This whole thing with the girl I asked out at the sleepover is still messing with me, or at least it started messing with me again tonight. With uni having started again, Violet hasn't been at the front of my mind, not often. I was correct in presuming that uni would distract me from thinking about her. But she's still up there. Even if she's in the back of my mind, she's still in my mind. It's starting to make me feel foolish and obsessive, even though I'm not really thinking about her anywhere near as often as I did after I got home from the sleepover.
The problem is that this whole situation is so ambivalent and unresolved. I sent Violet a friend request on Facebook, as I did with everyone else I met at the sleepover. Violet is one of only two out of six who haven't responded yet. At first, I was going back to her page every six hours or so to check if she'd seen the request, having learned that if she clicked Ignore, I'd only know if I went back to her page and saw "Add Friend" rather than "Friend Request Sent". Over time, it faded from memory, and eventually, I was only going back to her page every few days. Every time I went back, it still said "Friend Request Sent", and even though I could only see changes in her profile picture and her cover photo, there was no activity even there, so I believed she was just not on Facebook very often, hence not seeing the request. When I went back today, she'd changed her cover photo, meaning she's definitely logged on once since I sent the request. But it still says "Friend Request Sent", meaning that she either hasn't seen the request (even though she'd surely get an alert for it), or she has seen it and just didn't click anything.
While I know it'd hurt to have the request officially ignored, given the implications, it's hurting more to not even know if she's even seen it, or if she even cares. That's fucking with me. I don't like this, not at all. I want clarity and I'm getting none whatsoever. There are a million reasons she may not have accepted the request -- she may not have remembered who I am; she may not have recognised my profile picture/cover photo; she may have not seen the host of the sleepover as a mutual friend -- but I'm always inclined to assume the worst when it comes to these things.
I can understand the whole "you should just move on" thing, but that doesn't work unless you have something (or, in this case, someone) else to move onto. I've been attending uni for two years, and though it is true that I've been pretty socially isolated, I haven't even seen or heard of a girl like this at uni. And even if I do stand-up, the chances of me meeting a girl like this at the UniBar? Practically zero. Though it's true I could meet a girl at the UniBar (or anywhere else at uni) who could blow Violet out of the water in terms of attractiveness and potential compatibility, I haven't met such a girl yet, and until I do, Violet will not be leaving my mind. I know myself too well to deny this.
I don't even know how to describe my feelings for this girl with any word other than 'curiosity'. Though it's true I do like the thought of us being together as a couple, I believe this is because I just like to think of being with somebody, with Violet currently being that somebody. I like the idea of dating and having a girlfriend in general, so the thoughts I'm having now aren't too different than the ones I'd normally have, other than the fact that there's a specific person in the picture now. When it comes to thinking of Violet, what makes me happy more than anything is thinking about us getting to know each other. The thought of the two of us sitting down and just talking to each other. If I'm desperate for anything, it's an opportunity to get to get that knowledge, and for her to get the same knowledge about me. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about her, not anymore; all that comes into my head is "Goddamnit, who are you? What do you do? What do you like?" The idea of getting to be all cutesy and cuddly with her is nice, but the idea of getting to learn about her is ten times more enticing.
I cannot get over the potential I'm seeing here, no matter how much of a façade it could be. Just like the others in the group, Violet and I have so many things in common with one another that I can see us having lots of fun hanging out together. I can see us playing games together, talking about games together, joking around with each other, watching movies and YouTube videos together. To think of giving up on all that seems like squandered potential. But there's no way for me to tell her all this without coming across as weird, obsessive, desperate, and everything else I never want to come across as to this girl.
I've sent a message to my friend who hosted the sleepover about meeting the group again. This isn't just so I can see Violet again -- the group is great to hang with and I'd be thrilled to see them again -- but if Violet happens to come along, I've gotta be calm and not do anything silly. As I've said before, I just wanna treat her like I do everyone else in the group, and get contact details off her if the opportunity presents itself. I can't ask for anymore than that, neither from Violet nor myself.
sigh
Friday, 14 March 2014
Monday, 3 March 2014
Preferences: Maybe That's Not Quite Where I Wanna Be
I've been anxious on-and-off for the past week over meeting the group I had the sleepover with. I want to see them again so badly, but I don't wanna try and organise something right away in case I come off as needy or something. But one cool thing that happened at the sleepover is that I discovered one way I can have lots of fun: I can play video games with friends all night long. I don't think I've ever really stayed up with friends to play Super Smash Bros. before, but when I was there last Saturday, mashing away at those buttons, time flew by. I was happy, I was making jokes, I was winning some rounds, losing other rounds, but it didn't matter--I was fucking happy. I was with people who were like me, people who liked to do the same things I like to do, and that made me experience a whole new level of social comfort.
But my regular group of friends isn't like that, really. I mean, sure, they like video games--I've invited them over to play games plenty of times, and they seem to enjoy it--but would any of them stay up to play/watch games all evening? One or two, maybe, but the others probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't enjoy it as much as this other group did. I'm not trying to say I think less of my friends for this, cos I don't, but I've never had an experience like this before, and I wanna have it again.
And one of my other friends is, like, way off in terms of how she socialises. She's not a gamer, not really. She plays games (I recall her once telling me she beat one of the CoD games on Veteran, which is pretty cool), but she's not into it like I'm into it, no way. She's more into clubbing and stuff like that. And whenever I read about her going out, drinking, dancing, kissing guys, it makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I disagree with what she's doing--she can do whatever the fuck she wants--but part of me wants to like what she does, even though it's not really my kind of environment.
I've never really gone to a club before, and my desire to go has fluctuated. When I first turned 18, I had absolutely no interest in bars or clubs. I was even invited out twice during my first uni semester and I declined; not only would I have been unable to go due to a lack of ID, but I still didn't want to go. When I decided last year that I was gonna be more social and try more things, I became curious about what it'd be like to go to a club, and the idea of getting to mingle with chicks, and maybe kiss/go home with one, was appealing. Slowly but surely, I began to want to go. I was even annoyed when I couldn't go on my friend's 20th birthday (still no ID). I was irritated. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. So I stayed curious, wondering what it'd be like to go inside, to be surrounded by people, to hear that music, for it to be OK (in theory) to approach girls and dance with them.
But when I went to that sleepover, I didn't think about any of that. I was just there, in the moment, having a shitload of fun--the same kind of "I don't want this to ever end" fun that my friend describes when she's clubbing. It made me rethink my position: maybe I don't want to go out like my friend does. It's not like I've felt as though I've been forcing myself to want to go out; the desire was legitimate. I just dunno if I want it anymore.
I think it makes me uncomfortable to read about my friend going out not because I'm not into the clubbing scene, but because the clubbing scene is an avenue to other things I would like, which, in this case, is meeting girls. I know full well I could never really meet a girl to be in a long-term relationship with at a club, and that's what I'd prefer in the long run, but I think it'd be so cool to meet a girl at a club and (somehow :P) successfully flirt with her. I like the idea of losing myself in such a situation, taking the girl home, the two of us kissing and groping and fucking each other, totally giving into temptation and having a wild night together. The idea of flirting with a girl at a club? Scares me shitless. The idea of getting to make out and have sex with a girl? Too much fun to even possibly dismiss. I guess I get envious of my friend putting her self in the position where that can happen to her and not me. But where else can that happen? Not at a sleepover full of nerdy introverts, I can tell ya that much :P
But it doesn't matter that it can't happen there, cos even better things can happen. Like, let's say I went to some other sleepover with some other group of people, and there was a chick there I clicked with. What if we were watching a movie, and we were on the couch, and we were under a blanket together, and we started playing with each other's feet and holding hands under the covers. Then we shuffled closer together and started rubbing each others' arms and legs, just gently touching each other. Then maybe we slide our hands under the other's clothing to touch what we couldn't touch before. Maybe we even play with each other's thingies, get each other off in secret. See that? Same fucking outcome. Maybe not quite as open and wild, and maybe not as likely to happen, either, but I still get to be intimate and sexual with a woman I've just met. It wouldn't have to happen exactly like that, but that's the kind of thing I mean: these social situations which bring me comfort can also provide opportunities to further my sex life, removing the 'need' to go to clubs. There are ways it can happen; I just need to find these methods (and the balls to actually explore them :P).
I might be comfortable at a club if I was with friends, but it would be because my friends were there, not because I was at a club. I also only really have one friend (maybe two) who even go to clubs, so I wouldn't be surrounded by friends so much as I'd have one link to the group which I'd be relying on for comfort. From what my clubbing-friend tells me, people usually go to clubs in groups, so this comfort can be somewhat relied upon; but if I want to meet girls through the experience, especially if I want to get up close and personal with them, I would have to distance myself from the group, flying solo to some extent.
I'm not totally ruling out the idea of going to a club; I'm just saying that it probably won't be a place I thrive in, and that this isn't an issue. It's not like I'd be going to drink, or to 'let loose' (whatever the fuck that is); the only reasons I'd be going to be to a) dance, and b) pick up. That's fucking it: the activity offers nothing else of any value to me whatsoever. And I can dance on my own in my room whenever I like, to music that I can tolerate, without being judged, all for free--so if the only thing I want out of clubbing is pussy, and I can find pussy via other means, clubbing is essentially a complete waste of my time and money.
What I have to accept on an emotional level is that this is perfectly OK! I understand on a logical level that I can have differing interests to my peers and my age bracket. But emotionally, I get annoyed when I don't conform cos it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. That's what irritates me: the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin just cos I like different activities. Thankfully, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with (like this new group), that all goes away, and I can thrive as myself without being overly self-conscious. I hope I can find more people who I can be like this around, and more activities to do with said people, because that will allow me to discover what makes me comfortable and seek out my own comfort independently.
I must also explore this idea of sexy nerd parties where we play games and watch movies while letting hormones run wild. That sounds hot as fuck. I gotta get that shit organised ASAP :P
But my regular group of friends isn't like that, really. I mean, sure, they like video games--I've invited them over to play games plenty of times, and they seem to enjoy it--but would any of them stay up to play/watch games all evening? One or two, maybe, but the others probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't enjoy it as much as this other group did. I'm not trying to say I think less of my friends for this, cos I don't, but I've never had an experience like this before, and I wanna have it again.
And one of my other friends is, like, way off in terms of how she socialises. She's not a gamer, not really. She plays games (I recall her once telling me she beat one of the CoD games on Veteran, which is pretty cool), but she's not into it like I'm into it, no way. She's more into clubbing and stuff like that. And whenever I read about her going out, drinking, dancing, kissing guys, it makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I disagree with what she's doing--she can do whatever the fuck she wants--but part of me wants to like what she does, even though it's not really my kind of environment.
I've never really gone to a club before, and my desire to go has fluctuated. When I first turned 18, I had absolutely no interest in bars or clubs. I was even invited out twice during my first uni semester and I declined; not only would I have been unable to go due to a lack of ID, but I still didn't want to go. When I decided last year that I was gonna be more social and try more things, I became curious about what it'd be like to go to a club, and the idea of getting to mingle with chicks, and maybe kiss/go home with one, was appealing. Slowly but surely, I began to want to go. I was even annoyed when I couldn't go on my friend's 20th birthday (still no ID). I was irritated. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. So I stayed curious, wondering what it'd be like to go inside, to be surrounded by people, to hear that music, for it to be OK (in theory) to approach girls and dance with them.
But when I went to that sleepover, I didn't think about any of that. I was just there, in the moment, having a shitload of fun--the same kind of "I don't want this to ever end" fun that my friend describes when she's clubbing. It made me rethink my position: maybe I don't want to go out like my friend does. It's not like I've felt as though I've been forcing myself to want to go out; the desire was legitimate. I just dunno if I want it anymore.
I think it makes me uncomfortable to read about my friend going out not because I'm not into the clubbing scene, but because the clubbing scene is an avenue to other things I would like, which, in this case, is meeting girls. I know full well I could never really meet a girl to be in a long-term relationship with at a club, and that's what I'd prefer in the long run, but I think it'd be so cool to meet a girl at a club and (somehow :P) successfully flirt with her. I like the idea of losing myself in such a situation, taking the girl home, the two of us kissing and groping and fucking each other, totally giving into temptation and having a wild night together. The idea of flirting with a girl at a club? Scares me shitless. The idea of getting to make out and have sex with a girl? Too much fun to even possibly dismiss. I guess I get envious of my friend putting her self in the position where that can happen to her and not me. But where else can that happen? Not at a sleepover full of nerdy introverts, I can tell ya that much :P
But it doesn't matter that it can't happen there, cos even better things can happen. Like, let's say I went to some other sleepover with some other group of people, and there was a chick there I clicked with. What if we were watching a movie, and we were on the couch, and we were under a blanket together, and we started playing with each other's feet and holding hands under the covers. Then we shuffled closer together and started rubbing each others' arms and legs, just gently touching each other. Then maybe we slide our hands under the other's clothing to touch what we couldn't touch before. Maybe we even play with each other's thingies, get each other off in secret. See that? Same fucking outcome. Maybe not quite as open and wild, and maybe not as likely to happen, either, but I still get to be intimate and sexual with a woman I've just met. It wouldn't have to happen exactly like that, but that's the kind of thing I mean: these social situations which bring me comfort can also provide opportunities to further my sex life, removing the 'need' to go to clubs. There are ways it can happen; I just need to find these methods (and the balls to actually explore them :P).
I might be comfortable at a club if I was with friends, but it would be because my friends were there, not because I was at a club. I also only really have one friend (maybe two) who even go to clubs, so I wouldn't be surrounded by friends so much as I'd have one link to the group which I'd be relying on for comfort. From what my clubbing-friend tells me, people usually go to clubs in groups, so this comfort can be somewhat relied upon; but if I want to meet girls through the experience, especially if I want to get up close and personal with them, I would have to distance myself from the group, flying solo to some extent.
I'm not totally ruling out the idea of going to a club; I'm just saying that it probably won't be a place I thrive in, and that this isn't an issue. It's not like I'd be going to drink, or to 'let loose' (whatever the fuck that is); the only reasons I'd be going to be to a) dance, and b) pick up. That's fucking it: the activity offers nothing else of any value to me whatsoever. And I can dance on my own in my room whenever I like, to music that I can tolerate, without being judged, all for free--so if the only thing I want out of clubbing is pussy, and I can find pussy via other means, clubbing is essentially a complete waste of my time and money.
What I have to accept on an emotional level is that this is perfectly OK! I understand on a logical level that I can have differing interests to my peers and my age bracket. But emotionally, I get annoyed when I don't conform cos it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. That's what irritates me: the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin just cos I like different activities. Thankfully, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with (like this new group), that all goes away, and I can thrive as myself without being overly self-conscious. I hope I can find more people who I can be like this around, and more activities to do with said people, because that will allow me to discover what makes me comfortable and seek out my own comfort independently.
I must also explore this idea of sexy nerd parties where we play games and watch movies while letting hormones run wild. That sounds hot as fuck. I gotta get that shit organised ASAP :P
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