Tension: Butter Knives Won't Cut It Because It Isn't Tangible

... do they have intangible butter knives? Where could I get one of those from? ...I suppose it doesn't matter whether I have one or not -- the tension is here to stay.

I have since seen my fancy for what is probably the last time. All the commotion is beginning to settle, the feelings are beginning to recede, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth doing this again when this is what's going to end up happening each and every time :P  Even the last day heralded signs of this whole thing being somewhat mutual, but the end of the day made it rather clear that the signs were just as I thought them to be: not signs. It's unusual going back and looking at all those little things she did...

"Surely, these things must have meant something!"

Nope.

"So... so all this just... happened?"

Uh-huh.

"Damn..."

The Tuesday began as they all have for the last few weeks: me getting off the train and running like a motherfucker in the hopes of catching up. The train arrived late, so I had to run the entire way; and I did! Slow down? What the fuck for!? I've got shit to do! At this point, the day is playing out like a poorly written, all but clichéd' romantic comedy :P  I ran, and I ran, and I ran... and I ran... and I... ran... and... I... ran... ... ...then I got there... ...to the place the meetings were held... "ah, shit! I've missed her! I must have ran past her again! God dammit!"

I sit down, catching my breath (it's weird how no one asked why I was breathing so heavily), and we all know who shows up five minutes later... from the other fucking direction! I came in from the east side; she came in from the west side! ... why!? I know which train station she gets off at! I walk past it on the way there, and that's the path she usually takes, so what's up with this tricky, ninja-like teleportation shit she's pulling here!? If I'd known, I just would have kept running! I don't give a fuck if I have to double back -- it's more than worth it! And an explanation, you think she'd ask for? I'd have just made one up -- who cares!?

"The main thing is that she's here. Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't, because she's here." They immediately wished her "happy birthday!", which I had to chime in for at the last second because I didn't know (I'm finding it harder each day justifying my decision to not use Facebook -- how else would they have known :P). She greets everyone with a friendly hug; and boy, was I looking forward to mine! She said nothing more than "hello, [name]!" with each hug, except mine (of course, mine just has to be different to make things more confusing), as she added on a "nice jacket!" with my greeting. I suppose it's just one more for the pile of things that can be easily misinterpreted as signs of something meaningful :P

Discussion was fruitful as I waited for the perfect moment to ask for her e-mail/phone number/whatever. "I'll take the first one I get! I don't care if these people figure everything out; I just want those details, dammit!" Unfortunately, she sat quite far from me (at the other end of the table >.< ) so I couldn't speak directly to her, or even move to sit next to her... poor girl didn't even have a seat! She was just kneeling at the table! I wanted to offer her a seat, but where she was, a seat wouldn't fit... she could have had my seat if she wanted! Hell, I'd be her seat :P  Seat or no seat, however, discussion continued; and my non-involvement in the conversation went against me as the subject matter turned to that which is ripe for disagreement: religion. See? I told you he was a motherfucker! I heard the word "evolution" come out of someone's mouth, and off they went.

I don't get it: there was not one person at that table who can prove the existence or non-existence of God, nor one who can explain fully how species have come to be! What the fuck were they arguing for!? No one side was going to sway the other, so what was the point!? We're writers, not scientists! Herp-a-derp indeed :P

After the meeting started, no hard feelings were felt, so all was well... but how was I supposed to talk to her now? She sat across from me, as if to taunt me with that oh-so-beautiful face I'll (probably) never lay eyes upon again, and the last meeting commences. Cake was brought by our mentors, but it had all kinds of things in it that turned me right off -- since when were poppy-seeds in cake!? Seriously! "Luckily" (I use the term lightly :P) my fancy just happened to have with her a box, inside of which was a lone muffin. Upon hearing of my lack of appeal for the cake: "Oh! Would you like this muffin instead?" ... does she even have to ask? Really? "Oh, sure! :D" It's chocolate, so I'm on that motherfucker like it's nobody's business :P  I'd have eaten it in one big mouthful, but, you know... still trying to make an impression here :P

The meeting goes on, and we near the end. We somehow get on to the topic of formatting the scripts, and I'm immediately mentioned because my formatting skills are super-duper-elite, apparently :P  The mentor goes so far as to ask me to explain how I format my scripts, and I do so, with my fancy being the only one to reply, with something along the lines of "really? So you just make a table in Word with two columns, and make the grid invisible? Genius." Genius? Genius!? What the hell was that!? What is she: the Queen of Hyperbole? Little Miss Exaggeration? It doesn't matter how you look at it though -- that was a clear cut compliment right there, man! There's no denying that one; no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it only served to confuse me further :P

Not long after, I was sent out to do an errand. Everyone else was saying their goodbyes, and I was taking one for the team; one I'd have rather not taken. As soon as I arrived back, they took a group photo (I am yet to receive it, and I want it; and we all know why :P), then she just... left! I saw her put on her bag and simply walk out the door! She said goodbye to no one -- not even me -- but she'd probably taken care of that whilst I was out of the room! Ain't fate a bitch :P  I thought all was lost... until someone realised she'd left her container behind! Her friend, however, was far quicker than I was to pick it up and run screaming her name down the hallway in her attempt to get it back to her... I should have snatched the fucking thing out of her hand and pushed her out of the way, but alas, I did not.

And thus ended (rather abruptly) the escapade.

I have since sent the girl an e-mail with the address I acquired months ago, simply asking if we could keep in touch -- I had no chance to ask there, so what the hell, right? Unfortunately, however, she is yet to respond (if ever :P). It could be the fact she doesn't check her e-mail often; it could be the fact she's on a trip and can't check her e-mail; it could be the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me :P Who knows? A few more days and I'll call the quits all together... perhaps :P  As much as I talk about the past, and what could of happened, my friend left me with a rather strong statement:

"It couldn't have happened any other way, because it happened, and you're still here."

Too true... too true...

If there's anything to take from this, it's as follows: do shit while you can still do it. Leave nothing for later, and hesitate no longer on those things you want so badly. You're going to have to take chances, but that's half the fun, so get in there and have some fun! You might have to prepare, and you might have to sacrifice, but it's all worth it in the end :)

Assemblies: Now With Added Relevance

Picture this: you're standing in front of 800 people, about to address them. No one knows what you're going to do; they know you're going to say something, but only a select few have any real insight as to what you plan to spout. You're nervous, and rightly so; you could get in trouble! You could fall in to a hole too tall to climb out of! You could fall so far that any hope of seeing daylight again would be totally and utterly destroyed by the inbound darkness! You could get in to some deep shit -- real deep shit -- but you are determined to get up there and speak. The previous speaker gives you the microphone, and the audience expects just another message, only to be met with an unusual and seemingly random comment about a linguistic folly, then a joke about a fence. The audience is now laughing and cheering harder than you could ever imagine (you didn't think it was that funny) as the big boss takes the microphone from you, proceeding to talk for 5 minutes about how it's wrong to waste people's time.

This was me at 11:15 this morning.

To make that a lot clearer for those of you who don't attend my educational facility, what I've just described was this weeks installment of our weekly assembly, and it differed from the norm in the fact that I got up and made a political comment regarding our (Australia's) indigenous culture and its acknowledgment, as well as a crack about a fence that's being installed all the way around the facility I attend. This was met with an incredible and seemingly unbelievable reaction from my audience, as well as disapproval from our facility's head honcho. 15 seconds of applause and a 10 minute one-on-one talk with the aforementioned honcho is a fair price to pay for a minute of stage time :P I'm a (wannabe :P) comedian: when I see 800 people sitting and listening to the reproduction of the sound traveling in to a microphone that it seems just about anyone is allowed to use for a minute or so, what the fuck do they expect me to do?

I'll put the two comments in context; the first comment deals with indigenous relations in my country. At each public gathering that any government body oversees, a representative reads aloud the "Acknowledgement to Country," a passage that (supposedly) recognises the former sole residents of this country -- the British colonised the country in the late 1700s and early 1800s, and needless to say, the indigenous people didn't have much fucking input :P  This is all well and good -- at least, in theory, provided the intention is to advance indigenous reconcilement rather than just being a doohickey that relieves the government of guilt -- and I support this acknowledgement, however, its wording is poor. The expression I question is the part where the indigenous people are referred to as the "owners" of the land, which, according to documented history, they are not; they believed the land to be an entity that they were one with, not a commodity to be bought, sold or exploited. Ownership is a European term and a European concept; thus, I see no place for it in such an acknowledgement -- to quote George Carlin: "...we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language." This comment go no reaction, just as I expected, for it actually made the audience think for a goddamned second! They didn't see it coming, but it wasn't just to get the brains in the audience rolling; more was to follow :P

Comment two: the fence. As I mentioned before, there's a fence going up all the way around our little facility: the "vertical bar" variety in a nice shade of black. I think this too is stupid; not so much because of the fence's purpose -- to "keep out unwanted guests" according to the officials the project has been mandated by, but it's there just as much to keep students in; believe me :P -- but because of its look. No, the facility isn't an art project, but it looks shitty enough as it is: we've got this dull grey paint covering the buildings (installed after I started attending, covering an otherwise tolerable navy,) all the students are (expected to be :P) in uniform, and there are even bars covering some of the windows; does this place need to look more like a prison? It was this line that sparked my implicit dismissal as I was relieved of the microphone to the tune of uproarious applause; I hate to mention it repeatedly, but it was fucking insane! I expected a chuckle here and there, but nothing like what actually happened! This too probably spelled the end of my little tirade; God forbid the students hear and share the opinion of someone they can relate to :P

This was followed by head honcho going on about how the assembly isn't a platform for political commentary, and that such banter is a waste of time... what the fuck? I see people get up there week after week and spout all kinds of shit about women's rights and the third world -- important issues, no doubt -- but I can't take the piss out of a fence!? I can't comment on something more relevant to these people? Not to mention the fact she rambled on about this for five times the amount of time I spent with my little crusade; is that hypocrisy, or is that hypocrisy? Wanna make it clear that the assembly's time isn't to be wasted? SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT! I'd speak of the 10 minute conversation head honcho and I had afterwards... but we'd be here all day :P

What amazes me is the plethora of attention this has sparked in not only me and my "balls of steel," but the presented issues themselves. My friend tells me that Facebook is alive with conversation; mission completed! That was the whole fucking idea: to get people thinking! I won't lie: it was also an ego trip, and a damned good one -- it's not everyday you have students coming up to you telling you the materials out of which your testicles have been constructed in their metaphorical world :P If you're gonna get up and speak, I feel you should be proud of what you have to say and embrace it, not to mention stick behind it, even if your views have changed. Take it in -- you only live once! That, however, was just as much a goal as the discussion was, and if people are talking about these issues and taking an interest, my work is done. I don't want to tell people how to think; I want to encourage people to think, as well as make people laugh. Views need to be challenged to be developed, and that goes for me as much as anyone else. Got a problem? Speak up; something cool might happen!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a few drums of insta-dry rainbow paint to acquire :D