Dates: The Point of No Hypothetical Return

Yesterday, I recorded some commentary for a gaming video I uploaded to YouTube. Towards the end, I talked about this girl I like at uni, mentioning how I was attracted to her but not in love with her or anything—I just like what little I see and know. I also said I was more just longing for a relationship in general, and that liking this girl was a driving force behind that.

Later that same day, I went to the supermarket. Upon reaching the row of checkouts after getting everything, I didn't really scan to see if there was an empty one; rather, I just assumed they were all in use, and went for the one with the old lady who only had a basket of groceries, thinking she'd be serviced the quickest . After putting the bags on the conveyor belt (more or less establishing that this was the till I'd be using), I looked to my right to see a till operated by a young girl, probably a little younger than me, and she wasn't servicing anybody, so I'm like "Ah crap, oh well" in recognising the lack of efficiency in my choice of till :P  Upon looking back at the girl again, I realised that I hadn't encountered her at the supermarket before this point in time; I assumed she was new. She was actually kinda cute. Now I'm thinking "Typical—you miss the most obvious opportunities, boy :P", but just continued unpacking stuff. Upon looking back a third time, she actually looked a little dejected. You're new to the job, you're available for service, but the customer picks another till anyway... yyyeeaaahhh :P  Granted, perhaps she looked like that the whole time and I only really noticed upon my third look at her, but it's not all that improbable that I kinda made her feel bad by accident :P

It's not like I feel guilty or super-regretful about it, but I really wish I could go back and change that, make it so I went to her till instead—not for her sake, for my sake :P Thing is, what would have happened? I can't imagine it going any differently than it would have at any other till: I put my stuff on the conveyor belt, they pack it, I pack the trolley, it's paid for, and I leave. I don't think I would have had the guts to actually say anything to her, other than replying to the "How are you?" they're obliged to send your way—it's not like I'm in the habit of chatting up checkout chicks :P  I might have looked at her a bit, but I can almost guarantee no verbal exchange would have occurred.

Thing is... doesn't this play right into my hands? Isn't this exactly what I want? I complain internally and externally about having no real opportunities to talk to girls (none where I don't have to start a conversation out of the blue for no apparent reason, at least), but how much easier could it be than this? I go to her place of work, where her hours are given to her via the roster—provided the roster doesn't change such that her hours are different (and, with my luck, it probably will :P), she'll be there on the same day at the same time, meaning I can schedule my own arrival around that predictability. Not only that, but, provided her till is the quickest one can access (be it through her not servicing anyone, or being the closest to be done servicing), I am given every logical reason required to be in her presence. And, just to make things incredibly easy on my part, she will definitely start off the conversation for me—she will ask me how I am! How much easier could this shit actually be!? All I have to really do is keep the conversation going while unpacking stuff; that is all I have to do. Perhaps I'll find out she's not my type by the way she talks, or her attitude towards me, but who knows, right?

I have never wanted to go back to the supermarket at all, let alone so badly :P

Of course, upon realising this, this over-dramatic response is playing out in my head for my own entertainment: "I seriously can't believe what just happened. Opportunity tapped you on the shoulder, said 'Hey, I made this just for you', and what do you do? You SET IT ON FIRE AND THROW IT AT HIS FACE! And you WONDER why you don't have a fucking girlfriend; perhaps your opportunistic BLINDNESS has something to do with it >.<"

I'm not crazy if I know that's an overreaction... right? >.>

Again, it's not like I'm head over heels in love; I just see a clear cut opportunity here. This plays into my hands far to much for me to pass it up if it comes by again.

What it got me thinking about, however, is what I effectively want out of an encounter with either of the girls I've mentioned. Optimally, I want to get their contact details, use that to keep in touch with them, befriend them, and then ask them on a date. That's how I did it with my first girlfriend, and that's how I want to do it for the next girl I ask out—that way, I know more about who she actually is and can actually develop a more genuine, heartfelt attraction rather than the infatuation(s) I have now. I also wanna know if the girl in question already has a boyfriend before I ask :P  But typically, a guy just asks a girl on a date, finding out about her on the date, sooner rather than later (provided she accepts).

I can't bring myself to do that :P

Not only do I prefer the friend route because I get to know the girl, but the girl also gets to know me. She'll know in advance about my personality, my interests, and most importantly, my flaws. I'd feel like a dick asking a girl out with her not knowing how I eat. I don't wanna be put in the position where she suggests lunch or dinner and I have to be like "yeah... how aabbouuutttt something else? " That's just rude :P  It obviously makes me feel uncomfortable, but if/when she finds out how weird I dietary habits are (whether that's right there on the spot, or at the date itself—postponing it any longer is a serious dick move :P), she's gonna feel awkward too. Whether it be for A: suggesting a meal for the date, or B: agreeing to go out with a guy who eats like that in the first place, she's not going to feel comfortable at all. Yes, I could suggest a movie (or whatever else) myself, but with that, she could easily say she'd prefer a meal anyway, so it's luck of the draw no matter what. I just don't think it's right to spring it on a girl out of the blue that I eat this badly :P

I don't give a fuck about the 'risk of being friendzoned' either. The friendzone can only be a problem if you already have enough friends. I have hardly any friends :P  I'm grateful for the ones I do have, very much so, but it's not like I couldn't do with some more friends. I'd be quite happy for girls to suck my friendzone and swallow my common ground :P  Sure, maybe it'll be too awkward if (read: when :P) I get rejected and dissolve into shit, but again, I can't account for everything—it's just not possible. Is it wrong to befriend a girl just to ask her out? I don't think so. Not only is it the lesser of two evils in my book, but it's not like the girl's gonna be totally surprised that some random guy who talked to her and befriended her also really likes her and wants to go out with her. She'd have to be fucking braindead not to figure that out, and intelligence is the only real concrete prerequisite I have for a girl I want to be in a relationship with. She'll probably have made her mind up well in advance anyway, perhaps even telling me before I ask. Then, of course, comes the question of how this friendship is to come about in the first place, but I can deal with that when the time comes :P

I guess this'll mean it'll take longer for me to find someone, but if I can deal with it for one-and-a-half years, the wait isn't really an issue.

I kinda hope this girl at the supermarket (provided I see her again—llooonngg shot :P) is a little shy. I'm pretty sure the girl at uni isn't really shy, so it'll be good if this new one is. I guess I'm attracted to that too, and obviously it makes the girl easier to talk to :P  And a girl who can't hold her smile/laugh back is just cute :)

yay for cute things :)

Going Out: or How I Want to Learn to Stop Worrying and Love the Bombshell on the Dancefloor

I mentioned in my last entry how my social life really wasn't very active. Most of my socialising takes place online, either with the few friends of mine I talk to on MSN or Facebook, or playing GTA IV with forum buddies over the PSN. Things could certainly be worse—I had my first real birthday party in years a few days ago with friends, and even though we only really played multiplayer games for six or seven hours, it was still heaps of fun, and they enjoyed it. It's not like my social life is non-existent; it could just do with some variety, I guess.

As would be evident by now, I've never really been one to go out to bars or clubs. I think I've been in a bar once in my adulthood, and it was pretty boring, but it was a family thing so I couldn't expect anything of it anyway :P  But, whilst I remain socially celibate, almost everyone I know goes out. It's what this fucking age bracket is known for doing :P  I constantly see photos of people I know at bars or clubs or wherever, and they at least look like they're having a good time... soooooo why the fuck am I not there?

Well, first off, it's not like opportunities have been jumping out at me. I can't remember any (and I mean any) parties or bar/club outings I was invited to in high school (except for my formal's after-party which I'll get to later), and that trend continues for the most part to this day. I had so few connections in high school that nothing came my way in terms of invites to parties of the more mature form—no raves, no discos, no piss-ups, no nothing. As for since then, I have been invited out to a club by my friends twice from memory, but that's literally every invite I have actually been able to actually take into consideration. I said no to going with my friends on the two mentioned occasions. Doing so was admittedly a bit dumb, but I wasn't open to the idea at all at the time—it's finally piqued my curiosity enough for me to develop interest.

This leads me to my second point: the only 'party' party I've even really been to is that godforsaken formal after-party, and that really doesn't count for shit :P  It's the closest I've come, however, so it'll have to do, in all its horridness :P  And half the reason it was so shitty for me was my naivety. I reacted to that whole situation the way I did because I was new to the environment; everyone else there was used to the environment. They'd all done this shit a million fucking times. It was nothing to them. This was just their thing. They'd been doing it for years, and they were all well accustomed. I had no real clue of what to expect, and what I was presented with sucked every type of ball one could possibly suck.

Even though I managed to make a new friend out of the ordeal, said ordeal remains mostly bad :P  I mean, I still remember seeing Sally at the after-party, sitting there at the campfire, looking depressed and not enjoying herself. This shit happened eleven fucking months ago, and I still can't get it out of my head. And I don't think it ever will go away, either. It's not like this prevents me from living my life day to day; it just pops up from time to time, and it only ever serves to fuck with my head. Half of me still wants to make her feel better, and half of me just wants none of it to ever have happened. No picture of her smiling on Facebook or anywhere else will fix that; I think only seeing her happy in real life will. Probably just me and my complete inability to forget shit like this (through repeatedly mentioning it in blogs :P).

I don't want to react to every little negative thing at a party like that, but at the same time, what am I supposed to do when I see people not enjoying themselves? Not feel bad for them? The only reason people end up ignored and alone at parties is because the consumption of alcohol by the majority destroys one's ability to think about other people.

...off track? What are you talking about >.>

Having gotten that shit off my chest, I'll just take the after-party to be what it is: an outlier. Moving on.

I guess my third and final reason is the fear residing in exposure to this new atmosphere as a whole. Larger social situations usually suck for me, but they're all family events where I don't fucking know anyone (as an awkward penguin, having family ties to Italians is just awful :P), so that's probably the explanation. When I'm with friends, I'm a lot more open and willing to engage, so that's where I wanna be: with them. All the time. As in, no one leaves my goddamned side for any reason ever :P  I don't wanna be left by myself at any point during the evening, and I'll cling to someone if I have to. When I'm mostly surrounded by people I know, and/or I'm in a calmer environment, this isn't a problem: out comes the trusty iPod Touch, saviour of all lonely moments, to bring me my alternative to alcohol: Tetris :)  But in a club/bar? That's just gonna look fuckin' dorky, and it kind of defeats the entire purpose :P

I guess I don't wanna be introduced to a group of strangers by my friends (or anyone else), and then have my friends leave me there alone with the strangers, who then talk predominately amongst themselves while I stand there trying to find a suitable moment to interject, confidence fleeting all the while, until it gets too awkward for me and I leave. I seriously fucking hate that shit. Whatever happened to the buddy system, damn it :P

Even with all that said, however, I still wanna do this. I never thought I'd actually say this, but staying at home is getting kinda boring. I still love gaming and writing, but I wanna do other stuff. I don't wanna get pissed and set things on fire, and I don't wanna hit on drunk chicks until I get to stick my dick down their throat, but I do wanna meet some more people and do something other than sit on my arse at a computer :P

And I know I'll like at least some of it because I know I like taking risks sometimes. I always get a huge adrenaline rush when I do things for the first time, and it's something I always cherish and want more of at the time—it's all a matter of getting the ball rolling. Even my Year 10 Formal was awesome for me because it was new and exciting; mightn't have been exciting for them, but it was for me. I loved every minute of that. I managed to lose myself in the music and just fucking dance. I hate dancing while self-conscious (and, of course, for most, that's where the alcohol comes in :P), but when I'm so immersed that I let the beat go to my head and let loose, it's awesome (from memory—that's happened, like, twice :P). It's the same feeling I had when I asked Sally out in the first place, or asked my girlfriend out, or kissed her for the first time, or when I do stand-up: it's being dangerous and liking the thrill, a.k.a being a young person.

I don't wanna do this just because everyone else is. Obviously seeing my friends doing it is getting me interested, definitely, but I wanna do this to expand my horizons and encounter new things. I hate social norms and the concept of adherence to normality in general. I used to be really good at ignoring them too, but Facebook (and the internet in general) makes that a lot harder. Like, I never used to care that I don't drink—my body, my decision, doesn't affect anyone else. But then I get to thinking if people will judge me on that principle and make assumptions of my character based on that single trait. Same with my virginity: unlike my teetotalism, I actually want to fuck, but I haven't yet, and thinking about the fact that most people lose their virginity at around seventeen/eighteen makes me feel really insecure about myself (maybe I would have gotten some pussy by now if I'd been to a few parties, hmm? Hmm? >.<).

But the fact of the matter is that there is no 'correct' answer to the question "Do you drink?", and there is no 'correct' age to lose one's virginity at (I seriously wanna do it soon though—"I started having sex at nineteen" and "I started having sex at twenty" sound worlds apart, don't they :P). Normality in this sense is just a way for the corporate world and the media to alter my mindset and get me to submit to their 'fit in and be happy' mentality.

Another thing, just a question about the current state of affairs here: is there anywhere a guy can have a fucking slow dance anymore? I seriously wanna do that. Like a ball or something, that's the kind of environment I'm talking about. Doesn't even have to be a slow dance—just a one-on-one kind of dance scenario will do! Something where I can find/take a girl in a nice silk dress and dance with her all night long, hold her in my arms , twirl her around, all that jazz. Is this available for people my age? Or is it clubs and shitty wub-wub-neow-neow music for the young people and everything else for the middle aged and old people? I guess I can't get over how my Year 12 'Formal' had no such thing at any point during the dance session. Is this some archaic desire no other couple has? Is something wrong with me here?

...tangents. Tangents everywhere.

I guess I just wanna get out and do shit. I'll have to procure some ID beforehand (driver's test is piss easy, if I recall correctly the practice test I did and how fucking laughable that was :P), but that's all I'll really need... well that and common sense. I should probably bring a jacket this time, rather than just bringing my iPod and my wallet with two condoms inside :P

...I wonder if I'll ever get to use one of these things before they expire...

Slogans (Poem)

Once you snap, crackle and pop open some happiness
and taste the finger lickin' good rainbow,
you'll broadcast yourself
and give power to the players.
It melts in your mouth, not in your hand,
so let your fingers do the walking,
because you're worth it.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste,
but it's the choice of a new generation!
Impossible is nothing.
Just do it.
Be what's next.
Change the game.
Live for now.
Life's short, play more.
Reach out and touch someone
while you rule the air
and eat the breakfast of champions,
because Guinness is good for you.

Have You Met Life Today?
Is it live, or is it Memorex?
Did somebody say McDonalds?
What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Do you... Yahoo?
Got milk?
Has it changed your life yet?

You've got questions; we've got answers.
We're in touch with tomorrow,
and we're expanding possibilities.
We have ideas for life,
and we bring good things to life—
because life's good.

We're leading innovation
but we're quietly brilliant,
the perfect experience.
Every kiss begins with a Kay
and nothing runs like a Deere—
it just keeps going and going and going.
Good to the last drop,
but a little dab will do ya!
It's the best a man can get,
it's built for the road ahead,
and it will put you in the drivers seat—
it's so easy, a caveman could do it!
It's the real thing,
and it's make believe,
it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin',
and with a name like Smuckers,
it has to be good!

Our relentless focus on you
means everyone's invited
to stick together
and have a break, have a KitKat.
Obey your thirst,
don't be evil,
and fly the friendly skies.
Think small.
Think big!
Think different
with the computer for the rest of us.
Share moments, share life,
and put a tiger in your tank
to fight the lion that leaps from strength to strength
so you can eat mor chikin!
See what we mean?

by Liam McCann

Just a poem I wrote for a uni assignment that I was proud of (I figured I might as well publish some of my other work here to break of the tedium of bitching and whining you usually end up finding :P). It's not really a conventional poem, but as far as I can tell, that's the literary form in use here. Apart from a few extra words inserted for grammatical adherence, the poem is comprised solely of lines used in promotions of some form, whether only in the past or still to this day. If in doubt to which business is behind the slogan, Google is your friend.

If you wanna leave your opinion on the piece, go right ahead. All constructive feedback is appreciated :)

Desire: Need Moar Persistence

For a while now, I've understood that human beings are primarily creatures of emotion—we react with our hearts before our minds. That said, I usually look to reason as the optimal way to think, as the way to bettering myself, but I've been realising for a while now that this simply isn't true. I've mentioned more than enough times that, as far as relationships and sex go, I'm not getting anywhere. My social life isn't quite as horrible as I can make it out to be, but it could be improved on so many levels. I mean, just today, I played Grand Theft Auto IV for about five hours straight, playing with friends in a set of games I organised to celebrate my nineteenth birthday. Most people would go "That's how you spent your birthday? Stuck in front of a computer screen, driving around shooting pixels on a screen? Seriously?", to which my response would be "Yes. And it was awesome :D". I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It's all relative: because I'm not used to being in large groups of people, getting pissed at parties and fucking anything that moves (and because I prefer gaming to partying as a social medium), this was so far above the norm for me that it had a huge effect on me. I organised my real-life birthday party (something I haven't really had for five or six years now) to be similar: multiplayer gaming, just split-screen instead of online. I'm sure it'll be great fun too—split-screen gaming has always been something I enjoy, so I'm sure that will only serve to compliment the company of those I enjoy spending time with.

I feel happy about all this because I'm actively trying to satisfy my needs and wants in this area, whereas I'd typically think "Nah, they've got better things to do. I'd be wasting their time." There wasn't much reason involved here beyond "I have a group of friends, and we typically engage in this way; therefore, organising to meet in this environment with these people will probably result in a positive experience"—and that's only what you get once you deconstruct the original thought of "Hey, I'm gonna invite some people I know to this place we all like. That should be fun :)". There's no conscious thought process, it's something people just do. When you cut out the reason, and simply go with the possibilities, it evidently provides for the more positive outcomes. Luckily, I have the train rolling now; I just need to maintain it. Starting these things is always the most tricky part for me, so the worst is over—not that it'll be piss easy, but the more involved I am in my social life, the more natural it will feel to engage in a social manner.

When I come to relationships, however, even though it's also a largely social aspect of life, I become a lot more self-conscious and unwilling to act. I guess it's because being in a relationship will draw on a lot more of my personality, habits and beliefs than more general social environments do. The people I was online with earlier have no idea about my weird eating habits, my physique, my interests outside gaming, my religious or moral background—because none of it matters to them. It doesn't impede our ability to play together and get along, and thus has no relevance in this social context. Obviously, with closer friends, these things can (and, certainly, sometimes do) matter; but in a close, intimate relationship, they usually matter quite a bit in terms of attraction.

And this is where reason comes into play. When I look at those aspects of my life, I can't really imagine a girl wanting to be in a relationship with anyone who eats the way I do, or looks the way I do, so I usually end up simply dismissing the possibility as 'irrational'. But, I'm not just some guy who looks like a starving African child without the melanin, with the diet of a 12 year old who lives in a convenience store (I find it quite amusing that I can get 80% of what I eat from one isle in the supermarket—how's that for healthy :P). I mean, I'm in university, I went to an academically selective high school, I engage in critical thinking, and I regularly explore issues politics, religion and language. I am by no means a scholar, but I'm intellectually proficient to at least some degree. Surely, some woman somewhere (most likely of similar intellect) will appreciate that and be drawn to that. In a similar way, I'm not the funniest motherfucker to hit the planet, but I write comedy and have performed it successfully, and I like to take a similar approach to direct conversation. I know everyone has a sense of humour, but I'd like to think I can put a smile on people's faces when I'm around (the group of online friends I mentioned earlier seem to laugh a lot while I'm there and mention their liking of my jocular nature, so I'm not just talking out of my arse :P). While thinking of myself in this way doesn't send my confidence through the roof, it helps it along enough for me to go "You know what? Maybe it will happen again :)"

And there's the other thing: this has already happened. It's been proven to me through personal experience that a girl can have feelings for me and want to be with me despite what I see to be my shortcomings. My ex didn't give much of a fuck about what I ate or what I looked like—granted, her apathy probably played a role in that, but I still feel as though she liked me for who I was on the inside, as I did her. I guess part of attraction is being able to look past things like that and focus on what you love about the person, to maintain that positive framework.

It's not even a primarily sexual thing anymore for me. I mean, I still wanna get laid :P  But if I had a choice between a one night stand and a date, I'd take the date. I miss everything about what my ex and I had, even to this day, nearly two years after it started and one-and-a-half years after it ended. I miss hugging her so fucking much. While I miss her personally, as that one person who had feelings for me, I know I can't get her back; hugging, though, I can experience again, and I so want to. I laugh when I see jokes about people being 'stuck' doing that kind of stuff with their partner. I remember a particular playing of Scenes from a Hat on Whose Line where the performers had to improvise 'Things to do when you're stuck cuddling'. Part of me is just like "Stuck cuddling? Do you know what I'd give for a hug goddamnit >.<"  Again, it's all relative: they're used to it, so it doesn't mean anything to them. Even I got complacent with my girlfriend; I knew she'd be there to cuddle every day, so it just became a ritual. I still liked it, but it wasn't as thrilling as it was before, it was just 'that thing we did'. Because I haven't had this interaction for so long, if I were to experience it again, it'd fill me with warmth faster than I can imagine. As they say, you only know what you've got when it's gone.

I'm so removed from this environment, and hence so sensitive to its elements, that it doesn't take much to make me happy here. Even hearing or seeing the word 'cuddle' (and that adorable derivative of hug, 'huggle'), evokes a surge of energy in me, like all the nerves in my body go "What? Did I hear 'cuddle'? Is there gonna be a cuddle? Man oh man could I do with one of those right now :)". Thinking about wrapping my arms around a girl's waist, leaning against a wall, holding her hands and rubbing the back of them with my thumb, even an image as gentle as that can brighten me up. Just typing that, I started to shake a little because of all the energy this image released into me. The release of breath through sighs of satisfaction, the natural smile on her face, it's amazing to think about. Same when the little spoon becomes the big spoon—I wanna be her little teddy bear, there for her to cling onto as tightly as she wants, never leaving. It reminds me of when my ex would hug me so tightly that I couldn't breathe. It wasn't some kind of erotic asphyxiation thing, she just found it funny that she could squeeze me so tightly that all the air in my lungs would be forced out (probably my only foray thus far into slapstick :P).

All the images I have tend to follow that trend: close physical intimacy. I guess it's all at least a little sexual, but I think that's normal, and good, something to embrace. That's not to mention the fact that there are images I have where nothing sexual even really happens. There was a girl I liked a little less than a year ago, and I repeatedly pictured us on a beach, her head on my shoulder, my arm around her, just looking out to sea. I wanna know what it feels like to be in bed with a woman too. I can only imagine how fucking weird I would have felt doing that with my ex on my friend group's end-of-school trip last year, had we still been together, but I think it would have been beautiful to do (I even remember talking to a friend when the trip was just an idea—I wanted to bring candles, lol). I mean, obviously, there's that part of me that just wants to see a girl naked and stare at her while she sleeps (are pussies ticklish? :P).  But there's just this thing for me, I guess, about 'spending the night together', like we're crossing this boundary into this new realm of maturity. It's kind of mesmerising to think about.

And, of course, there's the sex. For me, dreaming of making love is so much more fulfilling than dreaming of a hook-up. I mean, I've dreamed about hooking up before, and it can be really sexy to delve into that fantasy where two people who don't know each other too much just get horny and wanna fuck each other's brains out, but making love is so much more drawn out and full on. I swear my dick's harder when I dream of making love than when I dream of a hook-up or simply watch porn (which doesn't even come close to fantasising). There's the dream where we're sitting on the edge of the bed, kind of nervous, and we start kissing, and before long, hands depart from around the waist and the neck, and explore the unseen plains of skin under the clothes. Or the dream where we're outside, on a lookout somewhere, or at my/her old school, and we lie side by side and kiss, until one of us rolls on top of the other and gets things moving. Or the dream where we come home from a night out, where one presses the other against a wall and we just feel each other up, pleasuring each other orally and having more sex in 30 minutes than we'd usually have in a month, the animals inside us in complete control.

This is turning into smut. Bad smut. I don't even read smut; how can I have standards :P

But, when you get right down to it, the staple of the relationship is communication: talking and sharing things with one another. I miss having that special someone I could always talk to. I remember on my first date, after the movie had finished, taking my then-girlfriend outside the theatre and just talking. Well, I was talking, she was just laughing. I miss being able to make someone that happy, seeing a girl so vibrant and full of life simply because of what I was saying. And making her feel better when her brother kept calling her a hippo. And the whole cutesy syntax we always spoke to each other in. It was so special to me. I know it was only one relationship, and it was only in high school, not exactly the strongest love I'm ever going to have in my life; but it's the strongest love I've had so far, so it's all I can go off. I've always said that small things to most are big things to me. My time with my ex was the best six months of my life, and I want to do it again. Thing is, I'd so much rather become friends with the girl I like now first and talk to her, because that (if anything) will give me the strong attraction I want to feel before I ask her out. That's how I got it the last two times, and this girl's presence alone simply won't do it for me; I have to do something to get the ball rolling. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to talk to her or be her friend, but maybe a random date is the only way.

And no, she's not on Facebook... damn you, cursed vice to whose convenience in stalking I so quickly became accustomed! :(

Paul Ryan: The Cuntflap to End all Cuntflaps

I don't live in the United States, nor have I ever really spoken about U.S. politics, but this Paul Ryan guy, running mate for Mitt Romney on the Republican presidential campaign... holy shit.

Upon seeing this "Hey girl..." meme on Twitter which appeared to be parodying his conservative views, I decided to head to Wikipedia to check just how conservative he actually is (I had no clue what his views were at the time; all I knew was that he was a Republican). After reading his social policies, I wasn't surprised.

I was appalled.

For starters, Ryan is, and always has been, staunchly pro-life. This on its own, while something I strongly disagree with, is also something I saw coming a mile away. But, it gets worse: not only does he support making it a criminal offence for a woman to get an abortion (as in, making it a punishable crime on the woman’s part, even in cases of rape and incest), he also supported legislation which would entitle fertilised eggs to the same rights as persons. Fertilised eggs are not persons. I've studied the concept of personhood. While I am far from an expert, from what I understand, a person is a self-conscious, rational being, aware of its existence over time. Traits of a person also usually include:

• capacity for pain/pleasure/desire/memory 
• awareness of time
• ability to communicate/interact socially 
• ability to think intentionally 
• ability to solve problems

Fertilised eggs possess none of those qualities. Yes, they will eventually develop into persons during pregnancy, but fertilisation alone does not signify an instantaneous initiation into personhood. 'Human being' is not synonymous with 'person'. To quote George Carlin: 

See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Fertilization, when the sperm fertilizes the egg... But, even after the egg is fertilized, it's still six or seven days before it reaches the uterus and pregnancy begins, and not every egg makes it that far. Eighty percent of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They wind up on sanitary napkins, and yet they are fertilized eggs. So basically what these anti-abortion people are telling us is that any woman who's had more than more than one period is a serial killer!

Back in Town, 1996

Add to that the proposed restrictions on IVF and birth control, and bringing an end to all funding towards Planned Parenthood (including the family planning program of Title X, a preventative health care initiative), and you’ve got yourself someone who simply doesn’t seem to understand that we don’t need any more fucking people on this planet. 

Not only is he pro-life, he is also pro-gun—also not that big a shock. He openly opposes stronger background checks at gun shows, and he wants permits for state concealed carry (allowing someone to carry a concealed handgun in the state of permit-issue) to be recognised in any state—basically meaning that if you can legally carry a concealed weapon in one state, you can legally do the same anywhere in the country.

So, let's get this straight: he supports making it illegal to kill something we're still debating is a person, but he also supports making it easier for you to kill what we can confirm is a person. What the fucking fuck is going on here?

Of course, he also opposes LGBT rights, but does so beyond simply maintaining the homophobic status quo. He supports banning gay marriage constitutionally (making it illegal even in those states which have already legalised it), opposed the repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell”, opposes same-sex adoption, and voted against legislation expanding hate-crime law to cover “crimes motivated by a victim’s actual or perceived gender, sexual orientation [or] gender identity.”—not much of a surprise given that he is practically a walking hate machine.

On the fiscal side of things, I can’t give a detailed analysis since I am rather uneducated on economic issues in the U.S., but I do know that Ryan wishes to abolish corporate income tax and reduce existing income tax rates, which plays right into the hands of corporate America. With this in mind, further down the page, it also says one of his favourite bands is Rage Against the Machine—you know, that leftist, socialist music group, known for performing songs that stated no matter which party you voted for, control was in the hands of big business. Yeah, Ryan likes that band. He must only have their instrumentals; they’d be good enough to convert his iPod into earmuffs to avoid reporters, as he likes to do.

I want to kill this man—not in a joking way, like “man, don’tcha just wanna kill that Paul Ryan?” I mean it: if he ever comes to this country holding the views he does, he will go home in a fucking body bag. Not that I’m a consequentialist, but shit, if I was, I’d be obliged to kill the motherfucker: his death would ultimately bring less suffering than his continued existence currently does. I’m not saying Obama and the Democrats are angels by comparison, but when you factor in Romney’s similar (but not quite so extreme) views on the same issues, the Democrats are evidently the lesser of two evils.

Never think it can’t get any worse, cos it will.

Labels: Leave my Metaphorical Forehead Alone!

Anything different, that’s what they’re gonna talk about: race, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality—anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank!

George Carlin

I was in a lecture today, being taught about Oedipus Rex and the context in which it was written. The lecturer, incidentally a former student of the uni, started to talk about how the text was relevant to different groups of people today, even though it was written 2500 years ago; one of those groups was, verbatim, "us [the class] as intellectuals".

I've been thinking about this for a while: this idea of labelling people with a certain defining attribute or personality trait. I think it's kind of ignorant. I am not just an 'intellectual'; I am a human being who does a lot more than think. Yes, I'd like to think of myself as intelligent, but does that mean my intelligence defines who I am? I don't think so. I guess if the label isn't seen as exclusive—i.e., I am an intellectual among other things, then it's a non-issue—but, so often in our world, we're quick to judge. I'm not trying to remove myself from the issue either; I do the very same. More often than not, when I watch videos criticising religion, something along the lines of "Stupid Christians..." or "Fucking Muslims..." goes through my head, even though the fault of whatever issue is at hand cannot possibly be attributed to every single member of the faith in existence—that's premature judgement, plain and simple.

And, for the linguistic manipulator, that's what labels are for: instigating instantaneous judgement unto a person based on a particular quality or aspect of that person's life or personality, and the stereotypes we have attributed to said qualities and aspects—when a mere adjective turns into a sole classification. Don't bother looking into the rest of their persona—we have the answer right here! We did the work for you! Ain't we a swell bunch? And in this world of access-on-demand impatience, people go along with it because it's the easier route. People take everything they get and question nothing, even when it's a sceptic feeding them the opinions.

Thing is, from what I see, people are just arrogant. We like that feeling of judgement, whether delivering the judgement (basically all a stand-up comic really does :P) or merely asserting it without having done the actual work. So commonly, I see people always asserting themselves and searching for avenues to superiority, even if it's only partial superiority. There's such a fine line between "I made this. I think it's pretty good :)" and "I made this. Isn't it awesome? It's so awesome. I'm awesome." It's such a small step now from acknowledgement to bragging.

I'm getting off topic :P

I don't want to see people through this label framework. I want to see people as individuals, not part of some autonomous collective. I don't want to see my friends who are Christians as my "Christian friends", but I so often do. Recognising their faith is a good thing, a sign of respect through acknowledgement of their beliefs; but does that religiosity alone separate them from my "non-Christian friends"? I don't think so. I mean, my friend group, while mostly irreligious, has at least one Christian I can confirm, and one or two who are part of families where some people are religious, even if it's to a very small degree. We're all friends, and more often than not, we put this shit aside and just hang out, so how does anyone's religiosity (or lack thereof) come into play here? It just doesn't. Sure, they might bring up a point of view in discussion that's based on their religious beliefs, but that doesn't change the fact that they remain part of a friend group with beliefs ranging from "raised as a Christian from birth" to "religion had no part in my upbringing whatsoever and plays no role in my life at the present time".

That's another thing that gets me with labels: their use on children and the effect that has. Let me get one thing straight: as far as religious institutionalisation goes, I think it to be child abuse, pure and simple. It's intellectual rape: you're depriving your child of a well-rounded point of view and systematically fucking their ability to make informed decisions. No parent in their right mind would do that. I have no problem with religious education, so long as it's balanced with education on other perspectives; but, of course, most religious parents simply indulge in the former, not even considering the latter. If your God is so fucking amazing, you can have faith in respecting your child's intelligence and their ability to find their own way to your God.

That said, children raised in a religious household oftentimes refer to themselves as Christian or Catholic or Hindu or whatever else, even when they're not really religious at all! I've seen people who 'identify' as being part of a particular faith when they don't really believe in the actual doctrines, read the scriptures, attend services, or anything else you kind of have to do to actually be religious. If you're not sure of what you believe yet, that's fine, but don't just photocopy your parent's label and stick it to your own forehead—that's just fucking lazy. You have to work this shit out, do some research, figure out what you actually believe in before you start calling yourself anything. You have to investigate the arguments for and against the existence of god (in the broad sense of the term), determine the accuracy of sets of scriptures, and come to a conclusion about your beliefs before you tout them. You can change those beliefs at any time—you could see things differently later down the track—but you have to find your own set of beliefs rather than just parroting what your parents believe in.

This inaccuracy is what makes stuff like the Census tell a different story to the one that's actually true. It doesn't matter if 66% of Australians identify with some version of Christianity—who cares? If you want to know who's actually Christian, it's far better to go off church-attendance figures, statistics regarding belief in the Bible and its verisimilitude, participation in religious rituals and public events, shit like that. Who you are is defined far stronger by what you do than what you say.

The same could be said for nationalities and ethnicities: just because you're from Country X doesn't mean you'll act in a certain way. It might mean you were raised in a different culture and have different values, but that's the keyword: might. Racism stems from not giving those of different nationalities the benefit of the doubt, shunning them before they have a chance to demonstrate what they as an individual believe is right and what they do in society. And if your parents were from a different country to the one you were raised in, but you were raised predominately in the country you still live in, what fucking difference does it make? In most cases, influence in identity surely extends far beyond one's parents and kin in general.

Politics is another area where labels come into play all too frequently. Everyone's a 'left-winger' or a 'right-winger', a 'liberal' or a 'conservative', a 'libertarian' or a 'socialist'. I don't classify myself under any of these labels, for two reasons. 1: I'm not educated in political issues enough to make a decisive judgement (I don't keep up with political news anywhere near as much as I should), and 2: my judgement on an issue depends not on which side of the proverbial scale it falls, but on the findings of my investigation into the specific issue itself. I would say I'm generally left-leaning, but I don't support any left-wing branch of politics (does Australia even really fucking have that? :P).

Like, get this: our Labor party is (as 'liberal' as it really gets over here) opposes, in our bipartisan political reality, the Liberal party... who, might I add, aren't liberal at all; they're definitely conservative. That's right: in Australia, you can even get away with lying even in the title of your political party :P  Anyway, a few years back, the communications minister for the Labor party introduced legislation that proposed mandatory censorship of the Internet at ISP level across the country. I don't agree with that at all; it violates what I see as a basic entitlement to freedom of speech and access to information, not to mention how much this would cripple our already substandard digital infrastructure—intercepting data and scanning it to verify its status as 'permissible content' at ISP level has been shown to slow transfer speeds to a halt. Yes, our government is also planning a to implement the National Broadband Network (replacement of existing copper wiring with fibre-optics), but throwing a mandatory filter over that is like constructing a 50 lane highway but only opening a toll booth in one lane. This isn't dumb as a proposition with conservative aims,  nor as a proposition coming from our left-wing of politics; it's just dumb as an idea. I can't use that legislation to trash either party in any other area; that makes no sense.

Might I also add that, metaphorically, you need both a left wing and a right wing to fly a plane; and, it doesn't matter what side of the plane you sit on because it's always the same two people in the cockpit. Elect who you wish; regardless, the plane goes where the pilot fucking wants it to go :P

Even on a personal level, this can get to me. Not only was I classified today as an 'intellectual', but I also like to think of myself as a 'comedian' and a 'writer'. In the same way that going around saying you're an 'intellectual' can be a little arrogant, I think the same of going around calling myself a 'comedian'. In the dictionary sense, a comedian is simply someone who engages in the formation and delivery of comedy, regardless of their level of skill or success. But so many people think that to be called a comedian, you have to be good at it—you have to be funny. I've gotten plenty of laughs, and my comedy videos are proof of that, but I still think it a little cocky to say to people "Yeah, I'm a comedian.", because then, for all I know, I'm now expected to be funny in conversation, or I have an implicit 'joke quota' these people want me to meet, or some silly shit like that. I always refer to myself as an 'amateur comedian' because while it's true that I tell jokes with some level of success, I also have a lot of fucking work to do before I'm anywhere near the likes of Robin Williams, Jimmy Carr, Frankie Boyle, Jim Jefferies, Steve Hughes—the people we know are comedians. Once I get there (if I get there at all), then I'll just be a comedian for I will have thoroughly proved myself to be beyond amateur in nature.

For now, though, I'm just a human being. Who needs to go to class :P

Ass: Kicking It and Chasing It

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