Comedy Gigs, Part 3: A Bad Show

PERFORMANCE B: THE VAULT

So, while that was a good show, this one wasn't so good. Having now performed my monologue in its entirety, and having it received with overwhelming positivity, I felt as though I should be fine using that material for my upcoming performance at The Vault. The way I saw it, people who went to something like a cabaret would be smart—I figured they'd be freethinkers, fond of anything anti-conformist or anti-establishment. That's the perfect audience for my material, so I changed almost nothing.

I rocked up to the venue and went up to the desk to meet with the organisers. I spoke to the MC, and he got me to present the beginning and end of my act so he knew when to get ready to come back on-stage himself. He was a real oddball: his face was painted, highlighting his blank expression, and, by proxy, his deadpan voice. He said he would improvise his response to my material; in my mind, I'm like "Oh, better switch to improv mode!" The way I saw it, he was playing a sad clown, so I was like "I'd better pick a character to speak to him in, make him think I'm funny... um... eerr... :O I know, I'll act all pretentious!" He kept getting my name wrong—I figured he was just doing that on purpose as part of his character, but in retrospect, I don't think he was putting on an act. That meant, when he asked me a question, my fake-arrogant response of 'Well, if you identify me correctly, I guess I can answer that :)" probably came across as who I really was, rather than who I was pretending to be...

Yeah, great start: make the host think you're a total asshole :P

Anyway, I went into the dressing room. I was the only stand-up comedian, so I didn't have any comedy buddies to talk to (that's not to say none of the other acts were funny, just that it wasn't like the RAW competition in terms of performers). I shyly introduced myself, sat down, answered the few questions they asked about what I did, and receded into my shell. One performer came in and said she saw my RAW performance, complimenting me—this only reaffirmed the existing confidence I had in my material. Other than that, though, I really didn't say much. I didn't know what to say; I never really know what to say :P  The only thing I remember talking about was someone's microphone: she was talking to someone else about how the sound guy said the mic was 'mono', and how they thought that might mean the sound quality was worse, so I explained that 'mono' only meant there was one sound input (as opposed to 'stereo', which is two), and assured her that it wouldn't affect the sound quality. So I suppose you can't say I didn't take any opportunities to talk to someone, but that I only took the safest ones :P

(Note to self: work at audio store, seek out hot chicks who are having trouble, dazzle them with your l33t tech knowledge which isn't that l33t but they don't know that, and get laid)

I was also getting more nervous by the minute, checking the time far more frequently than I did at RAW. While the act before me was on, I went through my lines under my breath, shaking as per usual. Eventually, I went to the side of the stage, and was called on. Rather than being on the stage himself, the MC was projecting his head onto a moon-shaped screen above the stage (which is basically his shtick), and I only just realised this. I reacted to it vocally, but, of course, everyone else already knew, so they didn't care, did they :P  My reaction prompted the MC to go "Did you want to have a conversation?" to which I responded "Well, if you want to, we can :)". Again, in retrospect, I have doubts about his being in character at the time; I think he seriously wanted me to stop talking to him and get on with my act :P

Now I start my routine. The train joke gets almost no reaction—this is bad, as I've missed the best opportunity to gain the audience's confidence in my ability. But, alas! The almighty pornography joke is next! You know, that joke where I had to talk over the top of laughter to get to the end? So much for that: hardly anyone laughed at it. This is fucking with my confidence, and, though I'm not fully aware, this is making me appear nervous on-stage: I'm tilting my head towards the floor, making far less eye contact with the audience than at RAW (I never took my eye off them there), and I was speaking with less volume and less punch. This was going downhill fast.

Then I got to the gay marriage jokes. Upon mentioning our Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, who I was very clearly about to mock, someone in the audience said "Woo! Go Julia!" I almost stopped to respond, but what the hell am I supposed to say to that? If I'm about to take the piss out of someone, the build-up to this being obvious to anyone who's listening, and you praise the person I'm about to ridicule... what am I supposed to reply with other than "You're a fucking moron"? Not that I was super irritated, but it bewildered me that someone was dumb enough to say that given the risk they took of being mocked themselves in front of a crowd.

And, again, these jokes weren't received too well—given the porno stuff didn't go so well either, I was starting to think I was performing in front of conservatives (one of which seems to like our PM, who's technically a liberal... yeah >.>). At that point, I more or less concluded this gig wouldn't go so well, but I pressed on.

Next up, I made fun of the Federal Opposition Leader. Again, no real response. This gets to me even more: if they like Gillard, theoretically, they wouldn't like her opposition. I started to wonder: do these people know fucking anything about politics? I'm not exactly up on every issue under the sun, but these people don't seem to know, or care about, anything political whatsoever. Are they disillusioned with the political system, thinking they're above it all, believing it to be an illusion of civil freedom in terms of how their country is run? Or are they just plain retarded?

I eventually got onto the sex jokes; thankfully, these were received a little better than the first half. To my astonishment, I got a really good response to another line I thought had little comic value—a new line, in fact. When talking about the 'sleeping together' euphemism, I said the following:

"'Sleeping together'? Correct this virgin if he's wrong, but——"

-and I was cut off by laughter, just like last time. I then said something like "that's the best joke I have", and, to these people, this was evidently true :P  Incidentally, the line about fucking someone who's sleeping, which got me a surprise round of applause last time, got little-to-no response this time, even when I paused intentionally to let them laugh. My boost of confidence quickly came to an end.

When I got into the physical part where I rotated myself on all fours, I nearly slipped over, cos it was raining outside, meaning my shoes were wet. I don't even know if they laughed at that; I was beyond caring by this stage :P  I got to the end, said my goodbyes, and went back to the dressing room, very disappointed. I didn't know what went wrong, but something did. Was it the material? Was it my delivery? I didn't know.

The intermission followed my act. I went upstairs and found my mum and two others who came along to watch (I didn't even know there was an upstairs, meaning the few people up there must have felt super-excluded cos I never looked at them, lol). I remarked how disappointed I was, and kept wondering what exactly just happened. After the intermission, the MC came on-stage with some toy aeroplanes. He tied them to a rope, tied the rope to a helmet on his head, turned the planes on, and swung them around his head. I didn't really find it funny (I was hardly in the mood to laugh after my performance :P), but the audience laughed whenever he was hit, and cheered him on the whole way through.

At this point, I started to make sense of it: these people weren't interested in politics. They didn't care about social issues. They found more enjoyment in watching someone spin toy aeroplanes around their head than being intellectually provoked. A line in my act proved it, too: they laughed when I called myself a virgin, cos I was mocking myself. What did this mean for me? Well, I now knew: if I was to ever go back there, and if I wanted laughs, I'd have to focus more on self-depreciation (which isn't really a proble, cos anyone who reads this blog on a regular basis knows I'm a fucking pro at that shit :P). These people wanted to laugh at the suffering of the performers, and if that's what they want, that's what you have to give them, whether you like it or not. They're not there for you; you are there for them.

On a side note, there was a band playing throughout the night, and they rounded off the evening with some music. Each member of the band had an alias and a costume; the bass player was a chick called Serpentine, and from memory, she had on either a mask or face paint around her eyes. I looked at her quite a few times while they were playing, cos she was kinda hot :)  But, in addition to being chicken shit with women to begin with, I couldn't work out how to talk to her anyway. I mean, she was on-stage, so I couldn't interrupt her; I'd just performed like crap, so I haven't exactly marketed myself very well; and I've called myself a virgin, which, for a woman like her (I'd say she was a couple of years my elder) was probably a turn off. She also seemed kinda apathetic, which turns me off, but I still found her attractive, so I kept looking anyway. They called themselves 'The Elastic Waste Band'—problem is, there are other bands (famous ones) that go by this name , meaning I can't find anything on the internet about their actual names, their hometown, nothing. Given that I haven't really been attracted to someone in a while, it was kinda cool to feel that again, even if it wasn't very strong and it had no chance of going anywhere.

It was then time to leave. As I was leaving, four or five people came up to me and said I did a good job on-stage. And they weren't bullshitting, either; the smile on their faces when talking to me told me they were being honest. That was a relief: at least someone enjoyed it. One guy was amazed I was doing this at only nineteen, and he gave me lots of compliments—I guess, while you can't please all the people all the time, it's also pretty hard to please no one at all. What sucked was, I performed way better at RAW, but never spoke to the audience. Can you imagine how many compliments I missed? All for going out the wrong exit. Fuck :P

I was also paid for my work, which was a surprise cos I wasn't told I'd get moniez. Again, kinda ironic that I've been paid nothing to perform well, but I have been paid to perform poorly. What gives?

In retrospect, I don't think this audience was very bright. I've bombed before, and it sucks when it happens, but the previous times I've bombed, the material has been totally untested. This time, not only was the material tested, but it was the best monologue I've ever done, going off the first audience's reaction. Different people have different tastes in comedy, and there's nothing I can do about that; but some people are just too stupid to get the jokes, and I think that was a problem here. At least I know that now. But, as George Carlin once said (though I cannot find the exact quote anywhere):

"If material works one night, but doesn't work the next, it's them, not you."

Comedy Gigs, Part 2: A Good Show

PERFORMANCE A: RAW COMEDY COMPETITION

And that takes us to the performance night. I walk into the venue and ask the person at the counter where I need to go. They point me to my left, so I walk towards the tables. To my surprise, the person at the table closest recognised me—he was from my old high school, being in the year below mine. We sat down and talked, and it turned out this was his first performance. It was strange, sitting across from someone who had less relevant experience rather than more, given how infrequently I'm put in such a position, but it was also cool to be able to relate to him as a first-timer, a stand-up virgin if you will.

His curiosity on the subject led him to ask some questions. He asked how I felt when I first went on stage; I said was nervous as fuck, and shaking quite a bit. Realising you have no one else to rely on while you're up there is daunting. He asked if I was nervous; I said I wasn't, but that I would become nervous eventually, more and more so as my time to perform approached. He asked what my material was about, and I told him what my subject matter was. In asking him the same question, he told me his was a quite misanthropic routine, about how everything was horrible, how shitty our politics is, how he thought his parents were idiots, etc. I like dark comedy, so I thought we'd get along quite well.

We were then moved into the green room. This is where the nerves start for me, but at this point, it was mostly due to being around strangers; the worst was yet to come. The show coordinator asked if anyone wanted to go on first. I decided not to; the guy from my old high school took the plunge instead. He seemed very game for a newcomer. When they came back with the final running order, I was on last. This seems to be a pattern for me, cos I always go on last. I went on last at both my high school variety shows, I went on second-last at the previous RAW competition (which I have no blog entry for, but may write about later), and I went on last at this one too; and these were all running orders whose composition I had virtually no part in. I could make the obvious joke about saving the best till last, but if I was the best, I'd know by now :P

Someone from downstairs also came up and gave me a small can of Pringles, saying my mum bought them for me... cos if there's one thing a public speaker needs before going on stage, it's a salty snack to dry their throat. Maybe my mum's a professional troll and I just don't know :P  I should have mentioned that on stage, improvised a joke around it, but it only just occurred to me to do that (super-mega-ultra-delayed reaction, lol).

We were then read the rules (which I'd already read... you know, like we all should have :P), and were told if we went over five minutes, our mic would be cut (just as they said last year). She also said we couldn't use any offensive language. Given that my performance was rather graphic and profane (for effect, not just for the sake of it), I was like "What? At all?", to which the coordinator replied "if it's justified by context, yeah, but otherwise, no". I knew all my stuff was justified by context, so I wasn't worried. But when she left, the guy from my old school criticised the censorship policy. We got into a discussion about censorship, and it turns out our views on the subject were rather similar: we both disliked prohibitions on free speech, we both had little respect for political correctness, and we both thought (ie. knew :P) offence was entirely subjective. I was starting to like this dude :)

Continuing to speak with him, I learned that, much like me, he was a big fan of George Carlin, Bill Hicks, Lenny Bruce, Steve Hughes and the like. He also spoke very highly of Doug Stanhope, who I wasn't too familiar with, but had seen enough of to understand why he liked him so much. I went home and watched some Stanhope clips later that week—this only enhanced my appreciation for the guy (though Carlin and Hicks still reign supreme for me personally).

We spoke about the comedians, we spoke about liberalism, we spoke about the hypocrisy of Obama crying for the kids at Sandy Hook but continuing to order drone strikes in the Middle East; we just talked and talked. This is one thing I love about these competitions: I get to meet other comedians! My friends can crack jokes, but they're not into this like I am. They don't trawl YouTube looking for new stand-up vids, they don't see live shows, and they neither write nor perform material (though some of them think so fast on their feet that I swear they could do my job better than I can :P). These events are the only time I get to talk to other people who do what I do, and it feels amazing to share all this stuff that I don't normally get to talk about.

In last year's RAW competition, there was a semi-professional prop comic who'd performed in the United States, doing gigs at amateur comedy clubs in Manhattan. It was unreal not only to be talking to him about the profession, but for a semi-professional to be talking to an amateur like me without a hint of condescension. He was just as enthusiastic about comedy as I was, just with a little age/experience gap. Talking with the guy from my old high school (who I'm gonna have to give a pseudonym so I don't have to keep calling him that :P) was much the same, albeit with me as the 'experienced' one.

He had to leave not long after that, though, as the first half of the group to perform moved into a dressing room closer to the stage. The rest of us stayed, able to watch/listen to a feed of the stage in the green room. Problem is that, while you could clearly see the performer doing what they were doing, the audio was horrible. Instead of simply relaying the comedian's mic feed, the speaker seemed to relay the mic that was on the camera: the comic spoke, the speakers amplified their voice, and the camera recorded what the audience was hearing (as well as the audience themselves). It's the theatrical equivalent of holding a tape recorder to a boombox :P  So, of course, it was really hard to make out what the comedians were saying—we could only really discern between 'comic talking', 'audience responding' and 'silence'. They need to fix that shit. I have no experience in the field with A\V stuff and I could fix that shit. Come on :P

So, on goes the newcomer from my old school. His performance was just as misanthropic as he said it'd be: lots of references to suicide, hate, disdain, etc. As I mentioned, I love this kind of humour, so I laughed here and there (at the jokes I could make out :P), and he got a fair response from the audience, but the others in the green room didn't really laugh or say much. He did a lot better than I did when I first took the stage alone, so props to him for that. He came back and said he wanted to keep performing, that he didn't want to stop now that he'd gone on—I can kinda relate to that (it feels pretty fuckin' cool to have people laughing at what you're saying :D). In retrospective, after watching some more Stanhope clips on YouTube, the similarities between him and the guy from my old school became rather apparent, Stanhope's influence now even more evident than it was before.

The other performers went on too, but seeing as I couldn't understand what any of them were saying, I can't tell you what they spoke about. All we could evaluate was how much the audience liked them. There was one guy who bombed hard—first timer, wrote the material yesterday, 'it was on my bucket list' dude. I noticed that no one said anything about how hard he bombed; they only congratulated him for giving it a go. I mean, getting up in front of hundreds of people to tell jokes is tough to try out, don't get me wrong (if anyone should know that, it's me :P), and seeing as he's not pursuing this as a career path or anything, he doesn't really need the criticism; but it's just another example of how hard it is to deliver your judgement unto someone, even if your comments are constructive in nature. I don't exclude myself here, cos I didn't say anything either. But he had horrible material—even my friends who were in the audience said so.

Eventually, we got to the end of the first half: an Irish comic. He does his set and gets a brilliant response. Everyone in that room knew, leading some to verbally affirm: we had our winner. It was over. Only one guy from this heat would make it through to the state semi-final, and we were pretty sure it'd be him. I went there super prepared, hoping to get as far as possible, but this guy got a really good reaction, so I didn't really know if I could top him. I just had to wait and see.

I was eventually called down to the dressing room, as it was time for the second half of performers to get started. This is where the nerves started to really kick in. As my slot drew closer, I started to shake and shiver, I started to fret about what would happen if I forgot a line, or if I jumbled my words, or if I spoke to fast, or if I ran over time. I started going over my lines, making sure I remembered them all, refusing to believe the twenty-to-thirty run-throughs I did over the past few days was enough :P

I was then called to the side of the stage. The stagehand quietly introduced herself before giving me a quick rundown on the mic and my time limit. I was shaking quite a bit at this point, my anxiety building. This isn't really stage-fright, per se; it's just a basic fear of making a mistake in front of hundreds of people at once. I feel it just before every performance, and it always dies away once I'm on-stage. To quote/paraphrase one of my high school drama teachers:

"If you're not nervous before you go on-stage, you're not at all concerned about how well you're going to do out there."

I wanted the MC to stop talking just so I could kill the tension in my stomach. What was probably only two minutes felt like at least five :P  Eventually, though, the wait was over: the MC called my name, and as the adrenaline took its peak, I walked on-stage.

I grabbed the mic and moved the stand aside (something I learned on my first ever gig to get out of the way as fast as you can), then I moved onto my first joke: the train station joke. It got a laugh, but it wasn't the strongest intro—good, but room to build.

After that came the pornography joke. I thought this was a really good one, so I banked some confidence on a big laugh, hoping for applause. The first few lines were well received, thought my awareness of the time limit made me a little cautious with allowing too much laughter between lines. Optimally, you give the audience as much time to laugh as you can, 'milking' the joke for laughs. The only exception is with rapid-fire delivery, when, if the audience starts to laugh while you're talking, you keep delivering lines to build more tension, hypothetically resulting in a bigger payoff. The final line of the pornography joke took this rapid-fire form, and I did indeed have to talk over the sound of mild laughter for a bit till I got to the punchline. When I finally got to the end, the audience erupted with applause, cheers and whistles—my gambit paid off :D

Next up, the gay marriage stuff. While the pornography joke only implied my views on sexuality, this was an overtly political bit, my opinion made as clear as possible. When you take into account the fact that only around sixty-six percent of this country supports the legalisation of same-sex marriage, you can see why this stuff was also a little risky. But, these jokes were also warmly received (no applause, but I can't expect that for every joke, lol). In the middle of the gay marriage stuff, however, was a joke on the Federal Opposition Leader (which I included so I could take the piss out of both major political parties—fuck 'em both). This did get applause, which surprised me, but I was thrilled nonetheless.

With the topical issues out of the way, I moved onto the tested material; I was relatively safe from here on out. First item on the list of sex euphemisms was 'sleeping together', and the lines were laughed at as I expected. What I wasn't expecting, though, was another round of applause at a line I didn't even think was funny. Here's what I said:

"'Sleeping together'? Sex doesn't involve sleep! You can have sex before sleep, you can have sex after sleep, but you can't have sex while you're sleeping! You can fuck someone who's having a sleep, but that's——"

And then they laughed and applauded! The lines before that didn't really get too many laughs, but that last bit set them right off! This isn't an uncommon occurrence with new material, and it's interesting when it happens: sometimes, you think you've got a killer line, but when you deliver it, it doesn't go that well; but other times, you deliver what you think is a mere set-up, something you don't think has any comic merit in and of itself, and people surprise you with a laugh, sometimes a big one—sometimes with clapping too :)

My final joke was on the term 'screwing'. This was the only bit of my performance which required physical activity other than standing and moving my arms (getting down on all fours and rotating—my interpretation of what screwing actually is), and seeing as physical comedy isn't my strong suit, I had to be extra careful in making sure I didn't fuck this up. But, I pulled it off, managing to get yet another round of applause. I didn't finish on a joke that got me a round of applause (something I try to aim for), but I didn't think it mattered, cos four rounds of applause in four minutes is fucking insane. I thought I'd be lucky to get one, maybe two. But four? Holy shit, dude ^_^

And with that, I was done. I said good night, put the mic back in the stand, and went back off stage. I was really pleased with my performance, but still didn't really know if I'd done well enough to beat the Irish dude.

After a bit of waiting, we were called out onto the stage for the results. The MC held two envelopes in his hand: one for the runner-up, and one for the winner. We were all given one final round of applause, then the MC announced the placeholders.

"And the runner-up for the 2013 RAW Wollongong heat is... Liam McCann!"

I was like "Wait, wut? ...OK then :)", and went up to get my envelope. I went back and shook the hands of those next to me as they congratulated me. Of course, the Irish dude won, but that was established ages ago, now wasn't it :P  Inside the envelope were tickets for the Melbourne International Comedy Festival Roadshow performance at the same venue (which I went to watch a few days ago; many lulz were had), and a chance to perform my act in a cabaret at a venue called The Vault.

While speaking with the coordinator afterwards, I was also told that the RAW judges wanted me to be a guest-judge in the Wollongong heat for Class Clowns (a stand-up competition for teens from Year 9 to Year 12)—that, to me, was the best prize. This wasn't just being good enough to perform again; this was being good enough to have your perspective on comedy taken into account alongside that of professionals. I went home and deliberated on what made a good comedian, what traits I'd be looking for during their performances, what kind of material I'd most appreciate, all that stuff. But, a couple of weeks later, they cancelled the Wollongong heat because hardly anyone signed up for it. So. Much. Disappoint :( Not that I can blame anyone for it, but I was so fucking irritated that I was tempted with the opportunity only to have it ripped out from under me. Oh well.

Technically, this is the best I have ever performed at a heat for a comedy competition. I did come second in the state final for Class Clowns in 2011, but I only got to the state final in the first place as a wildcard; my performance in the initial heat was terrible, so I don't know how much my ranking in the state final really counts. And in any case, the performance went better than I expected, with pretty much every joke hitting the mark, save for one or two which only got a small portion of the audience laughing. After all was said and done, I went outside to see my friends who were in the audience.

Also, after watching the video, my performance only took four-and-a-half minutes, as opposed to the five I thought it'd take. Lesson learned: I (intentionally) speak far slower in rehearsal than I do on-stage :P

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Comedy Gigs, Part 1: Writing a Set

With the writing I've been doing lately, comedy's been at the front of my brain for quite some time. I thought it'd be interesting to go through what actually happens during a performance from my point of view: how I write my set, the feeling of being in front of a crowd, how I take in the audience's responses to my jokes, what variables you have to take into consideration before/during the performance—all that stuff. This entry, though, just focuses on the writing aspect; I'll go over the two performances I've had this year, both of which involved the same material, in later entries.

WRITING THE SET

The first of my performances was at the my local theatre, the IPAC, and it was for the RAW Comedy competition. Each year, the Melbourne International Comedy festival runs this comp to scout for young comic talent. Comics sign up for local heats held in all the capital cities, as well as a few other places, and on performance night, everyone performs their set to an audience. The set mustn't be blatantly offensive, nor may it run for any longer than five minutes. The judges determine who'll go through to the next round, and this process continues (with the same judges) through semi-finals, state finals, and the national final, the latter of which is broadcast on television. At the national final, the judges crown one joke teller the champion and hand them their prize: a spot in the So You Think You're Funny competition, held at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

I wanted to approach the construction of my set as logically as I could. First off, they made it clear in the rules you needed to stand out. Most of the comics who made it to the final made observations about everyday life, told personal stories, or did one-liners. Wanting to stand out, I avoided that for the most part, and decided to have a focus on topical issues and word play.

Having said that, it's not like I sat with a blank page and went "right, jokes... jokes... topical issues, need some of those..."—far from it. I have archives of material which I update whenever I have new ideas, or when I want to expand on existing ones. I had to find material in these archives that seemed like it had potential, and over the next few days, certain bits popped into my head: I had a bit on pornography, a bit that had sat there unused for over a year; I had a couple of lines on the Australian Prime Minister's attitude to gay marriage; and I had a rather long set on euphemisms for sex. This seemed like plenty to fill five minutes.

The sex euphemism jokes had been tested in a class I took at uni last year; the rest of it though, while it had potential, was untested. This was risky, as it meant I had no clue whether the material would go well or not, but it seemed like good stuff. I started linking these segments when my mother was in the hospital—I dunno how, but when I was there with my laptop, everything just came together in my head, and the order in which these jokes should be told was organised rather quickly. I also chose to start with an older joke of mine about train stations, just to make sure I would start my set with a laugh (if your first joke isn't funny, the audience loses confidence in you very quickly). As for the ending, I wanted to finish on a joke that would get me applause (to end big, as it were), but was unsure of exactly how funny the ending was.

With my audience in mind, I knew I couldn't have jokes going over their heads. Fact of the matter is, given my friends, my high school, and my university. I'm used to being around smart people. But this performance is not for intellectuals; it's for the general public. The jokes themselves weren't about theoretical physics or marine biology or anything (I don't even understand those topics myself, lol), but the wording of each joke had to be understandable to your everyday person. There was a joke I had that used the word 'eugenics'; that had to be replaced with a reference to genocide (and my mum thought even that was pushing it :P). I also mentioned sadomasochism and atheism, though these words were kept; they seemed to be suitable. It may seem like nothing, but it's important to know your audience, cos if they don't like your kind of humour, or if they don't understand you, they'll quickly dislike you. Thankfully, the topical nature of my jokes also had a positive side: when an audience hears an argument for something that they agree with, they'll feel smarter for understanding it, meaning they'll be more likely to applaud and more likely to enjoy the show.

In addition to all this, the script was too long. I rehearsed over and over, deliberately slowing my speech down to ensure the audience would understand me (sometimes I speak so fast that people don't understand me). And in timing each run-through, it was always just over the five minute mark, so I had to carefully consider how useful each line was, deleting as many as possible without ruining flow. Set-ups had to be shortened; punch lines had to have more punch; and topical jokes that pushed an agenda without being funny needed to go—if it wasn't there to get a laugh, it was of no use to me. When I performed in last year's RAW, they had a red light that would blink when you got to four minutes, so I knew I was able to generally keep track of time while I was performing, but still had trouble deciding what to cut, and what I'd have to rush through if I was falling behind.

Two of my friends read the script before I performed, and they said it was really funny, as well as liking the political angle, so I was at least partially assured that this material would go well. I was never really nervous about the material not working—not because I'm arrogant (although I am arrogant :P), but because I generally don't feel nerves until I'm actually at the venue, due to perform. 

After that, it was just practise, practise, practise, all the way up until the night of the first performance.

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Retrospective Comedy: I Still Have a Story to Tell

In 2011, I wrote 45 minutes worth of material over a 3 month period; the resulting compilation was called Brutal Honesty. 10 minutes of monologue was dedicated to talking about Sally, a girl I liked for 2 years in high school. The material for the show wasn't very funny, and the Sally material was no exception. It wasn't brutal honesty on my part; it was honestly brutal on the audience's part (I seriously don't know how they sat through it). Because of this, I'm currently working on a bunch of material for another extended show called Special Provocations which I intend to record at home, rather than before a live audience. It was originally meant to be an amended version of the previous show, but after watching the footage, I decided it isn't worth re-using— my delivery was so weak throughout the performance that even the successful lines were rendered unusable. Part of this new material has me talking about my Year 12 Formal and after-party, critiquing my mindset and my actions at the event, including how my writing about my previous admiration Sally for Brutal Honesty, when combined with the loneliness I felt at that time, helped rekindle my interest in her.

I've mentioned Sally and my Formal/after-party a million times, so I can understand how it might seem obsessive, and I've seen how that obsession can manifest in a negative way. In writing the Sally material for Brutal Honesty, as I just mentioned, I started to become attracted to her again—I was looking at her more and more, having repeated romantic/sexual fantasies involving her, even wanting to ask her to be my date for the Formal. And in writing the Formal/after-party material for Special Provocations, I've thought about what's Sally's doing now, what she remembers of that evening—as well as wanting to know if she knows what I said about her on this blog, and what her opinion of me is, if she has one at all.

One of my reasons for writing this new material about the Formal/after-party is so she might see it and laugh at it. Whether her lack of enjoyment that night was my fault or not, it'd make me really happy to know she got a laugh out of my talking about it. It's not as if any of this stuff matters anymore, especially to her, but I still have this urge in me to make things right, to clear the air, and to know everything's OK with her regarding this subject—not to just think it's OK, but to know it's OK.

I wrote this in a private journal entry:

I wonder if I’ll ever see [Sally] again, if we’ll ever speak again. I picture us meeting at our school reunion, her reaction different each time. Sometimes, she smiles upon seeing me, gives me a quick hug, and we just talk about what we've done since school ended. Sometimes, she looks at me awkwardly, says "Hey.", and quickly moves on. Sometimes, she gives me a cold look, says nothing, and keeps her sights firmly locked on her next destination. I don't know what to expect, but any potential encounter of ours is so far away that it's silly to think about.

It's evident that I've wanted closure on this for ages, and it just doesn't go away. It's such a trivial thing, but at the same time, that doesn't make it any less important to me. When people found the Formal/after-party/Schoolies blog entries on here, I remember one person telling me that there were rumours floating around about me, rumours he didn't elaborate on for fear that I'd regret hearing about them. Not that I know anything specific about such gossip (if the guy who let me know about that is reading this, feel free to let me know—I might even contact you about it later down the line), but it's still left me with this desire to prove myself to people: to prove that I did care about Sally's feelings that evening, to prove that I'm not some dipshit with no social skills, to prove that I learned from my mistakes. I don't really have much reason to care what most of my cohort thinks of me, nor would they have much reason to care about any of this nonsense, but that wish to convince people of the truth still remains.

Half the problem is that I think about the past too much; this was also summed up in the journal entry:

Everyone thinks about their past, but without something in the present to keep my focus on the future, the past (and it's desired manipulation) is inescapable.

I don't have much of a life at the moment, and with nothing much to focus on in the now, I focus on back then, simply cos it's more interesting. I know I need to work on that, definitely. But I still hope I finish this new material, and that Sally sees it. It's not like I want someone to go "Hey, Sally! You know that guy who wanted to fuck you a couple of years back? That weirdo? He wants you to see this." That's exactly what I don't want: for her to think I went through the process of writing and recording another 45-60 minutes worth of comedy just to get her attention. I want this stuff to stand up on its own—and the vast majority of the material has fuck all to do with Sally anyway—but I still want her to at least watch the parts mentioning her, hoping she enjoys it. I just want to make her smile.

Am I weird for wanting that? Is it too obsessive? I don't know anymore.

Art: I Can Kinda Does :)

I got my hands on GIMP a while back (GNU Image Manipulation program—like Photoshop, but free and open source), and I used it to make this a couple of days ago:

I've had the idea for this since last year, but only with GIMP could I actually make it happen (fuck doing that in Paint). I didn't make the background, though; you'll find that here.

I wanna make another version where it's just the word 'IMMUNE', but the letters are made out of tiny logos, all working together to make the word. I think it's more subtle, and it gives me the chance to a) use more logos, and b) not be restricted to logos shaped like a letter, which were actually really hard to find. The 'N' in 'ADVERTISING' is the logo for near field communication, which isn't a business, but a set of standards that enables radio communication between portable electronic devices. Using that logo is almost like using the wi-fi logo or the disabled parking logo, but I'm telling you now: apart from the N in 'IMMUNE' (the Nintendo 64 logo), there were no logos shaped like N's.

As for works-in-progress, I also managed to make this with a great deal of fucking around in Paint:

The space between the bottles is all grainy because the original bottle silhouette had that grain in the background, and it was the only picture that matched what I wanted to work with, so I had to simply copy/paste it 3 times. I think GIMP has tools that'll get rid of the grain, so when I work on this some more, hopefully it'll look a lot better :)

I'm pretty pleased with these results given that I have no prior experience with image manipulation programs (closest I've gotten would be video editing programs). Maybe this'll turn out to be another outlet for jokes—who knows?

Questions 3: Get This the Hell Outta My System

OK, 3 things before I start:

a) Nothing of much interest has happened in the past month or so, hence the void of posts.
b) Relationships and sex are always on my mind, so this is a good way to vent :)
c) Why did no one tell me Tumblr is full of porn blogs and sex gifs? Just... omg... ^_^

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

Kinda. For me, they're more important in getting me interested, then they become less important as I learn more about them. Fact is, though, that if their looks changed dramatically before/after I started dating whoever it was, I could lose some interest, maybe all, especially if we were sexually active. Would have to experience it to know for sure.

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

Of course they are—there's a reason people pursue them :P

3. Are you a virgin?

Yup. Haven't even made out with a girl yet, really.

4. Are you in a relationship?

No.

5. Are you in love?

Nope, not interested in anyone at the moment.

6. Are you single this year?

For the meantime, yes. Hopefully not by the end of this year :)

7. Can you commit to one person?

Yup.

8. Describe your crush.

Somewhere at some social thing I should probably go to... >.>

9. Describe your perfect mate.

Intelligent, interested in important issues. Likes physical contact. Someone I can make happy and smiley. Someone who loves me for who I am rather than who I could be.

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Haven't experienced it, but I've been told about it from people who experienced it, so I guess it happens to some people.

11. Do you ever want to get married?

Maybe later, but not now. I'd have to be very sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with a woman before the thought even popped into my head.

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

It hasn't happened to me, so I don't know how I'd act were I to be betrayed. I don't think I'd give her anymore than one more chance, though. If you can't learn or control yourself after the first time, you're not worth the trouble.

13. Do you get jealous easily?

Fuck yes.

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

No.

15. Do you have any piercings?

Nope, don't want any either.

16. Do you have any tattoos?

Same as above, not interested.

17. Do you like kissing in public?

Yup (or at least I did when I could, lol).

18. Do you shower every day?

I shower almost every morning. Only skip having a shower every once in a while.

19. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

Nah. I'd know by now, were that the case.

20. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Nope.

21. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

Already managed it—during my first relationship, I never even thought about cheating. Is this a serious question? Is our generation so feeble-minded that we only some of us stay faithful for six months? That's fuckin' sad. Get your shit together, people >.<

22. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

Married at 24? lolno.

23. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

Definitely :)

24. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

Nope. Never been told anything like that.

25. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

Nah.

26. Have you ever been cheated on?

Pretty sure that I haven't been.

27. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Never thought of it.

28. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Nope, never wanted plastic surgery. If I could get something magically repaired, though, I'd get my phimosis fixed, and I'd straighten my teeth.

29. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

Heaps of times.

30. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

Twice.

31. Have you ever had sex with a man?

Unless jerking off counts, no.

32. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Not yet.

33. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

My ex is older than me, so yes.

34. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Nope, haven't had that problem.

35. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

All the people I liked were either part of my friend group, or weren't known to them at all.

36. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

Well, I don't know if you can 'expect' to like someone. All the people I've liked have been different, but none have astounded me in that I couldn't believe who I was liking.

37. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

Yup. Still do sometimes; it's really fucking annoying.

38. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

I've written poems about someone, but never for them to read.

39. Have you had sex so far this year?

Yes, but only masturbation. Haven't had sex with anyone else yet.

40. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

All the kissing I did was short lived, so my hands never had time to wander. If I'm ever in that situation, though, they won't be able to last long before they go exploring—they're as impatient as I am :P

41. How long was your longest relationship?

Just over six months.

42. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

One.

43. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

Only one—I remember kissing my ex as she left my house on her last visit.

44. How many times did you have sex last year?

As if I could count how many times I masturbated :P  As for sex with other people: zero.

45. How old are you?

Nineteen, turning twenty in August.

46. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

Probably nothing, cos that would make me feel ultra awkward.

47. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favourite thing about him/her?

48. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

...I'd be wondering what exactly she was apologising for :P

49. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

Nope. Even if I loved someone as much as I could, I dunno if I could be that selfless.

50. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

There was a girl in uni who I gave up on last year. I liked her for a while, but the attraction wasn't strong enough, and I never really found her personality appealing at all. After those realisations, it was clear I was never gonna talk to her, so I stopped seeing the point.

51. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

52. Is there someone you will never forget?

Sally, and maybe my ex. They were both firsts (first crush, first girlfriend), so that alone makes them very memorable. And given how much I've written about the two years when I liked Sally, I don't think I'll ever forget her.

53. Share a relationship story.

In the spring school holidays of 2010, my girlfriend and I went up to the lighthouse and sat in one of the booths. There was always an ice cream van up there, and we usually bought ice cream to nom while we were sitting, but I can't remember if we did this time. In any case, we sat down, and  I gave her my iPod so she could play Angry Birds. Not long after she started playing, I moved in and kissed her for the first time, though it was hard cos I had to lean over and kiss her while she was still looking at the iPod.

I kissed her a few more times that afternoon; then, when she was to catch the bus home, I asked her for one last kiss (one she could actually prepare for rather than having me lean over randomly of my own accord :P). We moved towards one another, held each other, moved our faces forward, and then they met... at the forehead. Fucking ow :P  I seriously didn't think kissing would be even remotely difficult, but I was wrong. Painfully wrong :P

54. State 8 facts about your body.

1. I'm really skinny.
2. I have phimosis (overgrown foreskin).
3. The tip of my dick is painfully sensitive.
4. I have pimples, along with a general redness, on my face, upper chest, and upper back.
5. Viewing my eyebrows up close, you'll see hair growing between them, meaning I technically have a monobrow.
6. My tongue is attached to the bottom of my mouth (ankyloglossia).
7. I have a callus on my right hand whose origin I am totally lost on.
8. I have a birthmark (or at least what looks like a birthmark) on a knuckle on my third hand, but for some reason, I'm convinced it only came to be a few years after I was born. Probably a procrastinator, just like its host body.

55. Things you want to say to an ex.

I don't really wanna say anything to her, nothing beyond normal conversation. Just to talk to her like any other friend would be what I want, if anything, as much as that isn't gonna happen.

56. What are five ways to win your heart?

I dunno if there are specific 'ways' to do that, other than just being the right person. Smiling at me would probably do the trick, as would starting a conversation with me. Can't really think of anything else. I'd need to have my heart won moar to discover these things :P

57. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

I would have taken a picture of myself as I look now, but I've had this huge zit on the tip of my nose since Sunday, and it looks fucking foul. Pimples in general I can deal with, but this one was King Pus, so I refuse to give it the pleasure of being on the internet for all to see. I popped it today, but the red hump is still there, so I decided to use this photo from a 19th I went to last year instead.

This is probably the best picture of me in existence; it really doesn't get any better than that (which is a given when you learn that there are, like, 3 pictures of me on Facebook which I am aware of, lol).

58. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

A month.

59. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

Depends entirely on the person. It's usually something physical, like their hair colour, their eyes, their smile, their glasses; but it could also be their voice,  how they speak, or what they speak about.

60. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Sit on me while I was sitting down and smother me with physical affection.

61. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Engaging in sexual activity of any kind.

62. What is your definition of cheating?

Doing things with someone else that you would only ever do with your partner were you to remain faithful (there's a lot more stuff that I'd call 'cheating' other than fucking someone else).

63. What is your favourite roleplay?

Well, if I had the chance to do any kind of roleplay, I'd want the woman to be a schoolgirl, dressed in uniform. I'd play the role of the first guy she has sex with. Or perhaps we could switch it around, and have the woman play a school girl who's confident with her sexuality, and have me play some virgin she decides to toy with and hit on. Can't be 100% sure if that'd work, given my inexperience. Who knows—maybe there's some other roleplay I'll be introduced to that I like even more than the idea of that one.

64. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Single as I may be, I have a few ideal date ideas in my head.

One is where we'd go to a place where we can be alone, at night time, under the stars—a park, the beach, the lighthouse, something like that. We'd put a blanket down, lie beside one another, and just talk to each other about stuff. We'd joke around and laugh a lot. We'd hold each other and get real cozy (I'm gonna be cold, dammit :P). Hopefully, if she's in the mood, we'd make love :3

I have another one where we're at either my place or her place, and we play video games all night. Might sound dumb, but the first time my first girlfriend came over to my house (before we started dating, but still when I liked her), we played Ratchet: Gladiator from start to finish, and it was incredibly fun (save for the headache I had at the end—eye strain is a bitch). So, whoever my new girlfriend is, provided she likes games, we'd just play all kinds of games together. We'd play co-op games and competitive games; we'd watch one another play single player games, trying to out-do one another; we'd play online together, teaming up to kick people's asses. Towards the end, our energy expunged through competition, we'd sit close, and she'd rest her head on my shoulder. It'd probably end in us falling asleep, nestled up together on the couch. I just think that'd be a neat bonding experience, enjoying a common interest together :)

Another one, as weird as this might sound to people who know about my eating habits, would involve dinner. In this particular fantasy world, I eat properly (take some time to get your imaginations in gear for this one :P) so to celebrate my dietary achievements, she'd wear her best dress (which, in my mind, must be red :P) and we'd go out to her favourite restaurant. She'd be really happy that she can now take her boyfriend out to dinner, along with me being super pleased with my newfound ability to give her something she's always wanted. We'd occasionally reach across the table and feed each other with food from our own plates, so they can try what the other's eating. When we got home, she'd hug me tighter than ever cos she's ecstatic about living out this dream with me for the first time. This one probably ends with love-making too (I'd think most 'perfect dates' would end that way :P).

65. What is your sexual orientation?

Fairly straight. I've had homosexual thoughts before—I've wondered what it'd be like to jerk off another guy or give a guy a blowjob, what a dick tastes like, that kind of stuff—but I've never gotten off to anything where two men end up fucking. Pussy all the way :D

66. What turns you off?

Excess weight (as in heaps), arrogance, overarching apathy, superstition, and stupidity that is either unrealised or left untreated.

67. What turns you on?

Red hair, fair skin, meat on her bones, boobs that will fit in my hands, intellect, scepticism, humour, laughter.

68. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I've never had an orgasm without physical stimulation. I swear, these people who claim to have wet dreams are just masturbating in their sleep :P

69. What words do you like to hear during sex?

Yes. Harder. I love you.

70. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

Cuddle me—haven't had one of those in a llooonngg time. Or ask me out on a date (though I guess that could go sour if I didn't like the person back...)

71. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

Hmmm... I don't really look for specific superficial traits so much as I find ones I like in people I'm attracted to. There have been girls with boobs I like cos they're just the right size, or whose arms are sexy, or whose legs and hips draw my attention more than anything else, or glasses they wear that make them look hot. I just look for stuff I like.

72. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Had feelings for me and been in a relationship with me.

73. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Dunno if I've ever done anything sweet for anyone... nothing comes to mind :/

74. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

So long as you can provide informed consent for all the things you do together, who gives a fuck.

75. What’s your dirtiest secret?

My own curiosity once led me to ejaculate onto my own face. If chicks out there don't like having cum on their face... I feel you. I really do :P

76. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

When I saw a good looking guy in some porn I watching. Makes me think that's what all women want, hence me being totally unable to turn any woman on. Fucking image problems, lol.

77. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

Never. Probably should have told my ex I loved her, but oh well, lesson learned for next time.

78. Who are five people you find attractive?

I was stumped on this one until I realised that it never said you had to name people you knew in person (not only would that be a little creepy, but I don't know five people I think are attractive... yeah >.>).

Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Keira Knightly
Lexi Belle
Emma Stone
and whoever this person is:



I dunno who that person is, but I came across this picture by accident a while back, and holy shit, they have the cutest face and most adorable smile evar ^_^

79. Who is the last person you hugged?

My mum.

80. Who was your first kiss with?

My first girlfriend.

81. Why did your last relationship fail?

Because we changed as people, me especially. My attitude took a huge shift towards the end; I became angrier, more bitter, and more critical, which she didn't like at all, so she dumped me.

82. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

I dunno. Maybe if I'd been talking to them over the net for ages and really wanted to meet them. But I don't think I'd date a total stranger I'd only just met online.

Woo, done :D

Beginnings in Comedy: When My Harry Met Sally

Comedy is, like, my thing. I find it weird, though, how I don't talk about it that much. I talk about writing stand-up from time to time, and I often quote comedians in other posts, but I've never really talked about comedy as a genre, as a mindset, or as a framework. Not that I'm a professional joke-teller—far from it—but I'm always engaging with comedy in some way. I watch it non-stop on YouTube, I analyse literary and delivery techniques, and, of course, I write my own material. My mind is always taking sensory data and processing it in such a way that makes it easy to see humour in almost anything. Most of my jokes aren't that good, but that's to be expected given how inexperienced I am. Your average comic doesn't just come up with classic after classic; we all come up with good shit and bad shit, having to test our material with an audience before such evaluations can even be made. I perform very rarely (hoping to change that soon), so most of my material is a mish-mash of shit, but there are some lines and bits in there that I'm proud of.

Nevertheless, I write everything down irrespective of initial perceived quality, knowing that most of the jokes I forget are good ones. My iPod Touch has a single Note titled 'Comedy'; it's just this long-ass list of ideas, some good, some crappy, some short, some long. Just looking at it then, the top of the list had a joke about how patronising one of the librarians at my high school was (some of this shit is old, man :P), and towards the bottom sit a few recent lines on things like gay marriage and plain cigarette packaging, as well as a few random ideas and one-liners. Most of my material sits in Microsoft OneNote, with sections for each bit or topic I've written about, as well as a rather long list of miscellaneous material that doesn't fit anywhere. Some of the bits are only a couple of sentences long, ideas that haven't come to fruition yet, and perhaps never will; others are rich in content, paragraph after paragraph of good ideas expressed in a concise manner, pleasing to the ear in its hypothetical delivery. Some bits I go over and practise out loud just for the fun of it, to see if I can improve their wording, or to provoke new lines in my head in order to extend upon what's already there.

I first remember trying to be funny in French class. My first successful joke was in Year 8 or 9, during a writing exercise. Some of the exercises in French required us to write our own sentences using certain new vocabulary or grammatical elements; on this particular day, we had to write a sentence using a possessive pronoun. Without really thinking it'd be that funny, I wrote down "Le bébé n'est pas tien." ("The baby isn't yours."), and upon its delivery, I was met with many lulz. I didn't think right there and then ":O I have to do this for a living! :D", but it was a great sense of achievement. Someone in the class even approached me afterwards to tell me how funny they found the line. I don’t even know if I want to do this for a living, but we’ll get to that later.

French continued to be my lulz factory through its writing exercises, especially the roleplays. Every so often, we’d have to write a short scene surrounding a certain topic or activity (going to the supermarket, learning to drive, etc.), composing and presenting it entirely in French. Certain people in the class (myself included) always tried to make these as funny and absurd as we could. Even though it was a language class, much of the humour was slapstick, because we usually had trouble understanding what the performers were saying—as performers, with this in mind, we pantomimed as much as we could to get the message across. Making people laugh through dialogue was incredible, though, cos not only did you make lulz, you made lulz with another fucking language. That's hard, man.

But, as much fun as short group scenes can be, my thing is solo comedy: stand-up. When I was younger, I’d seen stand-ups on TV a few times, and was a little fascinated by it. It was just unusual to see people standing up in front of a crowd and telling jokes, especially when I knew them from a TV show (Seinfeld, for example). I remember thinking stand-up comedy to be a strictly televised event, where a bunch of comedians would get together and present their five-to-ten minutes—what I thought to be their entire collection of material :P That’s what most stand-up galas are: just groups of comedians walking on, doing a five-to-ten minute set (sometimes shorter, two-to-three minute sets), and leaving for the next person. It seemed strange to me that these people would base their entire careers off of five-to-ten minutes of jokes, let alone find great success with it. I never had cable TV though, and this was before YouTube, so I wasn’t to know what a comedian’s true work looked like for a while.

I distinctly remember two five minute sets I saw on TV, though I couldn’t tell you what year I saw them in—they were both from Just for Laughs compilation specials, the ‘Best of the Best’, I suppose. One is Mitch Herberg’s last appearance on Just for Laughs in 2004. I just happened to turn the TV on, and there he was, telling these off-the-wall non-sequiturs. I loved ‘em, and wanted to hear more, but I think I turned the TV on after his name had appeared in the lower thirds (and I don’t think he said “I’ve been Mitch Hedberg!” at the end of his set either). The second was a Bill Hicks routine from 1990 where he talked about how the ‘This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs.’ PSA they were airing in the States back then, and how hypocritical it was for them to run liquor commercials on TV in conjunction with them. This was my first taste of satire, my first taste of true critical thinking:

“It’s OK to drink your drug! We meant those other drugs, those... untaxed drugs.”

And look where the weed debate is now :P

I was also heavily into The Chaser's War on Everything, another televised comedy program. A friend of mine turned me onto the show, a half-hour weekly romp where seven satirists lampooned anything and everything worth lampooning. They bashed the absolute shit out of current affairs programs, confronted politicians like it was nothing, and frequently took on taboo subject matter with their material. They ran into controversy more than a few times, and their greatest stunt (infiltrating the 2007 APEC conference in Sydney, getting within ten metres of George W. Bush's hotel) made them too recognisable by the public for their stunts to be as effective—they were kinda brought down by their own success. The show fuelled the wannabe sceptic within me, and, with help from like-minded teachers at school, I began to have a more constructive approach to critical thinking. Though I wasn't fully aware of it at the time, they were a huge influence on me and my mindset at the time, and the sheer nerve they displayed in their stunts impressed me to no end (even though some of them were faked—but you'd have to be an idiot to think it was 100% real :P).

My first thorough comedy experience, though, was to happen by total accident. It was early 2008, and I was in my local video store, rummaging through the Comedy section, looking for something interesting that I hadn’t seen. I happened to see a case with a picture of Robin Williams just... standing there. I looked on the back, and he appeared to be on a stage, by himself... “What the fuck is this?”, I thought. I couldn’t figure it out. But it was Robin Williams, and I loved this guy in everything I’d seen him in, so I rented it. I got home, put it in the player, and watched it. It was one of his stand-up specials: an hour-and-a-half of Robin Williams just... telling jokes! I thought they only did this for five-to-ten minutes! How is he doing this? How? He was so full of energy, and so clever—I’ll never forget first hearing him talking about turning Neverland into a theme park, saying “You must be this high to ride Michael!” I was in hysterics throughout the entire thing, not to mention enthralled to see someone doing the same kind of weird comedy performance I’d seen years ago, but for ninety minutes straight!

Not only was I laughing, not only was I enthralled, but I was inspired. “What if I could do that? That would be so awesome if I could do that!” But I had no jokes, no training, and no balls, so it was a pipe dream at the time—just a cool thing to think about.

Around the same time, I started to like a girl in high school called ‘Sally’, whom I’ve mentioned in this blog before. It wasn’t long before I was staring at her in Science class (made harder by the fact that she sat behind me :P); and I was thinking about her non-stop, wanting to approach her, to talk to her, to say hi and maybe ask her out... but like that was going to happen :P  I didn’t know how to confront her, seeing as I was shit-scared of rejection, so I just kept my distance and admired her from afar.

But I thought about the stand-up routine I watched, and went “...hmm... maybe this could be useful. If I did stand-up, I could tell Sally I liked her, or at least get the word out about me liking her (otherwise impossible given my lack of social integration), without needing to talk to her face-to-face! It’s perfect! She’ll know everything, and I won’t have to affront her :D” I was doing an Intro-to-Drama class at the time (and enjoying it), so I figured that would provide me with the stage training I needed—I just had to write the fucking thing.

So I devised a plan: I’d write the material such that the first half of it was about everyday life, school life, etc.—having nothing to do with Sally at all—and the second half would be about how I liked her, how I couldn’t confront her, how I thought about her all the time, ending on some kind of name reveal. I realised, though, that it seemed crucial to have Sally in the audience while I delivered my monologue, such that she heard it for herself and would know exactly how I felt... nothing a rigged raffle draw for a free ticket can’t fix :D  I seriously thought about having a ‘draw’ for free tickets—either a few across the whole school or one ticket per year group—then having her name be the only one in the hat. Either that, or pinning a printed class roll to a board, putting a thumbtack over her name, closing my eyes, and moving my finger down until I hit the thumbtack. Whatever I could do to ensure her presence, I would have done (short of asking her in person to go :P).

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but it wasn’t without its flaws. I mean, first off, where was this material gonna come from? Was I even that funny? I’d had a few laughs in drama class, sure, but nothing the other students hadn’t gotten themselves. I’d gotten laughs in French too, but that was French class, not a stand-up performance. All I had to go off was the Robin Williams performance I’d watched and the Just for Laughs bits I mentioned earlier, and I had no ideas... like, no ideas. And even if I’d written all this, would it have been good material? Half-an-hour of good material can take a comedian years to get right—but I didn’t know that at the time, did I :P

But even if I’d written that material, and even if it had been better than anything my idols have ever written, and even if Sally was front and centre, laughing her cute little ass off... would it it really have been a good idea to call her out in front of an audience like that? I mean, the way I wanted to do it was, after talking about the girl in question, having everyone in the audience stand up (provided I knew she was there). I’d sit people down Guess Who style—sit down if you’re a dude; sit down if you’re over 18; sit down if you’re under 15; sit down if you don't study particular subjects, etc. She would have been just sitting there in the crowd, a crowd that could have been quite sizeable had I made a really good assembly announcement, and before she knew it, she’d have been standing up alone in front of the entire audience... all so I could ask her on a date in public. No pressure...

It was a silly plan, but it never went anywhere, so it was ultimately harmless... for a while :P

Near the end of 2009, I still liked Sally. Shit, I liked her more at that point than I ever had (years of dreaming about being with someone will do that to you :P).  This whole time, that comedy plan of mine had been dormant, not an active pursuit, but still in the back of my head. I can’t remember exactly when this was, nor what triggered it—I think it was either having a friend having me listen to part of a Mitch Hedberg album on his iPod, or coming 2nd in my Youth Theatre class, where I'd pulled off several successful comic roles—but one day, I went “You know what? Let’s start writing some things down. Let's make this happen.” Not long after I started crushing on Sally, we got broadband, so I could have been watching clips of comedians on YouTube at the time too, though I could swear I only started doing that heaps in 2010. Nonetheless, I was inspired, and I went for it, writing down ideas I had for both the first half about life in general, and the second half on my love for Sally. They were nothing but random dot points, but it was a start.

It was too late, though, for this plan was to die in only a few weeks’ time. Come the Year 10 Formal, after seeing Sally, that was it. I’d had enough. I had to ask her out. I just had to. This shit couldn’t go on anymore :P  I came home that evening and wanted nothing more than to confront her and get this over and done with (though the balls required to do so were still nowhere to be found :P). I did, however, remember the document I made with all the comedy notes in it. I opened it and made notes specifically on the Formal evening: how it looked like some kind of Mafioso youth group gathering, how I was baffled people were using flash when taking pictures outside in broad daylight, how there was a strobe light for the dance when I thought we were trying to reduce the number of epileptic fits in young people. And, of course, there were a whole ton of dot points on how Sally was just teh hotness, and how I wanted to talk to her and ask her to dance, but couldn’t because friends wouldn’t fuck off for even two seconds—how it ended up being one big, failed tactical espionage mission :P

I continued to pursue Sally at school, and as I made progress, I continued taking notes on my observations, both my myself and the situation as a whole. When I made the English speech where I announced her name to the class and said I liked her, I noted how one particular student covered their mouth as if they’d seen the second coming of Christ. When I talked to her for the first time, complimenting her on her dress at the Formal, I noted how I talked so much that she needed to politely shut me up so she could get to where she had to go. When I went into school the Monday after graduation to ask her out, I noted how I stood around shaking like a cocaine addict waiting for her to come out of her classroom, and that was after waiting for five hours just so she’d show up on site :P

For the two weeks ranging from the Formal to being rejected by Sally (if you didn’t see that coming, you are a nub :P), I was making fun of the situation, both of the world around me and my reactions to it. I filled pages with idea after idea, note after note, eventually turning some of them into lines. I had the strongest sense of inspiration ever. And it wasn’t even to impress and ask Sally out anymore! Sally was over, a thing of the past; but I could now look forward to writing about my experiences. This was a new drive, a new world to explore. Now I wanted to get up and tell everyone about how I liked Sally—not to impress her, but to have fun and make people laugh.

I love telling this story cos it makes me feel all warm inside. I mean, remembering how many butterflies were in my stomach due to Sally’s mere presence is cool enough. And this situation is one of the few reminding me that, yes, I have had balls before, and yes, I have done some scary shit for a dream before—and that it made me feel awesome, something I can easily feel again if I push myself to the limit like I did when I asked Sally out. But it also reminds me of where all this began, where this whole comedy thing started: with me going crazy over some girl, then taking the piss out of myself and the world around me as I ended that chapter of my life. It gave me a way to turn something wild, scary, and ultimately painful into a positive reflection, allowing me to see the good in what could have easily been dismissed in some emotional fit as a waste of time. It was the pivot on which my life tilted—without Sally, I would not be where I am right now, I would not think the way I think, and I would not be the person I am.

For Sally, it was probably just that time when the awkward boy talked to her a few times and asked her out. But for me, this is everything. I can't imagine life without this comic framework, without this mindset—but I don't have to. I can just enjoy it :)