Socialness: All the Things!

Shit's crazy right now, yo. Lots has happened over the past few months.

Starting at mid-January, I went to see a play last week that a friend was in. It's cool that meet-ups with the out-of-town group (for lack of a better name) are becoming more common. I'm really settled in now—there are a few times where I'm like "...what the hell are you guys even talking about >.>", but it's less and less common each time we congregate.

Seeing the play also spawned a little nostalgia trip: it reminded me of high school Drama class, and the school plays I was in. I miss that shit; it was so goddamn fun. Drama was my favourite class by a mile. I don't think uni has anything resembling 'school plays' which random students can audition for, but if they did, I would totally go for that. I was never terribly good at acting—I'm not the best at convincing an audience I'm somebody else—but performing is always fun as hell. Who knows, maybe I'll end up writing a fucking play someday :P



Next big thing: I had a sleepover! Seven people stayed at my house. Seven people. I've never had any people sleepover at my place, much less seven! But it was soooooo fffuuuuunnnn! There weren't any moments where it wasn't fun; literally the entire thing was amazing. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but seriously, nothing went wrong! Two people had to stay an extra night due to trackwork, but that wasn't hard to deal with at all.

We played games all weekend: Nintendo Land, Mario Kart, Smash Bros. U, Drawful, Fibbage, Word Spud, Boom Street... soooo many gggaammmeeess ^_^  And when it got too uncomfortable to play games (and it did a few times, due to the heat and humidity), we just watched Daria and The IT Crowd instead. I know a lot of people think playing games is anti-social, and it can be, but couch multiplayer is anything but anti-social. Couch multiplayer is just like playing a sport without moving: you team up, you trash talk, you celebrate successful co-operation, you bitch and moan when you get trounced. Don't sit there and tell me that's anti-social, cos it fucking isn't :P  One guy was playing on his phone a lot, but he's super shy, so I can relate to that—everyone needs their space, you know? But apart from that, we were bonding pretty much the whole time, even coming up with more in-jokes during the usual 'we're-in-bed-but-not-going-to-sleep-yet' chatting that always happens at these things.

We went to the beach too, and built this kick-ass sandcastle:

(correction: they built the sandcastle; I built the shapeless blob of sand next to it :P)

It was just so cool to have everything go so well for my first sleepover. The only thing that really went wrong was a few people not being able to show up, as well as a few people not getting back to me at all. I'm finding that to be a bit of a pain in the ass: people not replying when I invite them to stuff. I don't expect people to reply instantaneously; obviously, people need time to figure out whether they can attend things or not. Even if you respond the day before, that's fine, no biggie! But when you don't respond at all, or you say you're coming but then don't, that is incredibly fucking annoying. The invites went out a month before; there's no excuse for not replying except being lazy or inconsiderate. I don't hate the people who didn't get back to me, but I do hate their behaviour.

I'd like to host another one soon, but the next two will be organised by other people, and it's better to pass the burden around to multiple people rather than hog the glory of hosting all the time. I'm definitely gonna do it again, though! Everyone enjoyed themselves, and I had heaps of fun getting everything set up, even if it did mean carrying a TV, a PC, and several games consoles in and out of my house eight times in four days, plugging/unplugging everything each time :P



In more recent news, my best friend got back from Europe, and she came to see me a few days ago. Catching up with someone you haven't seen in a long time is always so cathartic: it's an incessant flow of stories and happiness. I remember seeing an old friend of mine from high school last year, and we were laughing before she'd even crossed the street to say hello. I don't know what the hell was so funny, but we laughed anyway :P  But it was awesome to have my closest friend back. We've already organised to see each other at uni once a week to chill and play games, so I'm looking forward to that regular interaction :)



As for future social thingies, apart from random stuff with my local group and sleepovers with the out-of-town group, there's not too much happening. The gaming association at my uni is hosting more regular meet-ups, and I'd like to go to them, but the last meet-up they held was on a day where I went to an open mic, and the next one is another day where I'll be performing. Seriously, events are always conflicting with each other for me; it's quite annoying :P  But if I can eventually hang with them and play some games, I might meet some new peeps.

There is still that part of me which wants to do things totally out of my comfort zone. I read about a friend of mine skinny dipping and was like "wow, that actually sounds... pretty cool." And that sounds weird for someone who's never been naked in front of somebody, but it doesn't sound that daunting. For starters, I've done more embarrassing shit on-stage in front of hundreds of people. When you take to the stage in a diaper and pretend to ejaculate from a baby bottle... your dignity becomes ready for just about anything you throw at it :P  And secondly, you'd be in the water most of the time, so it's not like anyone can see your junk unless you're out of the water, so who gives a fuck, right? It might be a bit scary, but if I have the chance to see some boobs, I'm in. I feel like the kind of people who skinny dip probably wouldn't even judge if someone felt bad about their body, or decided that skinny dipping wasn't for them—that kind of attitude just seems to fit well with the activity, and I'd be totally cool hanging around people like that. But it's obviously a very specific activity, one that doesn't exactly come up very often, so even if I would be comfortable with that, I can't hold out waiting for invitations (particularly when the friend in question was describing an all-girls night, so... yeah, not gonna work :P).

In a more general sense, I don't know what it is, but part of me just wants to do sexy shit like that, to get involved in more sexual scenarios (or any [hetero]sexual scenarios, really). It seems impossible to achieve without entering an atmosphere that's either a) totally foreign to me, or b) one I already know I won't do well in, but goddamn does hooking up sound fun right now :P  Given that I've now had at least one experience where people drinking weren't acting like asshats (a 21st I went to last year), I'm more privy to environments where people are drinking, at least people my age. It might just be my family who've left a fucking awful impression on me with regards to booze, now that I think about it. If other situations with alcohol are like that 21st like year, I'm all for more of that, cos it was really fun.

This doesn't change the main issue, though, one I also experienced last year at another 21st: the lack of commonality with the type of people who are in these environments. I don't go out, I don't sleep around, and I lack interest pop culture: I have very little in common with the kind of people who attend these things, making it really hard to get involved in socialising, even when that's what I want. It's not like these people are bad people; they're just different people. And perhaps I'm wrong about that too! Maybe that 21st was a one off in terms of the people there, and if I went to another place, I somehow would be able to bond with the other peeps. But if all these people talk about is drinking and partying and getting drunk and fucking each other and the latest TV shows and pop tracks... count me out. Unless you want me to sit there playing Super Mario Bros. on my phone, don't put me there, cos I'll fucking hate it :P

The other issue is that opportunities for this kind of thing are thin on the ground to begin with cos my friends are mostly like me with regards to social things, something I've mentioned before. I only have one friend who goes out and does these kinds of things. Going alone to these things really isn't an option, or is at least a real quick way to scare the bejeezus out of me. Even if I did want to go into a new environment, one I've shied away from in the past, if I went there alone, the level of social anxiety I'd have would be so intense that I'd have no chance of working my way in.

Simultaneously, I'd feel like a leech if I asked the aforementioned friend if I could tag along with her, cos it seems unfair on them to expect her to take care of me, or to even risk messing her evening up by doing something wrong or needing to be shown the ropes. This isn't a reaction to the thought of asking her; this is something I've thought about a lot, cos asking to go with her is something I've wanted to do quite a few times (and have done once or twice, probably before I developed the 'leech' feeling above). Any time I see her mention going out to something interesting, I think about it, but then go "no, don't do that. You'll be a liability: you'll stick to her like glue all fucking evening just to feel safe. Don't fuck up her evening; just let her do her own thing." I'd have to know for sure she was 100% OK with me tagging along before I even consider doing it.

And who knows: maybe it'll be so much fun that I decide to go out to these things on my own, or with people I meet while at these places who I get along with, which I probably will if I like these places. If not, then I'll know it sucks ass and I won't have to worry about missing out on anything (the entire point of such an outing would basically be to counteract FOMO right now :P).


Having thought about it, the desire to go out is probably a direct result of my desire to get laid, but I don't see a problem with that. I might go out once and hate it; that just means I have to find another way to get my rocks off. I might hook up once and have my desires satisfied, never feeling the need to go out again. I just wanna throw myself into the mix, I guess, and see how things go. The closest I can currently get is seeing chicks in comedy clubs, but that won't really work cos I'm out of town and always have to get back home, meaning I can't really do anything there—there were two cute girls at the last open mic I did, but I didn't approach them for this very reason.



 
Assuming for the meantime that I wouldn't do well in the type of places my friend goes to, where else is there? Like, yes, I meet new people through my out-of-town friends every now and then, but there's never really any opportunity to flirt (much less the confidence required to do so :P), nor have there been any people I've met who I'd actually sleep with yet. Any time I see questions about where to meet women or where to flirt with them, the answer from most people is "you can meet women anywhere! Talk to them on the street!", but I really don't think that's appropriate, at least not for me personally. And even if it is appropriate, I can hardly approach them in the most basic social situations, much less a totally non-social situation like a goddamn footpath. One step at a time, for fuck's sake :P

I guess it's just frustrating me a little that there are no outlets through which I can currently meet a girl and hit it off with her. In fact, it's not even a thing my friends talk about, because it's not something they're into. My friends are either in relationships, or just not interested in casual sex. But I am interested! It sounds really exciting! I just can't share that with anyone cos I'm fairly sure no one I know really relates to it.

And, oddly enough, this is a very specific desire for casual sex I'm feeling now. Sex in a relationship would be nice for its own reasons, and a relationship would ultimately provide far more for me, but hooking up is the type of sex I want to have at this exact moment. I dunno why, but it is. Or perhaps a more accurate way to explain it would be to say: while I would rather be in a relationship than hook up with girls, I would rather have the experience of hooking up with a girl before I enter a relationship, seeing as I can't hook up with one girl while dating another. It's the experience I want.

I swear to god, one day, I'm gonna find a way to make nerdy get-togethers hot. It will be done. I've got material on this already, as the set-up allows for a whole bunch of jokes, but I'd also like to see the idea in reality. Like, take Dungeons and Dragons: a tabletop RPG game where everyone plays together in a fantasy world, working their way through a narrative explained by the Game Master. All you'd have to do is make the narrative erotic! The players are all physically there, able to check each other out, and the game gives them characters through which they can flirt in kind of a 'safe' way, so they can suss each other out. Then, if two players like flirting in the game, they can flirt in real life too, getting each other's numbers and/or hooking up. Or for something simpler, instead of Strip Poker (which you could also play, I guess—something else I'd be up for personally, if only I could understand poker :P), instead of that, you have Super Strip Bros. You start up any version of Super Smash Bros., set it to Survival, and add one life for each article of clothing able to be removed. During the battle, whenever a player loses a life, they have to take off the next article of clothing on the list. And they aren't allowed to pause: they have to take it off quick enough such that they don't fall back into battle before they get their hands back on the controller. Once you got up to a certain level of nakedness, particularly with girls, the others would be at a disadvantage cos they'd have to prevent themselves from perving, or else they'd lose a life themselves. It just sounds so goddamn plausible I tell ya!

Perhaps I talk about this too much or too in-depth, but I'm just stuck in limbo here. I love hanging out with my current friends and wouldn't trade them for anyone because I have the greatest time when we hang out. But I don't see a way to hook up right now, at least not through my current social group. I was never really invited to parties or anything during high school, and I can't remember ever being able to play things like Spin the Bottle or whatever other party games there are; I didn't even really want to go to parties or do things like that when I was younger. So maybe these are just high-school-level carnal desires popping up at an inconvenient time. The curiosity won't go away, though.

I dunno how off-topic I got but I'ma stop now :P

Open Mic 1 and Open Mic 2

How did I go? How well did I do?
Which jokes went well? Which ones did I screw?
Why does this rhyme? I don't really know.



So, I went to two open mics last week, testing material for a comedy competition I'm doing tomorrow. How was my first open mic performance, my first stand-up performance in over two years? Rusty. Very, very rusty :P

After walking down to the train station, I got my ticket, and ended up running into someone from high school who I hadn't spoken to in ages. We were catching the same train, so we ended up reminiscing about high school and discussing comedy for the whole trip--a surprisingly cool way to start the journey!

I got off the train, and had no clue where I was, cos I'd never been in Central alone before. I ended up walking all the way around it before I got to where I wanted to go, allowing me to orient myself in the direction of the venue. The GPS on my phone was proving very useful; the fact that Google Maps doesn't save street names for offline maps was not at all useful. A map without street names is nothing more than post-modern geometric art. I walked down to the venue, arriving earlier than I expected. My friend turned up not long after, so we started chatting.

It was at this point that the nerves started. This is normal, particularly when you consider I haven't performed in two years--just part of the deal, as I've come to learn. I went upstairs when sign-ups began and put my name down, before going to sit down near the front and going over my lines. The others sat more towards the back, though the room did pretty much fill up by the time the show started. The room seemed to fit about 40-50 people in it. One guy who was sitting behind us, a guy who'd seemingly been there before, spoke to me a little. I asked him how the room was, and he said it was a good room: the crowd was accepting, and though a performer may or may not do well (especially considering many will be trying out new material), there's no animosity or heckling or anything.

Not long after we spoke, the show began. The running order was determined by lucky dip; I was up towards the end of the first half. This started the Anxiety Countdown Timer™ in my head, meaning I was getting progressively more nervous until I was due to perform (but again, that's just how it is). Despite my nerves, I was confident I'd do well, even though I hadn't performed in a while. I wasn't certain I'd do well; I just believed the material was reliable.

In the meantime, I watched the performers before me go up. The audience is pretty much entirely comedians going up to perform, save a few people there to see their friends. The performances were alright--nothing special, but again, it's an open mic, so you're not expecting perfection. It wasn't horrible, though! I chuckled at most of the people who went up before me. I wasn't laughing my ass off, but I wasn't bored or anything either. Thing was, though I was chuckling at the material, many people weren't. It seemed borderline impossible to get anything beyond a slight laugh from the crowd.

That didn't faze me, though. As nervous as I was, I was fairly sure that when I got up there, I'd do reasonably well. I mean, my jokes were at least partially tested--each one had been posted to reddit in written form, and had done well there--so I wasn't going up totally blind, right?

My name was eventually called, and I went up. I had two openers to test: the first one didn't get much of a response, and the second one kinda got a response, but it was a delayed response (it's one of those jokes that takes a while to figure out, thus not really a prime candidate for 'first joke in your set' :P). Usually, when I perform, the first laugh I get is what relaxes me, but I didn't get laughs for my opening jokes, so I wasn't able to chill out. The joke I did after that got almost no response. One person started to clap (it was one of those jokes that tries to make a point; he must have liked the point I made, even if the joke was shit :P), but nothing beyond that was given. The jokes I did after that got a fairly mild response at best.

After I sat back down, I didn't feel angry or regretful; what I felt was confused. I thought "what happened? Why did the performance go that badly? Some people who went up before me went worse, so I wasn't totally awful, but I felt like I could've done a lot better than that." I would have to wait until I got home to review the tape and figure things out. The room didn't get much easier for the others after that, either. I can thing of three or four performers out of the thirty-or-so who performed who did what I'd call 'well' in terms of audience response (and one of them was only funny cos he was rambling while smashed, so... yeah :P). I left the venue determined to figure out what the hell happened when I got home, as well as working on improving the one joke that got almost no response (that's gotta be the quality of joke, not the room).

When I got home and reviewed the tape, it became clear that I was hella nervous. I can be on-stage and not feel nervous, but still look and sound nervous, which is annoying, but also helpful to realise. I was nervous during the lead-up as I always am, but that never subsided once I started performing. This basically meant that while the other performers were 'loose', I was 'rigid'. The good performers that night were calm, acknowledging bad jokes, interacting with the audience, and able to improvise. I, on the other hand, was nervous as hell, moving past bad jokes almost immediately, hardly acknowledging the audience at all, and sticking to my script like glue. Bad stage feel, yo. Stuff like moving past bad jokes is actually what I'd been taught to be proper form (in Drama class, I'd always been told to keep going on-stage no matter what happened), but the rest was all on me.

This didn't explain why the others didn't get a good reaction, though. I discovered one of my openers wasn't delivered correctly, which screwed it up, and the jokes which got borderline-zero reaction probably just aren't good jokes, but the other jokes were delivered properly, and they got about as much reaction as many of the other comics did, even the ones I thought were good who just weren't received well. Could it be that the room's just difficult? I believed so. If it'd been only me and a few others who'd done mediocre, it would've made sense to blame the performers, but heaps of people seemed to do worse than they deserved. That's not to say the room was shitty or mean-spirited, but it suggests that something beyond my control was interfering with my performance.



So, I found a new opener, touched up the joke that didn't work at all, substituted tested material for untested material that I wanted to test, and went up to the second open mic on Sunday. I wasn't fazed by my performance on Wednesday; in fact, I was glad I went up, cos it meant I was able to fuck up there rather than during the competition. This venue was smaller, but there were also less comedians, and the performance was far shorter--most of the audience were there to actually watch rather than perform. Some of the people who I saw on Wednesday were here too, which was cool. I didn't really speak to anyone other than the guy managing the show, although one of the people I saw on Wednesday said he recognised me.

Once the show started, it was revealed I was on third. I liked this: intead of having to wait through ten performances to get the nerves out of the way, I only had to wait through two :P  The nerves were definitely there, but they were far less intense than on Wednesday. The audience was actually responding well too, which was good to hear. There was one guy who was heckling the MC rather incessantly, and I was scared of being heckled cos I haven't really been heckled before, but I knew I'd only be able to react to him as he heckled, and thus there was no point worrying about it in advance.

Eventually, I went up. I noticed the first performer was an adult, and the second performer was more of a young adult, so being the 15-year-old-look-alike that I am, I opened with an improvised line about the comics getting younger and younger, which went OK. The original opener followed that, and also went OK. The re-written version of the joke that totally failed on Wednesday was, again, not fantastically received (I'm determined to make that motherfucker work :P). The jokes after that, however, went great! It wasn't the best performance I've ever done or anything, but the jokes were getting good laughs, I was reacting to the crowd, I closed pretty damn well, and I was comfortable throughout the entire thing, even at the beginning which was a tad shaky. I sat back down with a sense of satisfaction, as I now knew it wasn't the jokes that were bad; it was, at least in part, my delivery.

After I sat down and the next act was introduced, the MC walked past me, patted me on the shoulder, and said I did well. That was confirmation to me that, yes, this was a good performance. One or two of the other comics who went up before the halfway mark gave me thumbs up as well. During the break, an audience member came up to me and said "keep doing what you're doing, cos you kinda remind me of a young Bill Hicks". And that was the dude who was heckling. I got complimented by a fucking heckler. That was a pretty cool compliment. I know I'm nowhere near Hicks in terms of insight or providence, but to even remind someone of him is pretty bad-ass.

The rest of the show made a second point clear: the room on Wednesday was, indeed, a tough room. This room was way more appropriate in terms of its reaction to jokes. I mean, there were less people in the audience on Sunday than there were on Wednesday, but the Sunday audience laughed way more! The comedians were definitely getting the laughs they deserved, and the audience seemed way more into it, probably cos they weren't all there just to perform. When I emailed the organiser earlier in the week, he mentioned that when they organised performers on the day (like the place on Wednesday) rather than in advance, the quality of the performances was far lower, so it seems like organising them in advance is definitely the way to go, as the audience enjoys it more, and the comics get a better crowd.

When I left, I was again told I did well by a few people. The guy who said he saw me at the Wednesday venue (who was the MC on Wednesday, in fact), said I did well, and actually suggested that I apply to the organiser at the Sunday venue to perform for their Monday show, a show for established comics--he clarified I might not even get a response, but that it was worth a shot). I dunno if I'll do that, but if I do well in RAW, then that'll get me a name for myself, and I can use the extra rep to apply for that show, cos I'd love to play that room again. Even if I went back on a Sunday, it'd still be great to go back. I said the MC did better here than on Wednesday, and he said "yeah, that room's a hard room". And I'm like I fucking knew it! So yeah, I'll probably go back there eventually too, but I'll know what to expect next time :p



The only other thing to talk about was transport, which was actually pretty easy! It is a little disorienting, being in a foreign place and having to figure out where to go on your own, especially when you walk past where you're supposed to go and you have to double back, but you don't know that you've missed something, so you keep going, and it takes far too long for it to dawn on you that, yes, you fucking missed your turn and you have to go back you stupid fuck--that happens a little too often for me :P  But I know where these places are now, so I'll have no problem getting there in the future. I'm also becoming more familiar with the train stations and platforms too, as well as now knowing that there are actually quite a few people on trains at 10-11pm, so that was way less scary than I thought it would be. It's not the barren wasteland I expected it to be. I know you've still gotta watch your back, particularly in Sydney at night (so many unlit streets, Jesus fucking Christ), but the trains are relatively safe, it seems.

So yes, I'm getting back into this shit now, for realz. I'll be doing my competition performance tomorrow, and I'm fairly sure I'll do well. The one joke that hasn't worked the first two times has been almost entirely re-written, and my mum laughed at it when I told her, so I'll have to hope the audience's sense of humour mirrors hers. I want that joke in there cos it makes a damn good point, and if I can convey that point in a way that's actually funny, I know it'll go down well with the crowd.

So yeah, that's been my week. Shall make a post about some other stuff soon enough :)

EDIT: One thing that did annoy me a bit was that most people who were invited to the Sunday performance didn't respond for some reason. I didn't understand that. It's not that they didn't go; it's that they said literally nothing in the lead-up to the performance date, so I had no idea if they'd even seen or understood the invite, much less if they wanted to go. And if they're busy, or just don't wanna go, that's totally fine, but they should still tell me that. They don't even have to provide an explanation! I don't care why they aren't going; they just have to decline the invite, so I'm not sitting there at the train station wondering if people have responded at the last minute perchance. Not a fan of flaky people.

Open Mic: It's happening!

I'm finally going up to Sydney to do some open mics! Hooray! My first one is tonight at 19:30, and my second one is on Sunday at 19:00. It's the first time I've performed in almost two years, so I'm pumped :D

Though I'm not 100% sure about who (if anyone) is going up with me on the Sunday, as I've only just sent out invitations, I'm definitely going up to Sydney alone tonight. Though I've previously stated that I'd be hella nervous going up to Sydney alone, I'm actually less worried than I thought I would be. I'm catching the train up at 16:00, and I'll arrive at the venue well before nightfall, so that's not a problem; and the path from the venue to the train station is along a main strip, so I should be safe there. The venue's also way way closer to Central than I thought it would be—I originally thought I'd have to get off at some weird stop and walk from there, but that turned out not to be the case. The only bit I am worried about is the train ride back. So long as I secure a seat near the guard carriage, I should be fine, but riding a train alone at night is not my idea of safety and/or fun :P  I don't even know exactly when I'll get back to the train station at this point, cos the show has no definite end-time, but I'll just have to roll with it and get on the first train I can.

Hopefully, I can have someone tag along with me for the second performance, but if I can go alone this time, I can go alone next time too. I'm not too concerned with being alone at the actual venue cos the other people there are either comedy fans or comedians themselves, so surely we'll have some common ground. I've been in scarier places; this isn't a huge deal.

I'll report back once I finish my performance (perhaps once I finish both). I've got other posts with more information in them about other things, so it's not as though nothing's been happening, but I haven't bothered to finish the posts I've started to post them.

Unless I get stabbed, of course—then I'll report back on the stabbing :)

Not This Fucking Shit Again

dat theme change :D

It's time for everyone's favourite type of post: the rehash!

cheers and applause

Well, not quite a rehash, but a re-exploration, most certainly.

I've been pretty busy over the past week, having three social outings in just four days: a birthday party, a LAN party, and a trip to a theme park. The first two were awesome and without incident; everything went extremely well. The theme park outing was also incredibly fun, and certainly a change from the outings I'm used to attending, but there was one particular side to it that fucked with my head for quite a bit while I was there. To be clear, the outing in and of itself was awesome and I don't regret going at all. The rides were intense, but not too scary; and the social element was almost entirely comfortable. I had a fantastic time, and nothing written beyond this point takes away from that enjoyment in any substantial way.

But why only 'almost'? Well, early on in the day, when we dropped all our stuff on so we could start riding the rides, we were joking around about putting the sunscreen on. The group had two couples in it, and one of the guys was applying sunscreen onto his girlfriend's face. Someone then joked about it being representative of their 'sexsploits' or something to that effect. And as soon as she said it, I felt really tense and awkward.

Now, let's be clear: I know these two fuck each other. It's something I've known for a while. It's hardly surprising: they're a couple, they're not religious conservatives, they've made no claims of abstinence, nothing about 'waiting until they're comfortable' or 'saving themselves till marriage', so it really isn't a leap to conclude that, yes, they fuck. And it's not like I pictured it in my head and was like "eeewwww, gross! That's disgusting!" I watch porn, for fuck's sake; I've seen far worse, believe me :P  But it only took the mere mentioning of their sexual activity for me to tense up, and it got to me more than it should have.



First off is the obvious annoyance of being made anxious by the mentioning of something both trivial and irrelevant. What fucking difference does it make that these two have sex? How the hell does this affect me? It doesn't! It doesn't affect me at all. How is it related to me? It isn't! It isn't related to me at all. But for my brain, that's the problem: I cannot relate to the idea of having sex, and with the mentioning of other people's sex lives, however jokingly it may have been, I'm now stuck pondering over the fact that I haven't done it yet. Once a thought like that is planted in my head, it niggles away for unduly amounts of time. It's like someone who clicks a pen when they're bored: it's loud, it's obnoxious, and it achieves absolutely nothing.



The second thing is that when this kind of thing happens, it doesn't just mess with what's going on in my head; it also messes with how I behave socially. I'm used to being alone and thus being able to vent at will, having writing tools at my disposal to pour these thoughts into such that I can read into them another time. I had no such luxury here—it's not like you can have your phone in your pocket when going down a water slide :P  And this meant I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head; they were stuck there, niggling away, provoking further reflections and contemplations.

So I'm in my own little world at this point, talking and listening to my own internal dialogue. Meanwhile, my friends are trying to include me in a conversation, and I'm just walking past, head pointed at the ground, as if I'm not having a good time. When this fact was mentioned by someone, another person said "you could contribute to the conversation", and I thought "god fucking dammit you don't know what's going on in my head right now >.<". All I told them was that I had "stuff going through my head", and that's all I could say, really. It's not like I could've said "oh, someone made a joke about you having sex and now I can't stop thinking about my own lack of sexual activity, sorry about that".

I should also mention that if at any point I'm not contributing to a conversation, I'm either a) in my own little world, like I described above, contemplating something totally unrelated to the conversation, or b) listening to what's being said while not having anything to say. I'm not gonna talk for the sake of talking; that's just fucking obnoxious :P  If I think of something to say, I'll try to include it! But I never feel any obligation to talk, not unless I have something meaningful to contribute.



The third issue, and probably the most important one, is the kind of thoughts these little mental abstractions lead me to have. Suffice to say, shit gets fucked up. This wasn't the first time such anxiety had been felt at the mentioning of someone else's sex life; it's happened at least twice before.

The first time, I was at home alone, and I read a blog entry where a friend talked about their own sexual encounter. I felt a stronger anxiety than I did at the theme park, probably because I'd never really heard about any of my friends having sex at all until this point. Thing is, that mental snap ended up being a good thing, cos I went "well, you wanna get laid too? Work for it", which, over time, led to a dramatic increase in efforts towards improving my social skills. And it's paid off! I'm in a far better social position now than I was a year ago, thanks in part to that discomfort I experienced earlier on.

The second time, I was told by a third party that, yes, a couple I knew were sexually active. Again, it seems innocuous, right? They're a couple, so they've probably been fucking for a while—there's nothing disconcerting about that. But it still didn't matter: it messed with my head regardless, and I felt the same anxiety once again. Thing is, this time, it didn't lead to something positive; rather, it led to this blog entry where I basically said I felt inadequate.

Now, before I go any further, I wanna just bash the fuck out of this entry and what it says, cos it's really sad, and most of it is complete bullshit :P

"...when it comes to women, my skills haven't gone forward, or even gone nowhere; they've gone backward."

Not really. I'm also not sure how I could say they've gone backwards when I've had no real opportunity or drive to use those skills anyway.

"I think back to high school and marvel at what I managed to do. However I fathomed the courage, I asked two girls out in the space of six months. Haven't asked a single one out since then. How the fuck did I do it? Didn't I have less character back then?"

Yes, but I also had less to worry about back then. I didn't have to worry about being 'hot', or being employed, or any sexual shit. I didn't even have to worry about seeing the girls I asked out: she'd have been at school every day! It was easy as fuck :P  And in three weeks time, that "days since I last asked a girl out" counter was reset to zero. Until that point, I hadn't crushed on a girl enough to actually do anything about it—that lack of incentive was the real problem.

"I don't like girls as soon as I fucking look at them: their bodies alone will not convince me to do anything. [...] The spontaneity doesn't mesh with me at all."

Mmmmm... these words are delicious! I should've eaten them a long time ago. How long did it take to crush on that girl since I first saw her... five nanoseconds? Maybe six? I dunno; I wasn't counting.

Along with this, the deficiencies in my personality lead me to think it's actually immoral to approach women. I think about doing it, and it feels so wrong...

Didn't fuckin' stop me, did it :P  When I asked that girl out, I wasn't thinking "oh jeez, doing this will violate my moral code"; all I was thinking was "I might never see this girl again, I have to ask her out, do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it".

"I know I'm not a bad person; I'm just an incomplete person."

I'ma go all philosophy on my ass here: define what makes a person 'complete', and explain what exactly one would need to do to become a 'complete person'. Then explain how being a 'complete person' is actually a prerequisite for being in a relationship. Seriously, no one is a 'complete person'—the only person I can think of who's a 'complete person' is a dead person, cos they've 'completed' their life. Could I be a more interesting person? Certainly! Could I be a more sociable person? Sure, particularly when I wrote this entry. But a 'complete' person? Fuck off with your vague-ass language, boy.

"I don't have any real career desires (apart from comedy, which isn't a career I can say I'm actively working towards)..."

Wrong. This is not only wrong in that I now do have a real career desire (that being stand-up), I've been actively working towards that shit for the past four-and-a-half years! It's not like I've taken any long writing hiatuses or anything. I haven't performed four-and-a-half years worth of performances, but I've certainly written my fair share of material (even if most of it is utter crap :P). If I ever do begin to perform regularly, I'll have a large repertoire of material I can test out and work on, in addition to new stuff I'll be writing regularly.

"I don't have any real hobbies apart from comedy and typical geeky shit which only serves to alienate people..."

Wrong. Could I have more hobbies? I suppose, but it's not a huge issue that I don't, not really. And that 'typical geeky shit' totally counts as a hobby—how else would I have met this new friend group? Shit, they're nerdier than me! They play Dungeons & Dragons, for fuck's sake! That's the kind of thing I look at and go "woah, you people need to go outside and go to a bar and get laid cos holy fuck that's nerdy". And then I start playing it with them :P

"I have almost no confidence..."

More wrong than a goddamn anti-vax creationist astrologer :P  I don't even have to provide evidence for that cos so many of the entries from last year totally destroy that hypothesis. I did too many new things and met too many new people for this to be anything even approaching the truth.

"I don't have any desire to travel, eat normal food, drink alcohol, or try dangerous things in general..."

Wrong, wrong, irrelevant, and wrong. While I don't have much interest in being a tourist, I would like to travel to perform comedy, which is a pretty legit reason to travel; I've been thinking more and more about the food thing over the past month or so (and I'll get onto that further down); the fact that I don't drink simply doesn't matter and won't bother anyone worth hanging around; and if someone doesn't think getting on stage to tell jokes that you wrote yourself isn't dangerous, they're a fucking moron. Just because there's room for improvement doesn't mean I'm at rock bottom, nor does it mean I'm incapable of such improvement.

"I wish I could get at least some of the confidence back, cos that's the key to fixing the other problems"

And I since have. I could always be more confident, but I have the ability to fix these problems now. I've come further in a year than I ever thought I would.

OK, with that out of the way, let's get back to my mindset at the theme park. My thoughts after hearing the sex comment were similar to above in terms of their negativity, but rather than a feeling of inadequacy, it was a feeling of desperation. The tip of the iceberg was when I was riding a chairlift alone, hence being able to reflect free of interruptions, and I thought to myself:

Maybe I should just fuck the first girl who'll let me. Maybe if I just do it and get it out of the way, I won't feel this way anymore when I hear about other people having sex.

That's probably one of the worst thoughts I've ever had—not in that it made me feel the worst I've ever felt, but in that there are so many things wrong with that thought. For starters, desperation is one of the least attractive things imaginable. Even if I wanted to follow through with this plan, the emotions behind it are self-defeating.

But more importantly, would fucking the first girl I could make me feel better? I don't think so; in fact, I think it'd make me feel worse. There are only three possible scenarios here, each of which went through my head on that chairlift: either a) I fuck a girl who's attracted to me, but who I don't find attractive, b) I fuck a girl who's only fucking me cos she feels sorry for me cos I'm a virgin, or c) I pay to fuck a prostitute. And each scenario fails at solving the problem. Fucking a girl who I'm not into will be a chore, fucking a girl who feels sorry for me will feel like a chore for her, and fucking a prostitute is trying to buy something my friends got without having to pay a cent. All three scenarios would lead to regret, particularly because I was impatient, and the last one won't make me feel like I achieved anything at all. Physical satisfaction is easy enough to find, but if I want emotional fulfilment, I simply have to wait. My first time might be awkward and short-lived, and it might even be with a girl who leaves the next morning never to be seen again, but I REFUSE to let it happen without mutual attraction. No woman on this fucking planet is worth violating my own standards over like that.

Thankfully, those feelings only lasted about an hour or so. The remaining social interactions were good on my part: I joked around, responded to things, and didn't shy away or tune out often after the mindfuck incident.



There is one other slip-up that I'll write about here. It's not a big issue, and I'm not fretting over it, but it is a recurring issue, far more frequent than being put off by other people's sex lives :P  At lunch, a friend and I were talking alone. It was just normal conversation, and I was doing well enough at asking questions and listening to what was said, chipping in my own experiences from time to time, but letting her lead the conversation most of the time.

Eventually, she started talking about a guy she liked. I love talking about crushes and stuff like that, so I listen in as she talks. For the first few minutes, it's easy enough for me to figure out what questions to ask, primarily cos I'm genuinely curious, which makes the whole thing easier. The issue started when I wanted to butt in with my own experiences—this is something I fucking suck at. She mentioned how she felt about dating her ex, and after she stopped talking, the following exchange went through my head:

:O you should talk about your ex!
Why?
Cos you felt more strongly about your ex than she did about her ex.
And?
That'd be interesting to talk about, wouldn't it? I know you like to talk about this kinda stuff :)
Isn't that just copying what she said, though?
No no, it's your own perspective on your own life! It differs from hers—that's why you should say it!
But what if she decides that I didn't really feel the way I say I do about my ex? What if she disagrees?
How the hell could she possibly know how you felt about your own ex? Dude, you have to be quick—once the others return, the conversation topic will change!
...nah.
Goddamn you.

Even though I really really wanted to talk, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It felt too much like I was butting in. My friend's conversation was naturally winding down, but cos I didn't say anything, she kept talking to fill the silence, meaning I felt less and less obligation to talk.

Not soon after that, she returned to talking about a guy she liked, and her conversation was winding down in a similar way to before.

Hey, talk about that girl you like!
Why?
You might see her soon!
And?
Well, it's related, it's something you like talking about, and she might ask questions given you might see her soon, so why not?
Does she really care, though? Maybe she just wants to talk about the guy she likes.
I don't think she'll mind if you bring it up. She probably doesn't wanna do all the talking.
Maybe she does. Maybe that's why she keeps talking.
She keeps talking cos you won't talk! And if you don't talk about it now, you won't be able to talk about it for ages cos people are gonna come back and they'll talk about other stuff!
...nah.
>.<

Fucking annoying, let me tell ya :P



Something else I wanna mention, something I mentioned earlier in passing: the food thing. We got to talking about my weird eating habits, with the two people in the group I don't see too often basically asking questions about why I eat the way I do, what specific things I eat, etc. One of them brought up how I was a lot more open now about the food thing than before, which is a good sign. I honestly don't remember being confronted by the topic before, at least not at high school, but it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Oddly enough, they thought they might be making me uncomfortable asking me questions about food—I was glad they were talking about it! Being offered food was a little annoying (seriously, don't do that. Do you not think people have tried that already? :P), but talking about it was good. It means it's out in the open, and it means I have a group of people ready to support me if I do start eating new things. They even gave me ideas as to things I could try, which is a huge help cos I'm clueless when it comes to meals and nutrition. That whole exchange made me feel like I'm making progress.



Last thing I wanna talk about (I really am dragging on here a bit, sorry :P) is body image. Now I'm not in shape, not really, so I was a little iffy about seeing the other guys topless in case it made me feel inadequate. I saw both the other guys there topless at some point, and I realised that I am judging myself way too harshly. I'm certainly not as fit or as mature as them, but after looking at them and comparing their chests to mine... I'm not that bad! I'm really not! I could be a little more toned, with a smaller stomach and stronger arms, but seriously, I could be doing a lot worse than I am. One of them even had more pimples on his stomach than me—I'm like "well, it didn't stop him from getting laid, now did it :P". So yeah, improvements to be made, but nothing to feel awful about in my current state either :)


Right, I'ma go now. This entry took me like 3 days to write. That is too many days for one entry. I might as well start writing novellas or some shit.

EDIT: Something I forgot to mention (of course I forget to mention something) was the fact that I'm glad I did something I don't normally do, ie. go to a theme park. My social things are usually either meet-ups in town, gaming days, or sleepovers. I haven't been to a theme park in I dunno how long, and it exposed me to a whole bunch of new things. I actually wasn't totally looking forward to going on the morning itself (partially because of the early start, I must admit :P), but by the end of the day, I was thoroughly satisfied with how the day went, even with the shortcomings mentioned above. Hopefully I get to do more new things in the future :D

New Year: Old Quotations

"I'm learnding!"

Ralph Wiggum

I figured I'd write a 'year-in-review' post. Last year defied all expectations, really. If, at the end of 2013, you'd said to me "next year, you're gonna meet a whole group of people separate from your current group, you're gonna crush on this super-cute girl and ask her out two days after you first lay eyes on her, you're gonna go to a whole bunch of sleepovers, you're gonna organise an outing to Sydney, you're gonna sing karaoke, you're gonna learn Dungeons and Dragons, and you're gonna actually start applying to venues so you can perform comedy", I would have laughed at you. Seriously: I would have stood there, chuckling to myself, going "oh, sure, I'm gonna meet people, and ask a girl out. You're fuckin' hilarious."

But it all happened. It all happened! That's insane, at least relatively speaking. It's not that I thought only some of those things would happen; it's that I thought none of them would happen. But nope: it all did. And that's great! It may not be the most exciting thing for anyone else my age, but fuck them; it's my life I'm worried about, not theirs :P  It wasn't a perfect year, but there's no such thing as a perfect year, and it's outshone every year prior to it in terms of achievements.



I'm not one for New Year's Resolutions, but if I could name three things right now that I wanna achieve this year, they'd be:

1. developing better eating habits and becoming a little healthier
2. performing comedy at least semi-regularly
3. scoring a date and/or screw

Get larger, get laughs, get laid :P  I dunno if I'll actually do any of that stuff, but after this year, it would be utterly foolish to say they definitely won't happen. The first two are certainly achievable through discipline and applied effort, whereas the third one is more luck-of-the-draw (anyone who says otherwise is a fucking liar :P).



The desire to change my eating habits has risen sharply, but the willpower required hasn't come about yet. Normal food just looks so... foul. It's daunting to think that most people eat meals on a daily basis where the ingredients list is 100% made up of things I've never eaten before. Like, sure, I could start small, one ingredient here, another there, but it'll still take ages for me to eat properly, and even longer for me to bulk up a bit.

That's the main reason I want to eat properly: to improve my looks. It'll definitely make it easier to socialise and travel, and those are huge benefits, but the leading immediate cause behind my desire to eat properly is so I can be normal-sized. I weighed myself the other day—I was, like, 49.7kg. That is tiny for a 21-year-old guy! Even other skinny guys are fatter than me. there are seven-year-olds with fatter arms than me. Dat's real skinny, yo. This is, of course, without mentioning the ever-worsening pimples on my face and upper-chest, which are becoming more noticeable and more painful (when I accidentally scratch them). And while I'm far from ugly, I wanna look healthier and more mature than I currently do. Changing my eating habits is literally the only way that will happen. I dunno how or where to start, but if a fat person can change their diet, I can too.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing or not, but the food/exercise thing is a lot more prevalent in my head. There's a morning exercise plan on reddit that I scabbed a while back, and I think it'd be good to put it into practice, even if I don't change my eating habits yet. I tried doing a push-up (not the easy kind where your knees are on the ground) and I can do them; I was surprised at that, but also quite pleased. So exercise isn't beyond me :)  I don't give a fuck about going to the gym, and I have no intention of reading every fucking label on every goddamned thing I eat :P, but there are vast improvements to be made. And out of diet and exercise, the latter is the easier one to initiate and maintain given I've at least done it before, having regularly walked to/from uni for quite a few years now.



The comedy goal is just a more serious version of a goal I've had for a while: get on stage more often. In addition to the five-minute bit I've been perfecting for a comedy competition that starts in mid-February, I also have a number of other bits I wanna try out. They're not individual jokes so much as they're 'chunks' of material that can only be performed as a whole—trying out individual bits online really isn't an option. And it's not just the stage time; it's the networking, the independence, the social side, and all the other things I won't even see coming. It's a lifestyle of sorts, I guess :)  I'm hoping I do well enough with the competition such that it'll give me a leg-up in the stand-up world, but if even if I do manage that, it's a long and hard road ahead if I wanna keep pursuing this line of work.



The romantic & sexual stuff obviously just carries over every year :P  Every now and then, I say to myself "I wonder if I'll still be single/a virgin one year from now". I suppose the answer has been 'yes' every time thus far :P  But hey, this could be the year! You never know. I'm certainly in a much better position now than I ever have been, given the vast increase in social activity on my part, as well as the acquired social skills.

I have to admit: the idea of having sex with someone is still a little scary, given the level of trust and intimacy involved. Like, most of me is totally gung-ho about it, but there's always that little bit of my brain that goes "uuuhhhh, so I wanna be naked? In front of a girl who's also naked? And I wanna touch her, and I want her to touch me? And I want us to play with each other's junk, eventually having my junk inside her junk? Oh jeez... shiver ...I hope she's okay with that." Being a 21-year-old virgin isn't too bad, even if I do get kinda sullen when I hear about people I know having sex, but being 21 and having almost no idea what sexual intimacy is like in any form can feel little daunting. No sense worrying about it—I'm more excited than worried :)—but yeah, only time will tell.



The usual background goals also apply as per usual (do well at uni, find a job, continue playing way too much Tetris for my own good), but those are the three I wanted to talk about, and the only three that would be of any interest to read about, really.

Weekend: That One Time I Was Actually Super Busy

I know, right? Since when do I do things? That is so not me.

This weekend was super crazy. On Saturday, I went to a friend's birthday party in Sydney (one of the people I met at that sleepover in February), then on Sunday, I went to another friend's 21st back home.  I was looking forward to both these events, but was unsure what to expect from each one.

So, Saturday first. I went up on the train with a friend to Sydney, meeting up with most of the others once I was there. We walked around in town for a bit, perusing various shops. It kinda sucks being in a mall while unemployed and thus under-financed: I don't see the point in walking around a mall unless I wanna buy something :P  I do love window shopping with my best friend, that's for sure, but it's kind of a tradition for us, whereas it's not for these guys. I'm not saying I was annoyed or anything; it just wasn't the most exciting few hours :P  We did eventually sit down and eat, which again, is a little tricky when you're like me, but that's just how it is. There was a new person there (new to me, I mean), and I never greeted the guy. Like, he was there for hours, and I never said a word to him cos I was nervous. I am so bad with introductions :P

Anyway, we eventually went to karaoke, basically the main event of the trip. I've never been to karaoke before, so this was a new experience. I had a totally different image in my head from what it ended up being. I pictured a single open room with chairs, tables, and a bar, with some microphones and monitors on-stage for people to use, each group who was there having to share it with the other groups. It was actually more compartmentalised than that: each group had their own room, complete with lounges, tables, a song-selection screen, and a monitor that displayed the lyrics on top of a music video.

I say a music video, and not the music video, for a reason: barely any of the songs were coupled with their official music video. It's not like we were singing obscure songs; these were run-of-the-mill, popular-as-fuck, if-you're-going-to-karaoke-then-you're-gonna-sing-this-whether-you-like-it-or-not songs. And it was hilarious. The music videos made so little sense! The focus was on the singing, of course, but sometimes it was just so bad :P  The video for 'Wannabe' by Spice Girls was just... seagulls. Fucking seagulls! We were both amused and confused. Gotta love them Spice Gulls :P

It took a while for me to fully settle in. I wasn't super-nervous going into it, cos I knew this wasn't gonna be any more embarrassing than the things I've done on-stage before, but I wasn't immediately open to the idea of singing either. I mean, the acoustics were such that you could hardly even hear yourself if even one other person was singing (mic'd or not), much less when half the room sings—I didn't fear people hearing my bad singing. It just took me a while to relax, I guess. I sung a few songs, so I didn't totally exclude myself (only ones I can remember is 'Pretty Fly (For a White Guy)' by The Offspring, and 'Call Me Maybe' by whoever the fuck sings that song :P). And there were at least two people who didn't sing at all, so I could've done a lot worse in terms of participation. It was definitely fun, and that's the main thing :)



Next thing I know, I'm asked "so are you gonna sleep over? Or are you gonna go back home?" Sleep over? Wat? Wat? I went up there on the pretence I'd have to go home after karaoke—I even bought a return train ticket. I had no sleeping bag, no spare clothes, and no food. But I said "eh, fuck it, may as well". What's the worst that could happen, right?

So I went back to the birthday girl's house with about half the group that came to her birthday. I was, again, nervous as all hell, as I usually am when I'm in a stranger's house for the first time. I didn't even sit down until the mother asked me to :P  I dunno why I get as nervous as I do in people's houses like that: all my friends are awesome, so all their parents are probably awesome too, not the kind of people who get pissed when people sit on their sofa before being given permission :P

I also finally got to give my gift to the birthday girl, having carried it around for the past nine hours :P  Everyone found the card really funny (way funnier than I expected), and the birthday girl loved her gifts, so I'm super pleased with that, especially given I was freaking out with what to get her—the first thing I got her was something she already had (thank god for the boyfriend who was able to tell me ahead of time :P). I haven't bought a single card this year, having made all my own instead, and I'm definitely sticking with the idea. I like creating the cards, printing them costs me nothing (ink and cardboard is free, courtesy of mum :P), and there's a 0% chance it'll be the same card as someone else's. Everybody wins! I might try some more creative designs next year, deviate from the A5-folded-in-half motif a little bit.

We stayed up and watched TV, and eventually, they went out to get food. I was hungry (I hadn't eaten in a fair while), and I remember being told we'd go to the supermarket to get food before I came over, but that never ended up happening. I wasn't totally empty, but I could've done with some food. I explained to one of the other people I met about my weird eating habits (basically how I'm repulsed by most articles of food, even though I know it's something people are totally able to eat), and she said she understood. I've never used that explanation in public before, so it was good to know it conveys the feeling properly.

Here's where things get a bit shaky: we went to bed at about 1am or so, and I got the couch (I usually do). It was really hot, so I've no idea why I used the blanket they gave me, but I did. Thing is, as much as I tried to sleep, I couldn't, cos two people stayed up all night talking to each other, and however quiet they were, I couldn't get to sleep cos of them. And I needed the rest cos I had another birthday to go to back home later that evening. What's the worst that could happen? Getting no fucking sleep, that's what :P   I think I got maybe an hour's sleep tops.

And here's why that's a problem: over the course of an hour or so, I nearly convinced myself not to go to that birthday party. I was in such a bad mood that I put on my iPod and listened to every sad song I had. I pictured nothing but bad things happening: being approached by drunkards, being judged for my looks or my virginity, being ostracised—just the worst things. I was like "well, if it's gonna be that bad, why even go?" Not only that, but by 7 or 8am, I was convinced people were gonna sleep so late that I wasn't even gonna make it home in time to go anyway. I felt it rude to wake people up, even though I had somewhere I needed to be.

So yeah, I was irritable as fuck that morning. My friend asked me if I had a good sleep, and I flatly said 'no'. I'm usually a nice enough person, but when I wake up after a sleepless night, I am a right cunt :P  We went down to the store, I got some food and some coffee, and I got myself into a half-decent mood. We organised the ride home, and it looked like I'd end up having about 3 hours to make the card and get myself ready, which was plenty. I was happy on the way home, thoroughly out of my negative mindset by the time I arrived at my house, and I had more than enough time to prepare everything, so I dodged a bullet on that one. As shitty as I may have felt, it's rude to not turn up to something when you said you would.

I think I met three people that weekend, one of whom I've heard over Skpye during games of Dungeons and Dragons. That says something, when my meeting people is mentioned at the end of the section :P  I'll probably only meet them again through the group, but that's OK. They were cool peeps :)



So onto birthday party number two! It was a Titanic-themed party, so I dressed up in moderately-fancy clothes and made my way down there. I wasn't quite as pleased with the card this time around, but I didn't know I'd only have 3 hours to work on the goddamn thing. I even wrote the girl's name on the envelope upside-down, cos, you know, I'm so dedicated :P

Weirdly enough, I didn't know what to expect from this party, either, apart from the Titanic theme. Given the time-frame, I wasn't sure if it'd be a dinner party or a more casual affair. I certainly wasn't looking forward to the food thing, but I never am :P  When I got there, though, it was far more on the casual side: only a few tables, far more standing room than sitting room, and a DJ playing music. I was pleasantly surprised :)

About that DJ, by the way... she had Beats headphones. That confused me :P  Beats headphones are like the Crocs of the headphone world. It obviously didn't affect me at all, cos I don't have to listen to the headphones, but being a DJ who wears Beats headphones is like being a history teacher who wears an SS uniform: it demonstrates an astounding level of ignorance :P

Jokes aside, let's get back to the party. Now, bear in mind: I'm not feeling like shit anymore, like I was that morning. I'm not in a bad mood. But for some reason, when I got there, I got really nervous. I was sweating, and I couldn't keep still. Thing is, I had no clue what I was nervous about. It wasn't the stuff I'd imagined that morning: those scenarios were so removed from reality that they weren't even worth considering. I honestly have no idea why I was nervous! I wasn't scared of anyone in particular; I wasn't dreading judgement like I was before; I was a little shaky about the food thing, but I always am, and it doesn't get to me that much, so... what the fuck? Even when my friends turned up, I was still, for lack of a better word, paranoid. The first hour or so was probably like that. I talked to maybe one or two people I hadn't met before, and was so closed off that I couldn't respond with anything other than stock responses. I hate being tense like that, and I couldn't even identify its source, much less stop it.

Eventually though, as tends to happen at these things, groups began to form. I was now in a group with three of my friends, so the discomfort subsided fairly quickly. Other people came over and talked to us from time to time, and we wandered around as a group too, but we stuck close together. We caught up, joked with each other, and I was finally able to get into my element and loosen up a bit. I was making conversation, making jokes, etc. While I know I could get annoyed at myself for not meeting new people, I see no point in that. I wasn't there to meet new people; I was there to enjoy myself. If I had met new people, then cool, that would've been great; but I didn't, and it's a non-issue. I think a better focus for these things is just to go and enjoy myself, rather than go out of my way just to meet some arbitrary goal.

I saw my ex there, which I didn't expect. It's always nice to see her. She looked stunning, too: she looked just like Rose from the movie (I don't even fuckin' know anything about the movie and I knew who it was :P). I don't know what it is about hanging out with her, but it's just so comfortable. I can make her laugh really easily, and she can talk to me without any awkwardness. Talking to her and joking around with her just makes me super happy. I've no interest in dating her again (I even mentioned another girl I'm interested in right in front of her, not 100% sure how much of a good idea that was :P), but it kinda sucks we can't hang out more often. It sucks that my high school friends meet up so infrequently in general, but I see my ex less often than my other friends. I should definitely invite her to more things :)

One thing I couldn't bring myself to do was compliment her appearance. I dunno... it just seemed to risky. She did look beautiful—I'll say it here without issue—but telling her she looked beautiful wouldn't have sat well with me. It's not that she's my ex; I'm just shitty at complimenting people's appearance in general. The birthday girl looked great too: her hair was all curly, and her dress really suited her (though I've no clue if it was a reference to the film), but I didn't say anything to her either. It's just not a thing I've ever done.

WAIT. THAT IS COMPLETE FUCKING BULLSHIT! I have done that before; I did it when I was 16! I complimented Sally's formal dress after the Year 10 formal! In fact, I walked up to her specifically so I could compliment her outfit! It was the only reason I spoke to her that day! I AM REGRESSING AS A HUMAN BEING >:(

What a disappointing realisation. I gotta go ask my 16-year-old self how I pulled that shit off :P

Moving on. Another thing I kinda thought about with my ex was just the way we were talking to each other. I obviously joke around with all my friends—that's just what I do—but I was kinda teasing my ex a bit. It was all playful, nothing serious, but there was a little bit of fun being poked. And I thought to myself "...if you'd said those same sorta things to another chick, one you fancied, and you changed your voice a bit to convey your intent, sexed it up a bit... would that be flirting? Is that what flirting is? ...oh my fucking god, it is." I definitely wasn't flirting with my ex, but if I said similar stuff with a different tone of voice, saying it to a girl who I was trying to date or fuck, and she reacted as positively as my ex did... goodbye virginity :P

Another cool thing I realised (so many realisations here, lol) is that I was far more confident in terms of joking around. There are two people in particular who, when I'm around them, I can't joke well cos I feel they're better at conversational humour than me. I don't hate these people for it, but I know their presence makes me less socially outward. One of them was present at the party, and they didn't come around very often, but even when they did, I didn't joke any less than usual—in fact, I joined in! I played off their ideas rather than shying away from them! I dunno how I did that, but I did. It's kinda strange how I went from 'paranoid' to 'stepping outside regular boundaries', but alas, it happened.

When the party was drawing to a close, after the cake was cut, people started to dance. I didn't really wanna dance, so I stayed seated. I got the usual "oh come on, dance!" thing, with people trying to pull me out of my seat, but I wasn't feeling it. I played Pokémon Stadium 2 on my phone instead. I wasn't even sad about not dancing; I felt great! I sat there, battling away, tapping my feet, mouthing the words to the songs, just enjoying myself. I'm not being at all sarcastic: I enjoyed it! Could have been a bit more conversational, perhaps: there were two other people at the table, but they weren't talking much either, so what the fuck am I supposed to do :P  I'm just glad I was able to feel comfortable like that having made my decision, cos I usually feel bad about it. Would I have danced if, say, someone asked (even if it was just a friendly invitation)? Probably. Dancing with someone would have been fun too, don't get me wrong :)  But, again, what's the point in forcing myself to do something I'm not comfortable with for the sake of conformity, especially when my friends were totally cool with me sitting out? Pointless worrying, and nothing more.

That was pretty much the best aspect to the party: the freedom involved. You could walk wherever you wanted, sit wherever you wanted, talk to whoever you wanted, get drinks if you wanted, give your drink vouchers up if you wanted, eat the canapés if you wanted, eat dinner if you wanted, dance if you wanted: it was free. There was no force: it was just free. It was so free, it was like a Libertarian Party up in that shit (no apologies, that was super clever, shut up :P). 

And not only was it free, but it was free of assholes! People were drinking, but no one was acting like a cunt! No fuckwits saying utterly stupid things to me, no loud fucks hooping and hollering for no reason, no sick people needing to barf... no cunts whatsoever! Where the fuck are these reasonable drinkers when I'm out with family!? Seriously, I could do with more of that shit. I would have zero problem hanging out with people while they're drinking if they behaved like that more regularly.



So yeah, those were the two parties I went to over the weekend. Both were super funz, and I'm particularly glad I didn't skip the second one, cos if I'd known what I'd have missed, I would've been very sad. I dunno what she thought of her gift cos she must have opened them after we left, but hopefully she liked it. I also had none of the cake cos it just... never crossed our minds to get any :P  Seriously: the birthday girl cut the cake, then the music came on, then people started dancing, then I started playing Pokémon... and about half an hour later, we left. Cake was never even mentioned after that point, much less eaten. I didn't even see anyone eating cake, or even serving it. What the fuck happened? I never got any cake! I have been robbed of cake! I DEMAND CAKE!

(seriously Lucy, I want cake. Don't make me take you to Small Claims Court.)

also, I realise I commented on your latest blog entry, like, half an hour after you posted it. That's not cos I'm constantly checking if you've posted shit; I just happened to go to Blogger so I could finish this post just after you made your post. Hopefully that didn't weird you out or anything :P

and doooooo iiiitttttt goddamnit :P



EDIT: I totally forgot to mention something quite important. There were people at each party who asked me how my comedy was going! That sounds like nothing, cos obviously people are gonna ask you how your life's going, but it's important to me cos 1) no one from the Sydney group really knows much about my comedy stuff, so it was cool one of them asked, and 2) it means people actually remember things I've posted on Facebook with regards to it. I remember asking people if they'd be interested in going to a comedy performance were I to organise one, and, like, one person responded :P  I was kinda disappointed. But then people asked me in real life how it was going, saying they'd tag along too if I were to perform, so I'm really pleased with that :)

Sex: Let's Talk About It

Cos I want to :)  I've wanted to talk about it for a few days, but my urge to write came from being horny, and I ended up dealing with that in... other ways :P  I'm not horny at all right now, so I'll be able to write without being distracted, not to mention that whatever I end up writing will be a little more reasonable and subdued than it might have been.

The main thing is that I'm basically more interested in having sex than I was before—like, substantially more interested. I'm not sitting here thinking "man I have got to get laid", but I'm thinking a lot more about when it'll happen and how it'll go down. I've been looking at myself in the mirror a lot (something I've never really done), thought about how I look, etc. I've been contemplating where I'll be when I meet the girl, how I'll start conversation, how I'll flirt with her. I've nothing specific in mind that I wanna try, nor even the willpower to go out and make this happen; I'm just toying with the idea in my head, cos it's fun.

I'm curious as to what a woman will think of my body. On one hand, I'm mostly in proportion, all my bits are in the normal places, my face isn't abysmal—I don't need to worry about them thinking I look dreadful. It's more the little things I'm worried about. Like the fact that, while my body's in proportion, it has no substance to it. There's hardly any muscle or fat. I'm not anorexic (I've seen that shit, I look fine compared to them :P), but most men are just flat-out bulkier than me, even other skinny dudes. I definitely have some fat and muscle; there just isn't much. My arms and legs in particular are super-thin. It kinda makes me doubt that any woman will want to touch me if there's nothing there for them to actually touch :P  And while my face is fine, it does have that red pimply tinge to it, not to mention my upper chest having the same thing. As much as I try to get rid of it, it's not going anywhere, at least not yet. The last thing I fuckin' need is to take a girl home, take my shirt off, and have her go "ew, why are there pimples on your chest?" My teeth being out of place and my tongue being super-short make me question if I can kiss properly (will my teeth collide with hers? If my tongue can't reach into her mouth, is that a problem?).

Though I've never had any actual issues based on these factors, I feel as though they could be problematic. Obviously each girl is different as to what they're looking for, but this is more about not meeting the most basic of standards. While I know at least one girl has found me 'cute', the number of girls who've found me 'hot' has never risen above zero :P  I can say with a fair amount of confidence that there are no women on this planet who've wanted to fuck me thus far. So I really have no clue what to expect when I try to hit on (or manage to sleep with) a girl, at least in response to my physicality

On a(n ironic) side note, I'm actually not at all concerned about the size of my cock. It's not small, and it's not too big either; it's perfect :)  And if you look at it mathematically, if the rest of my body is small, that makes my dick look slightly bigger... totally helpful :P



One may say "it's more about confidence than looks". Well sure, but how much? How many visual flaws can sheer confidence account for? I can't really see myself wanting to be with a girl who's all about looks and doesn't care about personality at all, even if it's a hook-up, but if they're gonna sleep with me, surely they're gonna want something nice to look at and touch :P  I dunno. Maybe confidence does turn certain girls on more than looks do.

Cos that's pretty much all I'm looking for in a girl: one who's horny for me. I don't wanna get laid for the sake of getting laid; I wanna get laid cos there's someone else out there who wants to fuck me. I'm so curious as to what it'd be like to have a girl actually wanting me sexually, cos I've never experienced that before. I want the girl to want me just as much as I want them, to be feeling me up and groping me just as much as I'm doing it to them, to want my clothes off as badly as I want theirs off. It might take a while to find a girl like that, but it'd be worth the wait. I have absolutely no interest in fucking some random chick just cos she wants to be my first, or cos she's desperate and has low/no standards. Fuck that :P



I'm also a lot more open to the idea of a one night stand than I was before. I don't just want it more: I feel more ready for it, more capable of dealing with it. I've been fantasising about it a lot more, even though my fantasises up to this point have usually of the romantic sort. It just seems so exciting to take a new person home knowing they're so into you that they wanna skip the formalities and just bang you. I'm still far more privy to something long-term—that hasn't changed, and probably never will—but the hook-up experience is one I very much want to have. 

I've even fantasised about having sex at the place we meet, not even wanting to go home. Going to the club bathroom, going outside to a park, sneaking into a bedroom at a party—just wanting it so bad that we have to get to it right away. I'm so curious as to what that urge looks like for a girl, and what it'll feel like knowing their urge is for me specifically. And I think I'd actually go through with that, as timid as I might seem. That scenario is exciting as all hell!
 
But yeah, I definitely feel comfortable with the idea of sex now, at least a lot more comfortable. When I wanted to hook up at my Year 12 Formal, I saw it more as a rite-of-passage thing. I was definitely attracted to the girls I wanted to approach, but there was no thought in my mind as to how comfortable it would be for either party. But now, I'm confident I could get in there and have some fun sexy times. And while I do have my aforementioned doubts about my physicality, that's the stuff I'd have to get out of the way before I talk to the girl, not once we're in the bedroom. Once that dick is hard, bodily-confidence is a non-issue, believe me :P



I've also thought about the kinds of things I'm looking for in a girl's body. I've come to the conclusion that while there are definitely some physical traits I'm really into on their own, it's more about their body as a whole. Like, I can quite confidently say I'm into redheads with really pale skin, or that I find glasses sexy, or that I like girls that are curvy and have a bit of meat on their bones more than skinny ones, but not one of those traits has to be there for me to find a girl hot. The last girl I wanted to date had many physical traits I may not have liked on their own, but cos her body was so fucking adorable as a whole, she was incredibly beautiful despite that (and being really interested in her personality helps, cos that introduces a filter that covers pretty much any physical flaw)

What's weird is that I don't often see women I find sexually attractive. I don't know what it is, but even if they fit the traits I like, it's rare for me to see a girl on the street where I'm like "wow, she looks good". It's not like I'm trying to look for hot chicks when I'm walking around, which could well be why it's so rare, but yeah, it doesn't happen often. I hope I'm not super-picky... I don't wanna be. Or maybe it's like girls I have heartfelt crushes on: perhaps I have to know something about their personality (or their sexuality, in this case) before I develop any lust. Not 100% sure.



And there's so much about the act that excites me! It's not just the 'penis-in-vagina' part—that's, like, one part. The making out, the feel-ups, touching her boobs, touching her stomach, fingering her, getting a handjob, a blowjob, making her cum, having her make me cum—all stuff I'm looking forward to experiencing eventually. Even if the girl and I don't go all the way, it'll still be great, at least in terms of it being a new experience.


I dunno when it'll happen, or even when I'll be somewhere it could happen, but hopefully it will soon :)