To Go Out or not to Go Out: That is the Question

So I've been invited out for New Years, but not by the person I expected. My mum invited me down to the local bowling club to celebrate there instead of being at home alone.

At first, I'm like "well fuck that. A room full of old people? Old music I don't even recognise? That sounds awful." But that's not what it'll be. My mum tells me there are plenty of young people there, and that though there will be old music from one of the bands, there's another band playing that's closer to my generation. So it's nowhere near as awful as I'm making it out to be.

I still fear it'll be a little awkward. I mean, I'm there with my mum for fuck's sake :P  On one hand, that's like... weird. On the other, though, does it really matter? Will anyone care? No one who matters would care. And I don't have to hang around her if I find someone else to talk to. That's the other scary part, though: I don't really have any wing-people, so to speak. If I wanna talk to someone, whoever it is, I'm on my own. I can't have my mum introduce me: that would be more awkward than introducing myself :P  My mum did say it'd be acceptable for people to dance by themselves and that you wouldn't get looked at funny if you were without a partner, so at least I'll be able to shake my groove thang without too much worry :)

My mum even said I could get laid, speaking of the many 'loosy-goosy' women who would be present at the club :P  But if I went, I wouldn't expecting anything in the sex department. I mean, my mum is technically right—I could get laid—but the odds are slim-to-nil. I don't wanna go just for the sake of that: I wanna go out to have fun. If having fun means getting laid, then that's cool, but it must be incidental. I'm not gonna go out there and approach women for the sole purpose of losing my V-card; that would be silly.

I think it's gonna come down to how I feel on the day. If I feel like going out, I'll go; if not, I'll stay home. If I go out when I don't want to, I'll hate it; and if I don't go out when I don't want to, I'll regret my decision. I can always walk home if I go and it turns out shit, so there's no real risk involved in actually going.

Contemplation: Hmmm...

I really wanna know what it's like for a girl to want me sexually. I'm just so fuckin' curious as to what that feels like. I wanna have sex for a lot of reasons, but the main one isn't wanting to know what a girl looks like naked in front of me, or what boobs feel like, or what pussy tastes like, or what it feels like to have my penis inside of a girl. I do wanna experience all that, certainly—but what I really wanna know what it feels like for a girl to look at you with those eyes that say "I want you". I wanna know what it feels like to see a girl checking me out like I check girls out. I wanna know how it feels for a girl to escalate physical contact by surprise. I wanna know how it feels for a girl to lay it on the table and bluntly state that she wants me.

I wonder if a girl has ever masturbated to the thought of me. I don't even know if a girl has wanted me sexually, let alone thought about me sexually. There are only two girls I know of who have ever liked me: my ex was raised in a Christian home so she may have thought such fantasies could be sinful; and the other is asexual, so she doesn't feel sexual attraction towards other people. Maybe my ex did think about me sexually—I wouldn't be surprised if she was curious—but if she did, I dunno if she touched herself while thinking about it. She never came onto me or tried anything funny, and the one time I tried to make out with her, she didn't really get into it, so if she was having such fantasies in her head at home, she evidently didn't want to go there in real life. I would have loved to be her first sex partner, but I'm fairly sure, even if we'd gone out for longer than we did, we wouldn't have gone all the way. And if there are other girls who have liked me or gotten off to the thought of me, I dunno who they are.

I don't think there's anything more arousing than a girl wanting me. It's the only commonality in my fantasies: the girl wants it. She's horny. She's wet. Sometimes she's so horny, she can hardly control herself, wanting it really badly; other times, she just flashes me a look when we're alone together, and we slowly disrobe and make love. I can't picture enjoying sex with a girl who doesn't want it, and I'd hate to go through with sex when the girl isn't in the mood. But when I picture a girl wanting it, I love how it feels. It doesn't just make my dick hard; it makes my whole body feel great. It's a similar feeling when I imagine cuddling a girl: they just want me there, holding them, cos it makes them happy.

It's part of the reason I wanna go out to more 'adultish' locations: cos this is where these things happen. It sure as hell won't happen if I stay in my room, and it can't happen if I'm only around friends—I have to be around strangers to find someone either attractive or attracted. And I don't know if I'm really attractive enough to get this kind of attention. I don't think I'm ugly, but it's more about what others think. It's hard to imagine a girl putting her hand on my chest and liking it when she'd basically be rubbing my ribcage :P

It kinda scares me when I think about how girls might react to me naked. I mean, I'm gonna fuckin love it when they take their clothes off: it's a naked girl! In front of me! What is there not to like? Tummy? Check. Legs? Check. Boobs? Check. Ass? Check. Pussy? Checkity check check check. That's my list done! But what does she want on my body? I know confidence is a big deal and that if I maintain that (because I'd have to have it to approach her in the first place and get this far :P), that might suffice. But my body's still a part of it. I'd even do basic exercise if it'd help, but it's pointless cos of the way I eat (which is its own can of worms when it comes to this stuff. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.

And I wonder how they feel during arousal and sex. How would a girl express her feelings if she were to describe wanting/fucking me? Is it the same as guys do? Or is it different? I guess it'd depend on the person, but I think their gender and orientation would have a lot to do with it. I know there's plenty of smut on the internet where chicks write about their sexuality, but I mean more how they'd feel with me specifically, and I'm fairly sure such material not yet been written or published :P  I like imagining verbal appreciation, like when the girl say "I like it when you touch me there" or "that feels really good", but why do they like that? I can't exactly stop during the middle of the act, grab a notepad, and say "go on, go on, this is interesting" :P

Lots of questions.

Opportunities: Improper Interpretations

I've been interpreting opportunities to do social things in a really bizarre way lately. I seem to hate missing chances to do social things, but then when I'm offered the same social thing, or at least something similar, I'm like "meh, whatever." These two mindsets cannot coexist harmoniously.

Like, the friend of mine whose birthday I went to: they went out at a certain point, and the day before, I had a panic attack about not being able to go due to not having ID. I'm like "fuck fuck fuck this was your once chance and you blew it you asshat, why didn't you get your license earlier, do they take birth certificates combined with uni ID? No, of course they don't, why would they, everyone my age has the goddamned card already >.<". But I got over it relatively quickly and convinced myself that, no, I hadn't missed out on anything too major. Would have liked to go, but couldn't—I'll just wait till next time, right?

I'm pretty sure the friend of mine is gonna leave the country too soon for her to go out again (lemme know if I'm wrong there, Lucy). Or maybe the venues just won't be open due to the holidays, and won't re-open until she's gone. That all made me panic again for a short while. But really, it's all OK, cos I have a second avenue: my family. My second cousins, who are a little older than me, go out too, and they aren't going anywhere, so they're far more reliable. My mum even into my room the other day and was like "Now that you have your license, you could go out on New Years Eve with your cousins!", to which I responded "...eh. I'd rather just stay home."

What? What? I get fucking pissed off when I can't go, but when I can go, I don't want to go? Not only that, but I didn't even have to ask for that invitation! The hell is this? Part of me thinks it's this idea that going with my friend would be more comfortable than going with my family. But that's backwards. I'd be just as comfortable going with both, and technically, my family would be better support because a) there are more of them, and b) they're older than my friend and I, hence having more experience. I'm happy to go with either out with either one, but in all honesty, the more reliable group is also the more practical group. The other option isn't even a group; it's one person!

And I kinda feel like a social leech for even asking my friend in the first place, especially given how much shit is on her plate—she has way bigger things to worry about and she should not (and fucking will not :P) worry about inviting me anywhere. But I won't feel that way about my family cos I know they aren't as busy, and they'll be cool with taking me out. I gotta stop worrying about this one connection breaking for a while when I have this other really solid connection I can use instead.

And I know exactly what the fuck will happen if they go out on NYE and I don't: I'll sit at home, play some video games, and eventually think "...I would be having moar funz if I was out. Crap :(" I've already missed one opportunity; missing more is just fucking stupid :P

I'm actually hoping this whole 'going out' thing can become less elusive for me. The way I'm reacting, you'd think Jesus showed himself at these venues and I missed his second coming. This is not that different to going to a late movie, or a birthday party, or anything else I could possibly be invited to! It's the fucking same. The only difference is there's alcohol and dancing. People are still there, strangers are still there, assholes are still there, women are still there: it's just people meeting up and socialising in an environment I haven't been in before. Are there new opportunities? Sure. I'm not exactly likely to get laid at a late night movie with friends :P  But is it that much different? No. It's not even the first place I've been to where there's alcohol and young adults. I've already been to at least one thing like that, and even if it wasn't a bar/club specifically, it's the same atmosphere.

And thinking it's different will make me act different. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club, better act like it!", I'll either get really nervous really quickly, or act like a tryhard and look like a complete ass. If I'm like "Oooh, I'm in a club. Let's walk around and see what's going on :)", I'll be way more calm and likely to interact with people. I can't take it for what I think it's gonna be; I have to take it for what it is.

I've had lots of social success with my friends this year, more than I expected. We've stopped meeting up at uni, which kinda sucks, but I've still managed to organise quite a few things this year to compensate. I've had three gaming days, one of which was my birthday, and they were all super fun. I've invited one particular friend over heaps of times, meeting her in the mall then going back to my place to do stuff. I guess you could say we're best friends now :)  And I've invited one or two other people over periodically. I even have one extra gaming day in the works, which will hopefully happen before the end of the year. I haven't really been invited as much, but I still went to two birthday parties, a movie or two, a gaming day at someone else's place, and maybe one or two other things I can't remember right now. This is way better than last year: I've taken initiative and made plans on my own more times than I would ever have expected myself to. It's progress, and I should be pleased with it.

This 'going out' stuff is nothing but the next step in the process. I was nervous when asking people over on Facebook cos I was like "Man, they probably have better stuff to do... >.>" but that isn't there now. My fears of bars and nightclubs are the same kinds of fears: ones that will go away eventually once they're confronted.

I think the main thing that will get me by is this realisation: the key is not to think. I didn't want to invite people over cos I thought they'd have better things to do. When I stopped thinking that, it stopped being a roadblock. Might they have had better things to do, prior commitments and the like? Certainly—some of them did. But most of them didn't. When I went to the birthday party a few weeks back, I thought less and reacted more. I didn't hold back anywhere near as much as I usually do, and I had fun because of it. I was with friends, so it was a safe environment anyway, but I was still at greater ease than I usually am in social things. And the same goes for going out: if I just let stuff happen rather than getting caught up in what will happen, or what has already happened, it should be cool. Good stuff will happen, bad stuff will happen, but it won't have such a stranglehold on my emotions.

My brain has to act like the US government did during the shutdown: only the essential parts must be kept running, and everything else gets turned the fuck off. I still have to be vigilant—new environments can be dangerous, so I have to be at least a little wary—but I'll have my family to keep an eye out too, at least initially, so that will make things safer.

This could very well be the alternative start to socialising I've wanted seeing as the stand-up thing will have to wait a few months. I should embrace it :)

Progress: Left Foot Forward, Right Foot Backwards

Groin pain skywards.

I finally got my driver's license! I can finally get started on learning to drive. Even now that I have the card, the whole 'driving a car' part is still freaking me out. I know what all the signs mean, what lanes I can use, where I can change lanes, where I can stop/park, all that crap. But the not-running-people-over, concentrating-all-the-time, not-hitting-another-car part? Ssscccaaarrryyyy. I know it'll take some time to get used to the basics of starting and stopping, changing gears, turning corners, when to check mirrors and look behind. I'm pretty sure I can do those things. Doing them around other cars though? Eeeeeeep :|

I can also go out now! :D  I was really looking forward to it before, but lately, even that's started to look difficult again. I mean, if I went, I doubt anything really bad would happen. I might say something stupid, feel awkward—certainly nothing worse than getting rejected by some chick I've started talking to or dancing with. But what pops into my head when I'm not feeling good is, like, some thug bashing the shit out of me, or my ID not being accepted, or being glassed or raped, or some other absolutely ridiculous scenario. None of those things are impossible, but they're soooo unlikely that I may as well not think about them. It's not helpful at all. I think if I do go out, I will be happy I made the decision to do so, even if I would have otherwise been fine with not going. Just the relative maturity of it all will probably make me feel pretty confident :)

Speaking of socialising, I was on reddit a while back and discovered two awesome subreddits that should be a big help for me: r/socialskills and r/faimprovement (Forever Alone Improvement). While r/seduction has helped me somewhat, its focus is on men dealing with women, whereas the other two are focused on socially awkward people dealing with other people of all sorts. After thinking about this for a while, I realised that I'm shit with people. I'm not shit with women specifically; I'm just shit at socialising in general. And I need basic social skills downpat before I can go beyond introductions and friendships to things like dating and hooking up. There are certainly things I need to work on when it comes to talking to women specifically, so it's good to know there are resources out there for that; and once I get far enough along with basic social skills, I can effectively work on both at the same time if I want to. But right now, I'm just not there yet.

That realisation kinda sucks because so much of the reason behind my wanting to go out more is to meet someone I can date or hook up with, but there's so much shit to do before I'll be able to even approach women I like the look/sound of. It seems so far away that, if I feel down, I think to myself "what is the point? The only reason I want to be with a woman is because I like how it feels to be with one. Couldn't I just... not pursue this? Am I sacrificing that much by just not talking to them or trying to fuck them or whatever else it is I want?" But I think it'll come with time. As soon as I see some chick I like, my brain will be like "Hey you know that stuff I said about not talking to women? omg I was so stupid when I said that, lol. :O nononononono, don't, like, rush over there. That would be silly. Gimme an hour or two to think about possible introductions. Just, like, think about approaching her, and stuff :)"

And I miss physical contact sooooo much. Not just hugging and cuddling, either--all the little stuff gets to me even more. I had a friend over the other day, and we were watching Whose Line on the lounge. She then rested her head on my shoulder. She's not interested in me (she once was, but says she no longer is, and I believe her), and I'm not interested in her, so it wasn't romantic. But it still felt really awesome. This pleasant tension arose in my stomach, something I haven't felt in a long while. It didn't matter that she was just a friend; I just like it when girls lie on my shoulder like that. But when a friend does it, as gratifying as it feels, I can't put my arms around them, I can't stroke their hair, I can't lie on their shoulder--the interaction can't go any further. I miss holding hands, too, though I haven't done that with a girl for ages. And even if I have, it hasn't been the cutesy, interlocking fingers, stroking-the-back-of-her-hand-with-my-thumb variety. That's what I miss.

(I really fucking hope that isn't a sign she still likes me, cos if it is, as nice as it feels, it's a sign of some serious one-itis :P)

It's so strange reading about how socially acceptable it can be to touch people you've just met if you do it the right way, escalating the touching such that you touch different parts of them in a certain order (so long as they're cool with it). It's like "wow, really? I don't have to wait too long to do that? Cool! :D" but then the perceived risk factor hits and it's like "no no no no no no no omg that's so creepy, wow, jeez, don't do that, holy shit she'll smack you >.<" In any case, I'd need major balls to initiate anything like that, whether with some chick I just met or someone I've already met who I wanna ask out or something. I guess longing for it will give me incentive, which I definitely need, but still... scaryyyy.

Hmm... I wonder if, instead of a fuck buddy, I could get a cuddle buddy. That would be cool :3

Social Anxiety: y u do dis?

So I got invited to the party I mentioned in the last entry, which I'm pleased about :)  They're going a few hours after the party starts—hearing about that irritated the shit out of me cos if the RMS weren't so stringent/moronic with their ID requirements, I'd have my L's, hence having ID, and I'd be able to tag along. In reality, while it would be great to go, it's not a huge loss. I might be able to snag another invite soon after I (hopefully) get my L's next weekend, if not from the person who's party I'm going to then from someone else, perhaps my cousins who also like to go out. And it's not like I'm gonna go out one time and instantaneously hit it off with the ladies, or make a shitload of new friends—I'm only gonna make gains in those fields if I go out regularly. So this is only a temporary delay for the start of my going out, not the end of the world (could be the end, too, if I hate it :P). And I know damn well that as fun and new and exciting as it could be, it'll also be super fucking scary and nerve wracking and all that too, so I've incidentally postponed that saga as well :P  It felt so strange, not being able to go out, after having not wanted to go out for all these years.

I'm looking forward to the party, but I've felt nervous about it for the past few hours. I really don't know why. I mean, I'm not going into town with them, so the only part of this experience which could even possibly be 'new' to me is the part I'm not attending. It's a fucking birthday party with people I already know—what could possibly go wrong? I'm not gonna get bad-mouthed, insulted, judged, ignored, or anything like that. I have my gift and my card, so I'm not unprepared in that respect. I've got clothes to wear, I've got plenty of time to get ready before I leave, and I live nearby so I don't have to worry too much about travelling. Yet despite all that knowledge, I feel like I do when I'm standing at a stage door, moments from performing before an audience.

This kind of social anxiety is the worst cos I don't even know why I feel like this. If I did have my L's and I was able to go out, I'd totally understand why I was feeling nervous: I'd be going somewhere new, somewhere I'd never been before. I'd be around heaps of strangers in a building I couldn't navigate, where all the people I know would be spread out doing their own thing cos they all have done this before.  Having to deal with my brain throwing hypotheticals at me every thirty seconds, like "What if you can't get home? What if you don't have money for a cab? What if you get held up at knife/gun point? What if some huge guy starts a fight with you? What if you get rejected by some chick you talk to? What if you don't get rejected by some girl you talk to, and you somehow get her to go back to your place, and she sees the Nintendo 64 in your room with the Pokemon logo on it and laughs at you? What the fuck are you gonna do then? Huh!?" That's fucking scary. I'm sure I could bear it, but at least being nervous there would make sense. This doesn't make any sense! Hopefully it subsides before I go, but I have a feeling it'll only get worse. I'm sure it'll be fine once I'm at the party, just like I'm fine once I've told my opening joke when doing comedy. But until then... :/

---

Back now. Had a great time. Nothing bad happened. I told you, past self, but you just wouldn't listen. Gotta trust future self, bro; he's wise.

So yeah, I had lots of fun :)  My friend seemed to really like her gift: money for her trip, but in Great British Pounds rather than Australian Dollars. I know she's gonna have to get all her money converted anyway, but I thought it'd be cool to give her the money in pounds, just for the hell of it. I figured others would also give her money in GBP, as it seemed such an obvious thing to do, but they were the first pounds she'd actually held, so she got a nice surprise. Seeing as I'm usually shit with gifts, that went far better than expected.

I also talked to more people this time around. Last year, I mainly talked with one person the whole time. It's not like that was bad or anything, but it did mean I restricted myself a great deal in terms of who I interacted with. This time around, I spoke mainly to three people: all people I already knew, but still branching out more than last time. There wasn't really a focus on any one of the three, either; my attention was evenly divided. I had smaller interactions with some of the others, most of whom I knew but a few of which I didn't. I largely avoided talking to the people I didn't recognise, but didn't feel uncomfortable being around them or being spoken to by them. Baby steps :) I also managed to get two more visits with friends on the table, ready for scheduling later on, so that'll be awesome. I'd already managed to invite two friends over since uni ended, and this makes for one more friend being invited (and another visiting again) so I'm doing far better than I was this time last year. Glad I'm managing to keep the ball rolling :D

I even tried a new food! Not totally new, but still something I hadn't really tried before. The birthday cake was a home-made cheesecake, and I was like "the cake part is cool. I approve of the cake part. But the cheese part? I do question the cheese part." I eat heaps of things that either have cheese in them or are cheese flavoured, so I just said "fuck it" and took a plate. It was gggoooooooddd ^_^  I thought it'd have more of a creamy texture to it, but it was more solid, being cake and all, so I ate it right up. Didn't try anything else, but this is still something new, which makes me happy.

The only even remotely bad part was that I couldn't really dance, and that was cos the music just wasn't the kind I was into (our tastes in music are pretty much polar opposites). At one point, I was sitting on the couch, listening to the music, going "hmm. I would like to shake my groove thing all up in this mofo... but my ears are saying 'nooooooooo'". It's not that the music was unbearable or anything; I just have trouble dancing to music I don't know well enough, especially when no one else is really dancing either. Even if I'd hated the music with a burning passion, I could still have danced to it if I knew how it went, but I don't listen to Taylor Swift or Glee or One Direction... and even the prospect of dancing won't change that :P  Was only a small thing, though: the friend and I joked about it for a while after I mentioned it, so it was all gud :)

And I will dance to pop music, by the way. Some of my favourite dancing music is pop music. If, at any point, I heard "It's just one thing that got me trippin', it's just one thing that got me trippin', you did this one thing my soul may be feeling, it's just one thing you did", my head would go side to side with the "Ooohh, ooohhh, oh!" I'd dance to that shit. Even if it was Britney Spears saying "gimme gimme moar, gimme moar, gimme gimme moar", I'd dance, cos I recognise it. I hope they don't exclusively play Swift and 1D and similar music at clubs, or it's gonna be make an already hard job even harder :P

Speaking of that, when people left my friend's place either to go into town or go home, I managed to let my friend know that I was happy to be invited out again if she went. Part of me was like "Yes! Initiative! Letting people know you're interested! Good work :)"; the rest of me, after I left, was like "Hey, wait a minute.. you didn't thank her for inviting you! She thanked you for coming, and you said 'no problem', then let her know you'd happily take another invite into town, then you left! Oh yeah, hit her up for an invite, but don't thank her for what she gave you. Selfish fuck." I mean, I did thank her when she gave me the invitation, but it's always polite to thank someone for inviting you to stuff when you leave. When I realised, I was like "ssshhhiiitttt. Sssshhhiiititt! I always do that! I never not do that!" I didn't really stress about it much, but given that expressing courtesy for invites is one of the few social things I have down-pat, it felt foreign not to have done it this time. On the plus side, though, that reminder means there might be a chance for me to go out before the year ends! Yay ^_^

So yeah, had many funz, couldn't really have gone much better from my perspective.

Absentee

A friend of mine is having a birthday party soon. I only heard about it through another friend when they accidentally assumed I'd also been invited, even though I haven't been. This normally wouldn't be a big deal to me—people are free to invite whoever they want to their parties—but it surprised me that I wasn't invited. I invited her to my birthday, even though she declined, and I've invited her to other things I've hosted too. We've seen each other this year at meet-ups, and we've spoken, albeit infrequently, over our blogs. I was invited to her party last year, too, and I enjoyed myself for the most part. All this has left me very confused. And because I'm invited to stuff so rarely, it's fucked with my head since I heard about it.

The reason could be completely understandable: maybe there was a cap on the number of guests she could invite and I wasn't high enough up the list to get a spot (we aren't close by any means); maybe she only wants her close friends there; maybe she's holding it at an 18+ venue and knew I don't have the ID to get in; maybe she only wants close maybe it's a girls-only event, meaning I'm somewhat exempt :P  Shit, for all I know, maybe she thinks she has invited me with all the others but forgot to click my name or something. I have no clue. But, for all I know, the host decided in advance that, no, I was not to have an invite for some specific personal reason. I don't know, and I can't make assumptions of any sort: I can only guess and wonder. And when left to my own devices like that, I don't deal with it well.

This isn't the host's fault, and I'm sure that wasn't her intention. She's not vindictive like that, and if she is, she has no history of that with me. I can be quite sure she's not intentionally excluding me to bully me or make me feel bad. The thing is that when you've only been invited to one other birthday party over the rest of the year, this shit matters. Something which would otherwise seem small, petty, and not worth worrying over becomes fucking huge. This is one of those rare opportunities to get out of the house, to talk with people, to be social—around people I've met before, no less, only aiding me in being comfortable. I would have loved to go; I would almost certainly have enjoyed myself, like I did last year. I even had some clue of what to get her for her birthday, and that never happens for me:P  But I wasn't invited to the party. Again, it's obviously not the host's fault in any way that I'm short on friends and invites to things, but it does means that every invite I get means a lot to me.

I also wrote a blog entry back in September where I explicitly stated I wanted to be more social, and my friend here even commented, implying that she'd invite me out sometime in the future. I can't expect her to remember and abide by everything she's ever said to me—she's way busier than I am—but reading that comment gave me the impression that I knew at least one person who was willing to invite me to a social event at some point. It made me really happy to know that. Perhaps her position has changed since then, but if it has, could I at least be told so I don't continue to get my hopes up?

As ridiculous as it sounds, this confusion has led to me waking up each morning asking myself the same series of questions: "Why was I not invited? Which of my guesses is right? Are any of them right? Did I do something wrong?" I mean, it's not just that I haven't been invited, either; she hasn't even told me about the party. I doubt she even knows that I know the party is happening.

I evidently want an invite; I think it'd be fun to go. But at the same time, I don't want to directly ask her for an invite because I think that would come off as needy or strange, even obsessive. I mean, on one hand, going with the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" mantra, if someone I knew asked for an invite to my birthday, I'd probably be like "Sure, you can come :)", and my friend could well have the same response. Maybe if I were to ask, she'd be more than happy to send an invite my way, glad that another person wants to come along and celebrate her birthday. The thing is that I want to respect her right to invite whoever she wants to her party without being bothered by those she doesn't want to invite. I don't know which camp I fall into. I also feel that if she doesn't want me there of her own volition, going would make me feel unwelcome, even though I'd be there at the party with her permission. I don't think it would feel right. This blog entry is as close as I'll get to a request.

And my history with being attracted to her doesn't help, either. It only exacerbates the risk of this coming off the wrong way. But my desire to go has very little to do with her specifically. I don't want to go because it's her party; I want to go because it's a party, a friend's party. It's an event where I can hang out with people and just relax, not having to worry about being around strangers or feeling too anxious. Were the party for any other friend's birthday, I'd feel the exact same way, though I'd be more inclined to ask for an invite due to the lack of unusual history with said host. Half of this is about not wanting to make the wrong impression.

Hopefully my friend reads this before her party goes ahead, but if not, I'll just have to wait for the next thing to come along, whoever it comes from.

Self-Appreciation: The Ultimate Pyramid Scheme

Or at least a scheme that's represented by a pyramid. Hopefully these promises to myself aren't quite so empty :P

So I was browsing reddit, and I came across this picture:

I feel this sums up rather succinctly how I've been feeling about how I need to progress: I need to feel good about myself, then become interesting, then I can get to the good stuff. But I'm finding there are way more things down the bottom that I have to sort out, more than I originally thought; and on top of that, it looks like I'm going to have to postpone things or change my plan of attack, which is somewhat frustrating.

For starters, the Film and Performance Society at uni is yet to contact me about my stand-up, even though I sent them my latest video over two months ago. I dunno if they liked it or if they didn't like it, or even if they've seen it. A reply would have been nice :P  Maybe they expected me to turn up at one of their meetings and took my absence as a change of heart, even though I figured sending them the video would tell them everything they needed to know (and I was never told I had to go to any meeting). I dunno.

The reason this is so annoying is that the stand-up thing was the lever-operated-boot that was gonna get this whole self-confidence ball rolling, but now that's (probably) not gonna happen for an extra four months. That is a long time to be making no progress, especially when I have nothing else to do in that time (I might end up working full time for most of it, but it's still many a wasted night home alone). The obvious solution is 'find some other way to start this thing off', but I don't know what that is. This was intended to open social avenues because the ones I have now won't facilitate self-improvement--I can't meet anyone new via my existing friends, cos if I could, it would have happened by now. It's not their fault, either, cos this isn't their responsibility. It's mine and mine alone.

On top of that, there are other aspects besides mere social confidence that I think I have to address. There seem to be multiple areas of confidence where I'm lacking, and social confidence is only one of them. Eating is the other huge one, and that's a major part of the social problems I'm having in the first place. If that were no longer a problem, it'd solve half my problems in one fell swoop.

Firstly, I could go out to restaurants and other places where eating is the focus cos I'd be willing to actually eat. I wouldn't have to worry when being invited out, or inviting someone else out with me, about ending up at a restaurant and having to sit there not eating anything :P  I wouldn't have to fear asking some girl out and having her go "Oh, I know! Let's go to [restaurant she really likes]!", which will then lead to me either a) lying to get out of it, or b) somehow trying to explain myself without ruining her opinion of me in its entirety.

I can't even be sure how someone would react if I told them that. Tolerance varies from person to person, and I usually assume the worst cos that's what I always do. I found out recently that my condition actually has a name (Selective Eating Disorder), but when I did research on how people with SED fare in the world of women and relationships, I couldn't find anything. Any page on relationships with people who have eating disorders is invariably about girls with anorexia or bulimia, because those disorders are far more common than SED seems to be. But I can't imagine a woman's reaction being anything but bad. How would you react if some guy you were otherwise interested in had this entire aspect of their life totally screwed up? Couldn't cook for him, or with him; couldn't have him cook for you; couldn't go out to restaurants with him; couldn't eat at his/your parents'/friend's place with him... if you like any one of those things, it's not gonna go down well. I keep having to remind myself that people actually see cooking food and eating together as a common thing they can expect of others, cos it's so uncommon in my life that it may as well not exist as an activity :P

But, with that freedom comes the second plus: maturity. I will feel a hundred times better as a person if I don't have to keep navigating around this roadblock, cos it makes me feel like a fucking child. I'll feel better physically cos I'll be eating better, and I'll feel better mentally cos I'll be aware of all the cool stuff I can do. One thing seddit mentions all the time is 'living in the moment', and it's hard to do that when you're constantly trying to anticipate how you're going to react to something in the future so it doesn't hit you by surprise--in this case, being invited to eat somewhere. 

The problem with that is it's just such a huge issue that I feel I'm almost beyond repair at this point. Most of the time, it feels too late for me to change these habits cos they're so ingrained in my head that even the slightest change breathes discomfort right into me. It will take a long time to shift my mentality, if it's possible at all; and even then, I will never eat quite as much as everyone else. But all it would take for the most vital gain would be the ability to eat something--anything--you can order from a restaurant. Then I could at least have some option. And if I improve my eating habits even to that extent, telling people I have SED won't be as bad cos the SED itself won't be as bad. They won't see it as quite so abnormal if I can eat a few normal things.

I've also been having those weird bi-polar moments where I'm really sad one moment and perfectly fine within an hour. I dunno why, but I seem to be returning to the old ways of hypersensitivity, which is not a good sign. I think part of it comes from the aforementioned feeling of immaturity, but also from feelings of envy. I keep seeing photos of people I know in other countries, or writing about their plans to travel, or discussing where they want to work or live in the future. I don't really want to travel, and I don't have the slightest clue what I'm going to do with my life, but seeing other people talk about this stuff makes me feel behind.

The self-improvement stuff I'm reading mentions incessantly the need to be happy with your own life independent of what others are doing. But social media makes that fucking hard, man. I don't really use Facebook except to chat with one or two friends, but seeing all that stuff on my wall can be a real downer sometimes. Why do I care what they do? I don't want to give a shit about what they do or where they are or who they're with or where they work or anything of that sort. What does it matter to me? I just wanna be satisfied with what's going on with me, everyone else be damned. There are things I want to do, like perform stand-up, or attend improv classes, but these things aren't within my reach, nt geographically or socially. I'd have to go to exorbitant lengths just to get anywhere.

It's not like I don't dream about what I want to do and have my own wishes; they're just so far-fetched. I keep wanting to learn improv, get a group of players together, perform at uni regularly in both stand-up and short-form improv, but it's gonna be a while before I can get any of that together, if it's even possible at all given how few connections I have. I'd even like to tour around different Aussie unis to perform stand-up, once I got a good 30-45 minutes going--but again, how long is that going to take? Is that feasible? Or will it get in the way of uni, or my job if I ever get one?

I guess that does count as wanting to travel, just not in a typical way :P

Just not sure what to do. Will just have to look into things more and be prepared to put more effort in if I want to get anywhere. Until uni goes back, though, I don't see myself being invited anywhere or getting to perform. Gonna be flying the next few months solo.

Log: Engagement Party

So I went to an engagement party two weeks ago. I anticipated it quite a lot, as it's the first 'adult' social event I've gone to where I've thought "hmm... let's actually try to have fun" :P  Though I can't remember exactly when or where I saw this, someone on seddit advised that people keep logs on their social outings, so I've decided to do that. Not that I'll post them all here, but I want to keep a record of what I did right, what I did wrong, and what I can do in the future to not do the wrong things again.

POSITIVES

Conversed with family, more than usual

I talked more at this outing than I usually do. I was certainly more open to conversation, and more responsive when spoken to. I certainly could have been a little more talkative than I was, but this was an improvement, most certainly.


Did not feel uncomfortable with not having dinner or not being too conversational

Strangely enough, I didn't feel weird about not eating or not being as talkative as everyone else. Granted, most of these people know I don't eat properly anyway, but not everyone at the table knew, and I didn't care about what they thought. I wasn't asked about it any more than once, and I just said I ate before I came (which I actually did; I'm usually lying when I say that :P). There was also a pile of funsize chocolates in the middle of each table, meaning I could still eat a little bit in the company of other guests. After dinner, cos I was sitting with people my age, they talked about TV shows and other stuff which I wasn't interested in, making it hard to engage. But I simply listened as much as I could, rather than bowing my head and playing on my phone. Speaking of my phone...

Kept hands off phone for far longer than usual (and far longer than everyone else at my table)

Though I'm usually the first to whip my phone out (and never for any genuine reason, like getting a call or a text), I was the last person on my table to take my phone out. Theirs sat beside their plates; mine sat in my pocket. I did eventually take it out, but it was a long time before that happened. I just listened to the conversation, as uninteresting as it was (football and Big Brother can both fuck off and die plz).

Did not care about my teetotalism

I was the only one at my table (and probably the whole party) not drinking alcohol. But so what? Am I supposed to give a fuck or something? No one else gave a fuck, and even if they did, why should I? No concern whatsoever on my part :)

NEGATIVES

Didn't initiate conversation much

As much as I responded to being spoken to, and as much as I listened to the conversation around me, I wasn't exactly making my own conversation. I'm not to worried about that shortcoming, though. For starters, everyone at my table was super-different to me in terms of interests. They all liked sport, and I didn't. They talked about TV shows I had no interest in. We didn't have much in common, so I doubt there was anything I could have said to captivate their interests. Fuck, when they were talking about Big Brother, they kept saying it was a shit show but they watched it anyway--the cynic in me was having a fit. So many responses I rightfully kept to myself :P

Did not wish to dance

This was probably the biggest failure of the night for me. I'm here with family, people I should be (and, for the most part, was) comfortable with--but I didn't dance. I didn't want to dance. I wanted to feel like dancing, but I didn't want to actually get up and go over there. Maybe if there'd been some girls there my age who were dancing (who weren't my cousins, or my tipsy mother :P), I would have had some incentive to dance :P  But, alas, I didn't dance at all. This is also where the phone came out. I didn't feel uncomfortable with the phone, not at all; I felt fine sitting there playing Minesweeper and Sudoku. But I'd be a fool to deny that dancing would have been the better option in the long term, if only for the experiential gains I would have made.

I think there were two problems here that caused this (apart from the whole '0% chance of sexy times' thing :P). First off, where I was sitting at the table, I faced away from the dance floor rather than towards it. I looked over my shoulder a few times to see what was going on, but didn't really turn around that often. If I ever go to another event with a dance floor, I need to face it so I can see what (and who) I'm missing.

Visualised people in my head being sexual

When I was playing on my phone, the first 30 minutes or so were pretty cool; the puzzles were making me quite smiley. But eventually, for some reason, images came into my head of people feeling each other up, kissing, fucking each other. While it sounds like sexual frustration (it isn't... >.>), it's more that I was thinking this to be what should have been happening to me at this event. It was a side effect of me not dancing: my brain went "hey, if you went up there and danced, a girl might suck your dick. Think about that for a second." Maybe I don't want to think about that for a second :P  There were no women there my age, and even if there were, the chances of me getting that far were slim-to-nil for a wide variety of reasons.

The fact of the matter is my phone can only distract me for so long. After a while, it loses its ability to do so, especially when more social alternatives make themselves available. The only way to deal with this is to engage in something that actually takes my mind off that stuff--or, engage in activity that makes the sexy scenarios possible in the first place such that they act as an incentive rather than an annoyance. I'm not gonna care about visualising a blowjob when one's happening to me right there and then, am I?

Lips were dry towards end; was also tired long before everyone else

My bottom lip was dry as fuck towards the end, and all I wanted to do was go home and put Vaseline on the bastard so it didn't hurt. While it sounds like nothing, it was affecting my mood quite a bit. I mean, let's say there was some hot chick on the dance floor: would I have wanted to dance with her if my lip was starting to crust up? Of course not! What if she wanted to kiss me? What if that actually happened? Would I have let myself get that far, only to be thwarted by some goddamn lip-burn? Not a chance. Next time, Vaseline will be applied before I leave. I will not be held responsible for dry-lipped smooching. The cunnilingus will not be uncomfortable because of my lips. The sex I'll be incredibly lucky to have will only happen if  the entire body is on board, goddamnit >.<

I was also getting tired quite a while before we left. We did stay until, like, 1:30 am, so it's not like this is totally unreasonable, but I didn't eat much before we left (a box of breadsticks isn't exactly long-lasting energy), so I was running on empty towards the end. I basically need to eat more before i go out, like, I dunno... two boxes of breadsticks :P



Given my only real goal was to be comfortable, I succeeded for the most part. There were a few moments of mild discomfort, and they were quite short. This was a family thing, so it was easier for me to be comfortable here than it would be at a party with strangers, but this was still an improvement over the usually 'bored shitless' attitude I normally have at these things.

So, goal for next outing: four hook-ups in one night. Seems like the next step :)

Food: That One Thing I'm Definitely Wrong About

I have pretty weird eating habits, definitely weirder than most people. 'Fussy eater' doesn't really do it justice :P  I've never really eaten properly, and it's been this way for as long as I can remember. My mum certainly tried to get me to eat right when I was young, but never succeeded. Any attempt by adults to get me to eat anything I hadn't eaten previously (even things I love today, like chocolate) resulted in my refusal to submit--I really was a stubborn little bastard :P  I still am, too, as I haven't expanded my palette for nearly two decades now.

That said, there's nothing wrong with me physically. I'm not sick, and I don't get sick any more often than a regular person would. I don't have any difficulty moving or breathing, I don't find it hard to think; I don't have any trouble getting through everyday activities. I don't have cancer, diabetes, heart disease, or anything of the sort (which is pretty remarkable given the circumstances, lol). As far as health goes, I'm a lot better than I could be. But that doesn't mean there isn't huge room for improvement.

Here's a list of everything (and I mean everything) I can think of which I will put in my mouth:

• Corn chips
• Potato chips (plain)
• Crackers/biscuits (plain)
• Breadsticks (plain)
• French toasts (the kind you buy in packets)
• Muffins (plain)
• Anything chocolate
• Most lollies
• Puree apple (essentially baby food)
• Yoghurt
• Cake
• Butter (as an ingredient, not by itself, lol)
• Ice-cream
• Custard
• Pastries
• Most cereal (never with milk

• Water
• Milk (including flavoured milk)
• Iced coffee

As for the list of things I won't put in my mouth:

• Fresh fruit
• Vegetables of any kind
• Meat/poultry of any kind
• Nuts of any kind

• Soft drink
• Alcohol
• Hot beverages

So as you can see, the list of things I will eat is basically snack food or confectionery, and the list of things I won't eat is what you probably live on :P  And when I say I won't put these things in my mouth, I'm saying I will never ever ever put these things in my mouth for any reason. To me, it's unthinkable. Were you to try and get me to eat or drink anything in the second list, I would resist with all my might to prevent it from happening.

I've obviously been eating like this for ages, so to me, it feels normal. My mum's pretty tolerant of it (she buys all the food without a fuss), but she occasionally asks if I want to try something new, to which my answer is almost always 'no'. I don't care what it is: if any part of it falls into that second list, I don't want it. I refuse to expand here at all; I don't even really want to. I'm happy to keep eating the way I am. But it's certainly not the best option for me.

Thinking of this from a health standpoint, in a somewhat counter-intuitive way, my eating habits are kinda healthy. True, I don't eat fresh fruits, vegetables, or meat, but I don't eat fast food either. There are lots of unhealthy things I don't eat, which is one positive that comes out of this. The problem with that, of course, is that given what I won't eat, I really can't eat things that are healthy, meaning I'm only left with unhealthy stuff to begin with. Overall, I'm clearly in the red.

The same could be said of soft drinks and alcohol, but seeing as I mainly drink water, having milk/iced coffee every so often, I'm doing far better there.

The reason I don't want to eat anything new, as far as I can tell, is that regular food simply doesn't look appetising. It doesn't look edible. It doesn't look like food. I know it is food, but it doesn't look like anything I'd want as food. Most regular food looks pretty messed up to me. Fruit looks alright, even smells OK. If I was gonna try stuff, that's probably where I'd start. Same goes for bread: I already eat things that are like bread (cakes, muffins, breadstucks), and bread can smell pretty awesome sometimes too. But vegetables and meat look pretty awful. Vegetables look pretty 'meh' in standard form, and cooked, they look even worse. As far as meat goes... foul. Absolutely foul.

And with that, with the whole meat thing, it's not that I'm against animals being killed for food. I'm not saying there aren't issues with factory farming, animal suffering, and whatever else--there are certainly ethical issues there--but that's not why meat turns me off. I'm not a political vegetarian; I just think meat looks fucking disgusting. Cooked or raw, it's goddamn horrible to look at. And the smell! Holy shit, the smell >.<  I remember going to someone's house once and smelling bacon and eggs; I couldn't tell you how hard it was to prevent myself from throwing up. I'd heard so much about how fucking great it is to wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs, and was sitting there wondering how people were eating this stench! They were eating it! They wanted to eat it! Not that all meat smells quite that bad (and there were eggs involved there too, which couldn't have helped), but it's certainly not pleasant.

It's mainly a psychological thing: I've had such a narrow view of what's appetising for so long that it's extremely sensitive to anything outside that view. And trying new things is so foreign to me that I'm not comfortable with the concept. I get the whole "You can just spit it out!" thing (my mum says that all the time), but I'd rather just not go there.

As for what it is that I fear specifically, it's hard to tell. But I know I hate weird textures in my mouth, and I hate gagging. In the past, when I've tried things, I've gagged a lot. I remember plenty of times where I'd try something new, I'd have a really weird taste or texture, and I'd then gag over and over until I spat it out. New foods are hard for me to stomach before they're even in my stomach :P  Things that are really chewy also get me, because the weird taste/texture has to stay there until I swallow whatever it is, with me usually gagging until it's all gone. Then I have to eat more of it and chew/gag for ages again. And that just repeats until I get sick of it. It doesn't look remotely enticing in that way.

But this is a huge problem, not just from a health perspective, but from a social perspective. Eating is something almost everyone does, and it's one of the most common social activities there is. Not only that, but you'd be hard pressed finding someone in this country who's fussy to the extent that I am; dietary habits like mine are a rarity. That said, I am not catered to (nor can I expect to be). You won't find restaurants with Doritos or Pringles or whatever else listed as meals, and anything at a restaurant I will eat is dessert. I can't really go with friends to places where food is the focus because I'll feel like an asshole, sitting there doing nothing. And if I approach a woman somewhere, chat her up, invite her out, maybe even start dating her, the subject is eventually gonna come up--and until it does, she's gonna assume I eat like everyone else. What's she gonna think when she hears I don't eat properly? Is the rest of my personality gonna be able to compensate for that? Food seems to be that one thing that everyone does properly to the extent where they can fit in--everyone except me.

And that's the only reason I wanna change, really: so I can fit in. If I could eat enough things so I could just go places and not have to worry about sitting there doing nothing for an hour or two, feeling like a broken piece of shit. That's all I'd really need. I wouldn't have to eat meat or drink alcohol to get that far. With alcohol, while I'd like to be able to enjoy a few drinks with friends without worrying, I'm still leaning heavily towards the 'fuck that shit' side of the fence :P  I can definitely get by without booze. Food, not so much.

I'm just wondering if I can keep my value and self-worth up without having to venture into the land of unknown cuisine. Cos, hypothetically, I could just continue eating the way I do, and announce it proudly to those I'm talking to whenever it comes up in conversation. As of right now, I'd much rather take that option. But it would certainly be easier to socialise if I didn't have to worry about the whole eating thing at all. It would open up other avenues in life, too, like travelling. Its benefits are there, but I don't know if it's enough to convince me.

Or everyone could just live on Doritos for the rest of their lives... that's an option too, you know.

Gamespot Reviewer Believes GTA V is Somewhat Misogynistic

I recently came across this article about how a reviewer for Gamespot believes Grand Theft Auto V, Rockstar's latest instalment in the GTA franchise, is misogynistic. Here are her thoughts as written in her review:

On a less positive note, it’s deeply frustrating that, while its central and supporting male characters are flawed and complex characters, with a few extremely minor exceptions (such as the aforementioned optional getaway driver), GTA V has little room for women except to portray them as strippers, prostitutes, long-suffering wives, humorless girlfriends and goofy, new-age feminists we’re meant to laugh at.

Characters constantly spout lines that glorify male sexuality while demeaning women, and the billboards and radio stations of the world reinforce this misogyny, with ads that equate manhood with sleek sports cars while encouraging women to purchase a fragrance that will make them “smell like a bitch.” Yes, these are exaggerations of misogynistic undercurrents in our own society, but not satirical ones. With nothing in the narrative to underscore how insane and wrong this is, all the game does is reinforce and celebrate sexism. The beauty of cruising in the sun-kissed Los Santos hills while listening to “Higher Love” by Steve Winwood turns sour really quick when a voice comes on the radio that talks about using a woman as a urinal.

Gamespot GTA V review, by Carolyn Petit

My issue here is that she doesn't think the offending elements are satirical. Now, I haven't played GTA V yet (waiting for it to arrive from the UK), so let me make it clear that this is all conjecture. But, I have played every Grand Theft Auto game since GTA III (sans Liberty City Stories and Vice City Stories), and I've never known the series to promote misogyny, nor Rockstar to be misogynistic themselves. The environments of all previous GTA games have been almost entirely satirical. Everything is a piss-take, from the characters, to the landscape, to the buildings, to the dialogue, to the in-game ads—everything is taking the piss to some degree.

In San Andreas (2004), I distinctly remember the K-DST radio station (a classic rock station) making at least one domestic violence joke, quite a few misogynistic rap songs being played on Radio Los Santos (a gangsta rap station), a female waitress in a casino bringing a Mafia boss a sandwich—all kinds of content which, in and of itself, can certainly be seen as misogynistic. But within the context of the game as a piece of satire, these attitudes are by no means promoted (the boot-up screen for the game outright states at the beginning that the developers don't endorse any of the behaviour within). The game is just representing 90's culture. Representing a version of reality at any point in history doesn't automatically mean you're promoting the values of the time.

As for GTA IV (2008), while most of the characters are men (based off the fact that most criminal organisations are run by, and for the benefit of, men), you've got some powerful female roles in the story. Along the way, Niko (the main character) meets a drug-lord by the name of Elizabeta, who blankly states she's fighting as a woman in a man's world; and he meets an undercover cop by the name of Karen, who dates him under false pretences and ends up leading him to work for an undercover organisation.

It should be clear to any adult legally capable of buying these games, people who should be capable of critical thought, that misogynistic behaviour isn't ethical (and, when it comes to ethics in GTA, the fact that you can shoot anything that moves is, perhaps, of greater concern :P). Add to this that the writers of GTA IV, the previous major instalment, were quite clearly aware of misogyny in the US, and you have yourself a franchise which I highly doubt would even try, let alone succeed at, promoting misogynistic behaviours or mindsets.

Again, I have not played the game, so, for all I know, the game really is atrocious in its promotion of misogyny. But I don't think this will be the case when I play the game for myself. I firmly believe that the reviewer here has simply not found the satire funny or appealing, and that in failing to find it funny, she's decided it can't be satire to begin with. Take the line "... [the game] turns sour really quick when a voice comes on the radio that talks about using a woman as a urinal." Yes, and? You don't find that line funny, therefore hearing that line will convince me that I should treat women like urinals? Do you honestly think Rockstar are promoting that kind of behaviour? Do you honestly think anyone who plays the game will hear that and determine it acceptable to partake in such an activity? It's a clear-cut and unmistakable parody of misogyny, not a promotion of it. And anyone who thinks that's appropriate behaviour would have to have major psychological issues to begin with. Whether or not you find something amusing doesn't determine whether or not it's satirical, nor does it determine whether or not that something promotes certain behaviours.

Contrary to what people think, comedy isn't all happiness and joy—in fact, if you analyse comedy, you'll find most of it is born out of tragedy and immorality. To quote comedian Lenny Bruce (note that he is assuming the role of a character, speaking to another character in this routine):

Men like yourself and Lenny Bruce thrive upon the continuance of segregation, violence and disease. The Messiah returns, all is pure—you're standing in the red line.

'Thank You Masked Man', Warning, Lenny Bruce Is Out Again (1961)

Just because I laugh at something doesn't mean I condone what I'm laughing at, and the same goes for everyone on this planet. I've laughed at jokes involving murder, torture, sexual assault, rape, genocide, suicide—all kinds of dark subject matter—but that doesn't mean I promote or condone that behaviour. If any one of those things was to actually happen in front of me, I'd be shocked. I would feel empathy for the victims, as would almost anyone else. Would I laugh? I could laugh, perhaps. But I wouldn't be laughing at the victim, nor would I even be able to decide whether I laugh or not (because you don't get to pick what you find funny). No humour I may find in a situation can inhibit my capacity to sympathise or empathise with others. If anything, I've used comedy to highlight discriminatory mindsets like misogyny, both in listening to the comedy of others and in writing my own material. Granted, not all comedy is intended to be satire, and not all satire is intended to be comedy; but in the case of GTA, the satire is intended to be funny, as it always has been.

To reiterate, I may play the game and determine that, yes, the game does feature elements of misogyny. Shit, I could play the game and determine some elements of the game to be misandric —I have no goddamn clue until I play the game for myself. But I don't see any reason to think the game promotes anything like what this reviewer says it does, not given Rockstar's track record.

In addition to the review, there are people calling for the reviewer to be fired because of her belief that the game promotes sexism. These reactionary fucktards are exactly the kind of people Rockstar parody in their games :P  It's not like the reviewer hated the game or gave it a bad score just because she thought it promoted sexism—she graded it 9 out of 10, for fuck's sake. To disagree with someone's view is one thing, but to call for their sacking because you disagree is something else entirely. There's a reason people often see gamers as entitled little cunts, and this is a huge part of that. Why are you wasting your time bitching and whining about some review for a game? If you love the game so much, shut up and go play it.

In any case, I'm still looking forward to the game, and will not to pay attention to any further reviews so I don't spoil anything :P

Random Thoughts: A Great Way to Celebrate Having Finished an Essay

Not sure how I went on this particular essay (might have cited a little too much from my sources at the cost of exposition and analysis), but I don't care, it's doneskis :)

Still waiting for the Performance Society to get back to me about performing, but in terms of material, I've got a lot of decent material lined up if I do get to perform. I took my laptop to uni and had a friend of mine read over some bits; she responded quite well, even pointing out one or two extra jokes I could include. This means my transition from purely-scripted stuff to kinda-scripted-kinda-improvised stuff will be nice and easy :)

I've also been thinking about approaches to ethics in romantic and sexual relationships, given both all the stuff on r/seduction I've been reading, and the essay I just did. I picked pornography for my essay topic, having to answer the question "Is pornography bad for sexual equality?" Reading the sources suggested to us by our lecturer, it seemed pretty obvious that porn does fuck with people's heads in ways they don't realise or understand, especially with regards to how men view women in terms of mere sex objects, and how women view themselves as needing to perform in certain sexual ways. Thing is, I've been watching porn since I was 13, but have hardly been affected by it (and the sources did make it clear that adolescent porn consumption is only one of many factors that influence teens' perspectives on sexuality).

To say my porn consumption has had no effect whatsoever would be a lie, but I've never thought girls were just things for me to fuck, I've never thought sexual violence or rape was even arousing, let alone acceptable, and until I was about 17 or 18, the acts normalised through porn (oral sex, anal sex, cumshots, etc.) didn't really feature in my personal fantasies. And speaking of those, my fantasies were usually these romantic, picturesque film sequences where both parties wanted to fuck each other and both parties enjoyed the sex. I dunno how I managed to keep thinking that way with all the porn I watched as a teenager, but alas, that's what most of my fantasies were like (and still are like). I wanted (and still want) to go out with girls, go on dates with them, hug and kiss them, talk with them, make love to them—who are these other dumbcunts who think porn is how sex is in real life? Do they think action movies are mirrors of reality too? Goddamn it, people are fucking gullible, man :P

Reading all the sources for the essay was just depressing. All this shit about how women are pressured to put out, then slut-shamed for putting out. The ones that do put out experience more depression and lower satisfaction; the ones that don't have a hard time getting any man's interest due to their being a 'prude'. Boyfriends showing their girlfriends hardcore, violent porn, convincing their girlfriend that they should totally do that shit. What the fuck is wrong with people >.<  Granted, I've watched lots of educational stuff on sexuality too, videos on YouTube about consent, condom use, BDSM (just out of interest... I swear, seriously >.>), safe words, rape fantasies, a/bi/homosexuality—I don't know heaps, but I know more than the average person. And I'm certainly not some social conservative who thinks guys should only do it with their wife in missionary style just to procreate. It's just that people are so stupid that they see something on a screen, in a fictional universe, then apply that to reality like that's what they're supposed to do. It isn't.

And the body image shit, don't even get me started on the body image shit. Makes me want to smash advertisers' heads against brick walls. I remember when I was going out with my ex, one day we were walking home from the mall, and she said she was fat. I was astounded. This was the prettiest girl I knew, the fairest in all the land, telling me she was fat. I didn't get it. At all. I loved her size! She wasn't thin, but she wasn't fat—she was in the middle. I thought the fat on her body was normal, especially when compared to my complete lack of fat. Her body was amazing to me—and that was with her clothes on. God help her if I'd ever seen her naked. My dick would have asploded, man :P  And obviously my feelings for her made her attractive in my eyes—beauty is in the eye of the beholder—but even today, I still think she looks good. I don't think about her sexually, but that doesn't stop me from thinking her body's attractive.

I wanna feel girls up and take their clothes off and lick them and eat them out and have them suck me off and fuck me—I definitely want to experience all that—but I want them to enjoy it. They'll have their own list of desires that I can fulfil, and fulfilling them will get me off because the look on their face and the sounds that they make when they're being pleasured are possibly the hottest fucking things on this planet. It creates this cognitive dissonance in me that, on one hand, women are their own people with their own decision-making capabilities, but on the other hand, I'm told they want men to take the lead, be the one with initiative, make bold moves... is that porn or is that how women normally are? If a woman likes it rough, fast, and hard, I'll do my best to be rough, fast and hard without being overzealous. But does she want that just cos some guy showed her porn and convinced her that's how this shit is supposed to go down, or cos she's a horny little bitch who genuinely wants a guy to fuck her brains out? How many women will respond positively to these things and how many won't? I dun knows :(

Why does having fun have to be such a bitch to justify, goddamn it :P

But getting back on track, I've been thinking about issues like hooking up, using certain seduction techniques to varying degrees (eg. initiating physical contact, shit tests, push-and-pull), talking about my (future) sexual experiences with girls on-stage, the telling of rape jokes to particular audiences—stuff like that. I don't really know if these could be stand-up routines cos, going through them in my head, they come off as boring. It seems more like something I'd write here. I dunno, I'll see where that goes.

I've been reading more on r/seduction, as I mentioned. It's interesting stuff, and reading people's field reports to assess what works and what doesn't is neat :)  But while it does give me an urge to get out there, make me wanna interact with chicks, I know too well the confidence just isn't there yet. I can picture myself being the smoothest cat in my head, both arms around hot babes, talking to 'em like it's nothing; but that's cos I have an optimistic imagination, not cos I'm actually good at any of this :P

As for other uni stuff, my academic progress is kinda all over the place. For my first Discrete Mathematics assessment, I got 16/18; for my first Practical Reasoning paper, I got 53/55; and a recent Maths test I did seemed pretty easy. But I'm not sure how I went with my presentation and write-up for The Scientific Revolution (didn't use too many sources) or, as I mentioned, the essay I just did for Media Ethics and Law. I'm glad they're over though. One more Reasoning exam and one more Scientific Revolution essay, then I'll have a week-long break (the 'I refuse to do anything other than sit on my ass and play GTA V' break :P). Found out today that all 4 of my final exams occur within the first 2 days of the exam period, which is... bullshit, to put it simply :P  But I'll just have to work hard over that week and get shit done. If I keep doing as well as I am in Maths and Reasoning, I really only have to worry about studying for Media Ethics and Scientific Revolution. I figure that if I do well this semester, that'll help give me confidence, so I could definitely use the good marks (and I'll feel good if I study and do work on time anyway, lol).

Brief Update: A Great Alternative to Writing an Essay Due in Twelve Hours

...seriously I dun wants to do it >.>

So, first and foremost, the plan! The plan to get out more and meet people and see the naked girls! Progress has been made:

See that? See that right there? That's Initiative™, here to save the day. Initiative™ will get you places. Initiative™ is your best friend. And Initiative™ can be yours for three easy payments of effort being put into achieving your Dreams™ (sold separately). Spoke with the president of the Society, gave him the link to my latest performance, guy said he'd pass it on to the executive peeps... fuckin' progress :)

I figure I'll just do the same material as I did in the video I sent, but I'll have to make some changes to it given that we've had a change of government recently, and the first half is rather political. That should be easy though—new government holds all the wrong ideals (like, all of them :P). I'm excited, though! It's been a while since I've performed, and I'm totally up for more. So yeah, first step taken :D

As for stuff that's actually happened, I've noticed I'm a little more comfortable in tutorials at uni now. There are two tutes where I actually talk with the people sitting next to me, not necessarily initiating conversation but at least joining in when it happens. The other tute does have me talking to the people sitting next to me, but it's always in a group work context (every worksheet in every tute is groupwork, at least under our tutor :P). Not that their input is entirely invalid—they do think of things I don't—but they slow me down so much that I get through ~20-25% of the sheet in the hour-long tute, and the rest in another hour at home. My fourth tute is one I'm happy to leave as it is, don't really care, lol.

Initiating conversation is still proving difficult, even in academic contexts. I wanted to talk to my MATH121 tutor about a question on an assignment we got back recently, but students were having a conversation with her. I figured I'd just follow and wait for an opening... I followed them for two minutes before I could get a word in :P  I'm still not up to interrupting people, even if my needs are greater than theirs (they were just talking about random stuff). She was like "Oh, sorry! I didn't know you were there! What's up?" Well no fucking shit you didn't know I was there; I've been walking next to the person who's walking next to you, saying nothing as I waited for silence to emerge for so much as a second :P  Gotta work on that.

And in terms of future events, I have an engagement party to go to in a few weeks time. First adult-ish social setting I'll have been in for a while, so it's a good opportunity to test myself. For this, I just wanna go and be comfortable. That's it: don't worry about initiating contact, don't worry about talking to girls or any other shit—just be comfortable. Just simple stuff, like if someone talks to me, trying to actually engage in a decent conversation rather than giving the bare minimum required to work it along; taking interest in what's being said around me and join in if possible; and leaving my phone in my goddamn pocket. No phone allowed. No phone >.<  Phone can only be used for writing spur-of-the-moment jokes and girl's phone numbers... if I somehow... actually get that far by complete accident :P

My mum did say there'd be girls there, but this is an engagement party for someone who's at least 6 or 7 years older than me, so I'm not exactly getting my hopes up :P  Maybe I'll see someone I like, but I don't want to aim too high and be disappointed. Beyond just being comfortable, I'll feel things out once I'm at the venue and make decisions from there—for now, I'm only interested in being comfortable and happy in a social setting. Achieving that would be pretty gud :)

Well, that's all for now. Back to my essay... :(

Seduction: The Class that Never Existed

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