Confusion: When Will These Birds Piss Off!?

Yeah... here I go about my fancy again :P Considering I saw her no more than 24 hours ago, however, it seems almost appropriate. As for this week's evidence as to this attraction being not as unrequited as it could be, let us delve: my arrival at the writing session was met with another direct greeting from her. That's the same thing done twice. Consistency is a good sign, no? The real catcher for me was actually a silent pair of moments: eye contact. Eye contact! Yes, it only lasted a few seconds, and yes, it may have been (a.k.a was probably :P) coincidental, but everything must be taken in to account here. I find this girl unusual in her reactions to my "noticing" of her seeming habits - I look back to when I used to ogle a girl I liked during class time, more specifically the instances of turning my head straight away if I even thought she was going to catch me staring. This girl didn't budge! If my eyes met the girl in the previous scenario, I'd do the ol' "stare at the ground in front of you to make it look like you're thinking about something really hard" look; it's a skill I've since mastered :P On the other hand, this girl just... keeps looking! Is she slow? Is her reaction time impaired? Was she looking at someone else? I could have sworn!

What's even more confusing is how I'm acting - and, if I'm acting, I'm not being myself, which is no help at all considering the circumstances :P As I said, she didn't even blink or bat her (lovely :D) eyelids in either occurrence. Guess who did: me! My eyes wander; they're adventurous bastards, always looking for more. I make a sustained effort to not lock my sockets on my fancy; an effort that stems from the basic logic that she'll get creeped right the fuck out if she sees me staring her down :P I get the odd glimpse here and there, but nothing lasting longer than a second or so - the clips can be joined later during editing. On both occasions where our eyes met, it was I who made the unintentional look, and I who looked away first! What the fuck is up with that!? Is she mesmerised by me or something!? That doesn't make sense - I'm ugly! I'm the ugliest motherfucker in the room! I'm mesmerised by her, but that's understandable because she's attractive! How ironic: the beautiful woman is intentionally ignored by the lazy slob, while the lazy slob is secretly admired by the beautiful woman... an ironic theory at the very least :P

The real confusion was only to begin after the session was over, as I decided to walk with this girl for a while, as we travel in the same direction for a kilometre or so before heading our separate ways - you don't need a secret GPS chip when you can simply trail behind 50 metres or so and take mental notes. The previous week, she walked with one other person -- another girl -- which would have been perfect seeing as there's someone she's already friends with there to help the social vibe along; I wouldn't have had to do anything but join in! It doesn't work so well, however, when there are two girls accompanying the lady on her way home! We all know women are powerful beings on their own, but by God do they become something else as a team! Once they start, they will never ever ever stop talking until they disband! If you're a guy tagging along with them, you're just along for the ride, and it's not a fun ride :P It's impossible to get a word in, seeing as not only do they persistently talk and leave no room for you to speak, but the subject manner changes at such a pace so that the moment you do think of something to say, it's irrelevant!

This is why I need contact details: to cut the other misfits out of the goddamned picture and get some quality one-on-one time with this girl! I don't give a fuck about the means of communication, nor do I give a fuck about what we talk about; I just want some conversation! The butterflies have taken my stomach hostage, and they demand some vigorous and enthralling communication or they ain't goin' nowhere! That's the thing, though: how do I get contact details without fucking everything up and giving myself away!? I can't just ask straight out of the blue -- that's a recipe for disaster, especially with the other two girls around -- but when can I ask? This is the sort of shit one normally does when they first meet someone, not months and months later! The thing is, that if she does like me... she's probably thinking the same thing, and waiting for me to make the first move! Perhaps I'll just have to wait and hope for the perfect opportunity to arise where asking will fit the mood and won't be awkward...

... these butterflies look impatient though... especially that one...

Value: Your Mileage May Vary

Awhile back, I wrote about how most (male) teens don't know what a "friend" is. I stand behind that - they're fucking clueless on the subject :P Having said that, however, it's not just friendship for which the street definition varies between demographics. This is a frequent encounter of mine (and probably yours too) in the consumer world: you've probably been browsing in a store or through some form of media, to stumble upon something with a sticker price you internally define as "way too expensive!" or "a fucking bargain!" I find this quite puzzling, because currency is supposed to define value, yet we have different perceptions about how much value said currency actually has! The company defines a product's monetary value, but you will go right ahead and define its value again using an internal measurement system based on what this product can do for you as a customer.

In this world of rapidly advancing technology, it takes a fuckload to drop our jaws to the ground in awe. 50 years ago, television was broadcast without colour; no colours! None! You'd smack your TV silly if the shit you watch came up in black and white, irrespective of whether or not the program you're watching was originally filmed in black and white (and, chances are, if it was filmed in black and white, you ain't watching what I'd call "shit" :P) That feature of media has lost its value because it's commonplace, with its position as the standard removing its former luster in television's history. Today, if it isn't a widescreen, hi-def, 3D flat-panel with built in DVD and PVR, it ain't worth taking home. I remember having a tiny CRT TV in my room with only one speaker - and hence only one audio input - and how much of a luxury it was to take my PS2 to the other TV in our house: the one with two speakers! I could plug the white pin and the red pin in to the AV input! Holy shit! Today, a 32" 1080p LCD TV with a built in digital tuner and 4 HDMI inputs sits in my bedroom, and if you've ever played a PS2 on both a CRT and a flat panel, you'll know just what "better" technology does to a system not built for the screen you're playing it on :P

As I was saying before, however, this same lack of consistency exists in the social world in abundance.What most teens consider to a friend I consider an acquaintance, but even then, I value friends a lot more than most people simply because I don't have many. I'm not even sure if I the amount of people I even know is on par with the amount of friends my friends have. Who I consider to be my best friend may, in fact, be my only friend at this point - at least the only one I know in real life - and there aren't too many people I maintain regular contact with over the internet either, irrespective of their demographic. A few days back, the best friend I mentioned earlier went with me to see a movie, which got me thinking about the last time someone who wasn't my (ex :P) girlfriend invited me anywhere... and I actually failed to recall that information! I could not remember the last social outing I went on! This friend of mine probably goes out with his friends at least one a week, and I actually have trouble remembering my previous activity! As he was using his phone to browse the internet, he asked "don't you hate it when your signal drops out randomly while browsing like that?" My phone has never dropped out while browsing because my phone can't browse the Internet :P Why buy something I'm not going to use! I seldom go out, so I see no reason to replace my 5 year old handset. It probably doesn't even know what the Internet is.

Going a bit further back, I recall going to a relative's 18th and seeing just how many friends this motherfucker had in the house at the same time! I've never seen this many people this age before outside an educational context in my life, yet he probably considers this to be the norm! I was there only by blood, not by mateship... was there even a point to me being there? I don't drink alcohol and I don't talk unless I'm comfortable... which in this case means being pissed out of your head :P I considered it a waste of my time as I sat there playing Tetris, even though that's what I would have been doing anyway :P I don't think I value time at all, seeing as I waste so much of it. I value friends more than anything in this world, yet I think social activity is worthless... doesn't quite add up, does it? I look down on partying as a meaningless excuse for celebrating Western excess and group inebriation, yet I've never been to a party and hence am completely unfamiliar with the atmosphere. Even the girl that I've been talking about, the one that I'm liking so much, is (according to what I've heard) a socialite! If something sparks between us, shit's gonna hit the fan - my fan. I'm just far more comfortable in front of a screen with some buttons to press, where I treasure the things I value: games, writing, comedy and solitude.

I suppose 2 is my perfect number: only one other person to interact with. They're all yours, and you're all theirs. Their status as a friend, chum, pal, colleague, or my other half doesn't matter to me - so long as we're having a good time, who cares? Another one or two people is sometimes nice - especially with a controller for each one :P - but that one-on-one scenario comes with the most contact and the least interference. Having said that, though, there's that wild feeling you get when you're around what you determine as "a lot of people." Being a performer, I guess having hundreds of people around me is only an issue if I'm among them :P I love getting up in front of crowds and being a funny bastard, but only if I'm given the floor, otherwise it's just daunting, not to mention the fact that it would make me look like a total arsehole. There's something else I value highly: stage time, once again because I hardly get any :P Perhaps I have to chase these things I value so highly, but how do I go about it? Do I raise my internal value of the things I love to give me more incentive, or do I lower their value to make them seem not so far away?

... crap... more questions I can't answer.

Answers: I Can Has?

Well well well, if it isn't... Tuesday. Time for that heart filled entry about how I don't know what the fuck is going on! My attraction to this fancy of mine has now reached a whole new level of complexity due to my over-analysis of the situation; it just gets worse and worse and worse with each encounter. You sit there wanting to pour your heart and soul on to the table for her to see, so everything can be cleared up and you can get a straight "yes" or "no" answer to that all important question, but nothing compels you to do it! Then you begin to question everything... again! "Do I really like her?" "Is she really the one for me?" "Was I just fooling myself all this time?" And you're a practical guy, so whaddaya do? You try to answer these questions! Here are three questions you're never gonna answer by yourself, but you'll try! You'll go all night pondering these puppies! You fool yourself in to thinking you'll get more information... but all you just end up with more questions! "Well, if she is the one for me, why am I stalling?" "If she liked me, surely she would have said so by now... right?" "Maybe she's taken! Is it even right to disturb her potential bliss?"

I think I'm used to her look now, so that initial physical thrill has worn off for the most part. Don't get me wrong: I could look at her for so much as a second and lose track of time, but that ":O there she is! She looks so good! Wow! Holy crap! WOAH! :D" sensation isn't anywhere near as potent. I don't know if that means my maturity is kicking in and looking for substance - which I definitely want to find - or if my penis is broken :P Poor bastard: he has to live off a video feed from up top... little bugger won't be seeing the flesh of another any time soon, as much as I'd love for him to meet my fancy in person :P What we need is conversation: words going to and fro; a verbal tennis match; anything, damn it! Anything! It's impossible to get a word in under the circumstances and it kills me! I find myself wanting to manipulate a task to my own bent desire by explaining everything through scripted drama and reading it aloud just so she can get informed! Hey, I've done it before: I once used an English speech to tell 30 people about a girl I'd liked for years. You think orgasms feel nice? It's nothing like the release I had, nothing. I got nearly perfect marks too, purely for the shock value :D

This is the problem with liking someone in an educational setting: there's no time for chit chat! Not a fucking second is there to be "wasted." God forbid I meet someone who I can spend (at least part of) my future with and therefore have incentive to prepare for said future! I know the process here and I can't progress without verbal interaction, simply because I've got all I'm gonna get staring at her; it's a fun but ultimately pointless exercise in determination to see how long you can look at someone before they notice :P I need data to process! Real, genuine data, not that vague shit one can contemplate for hours on end; I have enough of that as it stands! Like this, for instance: you know how in a class, when everyone is going to present their work one at a time, sometimes no one wants to go first? Then the awkward silence kicks in as everyone waits for someone else to break it... it happens when no one is truly proud of their work and no one is willing to be the first one to fail. Anyway, it's silent for a moment... then out of nowhere, my fancy addresses me by name and asks me to go first! That's a sign of something, damn it!

Let's do some math: over the course of a few weeks, this girl has said hello to me, complimented my (shitty) handwriting for no apparent reason, and is seemingly interested in my writing... a careful plot, or a mere coincidence? Her choice, or her character? ... ... I got nothin'! It's too open! I now need to examine her mind... to pick at it and survey the landscape. And, as much as I need her to talk to me, I also need to talk to her, to see if her potential interest remains, grows or dwindles after contact. So long as I don't talk about how many games I've beaten or my Minesweeper remake, it should be OK; that shit can come later :P Methinks she isn't the type to play those kinds of games, for all I've seen her play so far are mind games, and fuck me, she is good at them. A good 10-15 minutes of talkity-talk will do endless good.

Now I've just gotta find a spare 10-15 minutes lying around somewhere...

> . >

< . <

Egotism: Drop It

Let's face it: people are arseholes. There exists not a soul out there who isn't out for self; all we have are those people who make a strong effort to ditch their inner arsehole. The internet is, at times, little more than a tool people can use to shovel shit on an international scale. We all think we're better, we all think we're stronger, and we all think we're entitled to more and more; I think we've got a problem here. You can probably think of multiple instances where you have either been subjected to blatant vanity, or have been the vain one yourself. We see superiority when we see something different to what we are, have, or believe in, as we instantly focus on the (supposed) positives of our own ways while emphasising the negatives of whatever the other person is, has or thinks. It's this kind of selective and exclusionary thinking that abuses the exposition as a form of expression, because we only pick what will support our case rather than what will support, simply, a resolution. We think the goal of arguing is to prove that we're right, not that someone is right, and when people don't back down when they're beat, that's when all hell breaks loose.

This has been going on since humanity started: one group thinks and acts one way, another group thinks and acts another way, then both groups set up armies, meet in the middle and try to wipe each other out. You just have to look to Iraq, Afghanistan, Egypt, Tunisia, Yemen, Israel & Palestine, advertising, celebrities and the school yard to see this in practise. The country I live in wouldn't exist as it does if the British hadn't have thought so highly of themselves! The only reason they're here is because they ran out of room in their own country to store prisoners - if you stole so much as a loaf of bread, and you were caught, that was yo' ass - and so they stole procured an entire continent to deal with the overreaction decline of human morals in their country. The indigenous peoples of this country had been here for about 50,000 years before colonisation, and the British ran in to and killed plenty as they developed this country in to what it is today, under the reasoning that the land was "terra nullius," or the "land of no one." That, ladies and gentlemen, is pure and unadulterated egotism: "we think we're better than you, so much so that we don't think you qualify as human. We're now going to do with your land what we please. Cheerio!"

The internet is, of course, full of it too. Just today, I was reading my YouTube comments and came across an astoundingly pompous individual who commented on the Windows: LBP Edition video I uploaded at the end of last year. This is one of the most viewed, if not the most viewed, recording of a LittleBigPlanet 2 BETA level, and for good reason: it shocked people with just how far people were taking the level editor. See, I'm just as bad: I just had to mention that it's the "most viewed" video, rather than just saying it got lots of views (which, after looking at the hit count for my other videos, is true :P) As I was saying, it got lots of attention, and with that attention came a lot of praise. People were spreading it because they thought it was good and that others should see it; it was a technical achievement no on saw coming. Then this guy comes along and says "Not actually that amazing!" going on to describe an e-mail system he supposedly made in the original LittleBigPlanet. In a 2nd comment, he took what he said back (which is pathetic in itself,) but claimed that in a few months, he "shall be your competitor!" "your" referring to the authors of the level.

... what is this I don't even... seriously, what the fuck? It's LittleBigPlanet! You make levels... for fun... to share! Why is this douche turning it in to a competition? I mean, he was outdone for starters: creating an e-mail system is nothing compared to creating an entire operating system! E-mail systems go inside operating systems; his level would have been a mere feature in the acclaimed creation! But, to then go ahead and say "I'll fight you!" in an aspect of the game that has no outright competitive purpose is ridiculous! It doesn't surprise me after looking at the username, though: it had "1999" on the end, which means I can safely assume he's only 11-12 years old, and 11-12 year-olds are really, really big arseholes simply by nature. I saw some other kid claiming he cleared Chimpanzee's "Pegged" level with 3 balls remaining... and? What do I care? What does anyone care?

Sometimes, you have to be egotistical! It's part of the task at hand! Writing a resume or CV is the perfect example: how do you write one without being a totally self important twat? You can't! The whole point of a CV or resume is to make yourself look better than all the other people writing CV's and resumes! You're advertising yourself, slowly becoming nothing more than a product that can write its achievements on paper. It's hard to write them, too! For some reason, when you go to write one... you stop being an arsehole! You actually stop to consider the other four or five poor bastards whose livelihoods and families you could destroy by going through with this! It's the worst time for it to happen. Sometimes other people are egotistical for you! They announce something "wonderful" or "terrific" that you've done and make you look like an even bigger arsehole! And, if it's in the workplace, you've already had to show your CV or resume, and now they've been told this! Now, you're the biggest arsehole in the building!

Yeah... we're just a big bunch of arseholes... it's the ones with their pants down that get to me :P

Oligarchy: Go Fuck Yourself

Being part of an education system means being subjected to a seemingly endless tirade of dictation and exertion, especially in those final few years. It’s not the worst place one can be, but it’s far from any environment I’d seek refuge in. Some schools are more laid back than others, being paradise compared to the prisons that exist only a few kilometres afar, but the schooling system is all being levelled out so that no matter where you go to school, you will have the same freedom as everyone else: almost none. There is a program being undertaken in our state (perhaps our entire country) to build fences around anything labelled a “school.” I’m not talking fences that mark borders or make it clear to a child where the boundaries are, because those fences already exist. I’m talking about the 10ft high variety you would typically fashion around a penitentiary, and though they may not be as electric as those surrounding inmates, they’re just as confining and symbolic. My school already has buildings painted in a dull, uninspiring shade of grey, hundreds of students wearing uniforms, and even bars on the back of particular windows; does my school need to look any more like a fucking prison? Why don’t they make chains and shackles part of the dress code too while they’re at it?

This, however, is one of the more overt manners in which the government exercises their power, and to some degree, it makes sense. Primary school children, for instance, can easily hop over some of the fences I had around my primary school, chase their ball on to the road, get hit by a four wheel drive and end up 20 metres down the road. I don’t 100% agree with such over-protectionism, but I can at least understand the justification. I go to a school where there’s a student parking lot; we have the mental ability to drive cars, but not to cross the road without being hit? That doesn’t add up, at all. And don’t try to con me in to thinking they put the fence up to protect the school’s property; the school has no property worth protecting (and no, the students are not the school’s property :P) There are a million and one ways in which the state exercises power over its subjects, and that is just one of them.

If school is a prison, then the teachers are the guards, and the principal is the warden.  Their job is not just to teach, but to discipline. The issue here is that you are disciplined for doing “wrong” where what is “wrong” is dictated by the warden; their prison, their rules. For example, the principal is the one who determines when we are supposed to be studying. In a school, studying means learning what the teachers are trying to teach you, not the more general form you’ll find in the dictionary. As a writer, I use a lot of the “study time” we have to write things that have sweet fuck all to do with what teachers are shovelling down my throat, which means I am breaking the rules… but what if I want to become a writer? Surely, my writing is doing far more for my future than the study of other subject matter ever will. I am evidently not shaken by my school’s doublespeak :P

So, how is anyone else persuaded to follow the order of the day? Simple: fear. That’s how any power structure works: the higher-ups manipulate the world below them to put the commoners in a position where they have something to lose. They give them just enough to fuss over, but not enough to contain that fuss. In this case, fears of a “bad future” (which, according to these motherfuckers, is “not having a piece of paper that says you’re good at something” >.>) are what lead people to do what they’re told; they believe it’s in their best interests. I believe it’s in my best interest to fuck these people over and use their resources for my own personal gain.

This is where the discipline comes in: more than ever before, your student record has an effect on your employment prospects. If you’re the goody two shoes who never steps out of line, eats an apple every day, and consistently scores high in exams (A.K.A if you’ve submitted to the pressures of the system and have lost the will to think for yourself – there’s two ways to look at everything :P) you’ve got a “good” future ahead of you. When I say “good,” I really mean “comfortable.” Things won’t go wrong for you, at least hypothetically; you’ve got certificates and qualifications a mile high to fall back on. You’ll meet the perfect partner, have 2 children, buy a house in suburbia and live a life numb to challenge and real discourse. That’s why you listen when that teacher says “Have you got work to do?” The answer is never “No”, but the real question is “How will this doing this work help me in the future?” Talk back to any motherfucker who abuses their position to patronise you. If they say talking back is “wrong,” that means discussion is “wrong,” and that just ain’t right.

If you want to rebel, then go right ahead! So long as you’re willing to accept liability for your actions, you can do anything. It’s finding the right way to protest where the challenge lies. You have to be different to stand out, but sometimes, the simplest method is the best one. Demand justification for anything you don’t understand. Some teacher gives you shit? Throw it back at ‘em! Use your intellect to psyche them out; it may take a bit of preparation beforehand, but it’s the best way to go about it. Learning about language and how to manipulate it in order to get a response is one of the smartest things you can do if you want to fight someone. Your fists will get you nowhere, as will unexpressed thought. The school system is just opening doors for you; jump out a window and have some fun! If you think curricular study will give you a good life, then keep that up; loving school is, by chance, a far better attitude to have if you want or need the system to get somewhere or something. But, if you hate your school and its attitude, and can explain your reasoning, then get up and say something.

Fuck with the system; it’s not there to be fucked with, but it does happen to be very fuckable :P

Revenge: A Dish Best Served with a Side Order of Concrete

Having been through the vast majority of my school life, I've gotten through relatively unscathed, at least as far as bullying and attacks are concerned. I've never been beaten in my life; I've been smacked a few times for not going to bed on time, but who hasn't :P My arse-whoopings are nothing compared to some I've seen and heard about. I have, however, been a victim of bullying in my early school life. I recall very vividly one incident where my food was stolen and thrown in a toilet. Needless to say, that shit's fucked up :P To make it even worse (even though it went over my head at the time) I'm fairly sure the kid who told me my food had been thrown in a toilet was the one who did it; I'd had no previous contact with him, so how else was he to know I was the owner of the food was unless he'd seen me with it? The fact that he was evidently a few years up from me (well, in school years, anyway; I'd have beaten the shit out of him in terms of mental capacity :P) contributes to the theory, but unfortunately, that's what it will forever remain... until some Back to the Future fan takes things way too far :P

Then you get shit like this:



Irrespective of what your opinion is as to what happened, let's look at this in an objective manner: Kid A was pissing Kid B off for a considerable amount of time. Kid B reached his breaking point, picked Kid A up and threw him face first in to a slab of concrete. This is just to separate the facts from the reporting; if I'm not mistaken, Ten News failed to show any responses openly panning Kid B's retaliation. This is unusual because that could mean they're trying to promote fighting back, even though I expect our media outlets to (subversively) promote submission out of self interest. Speaking of self-interest, Channel Ten sure did make the Education Minister look like one dumb motherfucker; schools are not one of the safest parts of our community, whether this kid got thrown or not. May I remind you that Channel Ten leans towards the conservative political agenda in this country, and the Education Minister is from the other side of the political spectrum, so she could have actually said more relevant shit that was worth broadcasting only to fall victim to subvert corporate slander. Or, maybe the editor's just a damned good troll :P

Seriously though, how can you trust a bunch of uneducated and emotionally sensitive human beings to make a safe environment? You don't just learn how to spell and count in school; you also learn how to deal with people who are fucking you around, and what you saw is just one of many methods available. What's amazing is that after further reading on the subject, the kid who was throwing the punches was in Year 7 (12-13 years old,) and the kid who was throwing the kid who was throwing the punches was in Year 10 (15-16 years old!) Hopefully the sevvie learned not to fuck with people twice his size unless he wanted to become a projectile in motion :P It reminds me of the bullfighting they do in Spain; you taunt that bull for long enough, and it will come at you with enough force to send each half of your body to different sides of the arena.

As far as I'm concerned, the younger kid got what was coming to him. I'm all for ironic punishment like that. Yes, some may see it as the victim being "no better than the offender," but there's no quicker way to make someone realise what you put them through by putting them through that same pain. Fuck that kid; he's just another unintelligent, unenlightened and undeserving stigma in our already polluted education system. Seriously, someone should take a mathematics textbook and shove it right up his arse. Use one of the senior text books; they're thicker, much thicker :P Use him as a pinata at the next school expo. Use him as a crash test dummy for driver education. Use him like he used his victim to cover up his own insecurities. I'd love to run up in to his school with a few chums armed with baseball bats, and just chase him, just to scare the shit out of him. A kid in high school has been around long enough to have the decency not to engage in senseless violent activity, so most of the responsibility lays on him here.

But, although I can't be certain, not all of it may. The sevvie's parents want the Year 10 kid to apologise! What the fuck for!? Your kid was punching him in the face and treating him like dog-shit for an extended period of time... he picked your kid up and threw him to the ground... seems about even to me! It's too late for apologies anyway, from both sides. Move on, you stupid motherfuckers! Be thankful that your children went through this at a stage in their life when their learning ability is still high and they could appreciate the lesson they've learned, instead of getting beaten by a gang when they're in their 30s and committing suicide. The parents could just be looking to get the blame off their backs, perhaps because they know how poorly they've raised this son of theirs and that their actions are actually the reasoning behind all this. Either stay out of it, or cop some of the blame; looking for retribution in an issue you aren't part of is just sad. The same could be said for the parents of the older kid too; he should know not to do what he did, but he fuckin' did it anyway! At least they aren't asking for compensation they don't deserve.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some baseball bats to acquire.

Perversion: The Drug That Keeps on Giving

Being the age I am, certain mindsets tend to take control at times. For a number of years now, I have been somewhat obsessed with the physical nature of women; no more obsessed than any other man, but still curious to such a degree that I find myself thinking about the feminine physique far too often. Of course, I’m not looking for an answer as much as I’m looking for more questions: “what does that part of her look/feel/taste like?” I’ve come to realise that sometimes I’m just one sick motherfucker :P In a monologue I wrote recently, I directly implied that my character wanted to suck the nipples of the girl he desired… where the fuck did that idea come from? My own fantasy!? I don’t remember fantasising about that! That’s messed up, man! What’s worse is that I then turned that joke in to the punch-line! I don’t think lust or sex (or anything else) is off limits to the word, written or spoken, but I have to question my inspiration for that particular set of lines :P I was pissing myself laughing at the possible effect those lines could have on an audience; call me arrogant, but if I don’t think the jokes are funny, who will? Confidence in one’s material is key for a comedian; for any writer or performer. But, at the same time, I was also perplexed by just what gave me that idea.

I’ve spent way more time liking girls than I’ve spent actually being with them. I’m not sure if that’s the case for most guys, but that’s the case for me. The thrill of the chase is half the fun, and half the time you’re chasing your own brain trying to get it to stop pondering the subject! “Does she like me back? Does she even like me at all? Does she even like guys? Does she even like people? What if she doesn’t like me back? What if she doesn’t like me at all? What if she doesn’t like guys? What if she doesn’t like people?” These answers won’t come about when all you’re doing is looking at her shapely figure! That’s all you’ve got to go off so far; you don’t have any useful information yet! Perhaps this is why there were (and certainly still are) men who see women as objects; they see a woman’s body as mere advertising, and their “duties” as their function. Is your woman misbehaving dysfunctional? Get a new one! We’re shallow people, us men. We go straight off what we see, but that’s the first thing we get a glimpse at: her body! I like to see it as just one of the ways to begin to discover someone, whilst understanding that there’s a fuckload more to a woman than her humps.

Having had a girlfriend, hence having at least some experience in this area of life, the first step with this new fancy of mine is determining whether there is any substance behind the attraction. Before I met my girlfriend, there was nothing but physical desire shaping my draw to girls; that’s puberty for you :P Been there, done that, and I ain’t going back, not even for fun in the sack. Upon meeting my girlfriend, however, and learning about whom she was and the things she liked, then going back and comparing them to the things I liked, it just clicked! There was now genuine backing behind the magnetism, and so it could be further explored for a substantial purpose rather than just for tail! Being back at square one (or square two, if finding a girl is the first step – the steps vary between geometrics :P) means that entire process must occur again. As much as I want to find out more about this girl so I can start to think about the next course of action, is it because I want to chew her brain, or eat her out? I suppose at this point, I want one thing to lead to another :P …shouldn’t have used that emoticon…

Having said that though, what do you do right after you see? You hear, of course! What a girl says is what provides you with the information necessary to make an informed decision as to whether or not the pursuit should continue. The problem is that normally, I see this girl each at a scriptwriting workshop I attend for only 2 hours, for which 0% of the time is spent socialising. I can only speak or listen to this girl before and after the session. Having heard this girl speak only a few times, she seems like a genuinely kind person, but I’ve also heard that she’s outgoing and a bit of a talker, so at this point I know that she’s somewhere between “naïve tenderfoot” and “total bitch;” I suppose I need more information, and in the absence of information, I over-analyse what little information I already have. For example, I missed a session due to my recent illness. When I went back the next week, she greeted me with a big smile on her face and asked me how I was, yet we don’t speak very often and she doesn’t know me that well. That kind of vague shit is exactly the kind of thing one can go nuts trying to figure out! “She said hello and asked me how I was… does that mean she likes me? Does that mean that she’s interested in me as a person, in my condition, in my status? Or was she just being polite? Surely, if she liked me, she would have continued conversation after she greeted me… or perhaps she’s feeling the same way and is too scared to do so! Maybe she’s just the type of person who says hello to everyone. Maybe she’s just an incredibly hot alien from out of space!” If left to my own devices, this can go on for weeks at a time.

After seeing her today though, I feel that all this has at least some potential to blossom. Rather than thinking of her lovely lady parts, this time I was drawn by the seemingly bottomless depths of beauty that are her eyes. My God, they are pretty! It must be something about the colour green blue (they look so similar, seriously :P) that fucks my head right up. It seems a bit ridiculous though; what the hell am I looking her eyes for anyway!? Do I want to give myself away? For fuck’s sake, even if she’s not looking at me, she can probably still see me looking straight at her out the corner of those same eyes I’m looking in to! I’d make a shitty covert-ops agent, man. Then again, my previous fancies have given me two and a half years of ogling skill- oh, there I go again. See? I can’t help myself. Having said that though, I now have expressions with even less clarity to deconstruct. Get this: she said my handwriting was “arty.” …what? My handwriting is what? My handwriting is messy and borderline illegible, not arty! Shit, I can barely read it at the best of times. How’s that for irony, huh? This is the sort of nonsense you spout when you’re… talking to someone you like! Take it from someone who knows: you say some crazy shit when your heart is racing and your mind is fleeting. I could be (and probably am :P) reading too far in to it, but it’s interesting to analyse nonetheless.

In spite of all this confusion (which I sincerely apologise for… seriously :P) the clincher for me is the how radiant I was for those few hours. In that room, I’d never felt more comfortable to speak; to be myself. I was making cracks left, right and centre, and people were laughing! That’s my natural style: to fuck around! And I was fucking around and around and around!  Once she was out of my sight, my face lit up. After two hours of holding it back, I’m walking the streets with this monstrous grin on my face, the kind you don’t need a mirror to check up on. I was happy! What I was saying before about depression works: just think about good shit, and the bad shit disappears! It’s the same feeling I had before I broke up, but now magnified due to its previous absence! There’s nothing like that unexplainable visceral sentiment that fills one’s system when they see who they think to be the greatest person in the world for reasons they can’t explain: the undisputed king of emotions, in my books. All you’re thinking about is her as she smiles and talks with you in hypothetical bliss.

Oh, and before I forget… can one of the more experienced readers tell me just what a vagina tastes like? I wanna know before I start making requests :P

Children: There Is No Solution

I like to think of myself as a tolerant person. I want to think I'm the sorta guy that doesn't go off at someone for being different due to circumstances they have no control over. Children fall straight in to this category, no questions asked, but I always find myself referring to people even as old as 16 and 17 as children, in thinking and writing, and sometimes when speaking. Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking: "we're all somebody's children, Ratchet!" No shit :P To look at it that way means that all actions are childish actions, all actors are child actors, children's television is aimed at everyone and to not have the mind of a child is to not have a mind at all. "Childhood" is a stage of human development, so for my purposes, let's define a child as someone going through that stage of development and leave it at that. Smart-arses :P

Even then, however, the issues surrounding how old one must be to bear the title of "child" and exactly where the borders for "childhood" are still stand. I think we can all agree that in this context, it's somewhere between being born and turning 18, but there are definitions that state childhood as being "somewhere between birth and puberty," as being "before maturity," among other things. It's a hard matter to define in such a concrete manner, which is why I always stall after I refer to myself as a child, because I'm on the brink of adulthood, yet automatically refer to myself as a "child." I can be such a condescending bastard to myself sometimes... I'm so cruel :P

Today, however, I want to talk about a particular group of children, for which I will define general age limits among other traits. Today, I want to talk about your typical 10-15 year old poorly raised, self-centered, arrogant prick; the type who thinks he'll get anything he asks for with his crackly voice or his depraved spelling, as he proceeds to molest his vocal cords or finger-rape a keyboard/keypad/anything other input device he can get his greasy mitts on. Yes, I'm talking about teenage boys; teenage girls are a whole other matter, and I think about them in a very, very different way never ever think about them at all in any way, shape or form. The undeveloped male mind is the focus here, as will be how much I motherfucking hate it.

Of course, I was, at one point in my life, hypothetically thinking the same way, and I suppose it's a phase all boys go through, but I can assure you that I never acted the way I see these people acting online... ever. I know that at one point, you just don't know this stuff, and you have to learn it, but I graduated from Grace School when I was fucking five. Are Western parents that busy complaining about their children that they can't teach them basic manners anymore? That must be where they get it from :P The behaviour is surprising as much as it is predictable.

First off, I look to Facebook, YouTube, and the social aspects of Xbox Live and the PlayStation Network to see just how fucked up one's concept of a "friend" can get. To me, a friend is someone I share things with; someone I enjoy being around; someone I've developed a relationship with. We call this relationship... friendship. To these fuckers, a friend is someone on your "Friends List." It isn't a list of your friends; it's a list of people who clicked "Yes" or "Add" or "Accept" or some other button when asked if they wanted to be added to a list! How does such an simple act constitute friendship? These people probably know fuck all about 80% of their so called friends. There are people with 300, 400, even 500 "friends" in these lists! 500 friends!? Bullshit! You probably don't even have 500 active brain cells, you little twerp! Shit, I can count the number of friends I have (digital or tangible :P) on my hands! You call it "lol u have no life xD" (loosely translated in this context as "unpopularity") whereas I call it the truth, one these people simply cannot accept.

The funny thing is that I have these same morons asking me to be their friends via the PSN. You know, those ridiculous messages you get sometimes: "hey lol it's me [whatever their YouTube ID is] from utube i saw ur vids and i want to be ur freind accept plz." Even if this person put a gun up against my skull after showing to me the process of loading it with real bullets, and cocking it, ready to fire, I still wouldn't add him to any friends or buddy list of any kind, not only because this person is clearly a fuckwit and not worth my time nor my attention, but because generally these children don't know how to load guns properly. Just because that's how they do it in CoD doesn't mean that's how you do it in a car before you run in to your school and "start the game" :P

It's when you turn them down (in as neutral a manner as possible, as to try and avoid this ridiculous discourse, pretending such a feat is possible :P) that the real fun starts. The homophobia is always first on the agenda: "whatevr u fagget." Rejecting a friend request and liking people of the same sex have nothing to do with each other. Do us all a favour and take your bigotry to the Grand Canyon so you can show it how many backflips you can do off the side. They also love to brag about how long their list of "friends" is: "lol whatevs i have 700 frends anyway so fuk u looser." Well, as I've clearly demonstrated, that means sweet fuck all in the grand scheme of things. If you want to compare arbitrary statistics, let us compare: I scored 3,000,000 points yesterday in a video game, and 3,000,000 is 4,286 times bigger than 700, so that makes me 4,286 times better than you. The "no life" one is always a hoot; "you have no life xD" The only people who have no life are either lying in a grave, resting in countless particles of ash, or have since decomposed; they give less than a fuck about what you have to say about their status as people. With retorts like these, you make us believe that you think you're God's gift to humanity, which you are not. If you were a gift, I'd take you back to the store and demand a goddamned refund... with that gun of yours.

It's amazing seeing just how far from correct these people can take a paragraph. Parents, I don't care whether it's the liquid type or the powdered type: keep your kids off the fucking coke! Maybe they'll stop typing so much then! also type properlee & stop stik-ing xD on teh end of ur sentences ur not funny lol thats my job lol im funny guy lmao see im funny rofl cuz my sentence never muthafukin OMG DONT SWEAR YOU ASSSSSHOLE ITS ROODE U FAG FUK U but yh lol i cant stop tying wurdssssss i ripped the dot keyy off lol dont kno wut its actulee calld cuz im to cul to kno things lol but LOL but i tuk it off & 8 it w/ my mouth and it tasted like plastik xDD lol cuz my keybored iz plastik so so LOL the key tasted like plastik and I ATE PLASTIK xDDDDDDDDD CHINS ARE FUNNY AND SO IS ALLCAPS I ATE MY CAPSLOCK JUST THEN AND AND GUESS WUT IT TASTED LIKE PLASTIK TO OMG OMG OMG i need a gf so bad ill treet u right lol IN BED xDDDDDDDDDDDDDD give me ur number and ill give u my dick in your pussy LOL its funny cuz its sex

oh & i hakked this blog its myne nao ratchet more like ratshit LOL
haxxxxxxoooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Depression: It Isn't a Disease

As you readers may have acknowledged by deconstructing my previous entries, I am most certainly not the most content person to have his fingers touch a keyboard. It is natural for me to find fault with both myself and the rest of society, just as it is natural for me to wish to express my disdain. That in itself is a fault in my nature as a human being as far as I'm concerned. Shit, look at what's happening over in Japan: a fucking tsunami. 600+ already confirmed dead with 10,000+ missing, and I feel the need to bitch and moan, as if I'm going through hard times. The closest I've had to a natural disaster is a 40° day (Celsius, not Fahrenheit :P) and while it's by no means pleasant, it's also nothing compared to a wave towering 10 metres over your head, your house and your family. As destructive and devastating as such an event is, I always look to how natural disasters bring people together as we put differences aside and help one another. I find it strange that as negative a person as I may seem, I try to look on the positive side if at all possible. I am fully aware, however, of that fact that such a feat is easier said than done.

To put it bluntly, I am suffering depression, and I've realised that I've been feeling this way for a lot longer than I've perhaps fooled myself to believe. I'm not sure if there was a definite time or date when I began to think or feel this way, but in a very slow and progressive manner, cynicism and disgust have taken over my otherwise optimistic system. I could perhaps attribute this to my inherent admiration for George Carlin, for whom I have a great deal of respect as a person and from whom I've taken a great deal of inspiration as a comedian. I suppose it's the darker side of being exposed to a whole new way of thinking where you realise that you're just a speck in an ever expanding universe, and that everything around you has been set up to get you in and out as quickly as possible in a subvert attempt to minimise harm, that ironically does harm in a manner not many seem to be able to pick up on: it takes the spice out of life.

I find the best way to describe mood is to put it in terms of a fluorescent light. Good quality lights don't flicker much; they stay on most of the time, and illuminate rooms with relative ease. Some lights are a bit dodgy, and flicker a bit, but they're on for the fair majority of their run. Then there are lights that aren't so great; lights that never stop flickering. Sometimes they flicker really quickly in a manner more erratic than a hamster on methamphetamines, and other times they stay on for ages in a surprising instance of irradiated confidence. Sometimes, the power goes out, and even though it can stay out for a very, very long time, it comes back eventually. Sometimes, we decide to switch the light off, destroying its ability to shine, but leaving the possibility for further radiance contiguous. But sometimes, we go so far as to cut the wires; I'm in the process of soldering my previously tattered connection.

There are plenty of things that bring me joy to a level I can hardly contain: performing stand-up, improvising, multiplayer gaming, philosophical discussion, just to name a few, and these things have such value to me because they're rare occurrences. There are things that I've grown addicted to (namely watching improv and stand-up, as well as sleeping :P) that used to bring with them a far higher level of satisfaction that's been lost in their saturation; each instance of a repeated action has less of an effect on us as people, whatever that effect may be. In the most extreme cases, it takes the complete removal of an element from your life for you to realise its true worth; for me, that was my girlfriend.

We didn't split because I was taking her for granted; even though she dealt with the issue in an incredibly selfish manner, her reasoning of "I don't like you anymore," though harsh, is understandable and believable. Only when she was gone did I realise how happy she made me, and it was this that perhaps led me to cut my wires; I didn't think my bulb would get enough power, so I had to recover enough resources to allow the light to shine without having to worry about it suddenly going out. This metaphor is getting ahead of me :P

I find it to be a cruel irony how the things that make me happy are, for the most part, being with other people, whether it be performing with or for them, being leisurely with them, or even speaking with them, but feeling the way I do now leads me away from people rather than towards them. It's unusual how I deal with the same problem in different forms. For example, when I'm sick (as in, physically ill) I go to a doctor and get a prescription, actively seeking an artificial solution because I think I need it, leaving my natural immune system out of the question. Impatience and lack of faith takes hold, and I take the easy way out; we all do it. But, when I'm mentally deprived, I refuse such treatment, because I want as little dependency in this area as possible. I feel it's my responsibility to get myself out of such a predicament, but also acknowledge that this requires the efforts of others on my part.

I suppose my main fear is to become reliant on a counselor or therapist; yes, the profession exists for a reason and I can appreciate its worth to people with extremely poor mental health, but I'm just a bit blue, that's all! I don't need some fucker with a degree telling me how to think better; I need to find out myself so I can deal with problems as they arise without having to resort to "professional help." Dealing with these kinds of problems is something you learn through experience, and giving that experience to someone who's studied it for 3 to 4 years is a fucking waste. If you're on the verge of suicide or some other horrific or tragic fate, that's when you get help from the therapist. Otherwise, just get some buddies together and do something you love doing! No, it won't make all the pain go away, but it fucking helps!

Find something that makes you happy, and chase it. Listen to music, watch movies, go to the theatre, go out and party, have long winded discussions about cheese; the choice is yours, and in my case, the choice is to chase another girl. Have I found my next target? Yes, I have! Is this chase a permanent solution to my depression? Of course not! There is no such thing as a permanent solution; only temporary solutions, and you've just gotta find the one which lasts until the day you die, being careful not to abuse it and destroy its worth. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a good thing, because you need depression in your life; you just have to learn to harness and control it, and learn from it.

Remember: without bad times, there are no good times by comparison.

Music: Be Vewy Vewy Quiet; We're Wooking for Intolewance

As a gamer, I see all sorts of flame wars about which games are "better," which console is "winning," and which peripheral's vibration function stimulates the genitalia in the most cathartic manner. I'm not a musician (keep me away from anything capable of producing melodic sound :P) but I do listen to a lot of music. in today's society, with the Internet providing such easy access to music, I suppose that's not much of a surprise. YouTube is a great source of free music (pirated or otherwise :P) but, of course, the music drawing traffic on YouTube is... well, for lack of a better word... "shit-tastic," at least in my opinion (and, for any language-impaired halfwits who may be reading, so is everything that follows.)

Bieber is the #1 example; the creme de la creme of shitty music. I don't wanna hear a pre-pubescent plush doll talking about his baby, whether it be his dream girl or his dream child. I wanna see this baby he mentions so frequently before I even consider the possibility of his his reproductive system being even remotely active. I remember a news report on a concert Bieber held here in Australia a while back. Get this: it was called off after 3 songs because the crowd was too rowdy. Bruises, broken bones, even shattered kneecaps, and for what? For what? For a deluded culture where image is everything, that's what. And, of course, you have the girls holding up signs regarding informal marriage proposals; I don't know about you, but I most certainly do not want to marry a puppet. Why hate Bieber? Your hate is sure much better directed at his agents, the record company, and his parents for letting him become what he's become. Poor bastard probably hasn't made an independent decision since he said his first word. As for his other music... well, while his god-awful voice is most certainly recognisable enough for me to attribute the shit his label spits out to his name, I can't name anymore of his songs, so the chances of intelligent trash-talk are too low for me to want to continue discussion on the matter.

Let's move on to Kesha- shit, sorry. I meant Ke$ha. Just reading her name tells you how much of a cunt we have on our hands here. I don't think anyone who sticks a dollar sign in their name like that has any integrity to begin with, and this is before I've heard so much as a note or a beat. Why doesn't the record company just get a branding iron and burn the phrase "insert money here" just above her crotch, then proceed to record a music video where people are sticking Benjamins straight up her pussy? You could even have close-up shots of the teleportation machine inside her snatch (it'll fit, don't worry :P) and let the viewer watch as the bills dissolve in to particles, escape out the woman's rectum, fly over to Sony BMG (or whichever conglomerate pulls the strings,) magically come back together and land neatly on the already massive pile! It'd make her purpose far clearer to her listeners: I am here to take your money! Gimme gimme gimme! There are some lyrics for ya, K-Bitch K-Dog! I only demand a 500% cut! You won't find a better deal anywhere else! I don't know any of her songs by name either, purely because they all sound the fucking same. Can't tell one from the other; it's all the same perverted, uninspired electro-pop dumb motherfuckers get wet for.

The simple reason I can't name these songs is because I don't fucking listen to them, not intentionally anyway. I somehow manage to... not click those over-advertised links when I see them. I'd tell ya how I do it, but... you should already know how! It's ever so amusing to see these seemingly brainwashed slowpokes who, just before leaving these videos, tell everyone that what they've just listened to "isn't music" and that listeners should go listen to "real music." The definition of "music" and/or "real music" is not "what [you] like to listen to," mmkay? If these people want to listen to this music, let them. Think of them what you will, but to attempt to define music in such a blunt manner is pure bigotry. I think the music they're listening too is terrible as well, but that's my opinion which I can keep to myself away from the people the opinion concerns.

Here's some insight: right now, I'm listening to a song called "Rock Lobster" by The B-52's. Some of you may know it from hearing it back in the early 80s when it became a smash hit; others may know it from its appearance on Family Guy. Irrespective of where you heard it (which, may I remind you, has no impact on the original song and its quality) it's an... unusual song, to say the least. The music video only supports the theory :P The point is that I'm listening to it because I enjoy listening to it. I think it's a good song; its lyrics, its guitar, and its overall originality appeal to me. This doesn't mean I have to go and try to convince Bieber and Kesha (Ke$ha, sorry) fans to listen to Rock Lobster, or anything else by The B-52's. They can listen to their shit, and I'll listen to my shit. No fuss, no muss, and no arbitrary discourse! Oh well... the day we abandon pointless conflict is the day we officially become a utopia...

Television: Not Watching It Makes Me :D

I used to watch television a lot. There was a point in my life where I just had to watch all the crime shows: CSI, Law and Order, NCIS, Numb3rs (my personal favourite;) I didn't care, so long as there was a mystery to be solved. Predictably enough, the shows got... predictable :P I'm still up for a bit of TV every now and then, but YouTube will always be the best channel. No ads and no signal interference; just an infinite supply of Becker and Whose Line is it Anyway? I could watch that show forever! The knowledge that you will not see what you saw last time (a few running gags aside :P) makes for a damned good television programme. The rest of the televised world is something I love to hate. Whenever I watch a television broadcast (as in, the live feed from the aerial, not the stuff worth watching) I am persistently and openly mocking almost everything I see (much to the disdain of those who live with me :P) No over-dramatisation goes unnoticed, and no advertisement goes unridiculed; I swear, I do not have the ability to pass the opportunity to take the piss out of an ad unless it's genuinely good... and that ain't often :P

What gets me, though, is the rivalry between the networks. Here in Australia, we used to have a show called The Chaser's War on Everything. This was another programme I used to watch a few years back, but this show, unlike all the others I've mentioned, was canned. It wasn't canned because it was shitty; it was canned because it was actually too good! The show was political and commercial satire on crack, and the 6 blokes who were the Chaser team were both brilliant writers and gutsy performers. Their vox pops and outrageous public stunts really set the mark for political and social commentary in this country. After only 2 seasons, the Chaser team was far too easily recognised for the show's future success to be viable; the team's spontaneity relied highly on their relative anonymity. I can almost guarantee you that the show's cancellation was because of all the dumb motherfuckers video-bombing, wanting autographs and "waiting for something cool to happen!" This is why we can't have anything nice :P

The team were renowned not only for their political humour, but their never-ending piss-takes on the Australian media, particularly the commercial networks (Channels Seven, Nine and Ten.; real goddamn original :P) Channels Seven and Nine are fierce competitors; same shit, different channel, but always going at one another. Today, I actually saw a video where Channel 9 "apologised" for putting 3 watermarks across the middle of the screen - not the corner, or even the edge, right smack bang in the fuckin' middle - because Channel Seven was "stealing their content" and even pushing said content as "exclusive material." Much to my not-surprise, this was actually true, but get this: Channel Seven not only stole the footage, but they blurred the watermarks... as in, the ones Channel Nine put in the middle of the screen. o.O There is an entire strip of the screen that is just... blurry! I've seen blurred watermarks before, but this... this is just ridiculous!



Can you believe this? This is what happens when two groups of arse-wipes go at it: they'll stop at nothing until the other is down and out for good. Shit, that's what capitalism is, hypothetically: a never ending fight. Guess what, fuckers: all fights end. That's the entire point of conflict: to find a solution! Conflict can not last forever, and eventually, we'll have one media conglomerate, one global nation, and one giant facepalm (if we're still allowed, that is.) For the moment, capitalism is the lesser of two evils, so I suppose we're stuck here until we find a better way to deal with how fucked the human mindset is. Until then... enjoy the epic bitch fight :P

Oh, and Channel Nine... we don't see it first on your channel because you "work very hard." We see it first on your channel because you're run by CVC Asia Pacific, who (like any large corporation) manipulate the lives of the puppets they call their "employees" and throw money around like rice at a wedding to lather "news stories" in their own conservative coating before anyone else is able to get a fucking word in.

Oh... and I saw it on YouTube first :P

Nostalgia: Raping my Schedule

I spend far more time on my desktop than on my PS3; not just because my PC is more versatile and can actually be used for purposes more productive than mowing innocent civilians down in a taxi cab or taking control of a sack of burlap as he swings over hazardous gas, but because I can unleash the awesomeness that is: The Emulator. For those of you who have their heads stuck in the now, console emulation is, from a gamer's perspective, using one system (usually a PC) to play games developed for another system. With even today's average machine, you can be playing all your favourite classics, from right back when Atari ruled the console realm, all the way to the turn of the century playing the last games of the 5th console generation; basically, anything from the ol' 2600 and the arcade legends of the 1970s right up to the last games released for the Nintendo 64 and the original PlayStation. PS2 and Wii emulation is also in its early stages, but you'll need a damned good PC for that kind of emulation :P

It's amazing to go back and see what gaming has evolved from. Playing the first Super Mario Bros. is just as much a terrific experience as it is a frustrating one; 3 lives? Are you shitting me? Since when did I have a limited amount of retries? And Contra... holy shit! Talk about hard! The slow bullets and one hit deaths coupled with that rectangular prism of a controller must have made for some run-and-gun-and-get-your-hands-sore memories :P Of course, it's not just the games and the hardware made things difficult, as back then, you had no "Google" or "GameFAQs" to go to if you needed help getting past that crazy puzzle or that final boss fight. In the 70s, 80s and early 90s, it was either print media, word of mouth, or pure perseverance and skill that got gamers through the tough times. And online multiplayer? You had to have real friends to get some competitive action going! Split-screen on a 13 inch CRT TV? My 32 inch LCD, my internet connection and I can only imagine. No wonder I see so many middle-aged nerds with glasses :P

Having said that, split-screen multiplayer on a screen big enough to split is one of the best experiences I've ever had as a gamer. I remember a while back taking my laptop chock full of emulators and games, 4 controllers and 3 friends in to our school's lecture theatre (with its awesome data projector) and playing Mario Kart 64 and Super Smash Bros. for hours on end. It's competition without all the unnecessary cursing and macho bullshit. No dumb motherfuckers with microphones telling you how much of a faggot you are, no hackers or trolls, just people you know to be good people playing a game you know to be a good game. You can ignore the 90s era graphics and lack of modern features when you're, you know... having a ton of fun :P It's that whole "pick up and play" environment that's brings it home for me. Battle Mode in Mario Kart 64 with 4 people is tricky business ever for the most experienced player; those green shells are (quite literally) a pain in the arse to avoid :P Mario Party is another awesome game for non-gamers; even if they aren't winning, they can still laugh at the humping-eqsue animation when someone wins Tug of War (look it up if you don't know what I'm talking about :P)

My favourite retro data package has to be Perfect Dark; think GoldenEye 007, but in the future, and with bots in multiplayer. It is some fun shit! Get this: you have to find weapons. You actually have to look for a weapon! How long has it been since you've done that? And you have a HUD that stays on the screen! Sure, it's a little blocky, but I can actually see how much ammunition I have without having to fire the damn gun for the information to pop up! None of that "red screen" crap either. Rather, we have what I like to call a health bar. It tells you exactly how much health your character has rather than how much blood is in their eyes. The amount of health they have doesn't magically go back up if you avoid damage for a few seconds either. Gunshot wounds don't just magically go away, kids. Try to remember that when you shoot up your school because of your own inability to deal with anxiety issues. Your pal isn't going to disappear 10 seconds after you blow his head off, appear somewhere else in the school and invite you to a movie. He's fuckin' dead.

Don't get me wrong, though. I love some of the modern conveniences we all take for granted. To me, infinite lives are just common sense; my house is not an arcade, my console does not survive on change, and there are ways to test my skill that don't involve taking me all the way back to the start of the game because of a few slip-ups. But, sometimes, the classics can provide you with something a modern game simply doesn't. It depends on the game and the player, I suppose. Take Crash Bandicoot, for example: that series has gone to shit from a critical perspective ever since Naughty Dog sold the rights. If you want to have fun as Crash and Coco, you're gonna have to go back to the mid-to-late 90s  and play the original trilogy. A simple premise combined with simple platforming and a simple rewards system; simply fun! Going through 'em without touching YouTube, GameFAQs or Google is an even more thrilling (albeit difficult) experience, because think about it: when was the last time you completed a game without any help?

Can't answer? Neither can I :P

Women: The Hardest Topic You Never Study in School

NB: This entry (like every other on this blog) represents my thoughts at the time of writing. I know what's written here is harsh towards the end, but this was written a month after the described events happened, events I had gone through for the first time. Anyone expecting me to handle such a situation perfectly when I hadn't experienced it before is a thick cunt, as is anyone who assumes I'm too retarded to learn from my mistakes. If you're too ignorant to recognise context when you see it, stop reading this and go back to English class.

"Hard " doesn't even scratch the surface :P With the way men think, it just ain't gonna happen. We are never ever going to know how they work, why they do what they do, or why we like them so much even though we go through so many of them trying to find the right one for us, which isn't the most pleasant experience (or so I've heard :P) Today is "International Women's Day," or something like that; the title would mean more to me if I could make sense of this crap. Perhaps it's just my ignorant male mind speaking here, but why the fuck is there an International Women's Day? If women get one day, then men must get the rest of the year! That's hardly fair! It doesn't really push for that whole "equality" thing these activists strive towards. Of course, a feminist's view of equality could be that it is women's turn to be the powerful ones and that men should submit to women as women once did to men, but that's just hypocrisy. I couldn't give a shit about women's rights. Fuck women's rights. I don't think it's wrong for a man to hit a woman; I think it's wrong for anyone to hit anyone else. See that? That's equality. To focus solely on women's rights can easily be interpreted as a form of discrimination in itself; why should group X have different rights than group Y? The struggle for women's rights may strive to close that gap, but from another angle it perpetuates the clash even more.

On a different note, let's talk about women, politics aside :P It may surprise many of you that I had a girlfriend once. Shit, that was... a month ago! I think a month back from today was the day I actually broke up with her. For those of you who've been through that... I feel your pain. And I thought needles were bad :P A thousand of them going through your heart is significantly worse. For the naive folk among you who don't know what a break up consists of, let me take you through mine, step by step. Also, let me make it clear that this is a specific case study; it does not represent what every other woman would do to you in the same situation. Your mileage may vary.

Imagine that you have a girlfriend, and everything appears to be OK. You talk, you hug, you kiss; you share one another. You have those cute little things you do that make you the happiest you've ever been, and you think it's never going to end. Everyone in a while, you ask yourself "how long can this last?" but you never get around to finding an answer because you're enjoying it too much to care (and so you should be!) So, everything's fine, and then :O suddenly things are different! She makes your hugs quick and moves on as soon as she can let go. Kisses no longer occur. Talking is brief and to the point, way too much to the point. After a few days of this, you realise that things are clearly fucked up.

But, you don't know what's making things so fucked up! So, what does a man do? He investigates! He goes over everything he can remember doing, everything he can remember saying, everything that he thinks could even potentially be the cause of this entire fucked up scenario, but can draw no conclusions. You know why? Because he hasn't done ANYTHING fucked up! Your solo attempt has failed, so you move on to Plan B: Get Information from Someone Else. You're a logical guy, so, logically, "someone else" means "her." She won't say a word over the Internet, which means a weekend of unpleasantness for you as you go back to Plan A 20 times or so. It's a cruel irony: when you need someone the most, they want nothing to do with you.

Back seeing the person in the flesh the following Monday, she still does not approach you, so Plan C: Get Information from Someone Else who Isn't the Someone Else We Chose Earlier, comes in to play. A friend quickly debugs the entire situation and gives it to you straight: she just doesn't like you anymore. What the fuck does that mean? I hear you ask. ...I dunno. It means you're fucked, that's all I can gather. Regardless, you now speak to her personally, and here's how it pans out:

You: So, I heard that you don't like me as much anymore. Is this true?
Her: Yes.
You: Well, there's no point in continuing this if you don't feel the same way about me as I feel about you.
Her: Nope.
You: So, a simple question: is this the end?
Her: Yes.

... yeah. Talk about fuckin' cold. Ice cold. That is without a doubt the most disgusting, unsympathetic dialogue I've ever seen come out of someone's mouth in front of me. That made me so sick, I had to stay home the next day. I tried to throw up, to get it out of my system, but like my feelings for the old her (this was obviously some other cold hearted bitch who had killed my loving girlfriend and stolen her identity :P), it just wouldn't go away. Damn, she could have at least acknowledged the fact she just dumped someone and that he just might perhaps sorta kinda feel like dog shit! The dog shit that person has indeed been treated like.

But, as we all (or most of us, anyway :P) know, you move on. For me, the best way to move on is to find someone new, someone exciting, someone... better :P Once you find them, think about them. Think about them heaps! All the free time your brain has, let her take it up. Think about her talking, her running around, her naked; who cares!? Go nuts! That ex of yours moves out pretty damn fast after that :P Hey, face it: you're gonna have to do this a lot more times before you find that really special someone.

... wait. Did I just give romantic advice? One ex-girlfriend, and I'm Mr. Know-It-All? Shit... give me a sec...

*select all*
*strikethrough*
*publish post*

Internet Shorthand: moar thought w/ comment plz? :)

The Internet has, unsurprisingly, developed its own language. What's come about as a result of 10 to 15 years of rapid digital Westernisation and unrivaled physical ineptitude appears to be a very malformed and broken version of English, with a whole tonne of jargon thrown in for good exclusionary measure. Many of the terms we use are text-based alternatives to expressions we can not convey normally through digital means: LOL, ROFL, LMAO and all those emoticons are just a few examples that jump to mind, and this is perfectly understandable, if not extremely beneficial, to us as people. Language itself is a tool that provides a common knowledge base with regards to communications for all to use. It gives us all the same idea of what certain terms mean according to how they are used, and the context of the situation provides one with meaning pertaining to the situation.

This is where the formalities end.

Of all the terms, expressions, pictures and other means of communication we digital residents use on a day-to-day basis, one stands out for me as being the single worst permutation of letters I've yet seen arranged on paper or panels: "plz." Shorthand for "please," the adverb that you stick in to those sentences where you're asking someone for something and want to be polite, as to acknowledge the fact that you are asking this person to sacrifice their own resources for your own gain. If you don't know what the concept of politeness is, please look it up in your nearest dictionary. Even if you're slightly unsure of what I'm on about here, look it up. You will be doing everyone around you a big fucking favour, and learning things is fun!

Let's look at my context for a moment: I've published many a video in my 2 years as a content producer. Some of these videos have been tutorials that aim to assist the viewer in something they would otherwise not be able to themselves, and all of them have been provided 100% free of surplus charge to said viewer. This is why it boggles my mind when some ungrateful cunt comes along and asks me to help them in-game, right before sticking "plz" and their PSN ID on the end of their already malformed "sentence."

The act of asking alone demonstrates an extreme lack of gratitude; I just showed you how to do it! Step by step! Hell, I even talked you through it. Yes, perhaps the video didn't help you as much as I'd hoped, and that's a shame, but the other people saying "Thanks!" and "Great video!" beg to differ as to the video's usefulness. Irrespective of that, I've spent hours putting these videos together, so just why the fuck should I drop everything and schedule to help you do something that everyone else seems to be able to do themselves without any trouble?

Sticking "plz" on the end just tells me you can't even be bothered to type "P" then "L," followed by "E" and "A," right before hitting "S" and returning once more to the "E" to perform the arduous task of typing a 6 letter word. If we were all using mobile phone keypads to communicate over these here interwebs, I wouldn't see this as a reflection of laziness, because I can at least reason with the justification of using shorthand under those circumstances, but face it: most of you fuckers are using keyboards, so feel free to use all the keys. And take a lesson in grace from Jon Graham: "plzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" is just as bad, if not worse, than the "root" form "plz." Its use doesn't demonstrate impoliteness as much as it demonstrates stupidity; the time you spent holding down the "Z" key could have been used pressing the OTHER FUCKING KEYS!

I couldn't give a shit how you speak to your chums and pals, but when you're speaking to someone you don't know and asking them for something, whatever it may be, a little grace goes a long goddamn way. When you fuckers apply for a job, don't be surprised when you get a rejection letter,  packaged, to your surprise, with a tattered shred of paper from your resume; you know, the part where you said "I can has job plz?" I'm sure you'll be :( maybe even :'( but maybe you'll learn something. I know it's been a while, but don't fret; it's a good feeling, I assure you.

I can't remember where I read this, but as a quotation, it sums everything up nicely:

"If you type 'plz' instead of 'please' because it's shorter, I'll type 'no' instead of 'yes' because it's shorter."

HollyTube: Bringing Unrivaled Favouritism to Homes Everywhere

I've been an avid YouTuber for a number of years now, and the last year has been fantastic for me as a content producer. 450,000 is a number I never thought I'd see next to the word "views" on a video of my own :P The subscriber count just toppled over 3,000, which is also fantastic. I'm not the sort to obsess over figures like that, but I won't hold it back when I say it makes me :D to see my userbase grow, and in the times I'm going through now, it really fuckin' helps :)

One recurring issue I see and ponder on with regards to YouTube is that of attention. As I just mentioned, there are 3,000 people who hypothetically, at one point or another, liked my content enough to make the effort to enlist in automated reminders whenever new content of this variety was released. That's what a subscription is: a service that allows you to automatically receive new content, or be notified of its arrival, depending on what you're subscribed to. This is why people bug the fuck out of you to do it: it's the first step to getting (and maintaining) more attention.

We've all seen it: "Rate, Comment, Subscribe," sometimes with the less popular "Favourite" thrown in if the advertiser has no concept of the "Rule of 3." These people are the blunt form of attention whores, pure and simple. It doesn't matter if their content is good; one mention of RCS and they've put it out there. They're honest people; they want big numbers, and they will happily ask, over and over if necessary. I don't do it, simply because as far as I'm concerned, the video should be given the task of enticing you to do those things. My numbers are a pure representation of how many people do those things because they do them of their own accord, without being asked. The figures are a natural tracking of my success. People are free to ask for subscriptions, comments and ratings, and although this doesn't bother me, it does ironically persuade me to leave the video without subscribing, commenting or rating most of the time.

Partners are notorious for doing this. The partnership program is built on a moviestar-esque fame platform, carefully constructed to slowly bring people in and get them "hooked" on the videos that have ads next to them (and they all will, because who doesn't like ad revenue?) YouTube is one big agent, and we're the public, getting all wet for these people. I saw a video a while back, and I tried to look for it to no avail, but, in addition to things I've noticed, the video makes it clear how partners make videos "efficiently" to maximise revenue.

The biggest example is how they always want you to "thumbs up" (used to be "5 star" which you'll see and hear in older videos) their videos. Fuck you; I'll thumbs up your video if it deserves it. That's what the rating system is for: so I can judge good content from shitty content, not popular content from everything else. I'll only thumb a video up per someone's request if they promptly stick it up their arse after receiving it. Most partners also love "comment questions," usually simple ones easily answered by the absent-minded drones that watch their videos. Stuff like "what's under your bed?" or "what's Lady GaGa's gender?" Simple shit that takes 2 seconds to answer and makes everyone feel smart and/or funny. As a wannabe comic, looking at the responses to these questions makes me feel smart and funny. It's all about bumping good ratings and comment figures through the roof, which get them on the pages that are dedicated to showing people those things. The viewers feel involved, like they're part of something, and add their username to a list of millions, as well as 1 to that 7 figure "Subscribers" number (which, to many, represents how "good," "funny" and "talented" they are; it doesn't.)

Before we get all angry, let's get this straight: there are plenty of partners who don't do any of the negative shit you may think I've just tarred them with, as well as plenty of non-partners who do this shit all the time. It's up to you as an individual to sort good content from bad without automatically labeling people. Letting your opinion of an individual mirror that of a group they're a part of simply because of their part in that group is, as far as I'm concerned, lazy and unjustifiable. Being a partner does not automatically make a content producer an arsehole, but just going off what I've noticed and things that have been shown to me, there are some really fucking desperate people out there who can and will take advantage of whatever they can to get everything for themselves. YouTube is no different.

Believe it or not, some people think I'm famous. It's all about relativity: compared to them, perhaps I am famous, but compared to these people with hundreds of thousands, even millions of followers, I don't even touch them. I had one guy send me a friend request on the PSN saying he would be "honoured" to have me on his list. Why? What the fuck is so special about me? Is my self-respect too low to recognise my supposed talent and greatness, or are this guy's standards low enough to think some dude who makes YouTube videos every so often is someone to be honoured? I guess it's a little bit of both. I look up to people too; (dead) comedians primarily, but YouTubers too.

Take SeaNanners: here's a guy (a partner, I might add :P) who I think is funny, insightful and very entertaining. I don't know if I'd be honoured to talk to him or meet him, but I would be very appreciative and delighted, because he seems like an interesting fellow, and knowing his userbase, lots of people would want to do the same. Without SeaNanners and his (awesome! :D) Minecraft videos, I probably would never have thought about improvised commentary. I suppose we all look to someone for something.

You know a blog is good and hearty when you look at the clock and 50 minutes have silently walked right out the door... wait, do you? I'm too new here to be making such assumptions :P

B-Log? What's a B-Log? Where's the A-Log?

So, here we are! The blogoland-tube-sphere thing.

Let's get straight to it: I've got a sore throat which is why I haven't been making videos as of late, of any variety. Once this bastard is healed (and no, I don't know when it will; I don't own a DeLorean) I will resume making videos ASAP. Time is still, and always will be, an issue with my upload frequency, so just be patient and you will see videos in that box soon :D The acing videos will be priority one; you guys have been asking for the last few (the most important :P) so they'll be the first videos to be uploaded. My "Minesweeper: Behind the Scenes" video will probably follow, and while I was sick, I started a new level, so I might give you guys a sneak peak of what little there is of that too. It's another remake, so don't get your hopes up for "new ideas," but it'll be complicated; mega-complicated ;)

I've also been contemplating a lot of subject matter for commentaries (if I'd been at home not sick, I would have been talking my judgmental arse off :P) and this has mainly been along the lines of YouTube partnership (my lowly opinion of its transformation of YouTube in to Hollywood through subversive manipulation, not my "road to stardom" :P), women, the education system, and a bunch of other shit. After thinking it over, I realised that I simply don't have the time to say all those things in videos, nor did I see the point in putting video game footage behind my ramblings (are we that simple, people?) This way, I can quickly type something and let you guys read it. I'll definitely keep doing commentaries; I love doing them, and you guys appear to love listening to me talk (just going off the comments here :P) but I feel that non-gaming subject matter need not interfere with the gaming footage, so I can stick that stuff here without any dilemmas.

Speaking of commentary... LittleBigShow; we've gotta talk. LBS was highly successful and extremely well received by you guys. It was also a pain in the arse to script :P Going through 50 levels (the majority of which aren't up to scratch at all; just the law of averages speaking here) and picking 3, only 3, to feature was painstaking and overbearing. If you guys like that kind of production, then I should keep doing it, but it just takes too long to script. This is where the improvised commentary idea came from: it was a way of cutting down production time. If I can just make it up as I go, why write it down and then say it? Fuck that :P LBS can continue with this change with only minor side effects. First, levels would still be submitted by you guys via Google Moderator, personal messages and channel comments, but I would now simply request LBP.me links and look at the happy/sad face ratio (not how big/small those figures are, the ratio of happy faces to sad faces) to decide which levels to feature. Levels would therefore have to have been played at least ~50 times for them to have enough ratings for me to judge their worthiness, but from there, I can just stick them on my queue, commence playing/recording/talking, and cut out irrelevance and dead silence during editing. Simple :D

Well, that was a shitload of words. Take a breather - a nap if you need to - and I'll catch you guys later :)