Career: Uncertainty and Unwillingness

I've been thinking for a while about what I want to do with my life. For the longest time, I've wanted to be a stand-up comedian. But now, I'm starting to reconsider whether that's the best idea.

I can't remember how long I've wanted to be a stand-up comedian for, but it's been for at least a few years. I knew full well that stand-up wasn't all I wanted to do, but it was the main attraction, certainly. Even though stand-up is usually seen as a way to get into TV/film/writing, I wanted to do stand-up as its own reward, even if I did do other things on the side. I've known for a long time that I like writing comedy, that I enjoy performing it, and that I've had moderate success, at least in terms of audience reactions. It's to the point where I identify as a comedian: I have no issue with calling myself one, even if I do stick the word 'amateur' or 'wannabe' beforehand. I constantly tell jokes in conversations, so much so that it's basically how I warm myself to new people. It's the one skill I know I can rely on in most situation. The few accolades I've had in competitions are things I've listed in my resume, for fuck's sake. It's my thing. But now I'm not so sure I wanna pursue it as a career.

The main reason is that to commit to stand-up isn't just to take on a job; it's to take on a lifestyle. I've read story after story of comedians living out of their cars, living in cheap motels, travelling hundreds of miles to and from venues, while making chump change. Open mics are almost never paid gigs, not in the typical sense--you're paid in stage time and exposure, not dollars. I can't remember how many times I've performed in total (around 20, I'd say--not much for 5 years, I know :P), but I've only ever been paid once, and it took me by surprise. Given my lack of financial reserves and my pocket-money-level income stream, I can't currently afford to commit to this. Could I travel to open mics anyway? Sure, of course I could, and I'd like to continue doing so. My mum's told me numerous times she's willing to support me in this, including paying for transport. But in the long term, as an independently-funded venture, it's quite the investment. There's also the whole food thing, and the being-scared-of-travel thing, which are both obstacles, even if they can be overcome with some advance planning.

That really isn't the main issue, though. When talking to my mum about this whole life-plan thing, she raised a good point: I've been sheltered as fuck for my entire life. Like, I knew that already, but I didn't see the relevance until now. Even if my eating habits were normal and my fear of travel were non-existent, that doesn't change the fact that I've had a comfortable upbringing, and am simply not used to being deprived of anything. I'm used to having a bed, to having clothes, to having internet, and to having security in the form of a parent with the resources to protect me in case something goes wrong. If I'm on the road by myself, I lose all that security. This isn't to say I couldn't do it--I think if I wanted to do stand-up badly enough, I could--but it is to say that it would probably be a lot less comfortable than previously considered. There's also things like jobs and relationships that may also be put at stake, things that require some level of security themselves to function. It's just a very big shift, one that would, at the very least, require great thought, if not outright reconsideration.

So, what alternatives are there? My current focus is on writing. My mum's always said "I think you'll be more of a writer than a performer", not to deride my abilities in performing, but in reference to the aforementioned difficulties I would face in pursuing stand-up as a career. Sometimes, my mum's a lot more insightful than I give her credit for. With stand-up, writing is half the job, at least for most comedians. Unless you're Robin Williams, Dara O'Briain, Ross Noble, etc., you're gonna have to write shit down, and you're gonna have to refine it. I know full well that I've had more practice with the pen than the microphone, and as such, I have more faith in my abilities as a writer than as a performer. Thankfully, being a writer is far less taxing on one's security than being a performer. So long as I have a laptop, I can write fucking anywhere, rather than having to find an open mic. And while I may have to travel a bit as a writer (mainly to collaborate with other writers, I imagine), it wouldn't be anywhere near as frequently as it would be if I did stand-up. The pay would also be a little steadier, hopefully (even if I do have to submit things for free early on).

At the moment, I'd really like to get into writing satire. I like reading satirical pieces like those published by The Backburner, The Shovel, The Onion, etc., and when I do read them, I'm like "hey, I can write stuff like that!" I do have a few ideas in mind: some fake interviews, a few fake news articles, even drawings (even though I can't draw :P). Reading the news usually makes a few more light bulbs go off too. I'm evermore keen to write some stuff and then contact the uni magazine to say "hey, I write funny things! Here are some of those things", to see if they're willing to take me on board. I think it's a more consistent outlet than open mics, and it allows me to explore a new form--multiple, in fact, seeing as I can do interviews, news articles, speeches, even implementing graphics if I get really into it. I dunno how you get into the profession on a paid basis (same way as stand-up, probably: networking and exposure); and just like with stand-up, I don't necessarily want to just write satire. But it seems like another route I could take, one more suited to who I am as a person.

Another avenue I've thought about also involves writing, but in a different way. And I didn't think it was a viable option until a conversation I had with one of my tutors at uni. I was consulting with him, where he said (and I know this is a humble-brag, but fuck you :P) "you're very bright. Are you going to do honours [in philosophy]? Go on to do post-grad, perhaps?" I was taken aback, to be honest. I know I'm not dreadful at philosophy, but I didn't consider myself to be too crash-hot. That said, I have actually thought about it, at least about doing a Ph.D, reason being that I've considered working as a philosophy lecturer. I really enjoy the idea of being a lecturer: it's kinda like stand-up, but without the pressure to be funny. I get to explore complex idea, but I don't have to mangle it into a series of jokes; I can just present it in the clearest, most concise way I can think of. That means there's an element of writing to it as well, seeing as I have to figure out how best to convey the ideas the class needs to learn about. The thing is, a) it's expensive (huge-ass HECS debt, yo), and b) you have to write a thesis. I'm llaaaaazzzzyyyyy. Writing a thesis is hhhaaarrrdddd. Urgh :P

Incidentally, though, there is actually a specific thesis I'd like to write. Obviously, I'm too inexperienced to start writing it, but I've thought a great deal about the topic and how I'd write about it, both in stand-up form and in academic form, even considering writing an academic paper and then using stand-up as a way to distribute it to the masses. Basically, I'm super-interested in pornography: not just in the "aw yeah, it's hawt" way, but in terms of how it's produced, how it's consumed, how it's perceived, how it's legislated, and how it influences people, particularly teenagers. Linked into that is the issue of sex education pertaining to porn, ie. how porn is pretty much ignored in sex ed (as far as I can tell). I basically wanna explore potential solutions to porn's negative effects, given I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to produce or consume it (and can even be a positive thing if consumed correctly). I've thought about it for years, and if I had to write a thesis right now on a given topic, that would be the topic. Now, I dunno if you can write a thesis on whatever the fuck you feel like, or if you have to be part of a research program--I honestly have no clue, so it's just speculation at this point, and it may never happen. But if I do well enough at uni for this to be a possibility (and it is an if, cos you have to have a distinction-average to get into honours, which I feel would be necessary for post-grad work), it might just be worth pursuing. I also think it'd be immensely fulfilling, given the work involved and the potential impacts.

I suppose I could write about the philosophy of comedy too. I dunno how much is really written about that. Could be heaps; could be almost nothing. But it's another subject I can delve into and write about in-depth and at length.


The other thing with having a Ph.D is that I don't think you can just lecture: I think you actually have to keep doing research, regularly publishing papers and stuff. More work! >:(

As for stand-up, I still want to write sets and perform them; I'm only sceptical of my potential as a professional comedian. I could write satire and do stand-up on the side; I could work on my academic stuff for most of the week and go to open mics on the weekends. Such multitasking is far from impossible. Just working stuff out, I guess.

That and I need a goddamn job. Having no money is awful :(

New Territory

So things are going really well with this girl I'm seeing. I don't want to delve into detail cos to do so would be to disrespect her privacy, but I'm just amazed at how well it's going. It's crazy. Whenever we talk, what feels like 15 minutes ends up being an hour. Being around her is never not fun. So far, this whole thing has been a whirlwind of awesome :D

While I have dated before, the time since I last did id (4.5 years) has meant I've had to relearn a lot of things I previously knew how to do. Like, my first kiss was my ex, but when I kissed this new girl, it was... weird :P  I was missing her mouth, biting her lip, all kinds of dumb shit :P  Turned out I was kissing her like I kissed my ex, and she just had a totally different kissing style. We eventually got used to each other's style, which was good, but that then lead to, you know... more kissing. Like, lots of kissing in a row. That's been totally new ground for me, something I'm not used to. I didn't give my girlfriend anything more than singular kisses when she showed up/left--there's a bit more involved this time around :P  Now that we've gotten used to each other, it feels great, but I'm sure there'll be many more things I have to learn along the way here.

Speaking of totally new ground, we've started talking a little more... intimately. Sex is something I never talked about with my ex; it was just never an issue. And, again, while I don't want to dive into detail and extrapolate on what we've been talking about, I will say that it's exciting as all hell. It's liberating, being able to be honest with someone about how you feel about them sexually. I could never have said any of these things to my ex without making her feel frightened; but now, it's in the open, and I don't have to worry about offending the girl's sensibilities. As new as it is, I think I'm catching on pretty fast, though sometimes I am caught off-guard by things she says (and even things I say, now and again). It was a little odd at first, when the flirting got a little more intense and those intimate questions started being asked, cos hearing a woman talk about her feelings for me like that wasn't something I'd ever experienced. But it's developed into something sexy and fun, something I initiate as often as she does. Part of me wonders if it'll always be this thrilling, or if I'll just get used to it (kind of like how I got used to cuddling my ex), but I'll have to wait and see.

I'm just so happy this is all happening. It was so blasé, being told "oh, you'll find someone eventually" or "she's out there somewhere" or whatever other bullshit, but I guess there was probably going to be some truth to it. Part of me fears waking up and realising it's all a dream; part of me thinks "something's gonna go wrong, just you wait"; part of me questions everything I say to and do with her, wondering about what she infers from it all. But most of me is cheerful, excited, and satisfied. The pessimism surrounding the whole "something's gonna go wrong" thing is a little annoying, cos I keep wondering if and when this is all gonna end, and that's a horrible thought to have. The fact of the matter is that, clearly, neither one of us wants this to end just yet, so who cares? I have to just enjoy it for what it is and what it becomes. And by the looks of it, it's gonna become something pretty fantastic :)

Not gonna say anything more for now, even though there are other things I could talk about. Maybe later.

Date: The First of (Hopefully) Many

So I went out with that girl.

Holy shit. It was awesome :D

I really don't want to delve into explicit detail; I do not believe this is the best place to do that. I won't go into a step-by-step as to what happened and how each segment went (and even if I wanted to, I couldn't, cos I don't really know how to divvy it up into little bits). But I will say that even though I figured it'd go pretty well, it still managed to surpass my expectations. There was almost nothing that went wrong. I was never uncomfortable, and I was pushing my boundaries without even trying. Every time we meet up, I get more confident about this thing going somewhere, and this was the biggest boost by far.

For starters, we went to the spot at 1:30pm. We got there, and we talked, and we ordered our food, and we talked, and the food came, so we ate and talked, then we finished eating but kept talking, and we talked and we talked, and we talked and talked and talked, and we talked, and we talked, and we talked some more. By the time one of us had the presence of mind to go "oh, what time is it?", it was 5:00pm. We were there for three-and-a-half hours. It felt like one-and-a-half hours, two tops. It was insane how fast the time went. I did notice people coming and going (I could see the entrance to the of the venue), but it still didn't feel like we were there for that long. And for that three-and-a-half hours, there was hardly a second of awkwardness. It was comfortable for both of us the entire time, save for the odd silence here and there (but we were both at least a little nervous, so that's to be expected). That fact alone made me go "wow, it is really fun spending time with her, and clearly she reciprocates cos she was surprised too".

Secondly, I somehow—some-fucking-how—managed to compliment her appearance in what is probably the smoothest thing I have ever done. This indicates to me the sheer level of comfort I was in, cos I never say anything about a woman's appearance for fear of offending them, yet I took this and just fucking ran with it cos it was such a perfect opportunity. Again, I don't want to get into too much detail here, mainly cos it'd violate her privacy. But basically, she works in retail, and one day, she was given a customer appraisal. She scored perfect marks in all but one section, where the comment read 'this employee wasn't very attractive'. Obviously, the first thing I did was state (as she already had) how utterly ridiculous that is. Like, seriously? The fuck kind of critique is that? I don't… what? What? It goes without saying how irrelevant that is. But after that, I was like "and secondly, such bad taste! Such. Bad. Taste! I mean, come on!", gesturing towards her face. And every fucking neuron in my brain froze to see the reaction, each one equally shocked that, yes, I just said that.

She blushed, looked down, and said she was a little embarrassed (in an adorable "oh stop it, you!" way).

"Oh my god did I just compliment a woman on her appearance and not totally fuck everything up? I think I did. I think that is exactly the thing that just happened."

My neurons are still partying over that success :P I don't mean to brag about it too much—I just saw an opportunity and took it, cos it was too good to pass up—but I was proud that I did something I would never otherwise consider doing, and that there was no hesitation when I did it. I knew exactly what to do the moment she finished telling me the story about her appraisal, and went through with it on the fly. My limits are almost getting too easy to push at this point. In addition, I genuinely do think she's super cute, and I wanted her to know that, and now she does :)

On a final note, we have so many more similarities than I previously thought. We like the same things, we dislike the same things, we have the same feelings during similar experiences—we just relate on fucking everything. Anytime I thought we were out of similarities, another one would come about. The amount of times one of us said "me too!" or "I can totally relate to that" or "I'm exactly the same in [a particular situation]" or some equivalent… too many to count.

I can't believe how well this is going. No matter what happens, I'm continuing to say "hey, you're not out of the woods yet, don't jump the gun, don't assume anything", etc., but I'm only trying to avoid setting myself up for failure, seeing as I've done it before. Even with that cautionary mindset, though, I'm more confident than ever now that this will go somewhere. This girl is amazing to be around, and I really want to spend more time with her over the uni break. I wanna go places with her, play games with her, have her meet my friends, meet her friends—so many things I wanna do!

I just wish these fucking assessments would go away. Ugh. You should take a page out of this girl's book, assessments. Be fun! Be interesting! You're all awful.

Soooo...

I can finally talk about that thing I’ve been saying I can’t talk about! Finally! It’s actually two things, but I'm only gonna talk about one of them in any real depth. The rest shall come in time.

So, a fair while ago (I don't even remember when), a friend of mine told me about this girl she knew at work. She was described as shy and nerdy, leading the two of us to joke about me going out with this girl, given it seemed so plausible in theory. I was told about a few of her interests, none of which really clicked with me, but she was definitely a geek, so I knew there could be other things she liked which I’d be into as well. That said, I didn’t put much more thought into the situation afterwards, thinking of it as nothing but a joke.

At some point, I went into my friend’s work, and was told after I went home that the girl was seen looking at me, my friend believing this girl had some kind of crush on me. Upon hearing that, I thought to myself “well, hang on… maybe this could actually be a thing. I already have reason to believe she likes me—nothing to lose, right?” So I figured I’d pursue the girl and see where it went.

To test the waters, I got my friend to ‘accidentally’ buy an extra ticket for a stand-up competition I was entering, to see if she liked my material. I figured if she didn’t enjoy my performance, she wouldn’t enjoy me as a person. I’d also get to see what she looked like, and I might get to talk to her in person at some point during the evening. It was basically intel-gathering all around :P

I didn’t see the girl until the interval, which directly followed my performance—pretty good timing considering I also rocked the house that night (I did way better than I thought I would). I went into the audience when the interval started, seeing my friend and the girl sitting together in the front row. I walked over, was congratulated by the group, then my friend conveniently gets up and leaves, obviously so the girl and I can chat in peace.

But, what’s that I hear in the distance? “Yo dude, that was awesome!”

Another friend I’d invited, sitting somewhere totally different in the audience, came up and started talking to me. Now, if I were a smart man, I’d have at least tried to include the girl in the conversation, perhaps by introducing her to my friend and vice-versa. I am not a smart man. I am not a smart man at all. What did I do? I just talked to my friend! I just left this poor girl sitting there, clearly wanting to talk to me, but being unable to cos she’s shy and she had no idea who the other guy was, thus not wanting to butt in. You’d think for all the complaining I’ve done about being left out of group conversation, I’d know how it feels and extend a helping hand. But nope: I’m a fucking idiot. Oh well, no harm done.

Though I didn’t get to speak to the girl, I at least got to see what she looked like. To be honest, though, I wasn’t really blown away or anything. Her combination of features just wasn’t clicking with me, you know? In spite of that, however, I thought “I should still give her a chance. My first girlfriend didn’t click with me physically until I really got to know her. Maybe it’ll be the same this time round”.

That in mind, I decided I would ask her out. I couldn’t wait for her to ask me out, cos we had no contact other than through my friend, and even if we did, she’s shy, so she wouldn’t have made the first move anyway. This meant I was gonna have to ask her out at her work. All things considered, this was a weird situation, quite different from all the other times I’ve asked girls out (all three of them :P). It wasn’t just because I was gonna have to ask her out at work; it was due to the fact I was asking a girl out not because I had feelings for her, but because she had feelings for me. The fact there existed a girl with feelings for me was weird enough in and of itself, but this was doubly weird.

I went in with my friend one Friday hoping to ask her out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, even though I kind of already knew she was gonna say ‘yes’. At first, it was because I didn’t want to interrupt her while she was working (it’s always busy where she works), but I procrastinated too much and left it too late. Having lost the will to do it, I went home, but vowed to return the next week to do it for realzies. I knew I’d have to go in super-early, to catch her before she started working, leaving me without any excuses to make (cos we all know how good at making excuses I am :P)



Here’s where things get fuckin’ weird. Now, remember: I’ve already committed to asking this girl out. I’ve already decided that’s what I’m gonna do. And yet, this thing happened. And you’ll know exactly what the fuck it is before you get past the next paragraph :P

The Monday after my first ‘attempt’ at asking the girl out, I’m in a lecture for one of my classes. I’m sitting directly opposite the projector screen. But there are also seats facing 90° to the left and to the right; in one of those seats sits a random girl (if you have not guessed what’s gonna happen, please hit yourself, because you deserve to feel pain for being such a moron).

Now, at first, I start checking this girl out, but only because I think she’s a girl I already know from somewhere else. Incidentally, this girl I know is one I find quite sexy, even though I'm fairly sure she wouldn't reciprocate :P  Thing is, that girl doesn’t go to our uni; I know for a fact she's enrolled elsewhere. But from the side, this random girl in my class looked identical to that girl I know. She had the same skin colour, same build, same hair—it looked just like her. But I couldn’t see her face because she was in front of me, her head turned to face the projector screen, so I was unable to confirm her identity. I was confused as all hell, but I kept looking for anything—anything—that would clear this up (and, you know... cos teh hotness :P). I thought “it looks like her, but can’t be her… but it also could be her. Maybe she’s on some weird exchange program or something. But why would she come here? For this class? This isn’t an exotic subject, or even an interesting subject. It can’t be her… but it looks so much like her that I don’t see how it can be anyone else!” To top it all off, the topic for the class was knowledge: more specifically, if and when people can actually know things. MIND. FUCK.

Anyway, after class was over and people were leaving the room, I trailed behind the girl. When passing through the classroom door, she tried to put the little door-stopper thing in the door (but totally failed, as has everyone who has ever fucking tried :P). In doing so, she turned around, and I got a glimpse of her face: it was not the girl I though it was, or any other girl I already knew. It was some totally different girl.

Some totally different, totally cute, totally hot… girl…

Do you see the conundrum? I hope you do :P

I went home that afternoon feeling a happiness I hadn’t felt in a while—not in terms of volume, but in terms of category. I hadn’t had that feeling when looking at a girl for at least a year, and there it was, all over again. I didn’t even know anything about this girl from class, but I wanted to pursue her, even though I knew my chances were slim, and even though I knew I had this other commitment with the girl I met through my friend.



For the sake of simplicity, from this point onwards, girl from friend’s work = Girl A, girl from class = Girl B

It didn’t take me too long to figure out what to do. I knew full well that if Girl A was right for me, it’d become apparent when we went out and got to know each other, making Girl B irrelevant, as… tantalising as she was :P  So, even with Girl B in the picture, I still had nothing to lose and everything to gain. I thought “if it works out with Girl A, cool, I can see where things go with that. If it doesn’t work out with Girl A, no biggie: I can pursue Girl B instead, and I could still make a new friend out of Girl A anyway”. It was also a matter of 'first come, first served': I'd already committed to asking Girl A out, so I felt it would be wrong not to honour that commitment.

I went into Girl A’s work again later that week and asked her out before she started working (though I did stand there shaking like a nervous wreck for the five minutes she spent solving problems for other people before ‘officially’ beginning work). She figured I wanted to speak to her, seeing as I was hanging around her desk at a place I didn’t work at :P I asked if she’d like to go out to lunch with me, and she accepted. We exchanged numbers, and I told her I’d meet her at work so we could walk to the spot together. I was so nervous that my voice went all crackly and quiet when talking to her, so I knew that if I asked any girls out in the future, Girl B in particular, I’d have to work on my verbal confidence. That aside, I walked home feeling pretty happy about the fact that I’d asked the girl out, seeing as I hadn’t done that in a while.

I went back to the girl's work later that day to meet up with her. While waiting outside, anxiety crept into my system, making a rather permanent nest in my stomach. This wasn't anything to do with Girl B, but rather due to a simple analysis of what had happened with Girl A thus far. I knew what she looked like, and that didn't click with me; I knew some of her interests, and that didn't click with me either. All that was really left was to experience her one-on-one. It all came down to how she was as a person to talk to and bond with, as well as any extra interests she might have which I didn't know about. It was a long shot, and I didn't have my hopes up. I've never had to turn someone down before, nor have I had a 'bad date' before (even though I never specified this was a date), so I felt unprepared to deal with the situation if things went pear-shaped. In addition, the whole concept of taking someone out to eat to learn about them was totally new to me, so I was in unfamiliar territory from the get-go.

Not long after I arrived, the girl came out and said hi, then we started walking to the spot. She was more talkative than me (she might be shy, but she liked me, so this makes sense), and her presence was only making me more nervous. I was trying my best to respond to what she was saying, but it wasn't a comfortable conversation, at least not for me.

We arrived at the spot. I'd been there before, making me feel a little more at home; but she hadn't been there before, making me feel slightly more comfortable because it meant I could tell her about the place, giving me something to actually say. I went over the different items on the menu, talking about the things I'd had before, things my friends had liked, and so on. After we ordered, we started asking each other questions while we waited for our food, continuing to do so after it arrived. She was asked me more questions than I her, but that was to be expected. She was interested in what I was studying, so I was at least able to speak about something I knew about. But despite that, and despite my presence in a familiar location, I was still more rigid than I felt I should've been. I asked about her education as well, but the focus was most certainly on me as far as that topic was concerned. As for hobbies, I got onto the subject of gaming, and she said that while she does play games from time to time, she's not as into it as I am. The types of games she's into were also different to the ones I'm into. There was still enough common ground to carry the conversation for a while, but not enough to relax me.

We got onto politics at some point, a topic people usually avoid like the plague (I know I do :P). But, to my surprise, of all the discussions we had that afternoon, this one was the most fluid. Our views on politics were very similar (practically identical, really), and she was far more knowledgeable of the subject than I anticipated—not because I thought she was an idiot (her intellect was never in question), but because it just never occurred to me that she would know as much about the topic as she did. She also knows her history well (an area where I am lacking so bad :P), and would link our modern situation with those of the past. Best of all, though knowledgeable on these topics, she was never preachy or arrogant or anything; she was just able to speak about them with a fair amount of background knowledge. As awkward as parts of that meet-up were, this part was really cool, because it revealed a side of her I didn't know about, one I can admire in spite of the fact I wasn't reciprocating on a romantic level (remember: I figured I could befriend her if things didn't work out that way).

Towards the end, and as we walked back to her work, the girl got onto the subject of my comedy. She spoke very highly of my material, praising it for its cleverness and its ability to provoke introspection (which, to be fair, is something I aim for, so I'm pleased it comes across). This was also a fairly lax conversation for me—I mean, I was being commended here, so it was hard not to feel good :P  I like talking about comedy in-depth like this, going over the writing process, how I come up with ideas, how I deliver, etc, so it was a nice way to end the outing. One really stupid thing I did when I got back to her office: she said "I really enjoyed myself" or something like that, and you know what I said back? "Thank you". I'm sorry, what? Was I solely responsible for all the enjoyment she had? Did it have nothing to do with where we went, the food, or her own contributions to the conversation? No no, it was all me, all me. I obviously didn't mean it that way—it was a slip of the tongue—but still... man that was dumb :P

After she went back inside and I went to catch the bus home, I felt a little heartbroken. I'd given this girl every chance I could, but nothing clicked. As low as my expectations were given the circumstances, part of me wanted it to all work out in the end. And worst of all, I realised that I was going to have to let the girl down. I was going to have to reject her. I know first-hand how it feels to be rejected, but having to do the rejecting didn't feel as though it'd be any easier. Hell, the very reason I felt bad about having to do that was because I've been on her end of that conversation on multiple occasions, and it always sucks. There's no reasoning you can fall back on, no valid, sound argument you can make such that the other person goes "oh, that's fair enough, then". You have no choice but to remove their heart from their chest and squeeze it as hard as it can till it breaks, so it has the ability to re-form for another person in the future.

Thankfully, I haven't had to go through the whole "I'm just not interested" conversation, but I couldn't during our meet-up, because she hadn't told me herself that she liked me. I needed her to fess up to those feelings before I could destroy them. And I think it might have been better if we did have that conversation, cos I know what it's like to get the silent treatment: it just means the heart-crushing is slower and more painful. You wait and you wait and you wait, the lack of outright rejection leaving you able to say "there might be a chance!" I don't know. Maybe she's gotten over it already. I hope she has, for her sake. I'd like to be her friend, because I think we could get along and enjoy each other's company without the whole 'crush' thing lingering in the background. I also think she'd really get along with my friends, particularly my local friends, as I know they share interests.

In addition to all that, I think I might be able to set her up with another guy, too. I was telling my mum about the girl, about the outing, etc., and she too suggested I befriend the girl and keep in contact with her. While discussing that, out of nowhere, she said "she and [guy friend] would really get along". After going over that hypothetical in my mind, I replied with "...there is way more truth to that than you might realise...". And while I don't wanna throw her over to him like "here, you have a try!"—it takes time for feelings to die down, for her to be open to liking someone else (if she's anything like me, at least)—I still think it'd be really cool to see it happen. There are no guarantees, of course, but it's worth a shot, right? I'll pull some strings, see what I can do :P



So, what about Girl B? What's happening there? I don't wanna talk too much about that right now. I will say that I've asked her out, and that she said yes. But we haven't gone out just yet, so I wanna refrain from saying anymore about her until that happens.

So yeah, I somehow managed to ask two girls out in the space of six weeks. As amazingly talented as this may seem, please keep your swooning to a minimum, and refrain from asking me to run for the presidency of any country.

Goals: Meeting Them and Making Them

Hopefully my next blog article will be more... interesting ;)

Probably not, unfortunately. But the one after this, the one probably going up in about 48 hours?* Definitely gonna be interesting. I'm serious: it'll blow your fucking mind, at least if you know me personally :P 

*Change that to 'a week from now'; stuff came up, not my fault, I pwomise :P

It also feels somewhat petty to discuss what I have to discuss cos one of my other friends had someone quite close to them die, and another's been having numerous family issues (nothing huge, but still not optimal). Meanwhile, I'm over here going 'yup... everything's relatively cool over here. Nothing to complain about... nope.' I guess it sucks reading about that kind of stuff knowing that you can't really help, and that the person in question has to get through it on their own

Enough about that, though. Having been on what I suppose you could call a 'journey' of self-improvement over the last eighteen months, I think I've come pretty far. A lot of the things I wanted to achieve, I have: I've met new people, I'm more comfortable in social situations (which are also more frequent), and I'm less hesitant to act now than I was before, at least in most cases. I've come to realise that a lot of the things I set out to do have been done, so I've basically been having to make goals up as I go along. I didn't even realise this until a couple of minutes ago, to be honest—that's why I'm writing. Instead of having some master list of problems to solve in my head, I've been jotting things down sometimes and, with any luck, crossing them off sometime later.

And there are even some problems I'm solving without even realising I'm solving them. Like, the other week, I recognised someone from the games store in town, and I was like "excuse me, do you work at [store name]" and they were like "yeah, I do, actually!", and we started talking about games and stuff. Only when I got home did I realise what I'd done: I'd just talked to a stranger. Like, I talked to them first. I started that conversation.

As for new goals, one thing I've been thinking about lately is international travel. I've pondered the topic mostly because almost all my friends have gone overseas now (some on exchange through uni, some on purely personal trips). To be honest, I've never really wanted to go overseas, nor even leave my state. I don't care much for cultural tourism, at least not personally. There are no countries I'm dying to go to just so I can see their landmarks, experience their customs, eat their food (fuck that :P); there really aren't any aspects of visiting or living in another country that I wanna experience. Also, even if I did want to go to other countries or states, we've never really had the money to do that, so it's not something I've ever even had the option of doing. This is in addition to the regular 'food' and 'general scariness' objections I'd normally have to such an activity.

The thing is, given that being a stand-up comedian is a serious goal for me now, travel is, quite ironically, almost essential in moving up the latter. You can't be a comedian and perform at the same five open mics for the rest of your career; you have to go and perform for other people, lots of other people. And I think I'd be happy to travel if it was to work in that field. I'd love to go to the United States and tour around, performing at comedy clubs all over the country. To do the same in England, or even another European country with a sizeable English-speaking audience, would be pretty cool too. It's not like that's all I'd do—there are obviously some cultural things I'd engage in for each place I went to—but if I ever leave this country, the focus will almost certainly be performing stand-up.



A more achievable goal I've been thinking about is getting involved in comedy at uni, something I've mentioned on this blog several times before. People have repeatedly asked why I haven't contacted the Unibar about performing there, but I cannot bring myself to ask them for stage time when I'm the only one performing. It seems supremely arrogant to contact a bar asking if I can perform alone. My current set is five minutes long; I'm fairly sure if they're gonna put a comedian on stage, they're gonna want more than that. If there were other people willing to go up alongside me, I'd be happy for us to ask as a group, but I am literally the only person I know at that uni who does comedy in any way, shape, or form. I've also mentioned wanting to contact the student magazine offering to write satire, but haven't really done that either—I think the reason I cited for that is because each issue is about a particular theme, and I doubted any assurance on my part that I could joke about whatever theme they could throw at me.

However, if I approach this the right way, these two things (stand-up and written satire) might lead into one another. Let's say I contacted the student mag about writing satire (or just comedic stuff in general), and they took me on board, allowing me to write stuff; let's also say that, generally speaking, students actually liked my content. That would allow me to make a name for myself through a medium which already has an established audience. I can then use that success to go "hey, find my writing funny, I also do stand-up!" and either advertise an upcoming gig, or better still, trial a stand-up performance at uni itself. People will already have some idea of who I am, and (assuming success with the writing) people will like what I do, potentially wanting to see more. Bingo: I have a student audience for my stand-up! Hooray :)  I wouldn't want to use the writing position just to advance my stand-up, as the writing experience would be rewarding in and of itself, a good way to branch out and try something new; but it does have the added bonus of potentially fulfilling another goal of mine.

There are legitimate fears on my part that have lead me to hesitate, potential outcomes I truly dread having to face as either a writer or a performer in the public eye. These aren't flippant excuses for not making more of an effort to get in touch with people; these are things I've thought about to the point of feeling depressed and/or crying (though the latter is a rarity—if I react negatively to these thoughts, I usually just feel blue). While I don't shy away from discussing ethical, political, and religious issues in my act, I don't want people to misinterpret my jokes for any sort of activism. However staunchly I may put forward an argument or defend a position, at the end of the day, they're just jokes. I don't want to be mistaken for an activist, or even someone who thinks he's super clever, cos I'm neither of those things. It's not like I believe I'm immune to criticism or anything; I just don't want to get involved in public disputes with people, or become someone who's explicitly asked to debate topics cos I'm well-known or perceived as knowledgeable. I'm happy to plant seeds of doubt and stimulate discussion, but in-depth examination of issues should be left to people who aren't complete fuckwits, AKA people who aren't me.

I also don't want to be in class and have the teacher or some student go "hey, Liam talks about stuff like this on stage! What do you think?" Dude, if I was willing to talk in class, I'd have done so by this point. Leave me the fuck alone to sit here in peace until class ends. I also really really don't want assholes walking up to me while I'm walking to class or hanging with friends, or at any other time, berating me for shit I've said or written cos they're offended or whatever. I don't wanna hear it, cos I don't fucking care :P

I still think it'd be a good thing overall, though, to get involved with that. I dunno if it'll actually happen—maybe the uni mag already has a satirist (I don't read the thing... I should probably read the thing :P), or maybe they aren't looking for one—but if it does happen, it should be worth it, despite the risks.

Noms and Talking

I went to my best friend's 21st this evening. It was a really good night: nothing went wrong, and I only felt uncomfortable when it came time to eat, which is the norm.

The food thing is actually the first topic I wanna discuss. I know there's a lot of food I find disgusting even though other people find delicious, and I know it's largely an issue of perspective and psychology, but I swear to god, some things are so repulsive that I can't imagine why I'd ever want to eat them. The birthday was at a steakhouse, so it's no surprise that people were eating steak. The person next to me ordered steak, so I got to see up close what it looked and smelled like. It was not good. It was not good at all. It didn't look very appetising, but meat products never have for me. It's just gross. It's not a moral concern on my part (I don't think I could give any less of a fuck about animals if I tried :P); it's purely a reaction to the textures I'm seeing.

Worse still was the smell: it smelt horrible! It smelt so fucking bad! Every time he cut into it, it let out this... wretched, repulsive odour. And I smelled it repeatedly: it didn't get better the more I smelled it. It was just terrible. This didn't ruin my evening, don't get me wrong--I wasn't freaking out or anything. I was just blown away by the magnitude of awful that meal smelled of. While I don't eat bread, fruit, or vegetables, those things at least look decent, and smell kinda nice. Certain types of bread can smell awesome, and fruit can look pretty tasty at times, even if I am averse to actually eating it. Meat though? Pretty much the worst fucking thing ever right now. Bacon looks and smells awful, beef looks and smells awful, chicken looks and smells awful... I'm seeing a pattern here :P I don't think I'll ever eat any dead animals. And I know that's OK, but it does mean that even if my eating habits do improve, I still have to be that fussy cunt who won't eat stuff :P

Also, this is relevant, and has the potential to be extremely relevant, for reasons I can't quite bring up yet. Argh :P

Anyway, that aside, let's look at the social side of things. It was pretty comfortable! I mean, I was surrounded by my friends, and it's my best friend's party, so obviously I'm gonna have all the funz. But it was easier than I would normally expect such an outing to be. On the way there, someone in the car said they were nervous about meeting new people. I wasn't nervous at all--like, I just wasn't. New people usually freak me out, but I honestly had no issue. I actually wanted to meet the new people, cos they've always sounded like amicable folks (and they were :D), so I wasn't nervous at all about meeting them for the first time, even though I never had before. I seem to be getting a lot better around people I don't know. And granted, the things I'm really scared of (cold introductions) weren't going to happen, so my worst fears couldn't possibly be realised. But I still managed to talk and joke with one of the new people (the other one wasn't too talkative, which is fair enough given he knew hardly anyone at the party), which is above and beyond what I normally expect of myself. I was never uncomfortable for any social reason, and I do mean never. I even pitched in and did one of the 'hip hip's when we were singing Happy Birthday and the person who originally said "hip hip" didn't quite commit to saying it three times. I never say 'hip hip'! Holy shit, dude! Come to think of it, I never even thought about potential social awkwardness, much less experienced it. Progress :D

The only thing I think I could've done better with is thinking of more elaborate ways to describe what I've been up to, seeing as that's such a common question at these things. I don't wanna bang on and on about stuff, but sometimes, I get home after going to an event, and think "man, I could've answered that question in more depth". It's also kinda hard when the person I'm talking to doesn't ask follow up questions, cos then the only way to keep going is to bang on and on, but what can you do, right?

So yeah, I had heaps of fun. Hopefully my next blog article will be more... interesting ;)

Bombardment: It's All Happening at Once

There are so many things I could write about right now. There are two things in particular, two closely related things, that I'd love to write about, but I really can't, at least not yet. I also don't really want to splurge all the info onto the internet where anyone can read it—a synopsis, perhaps, but not every last detail. The two situations do conflict with each other, and one situation is definitely going to be difficult to deal with, but I think that one's more likely to go well in the long run. The other situation is up in the air, though, with any luck, it will be slightly clearer within a few days. I can't talk about either situation in any more detail than that without risking the dissemination of info that may compromise either one (even if such a compromise is extremely unlikely). I've talked with my best friend about it all, so it's not something I can't talk about or don't want to talk about, but I don't want it out in public, and I don't think it needs to be out in public either, really. You may hear about each situation later on in some detail, but certainly not yet. All I can really say for now is that both situations have surprised me and have led me to do things I'd usually be scared of doing—I'm definitely making progress :)

Something I can talk about is an event the uni gaming society held recently. The event was basically a console event where people could bring their own consoles to play with, as well as play on the uni's consoles. Unfortunately, it was not very well timed (right before the Easter long weekend), nor was it very well advertised, so the event only had about twelve people down as guests, myself included. I was excited nonetheless, as I love bringing my hardware to play with people.

I originally wanted to being my Wii U, my Nintendo 64, and my monitor to use as a TV, as well as all the controllers for each one. The N64 controllers are oddly shaped and bulky as all hell, while the Wii U has so many different controllers and peripherals that it's difficult to get them all into a bag. And I was gonna have to carry all this stuff by myself: I have no licence, much less a car to drive. I ended up ditching the N64 because my monitor doesn't support composite input, which would've meant having to bring my DVD recorder to convert the composite signal to a component signal just so I could hook it up to the screen. Fuck carrying a huge-ass box just to convert a signal :P

I eventually settled on just bringing the Wii U and the monitor. To give you an idea of just how many peripherals the Wii U has (and I don't even own all the different types, mind you :P), it took two laptop bags to hold everything. I could've stuffed it all into the bigger bag, but I risked tearing the bag due to overstuffing or the sheer weight of it all. I then put the bags over my shoulder and carried the monitor in my hands to the bus stop. The monitor isn't light, either; it's an older LCD panel, and it has built-in speakers, so it's bulky compared to newer screens. It was so heavy that when I got to the bus stop and put it down, my arms felt like they weren't there. But I did it! My puny-ass muscles carried that sonofabitch for ten minutes without putting it down once.

I eventually got to uni with my stuff and went to the TV area, where the uni's consoles are. There weren't any tables set up or anything, so I was kinda confused. They were holding a PC event on the same day, so I went and spoke to them, and eventually, a few people showed up to organise the console dealie. I was given a table and a powerboard, so I set my stuff up while they got CoD and Halo running on the uni TV's. There were only one or two other people there for the event when it started (compared to the PC event which had about ten people there when I walked in the room), but I figured more would show up as the day went on.

Even though I feared a low turnout, I figured I should put 4 seats in front of the TV, so others could sit down with me. I'd brought hardware to previous gaming meet-ups and had almost no one play with me, and I figured putting seats there might increase the chances of some multiplayer happening, even if the chances of that were low. Turns out that was the best decision I made all day, cos people did show up and did play with me! Hooray! It was mainly the same people for most of the day, but some people dropped in later on, dropping out when they had to leave. I think I ended up playing with about six other people, mainly playing Smash Bros., but also playing some Mario Kart. I'm not really into Smash, but everyone else there seems to really like it (and I do mean everyone :P) so as a good host, I obliged. One guy even had a Gamecube controller in his bag, like it's something he just has with him at all times just in case there's a game of Smash happening :P

And not only did people play on my console, people pretty much only played on my console—I don't think there were many people, if any, who played CoD or Halo on the other TV's, at least not for very long. The TV room was deserted, while I had people playing with me the entire time I was there, save for the first ten minutes after I set stuff up. Granted, Smash Bros. is a crowd pleaser (as I said, everyone seems to fucking love it for some reason :P), but I was surprised I managed to draw everyone so successfully.

Also, it was way more successful on a social level than the meet-up thing I went to earlier in the term. I was never nervous, I conversed with people, I learned some names, and I think I did fairly well at managing the games and the hardware, making sure everyone had what they needed and everything. It became a little difficult later on as the group got bigger, cos it seemed like everyone there knew each other and I was the odd one out, but I was never totally excluded or anything. I didn't really make any new friends, but I made way more of an impression this time round, so perhaps if they do another console thing, or any other gaming thing, I'll recognise them (or they'll recognise me) and it can go from there. It made carting all that shit there totally worth it :D

Getting home was a bit annoying cos after I packed everything up, it started raining, which eventually turned into a thunderstorm. If there's one thing you don't wanna be doing in a rainy thunderstorm, it's carrying a fucking monitor :P  Thankfully, I had a plastic poncho (an aptly named 'emergency poncho') to wrap the monitor up in, so I was good there. While I waited for the rain to subside a bit so I could get to the bus stop without getting totally drowned, one of the gaming society representatives apologised for the poor organisation and said that he hoped the next one would be better (as I said, shit timing + no advertising = ghost town). I hope so too.

If there's one other thing I'd be willing to bitch about, it'd be the relative lack of interest in Mario Kart. Not that it's anyone's fault—no one's obliged to be interested in Mario Kart. It's just that I love Mario Kart, in the same way that all the others seem to love Smash: I play it all the time, I know it back-to-front, I get competitive, and I like fierce competition. There just doesn't seem to be a community for it at uni. They have a Mario Kart tourney at the annual convention they hold, and it does draw people, but the Smash community is so big that they have their own separate meet-ups and everything. I'd love to cultivate more interest in Mario Kart if I could, but I don't really know if I can. I'd be more than happy to bring along hardware, organise tourneys, play different versions each time, or even play different racing games alongside Mario Kart if people wanted. But if the interest isn't there, then it won't happen. Oh well.

Introductions: What Do?

So I went to the meet-and-greet thing held by the gaming association at my uni. Things went pear-shaped before I even arrived cos it turns out I wrote the time down incorrectly on my calendar, thus showing up half-an-hour after the thing started. I didn't think I'd missed anything important, though.

When I got there, I walked into the room the people were in and saw them setting up some TV's and consoles. There were some people on laptops playing MMO's, but most people there seemed to be console folk, which is what I am, at least mostly. I do play PC games alongside console games, but the PC folk in the organisation seem to mainly focus on League of Legends and DOTA, two games I could not possibly give less of a fuck about :P  Console-wise, they were setting up for a Smash Bros. tourney, which wasn't too surprising. Smash is one of those games I do play, but only casually. These people, though... definitely not casuals :P  There's a fairly active competitive scene in the group, it seems. Fighting games just aren't my thing, so I couldn't get in on that.

But alas, what's that I hear? "Mario Kart's set up over here, guys!" Mario Kart? That's my jam! I'm totally up for some Mario Kart right about now! Fuck yes, let's go play Mario Kart. They had Mario Kart 64 set up on a projector screen, away from the Smash Bros peeps, but still in the same room. I walk on over and pick up a controller, along with three other people.

The fact that it was Mario Kart 64 makes things a little odd. Most people haven't picked up a Nintendo 64 controller in fuckin' ages; I, on the other hand, have one sitting in my entertainment unit cos I wuv it ^_^  Most people haven't played any iteration of Mario Kart in a long time, much less one that came out in 1996; I haven't played it in a while either, but I've played it so much that I know it like the back of my own hand regardless. On one hand, this is good: people were asking what the controls were, and I was answering each time, cos I was seemingly the only one who knew. Any time a question about the game came up, I could answer with confidence, cos, as I said, this is my jam right here. It gave me a chance to talk, which was invaluable at the time. On the other hand, I knew in advance that because they didn't even know the controls, much less anything else about the game, I wasn't gonna face any stiff competition. The reason that's bad is because when one person wins a game over and over again, it can make the others feel kinda shitty. It's not like I wanna rub it in people's faces that I'm good at the game, but I'm not gonna go easy on people cos that's fuckin' patronising. Thankfully, people seemed to have fun regardless, and I was too! It was a little awkward cos I didn't know the people playing with me, but it didn't matter. Good times were had :)

It's weird, though: they have a huge competitive Smash scene, yet there's not one person there who's into Mario Kart like I am, at least not to my knowledge. This must be fixed :P



Anyway, once people left Mario Kart, I went to watch the Smash tourney which was under way. At this point, I should clarify that I haven't really 'introduced' myself to anyone, not formally. No one there knows who I am, no one knows my name; I'm truly anonymous at this stage (though I am not legion, and I forget shit all the time). Everyone else, however, seemed to know at least one other person there. People were speaking to each other, clearly because they already know each other. I, on the other hand, was just... there. And granted, Smash isn't something I'm into like these people, but I watched anyway cos it's still fun to see players exhibit skill, even if I don't fully understand the mechanics of what they're doing. It didn't matter, though, cos I still felt awkward, like I didn't quite belong (go away Year 12 English no one likes you >.<). I didn't know what to say—what was there even to say? What the hell am I supposed to put forward when there's nothing to be said? The awkwardness was starting to take its toll on me, and self-confidence was fleeting, especially compared to how I was doing when playing Mario Kart.



Not long after the Smash tourney finished, they started a Halo 3 tourney. I haven't played Halo in ages, but I know I'm not totally awful at it, so I enter. They're holding this one in a totally different area, so I go there with the others. Once I get there, though I'm in a different room, the environment is identical: people who already know each other speaking with one another, while I'm there along not able to join in. I'm also nervous at this point cos I'm waiting for my name to be called for whichever round I'm in, not wishing to make things difficult for the organisers by missing my round (which always happens at these fuckin' things, cos people are all over the joint playing multiple things at once :P).

Anyway, as they played, I sat and watched. As I watched the first round, I started to feel more dejected as I realised that while this is supposed to be a meet-and-greet, I had neither met nor greeted anyone for the entire time I'd been there. I'd spoken to people, that's true—I haven't stayed in my shell and avoided people or anything—but I hadn't made any lasting impressions. I haven't shaken anyone's hand, or told anyone my name (apart to sign up for the tourney), or learned about anyone new. I eventually played my round of Halo, somehow managing to win (my opponents seemed about as unfamiliar with the game as me, lol), but I hardly opened my mouth the entire round.

Eventually, pizza arrived, so everyone flocked to get some. I thought "well, going over there isn't gonna do you any favours, cos you'll just be asked over and over again a) if you'd like any food, and b) why your answer to that question is 'no' :P". So I stayed in the console area. I felt shitty at this point: although I didn't expect to meet a bajillion people or befriend people instantaneously, I did expect to at least learn some names and chat a little bit. I didn't think it was much to ask of myself, but it evidently was.

I felt much the same as I played the final round of Halo with the people who'd won the other rounds. I only cracked, like, one joke the whole time—Mario Kart Wii was on in the background, the menu music playing at full blast, so I was like "this is my favourite song from the Halo 3 soundtrack". And even then, I thought of that joke five-to-ten minutes before I told it, cos I was so goddamn nervous the whole time. I said hardly anything during the match itself, save for the odd expletive whenever I got killed. After that was over, we played a few more rounds for fun, but we eventually had to leave cos the janitor wanted to lock the place up. As I walked home, I didn't regret going or anything, but I was a little disappointed at myself.

And you know how I said I arrived half-an-hour late, and didn't think I'd missed anything important? Their event page said people should arrive early so they can meet and greet people. The 'meet-and-greet' part formally ended before I even got there. While that doesn't mean it was impossible to meet other people while I was there, the part they put aside specifically for that—the part where it would have been easy to meet people—was the one part I missed. God fucking damnit :P



I've said it before, and I'll say it again: introductions are a cunt of a thing for me. They are a peak to which I simply cannot ascend. What's bizzare is that everything after that point is so easy now! It's not a cakewalk, but it's way easier than it was before, that's for sure. Last year, I wrote about how I met a guy in a tutorial at uni at one of those 'talk to the person next to you' dealies that teachers like to spring on you in the first class of the semester. I usually dread these things, and this was no exception. But as soon as turned to my left, learned his name, told him mine, and shook his hand, the awkwardness was almost entirely gone. I could actually talk to him, and listen to him, and joke with him. A year or two ago, that wouldn't have happened, at least not so quickly. So I've clearly made progress on the social front. Problem is, there are still parts of it where I've made no progress.

Basically, if you presented the process of a friendship on a timeline, the beginning being introductions, and the end being its developed form, I've worked my way from the middle outwards. The stuff on the far-end (being really close to someone, having a best friend, etc.) has come along nicely, and the stuff towards the beginning (talking to people I've only just met, being around strangers, etc.) is also getting easier and easier. But the very beginning of the timeline—meeting people—is still uncharted. There's that small bit between not knowing someone at all, and having started talking to them, which I just can't grasp. It's not something I'm not good at; it's something I can't do it at all. I can't even picture myself doing it.



As hopeless as I may have felt at certain points during the evening, I'd still like to get involved with these guys, particularly on the organisation side of things. Part of me doesn't want to disturb them cos they already have a body of people organising stuff for consoles, but I have my own ideas I'd like to put forward. Like, I'd love to host a Mario Kart: Double Dash!! tourney sometime, purely because it's Mario Kart with co-op. My best friend and I play it together (I drive, she shoots), and it's hella fun. And I've watched tourneys online with teams of two competing against each other: shit gets hectic. I think it'd be interesting enough to gain traction, but not so different that it alienates people. And on top of all that, people will have to team up, so it'd be a good way to get people meeting other people, provided the teams were random. There are a few other games I think would be good to play in tourneys (Timesplitters, Mario Party, Tetris Party/NullpoMino), as well as some games that'd be good to try in any format cos they're just different (Nintendo Land, Boom Street, Fibbage). How bizzare: I suck at introducing people myself, but I can easily come up with ways for other people to meet each other :P

And I know it's strange to want to take the initiative required to organise things, while not having the initiative required to introduce myself to people (at least not without the held of a third party), but I can see myself organising this shit. I can imagine it. I've gone over explaining the rules for Double Dash!! heaps of times in my head just for the fun of it, to find the most efficient way to explain how it works. I can picture sitting beside a group playing Boom Street, explaining all the intricacies of the game. And the reason for that is because at that point, I'd have already been introduced to them. I'm not 100% sure how I can offer these ideas to them, seeing as I have no idea how their internal structure works, but I want to find a way, believe me. They also do games each week on Tuesday afternoons, which is fucking perfect cos I have a huge break on Tuesdays. Maybe then I'll find some more Mario Kart people :P

Also, if I had trouble meeting people at an event full of gamers, full of people like me, how hard will it be for me to meet people at events outside my comfort zone? That was one of the main reasons why I felt the way I did: cos I knew that if this was hard, anything more difficult than this would be fucking brutal. I can't picture myself meeting people at bars, clubs, parties, etc. either. Ironically, the one thing I can picture is meeting a girl, cos you can just look at one and tell if they reciprocate pretty much immediately by their reaction. I can picture myself looking at a girl dancing, having her smile or something, and walking up to her—even though it seems more dangerous, at least the process there is clear and makes sense. The process for all other introductions, however, is beyond me.

And that's what it is: it's a process. You intake the variables of the environment and the people, you process them, and you decide how to act. Sociable people and extroverts do this without even thinking about it, cos they've had a lot of practice. There is a process; I just don't know what it is. There is a socially acceptable way to do what I want to do here; I'm just not aware of it. Cos it's not like I'm sitting there wanting to isolate myself—I want to introduce myself to people, and I know it's not immoral or anything, but it never feels right. For the whole evening at the gaming meet-up, it just never felt appropriate to say anything. I hope I can find out why that is, cos I think that's key to making progress.

Blither-blather about gobbeldy gook

So, uni's back now. I have readings up the butt. Soooo many readings.

With regard to social possibilities, it's all over the place. On the plus side, the gaming society's having a meet-and-greet on the Wednesday after I perform (which I'll write about when the competition ends, at least for me :P). So that means I'll get to meet people and have something unique to talk about--pretty fuckin' good!

On the minus side, the other group I was considering, PhilSoc, only meet on Mondays, and the time they meet is during a tutorial I have. This tutorial is the most evil of all the tutorials I have ever enrolled in: it turned a 7 hour day with 5 hours of classes into a 7 hour day with 7 hours of classes in a fucking row. Fuck that shit. I've done 7-hour grinds before; by the end of it, you're barely able to process anything. I had to pick this tute because another subject I enrolled in was cancelled, and this was the only tute left because it was way past the time when tutes are organised. So along with making my Monday even more of a drainer than it already was, it's also prevented me from even being able to see what PhilSoc does. Thanks a lot, lone-wolf tutorial, you asshat.

But that may not be the only issue. Let's say for the sake of argument that there were no schedule conflicts, and that I could attend the meet-ups. This is what I originally thought, as I only discovered the correct dates for their activities moments ago. So what was the issue I faced before?

To explain that, I have to explain my studies. As far as I can tell, studying philosophy at uni can be split up into two sections: the content, and the process. The content is the arguments themselves and the philosophers they come from: what they argue for, their strengths, their weaknesses, their motives, the implications, etc. This is the stuff usually covered in lectures. The process is about how a student deals with arguments: deconstructing them, identifying and rectifying flaws, as well as making their own arguments and putting them forth in a discussion setting. This is what you deal with in tutes; it's also the reason why I don't like tutes. And seeing as PhilSoc meetings will have a similar discussion format (they seem to have a half-hour seminar followed by a half-hour discussion in smaller groups), it doesn't seem like the most appealing thing in the world.

I usually feel uncomfortable in philosophy tutes because I'm never sure of my own ideas, and thus live in constant fear of being asked to talk. It sounds weird coming from someone whose dream is to stand in front of hundreds of people only so he can spout his ideas at them, but the reasoning behind each activity is different. In comedy, I'm dealing with issues for laughs; accuracy can be important, but isn't the be all and end all. So long as you're funny, you're usually fine. In philosophy, being convincing is all that matters. Just cos I can make people laugh doesn't mean I can change their minds, nor does it mean I'm right about anything; it just means I can be funny. When I'm in tutes, I prefer to just listen and absorb--and if such passivity were permissible, I'd be totally comfortable in tutes. But no: you're expected to talk. Of course, this is the only way the tutor can assess you in tutes, so the thoughts I'm having in my head, as relevant as they may be, can't be assessed (I do think of things; I just don't say them). That's my fault, though, not the tutor's, so I don't care much.

So if I don't like tutes, why would I like PhilSoc seminars, given the discussion element? Well, for one thing, they're optional. Tutes, on the other hand, are mandatory. I'm not 100% sure if you can simply listen in during the talks rather than contributing, but it seems to be that if you make the effort to show up, people would expect you to talk anyway, cos choosing to attend implies a strong interest in the subject, and thus a strong inclination to participate. And I'm usually more inclined to do things when I don't have a metaphorical gun to the back of my head, which might help. Also, the group is aimed at students who don't necessarily study philosophy, so high-level skills aren't expected, and the topics also seem simpler and more general than those tackled in my classes. That may facilitate my talking in that it takes less time for me to do the analysis required to come up with something worth saying. But that's a maybe.

All in all, I'm not too disappointed that I can't go. I would go if I could, particularly cos the topics sound really interesting and appealing. Most of the topics I see in my subject outlines produce indifference on my part, with the occasional 'oh god, that's gonna be hard as fuck'; but these topics sound intriguing, like "What Makes a Good Philosopher"... well, what does? I don't know! And I'd like to know. I also can't really know the format of the meetings until I actually go; it may be nothing like my classes at all, so I must reserve judgement. Perhaps I'll go next semester! But I at least have the gaming stuff, which, while safer, is better than nothing.

Gotta go practice stand-up now; the RAW semi-finals are imminent. Toodles :)

Anxiety: Inverse

First off, something totally unrelated to what I'm gonna talk about below. In the previous entry, I mentioned an ever-increasing desire to hook up with a girl, because I wanted to experience what it felt like (as opposed to because I wanna sleep around regularly; I might hook up once and not do it again cos the curiosity's gone, you never know). I spoke about it as if my immediate desire to hook up had superceded my long-term desire to have a steady relationship—and it had, to be honest—but not long after I published that entry, I had a small internal dialogue:

...dude, what about cuddling?
Cuddling? Yeah, what about it?
Isn't it that thing you go on and on about every single fucking time you talk about going out with a girl? You mention it all the time——
Oh yeah! Cuddling! Holy shit, how could I forget that?
I know, right! And hand-holding?
Yyeeaahh, hand-holding! Man, that takes me back.
And that thing where you're dancing, looking each other in the eyes, and your arms go around her waist, and hers go around your neck, and you start kissing each other?
...isn't that something you only see in movies?
Well maybe, but it's still cute as fuck, right?
Oh yeah yeah, it's awesome. Seriously, what made me forget all this shit?
Your dick.

I basically forgot how much I enjoyed the physical side to my former relationship, and how much I'm looking forward to expanding on that the next time I'm dating. Hook-up sex appeals to me cos its spontaneous, it's quick and dirty, really 'in-the-moment', and that's definitely still enticing to me. But if I'm dating a girl, one I have feelings for (otherwise, why would I be dating her?), I'll want to be romantically intimate with her infinitely more than I'll want to be sexually intimate with any other woman.

Whether I first have sex via a one-night-stand or via dating, I still get mostly the same base experience: impressing girl, seeing naked girl, touching naked girl, having naked girl touch me, and having us sexually satisfy each other The only difference is the contexts in which these experiences occur. I think the hook-up context is sexier cos it's more of an "I wanna fuck you right now" rather than "yeah, eventually making love to you would be really sweet". It'd also feel more dangerous and thrilling cos I'd be fucking a stranger rather than a girl I'd been seeing for a while, and I'd feel more triumphant in convincing a girl to sleep with me cos I have less faith in my sex appeal & flirting ability than I do in my personality and conversational skills. But making love, being an expression of heartfelt desire rather than mere lust, will feel probably feel just as intense in its own way (and, with any luck, I'll get to do it over and over again rather than just once :P)

I don't know why it took me this many paragraphs to say "it really doesn't matter inside whom my dick goes first, so long as the girl in question wants it inside her", but there you have it :P  It'll be fun and exciting either way, and I'll probably get to experience both during my lifetime, content with whichever one comes my way as it does. Hopefully this subject can now come up less often in blogs, cos I talk about it a llloooottt and it's probably boring to most people reading :P

It's also relevant to me right now for a reason I'm not gonna bring up yet—and trust me, it's not what you think it is ;)



So, onto the main entry. I've had to deal with a little bit of anxiety lately, just little patches of it here and there. Anxiety about social things is a background issue for me, I guess. It used to be a foreground issue, because would directly stop me from taking risks and making social progress. Now it's more of a side-effect of actually taking said risks: after doing so, I can sometimes panic about what people's reactions will be, or if they'll react at all. I suppose it's because if I consider a possible outcome for an action, I usually follow it as far down the logical path as I can. And it's not like all the possible outcomes are good; they can be good, but they're usually bad. It's not such an issue that I think I need professional help or medication or anything, but it's definitely a thing I deal with from time to time.

Like a few days ago, I sent out invites for a meet-up in town to about six people. By the end of the day, I'd only got responses from two people, one of whom was the one who gave me the idea to set the event up in the first place. Simultaneously, I know that everyone's seen the invite, cos it says so right at the bottom of the message box. That kind of shit messes with my head, cos it leaves me wondering if I've pissed people off by sending the invites with too little notice, or if what I've suggested isn't fun or interesting.

I get that people may not immediately know if they can go, but I'm not wanting confirmation of availability so much as I'm wanting confirmation of interest. A simple " I'll let you know if I can go later on" would do wonders, fucking seriously. I don't wanna ask people for anymore than basic politeness, but to me, confirming interest is an act of politeness. It's a sentence, a mere sentence; it takes no more time to type that than it does to read the message. When people only respond the night before, the interim has me worried that people simply don't give a shit. And that's when the anxiety hits: when I come to the (false) conclusion that, no, what I've offered isn't really that enticing. Likewise, when people do respond, I get really happy and glad that I made the effort and organised what shall become a fun meet-up; that long-run reward is basically what's kept me doing this for as long as I have. But sometimes, that initial silence is more painful than seems reasonable.

Similarly, I left a comment on a friend's blog sometime ago—one of her relatives is going through a very tough time right now, which is hard on her too, so I figured I'd write something nice to try and cheer her up. I know full well I can't fix anything or comfort her for any extended period of time cos I'm too far removed from the situation (and it'd be rude to do so anyway cos it's none of my business), but I still wanted to at least try and make her feel a little better. I enjoy reading her replies when she gives them, cos we don't speak often and her perspective usually helps me evaluate my own, but I forgot to tick the little "notify" box which actually tells you when you get a reply (it really should be ticked by default imo). So I went back to check the post manually a few times, to see if she'd said anything. She hadn't, so I went on with whatever else I was doing. I checked again today for the hell of it (we've both previously delayed comments & replies for days at a time), and to my surprise, my comment was gone.

Comments don't disappear by themselves, not to my knowledge; and I'm 99.9% sure I wrote and posted this comment in real life, rather than posting in a dream (cos I totally dream about leaving comments on Blogger :P), or forgetting to click the 'post' button. So my first thought was "oh, it's been deleted". But why would she delete it? It's not like I said anything malicious or invasive. So then I'm left wondering if she thought it was insincere, like I wrote the comment with some ulterior motive, the comment being deleted so she didn't have to read my bullshit. It may also have been similar to some other comment I'd left previously (I vaguely remember commenting about her sick relative but honestly can't remember what I said). Now we're entering Conspiracy-Theory Land! What evidence is there of such deletion? None. Could've been an accident for all I know; it's happened before. And going through my emails, her responses to my comments are never vitriolic or hateful—they've pretty much always been nothing but kind and supportive—so it would be completely out of character for her to trash my comment in a blind rage.

I also worry about bringing this up here (or mentioning her, or other specific people, at all on this blog sometimes) and fear being seen as obsessive over something trivial, which may look suspicious. Basically, very fork in the chain of causation has the potential to lead to paranoia. It's really silly. I'm better at dealing with it now than I ever have been, because it's shorter lived than it previously was, and the types of anxiety attacks where I have to get out of my seat and walk around for an hour are so rare that I can't remember the last time it even happened.



Oddly, I don't get anxious about things that a lot of people do get anxious about. Public speaking would be the most obvious example—as nervous as I might be before I speak, once I'm up there, I'm fine. For most other people, though, it scares them shitless. And I totally understand why: who wants to fuck up in front of a group of people who are all paying attention to you at once? No one! People fear stumbling over words, speaking too quickly, appearing nervous, forgetting what to say, not getting laughs if they tell a joke. And those aren't stupid things to fear cos any one of those things can feel really embarrassing! I mean, does any audience really give a fuck if you have to start a sentence again? No, not really. But that doesn't mean you don't feel judged when you do so; it just means you're mistaken. And perhaps realising you're mistaken (or at least that you can be mistaken) is part of alleviating stage-fright, because you learn that, no, the first negative conclusion you jump to in your head about what the audience thinks of you isn't necessarily what they're actually thinking. It's still bad to forget lines or talk too quickly, but it's not the massive blunder people think it is; you just keep going. Maybe improvise a line if it's appropriate, but don't dwell on it. The audience basically cares as much as you let them care, so give them something else to think about: your next sentence.

I guess I wanna transfer that mindset to my everyday life more consistently: acknowledging mistakes, but also recognising when I make automated deductions based on fear rather than evidence, particularly when the evidence directly contradicts the theory put forth by fear. I dunno how common this is, so I've no clue if people can relate to my specific anxiety 'triggers' (for lack of a better word), but I'm sure people can relate to anxiety in general cos I don't think anyone's 100% immune to it.

Socialness: All the Things!

Shit's crazy right now, yo. Lots has happened over the past few months.

Starting at mid-January, I went to see a play last week that a friend was in. It's cool that meet-ups with the out-of-town group (for lack of a better name) are becoming more common. I'm really settled in now—there are a few times where I'm like "...what the hell are you guys even talking about >.>", but it's less and less common each time we congregate.

Seeing the play also spawned a little nostalgia trip: it reminded me of high school Drama class, and the school plays I was in. I miss that shit; it was so goddamn fun. Drama was my favourite class by a mile. I don't think uni has anything resembling 'school plays' which random students can audition for, but if they did, I would totally go for that. I was never terribly good at acting—I'm not the best at convincing an audience I'm somebody else—but performing is always fun as hell. Who knows, maybe I'll end up writing a fucking play someday :P



Next big thing: I had a sleepover! Seven people stayed at my house. Seven people. I've never had any people sleepover at my place, much less seven! But it was soooooo fffuuuuunnnn! There weren't any moments where it wasn't fun; literally the entire thing was amazing. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but seriously, nothing went wrong! Two people had to stay an extra night due to trackwork, but that wasn't hard to deal with at all.

We played games all weekend: Nintendo Land, Mario Kart, Smash Bros. U, Drawful, Fibbage, Word Spud, Boom Street... soooo many gggaammmeeess ^_^  And when it got too uncomfortable to play games (and it did a few times, due to the heat and humidity), we just watched Daria and The IT Crowd instead. I know a lot of people think playing games is anti-social, and it can be, but couch multiplayer is anything but anti-social. Couch multiplayer is just like playing a sport without moving: you team up, you trash talk, you celebrate successful co-operation, you bitch and moan when you get trounced. Don't sit there and tell me that's anti-social, cos it fucking isn't :P  One guy was playing on his phone a lot, but he's super shy, so I can relate to that—everyone needs their space, you know? But apart from that, we were bonding pretty much the whole time, even coming up with more in-jokes during the usual 'we're-in-bed-but-not-going-to-sleep-yet' chatting that always happens at these things.

We went to the beach too, and built this kick-ass sandcastle:

(correction: they built the sandcastle; I built the shapeless blob of sand next to it :P)

It was just so cool to have everything go so well for my first sleepover. The only thing that really went wrong was a few people not being able to show up, as well as a few people not getting back to me at all. I'm finding that to be a bit of a pain in the ass: people not replying when I invite them to stuff. I don't expect people to reply instantaneously; obviously, people need time to figure out whether they can attend things or not. Even if you respond the day before, that's fine, no biggie! But when you don't respond at all, or you say you're coming but then don't, that is incredibly fucking annoying. The invites went out a month before; there's no excuse for not replying except being lazy or inconsiderate. I don't hate the people who didn't get back to me, but I do hate their behaviour.

I'd like to host another one soon, but the next two will be organised by other people, and it's better to pass the burden around to multiple people rather than hog the glory of hosting all the time. I'm definitely gonna do it again, though! Everyone enjoyed themselves, and I had heaps of fun getting everything set up, even if it did mean carrying a TV, a PC, and several games consoles in and out of my house eight times in four days, plugging/unplugging everything each time :P



In more recent news, my best friend got back from Europe, and she came to see me a few days ago. Catching up with someone you haven't seen in a long time is always so cathartic: it's an incessant flow of stories and happiness. I remember seeing an old friend of mine from high school last year, and we were laughing before she'd even crossed the street to say hello. I don't know what the hell was so funny, but we laughed anyway :P  But it was awesome to have my closest friend back. We've already organised to see each other at uni once a week to chill and play games, so I'm looking forward to that regular interaction :)



As for future social thingies, apart from random stuff with my local group and sleepovers with the out-of-town group, there's not too much happening. The gaming association at my uni is hosting more regular meet-ups, and I'd like to go to them, but the last meet-up they held was on a day where I went to an open mic, and the next one is another day where I'll be performing. Seriously, events are always conflicting with each other for me; it's quite annoying :P  But if I can eventually hang with them and play some games, I might meet some new peeps.

There is still that part of me which wants to do things totally out of my comfort zone. I read about a friend of mine skinny dipping and was like "wow, that actually sounds... pretty cool." And that sounds weird for someone who's never been naked in front of somebody, but it doesn't sound that daunting. For starters, I've done more embarrassing shit on-stage in front of hundreds of people. When you take to the stage in a diaper and pretend to ejaculate from a baby bottle... your dignity becomes ready for just about anything you throw at it :P  And secondly, you'd be in the water most of the time, so it's not like anyone can see your junk unless you're out of the water, so who gives a fuck, right? It might be a bit scary, but if I have the chance to see some boobs, I'm in. I feel like the kind of people who skinny dip probably wouldn't even judge if someone felt bad about their body, or decided that skinny dipping wasn't for them—that kind of attitude just seems to fit well with the activity, and I'd be totally cool hanging around people like that. But it's obviously a very specific activity, one that doesn't exactly come up very often, so even if I would be comfortable with that, I can't hold out waiting for invitations (particularly when the friend in question was describing an all-girls night, so... yeah, not gonna work :P).

In a more general sense, I don't know what it is, but part of me just wants to do sexy shit like that, to get involved in more sexual scenarios (or any [hetero]sexual scenarios, really). It seems impossible to achieve without entering an atmosphere that's either a) totally foreign to me, or b) one I already know I won't do well in, but goddamn does hooking up sound fun right now :P  Given that I've now had at least one experience where people drinking weren't acting like asshats (a 21st I went to last year), I'm more privy to environments where people are drinking, at least people my age. It might just be my family who've left a fucking awful impression on me with regards to booze, now that I think about it. If other situations with alcohol are like that 21st like year, I'm all for more of that, cos it was really fun.

This doesn't change the main issue, though, one I also experienced last year at another 21st: the lack of commonality with the type of people who are in these environments. I don't go out, I don't sleep around, and I lack interest pop culture: I have very little in common with the kind of people who attend these things, making it really hard to get involved in socialising, even when that's what I want. It's not like these people are bad people; they're just different people. And perhaps I'm wrong about that too! Maybe that 21st was a one off in terms of the people there, and if I went to another place, I somehow would be able to bond with the other peeps. But if all these people talk about is drinking and partying and getting drunk and fucking each other and the latest TV shows and pop tracks... count me out. Unless you want me to sit there playing Super Mario Bros. on my phone, don't put me there, cos I'll fucking hate it :P

The other issue is that opportunities for this kind of thing are thin on the ground to begin with cos my friends are mostly like me with regards to social things, something I've mentioned before. I only have one friend who goes out and does these kinds of things. Going alone to these things really isn't an option, or is at least a real quick way to scare the bejeezus out of me. Even if I did want to go into a new environment, one I've shied away from in the past, if I went there alone, the level of social anxiety I'd have would be so intense that I'd have no chance of working my way in.

Simultaneously, I'd feel like a leech if I asked the aforementioned friend if I could tag along with her, cos it seems unfair on them to expect her to take care of me, or to even risk messing her evening up by doing something wrong or needing to be shown the ropes. This isn't a reaction to the thought of asking her; this is something I've thought about a lot, cos asking to go with her is something I've wanted to do quite a few times (and have done once or twice, probably before I developed the 'leech' feeling above). Any time I see her mention going out to something interesting, I think about it, but then go "no, don't do that. You'll be a liability: you'll stick to her like glue all fucking evening just to feel safe. Don't fuck up her evening; just let her do her own thing." I'd have to know for sure she was 100% OK with me tagging along before I even consider doing it.

And who knows: maybe it'll be so much fun that I decide to go out to these things on my own, or with people I meet while at these places who I get along with, which I probably will if I like these places. If not, then I'll know it sucks ass and I won't have to worry about missing out on anything (the entire point of such an outing would basically be to counteract FOMO right now :P).


Having thought about it, the desire to go out is probably a direct result of my desire to get laid, but I don't see a problem with that. I might go out once and hate it; that just means I have to find another way to get my rocks off. I might hook up once and have my desires satisfied, never feeling the need to go out again. I just wanna throw myself into the mix, I guess, and see how things go. The closest I can currently get is seeing chicks in comedy clubs, but that won't really work cos I'm out of town and always have to get back home, meaning I can't really do anything there—there were two cute girls at the last open mic I did, but I didn't approach them for this very reason.



 
Assuming for the meantime that I wouldn't do well in the type of places my friend goes to, where else is there? Like, yes, I meet new people through my out-of-town friends every now and then, but there's never really any opportunity to flirt (much less the confidence required to do so :P), nor have there been any people I've met who I'd actually sleep with yet. Any time I see questions about where to meet women or where to flirt with them, the answer from most people is "you can meet women anywhere! Talk to them on the street!", but I really don't think that's appropriate, at least not for me personally. And even if it is appropriate, I can hardly approach them in the most basic social situations, much less a totally non-social situation like a goddamn footpath. One step at a time, for fuck's sake :P

I guess it's just frustrating me a little that there are no outlets through which I can currently meet a girl and hit it off with her. In fact, it's not even a thing my friends talk about, because it's not something they're into. My friends are either in relationships, or just not interested in casual sex. But I am interested! It sounds really exciting! I just can't share that with anyone cos I'm fairly sure no one I know really relates to it.

And, oddly enough, this is a very specific desire for casual sex I'm feeling now. Sex in a relationship would be nice for its own reasons, and a relationship would ultimately provide far more for me, but hooking up is the type of sex I want to have at this exact moment. I dunno why, but it is. Or perhaps a more accurate way to explain it would be to say: while I would rather be in a relationship than hook up with girls, I would rather have the experience of hooking up with a girl before I enter a relationship, seeing as I can't hook up with one girl while dating another. It's the experience I want.

I swear to god, one day, I'm gonna find a way to make nerdy get-togethers hot. It will be done. I've got material on this already, as the set-up allows for a whole bunch of jokes, but I'd also like to see the idea in reality. Like, take Dungeons and Dragons: a tabletop RPG game where everyone plays together in a fantasy world, working their way through a narrative explained by the Game Master. All you'd have to do is make the narrative erotic! The players are all physically there, able to check each other out, and the game gives them characters through which they can flirt in kind of a 'safe' way, so they can suss each other out. Then, if two players like flirting in the game, they can flirt in real life too, getting each other's numbers and/or hooking up. Or for something simpler, instead of Strip Poker (which you could also play, I guess—something else I'd be up for personally, if only I could understand poker :P), instead of that, you have Super Strip Bros. You start up any version of Super Smash Bros., set it to Survival, and add one life for each article of clothing able to be removed. During the battle, whenever a player loses a life, they have to take off the next article of clothing on the list. And they aren't allowed to pause: they have to take it off quick enough such that they don't fall back into battle before they get their hands back on the controller. Once you got up to a certain level of nakedness, particularly with girls, the others would be at a disadvantage cos they'd have to prevent themselves from perving, or else they'd lose a life themselves. It just sounds so goddamn plausible I tell ya!

Perhaps I talk about this too much or too in-depth, but I'm just stuck in limbo here. I love hanging out with my current friends and wouldn't trade them for anyone because I have the greatest time when we hang out. But I don't see a way to hook up right now, at least not through my current social group. I was never really invited to parties or anything during high school, and I can't remember ever being able to play things like Spin the Bottle or whatever other party games there are; I didn't even really want to go to parties or do things like that when I was younger. So maybe these are just high-school-level carnal desires popping up at an inconvenient time. The curiosity won't go away, though.

I dunno how off-topic I got but I'ma stop now :P