting it off with them, sometimes culminating in fornication, other times just ending with us talking the night away and waking up next to each other wondering where all the time went. I'm so cut off that I can't even find a girl to be attracted to, let alone to be pursued.

It just seems like I'm so many steps behind everyone else that I'll never catch up, forever in their shadow and never able to experience life on the same level that they do. Part of it's the whole negative outlook I can have, and I'm well aware that my perspective can shift radically when I'm in a positive mindset; but this has been on my mind perpetually, no matter how happy or sad I am at the time, so I evidently want this fixed. I want to revel in my dreams knowing they're at least possible, knowing they can be goals and not just wayward desires.

Questions: The Illusion of Productivity

I've seen these things a lot, and I've always thought them to be a bit tacky, often presenting the responder with a lot of false dichotomies, empty provocations, and absurd scenarios. But fuck it, let's answer some meaningless questions :D

I also took the liberty of fixing any grammatical errors I found in the questions, some questions being inherently incorrect, some being somewhat inappropriate given my current situation. Sieg heil!

1. Who was the last person you texted?

My mum.

2. When is your birthday?

20th August 1993

3. Who do you want to be with right now?

Someone who wants to be with me.

4. What sports do you play?

Closest thing I get to sport is playing pool with friends, and even then, it's pretty rare.

5. Who is the first person in your contacts?

Lucy.

6. What is your favourite song as of the moment?

Terrorist (Dom & Roland Remix) by Renegade. Awesome DnB tune ^_^

7. If you were stranded on an island, who do would you wish to be with?

Someone who could build us a plane to get us the fuck off the island.

8. What How do you feel right now?

I feel a little doubtful in myself, and I also feel uneasy about my future.

9. What Which chocolate is your favourite?

Dark chocolate. Like, that 85% cocoa chocolate. Can't beat that stuff :D

10. How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have have you had?

One.

11. Why did you create a Tumblr account?

...now you know where I found the questions... >.>

12. Who is your favourite blogger?

Not that I read many blogs or watch many vloggers, but I'd say MrRepzion is my favourite at the moment. One of those guys where you don't agree with everything they say, but still admire the fact that they're intelligent.

13. Where do you want to be right now?

In front of an audience.

14. What do you want to be in the future?

Stand-up comic; perhaps a writer in other areas as well.

15. When was the last time you cried? Why?

Can't remember exactly when it was, but I'm certain it would have been the result of me belittling myself in my head, thinking my future will be devoid of all positiveness, that I'll never find love, never meet anyone new, never find success, that nonsense.

16. Are you happy?

I'm about as far from happy as I am from sad.

17. Who do you miss?

My ex—just that part of her that liked me.

18. If you were given a the chance, would you like to have a different life?

Not sure. I mean, I'd definitely like to change my eating habits and a few other things at the tip of a hat, but then I'd be a totally different person, wouldn't I? I don't think I'd like to give up my experiences; even though I'm unhappy with a lot of things in my life, I'm not sure I'd be comfortable leaving this reality and entering another just to escape it all.

19. What was the best thing you were you've been given?

A relationship that made me feel truly accepted and loved.

20. Who was the last person who called you?

Garvinh, asking me where I was when we had a group meet up. People almost never call me, silly question list :P

21. What is your favourite dish?

Satellite.

22. Who is your bestfriend best friend?

Don't really have one. Kinda wish I did have at least one friend who I could call my best friend while they called me their best friend, but I've never really had that.

23. What is your biggest regret?

Publishing blog entries graphically describing how I wanted to fuck certain girls in my year. Derp :P

24. Have you ever cheated Did you ever cheat on your partner?

Nope, never even thought of it.

25. Who do you spend crazy moments with?

Myself.

26. Name someone pretty.

Lucy.

27. Who was the last person you hugged?

My mum.

28. What kind of music do you listen to?

I listen to all kinds of stuff, but I mainly listen do DnB, Techno/Electronica, and video game soundtracks.

29. Are you over your past?

Nope.

30. Who is the last person in your contacts?

Austin.

31. What kind of person do you want to date?

Someone who's intelligent, heartfelt, and happy to be with me. Preferably female :P

32. Do you have trouble sleeping at night?

Yes. Sleeping during the day, however...

33. From whom was the last text message you received?

Bri.

34. What do you prefer: jeans or skirt?

And now we know the gender of the question list's author :P

On me? Answer's obvious. On girls? Skirts.

35. How’s your heart?

Cynical—seems to be going through an existential crisis.

36. Did you ever have Have you ever had a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a "J"?

Nope. Haven't even been attracted to someone whose name starts with "J".

37. Do you like someone as of at the moment?

Nope. Wish I did, though; nothing brings the mood up more for me, makes me very smiley :)

38. What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend?

Would depend on who was around at the time.

39. Do you have any phobias?

Yes :P

39a: What are your phobias?

Change, being hurt (not just physically), falling short of my own goals, the possibility of never experiencing certain things.

40. Did you try to change for a person?

I've done that before, yeah. I've changed my mannerisms to try and come across as less brash and more sophisticated and enlightened than I really am for a girl I liked.

41. What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone?

Not sure—not exactly someone who believes he gives people anything. I guess it'd be giving people my time or advice, even though it's not something I do often.

42. Would you go back to your previous relationship?

If she wanted to, definitely.

43. Are you in a good or bad mood?

Somewhere in the middle.

44. Name someone you can’t live without.

My mother.

45. Describe your dream date.

Outside, under the stars. Lots of absurd conversation and laughter. Lots of Nintendo. Lots of sex.

46. Describe your dream wedding.

See above.

47. How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?

Zero, just like all the previous ones.

48. Have you ever been kissed?

Yup :) 

49. How long is was your longest relationship?

Six months.

50. Do you regret your past?

Some aspects, yes.

51. Can Would you do something stupid for someone else?

Depends entirely on the stupid something I'm doing and the someone else I'm doing it for.

52. Have you ever cried over someone?

Yes.

53. Do you have a grudge against anyone?

Yes, but they're all long dead.

54. Are you a crybaby?

If you mean someone who cries over nothing, no. If you just mean someone who's easily upset, yes.

55. Do people praise you for your looks?

xD no.

56. Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t?

Yup.

57. Have you ever done something bad but that you don’t regret?

Well, it depends on what you mean by 'bad'. If you mean 'bad' as in 'bad decision', then no—I retain my affirmation that the actions in question were foolish :P  But if you mean 'bad' as in 'against the rules', then yes, I've done a few rebellious things I felt justified in doing, namely making fun of that fence around my school.

58. Do you like getting hurt?

There's a part of me that likes the tension in my heart when I feel sad. Somewhat masochistic, but it's definitely there. Other than that, though, I don't like being hurt.

59. Does anyone hate you?

I don't think so. Would be good to know if someone did, though, if only for the chance to identify aspects of myself I could improve, on the off chance this hate was reasoned.

60. Did you slap Have you ever slapped anyone whose name starts with an “R”?

I have this thing where I don't slap people. Like, ever. It's pretty cool. You should get in on it :)

61. What hair colour do you prefer?

Red/orange. I have no clue what it is about redheads, but holy shit, they turn me on :D

62. If you can could change anything about yourself, what is it?

I'd ditch the precautionary attitude I have, at least to the extent where I wasn't so scared of everything.

63. Do you love someone as of at the moment?

Not romantically, no. 

64. Have you ever thought of killing yourself?

I've thought about the consequences of my actions if I did, but I've never thought to myself "Hey, you know what'd be a good idea? An extra orifice on each side of my head!"

65. Do you have issues with somebody in your school university?

Nope.

66. Can Could you live without internet?

I died inside just reading that. The fuck is wrong with you, list? Seriously >.<

Joking aside, I'd say I could. I'd probably frequent the library, go outside more... it actually sounds like a good thing in some ways, lol.

67. What’s the song that remind[s] you of your special someone?

Not that I have a special someone, but 'Numb' by The Airborne Toxic Event reminds me of my ex.

68. Are you good at holding back your tears?

Not really.

69. Are you a crybaby?

If you mean someone who... hey, wait a minute, this is just Question 54 all over again! I can understand repeating a question in a list this long, but not when this one only came up fifteen questions ago. Proofread, goddamnit >.<

70. Have you ever experienced being hysterical?

I've never been hysterical, not really.

71. Are you a KPOP fan?

Nope.

72. Do you study hard?

I understand hard, I can define hard, and I can examine hard, but I should study hard a lot more.

Of course not :P

73. Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?

No, never really had to. 

74. Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight?

No... but now I want one, dammit >.< 

75. Have you ever ridden a boat?

Yes, twice. I've also thrown up on a boat. Twice. Fuck boats.

76. Did you have an accident last year?

Did I make mistakes I didn't see coming? Yes. Did I piss myself or shit my pants? ... >.>

77. What kind of person are you?

Arrogant, somewhat knowledgeable, cynical, sceptical, fearful.

78. Have you ever thought of killing someone?

Certain people in high school, yes (though no one I associated myself with, lol).

79. Have you ever been jealous?

All the fucking time.

80. How can you prove your love to someone?

Sacrifice.

81. What are you thinking right now?

Sex.

82. Who is the 6th person in your contacts?

Some guy I went to high school with, haven't spoken to him since, lol.

83. Do you have any memories you want to erase?

Not really—I have memories I'm not fond of, but I usually end up learning things from events like that.

84. Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?

Yeah, but I usually end up finding words to explain later down the track.

85. Did you ever badmouth someone?

Yeah, a few people.

86. Have you ever had an argument with someone?

...how the fuck do you get this far in life and not have an argument at some point :P

87. Do you have trust issues?

I don't really trust anyone. If you think that's an issue, then yes.

88. Are you broken-hearted?

My heart's not quite broken, but he acts like it cos he's a little bitch.

89. Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions "love"?

Sally.

90. Do you think all the pain is worth it?

...worth it for what, exactly :P  If you mean "Is the pain of life worth it to experience life?", then for me, yes, but I can see how others could answer differently.

91. Do you believe in the phrase "If it’s meant to be, it will be"?

Kinda. I can see the arguments for determinism, but I don't believe there's divine intent or anything behind it, so I don't believe there's some divine figure making things happen that he/she/it thinks are 'meant' to happen.

92. Who do you want to marry?

How can this question cohabit the list with questions like "Have you ever been kissed?" :P  I don't want to marry anyone at the moment. If I meet someone I love to bits and want to be with forever, maybe start a family with, then hell yeah, bring on the rings; but until then, I don't fucking care about marriage or having children or any of that shit. For now, I'll stick to my plain old dream of 'get laid'.

93. Do you believe in destiny?

As I said, I can see the arguments for determinism, but still kinda believe we have a little free will. I guess I'm just a compatibilist.

94. Have you ever thought "I already found my soulmate"?

Not really. I loved my ex more than anything in the world, but there was always that small part of me that wondered what would happen if and when it ended, so I didn't buy into the whole "I found her!" thing all the way.

95. How do you look right now?

Awful, as per usual.

96. Do you believe that first true love never dies?

Yeah, I kinda do. I think of Sally from time to time; apart from when I was infatuated with/dating my ex, the thought was always in the back of my mind, coming up every now and again, as it still does.

97. Have you found your true love?

Satire doesn't count, does it?

98. What should you be doing right now?

Anything's more productive than this shit, lol.

99. Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends.

Rachel.

100. Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough?

Always. Fucking always

Well, there's mah list. Might do another list at some point—who knows? This was a cunt to format properly, so, if there is to be another list, it shall be a while before it arrives, lol.