Not This Fucking Shit Again

dat theme change :D

It's time for everyone's favourite type of post: the rehash!

cheers and applause

Well, not quite a rehash, but a re-exploration, most certainly.

I've been pretty busy over the past week, having three social outings in just four days: a birthday party, a LAN party, and a trip to a theme park. The first two were awesome and without incident; everything went extremely well. The theme park outing was also incredibly fun, and certainly a change from the outings I'm used to attending, but there was one particular side to it that fucked with my head for quite a bit while I was there. To be clear, the outing in and of itself was awesome and I don't regret going at all. The rides were intense, but not too scary; and the social element was almost entirely comfortable. I had a fantastic time, and nothing written beyond this point takes away from that enjoyment in any substantial way.

But why only 'almost'? Well, early on in the day, when we dropped all our stuff on so we could start riding the rides, we were joking around about putting the sunscreen on. The group had two couples in it, and one of the guys was applying sunscreen onto his girlfriend's face. Someone then joked about it being representative of their 'sexsploits' or something to that effect. And as soon as she said it, I felt really tense and awkward.

Now, let's be clear: I know these two fuck each other. It's something I've known for a while. It's hardly surprising: they're a couple, they're not religious conservatives, they've made no claims of abstinence, nothing about 'waiting until they're comfortable' or 'saving themselves till marriage', so it really isn't a leap to conclude that, yes, they fuck. And it's not like I pictured it in my head and was like "eeewwww, gross! That's disgusting!" I watch porn, for fuck's sake; I've seen far worse, believe me :P  But it only took the mere mentioning of their sexual activity for me to tense up, and it got to me more than it should have.



First off is the obvious annoyance of being made anxious by the mentioning of something both trivial and irrelevant. What fucking difference does it make that these two have sex? How the hell does this affect me? It doesn't! It doesn't affect me at all. How is it related to me? It isn't! It isn't related to me at all. But for my brain, that's the problem: I cannot relate to the idea of having sex, and with the mentioning of other people's sex lives, however jokingly it may have been, I'm now stuck pondering over the fact that I haven't done it yet. Once a thought like that is planted in my head, it niggles away for unduly amounts of time. It's like someone who clicks a pen when they're bored: it's loud, it's obnoxious, and it achieves absolutely nothing.



The second thing is that when this kind of thing happens, it doesn't just mess with what's going on in my head; it also messes with how I behave socially. I'm used to being alone and thus being able to vent at will, having writing tools at my disposal to pour these thoughts into such that I can read into them another time. I had no such luxury here—it's not like you can have your phone in your pocket when going down a water slide :P  And this meant I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head; they were stuck there, niggling away, provoking further reflections and contemplations.

So I'm in my own little world at this point, talking and listening to my own internal dialogue. Meanwhile, my friends are trying to include me in a conversation, and I'm just walking past, head pointed at the ground, as if I'm not having a good time. When this fact was mentioned by someone, another person said "you could contribute to the conversation", and I thought "god fucking dammit you don't know what's going on in my head right now >.<". All I told them was that I had "stuff going through my head", and that's all I could say, really. It's not like I could've said "oh, someone made a joke about you having sex and now I can't stop thinking about my own lack of sexual activity, sorry about that".

I should also mention that if at any point I'm not contributing to a conversation, I'm either a) in my own little world, like I described above, contemplating something totally unrelated to the conversation, or b) listening to what's being said while not having anything to say. I'm not gonna talk for the sake of talking; that's just fucking obnoxious :P  If I think of something to say, I'll try to include it! But I never feel any obligation to talk, not unless I have something meaningful to contribute.



The third issue, and probably the most important one, is the kind of thoughts these little mental abstractions lead me to have. Suffice to say, shit gets fucked up. This wasn't the first time such anxiety had been felt at the mentioning of someone else's sex life; it's happened at least twice before.

The first time, I was at home alone, and I read a blog entry where a friend talked about their own sexual encounter. I felt a stronger anxiety than I did at the theme park, probably because I'd never really heard about any of my friends having sex at all until this point. Thing is, that mental snap ended up being a good thing, cos I went "well, you wanna get laid too? Work for it", which, over time, led to a dramatic increase in efforts towards improving my social skills. And it's paid off! I'm in a far better social position now than I was a year ago, thanks in part to that discomfort I experienced earlier on.

The second time, I was told by a third party that, yes, a couple I knew were sexually active. Again, it seems innocuous, right? They're a couple, so they've probably been fucking for a while—there's nothing disconcerting about that. But it still didn't matter: it messed with my head regardless, and I felt the same anxiety once again. Thing is, this time, it didn't lead to something positive; rather, it led to this blog entry where I basically said I felt inadequate.

Now, before I go any further, I wanna just bash the fuck out of this entry and what it says, cos it's really sad, and most of it is complete bullshit :P

"...when it comes to women, my skills haven't gone forward, or even gone nowhere; they've gone backward."

Not really. I'm also not sure how I could say they've gone backwards when I've had no real opportunity or drive to use those skills anyway.

"I think back to high school and marvel at what I managed to do. However I fathomed the courage, I asked two girls out in the space of six months. Haven't asked a single one out since then. How the fuck did I do it? Didn't I have less character back then?"

Yes, but I also had less to worry about back then. I didn't have to worry about being 'hot', or being employed, or any sexual shit. I didn't even have to worry about seeing the girls I asked out: she'd have been at school every day! It was easy as fuck :P  And in three weeks time, that "days since I last asked a girl out" counter was reset to zero. Until that point, I hadn't crushed on a girl enough to actually do anything about it—that lack of incentive was the real problem.

"I don't like girls as soon as I fucking look at them: their bodies alone will not convince me to do anything. [...] The spontaneity doesn't mesh with me at all."

Mmmmm... these words are delicious! I should've eaten them a long time ago. How long did it take to crush on that girl since I first saw her... five nanoseconds? Maybe six? I dunno; I wasn't counting.

Along with this, the deficiencies in my personality lead me to think it's actually immoral to approach women. I think about doing it, and it feels so wrong...

Didn't fuckin' stop me, did it :P  When I asked that girl out, I wasn't thinking "oh jeez, doing this will violate my moral code"; all I was thinking was "I might never see this girl again, I have to ask her out, do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it".

"I know I'm not a bad person; I'm just an incomplete person."

I'ma go all philosophy on my ass here: define what makes a person 'complete', and explain what exactly one would need to do to become a 'complete person'. Then explain how being a 'complete person' is actually a prerequisite for being in a relationship. Seriously, no one is a 'complete person'—the only person I can think of who's a 'complete person' is a dead person, cos they've 'completed' their life. Could I be a more interesting person? Certainly! Could I be a more sociable person? Sure, particularly when I wrote this entry. But a 'complete' person? Fuck off with your vague-ass language, boy.

"I don't have any real career desires (apart from comedy, which isn't a career I can say I'm actively working towards)..."

Wrong. This is not only wrong in that I now do have a real career desire (that being stand-up), I've been actively working towards that shit for the past four-and-a-half years! It's not like I've taken any long writing hiatuses or anything. I haven't performed four-and-a-half years worth of performances, but I've certainly written my fair share of material (even if most of it is utter crap :P). If I ever do begin to perform regularly, I'll have a large repertoire of material I can test out and work on, in addition to new stuff I'll be writing regularly.

"I don't have any real hobbies apart from comedy and typical geeky shit which only serves to alienate people..."

Wrong. Could I have more hobbies? I suppose, but it's not a huge issue that I don't, not really. And that 'typical geeky shit' totally counts as a hobby—how else would I have met this new friend group? Shit, they're nerdier than me! They play Dungeons & Dragons, for fuck's sake! That's the kind of thing I look at and go "woah, you people need to go outside and go to a bar and get laid cos holy fuck that's nerdy". And then I start playing it with them :P

"I have almost no confidence..."

More wrong than a goddamn anti-vax creationist astrologer :P  I don't even have to provide evidence for that cos so many of the entries from last year totally destroy that hypothesis. I did too many new things and met too many new people for this to be anything even approaching the truth.

"I don't have any desire to travel, eat normal food, drink alcohol, or try dangerous things in general..."

Wrong, wrong, irrelevant, and wrong. While I don't have much interest in being a tourist, I would like to travel to perform comedy, which is a pretty legit reason to travel; I've been thinking more and more about the food thing over the past month or so (and I'll get onto that further down); the fact that I don't drink simply doesn't matter and won't bother anyone worth hanging around; and if someone doesn't think getting on stage to tell jokes that you wrote yourself isn't dangerous, they're a fucking moron. Just because there's room for improvement doesn't mean I'm at rock bottom, nor does it mean I'm incapable of such improvement.

"I wish I could get at least some of the confidence back, cos that's the key to fixing the other problems"

And I since have. I could always be more confident, but I have the ability to fix these problems now. I've come further in a year than I ever thought I would.

OK, with that out of the way, let's get back to my mindset at the theme park. My thoughts after hearing the sex comment were similar to above in terms of their negativity, but rather than a feeling of inadequacy, it was a feeling of desperation. The tip of the iceberg was when I was riding a chairlift alone, hence being able to reflect free of interruptions, and I thought to myself:

Maybe I should just fuck the first girl who'll let me. Maybe if I just do it and get it out of the way, I won't feel this way anymore when I hear about other people having sex.

That's probably one of the worst thoughts I've ever had—not in that it made me feel the worst I've ever felt, but in that there are so many things wrong with that thought. For starters, desperation is one of the least attractive things imaginable. Even if I wanted to follow through with this plan, the emotions behind it are self-defeating.

But more importantly, would fucking the first girl I could make me feel better? I don't think so; in fact, I think it'd make me feel worse. There are only three possible scenarios here, each of which went through my head on that chairlift: either a) I fuck a girl who's attracted to me, but who I don't find attractive, b) I fuck a girl who's only fucking me cos she feels sorry for me cos I'm a virgin, or c) I pay to fuck a prostitute. And each scenario fails at solving the problem. Fucking a girl who I'm not into will be a chore, fucking a girl who feels sorry for me will feel like a chore for her, and fucking a prostitute is trying to buy something my friends got without having to pay a cent. All three scenarios would lead to regret, particularly because I was impatient, and the last one won't make me feel like I achieved anything at all. Physical satisfaction is easy enough to find, but if I want emotional fulfilment, I simply have to wait. My first time might be awkward and short-lived, and it might even be with a girl who leaves the next morning never to be seen again, but I REFUSE to let it happen without mutual attraction. No woman on this fucking planet is worth violating my own standards over like that.

Thankfully, those feelings only lasted about an hour or so. The remaining social interactions were good on my part: I joked around, responded to things, and didn't shy away or tune out often after the mindfuck incident.



There is one other slip-up that I'll write about here. It's not a big issue, and I'm not fretting over it, but it is a recurring issue, far more frequent than being put off by other people's sex lives :P  At lunch, a friend and I were talking alone. It was just normal conversation, and I was doing well enough at asking questions and listening to what was said, chipping in my own experiences from time to time, but letting her lead the conversation most of the time.

Eventually, she started talking about a guy she liked. I love talking about crushes and stuff like that, so I listen in as she talks. For the first few minutes, it's easy enough for me to figure out what questions to ask, primarily cos I'm genuinely curious, which makes the whole thing easier. The issue started when I wanted to butt in with my own experiences—this is something I fucking suck at. She mentioned how she felt about dating her ex, and after she stopped talking, the following exchange went through my head:

:O you should talk about your ex!
Why?
Cos you felt more strongly about your ex than she did about her ex.
And?
That'd be interesting to talk about, wouldn't it? I know you like to talk about this kinda stuff :)
Isn't that just copying what she said, though?
No no, it's your own perspective on your own life! It differs from hers—that's why you should say it!
But what if she decides that I didn't really feel the way I say I do about my ex? What if she disagrees?
How the hell could she possibly know how you felt about your own ex? Dude, you have to be quick—once the others return, the conversation topic will change!
...nah.
Goddamn you.

Even though I really really wanted to talk, I couldn't bring myself to do it. It felt too much like I was butting in. My friend's conversation was naturally winding down, but cos I didn't say anything, she kept talking to fill the silence, meaning I felt less and less obligation to talk.

Not soon after that, she returned to talking about a guy she liked, and her conversation was winding down in a similar way to before.

Hey, talk about that girl you like!
Why?
You might see her soon!
And?
Well, it's related, it's something you like talking about, and she might ask questions given you might see her soon, so why not?
Does she really care, though? Maybe she just wants to talk about the guy she likes.
I don't think she'll mind if you bring it up. She probably doesn't wanna do all the talking.
Maybe she does. Maybe that's why she keeps talking.
She keeps talking cos you won't talk! And if you don't talk about it now, you won't be able to talk about it for ages cos people are gonna come back and they'll talk about other stuff!
...nah.
>.<

Fucking annoying, let me tell ya :P



Something else I wanna mention, something I mentioned earlier in passing: the food thing. We got to talking about my weird eating habits, with the two people in the group I don't see too often basically asking questions about why I eat the way I do, what specific things I eat, etc. One of them brought up how I was a lot more open now about the food thing than before, which is a good sign. I honestly don't remember being confronted by the topic before, at least not at high school, but it doesn't surprise me in the slightest. Oddly enough, they thought they might be making me uncomfortable asking me questions about food—I was glad they were talking about it! Being offered food was a little annoying (seriously, don't do that. Do you not think people have tried that already? :P), but talking about it was good. It means it's out in the open, and it means I have a group of people ready to support me if I do start eating new things. They even gave me ideas as to things I could try, which is a huge help cos I'm clueless when it comes to meals and nutrition. That whole exchange made me feel like I'm making progress.



Last thing I wanna talk about (I really am dragging on here a bit, sorry :P) is body image. Now I'm not in shape, not really, so I was a little iffy about seeing the other guys topless in case it made me feel inadequate. I saw both the other guys there topless at some point, and I realised that I am judging myself way too harshly. I'm certainly not as fit or as mature as them, but after looking at them and comparing their chests to mine... I'm not that bad! I'm really not! I could be a little more toned, with a smaller stomach and stronger arms, but seriously, I could be doing a lot worse than I am. One of them even had more pimples on his stomach than me—I'm like "well, it didn't stop him from getting laid, now did it :P". So yeah, improvements to be made, but nothing to feel awful about in my current state either :)


Right, I'ma go now. This entry took me like 3 days to write. That is too many days for one entry. I might as well start writing novellas or some shit.

EDIT: Something I forgot to mention (of course I forget to mention something) was the fact that I'm glad I did something I don't normally do, ie. go to a theme park. My social things are usually either meet-ups in town, gaming days, or sleepovers. I haven't been to a theme park in I dunno how long, and it exposed me to a whole bunch of new things. I actually wasn't totally looking forward to going on the morning itself (partially because of the early start, I must admit :P), but by the end of the day, I was thoroughly satisfied with how the day went, even with the shortcomings mentioned above. Hopefully I get to do more new things in the future :D