A friend of mine wrote a blog entry on how she played with dolls growing up, and that reminded me of my own childhood, though not cos I ever played with dolls :P Only time I ever remember playing with dolls was at a friends house—I pretended they were a newly wed couple, and actually made them have sex and give birth right there on the spot, the baby being a fully formed child, no less. My friend just looked at me like I was nuts... and I can't really blame her :P
Being a guy, I obviously got to play with different toys. Lego was the big one for me, loved mah Legos :D I still have all my Lego, boxes and boxes of it. I have a bit of K'nex and some Meccano too, but Lego was always my favourite. I remember always building things by the instructions first, keeping it that way for a little while, then tearing it down and seeing what else I could build. I also loved getting the flat green plates you could use as platformd to build stuff; I used those to make buildings. I think buildings were my favourite thing to build. I made pyramids, shops, a shuttle launch centre, houses, even apartment buildings (just smaller houses stacked on top of each other with stairs around the edge). I remember I once made an apartment building with fireplaces in each room, meaning I had to make the floor of the 2nd and 3rd stories out of combinations of smaller flat pieces that went around the chimneys—pain in the ass, but still fun.
By the end of my Lego career, I had a whole fucking town built up. Had its own police station (though that was built per instructions), a mansion with a huge backyard, an apartment building, a restaurant, all kinds of stuff. Everyone had their own car, too. Originally, I wasn't too good with cars, mainly sticking to the ones I could make with instructions; but as I got older, I managed to churn out better designs of my own by mixing pieces. I drove people around and had them talk to each other and do stuff. I guess in that way it's kinda like playing with dolls, seeing as I had to make up their personalities and the surroundings they lived in, but the focus was definitely on building stuff. The main family I decided to model after the characters in Donkey Kong 64, seeing as I loved that game so much—strange, but still, at least I was using my imagination.
That's probably the other big part of my childhood: computers and video games. I remember getting our first computer when I was in kindergarten, and getting the internet not long after that. It's strange to think that back then, the computer was like the fridge or the car: there was just one per household, and you had to share it with everyone. At the time, though, it was mostly a novelty; I had no idea that it'd become so important (and I guess by 1999, when we got our first desktop, it was already an important development and I just didn't know at the time).
Our first machine was this big white tower with a white CRT screen. It looked like the ones I used at school, but the operating system was Windows 98, as opposed to the Mac OS they were using at school (can't remember the version, but it was long before OS X came out). I liked to go into the Control Panel and all the settings menus for things, just look around at all the stuff you could do. I made my own desktop backgrounds in paint, usually trying to make a basic 3D building or something to put there. I learned the advanced stuff pretty quickly, too—how to do all the fancy transitions and actions in PowerPoint, how to make user accounts (and change the user type to 'Administrator'—nice try, mum :P), what browser plugins I needed to play certain games, all that stuff.
I was the computer whiz at my primary school. You had a computer problem, you came to me, or you suffered :P I knew more than anyone else there, even the teachers (bar the guy who ran the server and everything). It was cool to have that position, to have that one aspect of you that no one could top. Going on a little tangent, but I kinda miss being top shit at all the intellectual things. I was the best with computer by a mile, and I was really good at Maths and English (even taught a Japanese exchange student English, lol). My high school, being academically selective, was full of people who left me for dead in every field I once dominated. No longer was I finishing the work way earlier than usual, nor was I called upon to help with computer problems—it was actually quite depressing and led to a huge decrease in my morale. I remember my Year 6 teacher teaching us about the increased workload in high school; he should have taught us about the fact that we are not special and informed us that we will never be the leaders in those fields we explore :P
Gaming was the other big one for me. I played lots of Lego games on the computer, my first one being Lego Island. The instruction manual was like a comic book, all colourful and full of cool stuff. It even said that you had to have a CD-drive in your computer to play the game—people seriously had no fucking clue back then :P I used to read instruction manuals like other kids read books: I read them cover to cover, over and over again. I learned a few technical terms from those manuals, like RAM and DirectX, compressed HDD space vs. uncompressed HDD space, all that stuff. A totally nerdy way to burn 5 minutes :P
But back to the games. Beyond Lego Island, there was also Lego Creator (basically a digital Lego box where you could just go ape shit and build anything, complete with dynamite bricks :D), Lego Rock Raiders (more mission based, never beat it), Lego Racers (Lego'd Mario Kart 64, but where you can build your own kart), and Lego Stunt Rally (like Lego Racers, but where you can build your own tracks). They weren't the pinnacle of gaming or anything, but they were charming for their time. I remember in Lego Creator, sometimes when placing a brick, it would glitch out and fly off in one direction, and you had to fight to get it back to where you wanted it—fuck, that got me so mad :P
There was another PC game I got called Extreme G-2, which was a futuristic racing game a la F-Xero, but I couldn't play it because the computer we had didn't have a 'graphics accelerator' (fancy name for a graphics card). And so we learnt of technological obsolescence :P I remember the next computer we got was actually able to play it (as well as some of the Lego games mentioned above, which wouldn't work for the same reason), and it was fun, but still frustrating cos it was difficult (at least for a fuckin' eight-year-old :P).
I also got a Gameboy Pocket with Super Mario Land from my Gran not long after we got the first computer, and that was another really fun game. It fascinated me; it was like the computer, but it fit in my hand! What was this voodoo magic? I also eventually got Tetris for it, which was just the shit :P I originally thought the goal of Tetris was just to build stuff with the blocks, but the game always ended when I did that :/
I eventually got a Gameboy Color too (my Gran must have been lucky cos she kept winning these things at the RSL :P), but the games I got for that weren't too great. I remember I got a Micro Machines racing game which had an eight-player single console Tournament mode... which I would play alone, cos I was lonely like that :P
Most of my gaming memories, however, lie in the Nintendo 64. Oh my God, I fucking love the N64—to this day, it remains my favourite console. I first played it at this thing called After School Care, basically child care for kids whose parents worked and couldn't pick them up from school at 3 pm. I played Mario Party, Mario Kart 64, Pokemon Stadium, Star Wars: Episode I Racer, all kinds of things. Multiplayer was so fun to play back then, and it's still fun playing those games now—nostalgia mixed with decent competitive split-screen action = teh funz. I got really good at Mario Kart 64 and Mario Party, learning all the courses and all the minigames, analysing them and coming up with strategies to beat the others.
The Nintendo 64 was also my first home console, as well as the first console I bought. I saved up half, and mum paid for the other half (I think it was $150 total). First game I got was Diddy Kong Racing, which was pretty good, but a hard son-of-a-bitch at times. The final boss was damn near impossible for me to beat; and even when going back through the game in more recent years, some of the coin challenges were so tricky, requiring almost perfect runs to both collect the eight coins and make it back to the head of the pack before the race finished. Mario Kart 64 was next, but I'd played the shit out of it so I knew that game back-to-front. It was also less fun, seeing as I had to play alone all the time (didn't really have friends over when I had it).
The next two games I got were Donkey Kong 64 and Super Mario 64, the former of which brings back more memories than I can garner. I fucking love that game sooooooo much. Running around the worlds and exploring was incredible back then, and they were all unique. I can still remember their names: Jungle Japes, Angry Aztec, Frantic Factory, Gloomy Galleon, Fungi Forest, Crystal Caves, Creepy Castle and Hideout Helm. Rare had their fucking shit together, man. Playing their other games now and looking back, they had a great design team, and could appeal to kids and adults, a la Pixar. But playing back then was incredible. I remember having to try over and over to climb the machinery in Frantic Factory, and how it took me ages to beat the boss for that level. I remember how there was this spooky temple in Angry Aztec where, after you collected what you had to collect, a low voice would say "GET OUT!", and a crosshair would appear over you with a timer counting down in the top right. That frightened the shit out of me as a kid, and it made me never want to go into that temple again—you had to go into it five times (once with each Kong) to get everything, but it was tooooo scaryyyyy :( I remember the retro Donkey Kong arcade game they had in it, which you had to beat twice to access the final boss of the full game, but I could only ever beat it once, so the game remained unbeatable for me back then. It was just such a huge game, and I felt so immersed, not to mention proud every time I completed a puzzle or a tricky challenge.
Playing it now, it's still super fun and brings back a lot of memories (it's a game I really wanna Let's Play), but the first time round as a kid, it was incredible. Super Mario 64 didn't make such an impression because I never got that far through it, never making it up to the top of the castle. I did eventually beat that game when I got the DS version, but I never beat the original until later on. A great game, don't get me wrong, but DK 64 has a special place in my heart and always will.
Next was the PS2, which was all kinds of ass-kickage. The first game I got was a Harry Potter game which wasn't much fun; the PS2 demo disc that came with the console was more fun than that, lol. I eventually got decent games, like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 (which I only got cos I saw the 'M' rating, thinking it'd be all violent and stuff, even though it was just skateboarding :P), Need for Speed Underground, The Simpsons Hit & Run, Burnout 3: Takedown and Burnout: Revenge—ggoooood shit :D I also got Crash Team Racing, Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, and Crash Bash, all great PS1 games. Crash Bash broke when I got it back from someone I lent it to and I just threw it in my bag without putting it in its case—how dumb can you get :P
A really cool thing I had was the EyeToy: basically a primitive version of the Wii's motion sensor technology that involved detecting movement through a camera. The games were simple, but playing with other people was still really fun. Hilarious playing with kids at parties and stuff, very enjoyable :)
I was also introduced to Grand Theft Auto on the PS2, first seeing a friend play Vice City at his house, then scabbing it off him whenever he wasn't playing it. I always played it behind my mum's back, always being vigilant and listening for her footsteps, quickly turning the console off if I heard her coming upstairs. It was so naughty, but still worth the trouble. The same friend gave me a damaged copy of GTA III for me 11th birthday; my mum found that, though, and confiscated it for a while. It sucked that, because the disk was scratched, if you went onto the 2nd or 3rd island, or if you used a police/army vehicle, the game would usually freeze (making missions involving driving cop cars on the 2nd and 3rd islands a right fucking pain in the ass :P). But it was still fun to mess around on the first island without having those issues. I was actually the kind of kid who did the missions. Most kids back then told me they didn't care about the missions and that they just went on rampages, but while I loved to indulge in the odd massacre here and there, I wanted to beat the game and unlock everything. San Andreas was next, and it was just all kinds of awesome, with a bigger map, more violence, more swearing—everything a kid could ever dream of :D I'd be sitting there, eating my Rice Bubbles, all like "Let's snap, crackle, and pop a cap in this motherfucker!" That game is still pretty fun to play, though the graphics and physics in GTA IV leave it for dead.
Ratchet & Clank was also on the PS2, being such a big thing to me that it's now my namesake. I don't know what it was about those games, but I just loved them to bits. They were so cool to play, not to mention funny. I loved the first one so much that I wrote a walkthrough for it—yeah, I even wrote walkthroughs for games as a kid. They weren't too crash hot, but some people said they were useful, and I guess it was also an early foray into writing and formatting (loved formatting things with a fixed width font, manually making tables and creating titles with ASCII art :D). But R&C was definitely my favourite series back then, by a mile. I even have the entire soundtrack for each game in iTunes, though they're all set to 'skip on repeat', cos otherwise you get a song from R&C every three-to-four songs :P I remember it taking ages to beat the bosses in each one when I first encountered them, but persisting till I took them down. Good times.
To go beyond here is to go into my adolescence, which I wanna gloss over for a bit, moving to where I am now.
As far as Lego and stuff goes, I don't touch it anymore. I actually think I started to gradually lose my imagination when I gave up Lego, my creativity slowly dwindling as I looked at the things I made (which I refused to take apart, pissing my mum off as there was no room in my wardrobe :P). I like to create things, just not physical structures. Now, I create things like videos, using an editing program to build my creations, working around its limitations, finding new and interesting ways to show what I want to show—so I guess I do build stuff, just not like I used to.
And as for computers, still into that big time, though I question my position there in terms of ability. I love technology, but there are a few people I know who are just so much better at it—you know, coding shit, building websites, making games, that kind of thing. I can't do that stuff. I mean, I'm above average, but I don't know how far above average I really am. Maybe it's just cos I went to an academically selective high school and was just surrounded by smart people who could pick this shit up rather quickly, but I never felt that far ahead technologically. Most people I knew could get by pretty well on their own. I guess I wanna push myself a little farther. For example, I wanna build my own computer from scratch—I've picked out components for a computer I bought and had assembled for me before, but I want the parts to come to me individually so I can put it together (much like I did with Lego back in the day, I suppose).
And as far as gaming goes, I'm not into the newer games too much. I'm not some retro fanboy who's all like "Games were good till the new generation came along and ruined it! >.<", but I prefer older titles, specifically the fifth generation (PS1, N64). I play games from all generations, from the old Super Mario Bros. titles on the NES (loved SMB 3, goddamn that's some good shit right there :D), through to the Donkey Kong Country trilogy on the SNES (again, Rare just nails it), through to the games I missed out on in the N64 days (Perfect Dark, Mario Tennis, Banjo Kazooie), followed by the PS2 titles I grew up with, all the way up to the current generation with my PS3, playing LittleBigPlanet, GTA IV, the newer R&C titles, Red Dead Redemption, that kind of stuff.
I don't get all the new games, though. Like, I couldn't give two fucks about Call of Duty, Battlefield, Gears of War, God of War, Halo, World of Warcraft, League of Legends, Assassin's Creed, not even Minecraft—don't give a shit, man. I prefer me some Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island, or the NES version of Tetris, or Worms (another great multiplayer game I played at After School Care as a kid), or Minesweeper—that's just what I like better. Sometimes, my relative lack of interest in newer gaming makes me think I'm less of a gamer, but that's not true; I just like different games, that's all. Besides, I'm fucking stoked for GTA V (the trailer is just... me wanty right nao but can no has and it makes me sad D:), and I'm really into the Wii U, watching videos going through all its features and stuff, but I love games from all over the spectrum and don't need to buy all the newest titles to get my gaming fix. It also allows me to get to know all about emulation and learn more about how computers and consoles work—the settings for emulators are cool to mess about with to see what they do.
Man, that was way fucking longer than I thought it'd be, lol. My eyes hurt. I need sleep. Ow.
Thursday, 13 December 2012
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Questions 2: This Time, It's More Personal
This list is a lot more intricate than the last one and has much better questions. There are also questions I can't answer because my life is fucking boring :P But let's try :)
1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?
1. What’s a question you’re afraid to ask? To whom?
I'm afraid to ask people for stuff, like asking for their time/help/advice. If I get the idea to ask any of my friends for any of those things, I usually end up not doing it.2. What’s something you hide about your personality?
I really don't know. I don't know if I hide anything about my personality, or even try to. I generally don't hide my personality from friends, and it's been that long since I've met new people that I have no clue anymore.3. What’s something other people think about you that you don’t agree with?
Hmmm... well, sometimes, people think I'm overly sensitive when in online discussions, even though I've exhibited no sensitivity whatsoever and am merely arguing my point unto them. People like that are just plain retarded.4. How do you deal with criticism?
Pretty poorly, usually. I take things personally too often and can overreact.5. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?
Let me be in a relationship with them.6. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
I don't think I've done anything sweet for anybody—unless someone else can answer that question, there's no answer.7. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?
Hug me out of the blue.8. Describe your favourite texture.
The back of a girl's hand—haven't felt it in a while, so I can't quite remember, but it's definitely soft and warm :)9. Which national or global tragedy were you closest to and how did it affect you?
Never been affected by any national or global tragedies—no natural disasters, no armed conflicts or civil strife, not even the global financial crisis. Our old house was flooded once by flash flooding, but damage was minimal.10. Post a photo/draw a picture/write a poem (pick one) of a moment of personal significance.
I don't take pictures of anything and I can't draw, nor do I feel up to being a poet at the present time.11. Which fictional character would you most like to have lunch with and why?
Daria. I'd never get sick of her cynicism with its flat delivery. Never ever.12. Who would you say is your “anti” role model? Someone who serves as a warning rather than an inspiration?
My dad—he's a fucking coward and I need to be less like him.13. What’s your least “politically correct” opinion?
I think there should be no such thing as 'swear words' or 'bad words', and that all words should be available for use by anyone at all times. I don't want this ridiculous stigma that (hypothetically) prevents me from saying the word "fuck" to a six year old just because some faggot in a suit said it's wrong. They won't fear the words if you don't insight the fear in the first place, and the definition of a word is set by the words around it. Unfortunately, that makes profane language lose its 'oomph' as it were, so even if it never comes to pass, I still win for knowing the correct way to treat words in a society that mostly doesn't.14. What kind of underwear do you imagine Sherlock Holmes wears?
...ye-olde underwear?15. What’s one of the most difficult things you’ve ever had to do?
Whether I had to is somewhat debatable, but I definitely felt the need to apologise to a friend of mine for talking about her in a sexual and intrusive manner on this blog. Took me months to garner the gonads to do it.16. If you were an element on the Periodic Table, which would you be and why?
One of those ones down the far end that no one remembers.17. What’s the most infuriating thing your parents (or caregiver) do?
I fucking hate it when my mum smokes around me. She usually does it outside, but when she lights up before she leaves the room, Jesus Christ, it stinks >.<18. Which Disney Princess do you most identify with and why? Which is your favourite and why? And yes, ANYONE can answer this question.
I haven't seen a Disney movie in that long that I can't even remember who the princesses are, lol. Who do we got... Snow White, Cinderella, Belle, Jasmine, Ariel, and some others who escape my mind. I don't identify with any of them too closely, but I'm probably closest to Jasmine, wanting to avoid control from authority, be independent and whatnot.19. You’re an action movie hero. What’s your weapon of choice and the line you scream when defeating your arch enemy?
Well, if I could pick anything and know that I'd be awesome with the weapon, the practical side of me would go for dual-wielding Micro-Uzis or having an AK-47, just so I could have a bog-standard gun that I could kick anyone's ass with. That's generic, though.20. What’s the silliest fan theory you’ve ever come up with?
For style, I'd go around with an Ethernet cable, using it as a whip/lasso, and choking people to death with it, slowly eliminating enemies of a free and open Internet. After a long chase through Parliament House, and a one-on-one brawl with Stephen Conroy, I'd have him trapped right in front of a window. Even though it's totally cheesy, as I tightened the cable around his fragile little neck, I'd be all like "You just got blacklisted!" or "404: life not found!" or "You're gonna be experiencing some technical difficulties!" Man, it doesn't matter what the pun is, the context just makes it lame :P
I've never given that much of a fuck about the speculative canon of any movie/TV show/novel/book/video game.21. What did you think about before you fell asleep last night?
Last night as actually one of the first nights I've had in a while where I've just fallen asleep as soon as I went to bed. Usually, though, I think about either being with a girl, or visualising some ridiculous action movie scene I've made up to go with whatever song I'm listening to.22. What’s the oddest term of endearment you’ve ever used or that someone’s used for you?
My uncle who lives interstate always called me 'Brain' when I was a kid.23. What motivates you in life?
Having a girl to set my sights on, as well as comedy. Laughing at stuff never fails to cheer me up, always makes me want to write and perform my own comedy :)24. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?
I used to really enjoy watching movies, like, really enjoy it, but for some reason, they usually end up boring me now, no matter what they are. If I'm watching with friends, it's a different story, but I don't watch films on my own now cos I just get bored. It's gotta be super-duper exciting to keep my attention.25. How do you think you will fare when the zombie apocalypse arrives?
I will die begging for sex from any woman I could find. I'm fucked anyway because I have no survival instinct and am way too picky about my eating and everything, so I might as well just get as much pussy as I can before I get ravaged.26. Which mythological creature are you most like? Why? And if you could be any mythological creature, which would you want to be? Why?
I'm most like Bigfoot (though my existence is not questioned :P). I'm alone most of the time and I stay in my own environment, never leaving.27. Write a brief story about an actual adventure you’ve had.
As for what I'd like to be, I went through the list of mythological creatures on Wikipedia and found one called 'Giant Penguin'. Fuck yes.
Haven't really had an adventure.28. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.
Calling up a girl I asked out (after she said no) to apologise for putting pressure on her by asking her out in the first place. Cue an hour-long tirade of awkward questions, uninteresting responses (on my part), and fifteen second pauses, topped off by my complete failure to actually do what I called to in the first place and apologise (which is silly enough in and of itself, lol). I have never been comfortable making phone calls since.29. What’s something that scares you about the future?
The fact that I will fuck up and do things wrong. Also the possibility of ending up alone or without experiences to look back on.30. List 5 quirky things about yourself.
I have phimosis (an overgrown foreskin).
I (somehow) live off chips, crackers, biscuits, chocolate, lollies, yoghurt, custard, pureé apple, breadsticks, water, and iced coffee. I eat neither meat nor fresh fruit/vegetables.
I always get water from the bathroom sink rather than the kitchen sink. I swear, it tastes better.
I use my fingernails and toenails as toothpicks, chewing on them and stuff (they're clean and it's my own body so why not :P).
I do stand-up comedy in front of hundreds of strangers with no issue, but I'm also shit scared of talking to people I don't know (they're not the same, though, as much as others beg to differ :P).
Every piece of comedy paraphernalia in the world would be there, organised chronologically. Texts examining all religious dogmas would be available, as well as rich volumes on the sciences and language. Also a computer terminal with Tetris so I could bludge.32. What’s the weirdest item you’ve ever mourned?
I don't... mourn items... >.>33. If you could design an amusement park ride, what would it be like?
I'd have a rollercoaster where the track was just a metal tube which was all twisted and had loops and corkscrews everywhere. The car would be a flexible hollow cylinder that went around the tube, and people would get in the car and be standing in all different directions (some would be sideways, some upside down, but all facing forwards, the same way rollercoaster would travel). The coaster would then twist, turn and rotate around the tube as it went along the track. If that exists already, I wanna see it.34. Do you have any “rules” about food?
Yes, the weird-ass ones described previously.35. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?
If you can give informed consent and your partner can too (in all aspects, not just sexual ones), go for it.36. What’s something you want to do that you’d be embarrassed to tell other people about?
Not sure how embarrassed I'd be to tell someone else this (would ultimately depend on the someone else I'm telling :P), but I wanna have sex within the confines of a high school, either the one I went to or the one my partner went to. I don't mean breaking into one of the buildings; I just mean somewhere outside. I'd opt for when it was closed so we could just climb over the fence, find a spot away from prying eyes, and fuck without worrying about being caught. I just think it's just naughty, lol.37. Describe a time/event in your life that you’re nostalgic for.
I like the time when I first asked Sally out, or the time I just started going out with my ex, and I had butterflies in my stomach all the fucking time ^_^38. How do you approach social situations?
By hiding in the corner and eventually running away.39. What is your ideal bed? Why?
Um... one that's... comfortable? Maybe a double bed with my partner in it? Or just the double bed on its own so I could spread out, that's equally good.40. Post a short excerpt of your life.
The day before answering this question list, I played Megaman, Super Mario Bros. 3 and Tetris; watched videos criticising religious fanaticism and radicalism; and edited my own video where I created the arcade game Snake and time-lapsed it. I will play more games, watch more videos, and work on more of my own projects tomorrow, and for a long while after that, until I get my ass out of this house and meet some people who get me out of the house on a more regular basis.There, doneskis. Need to find more lists like this with decent questions.
Saturday, 8 December 2012
Party Time: Still Smacking Myself Upside the Head with a Lead Pipe
So I went to a friend's birthday party last night. I was a little anxious going into it—I'm still a little confused as to why that was. I guess I feared people pressuring me to eat normal food or getting on my case for shit that happened a year ago, but reason was in the background the whole time going "Seriously, dude, you're getting worried over nothing." And indeed I was, cos none of that happened and I had lots of fun :) I got to talk to a few people, didn't back out of any situations due to fear, and didn't exclude myself from the group. The only crappy thing that happened was the later stages of a game of King Mao where the king came up with a pretty clever rule that I couldn't get, and I wasn't willing to take a stab at the pattern myself, confidence fleeting as I tried to work out the relation between the cards played and the penalties given. That wasn't a social thing though, more of an internalised ego-attack where I'm like "But I'm supposed to be good at patterns! Fuck you King Mao goddamnit I hate you all >.<", and I got over it fairly quickly. That was the closest I got to awkwardness, though; the rest was all gud and I had many funz :D
Got me thinking about a few things though. Firstly, the whole gift-and-card-giving thing. I usually feel shitty for putting money in cards, cos it's a pretty blunt way of saying "I have no confidence in my knowledge of your tastes to risk buying you something. Go buy whatever you want—this thing's valid everywhere :)". But the fact of the matter is that I don't know what this girl has/doesn't have and I can't pinpoint her taste—the fuck does she even want? No clue. It also obviously a pretty clear indicator of laziness, but I'm notorious for laziness and people should know that by now :P
I look at it differently: the way I see it, people showing up to my party is a gift in and of itself. That's not some some hippy mentality being used as a cover-up for an underlying superiority complex; I'm serious. Someone took time out of their day to hang with me, and I appreciate that, cos it's rare I get to do that. That's honestly all I need. I don't see my birthday as a time to be expecting presents to be given to me. I appreciate gifts—I'm not gonna be like "Jeez, way to assume I'm materialistic and everything, arsehole >.<"—but it doesn't mean as much to me as that person's presence (if you'll pardon the pun—my gift to you :P). If you're gonna spend your time on something, don't waste it wondering what I like; I find that illogical. Use that time to do something constructive. If you see something perchance that you'll think I like, cool, lucky you (and lucky me, too); but don't waste time umming and erring over something as silly as a gift, browsing stores and worrying that I won't like what you get me. Wanna give me something? Money's the best choice to me, cos I can pool it together and buy whatever I like, a collective gift, if you will. No effort on your part, no hassle, no bullshit, no hard feelings, no nothing. And again, I don't expect to be given money, nor anything else. People just tend to want to give you something on your birthday, and my thought is "If I want something, I'll ask for it; and if I don't ask for it, it's unreasonable to expect it."
Unfortunately, birthday cards aren't any easier. Most cards at the newsagent just don't say what I want them to say—this miss the mark on so many counts. Like, a lot of the more girly cards say "thinking of you": last time I said I was thinking of this girl, I got into fucking trouble (and rightfully so :P). Too creepy, man. Then they get all cutesy with things like "hope you have a sweet and wonderful birthday" or "may you get all your birthday wishes and have amazing day!"—horseshit :P Yes, I'd like her to have a good birthday, but you may as well have a card that says:
I prefer cards that are made by the person giving it to me in the first place. Those cards are awesome because, again, the person put their time into something constructive, complete with their own personal touch. A part of them is in that card; it's a representation of their care and friendship. Again, not that I don't care at all for storebought cards—you still got off your ass and got me something—but a homemade card means more to me. And again (really wanting to make this shit as clear as possible :P), I am not expecting everyone (or even anyone) who gives me a birthday card to make their own personalised one; I just think it's super cool when I get a personalised card cos it's special and unique. I wanna get into the habit of doing it myself—I'm not exactly pro with arts and crafts, but I can still write something witty inside, my own way of saying "I made this for you specifically, cos I want you, not Hallmark, to be happy face on your birthday :)"
This birthday shit can turn awfully political and anti-consumerist pretty quickly, lol. This is just my opinion on it, and I don't wanna try to legislate how people should think about their own birthdays. This is just my take on it. It's an arbitrary celebration anyway, given that personal development doesn't happen in yearly increments, but gradually as you get older. Turning sixteen didn't make me go "Man, you know what I'm totally capable of reasoning with right now? Sexual intercourse. I have all this consent that's all... informed and stuff. I just feel so responsible right now, way more than I did yesterday!"
As for the party itself, as I said, I had a good time. I hadn't seen a lot of these people in a fair while so it was good to see them again. Seeing as it was pretty much all people I knew, and there was no alcohol nor (seemingly mandatory) dancing, so it was 'easy' on the difficulty scale. I know can tackle stuff like this, so I now know I might be willing to be in an environment with more strangers, or one that's a little more off the chain, slowly making social progress.
I'm still doing really stupid things, though, not at events like these, but afterwards, when I get home. I woke up at about 12 pm on the day of this party, so I knew I'd be up late. When I got home, I just messed around on my computer, played Sudoku, trying to figure out the new YouTube layout (seriously, the designers are fucking sadists), then I went to bed. When trying to get to sleep, I kept thinking about the other people at the party and comparing myself to them. "This person is in a relationship and I'm not; this person is now at their second party of the week whereas I can't remember the last party I went to; this person eats normally and I don't; this person's going overseas and doing that myself would scare me." It's like "Give yourself a break, you numbskull! You just went out and had fun—why are you now ruining it by focusing on every negative thing you can possibly think of?"
The weird thing is that I do that after social events quite often. I remember doing it the night after the last time I met up with friends, even feeling the need to vent. Why do I do that? Maybe it's cos I'm otherwise apathetic towards these things, not really thinking about them that much until I'm exposed to them, where it's like "Oh yeah, all this stuff I don't have and don't do... :( ". In any case, it sucks, and I have got to find a way to not do that every time I come home from a party or anything else.
And let's think about it: there could easily be people who see me on stage and go "Wow. How the fuck could anyone get up there and just... talk to all these strangers? I wish I could do that :( ". Public speaking is a huge fear for most people, but me? Scary before I go on stage, sure, but once I'm out there, it's a fuckin' cakewalk. But if I tried to explain it to people, it'd be like "What's there to explain? You just go out there and do it. No visualising people in their underwear, or pretending everyone's your friend, or anything—you just do it." Tell someone that, and they'd just stare at you as if to say "Well how is that supposed to help me?" It's not something you can teach; it's something you learn to cope with through experience; and in some ways, some people are just better suited to it than others due to their inherent skillsets. In that same way, how good I am as a social creature isn't something I can measure by comparing myself to other people like this, nor should I attempt to improve this aspect of myself by merely mirroring what other's do. I have to come to it on my own, finding my own way there by creating and progressing towards my own goals.
Got me thinking about a few things though. Firstly, the whole gift-and-card-giving thing. I usually feel shitty for putting money in cards, cos it's a pretty blunt way of saying "I have no confidence in my knowledge of your tastes to risk buying you something. Go buy whatever you want—this thing's valid everywhere :)". But the fact of the matter is that I don't know what this girl has/doesn't have and I can't pinpoint her taste—the fuck does she even want? No clue. It also obviously a pretty clear indicator of laziness, but I'm notorious for laziness and people should know that by now :P
I look at it differently: the way I see it, people showing up to my party is a gift in and of itself. That's not some some hippy mentality being used as a cover-up for an underlying superiority complex; I'm serious. Someone took time out of their day to hang with me, and I appreciate that, cos it's rare I get to do that. That's honestly all I need. I don't see my birthday as a time to be expecting presents to be given to me. I appreciate gifts—I'm not gonna be like "Jeez, way to assume I'm materialistic and everything, arsehole >.<"—but it doesn't mean as much to me as that person's presence (if you'll pardon the pun—my gift to you :P). If you're gonna spend your time on something, don't waste it wondering what I like; I find that illogical. Use that time to do something constructive. If you see something perchance that you'll think I like, cool, lucky you (and lucky me, too); but don't waste time umming and erring over something as silly as a gift, browsing stores and worrying that I won't like what you get me. Wanna give me something? Money's the best choice to me, cos I can pool it together and buy whatever I like, a collective gift, if you will. No effort on your part, no hassle, no bullshit, no hard feelings, no nothing. And again, I don't expect to be given money, nor anything else. People just tend to want to give you something on your birthday, and my thought is "If I want something, I'll ask for it; and if I don't ask for it, it's unreasonable to expect it."
Unfortunately, birthday cards aren't any easier. Most cards at the newsagent just don't say what I want them to say—this miss the mark on so many counts. Like, a lot of the more girly cards say "thinking of you": last time I said I was thinking of this girl, I got into fucking trouble (and rightfully so :P). Too creepy, man. Then they get all cutesy with things like "hope you have a sweet and wonderful birthday" or "may you get all your birthday wishes and have amazing day!"—horseshit :P Yes, I'd like her to have a good birthday, but you may as well have a card that says:
"I really want you to have a good birthday... I really want it... like, I really want it... I want it more than anything in the world... if you don't have a good birthday, oh my, I'll be so disappointed... my lifelong dream, crushed after all this time! You wouldn't do that to me, would you? Would you!? Please say no. Please, please have a good birthday. It's all I want, I swear. For the love of Christ, don't let me down! Just have a good birthday! I need you to enjoy it! Please, dear God, just fulfil this one wish of mine! I'll be forever grateful!"Yeesh :P And don't get me started on the 'funny' cards. There's "it's so bad that it's good", then there's "it's so bad that Hallmark decided to sell it for five bucks a pop". The quality of the puns just offends me—comedians have feelings too, you know :'(
I prefer cards that are made by the person giving it to me in the first place. Those cards are awesome because, again, the person put their time into something constructive, complete with their own personal touch. A part of them is in that card; it's a representation of their care and friendship. Again, not that I don't care at all for storebought cards—you still got off your ass and got me something—but a homemade card means more to me. And again (really wanting to make this shit as clear as possible :P), I am not expecting everyone (or even anyone) who gives me a birthday card to make their own personalised one; I just think it's super cool when I get a personalised card cos it's special and unique. I wanna get into the habit of doing it myself—I'm not exactly pro with arts and crafts, but I can still write something witty inside, my own way of saying "I made this for you specifically, cos I want you, not Hallmark, to be happy face on your birthday :)"
This birthday shit can turn awfully political and anti-consumerist pretty quickly, lol. This is just my opinion on it, and I don't wanna try to legislate how people should think about their own birthdays. This is just my take on it. It's an arbitrary celebration anyway, given that personal development doesn't happen in yearly increments, but gradually as you get older. Turning sixteen didn't make me go "Man, you know what I'm totally capable of reasoning with right now? Sexual intercourse. I have all this consent that's all... informed and stuff. I just feel so responsible right now, way more than I did yesterday!"
As for the party itself, as I said, I had a good time. I hadn't seen a lot of these people in a fair while so it was good to see them again. Seeing as it was pretty much all people I knew, and there was no alcohol nor (seemingly mandatory) dancing, so it was 'easy' on the difficulty scale. I know can tackle stuff like this, so I now know I might be willing to be in an environment with more strangers, or one that's a little more off the chain, slowly making social progress.
I'm still doing really stupid things, though, not at events like these, but afterwards, when I get home. I woke up at about 12 pm on the day of this party, so I knew I'd be up late. When I got home, I just messed around on my computer, played Sudoku, trying to figure out the new YouTube layout (seriously, the designers are fucking sadists), then I went to bed. When trying to get to sleep, I kept thinking about the other people at the party and comparing myself to them. "This person is in a relationship and I'm not; this person is now at their second party of the week whereas I can't remember the last party I went to; this person eats normally and I don't; this person's going overseas and doing that myself would scare me." It's like "Give yourself a break, you numbskull! You just went out and had fun—why are you now ruining it by focusing on every negative thing you can possibly think of?"
The weird thing is that I do that after social events quite often. I remember doing it the night after the last time I met up with friends, even feeling the need to vent. Why do I do that? Maybe it's cos I'm otherwise apathetic towards these things, not really thinking about them that much until I'm exposed to them, where it's like "Oh yeah, all this stuff I don't have and don't do... :( ". In any case, it sucks, and I have got to find a way to not do that every time I come home from a party or anything else.
And let's think about it: there could easily be people who see me on stage and go "Wow. How the fuck could anyone get up there and just... talk to all these strangers? I wish I could do that :( ". Public speaking is a huge fear for most people, but me? Scary before I go on stage, sure, but once I'm out there, it's a fuckin' cakewalk. But if I tried to explain it to people, it'd be like "What's there to explain? You just go out there and do it. No visualising people in their underwear, or pretending everyone's your friend, or anything—you just do it." Tell someone that, and they'd just stare at you as if to say "Well how is that supposed to help me?" It's not something you can teach; it's something you learn to cope with through experience; and in some ways, some people are just better suited to it than others due to their inherent skillsets. In that same way, how good I am as a social creature isn't something I can measure by comparing myself to other people like this, nor should I attempt to improve this aspect of myself by merely mirroring what other's do. I have to come to it on my own, finding my own way there by creating and progressing towards my own goals.
Friday, 7 December 2012
Penitence: Hilarious in Heindsight
I was going through my documents and found a Word document called 'Response'. I opened it to find an incomplete apology to a friend of mine, wanting to say sorry to her for publishing blog entries where I mentioned and described dreams in which I had sex with her. She had commented on these entries herself after finding them, and she had a lot to say, three comment blocks worth in fact. I'd post her comments, but it's nearly three pages long, and this entry's gonna be a long one as it stands :P. To sum it up, she basically clarified some things I wasn't up on (personal things), elaborated her opinion on relationships (sexual and more committed), and criticised the publishing of the sexual stuff as an invasion of her privacy. Upon reading these, I immediately wanted to apologise for what I'd written, seeing as it didn't take long for me to agree with what she'd said. Two others also left comments—a friend of this girl who was also on the trip left one comment, and another guy who wasn't even there left five comment blocks worth of his opinions—but I'll get to those later.
For the record, though the girl is referred to as Lisa (as she was in the blog entries spoken about below), her real name is Lucy. Seeing as she's commented on this blog before, it wouldn't take you more than five seconds to find her real name if I were to conceal it anyway, so there's no point :P
What's written below doesn't necessarily reflect what she believes anymore, nor what I do. The whole point of this is to look back at what I said in response to her comments and compare my thoughts then to what I think now, like a memoir but of something fairly recent.
When I did think of her as someone I could maybe talk to or make a move on at the Formal/after-party, however, the thought of me making a new friend did occur:
I got Facebook about a week later, and I signed up solely to talk to her, seeing as she was never on MSN. Its functionality has extended far beyond that since then, but that was the original intention behind my joining Facebook: to talk to Lucy. Took me ages to do actually do it, but I eventually did, and we then started having the conversations I mentioned earlier. I went into this with the same mentality: "even if you don't strike a flame, you'll still get a friend. You cannot lose." Men always have to convince themselves they can't lose, even when it's not a fucking competition :P
Might I also add, knowing Lucy could be reading this, that I recall you mentioning something in your blog about not liking the way your upper legs look. I can't be sure how serious you were when you wrote that, and I also know this is gonna sound creepy and objectifying as all fuck, but seriously, your legs, especially your upper legs, were the parts of you I looked at the most. It was awesome to look at them, and to stare at them for any amount of time was time well spent. I certainly don't do it anymore, but I used to back when I liked you, any time I could get a peek. If girls can be attracted to my skinny frame, guys can be attracted to your upper legs, mmkay? :P
...yes, moving swiftly along... >.>
And even if I wanted to jerk off, perhaps while they were sleeping, how would I do it? I'd have to be alone—bathroom's the only even remotely appropriate place (3 other guys in my room, one of whom is gay... yyyyeeaaahhh no :P). I'd have to be silent, too—I can keep my mouth shut and my breathing under control, but the fapping itself? I'd have to be a horny ninja in there, what with all those tiles making my every stroke echo like that. Neither speed nor position would make a damned difference; it'd make at least some noise. And the orgasm? I'd need duct tape over my mouth and a peg on my nose to prevent even the slightest outburst; and now it's turning into auto-erotic asphyxiation which could fuckin' kill me :P When your heart rate's up that high and you're doing such a physical activity, you're already gonna be breathing pretty fast; but to then have the most powerful release a person can bring themselves to... without panting... without moaning... without even sighing... how? Not possible, dude, not possible. And there's no other room I'd be doing it in, nor would I do it outside (not an exhibitionist, lol).
To be honest, given the onslaught of naughty thoughts I had that week, I'm proud I managed to keep my hands off it for that period of time. That's self control right there.
And I did like her for who she was on the inside too, but we'll get to that later.
It didn't corrupt my integrity, either; I just made a little mistake. This is part of what kept me feeling like shit for as long as I did: this whole "I'm a corrupt human being who has no morals and isn't fit for society" mentality. It's practically mental self-harm. Publishing the entries was a dumb thing to do, yes, but I realised this very quickly—that right there means I understood and learned from my errors, as any rational being can. But my emotions took over here, and I hated myself for what I did, this mentality being the result.
Whether you find it funny or not, that's what I thought back then, and it's still what I think now. There is also a direct reference to how misogynistic some of the material may sound right before that:
This was an emotional response, and I can now look back at it with a clear head, commenting on it with reason. I've obviously come a long way since I wrote all this stuff, and can look back on it now and laugh a little—I even wanna make fun of it in my amended version of the stand-up special I mentioned earlier.
I felt a little uneasy going through this, but I'm alright now that I've finished reading it and going through it. The uneasy feeling is partly because I'm actually going to Lucy's birthdaytomorrow today (late night blogging FTW), and because people from school are gonna be there (people I haven't seen since school ended, people who I'm not even close friends with), I fear they're gonna get on my case for all the stuff I wrote. They probably don't even fucking remember any of it, so I don't know what I'm worried about. See? Always an excuse ready and waiting for me to feel bad about social events :P
Speaking of feeling bad, the reason I felt awful wasn't really due to Lucy's comments—they were reasoned, and while they were honest, they were not abrasive nor cruel. Another guy who went on the Schoolies trip also commented, and while he, too, criticised what I did, he also did so in a reasoned manner that didn't hurt my feelings.
There was another guy, however, who left five comment blocks worth of his opinion. This guy didn't go on the trip, he isn't close friends with me, and he didn't even read the entirety of the articles, but still felt the need to 'school' me on how I should approach girls, talk about other people and such. He was a self-righteous cunt in each and every comment, and reading them made me feel like a fucking dog. He went beyond mere criticism; he asserted his supposed social superiority and belittled me to the point where I felt worthless for months. For what I did, I'd say I deserved to feel bad for one-to-two weeks tops—yes, I made a mistake, but I realised my wrongdoings pretty quickly. What needed to be said had already been fucking said by Lucy and the other guy; this dude just reiterated what they'd posted in a condescending manner. He even felt the need to defend himself in relation to the after-party (seeing as he was the guy talking to Sally, which made me rethink that whole thing)—I never even attacked the fucking guy! Male defence mechanism in action right there :P
This guy commented after both Lucy and the other guy, and his arrogant, pseudo-intellecual tone, combined with the sheer volume of his comments (when he'd only read some of what I wrote, no less), shattered me for far longer than I deserved. I thought, seeing as he had so much to say on so little of what I wrote, that what he didn't read must have been just as bad (which it wasn't), and that I should feel abhorrent for my crime against humanity. He made misassumptions left, right, and centre, too. I don't hold anything against him now, but seriously, it was so fucking uncalled for now that I look back. I'd learned my lesson, and these comments went far beyond reasoned, critical commentary, nor were they funny. I'm partly to blame for not being up to the task of recognising this arrogance in the first place, but I still feel he is mostly to blame for the length of my depression.
S'all good now though. I don't regret going on the trip, nor writing what I did; and while the publishing was a dumbass idea, at least I learned something from it, and got an interesting story to tell. That's how I've gotta look at life: if I fuck up, it's five more minutes of material I can use to entertain the masses.
Off to sleep nao :)
For the record, though the girl is referred to as Lisa (as she was in the blog entries spoken about below), her real name is Lucy. Seeing as she's commented on this blog before, it wouldn't take you more than five seconds to find her real name if I were to conceal it anyway, so there's no point :P
What's written below doesn't necessarily reflect what she believes anymore, nor what I do. The whole point of this is to look back at what I said in response to her comments and compare my thoughts then to what I think now, like a memoir but of something fairly recent.
"Hey, Lisa. Thanks for reading all of this and giving your 2 cents -- it means a lot to me, given your position in the writing.I still do that a bit, lol, but I'm thankfully starting to just take things as they come rather than making misassumptions.
"When I liked you and we were talking on FB, I interpreted the flow of the conversation as being due to my feelings for you being requited, but that was an over-reaction -- I assumed too much from too little, seeing things how I wanted to see them rather than for what they were. That's the main problem with me: I jumped to conclusions based on almost nothing the whole way through this thing."
"When we were talking, the conversation flowed better than it has with almost anyone else I've spoken to online who I wasn't already friends with, so by my (inherently flawed :P) logic, I thought you liked me back."This is coming from someone who had socially isolated himself months before. As if I was in any position to identify a 'good' conversation—I'd had hardly any conversation of this magnitude with more than one or two other people in the past ten-to-twelve weeks :P
"When I found out you didn't like be back in that way, I felt uncomfortable talking to you, and you didn't say "hi' or anything of your own accord, so, by that same logic, I assumed that you didn't want anything further to do with me either. I wanted to own up to my feelings and simply get things off my chest shortly after that, to clear the air so to speak, but I never garnered the balls to do it. I also thought that seeing as you already knew I liked you anyway (I thought you actually knew rather than just having an idea) that there was no point bringing it up, and that you didn't want to talk about it, so I left it, hoping it'd just be a non-issue by the time Schoolies came around -- wrong, once again :P"Something else I need to stop doing: leaving shit and just expecting it to fix itself :P
"I know it's best to make friends with a girl if you like them first, and see if it progresses from that point -- that was the initial plan when I liked you! 'Get to know her, see if you can be friends, and if it goes further than that, then good; otherwise, you've made a new friend, which is also good.' "As much as it sounds like bullshit, this was true. I can never read that part without being cynical and assuming people will think I'm lying, even though I know for a fact I meant what I said there. I'd had my eye on her for a while in my last term of school, but never really took the attraction seriously because it was all physical, and I wasn't prepared to talk to her or anything. I didn't even think about her outside of school, though I do remember cracking jokes with a friend of mine about how much I liked her ass (we both knew damn well that I was a perv, lol).
When I did think of her as someone I could maybe talk to or make a move on at the Formal/after-party, however, the thought of me making a new friend did occur:
"[Even though nothing happened between Lucy and I at the Formal/after-party], who knows... that could still go somewhere! Even if it's just friendship, there's always room for one more."
Expectations: Ditch the Motherfuckers, published 24th September 2011
I got Facebook about a week later, and I signed up solely to talk to her, seeing as she was never on MSN. Its functionality has extended far beyond that since then, but that was the original intention behind my joining Facebook: to talk to Lucy. Took me ages to do actually do it, but I eventually did, and we then started having the conversations I mentioned earlier. I went into this with the same mentality: "even if you don't strike a flame, you'll still get a friend. You cannot lose." Men always have to convince themselves they can't lose, even when it's not a fucking competition :P
Might I also add, knowing Lucy could be reading this, that I recall you mentioning something in your blog about not liking the way your upper legs look. I can't be sure how serious you were when you wrote that, and I also know this is gonna sound creepy and objectifying as all fuck, but seriously, your legs, especially your upper legs, were the parts of you I looked at the most. It was awesome to look at them, and to stare at them for any amount of time was time well spent. I certainly don't do it anymore, but I used to back when I liked you, any time I could get a peek. If girls can be attracted to my skinny frame, guys can be attracted to your upper legs, mmkay? :P
...yes, moving swiftly along... >.>
"I guess I saw the friendship as gone when I found out you didn't like me back (and that you'd 'known' since the Formal); and when you didn't try to start any conversation after that, I figured that you were only talking to me because I was starting the conversations, and that you were only replying to be polite and not ignore me. I'm not worried about the "friendzone" -- if anything, I see it as a safety net that allows for a relationship with a girl I have/had feelings for even though it's a friendly one rather than a romantic one."This is still kinda true. I mean, if I liked a girl, really liked her, loved her even, and I asked her out only to be rejected, I'd still be </3 and :( and >:O and everything, but when reason came through, it would come through with the knowledge that I might have a new friend. Maybe we couldn't be friends—maybe she'd have been weirded right the fuck out by it and wouldn't wanna talk to me, or perhaps I'd find it too awkward to be around her—but maybe we could be. The possibility is always there.
"The objectification was never something I wanted or enjoyed."This times a million. It was fucking irritating, seriously. Half the problem was the fact that I couldn't jerk off, cos if I could have just masturbated to get rid of the tension (as opposed to venting through writing, which only seemed to fuel the fire), this probably would have been a non-issue. But like fuck would I have rubbed one out while nine of my friends were in the house at the same time—I wouldn't have even felt comfortable doing that, not for a second :P I mean, it's not like I was walking around with a hard-on, nor was this a distraction all day, every day; but when it got to me, it got to me :P
And even if I wanted to jerk off, perhaps while they were sleeping, how would I do it? I'd have to be alone—bathroom's the only even remotely appropriate place (3 other guys in my room, one of whom is gay... yyyyeeaaahhh no :P). I'd have to be silent, too—I can keep my mouth shut and my breathing under control, but the fapping itself? I'd have to be a horny ninja in there, what with all those tiles making my every stroke echo like that. Neither speed nor position would make a damned difference; it'd make at least some noise. And the orgasm? I'd need duct tape over my mouth and a peg on my nose to prevent even the slightest outburst; and now it's turning into auto-erotic asphyxiation which could fuckin' kill me :P When your heart rate's up that high and you're doing such a physical activity, you're already gonna be breathing pretty fast; but to then have the most powerful release a person can bring themselves to... without panting... without moaning... without even sighing... how? Not possible, dude, not possible. And there's no other room I'd be doing it in, nor would I do it outside (not an exhibitionist, lol).
To be honest, given the onslaught of naughty thoughts I had that week, I'm proud I managed to keep my hands off it for that period of time. That's self control right there.
"It was something I was new to; and hopefully, it was something that won't happen again."xD good luck with that. I wasn't new to the thoughts; I was new to the restraint. Hopefully that won't have to happen again :P
"When I found out that you didn't like me back, I slowly lost all the substantial attraction to who you were, thinking I was over you in every aspect; but when I saw you day in, day out at the house, seeing you dressed the way you were, the physical side of it was revived while the substantial side lay dead beside it."It wasn't the way she was dressed so much as the fact that, coupled with my inability to relieve all this tension, she was just there all the time (though she did wear short shorts and loose tops sometimes, which, I admit, was kinda nice to look at). I can't help who I'm attracted to—I can control my actions, but not my thoughts. If I think a girl's hot, I'm stuck with that for however long my dick wants to torture me. All I can do is control my actions; and the action of publishing these entries was the mistake here, not the thoughts.
And I did like her for who she was on the inside too, but we'll get to that later.
"I've never been purely physically attracted to someone before that week."Ummm, bullshit? :P I haven't been attracted to someone right after they've rejected me before, though—it usually ends on both an emotional and physical level after I'm turned down, up front or through proxy.
"Sally and Bella I liked for who they were, and their bodies were a non-issue. They were nice to look at, but it was nice because it reminded me of who they were, not just for what I was seeing on the surface."This was true eventually, yes. I loved Sally's body on its own—more in a pretty way than a sexy way, but still an all-physical attraction. Once I learned more about her personality, though, that developed into feelings that a girl's body alone simply can't do for me. Slowly but surely, I fell in love with her, the statement above now true. As for my ex, I actually became attracted to her personality first, then found her body beautiful (before that I just thought it was average, but it grew on me big time as we got to know one another). I also still think they're both pretty girls, but that wasn't the case right after Sally turned me down or when my ex broke up with me; only this time did the physical attraction survive rejection.
"Even when I liked you, even though I knew I liked the way you look, I also knew that was only part of it; I knew we had things in common because we hung around the same people, and that was more-so what drew me to you earlier on. When the latter died and the former lived on, I didn't know what to do, because the feelings wouldn't go away, even though I knew in the back of my mind that nothing was going to happen."Trufax. It was just frustrating as all hell because it wouldn't stop, and no action of mine could make it stop.
"I agree that sex will always be better with someone you have true feelings for. This is why these lustful thoughts frustrated the fuck out of me: because even if what I was thinking was to happen, it'd be unfulfilling anyway because there was nothing special between us."I don't really think this way anymore. I've said plenty of times that I'd rather lose my virginity when in a relationship. But when I think about it, if Lucy and I had been physically into one another and had fucked at any stage, I would have felt very fulfilled :P Losing my virginity consensually will be fulfilling almost regardless of who it's with cos it's something I really wanna do; it's a dream and a goal of mine to do so, and it has been for a long time now.
"The Formal/After-party gave me my first exposure to even the remote possibility of sex, and after it was all said and done, I formed that same opinion; the problem was, the lust was so strong that it took over, and that opinion became an afterthought."—and it mostly remains an afterthought :P
"By the end, I wanted it so bad that I was willing to discard the fulfilling aspect just to get some -- it was animalistic thought, and it corrupted what little integrity I had to begin with. It's scared me to the point where, sometimes (albeit rarely), I'm at the complete other end of the spectrum, fearing any strong sexual thought due to the possibility of losing control over it again."Starting to beat myself up here. As I said, I can't control who gets my dick hard, so I shouldn't feel ashamed for wanting sex without being in a relationship. Most people my age are horny bastards and wanna fuck other people—it's totally normal and nothing to feel bad about. And as for 'animalistic', I am an animal, as is Lucy, as is every human being! We're not separate from the animal kingdom; we're part of it! Animals wanna fuck, and we're animals; therefore, we're gonna wanna fuck. Plain and simple.
It didn't corrupt my integrity, either; I just made a little mistake. This is part of what kept me feeling like shit for as long as I did: this whole "I'm a corrupt human being who has no morals and isn't fit for society" mentality. It's practically mental self-harm. Publishing the entries was a dumb thing to do, yes, but I realised this very quickly—that right there means I understood and learned from my errors, as any rational being can. But my emotions took over here, and I hated myself for what I did, this mentality being the result.
"I was always one to think I didn't view women as objects of desire, but as people, with emotions and feelings; that week was to prove me wrong, even if it was only for that week :P"This I can also verify, although not quite as much as I'd like to. I performed an hour-long stand-up special for a small audience on the Monday before the Formal, the latter half of which was dedicated, incidentally enough, to my love for Sally back in Years 9 and 10. I talked about how boys like girls boobs and asses, but eventually get over it. Though I can't show the video footage, here's an extract from the script:
"This is what will draw the pubescent mind: flesh, humps, figure. This is all a boy is interested in at first… but then you start to get past that. You move away from this girl's curvature, and move up, down, left and right. You start to look at her face, and her hair, and her arms and her legs. Those initial pleasures will still entice you elsewhere. You'll always be checking out the scenery, seeing what's in store -- looking at the other girls -- but this one girl will entice you just that little bit more.
You'll start to look at her facial qualities: her mouth, her nose, her eyes. The eyes are pure magic. They sparkle; they have a dance of their own. One glance from her will fill you with joy for a week! You'll run around telling your friends: "she looked at me! In science, I saw her! She looked at me!" She was just looking at the periodic table behind you---- "bullshit! It was me! I'm the only element she needs!" Then you'll hear her speak… her voice drives you insane. Every time she speaks, you don't just hear words; you hear lyrics tuned to a melody. Anything that comes out her mouth is worth listening to just for the music! You'll want her to answer all the questions; you'll want her to read all her work out; you'll want her to get constipation or a weak bladder just so she'll ask to go to the toilet.
And every time she does open her mouth, you will stop everything you are doing and listen like you've never listened before! Men may not be good listeners when a woman is talking to them; but when a woman is talking around them, flip goes the notepad and click goes the pen! You need information; you need intel! And you'll remember everything about her! Everything! You'll know what classes she has, when she has each class, where she sits down, who she sits with, her height, her weight, the colour of her panties on a Tuesday; everything."
Special Provocations, performed 19th September 2011
Whether you find it funny or not, that's what I thought back then, and it's still what I think now. There is also a direct reference to how misogynistic some of the material may sound right before that:
"...the girls here probably aren't going to find what I'm about to say funny at all, and the guys are probably going to be laughing for all the wrong reasons, but hey: if sexist dogma and dick jokes pass for 'humour', then let me humour you."I'm clearly aware of the fact that women are people; the objectification was only temporary. Again, yes, I invaded Lucy's privacy by publishing these entries, but that wasn't because I thought of her as an object I could talk about at will; it was due to my social ignorance and failure to recognise the full consequences of my actions.
"Before that week, especially when I liked you, the thoughts were opposite: you were anything but an object. Physically attractive, yes, but you were smart and insightful. We talked about politics and social issues; we talked about things that dumb blonde sluts don't talk about, or think about :P We both wrote things, we both played games, we both took interest in the world; we shared common ground, and that's why I liked you so much. Your body became less and less important with each conversation -- how could I be drawn by it if I couldn't even see it?"Damn fuckin' right. I wasn't talking to Lucy just to get into her pants; I really, really liked her. As far as I'm concerned, the feelings were so strong that I loved her. Perhaps this love wasn't as strong as it was for Sally nor Bella, but, from my first lengthy Facebook conversation with Lucy to the time I found out she wasn't interested, I woke up incredibly happy every single day. And it was all because I knew I might get to talk to her, all because I could dream about us together, all because I had feelings for her that meant something to me and that came from my heart. Granted, they're no longer there and we're just friends now, but those feelings were definitely there for a while, and they were very strong, whatever you wanna call it.
"After I found out you didn't like me back, that went; but seeing you every single day got me attracted again, in the wrong way."Not the 'wrong' way, just in a more superficial, less heartfelt way. Again, I'm beating myself up according to some super-conservative morality I've just pulled out of my ass in a panic due to my remorse.
I saw you in a different light, seeing your body and ignoring your other facets, which lead to a misconstrued picture of who you actually are. I apologise for that, because it isn'tIt cuts off here. I remember writing this while I was supposed to be getting ready for a birthday party I was invited to, where both Lucy and my ex would be. I wanted to finish this before she got there on the off-chance she'd see it beforehand, but I couldn't finish it fast enough. My mum was even yelling at me to get ready (she had somewhere to go too), but I didn't give a fuck—this was more important. We both ended up arriving late at our respective destinations due to my attempts to complete this in time. I can't remember what I was gonna write after this, but it would have went along the same apologetic lines.
This was an emotional response, and I can now look back at it with a clear head, commenting on it with reason. I've obviously come a long way since I wrote all this stuff, and can look back on it now and laugh a little—I even wanna make fun of it in my amended version of the stand-up special I mentioned earlier.
I felt a little uneasy going through this, but I'm alright now that I've finished reading it and going through it. The uneasy feeling is partly because I'm actually going to Lucy's birthday
Speaking of feeling bad, the reason I felt awful wasn't really due to Lucy's comments—they were reasoned, and while they were honest, they were not abrasive nor cruel. Another guy who went on the Schoolies trip also commented, and while he, too, criticised what I did, he also did so in a reasoned manner that didn't hurt my feelings.
There was another guy, however, who left five comment blocks worth of his opinion. This guy didn't go on the trip, he isn't close friends with me, and he didn't even read the entirety of the articles, but still felt the need to 'school' me on how I should approach girls, talk about other people and such. He was a self-righteous cunt in each and every comment, and reading them made me feel like a fucking dog. He went beyond mere criticism; he asserted his supposed social superiority and belittled me to the point where I felt worthless for months. For what I did, I'd say I deserved to feel bad for one-to-two weeks tops—yes, I made a mistake, but I realised my wrongdoings pretty quickly. What needed to be said had already been fucking said by Lucy and the other guy; this dude just reiterated what they'd posted in a condescending manner. He even felt the need to defend himself in relation to the after-party (seeing as he was the guy talking to Sally, which made me rethink that whole thing)—I never even attacked the fucking guy! Male defence mechanism in action right there :P
This guy commented after both Lucy and the other guy, and his arrogant, pseudo-intellecual tone, combined with the sheer volume of his comments (when he'd only read some of what I wrote, no less), shattered me for far longer than I deserved. I thought, seeing as he had so much to say on so little of what I wrote, that what he didn't read must have been just as bad (which it wasn't), and that I should feel abhorrent for my crime against humanity. He made misassumptions left, right, and centre, too. I don't hold anything against him now, but seriously, it was so fucking uncalled for now that I look back. I'd learned my lesson, and these comments went far beyond reasoned, critical commentary, nor were they funny. I'm partly to blame for not being up to the task of recognising this arrogance in the first place, but I still feel he is mostly to blame for the length of my depression.
S'all good now though. I don't regret going on the trip, nor writing what I did; and while the publishing was a dumbass idea, at least I learned something from it, and got an interesting story to tell. That's how I've gotta look at life: if I fuck up, it's five more minutes of material I can use to entertain the masses.
Off to sleep nao :)
Saturday, 1 December 2012
Fantasising: Let's Try This Again, Shall We?
Last time I wrote an entry about fantasising, I dun goofed by referring to specific people I dreamed of fucking. Let's not do that this time :P
I still love fantasising about girls—brings about the best orgasms by a mile, and it's just a lot of fun :) After some of the responses to my aforementioned blog entries, I thought ill of it for a while, but I eventually came to the conclusion that it was the publication of the writing that was the mistake, not the fantasising, or even the writing itself. The fantasising and writing were activities that only involved me and didn't affect other people, not until the writing was made public. What's wrong with fantasising about a friend of yours? Nothing, not with the fantasising alone. If it leads you to think differently of them in the real world, then those are just consequences you have to deal with as a result of your own actions, but so long as you don't over-indulge, it should be fine. And writing about them? Getting a little involved and perhaps a little obsessive, but so long as you don't reveal it to the world, no one's the wiser (unless people somehow find it, even though you've kept it secret... >.>).
I've thought about a few moral dilemmas surrounding this, though, and they don't seem to have black-and-white answers, the truth being dependant upon several variables. First off, let's assume I'm in a committed relationship with a woman. Is it right for me to masturbate to the thought of anyone else? Forget 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife"; let's take a more logical, humanistic approach :P If I love my partner, then surely that love will survive my fantasising about other women. If I see a chick in the street who's just fucking gorgeous, and I go home and masturbate to the thought of her, have I cheated? No, because I'm still faithful to my partner in practice. The mind is subjected to all kinds of thoughts, and you can't control what it conjures up sometimes. If I have a choice between A) masturbating to the thought of this random hot chick, B) trying to make a move on the hot chick in spite of my relationship because she's just that fuckin' hot, or C) repressing my sexuality and possibly damaging myself psychologically, or worse, risking taking out this sexual frustration on my partner in any way, I'ma go with Option A :P
What about if you fantasise about young teens or kids? Again, if it hurts no one else, it's not a problem—that's the basis for humanism right there—but you're, like, one fuckin' step away from being a sex offender. You're definitely skating on thin ice. And, if it is indeed wrong to fantasise about people way younger than you, when is it wrong to stop fantasising about certain age groups? What is the youngest person someone should be sexually desiring? If you found out that a sixteen-year-old fantasised about a fourteen year old, you'd be like "eh, whatever", but if a forty-year-old did it, alarm bells would go right the fuck off.
I have a school uniform fetish (not really a hardcore fetish, but I find some girls in school uniform are sexier than I'd otherwise find em)—at what point will that become creepy? Is it already creepy? I'm nineteen, and schoolgirls can be eighteen, so even if I was dating a schoolgirl, it could well be reasonable depending on the age gap; but, what about when I'm twenty? Twenty-five? Thirty? Thirty-five? Forty? Fifty? When does it stop being appropriate to dream about being hit on by horny schoolgirls? Is it ever wrong? Who knows.
I also don't know what it is about the school uniform that turns me on so much. It can't just be any old uniform, either; it's gotta show a little here and there. The skirt's gotta be shorter than average, but still not so short that I can see her ass. And she's gotta have a blouse, not a blazer or a jumper or a jacket or anything. I guess it's more the implications: the girl is young, just starting to explore her hormones and sexual desires, or maybe already exploring them and really enjoying it, knowing she can seduce boys at will and make them feel good too. There's just an innocence about the uniform and the school system itself that seems to juxtapose with lust and sexual activity in a way that excites me, like it's breaking the rules even though it really isn't. I mean, if I had a girlfriend (or even a one night stand) and the girl asked me what turned me on, this would be at the top of my list. I can't imagine how fucking pent up I'd get if I ever got to live out that fantasy :P
That's something else I've noticed: the sex in my head is getting a little rougher, and I'm less averse to rougher porn now. I hate videos where the girl is just getting ravaged and is evidently in pain—that stuff is fucking horrible to watch—but if the girl likes it a little hard (I don't mean she pretends to like it; I mean she actually likes it), it's hot. I guess some women like that assertiveness or control of the situation from the guy... I can't be sure. Could be a simple physical thing too where the nerves are more stimulated the harder you thrust into her, or more nerves are stimulated in the first place.
I just love it when the girl enjoys the sex—that's the staple for me. A girl saying 'yes, yes!' over and over, when you can tell through her inflection that she means it, that is the hottest fucking thing she could ever do. When she's having fun and is fully immersed in the act, just as horny as I am, it's just better that way. Sex with a partner is, by its very nature, a mutual thing, so if one person isn't enjoying it, the other probably won't either, at least the way I see it. When I combine the enjoyment with a slow increase in stroke rate, starting off nice and slow, more touchy-feely and kissy-huggy than anything else, and eventually building up to a nice, strong thrust that's fast enough for her to really feel it, it's a pretty awesome thing to imagine ^_^ To be honest, I recreate this in my head in a pretty cliché fashion: the typical "Fuck me daddy"/"Yes, baby!"/Oh God, yes!"/That feels so good!" exclamations, her moaning in pleasure the entire time, mutual orgasms, comments about how she likes how warm my cum is inside of her—stuff right out of a porno, lol.
That's the thing I've gotta realise: sex isn't like this, not in its entirety, and even the individual elements of the fantasy won't show all the time. I mean, first off, I can impress any girl in my fantasies; in reality, I have no skill whatsoever :P When I have my first time, I'll have to deal with an oversensitive dickhead and the fact that I'll probably cum before I'm even all the way inside her. I have to deal with making sure I'm not hurting her and that she's comfortable (which could be rather difficult, given how bony my pelvis is). Eventually, I can start having some real fun, sure, but the first few times, it's gonna be over before the fun can even begin :P And even then, these fantasies are completely unrealistic recreations of anything but the greatest sex ever. She isn't gonna moan in pleasure every time I thrust into her, she probably isn't gonna be calling me 'daddy' and exclaiming how much she loves what I'm doing (at least the chances of any of that happening are far lower), and like fuck am I cumming inside her, or even fucking her unprotected in the first place—I have brains that stop me from making dumbass mistakes like that :P
Even the lead-up to the sex is fun to visualise. It always starts out in a different way, though some things don't change. Like, it could be at a house party, a club, my house, uni, one of many places; but it's almost always with a girl I'm only just meeting in the fantasy. It's rare I picture myself having sex with someone I've been with for ages—sometimes I do, sometimes I like to indulge in that sex between two people who just love each other heaps and wanna express that physically—but I usually take the more lustful route in fantasy-land. I started writing how my fantasies go, but it made me... yeah, so I stopped :P I will finish it, just not in this entry, cos I don't want this particular one to be full of smut—that can go in its own entry. Was pretty fun to write though :)
Speaking of smut, I've recently gotten into erotica, or written porn. It's like that middleground between it being someone else's fantasy, but you still have to do all the work of visualising it in your head. It's pretty cool and I wish I'd gotten in on it sooner. I only dabble in it a little bit, and I only seem to like stories where the guy loses his virginity, seeing as they're usually all about how he's in over his head and just amazed by what's going on. The site I use has lots of incest stories, which is a little weird. But still, once you find a good story, it sucks you right in. There's this one story where this fifteen year old boy starts seeing this thirteen year old at the beach, but she looks a lot older than she actually is; he thinks she's around his age. He starts talking to her, they make out one day, then he feels her up the next day, but she stops him. Next day, she starts blowing him, but she has to leave before he cums (fucking miraculous :P). The next night, he goes to her house, they go to a park, and she blows him again, this time with him cumming in her mouth. They, of course, just laugh it off—makes perfect sense :P She eventually has him over again, and she shows him this sex tape her parents made. That gets them horny then they fuck each other, with her in a little bit of pain but still liking it. To finish it all off, he, of course, cums inside her (though, upon re-reading the story, he had a condom on, so it's a non-issue).
There's the last thing I wanna talk about: cum. Or is it 'come'? Is 'come' the formal version? Or is it actually spelled 'cum' when you're talking about the act of ejaculation, or semen itself? I can't work it out. I always thought it was like 'fuk' instead of 'fuck' or '4' instead of 'for', but I have no real idea anymore. Lenny Bruce's bit he wrote back in the 50's about the word is titled 'To is a Preposition; Come is a Verb', so it's spelled like the regular word 'come' there, but has it changed to 'cum' since? Or is 'cum' just a popular alternative?
And what is it about cumming inside a girl's mouth, pussy, or ass that's so satisfying? I say this as a guy who fantasises about that very act. Why pull out? Pregnancy and STD's don't exist in my mind! I want to let it all out while inside her, no condom or anything, just release all of it into her body. Is it another assertion thing? Do girls like that? I guess some do and some don't, but even to me, it seems kinda gross. When I imagine myself cumming into a girl's body (or when I'm watching it/reading about it), it feels amazing to visualise, and I can't explain why. It's just this huge surge of energy, then all this warm, sticky stuff just makes its way from one person to the other... then it's just... there... sitting there, all... icky. I've watched cumshots and creampies when horny and been wrapped up in it, but after the fact, it honestly looks disgusting. Semen doesn't exactly smell nice either, and, of course, can initiate pregnancy and carry diseases; anyone can understand why some women wanna avoid it on them or in them at all costs. It's crazy the changes your mind goes through during sexual practices, at least compared to how you'd normally see things.
Who cares, though. So long as it's fun, safe, and consensual, that's all that matters :)
I still love fantasising about girls—brings about the best orgasms by a mile, and it's just a lot of fun :) After some of the responses to my aforementioned blog entries, I thought ill of it for a while, but I eventually came to the conclusion that it was the publication of the writing that was the mistake, not the fantasising, or even the writing itself. The fantasising and writing were activities that only involved me and didn't affect other people, not until the writing was made public. What's wrong with fantasising about a friend of yours? Nothing, not with the fantasising alone. If it leads you to think differently of them in the real world, then those are just consequences you have to deal with as a result of your own actions, but so long as you don't over-indulge, it should be fine. And writing about them? Getting a little involved and perhaps a little obsessive, but so long as you don't reveal it to the world, no one's the wiser (unless people somehow find it, even though you've kept it secret... >.>).
I've thought about a few moral dilemmas surrounding this, though, and they don't seem to have black-and-white answers, the truth being dependant upon several variables. First off, let's assume I'm in a committed relationship with a woman. Is it right for me to masturbate to the thought of anyone else? Forget 'Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife"; let's take a more logical, humanistic approach :P If I love my partner, then surely that love will survive my fantasising about other women. If I see a chick in the street who's just fucking gorgeous, and I go home and masturbate to the thought of her, have I cheated? No, because I'm still faithful to my partner in practice. The mind is subjected to all kinds of thoughts, and you can't control what it conjures up sometimes. If I have a choice between A) masturbating to the thought of this random hot chick, B) trying to make a move on the hot chick in spite of my relationship because she's just that fuckin' hot, or C) repressing my sexuality and possibly damaging myself psychologically, or worse, risking taking out this sexual frustration on my partner in any way, I'ma go with Option A :P
What about if you fantasise about young teens or kids? Again, if it hurts no one else, it's not a problem—that's the basis for humanism right there—but you're, like, one fuckin' step away from being a sex offender. You're definitely skating on thin ice. And, if it is indeed wrong to fantasise about people way younger than you, when is it wrong to stop fantasising about certain age groups? What is the youngest person someone should be sexually desiring? If you found out that a sixteen-year-old fantasised about a fourteen year old, you'd be like "eh, whatever", but if a forty-year-old did it, alarm bells would go right the fuck off.
I have a school uniform fetish (not really a hardcore fetish, but I find some girls in school uniform are sexier than I'd otherwise find em)—at what point will that become creepy? Is it already creepy? I'm nineteen, and schoolgirls can be eighteen, so even if I was dating a schoolgirl, it could well be reasonable depending on the age gap; but, what about when I'm twenty? Twenty-five? Thirty? Thirty-five? Forty? Fifty? When does it stop being appropriate to dream about being hit on by horny schoolgirls? Is it ever wrong? Who knows.
I also don't know what it is about the school uniform that turns me on so much. It can't just be any old uniform, either; it's gotta show a little here and there. The skirt's gotta be shorter than average, but still not so short that I can see her ass. And she's gotta have a blouse, not a blazer or a jumper or a jacket or anything. I guess it's more the implications: the girl is young, just starting to explore her hormones and sexual desires, or maybe already exploring them and really enjoying it, knowing she can seduce boys at will and make them feel good too. There's just an innocence about the uniform and the school system itself that seems to juxtapose with lust and sexual activity in a way that excites me, like it's breaking the rules even though it really isn't. I mean, if I had a girlfriend (or even a one night stand) and the girl asked me what turned me on, this would be at the top of my list. I can't imagine how fucking pent up I'd get if I ever got to live out that fantasy :P
That's something else I've noticed: the sex in my head is getting a little rougher, and I'm less averse to rougher porn now. I hate videos where the girl is just getting ravaged and is evidently in pain—that stuff is fucking horrible to watch—but if the girl likes it a little hard (I don't mean she pretends to like it; I mean she actually likes it), it's hot. I guess some women like that assertiveness or control of the situation from the guy... I can't be sure. Could be a simple physical thing too where the nerves are more stimulated the harder you thrust into her, or more nerves are stimulated in the first place.
I just love it when the girl enjoys the sex—that's the staple for me. A girl saying 'yes, yes!' over and over, when you can tell through her inflection that she means it, that is the hottest fucking thing she could ever do. When she's having fun and is fully immersed in the act, just as horny as I am, it's just better that way. Sex with a partner is, by its very nature, a mutual thing, so if one person isn't enjoying it, the other probably won't either, at least the way I see it. When I combine the enjoyment with a slow increase in stroke rate, starting off nice and slow, more touchy-feely and kissy-huggy than anything else, and eventually building up to a nice, strong thrust that's fast enough for her to really feel it, it's a pretty awesome thing to imagine ^_^ To be honest, I recreate this in my head in a pretty cliché fashion: the typical "Fuck me daddy"/"Yes, baby!"/Oh God, yes!"/That feels so good!" exclamations, her moaning in pleasure the entire time, mutual orgasms, comments about how she likes how warm my cum is inside of her—stuff right out of a porno, lol.
That's the thing I've gotta realise: sex isn't like this, not in its entirety, and even the individual elements of the fantasy won't show all the time. I mean, first off, I can impress any girl in my fantasies; in reality, I have no skill whatsoever :P When I have my first time, I'll have to deal with an oversensitive dickhead and the fact that I'll probably cum before I'm even all the way inside her. I have to deal with making sure I'm not hurting her and that she's comfortable (which could be rather difficult, given how bony my pelvis is). Eventually, I can start having some real fun, sure, but the first few times, it's gonna be over before the fun can even begin :P And even then, these fantasies are completely unrealistic recreations of anything but the greatest sex ever. She isn't gonna moan in pleasure every time I thrust into her, she probably isn't gonna be calling me 'daddy' and exclaiming how much she loves what I'm doing (at least the chances of any of that happening are far lower), and like fuck am I cumming inside her, or even fucking her unprotected in the first place—I have brains that stop me from making dumbass mistakes like that :P
Even the lead-up to the sex is fun to visualise. It always starts out in a different way, though some things don't change. Like, it could be at a house party, a club, my house, uni, one of many places; but it's almost always with a girl I'm only just meeting in the fantasy. It's rare I picture myself having sex with someone I've been with for ages—sometimes I do, sometimes I like to indulge in that sex between two people who just love each other heaps and wanna express that physically—but I usually take the more lustful route in fantasy-land. I started writing how my fantasies go, but it made me... yeah, so I stopped :P I will finish it, just not in this entry, cos I don't want this particular one to be full of smut—that can go in its own entry. Was pretty fun to write though :)
Speaking of smut, I've recently gotten into erotica, or written porn. It's like that middleground between it being someone else's fantasy, but you still have to do all the work of visualising it in your head. It's pretty cool and I wish I'd gotten in on it sooner. I only dabble in it a little bit, and I only seem to like stories where the guy loses his virginity, seeing as they're usually all about how he's in over his head and just amazed by what's going on. The site I use has lots of incest stories, which is a little weird. But still, once you find a good story, it sucks you right in. There's this one story where this fifteen year old boy starts seeing this thirteen year old at the beach, but she looks a lot older than she actually is; he thinks she's around his age. He starts talking to her, they make out one day, then he feels her up the next day, but she stops him. Next day, she starts blowing him, but she has to leave before he cums (fucking miraculous :P). The next night, he goes to her house, they go to a park, and she blows him again, this time with him cumming in her mouth. They, of course, just laugh it off—makes perfect sense :P She eventually has him over again, and she shows him this sex tape her parents made. That gets them horny then they fuck each other, with her in a little bit of pain but still liking it. To finish it all off, he, of course, cums inside her (though, upon re-reading the story, he had a condom on, so it's a non-issue).
There's the last thing I wanna talk about: cum. Or is it 'come'? Is 'come' the formal version? Or is it actually spelled 'cum' when you're talking about the act of ejaculation, or semen itself? I can't work it out. I always thought it was like 'fuk' instead of 'fuck' or '4' instead of 'for', but I have no real idea anymore. Lenny Bruce's bit he wrote back in the 50's about the word is titled 'To is a Preposition; Come is a Verb', so it's spelled like the regular word 'come' there, but has it changed to 'cum' since? Or is 'cum' just a popular alternative?
And what is it about cumming inside a girl's mouth, pussy, or ass that's so satisfying? I say this as a guy who fantasises about that very act. Why pull out? Pregnancy and STD's don't exist in my mind! I want to let it all out while inside her, no condom or anything, just release all of it into her body. Is it another assertion thing? Do girls like that? I guess some do and some don't, but even to me, it seems kinda gross. When I imagine myself cumming into a girl's body (or when I'm watching it/reading about it), it feels amazing to visualise, and I can't explain why. It's just this huge surge of energy, then all this warm, sticky stuff just makes its way from one person to the other... then it's just... there... sitting there, all... icky. I've watched cumshots and creampies when horny and been wrapped up in it, but after the fact, it honestly looks disgusting. Semen doesn't exactly smell nice either, and, of course, can initiate pregnancy and carry diseases; anyone can understand why some women wanna avoid it on them or in them at all costs. It's crazy the changes your mind goes through during sexual practices, at least compared to how you'd normally see things.
Who cares, though. So long as it's fun, safe, and consensual, that's all that matters :)
Social Relativism: A Stimulating Depressant
I was reading a friend's blog where she described going to this club and kissing this guy. The post was pretty long (I don't seem to be the only one who overthinks things like this :P), but upon reading it, I felt kind of uneasy—not because it was disgusting or visceral (cos it wasn't), but because it was another one of those moments where I read about someone doing something I see as mature and thinking "Man, I am so behind". That seems to be what sets me off: people doing things I think are beyond my social capabilities, things that take responsibility and a higher risk threshold. The kissing by itself doesn't take a whole lot of anything, but the whole set-up (going to a club that's probably 18+ only, being around alcohol and people who are consuming it, loud music and dancing, kissing a stranger) is something I see as pushing my limits. It's not this scary to most, but it seems daunting to me, only because I haven't done it. I know that if I went to a club like this, I'd probably be fine, but I'd still feel a little nervous given the unfamiliar surroundings. I guess even though I know I'll eventually adjust to it given prolonged exposure, picturing it freaks me out a little.
But that's part of what makes me want to do it: the part that says "Go on, do it. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker. Dive in. Who knows what will happen?". I received a comment on another post that described my social awkwardness, where the commenter basically said that I should just do things I'm comfortable with, accepting who I am and being social in my own way, rather than just doing what everyone else does. Thing is, I don't want to do these things because I see other's doing them; I want to do them because what they're doing looks enjoyable. Yes, I am somewhat motivated to do these things because I see other's doing it, but the motivation comes from my own analysis of the pictures and stories I see, me coming to my own conclusion that, yes, I would like to see how these things are. My desire to get out and about has certainly taken its fucking time, but it's here now, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
What I have to avoid, though, is bringing logic into this equation. Like, anywhere :P A big part of me wanting to get into these environments is my mindset—if it's positive, I'm all for it; but if it's negative, I can talk myself out of anything, using pseudo-logic to justify my stances. So long as I'm comfortable, I should be fine—my Year 10 Formal was proof of this, and I'm sure I can recreate that feeling so long as I'm engrossed in the music and the dancing and the social... ness. Pushing myself to talk to new people will always be a little hard, but if I'm comfortable, I should have the confidence to do so. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll make up any old excuse to back out: "I'll have nothing to say", or "I'll make an ass of myself", or "They'll think I'm ugly", or "They're above me; they wouldn't want to associate themselves with me", or whatever else.
Obviously, common sense should always be around to guide me away from really stupid decisions—"Yeah, let's not drink that given you don't know who the fuck is giving it to you", and "I know she looks nice, but maybe we should turn down the offer for a blowjob given the pustules around her mouth." I have to be on my toes, most certainly; but I also have to be able to lose myself in the moment when I'm fairly sure it's safe, so I don't overthink things, just going with the flow instead. I guess I know those skills aren't really there for me yet and that I need to develop them, become better at recognising danger and identifying safety. I'll probably continue to avoid alcohol completely (eating habits make drinking a lot more dangerous), but I think that's fine, and I don't really wanna drink it anyway. I'd rather change the world around me for the better than just change my own perception of it, even in small instances like these ones.
My friend's entry also got me thinking because I've dreamed about doing the exact same thing as she did: eyeing someone on the dancefloor, starting to dance with them, coming closer and closer together, then making the move to kiss them, making out with them. That's been a dream of mine for at least a year, if not more; this shows without a doubt that it can happen. I'm not saying it'll happen the first time I go to a club or a party or whatever, but the possibility of it happening at some point does indeed exist.
My response to what I read was mixed in that half of me was like "Day-um! That's insane!" and half of me was like "...why can't I be like you? :( ". The part that fucked with me head the most was where she said it was "okay"—I'm like "seriously? Fuckin' okay?" I'd think that was the best thing to happen to me in years! Granted, kissing isn't automatically 'good'—their technique could suck, they could have some disease and give it to you—but I'd be happy just knowing there was a girl in that building willing to kiss me. I'd feel like I was on top of the fucking world. Thing is, our standards are clearly different because she's more social than I am—this is another thing that makes me think I'm behind everyone else, lol.
The main problem here is still a lack of social connections that means I can't actually go to any of these things, so I'm 'safe' for now (in that lame-ass way that means you're stuck in your room playing Tetris all the time :P). I do actually have one friend who has never even had a boyfriend, let alone kissed or fucked, so I'm lucky enough to be able to go "well, it could be worse...", but I still wanna move things forward here (uh oh, now I sound like a Labor ad : / ). My mum's been talking about taking me to this tennis club where they serve drinks, telling me lots of uni students go there, so that sounds like a good opportunity. I still have an inconsistent attitude in that when I think about the good that could come of it, I'm like "fuck yeah, let's go!", but when I think about how scary it is, I'm like "nnnaaahhh, I don't need to meet people... I'll just... keep playing mah Nintendo... yeah... no no, it's k, it's k, Nintendo keeps me happy, it's all good...". Again, I'm not expecting to instantly become sociable, and who knows, it could totally suck ass and I might never want to go again, but I still wanna try, or at least some of me wants to try.
Oh, and to round off, here's something for a laugh: I'm now realising that, from a certain perspective, I'm extremely lucky to have never made out with a girl or gotten into any sexual encounter with one. First off, I have phimosis (extended foreskin), so I can't have sex yet because I can't pull my foreskin behind the head of my cock. It's easily fixed from what I've read and been told, but I haven't fixed it yet. Put it this way: if I actually had ended up getting down and dirty with either of the two girls I wanted to fuck at my Year 12 Formal, they would have taken one look at my dick and been somewhat disappointed :P I have to say, the only thing I can think of that's more embarrassing than writing about how you wanted to fuck certain girls in your year, and having one of those girls find that writing, would be to almost fuck 'em, only to discover that you couldn't because you were born with a little defect, now sitting naked and helpless with a girl you'd only just gotten to know. Ouch.
On top of that, I also have ankyloglossia (tongue-tied—my tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth). I figured that would make kissing a little harder, especially when I found out you actually had to stick your tongue in the other person's mouth (rather than just wiggle it around randomly, or whatever it was that I'd previously thought), but I only just realised it'll make cunnilingus a lot more tricky too, penetration being much harder. I guess I can finger them at the same time, and, if worst comes to worst, you can have the connection snipped by a doctor, but still... boy oh boy, am I working with some disadvantages right now :P
But that's part of what makes me want to do it: the part that says "Go on, do it. I dare you. I double-dare you, motherfucker. Dive in. Who knows what will happen?". I received a comment on another post that described my social awkwardness, where the commenter basically said that I should just do things I'm comfortable with, accepting who I am and being social in my own way, rather than just doing what everyone else does. Thing is, I don't want to do these things because I see other's doing them; I want to do them because what they're doing looks enjoyable. Yes, I am somewhat motivated to do these things because I see other's doing it, but the motivation comes from my own analysis of the pictures and stories I see, me coming to my own conclusion that, yes, I would like to see how these things are. My desire to get out and about has certainly taken its fucking time, but it's here now, and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
What I have to avoid, though, is bringing logic into this equation. Like, anywhere :P A big part of me wanting to get into these environments is my mindset—if it's positive, I'm all for it; but if it's negative, I can talk myself out of anything, using pseudo-logic to justify my stances. So long as I'm comfortable, I should be fine—my Year 10 Formal was proof of this, and I'm sure I can recreate that feeling so long as I'm engrossed in the music and the dancing and the social... ness. Pushing myself to talk to new people will always be a little hard, but if I'm comfortable, I should have the confidence to do so. If I'm uncomfortable, I'll make up any old excuse to back out: "I'll have nothing to say", or "I'll make an ass of myself", or "They'll think I'm ugly", or "They're above me; they wouldn't want to associate themselves with me", or whatever else.
Obviously, common sense should always be around to guide me away from really stupid decisions—"Yeah, let's not drink that given you don't know who the fuck is giving it to you", and "I know she looks nice, but maybe we should turn down the offer for a blowjob given the pustules around her mouth." I have to be on my toes, most certainly; but I also have to be able to lose myself in the moment when I'm fairly sure it's safe, so I don't overthink things, just going with the flow instead. I guess I know those skills aren't really there for me yet and that I need to develop them, become better at recognising danger and identifying safety. I'll probably continue to avoid alcohol completely (eating habits make drinking a lot more dangerous), but I think that's fine, and I don't really wanna drink it anyway. I'd rather change the world around me for the better than just change my own perception of it, even in small instances like these ones.
My friend's entry also got me thinking because I've dreamed about doing the exact same thing as she did: eyeing someone on the dancefloor, starting to dance with them, coming closer and closer together, then making the move to kiss them, making out with them. That's been a dream of mine for at least a year, if not more; this shows without a doubt that it can happen. I'm not saying it'll happen the first time I go to a club or a party or whatever, but the possibility of it happening at some point does indeed exist.
My response to what I read was mixed in that half of me was like "Day-um! That's insane!" and half of me was like "...why can't I be like you? :( ". The part that fucked with me head the most was where she said it was "okay"—I'm like "seriously? Fuckin' okay?" I'd think that was the best thing to happen to me in years! Granted, kissing isn't automatically 'good'—their technique could suck, they could have some disease and give it to you—but I'd be happy just knowing there was a girl in that building willing to kiss me. I'd feel like I was on top of the fucking world. Thing is, our standards are clearly different because she's more social than I am—this is another thing that makes me think I'm behind everyone else, lol.
The main problem here is still a lack of social connections that means I can't actually go to any of these things, so I'm 'safe' for now (in that lame-ass way that means you're stuck in your room playing Tetris all the time :P). I do actually have one friend who has never even had a boyfriend, let alone kissed or fucked, so I'm lucky enough to be able to go "well, it could be worse...", but I still wanna move things forward here (uh oh, now I sound like a Labor ad : / ). My mum's been talking about taking me to this tennis club where they serve drinks, telling me lots of uni students go there, so that sounds like a good opportunity. I still have an inconsistent attitude in that when I think about the good that could come of it, I'm like "fuck yeah, let's go!", but when I think about how scary it is, I'm like "nnnaaahhh, I don't need to meet people... I'll just... keep playing mah Nintendo... yeah... no no, it's k, it's k, Nintendo keeps me happy, it's all good...". Again, I'm not expecting to instantly become sociable, and who knows, it could totally suck ass and I might never want to go again, but I still wanna try, or at least some of me wants to try.
Oh, and to round off, here's something for a laugh: I'm now realising that, from a certain perspective, I'm extremely lucky to have never made out with a girl or gotten into any sexual encounter with one. First off, I have phimosis (extended foreskin), so I can't have sex yet because I can't pull my foreskin behind the head of my cock. It's easily fixed from what I've read and been told, but I haven't fixed it yet. Put it this way: if I actually had ended up getting down and dirty with either of the two girls I wanted to fuck at my Year 12 Formal, they would have taken one look at my dick and been somewhat disappointed :P I have to say, the only thing I can think of that's more embarrassing than writing about how you wanted to fuck certain girls in your year, and having one of those girls find that writing, would be to almost fuck 'em, only to discover that you couldn't because you were born with a little defect, now sitting naked and helpless with a girl you'd only just gotten to know. Ouch.
On top of that, I also have ankyloglossia (tongue-tied—my tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth). I figured that would make kissing a little harder, especially when I found out you actually had to stick your tongue in the other person's mouth (rather than just wiggle it around randomly, or whatever it was that I'd previously thought), but I only just realised it'll make cunnilingus a lot more tricky too, penetration being much harder. I guess I can finger them at the same time, and, if worst comes to worst, you can have the connection snipped by a doctor, but still... boy oh boy, am I working with some disadvantages right now :P
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