Been a while since I posted anything. Not much to talk about, really. It's been so cold that I've hardly wanted to type anything :P
I have been thinking about stuff, though—the usual stuff with dating and girls and sex and whatever else. I went to another sleepover with a friend of mine and his college buddies, and it was fun as shit, as I expected. Thing is, I also expected a girl who I had a crush on to be there (emphasis on 'had'), but she wasn't there. I didn't want her to be there so I could ask her out again or try to get into her pants, or any other stupid shit, but I did wanna talk to her and get to know her better. It's fucking weird, but I am still kinda curious as to who she is and what she does.
I've never felt that way about any other girl I've crushed on, at least not this strongly; I've never wanted to just have a 1-on-1 with them about who they are when I know they aren't interested in dating me. And I can't pursue it unless she's in my vicinity by chance, because if I send her messages over Facebook or something, it's gonna come off as nice guy behaviour, which it mustn't if this is gonna go anywhere. From what little I can gather, I'm fairly sure she's shy like me, meaning if we get to know each other a bit better, she'll come out of her shell and we can be comfortable around one another, unlike at the arcade where everything was fucking awkward. The group meet-ups are great regardless of her presence cos they're just fun people to be around, but I was so looking forward to fixing shit up with her and it didn't happen cos she wasn't there, even though I was sure she would be. Oh well.
The other thing that sucks with that is the fact I still haven't found someone else to be attracted to. It was so invigorating, seeing that girl and feeling so drawn. I haven't felt that way in ages. The girl I liked before that was in 2012, and that wasn't anywhere near as strong. That was just "oh, she looks nice :)". This time it was like "Jesus fucking Christ is she cute and smiley and cuddly and nerdy and fun! Must... learn... more!"
I asked her out two days after I met her! Two fucking days! Last girl I asked out took three months, the first took two years; this one took two days. Even though I got rejected, I learned very quickly that if the incentive is there when it comes to a woman, I will act, and I will act fast. If the magnetism is there, I'll fuckin' do it. It was 100% worth the risk, asking that girl out. I wish I could feel that way about some girl at uni, or just some other girl who I can actually interact with, cos I know I'll pull myself together and do something. It'll be nerve-wracking and scaryful, but it can be done lickety-split if that's what the situation calls for.
It's fucking weird how little interest I have in the women who go to my uni. The numbers are outta whack. I crushed on, like, at least 4 of the ~60 girls who went to my high school, and there were a few others who I liked the look of but didn't really think about too much. My friend's 8 college buddies show up for the first time, and I'm infatuated with one of them little more than five minutes after she gets there. How many women go to my uni? Thousands. Fucking thousands! All different kinds, too; there's no shortage of variety in terms of looks, personalities, interests, or hobbies. And how many have I been attracted to? One. One. And that was a half-assed crush compared to the last one. How am I so disinterested when I'm so up for having a girlfriend?
Surely the women at my uni can't just all suck—that makes no statistical sense. There have to be at least a few who I'd like if I met 'em! It's just finding them.
I don't even know how to describe someone I'd like. I only know it when I feel it. Before that sleepover, I looked at that girl's profile picture and was like "damn, she's probably the loud one. No interest here." Met her in real life and my eyes were like "that's what she looks like? That picture does NOT do her justice!" I think back to all the girls I've liked and find no consistency. I've liked blondes, brunettes, redheads; I've liked skinny girls, big girls, quiet girls, outgoing girls—the only thing common between them is intellect. It's like I just have to wait for one to show up and blow my fuckin' mind.
I guess a lot of what you like about a person is cos of the filter you have on when you like them, which accentuates all kinds of things. This post explains how I feel better than I ever could:
A man in love with a woman doesn't see her objectively. There is a filter there, or some kind of participatory illusion. He does not see who you see in the mirror. He is seeing someone beautiful and perfect and sublime, and it's one of the most powerful things in his life.
Seriously, that filter is nothing short of magical, but it only seems to come along at random.
That filter also makes me wonder about my body. I don't think it'd be controversial to state that if I ate healthy (like really healthy), worked out, and dressed well, women would be far more likely to be interested in me, and I'd be more likely to find a date/get laid; that's just reality. But I've had women—multiple, in fact (two at last count)—interested in me, even though I didn't look like that. And I know one of them thought I was cute cos she straight-up told me. I often believe I'm at a disadvantage because I look so much younger than I am, and I'm smaller than most guys my age (so much less fat & muscle mass). But it wasn't a problem before... is it a problem now? I suppose it could be, given sex is now a bigger part of the overall picture, but I honestly don't know. Long story short, while I don't think I look that bad, I'm not walking around thinking I'm that attractive.
I've experienced the other side of the coin, though. I know people can be attracted to someone who doesn't feel good about their own body. When I dated my ex, we were walking home one time, and for whatever reason, she mentioned that she thought she was fat. I was like "...what? You aren't fat! At all!" I thought it was laughable that the most beautiful woman in the world thought she was fat, even more so when she held her position despite my open disagreement. I couldn't understand it! "How is she fat? Where's this fat she's talking about? There's fat on her, but that's all supposed to be there. The fact that it's there is hot. Where's this superfluous fat I'm supposed to be seeing?" But she didn't have the filter on that I did: she only had her own view to go off. Not that I now think she's fat or ugly seeing as the filter's gone, but I did think her opinion regarding her weight was objectively wrong cos my filter led me to disagree with it instantaneously. So maybe there could be a woman out there who'd be just as stunned when I critiqued my own body. I dunno.
I really do miss the thrill of the chase. Liking a girl just feels so good. And I now have confidence that I can act on feelings pretty quickly now. If I could meet more people, this shit might actually happen—it will at least be more likely to happen. The indefinite patience required is such a cunt :P I can wait for stuff when what I'm waiting for arrives on a set date: that's easy. Waiting indefinitely is just frustrating. But that's life :(
It's like the problem isn't so much that no one seems to be attracted to me, as much as it's that I'm not attracted to anyone else.
A study was recently conducted in which 1,000 women were given seven ways men can deal with rejection, being asked to rank them from best to worst.
"Accept it and walk away" was first on the list.
"Just be friends instead" was close behind, in second.
"Ask again later" was the third most popular option.
"Shooting eleven people with a semi-automatic pistol, stabbing your three roommates, and running four people over before killing yourself during a police shootout" on the other hand... somewhere towards the bottom.
Seriously, it's times like these I wish I was a practising comedian. This stuff breeds jokes like nothing else does.
But I figured I'd say something about this from my own perspective. I don't wanna comment too much on the motivations behind the dude's crime, cos there's a 140 page manifesto I've only seen snippets of, and whoever you ask will interpret it differently. It's practically impossible to deny pervasive elements of misogyny given his sense of entitlement to women and the fact he called this whole thing a "War on Women", but for anyone to ignore the fact he lived in a country where guns are as easy to get as a Happy Meal, and the fact he had Aspergers (assuming his lawyers are being honest with that one) is for them to oversimplify the case. There are too many elements involved for me to pin down any single cause, or for me to begin ranking blameworthy outlets in order of responsibility held. I don't even care enough to bother.
I certainly don't feel sorry for the guy. He may have had Aspergers, but it was "highly functional Aspergers syndrome". I live next door to a guy with Aspergers--it doesn't make you go fuckin' insane. I can't see this guy shooting up the joint cos he thinks women owe him something. He's socially awkward, sure, but he's the last guy I envision shooting anyone. He shares no traits with the perpetrator. The psychopathy must have originated elsewhere; the Aspergers only could have fuelled what came from another source.
But getting off his MO, I wanna focus more on my own attitudes. Unfortunately, I bear more similarities to this guy than I'd like to bear. I too am in my early 20s, a virgin, and socially isolated (though not to the extent he was). My attitudes towards sex, however, have never EVER been anywhere near what this asshat took to be the truth. I've never thought rape to be acceptable or desirable, I've never felt entitled to sex, and I certainly don't think I'm some kind of 'perfect guy'. I'm skinnier than people half my age, I eat like a goddamn five year old, and I have very limited social skills--I'm about as far from perfect as men get, at least without turning into a wannabe rapist or serial killer or some shit.
But I still want what the perp wanted, to an extent: I want to be with women. I want a relationship. I want sex. And while I'm not inclined to go on a killing spree or start compromising on any other morals, it's something I'm really looking forward to, something I'm extra keen on finding and exploring. Unfortunately, this shooting, and people's reaction to it, has made reaching this goal much harder to justify.
I've been scared of approaching women for a long time, but I've known for a while that this is simply a fear of rejection and embarrassment that can result, not a fear of the gender itself. I would often justify this fear by saying to myself something along the lines of "well, what if you freak the woman out? What if you scare her? What if she thinks you're a rapist or some shit?" It was an internal reaction to justify avoiding the risk, seeing as the risk now involves them being harmed rather than just myself. It made it seem rude and ignorant to approach, rather than just potentially embarrassing. Skip to the start of uni: one of my classes this year had the lecturer ask "How many people in this room have been sexually assaulted?", wherein about a quarter of the women raised their hands. Upon seeing that, it made me go back to that supposed overreaction I used to have, and went "wow... perhaps I wasn't overreacting..."
Skip to the past week or so, and you run into this #NotAllMen & #YesAllWomen drama. From what I can gather, the basic synopsis is that women know that while not all men are liable to infringe on their health and autonomy, some men are liable, enough to make women paranoid of men on a daily basis. And this is all coming from women themselves; it's straight from the source, so I've no real reason to believe they're making this up.
But this is the exact same thing I was fooling myself to be scared of in the first place! Turns out that should have been my mindset, or at least it should be now!
Seriously, I can't work out why the fuck I would ever approach a woman if this is how they think. If this is all to be believed, women are going to be scared of me no matter what. It doesn't matter that I'm not a misogynist; it doesn't matter that I'm aware of women's plight; it doesn't matter that I want them to be happy. It simply doesn't matter because they know none of this, and I have no way of demonstrating those statements to be true, not without a great deal of time and resources, at least. I'd like to escape the fear of rejection and start chatting up women (or at least meeting more of them), but if the risk of scaring them is this high, why would I take such a risk? Why would I want to make them feel frightened just to kiss/fuck/date/talk to them? That sounds awful!
And before I get accused of derailing the conversation and being a nuisance and making everything about me, fuck off. Of course I'm gonna be reconsidering how I behave: that's what you're supposed to do when you learn about new perspectives. I'm not expecting women to read this... well I'm not expecting anyone to read this :P But I'm not expecting women to read this and go "Hey! This guy here's gonna get a bit peeved if we're extra cautious cos he says he won't try to flirt with us or anything. So uh, yeah, pack it up, guys; we dropped the ball on this one." I'm pretty sure my desires for intimacy and romance aren't really important compared to people's safety and peace of mind. But I honestly cannot work figure out what justification there could be for approaching women given the perceived risks. I don't want to scare women or make them uncomfortable, and deciding not to approach them at all seems like the only logical way to guarantee that outcome.
I know I could still be overreacting, but it seems like less of an overreaction every time this topic comes up.
Haven't written anything on here for a while, but there's been nothing much to write, really. Uni's just 'meh'; nothing of interest has happened thus far.
Today, I met up with a group of people I first had the pleasure of meeting two months ago at a friend's sleepover. I organised the outing, wanting to see the group again cos they were cool to hang with. We went for lunch and then to the arcade for a few hours, playing skeeball, lightgun games, bumper cars, and laser tag. Just focusing on the activities, it was a pretty fun day. I brought a friend to meet the group, and they seemed to get along, so that was good.
At the same time, though, it was very tense and upsetting. There's a girl in the group, Violet, who I had feelings for at the sleepover. I asked her out, and though she said she just got out of a relationship, I still kinda liked her after that. I knew what she said was probably a copout, but refused to entirely drop the idea that she was being honest with me, that it was only because she just got out of a relationship that she wasn't prepared to go out with me.
Though I mainly set the event up cos I missed the group as a whole and wanted to see them again, I knew Violet would probably tag along, and I wanted to see her again too. I wouldn't have been too disappointed if she didn't show—I still would have gotten to hang with everyone else—but I knew that if she did show, I might still have a shot. It would be a slim chance, and my feelings for her were nowhere near as strong as they were at the sleepover (rejection does that to you), but I knew that I was interested in who she was and wanted to know more about her. If she was now willing to go on a date with me, I wanted to make sure it happened; if not, no biggie, we can just be friends. I wasn't even willing to ask her out again unless it was clear she might have actually changed her mind. But I was willing to take a shot if the conditions were just right.
When we first got to the meet-up spot, most of the people weren't there; in fact, only one other person was. Most of the people showed up late. Violet was the second-last person to arrive. When she got there, she hugged her friends, waved to my friend, and ignored me. I thought that was odd, but I knew I could greet her whenever I wanted (I also wanted to introduce my friend to her like I had to everyone else). When Violet was in the line at the arcade getting her credit, I smiled and waved to her; she waved and looked away rather quickly. It became clear at this point that she wasn't comfortable communicating with me, so it started to confirm the rejection.
The rest of the day wasn't much better. Though I was openly talking and joking with everyone before Violet showed up, it was much harder to do that when she was there. I tried to hide my discomfort and join in, but it was very difficult. As I said, the activities were fun, but the activities were the only parts where I was distracted from the fact that Violet was there. We didn't exchange a single word throughout the meet-up, and we were at that arcade for over three hours. I felt horrible.
It wasn't the rejection, either. Yes, rejection hurts, but the majority of rejection pain came directly after I asked her out. It was a tough week, but I got through it. The reason I was upset is because I was making Violet upset without even trying. I wasn't hitting on her, I wasn't following her, I wasn't talking to her; I was just tagging along with the group. But the mere fact I was there seemed to be making Violet uncomfortable. I could tell by the look on her face, and by her reactions to things people did and said. Violet would openly talk to the others, but wouldn't say a word to me, or even look in my direction. She'd joke with the others and laugh at the others' jokes, but she wouldn't respond to anything I said or did at all.
I felt terrible. I wanted from the get-go, from the moment I started crushing on her, to make Violet happy and comfortable. I even wrote it in my fucking phone:
I dunno if we have enough in common to date, but I wanna take her out for coffee and learn everything about her. I wanna make her happy.
And even as a friend (a potential friend, at least), I want the very same, as I do with all my friends. I hate making my friends unhappy or uncomfortable; the very fact that I believed I made Violet uncomfortable at the sleepover itself brought me to tears while I was there, even if no one else was there to see it. And instead of making her happy and comfortable, I'm making Violet unhappy and uncomfortable, just by sharing the room with her. It's the exact opposite of the only thing I wanted to do for her.
I don't really have feelings for her anymore; I feel kind of empty right now as far as that goes. I know some other girl will eventually come along and take her place, even if it takes another year or two (which it very well may at this rate). But I still want Violet to be happy. I want it so much. I miss seeing her laugh and smile. I miss the comfort we had as a group before I asked her out. I want it back. But I can't get any of this across to her—I have no way of telling her, and it would be strange to tell someone these things anyway.
The group is meeting up again in late May for another sleepover. I'm now concerned that, with Violet also there, our combined presence will make the both of us uncomfortable once again, but this time for an entire weekend. I fucking refuse to let that happen. Either Violet becomes comfortable with my presence (because if she's comfortable with me, I'll be comfortable with her), or I don't go. I enjoy the group's company a great deal, and I believe they appreciate me too, which is fantastic. But it's not worth the risk of irritating Violet to hang out with them for my own sake. Violet is closer to them than I am; if it's a choice between the two of us, Violet wins, no question. They'll have more fun with her and without me than they will with me and without her, so if push comes to shove, I've gotta bite the bullet and miss out. I don't want to miss out—provided everything's cool between Violet and I, it'll probably be even more fun than it was last time—but if I have to miss out for Violet's sake, and for the group's sake, so be it.
I'm hoping to talk to one of the people in the group (the mother hen, if you will) to see if I can a) get this off my chest, and b) maybe get her to tell Violet I'm no longer interested and that I don't want shit to be awkward between us.
EDIT: After talking to the person I just mentioned, she basically said it was less discomfort and more a 'boundaries thing', combined with the fact that Violet isn't too outgoing in public places. I'm not sure how much I agree with that (it doesn't really explain why she didn't talk to me at all, including when we were away from crowds, or why she didn't even greet me when she showed up), but maybe she's right. I mean, she's closer to Violet than I am, so she'd know her better than I do. I know I'm feeling more upset about this than I probably should, but I don't know what exactly to make of this.
It was said that it'd get better over time, which is true. I just hope that when I go to the next sleepover, I won't be awkward around Violet, and vice-versa. That would be nice. I wish I could get to know her better, talk to her some more and learn who she is; but failing that, just being there with her and enjoying the weekend will be good enough for me.
This whole thing with the girl I asked out at the sleepover is still messing with me, or at least it started messing with me again tonight. With uni having started again, Violet hasn't been at the front of my mind, not often. I was correct in presuming that uni would distract me from thinking about her. But she's still up there. Even if she's in the back of my mind, she's still in my mind. It's starting to make me feel foolish and obsessive, even though I'm not really thinking about her anywhere near as often as I did after I got home from the sleepover.
The problem is that this whole situation is so ambivalent and unresolved. I sent Violet a friend request on Facebook, as I did with everyone else I met at the sleepover. Violet is one of only two out of six who haven't responded yet. At first, I was going back to her page every six hours or so to check if she'd seen the request, having learned that if she clicked Ignore, I'd only know if I went back to her page and saw "Add Friend" rather than "Friend Request Sent". Over time, it faded from memory, and eventually, I was only going back to her page every few days. Every time I went back, it still said "Friend Request Sent", and even though I could only see changes in her profile picture and her cover photo, there was no activity even there, so I believed she was just not on Facebook very often, hence not seeing the request. When I went back today, she'd changed her cover photo, meaning she's definitely logged on once since I sent the request. But it still says "Friend Request Sent", meaning that she either hasn't seen the request (even though she'd surely get an alert for it), or she has seen it and just didn't click anything.
While I know it'd hurt to have the request officially ignored, given the implications, it's hurting more to not even know if she's even seen it, or if she even cares. That's fucking with me. I don't like this, not at all. I want clarity and I'm getting none whatsoever. There are a million reasons she may not have accepted the request -- she may not have remembered who I am; she may not have recognised my profile picture/cover photo; she may have not seen the host of the sleepover as a mutual friend -- but I'm always inclined to assume the worst when it comes to these things.
I can understand the whole "you should just move on" thing, but that doesn't work unless you have something (or, in this case, someone) else to move onto. I've been attending uni for two years, and though it is true that I've been pretty socially isolated, I haven't even seen or heard of a girl like this at uni. And even if I do stand-up, the chances of me meeting a girl like this at the UniBar? Practically zero. Though it's true I could meet a girl at the UniBar (or anywhere else at uni) who could blow Violet out of the water in terms of attractiveness and potential compatibility, I haven't met such a girl yet, and until I do, Violet will not be leaving my mind. I know myself too well to deny this.
I don't even know how to describe my feelings for this girl with any word other than 'curiosity'. Though it's true I do like the thought of us being together as a couple, I believe this is because I just like to think of being with somebody, with Violet currently being that somebody. I like the idea of dating and having a girlfriend in general, so the thoughts I'm having now aren't too different than the ones I'd normally have, other than the fact that there's a specific person in the picture now. When it comes to thinking of Violet, what makes me happy more than anything is thinking about us getting to know each other. The thought of the two of us sitting down and just talking to each other. If I'm desperate for anything, it's an opportunity to get to get that knowledge, and for her to get the same knowledge about me. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about her, not anymore; all that comes into my head is "Goddamnit, who are you? What do you do? What do you like?" The idea of getting to be all cutesy and cuddly with her is nice, but the idea of getting to learn about her is ten times more enticing.
I cannot get over the potential I'm seeing here, no matter how much of a façade it could be. Just like the others in the group, Violet and I have so many things in common with one another that I can see us having lots of fun hanging out together. I can see us playing games together, talking about games together, joking around with each other, watching movies and YouTube videos together. To think of giving up on all that seems like squandered potential. But there's no way for me to tell her all this without coming across as weird, obsessive, desperate, and everything else I never want to come across as to this girl.
I've sent a message to my friend who hosted the sleepover about meeting the group again. This isn't just so I can see Violet again -- the group is great to hang with and I'd be thrilled to see them again -- but if Violet happens to come along, I've gotta be calm and not do anything silly. As I've said before, I just wanna treat her like I do everyone else in the group, and get contact details off her if the opportunity presents itself. I can't ask for anymore than that, neither from Violet nor myself.
sigh
I've been anxious on-and-off for the past week over meeting the group I had the sleepover with. I want to see them again so badly, but I don't wanna try and organise something right away in case I come off as needy or something. But one cool thing that happened at the sleepover is that I discovered one way I can have lots of fun: I can play video games with friends all night long. I don't think I've ever really stayed up with friends to play Super Smash Bros. before, but when I was there last Saturday, mashing away at those buttons, time flew by. I was happy, I was making jokes, I was winning some rounds, losing other rounds, but it didn't matter--I was fucking happy. I was with people who were like me, people who liked to do the same things I like to do, and that made me experience a whole new level of social comfort.
But my regular group of friends isn't like that, really. I mean, sure, they like video games--I've invited them over to play games plenty of times, and they seem to enjoy it--but would any of them stay up to play/watch games all evening? One or two, maybe, but the others probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't enjoy it as much as this other group did. I'm not trying to say I think less of my friends for this, cos I don't, but I've never had an experience like this before, and I wanna have it again.
And one of my other friends is, like, way off in terms of how she socialises. She's not a gamer, not really. She plays games (I recall her once telling me she beat one of the CoD games on Veteran, which is pretty cool), but she's not into it like I'm into it, no way. She's more into clubbing and stuff like that. And whenever I read about her going out, drinking, dancing, kissing guys, it makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I disagree with what she's doing--she can do whatever the fuck she wants--but part of me wants to like what she does, even though it's not really my kind of environment.
I've never really gone to a club before, and my desire to go has fluctuated. When I first turned 18, I had absolutely no interest in bars or clubs. I was even invited out twice during my first uni semester and I declined; not only would I have been unable to go due to a lack of ID, but I still didn't want to go. When I decided last year that I was gonna be more social and try more things, I became curious about what it'd be like to go to a club, and the idea of getting to mingle with chicks, and maybe kiss/go home with one, was appealing. Slowly but surely, I began to want to go. I was even annoyed when I couldn't go on my friend's 20th birthday (still no ID). I was irritated. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. So I stayed curious, wondering what it'd be like to go inside, to be surrounded by people, to hear that music, for it to be OK (in theory) to approach girls and dance with them.
But when I went to that sleepover, I didn't think about any of that. I was just there, in the moment, having a shitload of fun--the same kind of "I don't want this to ever end" fun that my friend describes when she's clubbing. It made me rethink my position: maybe I don't want to go out like my friend does. It's not like I've felt as though I've been forcing myself to want to go out; the desire was legitimate. I just dunno if I want it anymore.
I think it makes me uncomfortable to read about my friend going out not because I'm not into the clubbing scene, but because the clubbing scene is an avenue to other things I would like, which, in this case, is meeting girls. I know full well I could never really meet a girl to be in a long-term relationship with at a club, and that's what I'd prefer in the long run, but I think it'd be so cool to meet a girl at a club and (somehow :P) successfully flirt with her. I like the idea of losing myself in such a situation, taking the girl home, the two of us kissing and groping and fucking each other, totally giving into temptation and having a wild night together. The idea of flirting with a girl at a club? Scares me shitless. The idea of getting to make out and have sex with a girl? Too much fun to even possibly dismiss. I guess I get envious of my friend putting her self in the position where that can happen to her and not me. But where else can that happen? Not at a sleepover full of nerdy introverts, I can tell ya that much :P
But it doesn't matter that it can't happen there, cos even better things can happen. Like, let's say I went to some other sleepover with some other group of people, and there was a chick there I clicked with. What if we were watching a movie, and we were on the couch, and we were under a blanket together, and we started playing with each other's feet and holding hands under the covers. Then we shuffled closer together and started rubbing each others' arms and legs, just gently touching each other. Then maybe we slide our hands under the other's clothing to touch what we couldn't touch before. Maybe we even play with each other's thingies, get each other off in secret. See that? Same fucking outcome. Maybe not quite as open and wild, and maybe not as likely to happen, either, but I still get to be intimate and sexual with a woman I've just met. It wouldn't have to happen exactly like that, but that's the kind of thing I mean: these social situations which bring me comfort can also provide opportunities to further my sex life, removing the 'need' to go to clubs. There are ways it can happen; I just need to find these methods (and the balls to actually explore them :P).
I might be comfortable at a club if I was with friends, but it would be because my friends were there, not because I was at a club. I also only really have one friend (maybe two) who even go to clubs, so I wouldn't be surrounded by friends so much as I'd have one link to the group which I'd be relying on for comfort. From what my clubbing-friend tells me, people usually go to clubs in groups, so this comfort can be somewhat relied upon; but if I want to meet girls through the experience, especially if I want to get up close and personal with them, I would have to distance myself from the group, flying solo to some extent.
I'm not totally ruling out the idea of going to a club; I'm just saying that it probably won't be a place I thrive in, and that this isn't an issue. It's not like I'd be going to drink, or to 'let loose' (whatever the fuck that is); the only reasons I'd be going to be to a) dance, and b) pick up. That's fucking it: the activity offers nothing else of any value to me whatsoever. And I can dance on my own in my room whenever I like, to music that I can tolerate, without being judged, all for free--so if the only thing I want out of clubbing is pussy, and I can find pussy via other means, clubbing is essentially a complete waste of my time and money.
What I have to accept on an emotional level is that this is perfectly OK! I understand on a logical level that I can have differing interests to my peers and my age bracket. But emotionally, I get annoyed when I don't conform cos it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. That's what irritates me: the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin just cos I like different activities. Thankfully, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with (like this new group), that all goes away, and I can thrive as myself without being overly self-conscious. I hope I can find more people who I can be like this around, and more activities to do with said people, because that will allow me to discover what makes me comfortable and seek out my own comfort independently.
I must also explore this idea of sexy nerd parties where we play games and watch movies while letting hormones run wild. That sounds hot as fuck. I gotta get that shit organised ASAP :P
Today, I rethought the situation with Violet. Though I do still want to take her out for coffee, after going over how I'd approach such an invitation, it occurred to me that no matter how I ask, it's gonna come off as desperate and needy. It doesn't matter how I phrase the invitation: the fact of the matter is, I'm asking Violet a question she has already answered. This is a bad idea.
I still do honestly think that if Violet and I learned more about each other, there'd be potential for something cool, whether it be dating, friendship, or whatever else. There are lots of similarities between us that she doesn't know about, and all kinds of stuff she doesn't know about me. But even if we were to meet up for coffee, such a connection wouldn't happen overnight, especially given the last thing I did was ask her out. That needs to die down first.
So here's my new plan, one I can hopefully settle on. As I've previously said, I can't do anything right now. I have to wait it out. I certainly can't get in touch with Violet, not just because I have no contact details, but because it'd be awkward if I spoke to her this soon after asking her out anyway. I can't talk to her friends about this either because they'll see it the exact same way. I can talk to the other people I met at the sleepover, sure, just not about this.
What I'm waiting for is another meet-up with the group. I don't care if it's another sleepover, or a trip to the movies, or a lunch/dinner thing—I don't give a shit, so long as I get to see the group. I want to see them again anyway, so it'll be fun regardless of whether or not Violet goes, but this plan will only help settle the situation if she is there. If she isn't there, I simply have to not mention her at all.
But if Violet is there, I have to simply treat her like everyone else: say "hey" to her like I do everyone else, joke with her like I do everyone else, ask questions I'd only ask the others. It must come across as though she is just another member of the group, to get across that there are no hard feelings and that we can still be friends, just like I wanna be friends with the others.
The next step is get contact details from her so I can chat with her freely, and invite her to things, as well as go to more things the group goes to. I can do this with multiple members of the group, in fact. I can then talk to her, and if we like talking to each other one-on-one, we can talk regularly. If we like talking regularly, maybe we can meet up in person sometimes. And if, at any point, there's romantic interest on her part, I should be able to pick up on it and go from there. If not, we can just be friends.
Sometimes, I imagine Violet and I being together, just going on dates, holding each other, having long conversations with each other and stuff. Sometimes I imagine her as a friend who I've invited over to play Super Smash Bros. and Pokemon Stadium with. Both those dreams make me feel good. But then I think about the idea of her never being comfortable around me, or never getting to see her again (or any of the group), and it really hurts. I hate the idea of never seeing these people again; it fucking kills me. They were all so fun to be around. I wish I was around them right now, to be honest, Violet or no Violet. Being around them would make me feel less tense—not only would I get to hang with people who accept me, but I'd get to develop my friendships with them. I haven't met new friends in so long that I'm concerned about letting this opportunity slip, or not being vigilant enough and missing a meet-up by failing to ask what they're up to. A lot of this tension has little to do with Violet, in a way; it's about the bigger picture, one that involves the whole group and my part in it (or if I even have a part in it).
I also feel like time is going by really fast. Like, it's been a week since I met Violet. A whole week? It went by that quickly? I know the three days I spent with the group went by fast, but Jesus Christ... it was a whole fucking week ago. I've hardly even done anything in the past five days! Man, I feel like my head is spinning out of control cos of that. It's like if I blink, I'll miss something important.
But yeah, for now, I really wanna see them again. I wanna see the whole group. Seeing Violet on her own would be pretty awkward; in a way, I really only wanna see her with the others. But I do hope she's there the next time, so I can see her, so I can see she's comfortable around me and know that we can have fun together in the future. I'm nervous because there's nothing planned for the group at the moment (certainly nothing I know anything about), but they did speak about having another sleepover soon. I hope I can get an invite to that. I think I'll get a huge sense of relief, and something really cool to look forward to, if I get invited to another meet-up with them.
Uni starts next week, so that should take my mind off this. I may even meet more new people—who knows? I'm also looking to get a job on one/both of my two days off, which should help as a distraction and as a source of income, which I need right now. But at the moment, I'm tense, and still in over my head. I've been talking to a friend whenever I need to vent, and she's been really helpful in that respect, but I don't wanna burden her too much, and I also want this to just not be a thing I have to vent about in the first place. For now, there's nothing much I can do, but I think about a week from now, I'll ask the host of the sleepover if the group has any plans, just to see if anything's in the air. Hell, maybe I could organise something! Organise a trip to Sydney, go to Timezone or something, that could be fun.
Hoping I'll be comfortable once again soon.
I'm hurting right now. I don't know how much of it is my fault and how much is just bad luck, but I've been tense all day. This stuff relates to a sleepover I went to that went from Friday to Sunday, and I wanted to post the story of that first, but I suppose I'll just skip to the moneyshot so I can get this out of my system (even though I've spoken to a friend and it's still there...). For the record, the sleepover was fucking awesome, and I met eight amazing people who I had an insane amount of fun with. Though I made some mistakes along the way, I don't regret going at all.
So when I went for the sleepover, the other guests were all from the host's college; I, on the other hand, was from the host's high school, so they were all strangers to me. There was one girl there who, for the sake of this entry, I shall refer to as 'Violet'. For some reason, I thought she reminded me of Violet from The Incredibles—in retrospect, I don't actually see much resemblance. Her hair seems be based off Suzie's grump-face (which looks like this), but I'll call her Violet anyway.
Violet was one of the last to arrive on the Friday, and when I saw her, I thought she was really cute. She had black hair with a blonde highlight on the front, with a beautiful smile, and a thin build. As the night went on, I started crushing on her really hard. I loved her laugh, I learned she likes the same YouTube channels I do, and that she's a gamer, big time. Not being able to contain my feelings, I told a friend in private that I liked her, but she walked past the room we were in while we were talking, so I was somewhat afraid she'd overheard what I said. After a mostly-fantastic two nights, on the Sunday, I actually managed to ask her out.
Here is what happened, verbatim, to the best of my recollection:
Violet is due to leave in a few minutes. She and a few others head towards the door.
"Hey, Violet, could we talk for a minute?"
"Yeah, sure!"
Violet comes to me, but we don't go anywhere private; all the other guests are standing nearby.
"Uh, did you happen to overhear the conversation [the host] and I were having on Friday in the other room?"
"No, I didn't hear anything"
"Oh. Well, uh, we were talking about how I like you."
Violet smiles and laughs
"I was worried that you overheard the conversation and that I might have offended you or something"
I'm not sure what Violet said here, if anything, or even if she heard that last line.
"I don't know if you're interested, or..."
"Well, I'm very flattered, but I just got out of a relationship, so..."
"Oh, that's not a problem then, no worries. So long as everything's cool between us, cos you guys [the whole group] are super cool and I'd love to hang with you again, so yeah."
"It was nice to meet you too!"
Violet holds her hand out and we shake hands.
At first, I took "I just got out of a relationship" to mean 'no', but I was still stoked I pulled it off given I haven't asked a girl out since my ex, and that was three-and-a-half years ago. I came home feeling triumphant: I didn't get the answer I wanted, but I more-or-less expected a 'no' anyway (because I thought she already knew due to hearing that conversation I mentioned earlier), so I wasn't torn over the rejection. I just revelled in the fact that I managed to conquer my fear of asking a girl out, if only once.
In telling friends about what I did, they both said "well, if she said 'I just got out of a relationship', maybe she meant she isn't ready for a date right now, but may be willing in the future". I was like "...what? I thought it was just a copout", because I was sure she just wanted to reject me without hurting my feelings. I don't think she was lying about just getting out of a relationship, but I was pretty sure she only said it to avoid rejecting me on a personal basis, just to not make me feel bad. I've never been fed this line before, but it wasn't hard to decode, and my Google-fu confirmed my suspicions regarding the true meaning of what she said.
The thing is, as soon as my friends suggested that it might not mean that, I began to regain hope of getting to ask Violet out, thinking that if I waited until the next time we met, if the conditions were right, I could try again. Hope started to return to me.
Today, I felt the opposite: the hope started to run away from me. I told my mum the story of what happened (she was sick so I couldn't tell her as soon as I got home), and she also told me it was probably a copout. She admitted this could be wrong, but that it probably wasn't. She also said that because I asked Violet out in front of her friends, she was more likely to use a copout so she didn't come across as a jerk in front of them.
The words she used weren't the only problem, though—I also started to regret how I phrased my invitation. When I was there, I remembered quite common advice I found in r/seduction and r/socialskills which said you should be assertive and specific when asking girls out. Like, you should make the offer in the imperative ("Let's go out!") rather than as a question ("Would you like to go out?"); and you should make the date for a specific activity, place, date, and time rather than leaving it open. Both these things supposedly make you come across as more confident and leave less decisions that need to be made by the person you're asking out. This is something people subconsciously like, apparently. Rejection can still occur; you're just more likely to get a 'yes', I suppose.
I knew I couldn't make it for a specific place because Violet lives in Sydney and I don't, so I'd have to organise that with her later on, because I wanted to travel up there to save her the hassle. I'd have been happy to ride the train for two hours up and two back to meet up with her, absolutely. I also knew the date/time could be a problem for the same reason. But I did want to offer a specific activity: meeting for coffee. Casual, cheap, allows us to talk and get to know each other—the perfect activity. The problem is that I only said "I don't know if you're interested" and stopped there, rather than saying "I don't know if you're interested in meeting up for coffee sometime", or, better yet, "Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" For all I know, she thought I meant "I don't know if you're interested in being in a relationship", which is way too forward.
I'm anxious because I don't know why I was rejected. It could be any combination of a) the fact Violet just got out of a relationship, b) the fact I worded my invitation wrong, and c) Violet just not really being into me at all. If it's Option A, that's my bad luck, but if I'm patient, I might be able to ask later and see if she's open then. If it's Option C, then there's nothing I can really do about that. But if it's Option B, I'm going to be really irritated. If I learned she didn't want to go out with me simply because I chose the wrong fucking words... goddamn it.
I don't know if I'm crushing on Violet anymore, but a huge part of me still wants to meet with her for coffee, cos I wanna get to know more about her. We didn't talk too much at the sleepover, certainly not mono-a-mono, but with what I know about her from listening to her at the sleepover, I know we have a lot in common. There are lots of things we both like that she doesn't know I like, and there are lots of things she doesn't know about me full stop (like I never mentioned to anyone in the group that I do stand-up), so maybe if she's aware of those things, we can become closer.
For now, I can't really do anything other than distract myself. I'm still kinda hurting, but that comes with the territory. I've sent Violet a friend request on Facebook (same for everyone who went), but she hasn't accepted hers yet (though everyone else has). I don't believe she's on Facebook often, but hopefully, next time she's on, she accepts the request—it's the only communication avenue I'm going to have. Having her accept it will also make me feel a little less tense, like it's a sign she's cool with being friends.
But I have a plan. I still wanna meet with Violet, which I think I can do: it just can't be a 'date'. I don't even want it to be a date: I just wanna chat to her, hang out, have fun. So, I'll give it some time, and if I can get in touch with her (hopefully not through Facebook, cos she'll never respond), I'll ask to meet up with her for coffee where she lives. In constructing my invite, I'll have to be very very clear that it's not a date and that I just wanna meet up cos I think it'd be fun. My mum suggested I do it on a day where I take a friend to Sydney for other things: this could be a good idea. I'd be asking Violet if she wants to meet up when I'm already in Sydney, rather than me travelling to Sydney specifically to meet with her, which could come off as a bit extreme. The friend I'll go with has similar interests to Violet, too; and she's a girl, so it'll be more comfortable for Violet.
The way I see this working is as follows: if Violet isn't interested in anything romantic, which I predict, then we can just hang out, chat, learn about each other, and maybe it'll be the start of a friendship. If, for whatever reason, she is open to more than friendship, it will come across when we meet up, and we can explore that if it goes in that direction. Either way, I'll get to see her again, I'll get to learn more about who she is, and she'll get to learn about me.
To be honest, I wanna see the whole group again, too, because I had a fantastic time with them. They were so kind, so accepting, and so funny to be around. But ironically, though I crushed on her, Violet is the one I know the least about. I'm just curious about her, you know? As far away as she is, and as disconnected as we currently are, I'm still game to meet her. I know I've got my whole life ahead of me, and there are heaps of women out there, but given how close we are in terms of similarities, I don't see myself meeting a girl like Violet for a while. So I should make the most of it, even if we're just friends. Maybe I could become closer to the whole group and become really integrated—that would make me really happy.
I hate the tension, though. I'm so uncomfortable that I wish I was with the group again just so I could be comfortable once more, because I felt so free around them, like I could joke around and be myself. I'm so glad to have met them; I think I'd feel ten times worse if I was told I'd never see any of them again. But Violet is still special to me. I hope we can at least be friends.
