Cos I want to :) I've wanted to talk about it for a few days, but my urge to write came from being horny, and I ended up dealing with that in... other ways :P I'm not horny at all right now, so I'll be able to write without being distracted, not to mention that whatever I end up writing will be a little more reasonable and subdued than it might have been.
The main thing is that I'm basically more interested in having sex than I was before—like, substantially more interested. I'm not sitting here thinking "man I have got to get laid", but I'm thinking a lot more about when it'll happen and how it'll go down. I've been looking at myself in the mirror a lot (something I've never really done), thought about how I look, etc. I've been contemplating where I'll be when I meet the girl, how I'll start conversation, how I'll flirt with her. I've nothing specific in mind that I wanna try, nor even the willpower to go out and make this happen; I'm just toying with the idea in my head, cos it's fun.
I'm curious as to what a woman will think of my body. On one hand, I'm mostly in proportion, all my bits are in the normal places, my face isn't abysmal—I don't need to worry about them thinking I look dreadful. It's more the little things I'm worried about. Like the fact that, while my body's in proportion, it has no substance to it. There's hardly any muscle or fat. I'm not anorexic (I've seen that shit, I look fine compared to them :P), but most men are just flat-out bulkier than me, even other skinny dudes. I definitely have some fat and muscle; there just isn't much. My arms and legs in particular are super-thin. It kinda makes me doubt that any woman will want to touch me if there's nothing there for them to actually touch :P And while my face is fine, it does have that red pimply tinge to it, not to mention my upper chest having the same thing. As much as I try to get rid of it, it's not going anywhere, at least not yet. The last thing I fuckin' need is to take a girl home, take my shirt off, and have her go "ew, why are there pimples on your chest?" My teeth being out of place and my tongue being super-short make me question if I can kiss properly (will my teeth collide with hers? If my tongue can't reach into her mouth, is that a problem?).
Though I've never had any actual issues based on these factors, I feel as though they could be problematic. Obviously each girl is different as to what they're looking for, but this is more about not meeting the most basic of standards. While I know at least one girl has found me 'cute', the number of girls who've found me 'hot' has never risen above zero :P I can say with a fair amount of confidence that there are no women on this planet who've wanted to fuck me thus far. So I really have no clue what to expect when I try to hit on (or manage to sleep with) a girl, at least in response to my physicality
On a(n ironic) side note, I'm actually not at all concerned about the size of my cock. It's not small, and it's not too big either; it's perfect :) And if you look at it mathematically, if the rest of my body is small, that makes my dick look slightly bigger... totally helpful :P
One may say "it's more about confidence than looks". Well sure, but how much? How many visual flaws can sheer confidence account for? I can't really see myself wanting to be with a girl who's all about looks and doesn't care about personality at all, even if it's a hook-up, but if they're gonna sleep with me, surely they're gonna want something nice to look at and touch :P I dunno. Maybe confidence does turn certain girls on more than looks do.
Cos that's pretty much all I'm looking for in a girl: one who's horny for me. I don't wanna get laid for the sake of getting laid; I wanna get laid cos there's someone else out there who wants to fuck me. I'm so curious as to what it'd be like to have a girl actually wanting me sexually, cos I've never experienced that before. I want the girl to want me just as much as I want them, to be feeling me up and groping me just as much as I'm doing it to them, to want my clothes off as badly as I want theirs off. It might take a while to find a girl like that, but it'd be worth the wait. I have absolutely no interest in fucking some random chick just cos she wants to be my first, or cos she's desperate and has low/no standards. Fuck that :P
I'm also a lot more open to the idea of a one night stand than I was before. I don't just want it more: I feel more ready for it, more capable of dealing with it. I've been fantasising about it a lot more, even though my fantasises up to this point have usually of the romantic sort. It just seems so exciting to take a new person home knowing they're so into you that they wanna skip the formalities and just bang you. I'm still far more privy to something long-term—that hasn't changed, and probably never will—but the hook-up experience is one I very much want to have.
I've even fantasised about having sex at the place we meet, not even wanting to go home. Going to the club bathroom, going outside to a park, sneaking into a bedroom at a party—just wanting it so bad that we have to get to it right away. I'm so curious as to what that urge looks like for a girl, and what it'll feel like knowing their urge is for me specifically. And I think I'd actually go through with that, as timid as I might seem. That scenario is exciting as all hell!
But yeah, I definitely feel comfortable with the idea of sex now, at least a lot more comfortable. When I wanted to hook up at my Year 12 Formal, I saw it more as a rite-of-passage thing. I was definitely attracted to the girls I wanted to approach, but there was no thought in my mind as to how comfortable it would be for either party. But now, I'm confident I could get in there and have some fun sexy times. And while I do have my aforementioned doubts about my physicality, that's the stuff I'd have to get out of the way before I talk to the girl, not once we're in the bedroom. Once that dick is hard, bodily-confidence is a non-issue, believe me :P
I've also thought about the kinds of things I'm looking for in a girl's body. I've come to the conclusion that while there are definitely some physical traits I'm really into on their own, it's more about their body as a whole. Like, I can quite confidently say I'm into redheads with really pale skin, or that I find glasses sexy, or that I like girls that are curvy and have a bit of meat on their bones more than skinny ones, but not one of those traits has to be there for me to find a girl hot. The last girl I wanted to date had many physical traits I may not have liked on their own, but cos her body was so fucking adorable as a whole, she was incredibly beautiful despite that (and being really interested in her personality helps, cos that introduces a filter that covers pretty much any physical flaw)
What's weird is that I don't often see women I find sexually attractive. I don't know what it is, but even if they fit the traits I like, it's rare for me to see a girl on the street where I'm like "wow, she looks good". It's not like I'm trying to look for hot chicks when I'm walking around, which could well be why it's so rare, but yeah, it doesn't happen often. I hope I'm not super-picky... I don't wanna be. Or maybe it's like girls I have heartfelt crushes on: perhaps I have to know something about their personality (or their sexuality, in this case) before I develop any lust. Not 100% sure.
And there's so much about the act that excites me! It's not just the 'penis-in-vagina' part—that's, like, one part. The making out, the feel-ups, touching her boobs, touching her stomach, fingering her, getting a handjob, a blowjob, making her cum, having her make me cum—all stuff I'm looking forward to experiencing eventually. Even if the girl and I don't go all the way, it'll still be great, at least in terms of it being a new experience.
I dunno when it'll happen, or even when I'll be somewhere it could happen, but hopefully it will soon :)
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
Friday, 7 November 2014
Comedy Adventure: Onto Plan B
...or Plan C. Plan D? How many of my plans haven't worked thus far? :P
I'm fairly sure at this point that I'm not gonna hear back from the local comedy club. I could, but I'm not getting my hopes up. This has forced me to rethink my approach once again. Given local options are exhausted, and daytime options in Sydney are also off the table (at least temporarily), I must now consider night time Sydney options.
It's not all bad, but it's not all good, either. On one hand, there are multiple places in Sydney that definitely do open-mic stuff, which is fantastic--I've got multiple places I can go, making it easier to find a convenient location, and allowing me to perform multiple times to different audiences, allowing a more-thorough refining of my material. On the other hand, it's at night time... and night time is scary cos you can get robbed and shit :P I can't go alone; I don't have the street smarts a person needs for such an activity to be even remotely safe. And while I know my mum would gladly take me up there cos she's heaps supportive of what I do, I don't want to burden her anymore than I already have, cos I'm in for a lot of favours on her part in the next few weeks (including an already-planned trip to Sydney to see a TV taping, and a sleepover which she's paid for in full). It's not fair to do that to her.
But I did think of one thing that could work: inviting friends! While it's a bad time right now due to exams and stuff, I figure that after exams, I can simply make a post on Facebook saying I'm gonna perform and seeing if anyone would be interested in coming with me. That way I get to have someone with me, so I'm with a companion in Sydney (and hopefully while in transit); and it can be more of a social thing, too. Might go somewhere for food or whatever--maybe we'll even go up early and spend the day up there. Who knows?
I wonder if I'm behind on this whole 'exploring alone' thing. I mean, friends of mine have gone to other countries by themselves without facing harm. But this is going out alone, at night time, somewhere I'm not familiar with, in a body that cannot defend itself. I don't have an issue being scared of that--being scared of that makes perfect sense to me, cos there's a genuine threat of violence--but would other people find that cowardly? I won't even leave my house on foot after 8pm unless I absolutely have to; how am I gonna fare in a place I'm not even familiar with? I know women talk all the time about travelling in groups to deter predators, but surely the fear of being attacked isn't limited to them. Obviously, I don't fear being raped, but that's not the only thing that can happen to you--I definitely fear getting robbed or attacked at night, particularly losing my wallet & phone, cos it means I have no way to get home, or even contact home. The fear of being stranded 80km away from home is legit scary to me. I mean, maybe it's rare for anyone to go out at night alone in the way I'm describing. But maybe it's not. I'm too sheltered to know :P
It's something I need to get used to, though, if I pursue comedy, cos it is a thing comedians will probably do regularly: make their way to/from shows on their own, most of which are at night. And I suppose that'll get easier as I get older--it's certainly not something I have to worry about doing in the immediate future--but it's not a nice thought. I mean, I haven't even gone out at night in a group, at least not super late, early-hours-of-the-morning late, cos it's not the kind of thing I'm into. Part of me wants to try it just to see what it's like bouncing from place to place at night. Just sucks that such bouncing is usually from bar to bar or club to club. As much as I would like to try going to a club one day, spending the night out in that atmosphere, the idea of bouncing from video arcade to video arcade sounds way cooler :P
It's so weird how backwards this seems. Public speaking is a huge fear for a lot of people, but to me, it's piss easy, cos I've done it heaps of times. I mean, I'm nervous as fuck before I walk on stage, but once I get that first laugh, I'm fairly comfortable out there. Most people can't make eye contact with an audience, or talk too fast, or mumble when they talk. Most people also aren't comfortable putting several minutes of their own jokes to a crowd by themselves, for fear of no laughter. Meanwhile, most people my age can go out at night without feeling that nervous, just doing it, and I'm sitting here like "holy shit that looks super fuckin' dangerous, I'll stay home and play Super Mario cos I don't wanna dddiieee D:". I honestly wanna be less scared of things like that, at least to the point of being able to do them. You obviously still have to be careful at night no matter what, cos there are risks involved everywhere you go, and bad people all over the place. But there's way more good people than bad people.
So yeah. Won't be able to even ask until exams are over (at least nearly over). But hopefully I can get a few people together and we can make this happen. Not gonna quit.
I'm fairly sure at this point that I'm not gonna hear back from the local comedy club. I could, but I'm not getting my hopes up. This has forced me to rethink my approach once again. Given local options are exhausted, and daytime options in Sydney are also off the table (at least temporarily), I must now consider night time Sydney options.
It's not all bad, but it's not all good, either. On one hand, there are multiple places in Sydney that definitely do open-mic stuff, which is fantastic--I've got multiple places I can go, making it easier to find a convenient location, and allowing me to perform multiple times to different audiences, allowing a more-thorough refining of my material. On the other hand, it's at night time... and night time is scary cos you can get robbed and shit :P I can't go alone; I don't have the street smarts a person needs for such an activity to be even remotely safe. And while I know my mum would gladly take me up there cos she's heaps supportive of what I do, I don't want to burden her anymore than I already have, cos I'm in for a lot of favours on her part in the next few weeks (including an already-planned trip to Sydney to see a TV taping, and a sleepover which she's paid for in full). It's not fair to do that to her.
But I did think of one thing that could work: inviting friends! While it's a bad time right now due to exams and stuff, I figure that after exams, I can simply make a post on Facebook saying I'm gonna perform and seeing if anyone would be interested in coming with me. That way I get to have someone with me, so I'm with a companion in Sydney (and hopefully while in transit); and it can be more of a social thing, too. Might go somewhere for food or whatever--maybe we'll even go up early and spend the day up there. Who knows?
I wonder if I'm behind on this whole 'exploring alone' thing. I mean, friends of mine have gone to other countries by themselves without facing harm. But this is going out alone, at night time, somewhere I'm not familiar with, in a body that cannot defend itself. I don't have an issue being scared of that--being scared of that makes perfect sense to me, cos there's a genuine threat of violence--but would other people find that cowardly? I won't even leave my house on foot after 8pm unless I absolutely have to; how am I gonna fare in a place I'm not even familiar with? I know women talk all the time about travelling in groups to deter predators, but surely the fear of being attacked isn't limited to them. Obviously, I don't fear being raped, but that's not the only thing that can happen to you--I definitely fear getting robbed or attacked at night, particularly losing my wallet & phone, cos it means I have no way to get home, or even contact home. The fear of being stranded 80km away from home is legit scary to me. I mean, maybe it's rare for anyone to go out at night alone in the way I'm describing. But maybe it's not. I'm too sheltered to know :P
It's something I need to get used to, though, if I pursue comedy, cos it is a thing comedians will probably do regularly: make their way to/from shows on their own, most of which are at night. And I suppose that'll get easier as I get older--it's certainly not something I have to worry about doing in the immediate future--but it's not a nice thought. I mean, I haven't even gone out at night in a group, at least not super late, early-hours-of-the-morning late, cos it's not the kind of thing I'm into. Part of me wants to try it just to see what it's like bouncing from place to place at night. Just sucks that such bouncing is usually from bar to bar or club to club. As much as I would like to try going to a club one day, spending the night out in that atmosphere, the idea of bouncing from video arcade to video arcade sounds way cooler :P
It's so weird how backwards this seems. Public speaking is a huge fear for a lot of people, but to me, it's piss easy, cos I've done it heaps of times. I mean, I'm nervous as fuck before I walk on stage, but once I get that first laugh, I'm fairly comfortable out there. Most people can't make eye contact with an audience, or talk too fast, or mumble when they talk. Most people also aren't comfortable putting several minutes of their own jokes to a crowd by themselves, for fear of no laughter. Meanwhile, most people my age can go out at night without feeling that nervous, just doing it, and I'm sitting here like "holy shit that looks super fuckin' dangerous, I'll stay home and play Super Mario cos I don't wanna dddiieee D:". I honestly wanna be less scared of things like that, at least to the point of being able to do them. You obviously still have to be careful at night no matter what, cos there are risks involved everywhere you go, and bad people all over the place. But there's way more good people than bad people.
So yeah. Won't be able to even ask until exams are over (at least nearly over). But hopefully I can get a few people together and we can make this happen. Not gonna quit.
Wednesday, 29 October 2014
Bullshit: Straight Up Bullshit
Grumble grumble grumble
OK, first on the bullshit list: my local Asian supermarket used to sell these awesome Pringle knock-offs. They were fucking delicious, much tastier than real Pringles, and cheaper too. I only discovered them a month ago, but I've bought a shitload since then. I walked in today... all gone. All. Gone. And other stuff was on the shelf in its place, so I don't think they're gonna stock them anymore I just found them! And I've never seen them anywhere else, let alone anywhere nearby--I can't even find them online. I'm gonna go check another Asian supermarket tomorrow, but I don't think I'm gonna find them there.
Second, and more importantly, on the bullshit list: I looked at the Sydney Uni comedy page on Facebook today to yet again try and work out how to contact them, seeing as they don't respond to Facebook messages or emails. I knew their show tomorrow might be the last show they do for the year, seeing as they don't put on shows during the holidays. They also don't seem to respond to posts on their wall, even if they're inquiries about wanting to perform; but they do respond to comments on the events they post for each week. Thing is, they post these events, like, 2–3 hours before the show starts, and it's in Sydney; it's basically gonna take me 2–3 hours to even get there, leaving no time for them to respond before I have to leave.
So, given I don't have a lecture tomorrow, what I thought I'd do was wait till they post the event on Facebook, immediately ask if I could perform there, then high-tail it to the train station and make my way up to the bar where they perform. Once I found somewhere with wifi, I could check their response. If it was a yes, then yippee, I get to perform; if not, no biggie, I can still watch the show anyway.
Seeing as it is their final show, they posted the event early this time. Unfortunately, for me, their final show of the year is women-performers only. That shits me up the wall. Not the fact they have a women's only show—it's their bar, they can run the show however they want—but rather the fact I contact them three fucking weeks ago about this shit and couldn't even get a response before one of the other 3 non-segregated shows they had. It's not like I left this till the last minute; I gave myself plenty of time, but there's nothing I can do when they don't reply, now is there? How the fuck do they even set this up if there's no way to get in contact with them? How? That doesn't make any sense to me. Even if they came back with a 'no', I'd be fine, cos that's closure. This is just annoying. I'll try again next year for sure, but seriously, respond this time. Please.
On a slightly more positive note, I've asked the local comedy club if I can do open mic. No response yet (I did only ask last night :P), but hopefully they actually get back to me. These guys were, if I remember correctly, advertising their open mic thingy in town for a while, but when I went to their site, there was no mention of open mic at all, so I don't even know if they still do it. In any case, I shall report when they get back to me.
It also won't intercede with my sleepover; I fucked up the maths on that one. So I can't take my friends to see me perform live, but I can hopefully get it taped so they can watch the video if they want to (or I can just perform it for them, whatever. I don't even know if they wanna see it at all yet :P).
I've also noticed some weird social behaviours of mine. I went to a comedy show recently, and after the show, the comedian offered to sell/sign DVDs and take pictures. I always take that offer when I see it. I get another comedy special to watch, I capture a memory to cherish, and I support someone I want to support--what's not to like? Perhaps the fact that as soon as I walked up to the table to line up for my DVD, I was nervous as shit. I was like "why am I nervous? This guy's cool! He's a cool guy. He's about as far from a dickhead as you can get. What are you afraid of?" I couldn't answer those questions, nor stop myself from freaking out. When I got my picture taken with him, I was incredibly tense; I couldn't relax at all. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong: he offered to take pictures, and was happy to do it. I really hate that, when I feel embarrassed and I don't know why.
Second thing that happened: I went into town one day, and someone I knew in high school was on the bus. I didn't see them until I got off, when they tapped me on the shoulder to say hi. Everything went fine for about 30 seconds, until I realised he was walking past where I needed to go, and instead of saying "I have to go, talk to you later" or something, I literally just stopped and took out my iPod for a minute, looked to make sure he was far enough away (or at least that he knew I wasn't next to him anymore), then went where I needed to go. Seriously, what was that? Would he honestly have cared if I said I needed to go into the building I was right beside, rather than wherever he was going? It's not like I don't like the guy—had we had a similarly-placed destination, I would happily have walked and chatted with him the whole way—so why did I just stop? That's really weird, and also impolite, something I try not to be. I honestly thought about messaging him on Facebook to apologise :P
Shall post again when I get a response from the local comedy club (and if the 'no response' trend keeps up, you may never hear from me again :P).
OK, first on the bullshit list: my local Asian supermarket used to sell these awesome Pringle knock-offs. They were fucking delicious, much tastier than real Pringles, and cheaper too. I only discovered them a month ago, but I've bought a shitload since then. I walked in today... all gone. All. Gone. And other stuff was on the shelf in its place, so I don't think they're gonna stock them anymore I just found them! And I've never seen them anywhere else, let alone anywhere nearby--I can't even find them online. I'm gonna go check another Asian supermarket tomorrow, but I don't think I'm gonna find them there.
Second, and more importantly, on the bullshit list: I looked at the Sydney Uni comedy page on Facebook today to yet again try and work out how to contact them, seeing as they don't respond to Facebook messages or emails. I knew their show tomorrow might be the last show they do for the year, seeing as they don't put on shows during the holidays. They also don't seem to respond to posts on their wall, even if they're inquiries about wanting to perform; but they do respond to comments on the events they post for each week. Thing is, they post these events, like, 2–3 hours before the show starts, and it's in Sydney; it's basically gonna take me 2–3 hours to even get there, leaving no time for them to respond before I have to leave.
So, given I don't have a lecture tomorrow, what I thought I'd do was wait till they post the event on Facebook, immediately ask if I could perform there, then high-tail it to the train station and make my way up to the bar where they perform. Once I found somewhere with wifi, I could check their response. If it was a yes, then yippee, I get to perform; if not, no biggie, I can still watch the show anyway.
Seeing as it is their final show, they posted the event early this time. Unfortunately, for me, their final show of the year is women-performers only. That shits me up the wall. Not the fact they have a women's only show—it's their bar, they can run the show however they want—but rather the fact I contact them three fucking weeks ago about this shit and couldn't even get a response before one of the other 3 non-segregated shows they had. It's not like I left this till the last minute; I gave myself plenty of time, but there's nothing I can do when they don't reply, now is there? How the fuck do they even set this up if there's no way to get in contact with them? How? That doesn't make any sense to me. Even if they came back with a 'no', I'd be fine, cos that's closure. This is just annoying. I'll try again next year for sure, but seriously, respond this time. Please.
On a slightly more positive note, I've asked the local comedy club if I can do open mic. No response yet (I did only ask last night :P), but hopefully they actually get back to me. These guys were, if I remember correctly, advertising their open mic thingy in town for a while, but when I went to their site, there was no mention of open mic at all, so I don't even know if they still do it. In any case, I shall report when they get back to me.
It also won't intercede with my sleepover; I fucked up the maths on that one. So I can't take my friends to see me perform live, but I can hopefully get it taped so they can watch the video if they want to (or I can just perform it for them, whatever. I don't even know if they wanna see it at all yet :P).
I've also noticed some weird social behaviours of mine. I went to a comedy show recently, and after the show, the comedian offered to sell/sign DVDs and take pictures. I always take that offer when I see it. I get another comedy special to watch, I capture a memory to cherish, and I support someone I want to support--what's not to like? Perhaps the fact that as soon as I walked up to the table to line up for my DVD, I was nervous as shit. I was like "why am I nervous? This guy's cool! He's a cool guy. He's about as far from a dickhead as you can get. What are you afraid of?" I couldn't answer those questions, nor stop myself from freaking out. When I got my picture taken with him, I was incredibly tense; I couldn't relax at all. It wasn't like I was doing anything wrong: he offered to take pictures, and was happy to do it. I really hate that, when I feel embarrassed and I don't know why.
Second thing that happened: I went into town one day, and someone I knew in high school was on the bus. I didn't see them until I got off, when they tapped me on the shoulder to say hi. Everything went fine for about 30 seconds, until I realised he was walking past where I needed to go, and instead of saying "I have to go, talk to you later" or something, I literally just stopped and took out my iPod for a minute, looked to make sure he was far enough away (or at least that he knew I wasn't next to him anymore), then went where I needed to go. Seriously, what was that? Would he honestly have cared if I said I needed to go into the building I was right beside, rather than wherever he was going? It's not like I don't like the guy—had we had a similarly-placed destination, I would happily have walked and chatted with him the whole way—so why did I just stop? That's really weird, and also impolite, something I try not to be. I honestly thought about messaging him on Facebook to apologise :P
Shall post again when I get a response from the local comedy club (and if the 'no response' trend keeps up, you may never hear from me again :P).
Tuesday, 21 October 2014
Quite a few posts recently but sometimes shit just happens :P
Like this shit:
Which I turned into this shit:
Might even make some more if I can. They're making this way too easy.
Which I turned into this shit:
Might even make some more if I can. They're making this way too easy.
Sunday, 19 October 2014
Energy: Up Here and Down There
Still no response. Shall give them until next Wednesday, and then I'll just stick a comment on an existing post, a recent one so they can't possibly miss it. If it's out in the open and they don't respond, then I honestly don't know what the fuck to do :P
Also, out of curiosity, I looked up if my local comedy club is still doing open mic stuff -- I think they are, but I'm not 100% sure. I shall ask. One thing I did notice was that seeing as they do comedy every second Saturday, and they did it last night, they'll be doing it again in four weeks, when I'm having my sleepover. I could take my guests to see me perform! Would be a nice break from all the games, and they'd all get to see me make lulz. I wanted to test my material on them anyway, just at some random point over the weekend, but now I might be able to do it properly, on an actual stage, with a less biased audience. May not work out that way, particularly if someone's already scabbed the open mic spot for that week, or if they aren't doing open mic stuff anymore, but still, a thought nonetheless :) Shall ask tomorrow.
I was also wondering tonight about hooking up, just having thoughts about it. I've been a lot more open to the idea over the last few months, just in general. I know I'd prefer a relationship, something steady and consistent with more to it than just sex, but the idea of fucking a girl is just fascinating the shit out of me right now and I don't know why. Like, I know if I don't jerk off for a while, that's when the urge comes up (which makes perfect sense, really). So that makes me wonder: if I abstained from masturbation up until that urge came up, then went into a situation where hooking up was actually possible (even if it's an environment I haven't been in before, like a club or a bar), would I actually do anything? Would that lust, by itself, be enough to push me over the edge, leading me to try my luck? Or would I still not be comfortable enough to give it a shot? The only way to find out is to actually put me in that situation.
Cos maybe it's like when I'm crushing on a girl: the feelings could get to a certain point and I'll just say "fuck it, I'm going in, I don't care what happens, I just wanna take a stab". In another way, it could also be like when I do stand-up. Though I might be scared before I walk on-stage, I'm fairly comfortable once I've gotten my first laugh; so, maybe I'll be scared before I start talking to the girl, but once things are underway, I'll be ok-ish. In another way, though, this is more akin to when I started stand-up, in that I have no clue what I'm doing and will be hella nervous the first time. Like my current performances, I know confidence is key, so I can go in with that knowledge and use it to my advantage; but though I know I can crack a joke, I don't know if I can interest a woman in any way whatsoever. I have a well-built repertoire of jokes, but not a well-built body--I've been told I'm funny by plenty of people, but have never been told I'm hot, not once. I can improvise funny comments, but not flirtatious ones. Two sides to the coin, I guess.
I dunno. I just like the thought of meeting women, whether it be in a romantic way or a sexual way. I'd be super happy with either, to be honest. I can get kinda down that I've been single for a while, and that I haven't had sex yet, but overall, thinking about doing it brings me up most of the time. And though I'm not doing stand-up specifically to meet women (wrong industry, trust me :P), doing it will put me in the kinds of venues where you can meet chicks, particularly if & when I perform in bars. Seeing as I'm actually making efforts to get into these places now, I may be dealing with this shit soon. Who knows?
What I do know is that it's 3:20am and I need sleep :P
Also, out of curiosity, I looked up if my local comedy club is still doing open mic stuff -- I think they are, but I'm not 100% sure. I shall ask. One thing I did notice was that seeing as they do comedy every second Saturday, and they did it last night, they'll be doing it again in four weeks, when I'm having my sleepover. I could take my guests to see me perform! Would be a nice break from all the games, and they'd all get to see me make lulz. I wanted to test my material on them anyway, just at some random point over the weekend, but now I might be able to do it properly, on an actual stage, with a less biased audience. May not work out that way, particularly if someone's already scabbed the open mic spot for that week, or if they aren't doing open mic stuff anymore, but still, a thought nonetheless :) Shall ask tomorrow.
I was also wondering tonight about hooking up, just having thoughts about it. I've been a lot more open to the idea over the last few months, just in general. I know I'd prefer a relationship, something steady and consistent with more to it than just sex, but the idea of fucking a girl is just fascinating the shit out of me right now and I don't know why. Like, I know if I don't jerk off for a while, that's when the urge comes up (which makes perfect sense, really). So that makes me wonder: if I abstained from masturbation up until that urge came up, then went into a situation where hooking up was actually possible (even if it's an environment I haven't been in before, like a club or a bar), would I actually do anything? Would that lust, by itself, be enough to push me over the edge, leading me to try my luck? Or would I still not be comfortable enough to give it a shot? The only way to find out is to actually put me in that situation.
Cos maybe it's like when I'm crushing on a girl: the feelings could get to a certain point and I'll just say "fuck it, I'm going in, I don't care what happens, I just wanna take a stab". In another way, it could also be like when I do stand-up. Though I might be scared before I walk on-stage, I'm fairly comfortable once I've gotten my first laugh; so, maybe I'll be scared before I start talking to the girl, but once things are underway, I'll be ok-ish. In another way, though, this is more akin to when I started stand-up, in that I have no clue what I'm doing and will be hella nervous the first time. Like my current performances, I know confidence is key, so I can go in with that knowledge and use it to my advantage; but though I know I can crack a joke, I don't know if I can interest a woman in any way whatsoever. I have a well-built repertoire of jokes, but not a well-built body--I've been told I'm funny by plenty of people, but have never been told I'm hot, not once. I can improvise funny comments, but not flirtatious ones. Two sides to the coin, I guess.
I dunno. I just like the thought of meeting women, whether it be in a romantic way or a sexual way. I'd be super happy with either, to be honest. I can get kinda down that I've been single for a while, and that I haven't had sex yet, but overall, thinking about doing it brings me up most of the time. And though I'm not doing stand-up specifically to meet women (wrong industry, trust me :P), doing it will put me in the kinds of venues where you can meet chicks, particularly if & when I perform in bars. Seeing as I'm actually making efforts to get into these places now, I may be dealing with this shit soon. Who knows?
What I do know is that it's 3:20am and I need sleep :P
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Comedy and (Potential) Tragedy
Soooooooo the people from that stand-up thing at the University of Sydney didn't respond to my Facebook message (or even read it). They've updated the page itself several times in the past week, so I dunno if they either a) don't check messages on that page, or b) it got caught in the spam filter. In any case, I found an email account for their comedy society so hopefully they respond to that (basically sent them the same message, mentioning the Facebook message as well).
Good news is: the first draft of my latest 5 minute set is done! I'm quite pleased with it. A much slower construction process than last time, but also a more reliable set, given almost every joke inside has been posted to /r/standupshots in text format, each being well received. The last one did pretty well (four applause breaks in four minutes, yo :P), but I'm a lot more confident this time around given the jokes aren't completely untested. I'm also really pleased with the ending. Usually, the ending is the hardest bit to do, cos you have to figure out what your best joke is, and find a way to finish on it without disrupting flow. But this time, I started with the end--I was like "nothing is topping that. Nothing." It starts off with my second-best joke, moves into the good-but-not-amazing stuff, and builds from there into the better stuff, finishing on a painful image. If I get to perform at Sydney Uni, I'll test the set out and see how it goes :)
Just need them to respond...
Good news is: the first draft of my latest 5 minute set is done! I'm quite pleased with it. A much slower construction process than last time, but also a more reliable set, given almost every joke inside has been posted to /r/standupshots in text format, each being well received. The last one did pretty well (four applause breaks in four minutes, yo :P), but I'm a lot more confident this time around given the jokes aren't completely untested. I'm also really pleased with the ending. Usually, the ending is the hardest bit to do, cos you have to figure out what your best joke is, and find a way to finish on it without disrupting flow. But this time, I started with the end--I was like "nothing is topping that. Nothing." It starts off with my second-best joke, moves into the good-but-not-amazing stuff, and builds from there into the better stuff, finishing on a painful image. If I get to perform at Sydney Uni, I'll test the set out and see how it goes :)
Just need them to respond...
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
Dreams & Independence
I sent them a message I sent them a message I sent them a message! I asked the University of Sydney if I could perform at their weekly stand-up thingy they do:
I vowed not to write anymore in this entry until I did that. So now I can write :)
I've been thinking about what I wanna do in the future, where I wanna work. The only job I really want is to do stand-up and improv -- if that was my job, I'd be happy. I'd obviously have to learn how to get around, live on next to nothing, book motels, etc., but if one's passion for something is strong enough, you'll learn anything to pursue it. Same with the few girls I've asked out: I crush on a girl hard enough, and I'll ask her out however it needs to be done. Nothing stops me once passion gets in control. It took me a while to muster the courage to ask these people if I can perform, but I still did it. Just took a while, that's all :)
And comedy is the only thing I do without being asked. I like my courses at university -- philosophy is certainly interesting -- but doing the work is always a chore. I like the content, but any assessment I do is only done to appease my teachers and fulfil course requirements. On the other hand, I write comedy just cos I feel like it. Hell, I started to write my monologue for the the next RAW comedy competition back in July, and that competition starts next February. I really get into the writing portion, and I'm now striving to get more involved in the performance portion (which is just as important). It never feels like a chore to edit a bit, or to verbally test a joke, or to brainstorm out loud. I just do it, cos it's fun.
One thing I've seen written a lot about comedy is that it doesn't pay well. Comedians often have to do live down to the wire just to keep afloat (living out of their cars, shit like that). It's a sad truth, but I'm not really fussed. Money's good and all -- it certainly helps make one's life secure and comfortable -- but it's not the be all and end all. It's not like it costs much to feed me :P So long as I have enough to keep myself alive, I'll be fine. I've also read (not that it needs to be read, cos it's obvious) that it puts strain on relationships, which sucks cos that's something else I really want. Can't have everything, I suppose. Given my current skills, I'm definitely more likely to end up with a place in comedy than a steady girlfriend :P
I saw a quote or /r/QuotesPorn the other day that summed up how dull I think my life can be sometimes:
First off, it's true: the majority of one's life is usually quite boring, and we mostly hear about the interesting bits when listening to the stories of others, particularly when perusing social media.
But on a more abstract note, I really like reading quotes like that. I stopped reading novels and the like when I got into high school, but when I got into comedy, I became a lot more fascinated with language and how it works, how it can be used, exploited, manipulated. And some of my favourite uses of language come in the form of quotes like that: big ideas expressed with only a few words. I like the idea of being able to do that. It may seem arrogant (probably cos it is :P) but I'd like to resonate with people like that. I feel my best jokes are my one liners, ones that don't need a backstory or a lengthy set-up. And I wonder if I ever could resonate with people like that. I wonder if there exists a permutation of words which, when read, would stick with people, change their perspective, alter their behaviour patterns.
And then I think about just writing things. Most of my comedic activity has been written, not performed -- even if it most of it has been written with the intention of being performed, it never actually has been. Many comedians end up writing for sitcoms, doing jokes for other comedians, etc. It seems weird to say that after transferring out of my Creative Writing course to do Philosophy instead, but I'm not talking about creative writing, only comedic writing. I don't wanna write stories; I just wanna write jokes. One liners, funny stories, satirical articles: that's my kind of writing, and the course I did at uni didn't even touch on that stuff. I occasionally write stuff that isn't comedy (I like to write rap lyrics sometimes, see what I can put to the tune of some instrumental track I have lying around), but at the end of the day, the vast majority of my linguistic adventures take place in Laughter Land.
Maybe I'll end up writing other stuff as well as stand-up, make a buck or two on the side. Who knows, right? I can certainly do both at the same time -- all I need is a laptop. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.
As weird as it sounds, I like the idea of independence. I've always said to myself "why would I ever move out of home? Free power, free water, free gas, free food, free internet, no rent, no noisy neighbours, no shitty roommates: what reason is there to move out?" But at the same time, when mum goes away for a couple of days and I have to live alone, it feels so good, so free. I dig living alone. I get more shit done--I'm doing chores cos I wanna do 'em, not cos someone else wants 'em done. I can talk to myself and not have to worry about anyone else hearing what I say. I can practice my comedy at the top of my lungs without disturbing anyone. And the responsibility involved (having to lock up, fix things that break, keep things tidy, etc.) gives me a strong sense of maturity, something I often don't believe I have. Doing comedy solo would basically be an extension of the whole thing.
So yeah, really hoping the comedy organiser person says 'yes' and lets me perform up there. Might meet some people :D
Hi! My name is Liam McCann, and I'm a student at the University of Wollongong. I also perform stand-up, and though I'd like to perform at my own university, there's no comedy scene at all at my uni, and I don't have the connections to start things on my own. I stumbled across your page a week or 2 ago and was wondering if I could get involved with your comedy scene, seeing as it's well established.It might seem like nothing, but those two paragraphs took me a fucking hour to write and send on Sunday. I proofread it and edited it at least twenty times. And that's not counting how long it took me to click the Message button and actually write something. Goddamn anxiety, yo. But it's gone now. It's gone (the message, not the anxiety; that's still there). Now I just have to hope they respond :P
It says on your page that you run a weekly show -- can people who aren't USYD students take part? If so, I'll happily make the trip up to perform :) That said, I figure the next few weeks would probably be out due to the comedy comp you're running, but I'm free to come up on pretty much any Wednesday. I understand if non-students can't perform, though.
In any case, hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your time :)
- Liam
I vowed not to write anymore in this entry until I did that. So now I can write :)
I've been thinking about what I wanna do in the future, where I wanna work. The only job I really want is to do stand-up and improv -- if that was my job, I'd be happy. I'd obviously have to learn how to get around, live on next to nothing, book motels, etc., but if one's passion for something is strong enough, you'll learn anything to pursue it. Same with the few girls I've asked out: I crush on a girl hard enough, and I'll ask her out however it needs to be done. Nothing stops me once passion gets in control. It took me a while to muster the courage to ask these people if I can perform, but I still did it. Just took a while, that's all :)
And comedy is the only thing I do without being asked. I like my courses at university -- philosophy is certainly interesting -- but doing the work is always a chore. I like the content, but any assessment I do is only done to appease my teachers and fulfil course requirements. On the other hand, I write comedy just cos I feel like it. Hell, I started to write my monologue for the the next RAW comedy competition back in July, and that competition starts next February. I really get into the writing portion, and I'm now striving to get more involved in the performance portion (which is just as important). It never feels like a chore to edit a bit, or to verbally test a joke, or to brainstorm out loud. I just do it, cos it's fun.
One thing I've seen written a lot about comedy is that it doesn't pay well. Comedians often have to do live down to the wire just to keep afloat (living out of their cars, shit like that). It's a sad truth, but I'm not really fussed. Money's good and all -- it certainly helps make one's life secure and comfortable -- but it's not the be all and end all. It's not like it costs much to feed me :P So long as I have enough to keep myself alive, I'll be fine. I've also read (not that it needs to be read, cos it's obvious) that it puts strain on relationships, which sucks cos that's something else I really want. Can't have everything, I suppose. Given my current skills, I'm definitely more likely to end up with a place in comedy than a steady girlfriend :P
I saw a quote or /r/QuotesPorn the other day that summed up how dull I think my life can be sometimes:
First off, it's true: the majority of one's life is usually quite boring, and we mostly hear about the interesting bits when listening to the stories of others, particularly when perusing social media.
But on a more abstract note, I really like reading quotes like that. I stopped reading novels and the like when I got into high school, but when I got into comedy, I became a lot more fascinated with language and how it works, how it can be used, exploited, manipulated. And some of my favourite uses of language come in the form of quotes like that: big ideas expressed with only a few words. I like the idea of being able to do that. It may seem arrogant (probably cos it is :P) but I'd like to resonate with people like that. I feel my best jokes are my one liners, ones that don't need a backstory or a lengthy set-up. And I wonder if I ever could resonate with people like that. I wonder if there exists a permutation of words which, when read, would stick with people, change their perspective, alter their behaviour patterns.
And then I think about just writing things. Most of my comedic activity has been written, not performed -- even if it most of it has been written with the intention of being performed, it never actually has been. Many comedians end up writing for sitcoms, doing jokes for other comedians, etc. It seems weird to say that after transferring out of my Creative Writing course to do Philosophy instead, but I'm not talking about creative writing, only comedic writing. I don't wanna write stories; I just wanna write jokes. One liners, funny stories, satirical articles: that's my kind of writing, and the course I did at uni didn't even touch on that stuff. I occasionally write stuff that isn't comedy (I like to write rap lyrics sometimes, see what I can put to the tune of some instrumental track I have lying around), but at the end of the day, the vast majority of my linguistic adventures take place in Laughter Land.
Maybe I'll end up writing other stuff as well as stand-up, make a buck or two on the side. Who knows, right? I can certainly do both at the same time -- all I need is a laptop. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.
As weird as it sounds, I like the idea of independence. I've always said to myself "why would I ever move out of home? Free power, free water, free gas, free food, free internet, no rent, no noisy neighbours, no shitty roommates: what reason is there to move out?" But at the same time, when mum goes away for a couple of days and I have to live alone, it feels so good, so free. I dig living alone. I get more shit done--I'm doing chores cos I wanna do 'em, not cos someone else wants 'em done. I can talk to myself and not have to worry about anyone else hearing what I say. I can practice my comedy at the top of my lungs without disturbing anyone. And the responsibility involved (having to lock up, fix things that break, keep things tidy, etc.) gives me a strong sense of maturity, something I often don't believe I have. Doing comedy solo would basically be an extension of the whole thing.
So yeah, really hoping the comedy organiser person says 'yes' and lets me perform up there. Might meet some people :D
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