YouTube Update: Stuff You; I'd Rather Not Do What You Tell Me.

Fuck you! I won't do what you tell me, motherfucker!

Zack de la Rocha, Rage Against the Machine

Ah, that's more like it :)

Having said that, however, I'm going to ask that you do not interpret the following entry as being disregarding of your opinions and desires as far as my YouTube channel goes. I have an audience, and if I wish to maintain that audience (which I do), then it is my duty to appease them -- that's just how it works with being a content creator. The thing with my YouTube channel, however, is that it does not revolve around the audience. I don't create content solely because other people enjoy it; I produce it because I like producing it, and because (hypothetically) you like watching it. I don't produce content that isn't enjoyable to produce -- forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do just because someone else wants you to (when it comes to producing content, at least) is inane. This is why there is no schedule, no plan, no structure, and no consistency: I make videos when I want and how I want, and I make them about whatever I want. The userbase seems to like what I put out, so it's a win for both parties; but content is never made with me thinking "ooohh! They'll just love this!" Don't bullshit yourself; I don't think like that. Yes, I make stuff my audience will presumably like (hence why I mainly publish LBP videos: because that's why most subscribers subscribed in the first place :P) but I will not go out of my way to suck dicks and fondle balls just because people ask.

When it comes to people making demands, it pisses me off to no end. Requests are fine, demands are not; and there is a clear-cut difference. A request is polite, reasonable, and optional; a demand is (in this context) rude, ridiculous, and seemingly mandatory, at least to the demander. I can deal with people requesting levels and ideas (hence why the facets that allow you to do so are made available), but when I get comments like this:



-followed by comments like this:





-it annoys me that both parties ask for the same thing, yet to appease the polite one is to appease both. People who ask for things as impolitely as that don't deserve what they want as far as I'm concerned, especially when they're getting it for free, on my time. It's just ungrateful. I know not everyone is greedy like that, and that those people may not even be like that all the time; but when they are, it's clear cut in my mind that they're being completely unreasonable.

When it comes to what content goes on my channel, here's how things work:

Someone suggests a quality, original level?
If I have the time, I record and upload it.

I have issues I want to get off my chest, and don't want to type?
I record a random game, and throw my thoughts over the top.

I'm going to perform a new stand-up segment somewhere?
I try to get someone to film it for me, and I upload it.

I think of an idea for a video that doesn't fit the above three criteria?
If I have the time and resources, I try it out.

That's it.

That is the extent to which my YouTube channel operates in terms of planning and development. It doesn't stretch an inch beyond what's written above, and it probably never will.

LittleBigShow, which I began making episodes for about a year and a half ago, was the result of that last item in the itinerary. It began well enough, with positive reception being received due to the combining of my voice (which people like for some reason >.>) and the gaming content: three level previews combined in to one video, rather than a single level playthrough. Sure, there was a "Previews" and "Reviews" section, but when you get right down to it, it was just three levels being showcased, with their qualities highlighted for all to see. There haven't been any episodes since April this year, with the latest episode being featured on my channel since its release, giving the false hope of more episodes to come. There are two reasons why there haven't been more episodes; they are:

1: I haven't had the time to work on the show.

Now, however, my schedule is far less busy, and probably won't be as busy as it was before for a long time. "Why, then, are there still no episodes?", you may ask.

2: I don't like making the show.

I used to like making the show -- I loved the recording, the writing, the editing, all of it -- but it soon became a tedium, one I grew tired of very quickly. I had to adhere to a schedule of one episode a month (which was originally going to be one a week -- get fuckin' real :P), which just became annoying, as I hate working for deadlines. I had to go through a whole slew of levels just to get the good ones (this was before LBP.me, however, whose reviews and comments sections would have reduce the workload significantly). The most prevalent dislike I have for the show, however, is its inefficency in doing its job, which was to highlight hidden gems in the LBP community. Yes, it did do its job, but with no efficiency boost on my end. Sure, it would be quicker for you guys, because you get three levels in one video; but for me came the tasks of gathering and organising suggestions, writing scripts and dot points, recording voice-overs (which took multiple takes due to their scripted nature), and an arduous editing process for something that only ended up running for five minutes. The effort simply isn't worth the return.

Put it this way: it would be far quicker for me to simply record three levels, edit them separately (a process which involves nothing more than importing, clipping, and a few nips and tucks), encode them separately, and upload them over a period of time, than it would for me to make LBS. It's just quicker! If you want my opinion of the level, I leave a snippet in the description -- always have, always will. That's another thing I disliked about the show: I told you what I thought of the level. Who gives a flying fuck what I think of the level? It's your opinion of the level that matters, not mine! If you think it looks good, you'll go and play it, regardless of what I think or say! There isn't even a point to the voice-over -- as I said (and I'm not being conceited; people have said this to me on YouTube, more than just a few times) people just liked listening to me speak. If there's no substance or worth in the words, there's no point in speaking them.

-but I liked LittleBigShow!

Your prayers have been answered (for a number of months now, in fact :P).

LittleBigPicks has been operating since June of this year, and they've already produced nine episodes of their program, in the form of both levels in LittleBigPlanet 2, and YouTube videos (which are essentially recordings of the levels they make for their show). I am not affiliated with the group behind the content -- I actually hadn't really investigated them until earlier this week -- but, from watching their work, it's presented beautifully and professionally, and has voice work, if you just have to hear someone talk :P  It's done by a team of at least two players (the hosts of the show), and the format is similar to LBS, but different in ways that make their show more engaging and engrossing. Their show is longer, and the hosts build their own set to use in-game -- it's essentially machinima. They not only feature levels, but do other cool stuff as well from time to time -- they recently had an interview with steve_big_guns, so they're evidently being noted for their talents, and getting attention they wholeheartedly deserve. These guys are doing great work, and are featuring incredible levels, so if you want something like LittleBigShow, this is where you should go. It will make LBS seem like child's play :P

As for what I'll be doing on my channel, I've been watching a few Let's Play channels (namely NintendoCapriSun), and thought I could give that a shot once my computer's fixed. Before really watching an LP, I was like "man, what the fuck is the point of watching someone play an entire game, start to finish!? Would that not be the most boring shit ever!?" Well, no, it's not the most boring shit ever, provided you've got a good commentator at the helm; a bad one fucking ruins it (I'll probably do an entry on the LP 'culture', because finding a good LPer is like finding a needle in a haystack coated in shit :P). I'm not saying I could do any better (hence why I'd only be willing to try it out without making any commitments), but if people like watching me play games, and listening to me talk, this is the fastest way I can provide you with a video combining those elements.

I'm not sure what game I'll do though. I am not doing LittleBigPlanet (the acing videos are practically an LP if you string them all together :P), nor do I want to do any game that's been done a million times (Super Mario 64, Ocarina of Time, etc). I'd love to do Donkey Kong 64, as I love that game and know my way around it fairly well, but I only have an emulated version, which is a little glitchy -- I'd rather do it on a real Nintendo 64 (which I will be buying :D). I could do Ratchet and Clank as well, and for now, that seems to be what I'll be doing if I decide to try it out. It's a short enough game to do, but isn't so short that it'll be over before you know it. DK64 is a damn long game, so it'd be better to do if I know it'll be worth doing; I don't want to quit halfway through (hate leaving projects unfinished).

As for my computer, I've found a place that might be able to diagnose (or better yet, fix) the machine, but as it's the Christmas break, the place won't be available for a few days, and I also have to find transport for the box to the place and back (I don't have a license, and I sure as fuck can't walk 30 minutes in to/back from town with this mammoth under my shoulder :P). I can't tell you when it'll be fixed (I may have to purchase replacement parts, which I don't have money for at the moment), but progress has been made to some extent.

Don't jump to dumb conclusions either -- I won't stop making LBP 2 videos, and I'll resume recording levels once my PC is back up and running. For the meantime, I've got another couple of levels in the vaults that (with any luck :P) I can encode and upload (provided the machine doesn't explode).

You're free to leave your thoughts on the subject here, or on my YouTube channel, or any one of my videos. I read and appreciate all feedback :)

Sick: I'm Sick of Being It (Sick, That is)

"Have you ever been sick for such a long time that you've actually forgotten what it feels like not to be sick? Sick is your default; 'tis your norm. You are sick."

Me

Quoting myself? You bet! I'm just that arrogant ;D

I am also, however, sick as a very sick dog. I'm not just "sick as a dog", because your average dog is almost completely healthy -- I'm waysicker than your average fuckin' dog :P

It always plays out the same for me:

Day 1: Abnormally high amount of phlegm in my throat. Day continues as normal.
Night 1: As I try to sleep (the gunk in my throat prevents this from actually happening), I feel my throat getting progressively sorer and more irritable.

Day 2: I wake up to feel my throat being gang-raped by every liquid in my body -- it burns like a Nazi bonfire.
Night 2: Due to the gunk invasion, sleep is nigh impossible until I completely run out of energy.

Day 3: Throat no longer burns, but sinuses are completely blocked -- I feel as though I'm lucky not to be drowning in a river of mucus.
Night 3: Sleep is a little easier, but the headache caused by the blocked sinuses (and not aided by the hours of Crash Bandicoot and Perfect Dark >.<) prevents true slumber comfort.

Everyday after that for the next two weeks sees the disease slowly remove itself from my body -- evacuation time is cut in half with some antibiotics. As much as I hate relying on them, I suppose I have to -- my natural immune system is probably some guy standing at the tip of my oesophagus armed with nothing but a garden shovel (a cheap one, too), perpetually scared out of his weak little mind.

I hate getting sick, though! I hate hate hate it! All day long, I have this burning desire to rip my own head off, get a toothpick, and rummage around every nook and cranny to remove any trace of goo and icky stuff. I don't like feeling as though my head is trapped in a fucking vice! At least if my balls are in a vice, they're never there for long -- this lasts days, and days, and days... not to mention I still have to live life as though nothing is wrong! Where's the quilt nestled tightly against my tummy to keep me warm? Where's my chocolate ice-cream and Demazin to keep me alive? Where's my Daria box-set to keep me entertained (I don't actually have that anyway... I want it though!)? Nowhere: that's where. Nowhere. Every morning, I have to wake up, accept the fact I'm an adult, and go to school, so I can give this bug to everyone in my fucking cohort, wanting to kill anyone who speaks louder than a whisper.

What pisses me off the most is that, as a performer, me getting sick = me getting a chainsaw and amputating all my limbs (it's possible if you plan it right). You simply can't perform very well, if at all, when you're sick. A little honey might kill the frog in the throat, and some painkillers relieve temporarily the headache, but the gunk ain't goin' nowhere no time soon, so you look and sound sick anyway! Thankfully, I don't have to perform for two weeks, but if I'm still sick when that day comes, I am sweet outta luck and jolly well fucked. Can you imagine doing ten minutes of non-stop talking and moving with a cold? You can? OK... try *thirty-five* minutes. That's what I'm up against in just over two weeks time: a half-an-hour extravaganza of potential comedy; and doing that with a cold simply ain't gonna be cool.

I've always wondered: "what would happen if I simply took all the antibiotics here and now? All twenty-four of 'em, down my gob in a jiffy... surely, the disease wouldn't stand a chance!" Well, I don't study biology (or any science, for that matter), but I'm pretty sure that'd fuck you up even worse than before :P  The antibiotics would eradicate the disease pretty damn quick, but all the antibiotics that didn't die in the epic battle would still be all pent up -- they didn't get to kill anything! They'd go ape-shit on my innards, releasing their rage by bashing and stabbing any organ or tissue they could find! You think having your throat gang-raped sucks? How about having your liver gang-raped; or your stomach; or your skin; or your brain!? That doesn't sound too good to me! Fuck that shit, man!

Ideas: The Crazy, Albiet Reasonable Things You Wanna Do, and Therefore Should Do

"I got a lot of good ideas -- trouble is, most of 'em suck."

George Carlin

Do you sometimes have ideas that you think are really out there and perhaps even beyond realisation, but just might fuckin' work? I got a few... like not putting all your end-of-year exams at the end of the goddamned year! Maybe we'd like some space in there to... study! System wants me to do well? System can be reasonable for once, and maybe System will get what System wants! And what's up with testing me on shit I've already been tested on? That's what most end-of-year tests are: all-encompassing tests that examine you on everything you learned that year... do you even remember half the shit you learned this year? Well, I suppose you've managed to remember everything you've learned this year -- if you haven't remembered it, you haven't learned it :P  The thing is, I can't understand what the topic test was for if I'm just gonna get examined again on that very same topic in a few months time! If I really need that knowledge for anything I do in the future, I'll take in on myself to learn it in preparation, rather than getting it all back in my head for the sake of repeated analysis by the State.

I got a sorta messed up idea too; it's disgusting, but it's got potential! See, my eating habits are fucked up, and I mean fucked up. I have no allergies and no medical conditions to worry about; my habits are pure, 100% choice. If you think you've seen a fussy eater, you ain't seen shit, son :P  Ladies, would you go out with a guy who eats crackers and custard for dinner? Methinks not :P  This idea would need me a stroke of luck to find a more-than-willing participant, but it would eliminate the need for me to ask that question ever again. First, I'd have to meet a girl whose answer to that question is something along the lines of "of course!" or "why not?" The problem is that any girl would change their answer to that question pretty quickly upon experiencing my eating habits and the self-imposed restrictions that come with them. This is where the second part comes in: I call it "The Transitional Stage." Basically, we get the relationship to a point where we're happy to make out ("lips and tongue" is one of my all-time favourite dishes :P). At this point, I tell her my idea in full. What happens is: she gets something to eat that I haven't tried before, she takes a bite, chews it up a bit... then we let our tongues dance together for a good ten, maybe fifteen seconds, at least until a good portion of the food is in my mouth, so I can taste it! It's win-win: she gets a boyfriend who isn't a total pain in the arse to go out with, and I get to make out! How isn't this an awesome idea!?

In all seriousness though, I actually have an idea I'd like to see brought to life; and I've already got pretty much everything I need. You know how at the mall, and in other public places, you've got kids walking around with iPods, DS's, PSP's, mobile phones; all that shit? I'm old school; I need me some split-screen action! Here's what I want to do: I have a small 21" (~50cm) LCD TV that will fit in a bag, an old laptop with a bunch of emulators on it (NES, SNES, N64, PS1, etc), and two PS3 controllers that will work on the laptop with special drivers. I take the TV and the laptop in to a public place (most likely a mall), set the TV and laptop up near a power-point (and out of people's way), get friend(s) to donate another two controllers, and set up a small 4-player retro rig for anyone who wants to join in! If you saw Mario Kart 64 and a spare controller at the mall, wouldn't you stop by and play a bit? And how awesome would some Goldeneye be!? It'd be a blast! We might get kicked out, but so long as we're not too loud, and we keep out of people's way, what's the fuckin' problem with this? Stealing their power, am I? This equipment wouldn't suck up anymore than $1 worth of juice in the space of an hour, if that. I'll chuck 'em a coin and tell 'em to lighten up :P

Security is a bit of an issue, although not so much with the TV and laptop, as they're both heaps of shit that only serve to get the job done, not to mention their weight -- you'd be better off robbing one of the surrounding department stores :P  It's the PS3 controllers I'm worried about, as they don't have the cable attached at the controller end. Someone could simply yank the micro-USB out and run off with $100 worth of equipment; three people do that, and I'm $300 in the hole (and at least one of those controllers wouldn't have been mine :P). If I got PS2 controllers and a few USB adapters, I could simply tie the cables around a table leg or something to make it virtually impossible to surreptitiously steal the equipment intact -- you'd have to cut the cable to get the controller (and who steals PS2 controllers anyway? Yeesh :P) It might cost me some money, but I think it'd totally be worth it; and if I can find somewhere to do it, I'll fuckin' do it :P

...hopefully, this future girlfriend of mine is a bit kinky; that way, her mouth won't be the only place I could eat out :P

Grace: It Would Never Have Perished if It Weren't for You Meddling Kids!

"Children: can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em! Can't you see that!?" 

Robin Williams (or whoever he stole the material from >.>)

Truer words were never spoken. Ever. :P

I have never been a fan of anyone between the ages of 7 and 13 with access to the internet. The demographic carries with it the misfortune of being represented, at least in part, by verbally impotent, intellectually deficient loudmouths with no sign of respect and no thought to spare. I'm well aware of the fact that kids need to learn that it's polite not to be a total douchebag when talking to someone -- that's just part of growing up -- but doesn't that shit happen when they're, like, 5? 6, maybe? I know I was taught that shit way before I got my hands on a keyboard and mouse, and I was roughly the same age when internet access first came in to our house. Of course, everyone outside of the demo is slightly to blame, with kids being exposed to this and being led to believe it's a totally appropriate way to talk to someone you just met; but sometimes, you just know the kid's a total dick, and I've had one of those incidents recently.

Keep in mind that I used to be a pretty hot-headed person, and would go off at the first sight of idiocy or ignorance, irrespective of the guilty party's age. I soon realised that this was a rather extreme way to act, and while I still cringe and curse when I see people asking dumbarse questions in YouTube comments or personal messages that Google could answer in a godforsaken millisecond, the cursing is only heard by the walls in my house -- now, I simply tell them to "look it up" without going apeshit. There was this one kid this week who sent me 4 or 5 PM's on YouTube asking "where do you get [sticker]", "where do you get the tool bag for create mode", "where do you get the clank level i have the game of the year edition and i cant find it". It's not the absence of spelling or grammar that gets me; it's the fact that research skills are seemingly lacking in today's young. I doubt it was this bad before computers -- I betcha anything that kids back then weren't this empty up top. They knew: wanna know what a word means? Dictionary. Wanna know other words for that word? Thesaurus. Wanna know the capital of the Dominican Republic? Atlas. Wanna speed this shit up and get with the times? Google. That, however, is pretty excusable; what I'm about to recite is not :P

Somebody sent me a friend request on the PSN: "I want to be your friend" or something to that effect was in the message. Absolutely nothing wrong with that, I get those from time to time, but I don't add anyone on the PSN. I don't really care if he knew or not, and there's nothing to be angry about, so I just tell him what I tell everyone else who sends me a friend request on the PSN:

"I don't add anyone on the PSN, sorry."

That is word for word what I send as a reply to anyone who sends me a friend request and is nice enough to write something in the message space (empty friend requests are just sad -- at this point, the kid is in my good books). His reply:

"i'm ur fan and you say this to me"

...yes, I do say this to him, and to everyone else who sends me a request. I don't owe him anything -- I have fun making videos and getting some attention, he gets free entertainment. It's a more-than-reasonable exchange. No need to bring that shit up with him though; I'll just explain my response:

"i say this to everyone who wants to add me -- i can't add everyone who asks, and i don't have the time to play with you, so there's no point in me adding you"

Seriously: there isn't. I'm on rarely as it is, and when I am online, I opt to play alone more often than not. His reply:

"then why did you add luisbravo1?"

Perfectly reasonable question, deserving of an answer:

"that was years ago back when I wasn't busy, and it was to make a video with him"

His reply:

"please add me Bludgaboy i want a friend that is cool. just plz add me i'm begging u :("

...a-a-a-and here's where it all starts going downhill :P  This implies that any existing friends this kid has are, in his eyes, not cool. How rude is that, man!? Kids say shit like this all the time, but wow! Gotta end this quickly:

"why should i add you and no one else that asks? that's not fair. please just accept the fact"

This is part of my reasoning behind my decision not to add anyone, regardless of who they are: one stranger gets rejected because there's no point in me adding them, so does everyone else. If I pick and choose which random friend requests to accept and reject, it'll just serve to piss the rejected ones off. This way, it's nothing personal.

He left me alone for about a week, then sent me this cavalcade of irritation:

"Plz add me Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz Plz"

For those of you too lazy to count: 32 instances of the abbreviation collaborated on that project. What does copy/pasting "plz" go to show (they wouldn't all be capital P's if he didn't copy/paste... or at least tried to cover his tracks :P)? It's just silly, right?

"you can beg all you like, it's only making you look immature"

Harsh, but true. His reply:

"its not fair to be friends with venemo X luisbravo1 and everyone else"

1st: I am not friends with "everyone else" -- way to exaggerate :P

2nd: How is it not fair to be friends with Persons A and B, and not Person C? Maybe I don't like Person C! I am under no obligation to be friends with everyone who talks to me! If this is true, then one of two things is true: either I have to be friends with everyone, or have no friends at all!

3rd: Much like Luis, I added VenemoX a while back, and we knew each other on YouTube ever farther back. We were actual friends, so I added him (or him me, whatever :P). I've said this before, and I'll say it again: someone you know being in a "friends list" does not mean they are your friend. Also, I'm not friends with Luis; more of an acquaintance. We never speak to each other; how does that constitute friendship?

Kids think a "friend" is just someone they know, and I'm not gonna fuck with the kid's head for the sake of a label correction, so once again, I just tried to get this over with once and for all:

"i added those people *years* ago, before i stopped adding people. i have hardly any other people on the PSN i'm friends with. please, *please* stop this, or i'll just block you"

A-a-a-and now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

"f*** u"

WOAH WOAH WOAH Woah woah! F*** me? F*** me!? Hot diggity damn -- someone's gonna f*** me! Come on, people -- if you're gonna get down and dirty with the English language, at least have the balls to say the word rather than letting a bunch of asterisks do the work for ya :P

"calm down, grow up, and get over it, dude. i wouldn't want someone so rude and immature in my friends list even if i *did* add people"

Note how I'm yet to crack? No need to: he already has :P

"shut up u fuckin ass hole ADD ME!"

No "f*** me"? Is that girl still up for it? I know I am... *drools*. Anyways, enough perversion. Apart from the fact that "ass hole" is one word and not two, do you notice anything else wrong with this message? Anything at all? I sorta noticed something, might not actually be something, but, um... see how he called me a "fuckin ass hole"... then, right next to that, he demands that I add him? Do you get that? I don't.

I don't add people because I don't want to be obliged to add every single person who asks; I also don't add people so I can avoid future contact with anyone like this :P

EDIT:

"i dont want to be in your vids i just want to add u"

-and I just want this kid to get the message, but it would appear no-one's getting what they want. I don't think there's any hope with this kid. Just send his resume to Taco Bell and get him the fuck away from the PlayStation :P

EDIT 2:

More kids sending me friend requests? Yes, more kids sending me friend requests.

Some other kid kept asking me to be his friend and sent me a friend request every time I rejected the previous one. Eventually, he asked me to give him DLC; all became crystal clear from that point onwards :P  Go buy your own DLC, stingy prick.

I had another kid send me a friend request just saying "add me", which I responded to in the same way I always do. Logged on this morning to find another "please please please please please" marathon. Kudos for using the full word rather than the contracted version, but it doesn't give you that much credit :P

Tension: Butter Knives Won't Cut It Because It Isn't Tangible

... do they have intangible butter knives? Where could I get one of those from? ...I suppose it doesn't matter whether I have one or not -- the tension is here to stay.

I have since seen my fancy for what is probably the last time. All the commotion is beginning to settle, the feelings are beginning to recede, and I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth doing this again when this is what's going to end up happening each and every time :P  Even the last day heralded signs of this whole thing being somewhat mutual, but the end of the day made it rather clear that the signs were just as I thought them to be: not signs. It's unusual going back and looking at all those little things she did...

"Surely, these things must have meant something!"

Nope.

"So... so all this just... happened?"

Uh-huh.

"Damn..."

The Tuesday began as they all have for the last few weeks: me getting off the train and running like a motherfucker in the hopes of catching up. The train arrived late, so I had to run the entire way; and I did! Slow down? What the fuck for!? I've got shit to do! At this point, the day is playing out like a poorly written, all but clichéd' romantic comedy :P  I ran, and I ran, and I ran... and I ran... and I... ran... and... I... ran... ... ...then I got there... ...to the place the meetings were held... "ah, shit! I've missed her! I must have ran past her again! God dammit!"

I sit down, catching my breath (it's weird how no one asked why I was breathing so heavily), and we all know who shows up five minutes later... from the other fucking direction! I came in from the east side; she came in from the west side! ... why!? I know which train station she gets off at! I walk past it on the way there, and that's the path she usually takes, so what's up with this tricky, ninja-like teleportation shit she's pulling here!? If I'd known, I just would have kept running! I don't give a fuck if I have to double back -- it's more than worth it! And an explanation, you think she'd ask for? I'd have just made one up -- who cares!?

"The main thing is that she's here. Things could be a lot worse, but they aren't, because she's here." They immediately wished her "happy birthday!", which I had to chime in for at the last second because I didn't know (I'm finding it harder each day justifying my decision to not use Facebook -- how else would they have known :P). She greets everyone with a friendly hug; and boy, was I looking forward to mine! She said nothing more than "hello, [name]!" with each hug, except mine (of course, mine just has to be different to make things more confusing), as she added on a "nice jacket!" with my greeting. I suppose it's just one more for the pile of things that can be easily misinterpreted as signs of something meaningful :P

Discussion was fruitful as I waited for the perfect moment to ask for her e-mail/phone number/whatever. "I'll take the first one I get! I don't care if these people figure everything out; I just want those details, dammit!" Unfortunately, she sat quite far from me (at the other end of the table >.< ) so I couldn't speak directly to her, or even move to sit next to her... poor girl didn't even have a seat! She was just kneeling at the table! I wanted to offer her a seat, but where she was, a seat wouldn't fit... she could have had my seat if she wanted! Hell, I'd be her seat :P  Seat or no seat, however, discussion continued; and my non-involvement in the conversation went against me as the subject matter turned to that which is ripe for disagreement: religion. See? I told you he was a motherfucker! I heard the word "evolution" come out of someone's mouth, and off they went.

I don't get it: there was not one person at that table who can prove the existence or non-existence of God, nor one who can explain fully how species have come to be! What the fuck were they arguing for!? No one side was going to sway the other, so what was the point!? We're writers, not scientists! Herp-a-derp indeed :P

After the meeting started, no hard feelings were felt, so all was well... but how was I supposed to talk to her now? She sat across from me, as if to taunt me with that oh-so-beautiful face I'll (probably) never lay eyes upon again, and the last meeting commences. Cake was brought by our mentors, but it had all kinds of things in it that turned me right off -- since when were poppy-seeds in cake!? Seriously! "Luckily" (I use the term lightly :P) my fancy just happened to have with her a box, inside of which was a lone muffin. Upon hearing of my lack of appeal for the cake: "Oh! Would you like this muffin instead?" ... does she even have to ask? Really? "Oh, sure! :D" It's chocolate, so I'm on that motherfucker like it's nobody's business :P  I'd have eaten it in one big mouthful, but, you know... still trying to make an impression here :P

The meeting goes on, and we near the end. We somehow get on to the topic of formatting the scripts, and I'm immediately mentioned because my formatting skills are super-duper-elite, apparently :P  The mentor goes so far as to ask me to explain how I format my scripts, and I do so, with my fancy being the only one to reply, with something along the lines of "really? So you just make a table in Word with two columns, and make the grid invisible? Genius." Genius? Genius!? What the hell was that!? What is she: the Queen of Hyperbole? Little Miss Exaggeration? It doesn't matter how you look at it though -- that was a clear cut compliment right there, man! There's no denying that one; no doubt about it. Unfortunately, it only served to confuse me further :P

Not long after, I was sent out to do an errand. Everyone else was saying their goodbyes, and I was taking one for the team; one I'd have rather not taken. As soon as I arrived back, they took a group photo (I am yet to receive it, and I want it; and we all know why :P), then she just... left! I saw her put on her bag and simply walk out the door! She said goodbye to no one -- not even me -- but she'd probably taken care of that whilst I was out of the room! Ain't fate a bitch :P  I thought all was lost... until someone realised she'd left her container behind! Her friend, however, was far quicker than I was to pick it up and run screaming her name down the hallway in her attempt to get it back to her... I should have snatched the fucking thing out of her hand and pushed her out of the way, but alas, I did not.

And thus ended (rather abruptly) the escapade.

I have since sent the girl an e-mail with the address I acquired months ago, simply asking if we could keep in touch -- I had no chance to ask there, so what the hell, right? Unfortunately, however, she is yet to respond (if ever :P). It could be the fact she doesn't check her e-mail often; it could be the fact she's on a trip and can't check her e-mail; it could be the fact that she doesn't want to talk to me :P Who knows? A few more days and I'll call the quits all together... perhaps :P  As much as I talk about the past, and what could of happened, my friend left me with a rather strong statement:

"It couldn't have happened any other way, because it happened, and you're still here."

Too true... too true...

If there's anything to take from this, it's as follows: do shit while you can still do it. Leave nothing for later, and hesitate no longer on those things you want so badly. You're going to have to take chances, but that's half the fun, so get in there and have some fun! You might have to prepare, and you might have to sacrifice, but it's all worth it in the end :)

Chatty: The Trait That Makes This Shit a Lot Fucking Easier

I'm not well known for getting shit done; I stall, overthink and procrastinate until all hours over those tasks I find daunting. Sometimes, however, time is stretched thin simply because of the situation at hand, and with only 1 more encounter between my fancy and I for me to look forward to, "stretched thin" is quite the understatement. The "make or break" moment draws ever closer, and although much has been made in the name of progress, a lot more needs to be made in the name of "hurry the fuck up!" Expletives aside though, I'm a lot closer than when all this madness started -- no contact details yet, no no no... but conversation? Yes yes yes :P

The first instance almost caught me off guard. It was one if those opportunities you don't see coming, but those are the most fun because you have no idea what's gonna happen; the adrenaline goes off the charts and you're bouncing off the wall. I find it hard to believe I try to avoid doing things that would make me feel this way, even though I love the feeling and sometimes even crave it. I arrived at the meet unable to see anyone else from the group, so I keep walking to see a lone, curvy figure... guess who :P "Where the hell is everyone else- WHO CARES? How come she's the only one here- NOT IMPORTANT! I wonder if anything's happened- STOP THINKING AND SAY HELLO!" When you boil down to it, sometimes being louder does make your point more valid; it does in my head at the very least :P So, off I go, balls to the wall and heartbeat to the max, and that all important celestial introduction makes it's way from my vocabulary to my vocal cords, promptly passing through my dry lips up to her receptors unawares... "...hi!"

Then the real fun starts :P

As the message makes it's way through her brain, there comes that smile one can't quite escape, and the reply is urgently anticipated. "Oh! Good morning!" she said, quick to realise that it was actually 5 in the friggin' afternoon :P -- I'd have pointed it out, but her quick and adorable "Oops! Good afternoon, I meant." relieved me of such pressure. She was using her phone (hopefully not texting her boyfriend! O.O) so I moved along and took a seat. She came up and took a seat nearby, proceeding to talk about the previous week's session. This is the great thing about this girl: she just talks! She talks and talks and talks! This trait might come back to bite me in the arse one day, but for now, it's a fucking Godsend. It's not like she is completely unable to shut up; she just naturally has more to say, irrespective of the subject at hand. There's never an awkward silence -- if I ain't sayin' somethin', she takes care of everything! It may make it hard for me to get a word in, but at this point, anything's better than nothing :P  After 3 to 4 minutes of bliss (felt like 3-4 seconds :P) others started to show, and attention was impossible to hold, but the way that conversation flowed was just... just... :D

The next episode of chit-chat came about through a second strike of lightning I wasn't expecting. In a previous entry, I mentioned walking right past the girl as I was on my way to the meet -- not even someone as mentally inept as me is dumb enough to fuck this up twice :P  Funnily enough, I spotted her from a hundred metres back, out of breath as I ran to try to see if I'd catch up -- and by golly I did! :D -- so I was out of breath, quietly begging myself to "slow down, motherfucker... slow down, motherfucker... slow down... mother... fucker..." It was kinda creepy walking just a tad faster than her, without her noticing me until I was by her side saying "hello!" It was like the sort of thing you'd see in a horror movie... I'd have blown my cover in a fit of laughter had the Jaws theme started playing on my iPod :P  Her reaction I'll never forget: "Oh my gosh! Hey! Oh my gosh!" she spieled as she took her earphones out to speak, as if she thought I'd been there for 30 seconds and was too engrossed in the music to realise; not to mention the fact that she seemed very excited to see me... see why I've been hanging on to this for so long? It's all the little things, and by God do they amount to something after such time :P It was the same situation -- me listening to her talking about the same things for the most part -- but once again, it's better than walking right past her in a puff of smoke :P

This is, however, drawing to a close however you look at it. At some point, I am going to have to get contact details (or use those I already found :P) to get something happening here. With only one more (hypothetically) guaranteed physical encounter, I am up shit creek without a paddle, and I don't know where you buy paddles from in this neighbourhood. What I've discussed here isn't even remotely courageous by any regular standard, so I'm going to have to do something actually ballsy if I want this to go anywhere: I'm either going to have to ask her for her email/number/MSN/Facebook (fuck that shit :P) to her face... or be a sneaky little devil and use the email I already have to slip in there and get a late start, hoping not to fuck with her head in the process :P

... I make this shit way harder than it  needs to be, huh :P

Arrogance: Karma's BFF

"Oh... back, are you?"

Indeed I am :D

"Probably here to talk about that fancy of yours -- am I right?"

Go fuck a tractor :D

Believe me, I will be talking about her, but not right now. I can already hear the sighs of relief -- don't try to hide 'em :P

Rather, I intend to discuss effort, reward, and the occasional lack there of. I've been under a great deal of pressure lately to work, and my recent toil has paid off. I've nearly finished a short play I started a month back, I've got a few short stand-up segments together, and I've been through an(other) exam period, one of the few I actually studied for :P   It's been stressful, but (almost) entirely rewarding, with the energy I've spent slowly coming back as good marks and good material. Not everything I've been working on this year, however, is so dandy. I mentioned in an earlier entry a comedy competition I was preparing for, which I recently performed in... and lost :P To be beaten is one thing, but to be beaten by people who prepared less than you and had less experience than you is grade-A bullshit.

Four out of the eight or so performers would go on to the next round, and two of the four chosen were well deserving of advancement. The rapid-fire ventriloquist act and the stand-up comic with a missing ligament were outstanding performers with fucking awesome material, more than worthy of their spots. I regret to inform you that I can't show you their acts, 'cause I would if I could. The third placement was iffy but still an acceptable candidate: a non-sequitur comic with only ~2.5 minutes of material, heavily influenced by Mitch Hedberg -- one of his jokes almost mirrored word for word that of his idol. The fourth choice leaves me stumped: a performer who spent half her performance "umm"ing and "err"ing, stalling, and lacking overall stage presence. This is just bad performing in general, let alone for a competition.

These four competitors only shared one thing: a good reception from the audience -- and that's all the judges were looking for: laughs. Preparation, delivery and structure simply did not come in to play as deciding factors with the placements. Some people were rehearsing with scripts... scripts! If your performing a five minute routine where you need to maintain a connection with the audience for the entire set, the least you could do is learn your fucking lines! Even the guy who hardly had three minutes of material had his jokes written on paper -- from my experience, individual jokes are easy to remember if they're good (i.e. worth remembering), so that confused me. In all my years, I've never seen such reliance on the dreaded reading material. Granted, no one had a script during their actual performance, and to bring your script for the occasional reference in case you fuck up a line during rehearsal is a smart move, but to be reading it top to bottom in preparation only goes to show you weren't doing what you were supposed to be doing yesterday.

I was the only one there who'd done the competition before, with my first stand-up performance quickly teaching me that confidence is vital for any comic performance; and while most of the entrants were confident in their routines, I was the only one who was complimented on being openly confident (by the non-sequitur guy :P) In addition, I was the only performer who received commendation from the comic mentor in terms of delivery, and the only one she said had conversational tone -- she had not one suggestion for improving my act! Not one! "See how he was talking to the audience like that? That's the way to go!" I was the fucking benchmark! Everyone else's routine was altered in some way via the professional's suggestions, but I performed my routine for the audience no different to how I'd performed it in rehearsal. This might have been to due the fact I'd been writing and editing the routine for three months.

That's right: three months of writing to come out with five minutes (little more than a page) of material. Considering most comics perfect forty-five minutes of material in around two years, this is ridiculous even by the industry's standards :P   The time taken was mostly due to a meticulous editing process I implemented in my attempt to utilise every second of the three hundred I had to strike lolz with the audience. The set had to start strong, end with a punch-line, and stand out from the rest. My opening lines were carefully written to get the audience laughing as soon as possible, and the end was (in theory) a great round off. Unfortunately, the audience wasn't as bright as the (considerably younger) student body I'm usually surrounded by. Here's the opening gag (I'm holding a bottle of water):

"Let me take a drink of water here... they call this a bottle of water -- is this really a bottle of water? Think about it: if a stack of chairs is a stack made of chairs, and a pile of leaves is a pile of leaves... then what's a bottle of water?"

Do you get it? Huh? Do you!? The audience didn't! They didn't have a fucking clue! Surely, an educated, literate adult (like those that filled the audience) can do the math and figure it out: it's a bottle made of water, which isn't structurally possible and hence absurd to consider. When I recited the same joke for a pack of students, I was cut off by laughter -- they got the joke before I even finished it! Irony was girding its loins well before the actual event :P

All this boils down to one thing: my unadulterated, ego-fueled arrogance. I was not only the most experienced comic, but also the cockiest, and it takes a downfall like this to teach a very valuable lesson in one single blow: shit happens. Karma has been in the education business for a very long time, and his experience in this field is unrivaled by that of any other spiritual concept. I went in thinking I was the most talented when I was only the most conceited; but I was also the most prepared, and I will continue to question the judge's criteria and the audience's intelligence for weeks to come. There is the small chance of a wildcard bringing me to the next round, but with the appalling reaction I got compared to previous performances, I highly doubt it.

...fucking amateurs... I hate being one :P

EDIT: I got the wildcard... yeah, I'm confused too :P

Opportunities: Smacking Me Over the Back of the Head After I Walk Past Them

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? Perhaps it's because nothing interesting has happened to me at all. I've been a bit of a busy beaver lately, so there's been little time to think, let alone type, so- ...you know what? Fuck formalities -- you didn't come here to read about what I haven't had time to do :P  Let's talk about shit that has happened... sorta kinda :P

I have been devoid of any interaction with my fancy (here the fucker goes again :P) and hence this blog has been devoid of any reporting from the front line, which has been partially responsible for my lack of textual presence. I saw her for the first time in 5 weeks today... if only I had known it was her upon the first sighting :P Here's the lowdown: I'm walking to the meet where the rest of the group is; and when I walk, I walk fast. Anyone walking faster than me is usually sprinting. I also listen to music while I walk, and I had the Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando soundtrack on shuffle -- no, I'm not obsessed with the furry bastard to the point where his soundtrack is my motivation for any form of pedal transportation; I just like the soundtrack and haven't listened to it for a while. Get off my proverbial back, God damn it! :P

Anyway; I'm walking down, listening to GC, and one of the faster tracks comes on, which means I walk faster (I have this undeniable urge to walk in time with the music I'm listening to -- do you have that too? It can't just be me- bah! Tangents be gone!) I'm overtaking anyone and everyone in front of me, and I'm nearing my destination, but even with plenty of time to spare, the music takes hold, pushing me forward. There's a lone figure up ahead, and this would easily be the last person I have to get around, making for a swift arrival at the meet. I close in on them to discover the person is some girl, about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair, wearing short shorts, stockings, and black sunglasses on her head -- just another slow random who's getting in my way. Let's walk past her."

This is the part where I fucked up.

Big time.

I arrive at the meet, and five minutes later, guess who shows up? My fancy! ... who is about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair... and who just happens to be wearing short shorts, stockings and black sunglasses on her head!

...FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

I can only imagine the calibre of facepalm it would take to fully represent what a dickhead I've just made of myself! Let's start with the obvious: here is my fancy, the girl of my dreams, walking along a footpath at a reasonable pace with nowhere urgent to be... and I WALK PAST HER!? I could have completed an entire dossier on the girl in the time I spent rushing to get somewhere I was early for anyway! That's a phone number, an MSN address and hence initial contact down the drain! Oh... did I mention the fact that she was by herself? Alone! In solitude! When she gets there, she indulges in conversation with others -- there's no chance for any decent discourse between us -- but here, no other punk-ass intruders were even present, let alone able to get in my way...and I don't even notice! Believe it or not, I had moments earlier checked to see if the girl I speak of was coming out of the train station I walk past on my way there... how does one MISS what they were actively LOOKING FOR only FIVE MINUTES EARLIER!?

The biggest consequence of my (lack of :P) actions, however, is far more subtle, and it may have actually damaged relationship potential rather than simply having missed an opportunity to boost it. We know I walked past her, but let me remind you of the speed at which I passed her: she was at walking pace... I'm at almost jogging pace... which means I bolted past her! This  not only means I didn't notice her, but that may very well have told her I was in a hurry to get away from her! That tells her I don't even want to speak to her when that's all I've been trying to do for WEEKS ON END! I'd kill to have a conversation with her, and I am not talking in any figurative manner! Whilst this was never confirmed and we actually did speak for a bit before the group went inside, but there was nothing special today in our interaction; and, considering we hadn't seen each other for 5 weeks, you'd think a "so, what did you get up to?" would have come my way. Yes, yes; I know I should have asked her that question... but we'll get to that later :P

The knockout punch actually came just after we got inside. I was thinking to myself "it's OK, it's all OK... you'll still leave with her. You'll still walk with her after the session. Another girl will be there, but it's better than nothing..." I was going to find that out the hard way :P  No more than a few minutes after we get in, my fancy (and the girl she walks to the train station with) made arrangements to leave 10 minutes early. Being straight across from my fancy (one of the few things that went right that afternoon -- her face is so pretty! :D) I heard, and it was at this point that my head internally collapsed -- that's every avenue I have for initiating  form of contact exhausted in the space of 20 minutes. We were then instructed to clear our minds by writing whatever we were thinking about now for 2 minutes, which basically involved me writing what you see here condensed in to a short, handwritten paragraph (with increased profanity density :P).

Even knowing that I could (and, with a stroke of luck, will) bump in to her at the same time next week, being fully aware of her presence and able to take advantage of the opportunity, she probably won't be alone next time (nor any other) as I'm sure she usually walks with someone who was away this week -- the walking with her afterwards is also fucked seeing as I can't run fast enough to catch up with a 10 minute gap (and believe me, I tried. Hard.) There is, however, one teensy weensy little trick I have up my sleeve: illegitimately acquired contact details. That's right; you read correctly: contact details. I discovered that her e-mail address is in the big list of 'em when the whole group gets sent stuff. To use it would be a little unusual, yes, but what options do I have now? This is the only reliable one left -- the encounters leave too much to chance. With the group now working on our final task, ideas are being discussed, and her's is one of intrigue and mystery... I don't know just what it is, but it sounds... just interesting. What little details I have now don't fit, and she's the only one with the missing pieces, so let us ask for them! What do I have to lose? If I e-mail her and she replies, there's my ticket and off I go; if she doesn't reply, we know the answer to that all important question and can get the fuck on with life. It's win-win... for me, anyway :P

...you know what else I'd kill for? A DeLorean... with a flux capacitor and time circuits that actually work.

Self-Esteem: Stop Flicking That Goddamned Light Switch!

I recall in an earlier entry I wrote creating some wild metaphor where I described mood in terms of a fluorescent light, and how I had "severed the connection" so to speak, effectively disabling the bulb. I've successfully managed to solder the wires and get the bulb back up and running, but only to an intermittent extent. It's unusual how one minute I'm full of confidence, but the next leaves me lacking worth and cause... that can't be good :P  The first term that jumps to mind for most would be "bi-polar," and I'd be rather inclined to agree, but the second idea that comes in to play is that of seeking help... right :P  The only person who can help me right now doesn't even know who she is... nor do I know who she is :P  I have a fairly good idea who she is at the moment, sure, but I could be very very wrong (and it wouldn't be the first time.) My self-esteem has taken up bungee jumping, and if you've ever had one of your fluorescent lights just get up and decide to go bungee jumping, you'll know how dangerous (and hallucinogenic :P) such a situation is -- that bulb so much as taps that wall, and, without the rope even breaking, it shatters in to a million pieces... goodbye Mr. Bulb...

...there I go again :P  Metaphors: how do they work?

This pendulum-esque behaviour usually starts when I begin comparing myself to others. I'm a very judgmental person, both unto myself and everyone around me. If you've so much as been in my presence for more than a few seconds, or if you've said so much as a word to be, I've assessed you, top to bottom :P  It's a hobby that only retains its appeal with the possibility of someone I'm judging to be "worse" than I am, hence making me feel better about myself -- I use the term "worse" loosely because to call Person A "worse" than Person B is just fucking ignorant, seeing as people do not have a "quality value" attached to them for easy comparison (as everyone seems to think these days). Compared to people I find on the Internet, I'm an intelligent, talented and credible figure. With all the brain-dead motherfuckers out there in the digital realm, I can at times see myself as some kind of mystical deity; one of the few who somehow retained the ability to communicate on a level beyond that of the virtual commoner. When I return to the real world, however, things take a mighty turn mighty fast :P

My life in a sense more broad than the computer is nowhere near as appealing, and I'm sure many others would look down on my position considering my circumstances -- I am alone most of the time, with hardly a name or two I can attach to "friends;" I am without the desire to meet new people or enter new places; and I am without the eager nature to do things that have even the *potential* for catastrophe, unlike everyone else in my demographic who all seem otherwise impatient and careless. The people I know are always socialising and doing dangerous shit (at least what I consider dangerous :P) and it evidently makes them happy... so what the fuck is stopping me? Fear! I don't want to be killed in a car accident by some dope who can barely tell left from right when he's sober, not do I want to take control of any similar death machine! Fuck that! I've got things to do, and I don't need a car to do any of them! Thinking of myself in this way destroys all hope and all happiness, leaving me empty inside for a seemingly indefinite time. This is all intensified as my ex comes to mind, always ending with me pondering on my worth as a person and wondering why I should even try to socialise when it's evident I'm just not good with people.

As we hit the middle of the pendulum, now at near maximum velocity (yes; my metaphors obey the laws of physics :P), we approach light speed, and as everything is a dark blur, I begin to search for anything that reflects light. Usually, this is my fancy -- probably because she's fair-skinned and hence reflects lots of light :D -- but those questions of "what does she see in me?" come back to fuck with my head once more. The momentum this pendulum has, however, is incredible (it's fuckin' big, man!) and these questions fade; they aren't answered, but they aren't prevalent either. I just see her and all the things we could do together; I see us. I'm aware it could all be a big fantasy that may never come to be (I'm not mental or anything :P) but it brings that smile I once had right back to my face. It's been a bit harder recently having not seen her for nearly three weeks now, but the power is still there. Hopefully, if I do end up with her (or anyone else, for that matter) we can stop the pendulum somewhere on this side -- as I said, it's heavy, so you'd probably need two people to stop it.

I'm evidently not taking my own advice with the "stopping the metaphor" thing :P

The real kicker comes when I come back to what I've always had and what will always be there for me; what will never die: comedy. As a writer and a performer, I'm always comparing myself to others at both an amateur and professional level, and this is what I've been using lately to bring myself back up to par. In my country, there's a national stand-up competition called "Class Clowns." Last year, when I was only just starting to write comedy, I put together a five minute performance of all the good jokes I had and presented them in the local heat. Now, remember: it's stand-up; you're going up there alone, without backup and without a safety net. It's do or die, and I... sustained minor injuries :P  At the end they basically said "you were pretty nervous, so we're gonna give this to the other guy -- however, your material left his for dead."

My material left his for dead, did it? Of course it fuckin' did! The other guy just did a shit-ton of racial and sexual humour; I can write that with my fingers sewn together! Wit, wordplay, intellect and the power of suggestion always triumph, and with a year of writing and performance experience under my belt (not to mention the "balls of steel" I now carry with me at all times :P) I can get in there and kick some fuckin' ass! I've watched the winners of the last two years' competitions, and while they were damn funny, I can point out performance and writing flaws in each one with regards to both relevance, cleverness, audience appropriateness and intellect. They made fun of topical stuff and teenage stuff: Facebook, isolated incidents of violence covered by the media, and celebrities. That material ages fast, and if you don't keep it up to date, it may not even last from the local heat to the grand final. My piece, whilst it does cover some topical issues (it's always good to talk about recent activity -- makes you look like you're committed to your routine) the majority of it is all about the English language, religion and women; three issues that won't be going out of style any time soon. That, coupled with the metal testicles (bleugh :P) should get me pretty damn far, so long as I practice.

I might not win though... gotta keep in mind that I'm not the only one in the country with comic talent... can't get over confident; pride cometh before the fall, and all that... oh shit, no no. Please Mr. Pendulum, don't fall, DON'T FALL! GODDAMN IT! COME BACK HERE! COME BACK HEEEEEERRRrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee... !

Idiocy: The New Black

I haven't been on this Earth for very long, but boy, I've gotta tell ya... there are some stupid-ass motherfuckers walking around this place! I know that as humans, we all make mistakes, but when did being a moron become a fad? It's moronic to act like a moron, and it is not, is never was, and it never will be "cool" or "hip" to be a dipshit. Acting like a dipshit can be funny, but actually being a dipshit means nothing but bad things for the world as a whole. What makes it even more astounding is that I'm not actually exclusively talking about children and their usually-retarded behaviour; there are just as many -- if not more -- dopey adults who make up part of the human population, whose retarded actions aren't excusable via lack of age or personal experience! I don't take myself to be a genius; I make mistakes and mess up all the time, but the number of times I think "wow, that's fuckin' stupid!" is far more often a reference to what someone else did rather than what I did.

Prime example: I was watching a news story online (which is a great source of moronic material by default :P) and the report was about a double-shooting that had occurred in Sydney. According to the source, the perpetrator went in to the victims' apartment complex, went up to his apartment, got in one way or another, had a heated discussion with one of the victims, and shot him in the stomach. The other (soon to be) victim tried to escape by climbing over a balcony railing and making his way to the ground, only to have a cap quite literally popped in his ass. In spite of all of this, the victim and his dual-hole buttocks, rather than calling an ambulance or the police, or at the very least asking someone else for help... decided to go down to the local cafe shop and have a nice cup of holy-shit-I'm-bleeding-out-my-arse latte. Only when the cafe staff noticed the blood dripping out the guy's arse did the paramedics and coppers get involved.

So, let's get this straight: this guy has taken a bullet to the behind, and decides that coffee will make this all go away... what!? First, let's start with the obvious: if you've been shot, and you don't call an ambulance or the police, you've probably got something to hide :P  Why the fuck would you want to delay the removal of a round in your keister, let alone attempt to sit down on it in a cafe? That's just giving yourself away, that is :P  Not to mention what a dick his flatmate thinks he is now; he didn't even get help for his friend! Tsk tsk tsk. What gets me is that he went to... a cafe... to get coffee... WHAT!? Coffee is full of caffeine! Caffeine is a stimulant; it would make the pain worse! I can understand one going to a bar to try and numb the pain with alcohol -- this makes far more sense, albeit still being a relatively stupid idea :P -- but why would you want to make your nervous system even more alert given the situation!? Dumb cunt is dumb; let us proceed :P

In a more general sense, I'm really getting sick of stupid people asking even stupider questions. The Internet is made up of a giant pile of stupid people and a giant pile information, and they can't find one another because the populace consists primarily of lazy, unenlightened douchebags inherently incapable of thinking properly. There are two types of shitty questions: the ones that have a simple, objective answer that you can find with a Google search are the most prominent. Why are people incapable of using a search engine? "Where do I get this item in LittleBigPlanet? What's the level where you find this prize bubble in?" HOW IN THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW!? HOW!? WHAT AM I; A LITTLE BIG ENCYCLOPAEDIA? LOOK IT UP, YOU DAFT TWAT! Woah; all caps! I'd better drink some coffee to calm my mad self down :P

Then there are the questions that are so vague, an answer only results in a follow-up question that's slightly more specific, but still far too general to answer properly! I was recently asked "how do i make machines tht move with the controllernater?" Well, assuming "controllernater" means "Controlinator," the answer is... "you hook the buttons and sticks up to whatever you want them to do." Would that help them? Not really! It depends on what machine it is, what buttons you want to do what, and how the rest of your level is designed -- I'm not as psychic as these people think I am, nor are answers to these questions going to help these poor fuckers. People tend to ask these questions when they think it's appropriate to skip all forms of experimentation and just take the easy way out, evident by the fact that they come to the table with no information for you and no experience to share with you. Here's a tip: try some shit first, then come and ask questions! Perhaps you should find and take in relevant information that's already out there, proceeding to try to apply it to what you're doing; you know, being self-reliant!

Thankfully, a lot of these questions come from children, who are morons by nature, and whose learning ability is at such a high that they can (hopefully :P) learn quickly not to do this again in the future... yeah, and maybe that nitwit having metal surgically removed from his rectum can learn how not to look like a criminal. Some say the very definition of insanity is trying the same thing twice and expecting a different outcome; I associate such a definition with idiocy, but I suppose it fits the other i-word just as well. We've all been there, and we all know that were were full of questions back then, as well as the fact that those questions were outright stupid sometimes :P  I question the new generation and their ability to learn, however... they just seem so dumb! Am I just a judgmental, conceited dickhead, or am I expressing a serious and shared concern here?

I thought everyone's ability to learn would last them a lifetime... looking at these new guys... perhaps I was wrong...

Addiction: Protector of All That Is Holy, Deliver Me from Crash Bandicoot

Man oh man... it's been a crazy few days! I've got two weeks of (relative :P) relaxation time from my otherwise busy schedule, and what's the first thing I do? Play Crash Bandicoot! Fuck catch-up, fuck preparation for the future and fuck socialising with friends I don't have; it's time for some old school platforming with our favourite marsupial friend! Perhaps the title should have been "Priorities: I Don't Has" :P  I have been doing a lot of work for LittleBigShow in between sessions -- it's taken ages to edit because a new game calls for changes aplenty -- but that furry little bastard has swept me away to a land of pure digital bliss... and seemingly endless cursing that's eventually met with a platinum relic :P  It's crazy how something can suck you in like this, and many would consider playing video games for (what I consider to be) long periods of time bad for one's self in terms of physical and mental well being, but those fuckers are probably bored stiff from their 9-to-5 routine and a lack of self esteem that causes them to call anything differing from the norm "unhealthy" -- they should play some Crash Bandicoot! Give these people a PlayStation and the original trilogy! Relieve them of their piousness to conformity!

I actually started out playing Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped, skipping the first two games in exchange for something I was more familiar with, seeing as I grew up playing Warped and never had the other two. The nostalgia is mind-blowing; playing a game where I used to scrape through and barely got past the main storyline, but now having the skill and ability to go back and get everything there is to get... it gives me a strong sense of power, as if I'm some kind of gaming God. It's amazing how I can ignore the blocky graphics and the low polygon count, being able to just play and play, enjoying the game for what I'm doing in it rather than what I'm looking at during gameplay. We all know from experience that a more powerful system does not necessarily make for more enjoyable titles; the responsibility for AAA content always has and always will lie with the developer, and Naughty Dog knew what the fuck they were doing :P  After I got all the gems and gold relics, I finally earned me 105% completion -- and for those of you pondering on that, remember: this game puts you in the role of a bandicoot with a mystical mask for a friend and a wumpa-bazooka as a weapon; 105% completion is far from the most illogical concept this game has to offer :P -- but I still wanted all the platinum relics, so off I went trying to get them... and fuck me, they can be hard! A few of them are easy, but some of them are damned tricky! You usually can't make a single mistake, or you'll have to restart. Every jump must be timed perfectly, every jump justified, and every time box broken, or you're sweet outta luck, jolly well fucked, and restarting the level as you swear and curse your way in to mental oblivion -- it makes me wonder why I play if I'm just gonna go ape-shit at a TV screen :P  And don't get me started on the jet-ski levels... just don't.

After I got all 30 platinum relics (a feat I thought was far beyond my ability) I wondered what to play next... well, isn't it obvious? Let's play the next Crash Bandicoot game! I'm evidently losing control over myself here :P  The next one required me to blow the dust off my PS2 -- I'd play it more, but the component cables I used to use to hook it up to the TV are now permanently connected to my capture card for my PS3, and I can't be fucked buying more cables, so the poor bastard's been left alone for months at a time over the past year or so... oh well, this is sure to get his spirits back on high! Crash Bandicoot: Wrath of Cortex is basically Warped, minus the cartoony PS1-era presentation and with a few level changes: namely no stinking jet-ski levels, and the added ball-rolling levels! They are sweet! If there's one good thing that came out of this game, it's the ball-rolling. *You may insert a reference to Chamillionare's "Ridin'" here if you find such references humourous.* For every good idea, however, there's a whole bunch of fuck ups -- take the camera, for instance: it's god awful, especially in the underwater levels, where enemies appear on screen out of nowhere, giving you only half a second to react... annoying shit, let me tell you. Speaking of annoying, how about the loading times? The original trilogy didn't even have loading times, and this is the PS1 we're talking about here! These loading times, whilst not totally unbearable, are still irritable... and the music doesn't loop! Naughty Dog figured that shit out; why can't these new guys do it?

They're both enjoyable titles though (hence why I've been barely able to put the controller down) but when I play video games with this chronological density, I wonder... am I playing because I enjoy it, or am I playing because I need to? Did I go "hey, you know what would be fun? Playing the next game in the series" or "gimme a game gimme a game gimme a game any game I don't care so long as I'm not doing anything productive gimme gimme gimme!" What's gonna happen when I finish this one? Am I gonna go out and get Crash Twinsanity in my urge to manipulate this little bandicoot digital existence? Am I gonna go back and play the first or second game in the trilogy? Am I gonna go outside due to a critical Vitamin D shortage? I don't wanna spend my days getting crystals, gems and relics, no matter how fun it is! I have a girl to chase, damn it, and she sure as fuck ain't gonna be impressed by gaming statistics of any kind, even if they do defy the basic laws of mathematics.

That's one question I asked myself during a gaming session: if I had the choice between playing a new game I've been eager to get for a long time, and a date, which would I choose? In theory, I'd pick the date -- that's a fuckin' no-brainer right there -- but in practice... I'm not even sure anymore :P  I'd have to put the controller down to get to the stage where I'd be offered a date, so I suppose it's not as simple as my hypothetical makes it out to be. I thought about my fancy as I was doing some work in between gaming sessions (or am I gaming in between writing sessions... o.O) and one lone butterfly came to say hello to my stomach. It makes me glad that I'm not so warped (pardon the reference :P) by games that my mind leaves reality and enters the simulated one; that would suck, hard. I suppose that means I'm OK -- if I can still dream about bliss with people, I can still engage in my bliss with my gamepad.

What? I fell down that hole again!? AGAIN!? Oh, for fuck's sake!

Religion: The #1 Solution for All Your Clarity-Destruction Needs

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday... gotta get down on Tuesday :P I'm not even sure if I want to continue writing with what information has just popped out of nowhere and punched me in the face. I've met this motherfucker before, and a motherfucker he remains, as does his burden: religion is back to test my patience. I don't have much against religious people as a whole; most of the ones I know are hardly different from the atheists and agnostics I know with regards to their acceptance, their tolerance or their intellect. The problem is that it's always the person who I least want to have faith that has it, and this time, it's my fancy. I suppose the issue here is that she's religious and I'm not, creating an incompatibility I'm all too familiar with -- my ex girlfriend was (and is) Christian, and although she never told me why she wanted to end it all, I'm damn sure the whole "God thing" played a significant role in her departure from my life.

Believe me when I say I have no issue with her faith in and of itself; she isn't trying to convert me, so it doesn't bother me. It does get me, however, that it never came out! She has no chain around her neck with a cross or a crucifix hanging from it, she never mentions God, Jesus or anything else "holy," and she's wild! She's loud, proud and boisterous! She's sworn, she wants to be famous, and I've heard her talking about parties and drinking! Where's the fucking consistency here!? Did she convert only yesterday or something? Seriously... just... blargh! It just proves what I've been thinking all along: women make no sense. Don't look for consistency in women; you won't find any :P My ex girlfriend, whilst quiet, was obviously Christian; the cross around her neck put that fact out in the open, for all to see. Here, though: nothing!  How do you hide something like that? I mean, I'm glad she's not the type who goes on and on about it -- those people piss me off immensely -- but this is the sort of choice people usually take pride in... where is it here? No obligation for a symbol within the church, I suppose...

This takes me back to when I liked my ex. I knew she was Christian, but I didn't give a shit! I liked her enough to put this otherwise major difference aside and bear with the restrictions -- yes, I would have loved to stick my tongue down her throat and smother her with physical affection, but we didn't need to go there with the deeper connection we had with one another, so it had no real effect on us as a couple. We had a damned good time together! We did anything a normal couple does, and no deity stopped us from being together! The break-up, however, made it very apparent that conflicting religious values can end up being the deal-breaker in these kinds of relationships, and this new perspective in an otherwise identical experience has changed everything. I even wish I didn't know about it, for at least such ignorance would leave me happy! Seeing her arrive today put a smile on my face; this has effectively wiped it off,  knowing what could become of this new fancy and I should we come together.

My feelings for this girl have diminished, and it saddens me a great deal -- not because she's religious and the implications that come with that, but the fact that I care that she's religious. The thing is that this little escapade has kept my hope for something (aka "someone") better alive for the past month, and it won't die without a fucking fight; it won't prosper without a fight either, but it won't go down unless I stomp the now quiet flame out. Surely, this girl is no less beautiful, no less intelligent and no less remarkable because of a mere difference in faith; I can't just expect her to mirror my faith (or lack there of) can I? Not everyone believes what I believe. This difference didn't stop me last time, nor shall it this time -- and, let's face it: this shit is still in the research and development phase! I don't even know if she likes me back yet! I'm thinking too far in to a merely potential future! I'm still without sufficient information to make any informed judgement as to whether this relationship can or will blossom, irrespective of religious grounds! It's way too easy to get caught up in shit like this, especially if you've got nothing else to think about :P

Regardless of what "stage" this hootenanny remains in, it'll all have to wait; I don't see my fancy for three weeks... three weeks! The way I see it, if those butterflies don't come back the next time I see her, all this can be safely put to rest, no one the wiser... lest she see this... like that's gonna happen :P As for contacting her... sweet outta luck there; no email, no phone number, no nothing :P  Fuck all to show for all my mental strain except for what you see written in front of you. It makes me think though: what the hell was up with all the signs? The greetings were normal -- her character -- but the weird compliments and the asking me to go first... methinks something's afoot there :P  Do we have another Christian falling for an agnostic? Now that she knows I ain't a believer, however (she's gotta know by now,) does that change things with her? This week was nothing special: no greeting, no otherwise irregular conversation, hardly a glance... perhaps it's ended for both of us... or maybe it's just the beginning...

THIS WEEK'S HOLLYWOOD ENDING BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

FEELINGS: THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU WISH THEY WOULD JUST FUCK OFF FOR A SEC SO YOU CAN THINK

Assemblies: Now With Added Relevance

Picture this: you're standing in front of 800 people, about to address them. No one knows what you're going to do; they know you're going to say something, but only a select few have any real insight as to what you plan to spout. You're nervous, and rightly so; you could get in trouble! You could fall in to a hole too tall to climb out of! You could fall so far that any hope of seeing daylight again would be totally and utterly destroyed by the inbound darkness! You could get in to some deep shit -- real deep shit -- but you are determined to get up there and speak. The previous speaker gives you the microphone, and the audience expects just another message, only to be met with an unusual and seemingly random comment about a linguistic folly, then a joke about a fence. The audience is now laughing and cheering harder than you could ever imagine (you didn't think it was that funny) as the big boss takes the microphone from you, proceeding to talk for 5 minutes about how it's wrong to waste people's time.

This was me at 11:15 this morning.

To make that a lot clearer for those of you who don't attend my educational facility, what I've just described was this weeks installment of our weekly assembly, and it differed from the norm in the fact that I got up and made a political comment regarding our (Australia's) indigenous culture and its acknowledgment, as well as a crack about a fence that's being installed all the way around the facility I attend. This was met with an incredible and seemingly unbelievable reaction from my audience, as well as disapproval from our facility's head honcho. 15 seconds of applause and a 10 minute one-on-one talk with the aforementioned honcho is a fair price to pay for a minute of stage time :P I'm a (wannabe :P) comedian: when I see 800 people sitting and listening to the reproduction of the sound traveling in to a microphone that it seems just about anyone is allowed to use for a minute or so, what the fuck do they expect me to do?

I'll put the two comments in context; the first comment deals with indigenous relations in my country. At each public gathering that any government body oversees, a representative reads aloud the "Acknowledgement to Country," a passage that (supposedly) recognises the former sole residents of this country -- the British colonised the country in the late 1700s and early 1800s, and needless to say, the indigenous people didn't have much fucking input :P  This is all well and good -- at least, in theory, provided the intention is to advance indigenous reconcilement rather than just being a doohickey that relieves the government of guilt -- and I support this acknowledgement, however, its wording is poor. The expression I question is the part where the indigenous people are referred to as the "owners" of the land, which, according to documented history, they are not; they believed the land to be an entity that they were one with, not a commodity to be bought, sold or exploited. Ownership is a European term and a European concept; thus, I see no place for it in such an acknowledgement -- to quote George Carlin: "...we do think in language, and so the quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language." This comment go no reaction, just as I expected, for it actually made the audience think for a goddamned second! They didn't see it coming, but it wasn't just to get the brains in the audience rolling; more was to follow :P

Comment two: the fence. As I mentioned before, there's a fence going up all the way around our little facility: the "vertical bar" variety in a nice shade of black. I think this too is stupid; not so much because of the fence's purpose -- to "keep out unwanted guests" according to the officials the project has been mandated by, but it's there just as much to keep students in; believe me :P -- but because of its look. No, the facility isn't an art project, but it looks shitty enough as it is: we've got this dull grey paint covering the buildings (installed after I started attending, covering an otherwise tolerable navy,) all the students are (expected to be :P) in uniform, and there are even bars covering some of the windows; does this place need to look more like a prison? It was this line that sparked my implicit dismissal as I was relieved of the microphone to the tune of uproarious applause; I hate to mention it repeatedly, but it was fucking insane! I expected a chuckle here and there, but nothing like what actually happened! This too probably spelled the end of my little tirade; God forbid the students hear and share the opinion of someone they can relate to :P

This was followed by head honcho going on about how the assembly isn't a platform for political commentary, and that such banter is a waste of time... what the fuck? I see people get up there week after week and spout all kinds of shit about women's rights and the third world -- important issues, no doubt -- but I can't take the piss out of a fence!? I can't comment on something more relevant to these people? Not to mention the fact she rambled on about this for five times the amount of time I spent with my little crusade; is that hypocrisy, or is that hypocrisy? Wanna make it clear that the assembly's time isn't to be wasted? SHUT UP AND GET ON WITH IT! I'd speak of the 10 minute conversation head honcho and I had afterwards... but we'd be here all day :P

What amazes me is the plethora of attention this has sparked in not only me and my "balls of steel," but the presented issues themselves. My friend tells me that Facebook is alive with conversation; mission completed! That was the whole fucking idea: to get people thinking! I won't lie: it was also an ego trip, and a damned good one -- it's not everyday you have students coming up to you telling you the materials out of which your testicles have been constructed in their metaphorical world :P If you're gonna get up and speak, I feel you should be proud of what you have to say and embrace it, not to mention stick behind it, even if your views have changed. Take it in -- you only live once! That, however, was just as much a goal as the discussion was, and if people are talking about these issues and taking an interest, my work is done. I don't want to tell people how to think; I want to encourage people to think, as well as make people laugh. Views need to be challenged to be developed, and that goes for me as much as anyone else. Got a problem? Speak up; something cool might happen!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a few drums of insta-dry rainbow paint to acquire :D