Sex: Let's Get Serious for a Moment...

SERIOUS MOMENT IS OVER! lol bewbs xD

I've been thinking about sex a lot lately (this statement somewhat tenuous as I have a penis :P), wondering more about when I'll get to do it, how it'll be, all that stuff. Masturbation, while still kinda fun, is losing its thrill, and even my hand's like "Come on, man, I've got other things to do today >.<". I just wanna do it. It's not like walking around with a hard-on that can only be cured by losing my virginity; I'm just getting a little impatient.

First off, I'm wondering if I'll ever meet someone I can do it with in the first place. I mean, I know people I'd be more than happy to get it on with, but there's no girl I know who has any intention of letting me into their pants. I need to meet someone new, and that's a task on it's own. Problem is, I'm not popular nor attractive, so no woman is going to come up to me of their own accord because they find me sexy. I am not sexy :P I mean, first off, there's the whole "I look like a skeleton" thing, then there's the whole "I look younger than I am, and women are attracted to older guys" thing, so I have nothing to work with here. I don't know where girls put me on that [x]/10 scale, but it's nothing I'd be glad to hear, let me tell you. I've never been told I was cute, handsome, attractive, sexy, hot, someone they'd like to get with, someone who turns them on, someone they wouldn't mind waking up next to in the morning—nothing of the sort. It has never happened (aside from a few compliments from family members, which don't count due to their inseparable bias) so I need to find some other way to entice girls, or at least appeal to them.

Then there's the actual act itself. Being someone who's gone no further than kissing, I've often wondered what would happen if I were to have a sexual encounter with a woman who wasn't a virgin, which would appear statistically more and more likely the longer I have to wait. I'm talking about someone I've only met recently, someone who doesn't know much about me, but evidently likes me enough to want to fuck me. She's going to be somewhat used to the idea of sex, whereas I'm going to be completely unfamiliar with it. She's going to anticipate all her reactions to what I'm doing, whereas I have no clue how I'm going to react to what she does. Am I even going to get to tell her I'm a virgin? Are there certain routine procedures that I will gloss over? Am I going to overreact to the sensations she gives me? Is she going to assume me to feel comfortable with certain things?

Many, many questions :P Thankfully, however, I'll probably end up losing my virginity to someone I'm in a relationship with, not only due to that being my first preference, but also due to the whole "I don't stand a chance on looks alone" situation previously established. I mean, granted, if a drop-dead gorgeous girl comes up to me and starts talking to me, evidently trying to making her way to sexy-town, I'ma be all over that motherfucker :P—but that's very unlikely. If I have my first time in a relationship, I'm in a secure environment where I don't have to worry about being judged or walked out on (which is something I would legitimately fear were I to hook up with someone :P).

First off, again, is her previous experience. It doesn't matter as much here, but I can't escape the notion that I'd prefer to lose my virginity with another virgin. It's not some desire for a woman of 'purity' or any shit like that; I just think it'd be more special if we were each other's first time, that's all. It'll be special for me either way, and we're both gonna be non-virgins by the end of it :P, but if I had the choice, I'd take a virgin over a non-virgin, just for the exclusivity. It would also remove all sexual expectations on my part, but, as I said, my partner loves me (presumably :P), so she won't be judgemental or anything.

Another thing that I think about is the base system—you know, this thing:

'Base System', xkcd, published 6th February 2009

Now, assuming this A-grade, clearly non-satirical work is accurate, let us use this as a reference guide for those sexual practices I would like to indulge in. I've often wondered if I'd like to go straight to vaginal sex, or move towards it slowly with a partner, going 'one base at a time' as it were. Obviously, if my partner were a virgin, going one base at a time might even be their preference too, as to move at a comfortable pace and work our way up the intimacy ladder. But, if my partner has already had sex, then the previous bases aren't gonna do much for them, are they? I mean, 3rd base (oral sex) is something couples can and do engage in well beyond losing their virginity, simply because it's pleasurable, but putting your hands under your partner's shirt or down their pants isn't as exciting after the first. Sure, it might get you real horny, but it's usually just a lead up to the eventual act of sex itself anyway. If I were to do it for the first time, I would be savouring every point of contact with their body, my hands moving as slow as I could move them without having them at a standstill, being real gentle, leaving no part of her covered skin untouched.

Thing is, I'm gonna be hard as all hell after my exploration, wanting to finish the job :P But wouldn't it at least feel a little naughty for her to then innocently decline me access to her body, to halt the progress, as if she needs a little time to become acquainted with these new feelings, or even just to assert her control, further sexual activity rendered impermissible until she wants to delve a little deeper? I don't know why, but that just turns me on—not in an 'I like it when girls say no; it makes it dirtier when I then do it to their surprise' kind of way, just in a way that fully utilises the sexual tension, uses just the right amount of manipulation in a way that makes it more pleasurable in the end, to make the eventual discovery of what her mouth and/or pussy actually feels like so much more rewarding.

Getting a little weird, I know, but it's all good fun :) I think it's good I can be mature about this kind of stuff, even in my own inexperienced way. I want the most out of sex, and for that, I have to prepare at least a little.

One specific act I've thought about is oral sex, from the perspectives of both the giver and the receiver. I'd like to have my dick sucked because it looks like it feels awesome, but would my partner be willing? I'm not gonna be one to pressure my partner into doing anything, but how common are those women that give head? I have no idea. I'd assume it's more common now than it was previously, but I still can't really assess my chances. I'd want to pleasure her orally too, regardless of whether she'd do the same for me. But again, would she want that? No clue. There's also my curiosity as to what pussy tastes like—from what little I can gather, pussy just tastes like... pussy. It just has its own scent and texture. And that's not to mention that it varies from woman to woman, depending on their diet and hygiene, which is understandable. Guess I'll just have to wait to find out the truth. On a similar note, the taste of semen depends on the same set of variables, which was interesting—I guess mine will taste like corn chips or Pringles or something :P There's another question: will she be fine with me coming on her face or in her mouth? Not that it's something I'd push for (or even ask for), but maybe she likes it or wants to try it.

I've also thought about different positions I'd like to try. I think my favourite position (just from seeing them on screen, as it were :P) is cowgirl: her on top of me. I'd really her to ride me while I'm sitting down—I remember seeing a porn video where they did it in that position, thinking it was the hottest shit ever. I'd also love to do it standing up with her leaning against a wall, her back to me, with her still standing so I could basically spoon her during the act. Doing it against a wall with her facing me would also be nice, regardless of who's against the wall. Doggy style would be cool to try too. The only position I really question is sixty-nine—I'm all for us orally pleasuring each other at the same time, but I don't think she wants my balls in her face :P

Thing is, though, I can't actually have sex yet. There's a physical barrier that prevents me from doing so—an incidental chastity belt, if there ever was one. The problem lies downstairs, with my little buddy... his jacket is, dare I say, too small for him, but he has it on now, and can't take it off. Basically, my foreskin is overgrown. What's supposed to be a cylinder of skin that I can pull back along the shaft, all the way behind the head of my dick, looks more like a cone at the far end, and the hole in the end is so small that I can't pull it back behind the head, not with an erection. I've tried when it's flaccid, and I can pull it back more when it's not erect, but still not quite behind the head—and, of course, if I pull it back and then let it grow, that could hurt like a motherfucker and tear the thing, which wouldn't be the best solution :P

What's crazy is that I had no idea about this until earlier this year—and this is coming from someone who's watched hardcore pornography since he was thirteen. I looked at circumcised dicks and recognised that they were circumcised, but I then would see uncircumcised dicks and think they were partially circumcised (an absurdity to anyone who knows anything about circumcision :P). I'd been told I was uncircumcised, and I couldn't pull my foreskin back as far as they could, so they must have had something done to their dicks to give them that ability, right? Nope—I was the abnormal one :P

What it basically means is that I can't penetrate a woman properly, if given the opportunity. It doesn't remove all sexual avenues entirely—I can still pleasure her with my hands and mouth, and she could still jerk me off—but it does remove the main one, being quite a burden if she is interested in having sex, and obviously a huge problem if we end up wanting to have children (you know, if I lose all my sanity :P). I don't know how I can get it fixed (short of circumcision, which I don't want), but I'll have to have it seen to if I want to get some pussy, cos right now, I couldn't even get laid if a woman walked up to me right now and started begging for it.

But that won't happen so it's all k :)

Friends: ...Fuck, I Forgot to Get Some More...

Can the Irish person who keeps coming to this page please explain why you've visited this page over a hundred times? Just curious is all :P

This song best sums up my emotions yesterday. I'm not a muso, so I don't really look into what songs mean or anything, but I get more out of instrumentals than songs with lyrics (primarily because I understand the ins and outs of language, but don't know shit about music :P). Says a lot about the state of the industry when a free cover of a track composed for a Super Nintendo game in 1992 does more for me than modern commercial music ever will.

Yesterday, I went into to town to catch up with a friend of mine I hadn't seen in a whole year. It was really good to see her again, and to catch up with a few other friends, some of whom I also hadn't seen in a long while. Being with the initial group was really fun, but as soon as our interstate visitor left (with a few others), it was just me, my ex, and another friend (incidentally, her other ex). This was a little awkward for me, but I emphasise the 'little'; this could have been a lot worse. I wasn't unable to speak to her or make her laugh; I was just a little uneasy. Rather simple explanation, too—the usual 'man, I wish it could go back to the way it was so we could talk comfortably' thought runs through my head, it's determined (for the millionth time) that this isn't possible, and I just get tense. The other friend and I actually stood there with her in complete silence for 30 seconds trying to decide what to do, making it somewhat more awkward for me. She eventually decided to leave (seeing as we weren't doing, you know... anything at all :P), so it was just the two of us.

The remaining friend and I messed around for a little while (playing Time Crisis 3 for half an hour = best use of twenty bucks ever :P), and we eventually called it a day. The whole way home, I was bothered about two things.

The first thing is rather unrelated, but I still feel like I need to get this off my chest. I mentioned in this entry hearing about how my ex's second boyfriend was dumped due to religious reasons. Upon his elaboration on the events surrounding the break-up, he told me the dumping was due to her needing some kind of 'moral guidance' for certain church activities she was involved with—I'm paraphrasing, but this is the gist of what I was told. This just fucked with my head all over again, almost as bad as when I heard the initial information several months back.

I mean, seriously? You're seriously telling your daughter to dump her boyfriend because you think he's going to corrupt her moral compass or something? The fuck was he going to do? No decent boyfriend is going to interfere with their girlfriend's religious practices unless it's their faith is causing them to do serious damage to someone's life. And furthermore, this is an nineteen-year-old woman we're talking about here; she does not need 'moral guidance' from anyone. She can make moral and spiritual decisions on her own. Her parents' assertion implies she's so weak that, with a non-Christian boyfriend, she'll fall to their temptation and lose her faith.

It's official: her parents think she's fucking retarded. They think she's too dumb to think for herself, too ignorant to make her own decisions, and so incapable of learning right from wrong that she needs a Christian man to tell her how to live her life. How fucking progressive. Honestly, it's just a front for the parents' bigotry and intolerance of non-Christians being in a relationship with their daughter, end of story. I don't know why it makes me angry, 'cos it has nothing to do with me and doesn't affect me, but I guess when you put a face to the negative consequences of indoctrination, I just get pissed. It's disgusting, and it's no way to treat your child, especially when they're an adult, and especially when they're probably smarter than you are.

The other reason I felt a little tense, though, is what I actually wanted to talk about: it's the fact that I'm only now realising just how separate from the social world I am. When my ex went to get lunch at the mall, she ran into someone she knew who happened to be working at the place she bought the food from. The other friend with me saw people from uni while he was waiting for his bus. I've never gone to a place of business and seen someone I'm friends with (I've seen people I know, but not a really good friend of mine). This is for two reasons—the first being that I don't go places very often anyway, hence not having the opportunity to see my friends in the first place; and the second being, more importantly, the fact that I don't know that many people to begin with! Same with uni—granted, I do run into my friends at uni, but it's nowhere near as common for me as it is for others.

The fact of the matter is that my friends have connections that extend far beyond their old high school, whereas I don't. I've never felt truly included with the others in my writing tutorials, deciding not to talk to anyone unless I have to. They don't really respond too much to anything I write either—given what I've presented them with, I wouldn't be surprised if one half of the class thought I was retarded and the other thought I was disgusting :P I only have one person who I hang with or talk to in class and after class, and while he responds well to my work (and I his—I look up to him as a writer), I don't talk to him outside of uni at all. In my first two semesters, I have not made even one new friend I could actually socialise with like I do with the rest of my friends. That's fucking sad, man :P

It's a catch-22, a really bad one—I don't have that many friends, so I'm not invited to any events where I can meet new people; and I'm not meeting any new people, so I can't make more friends to hang out with. Fuck :P

Upon going back through previous entries, I found this one to be outlining the same problems I'm talking about here, albeit glossing over them a little:

"...I am alone most of the time, with hardly a name or two I can attach to "friends"; I am without the desire to meet new people or enter new places..."

'Self-Esteem: Stop Flicking That Goddamned Light Switch!', published 25/4/11

So, I still have the same problem as I did one-and-a-half years ago (not surprising :P), but now that desire to meet new people does exist, even if only subconsciously. I'm seeing just how extended the social networks of my friends are, all the while realising how restricted my own network is, slowly but surely. Thing is, seeing as all the social events I ever go to (and have been invited to lately) consist only of people I already know.

As I said, the desire to meet new people does now exist, even if only due to envy. Now it's just about manipulating my situation as to feel like meeting people when there are actually people to be met :P Oftentimes, I'll feel really awkward around people I don't know, or when I want to say something to someone where I can't really predict their reactions; that only happens, however, when I'm in a negative mindset. When I'm in a positive mindset, I'm all the more willing to put my ass on the line and enter situations I otherwise wouldn't. Therefore, I need to activate that positive mindset when opportunity strikes. When I think about the great things that have happened to me and come into my life when I have done these 'dangerous' things, it makes me want to keep pushing the boundaries, so that's the key to making the most of the situation at hand.

So, what social events are there that I can get in on? I'm not going to shit alone, that's for sure—I'm not quite that confident :P If I go alone, I'll just be sitting in a dark corner thinking "fffffuucccckkk O.O" the whole time, praying that some asshole comes over to me and just runs his mouth of at me, just so I have something to do. If I was taken by people I do know to a place where there are people I don't know, that's a good balance between social safety and social opportunity. I suppose I can go to events alone if the event in question is a first-time thing where new people will be expected, but otherwise, the leap is too great and I'll be intimidated by all the existing bonds around me. I have to ease myself into this slowly; provided I actually go through with this, it'll eventually be no trouble to go by myself to a place where no one knows me, but for now, I need the security.

This whole thing is also making me far more willing to inquire about performing stand-up, because that'd be a great way to meet people (provided I don't suck ass :P). I guess it depends on where I'm performing, but if I perform at my uni's bar, and perform well, surely someone will compliment me and offer to buy me a drink, meet their friends, some shit like that. That's too fuckin' easy—not only is all the work of actually initiating contact done for me, but I'll be expected to say shit and be myself! The problem of my the bar not actually having any official comedy night is making itself evident in that none of the people I can find contact details for will be able to help me—they're all for bands, so I'm not sure who to ask to organise anything. But, at the same time, if I can somehow find a way in, I'll be the only motherfucker doing it, so I'll certainly stand out (you know, before they setup an open mic night and some gifted newcomer comes along to wipe the floor with me :P). It'll also help me with my career goals, as I'll meet people who I can work with on other projects.

As per usual, once I get the ball rolling, it just gets easier and easier until it becomes commonplace. Even discussing this stuff in a let's play I'm doing, even writing about it right now, is getting me excited about the possibilities—this is exactly the mindset I need to be in to feel comfortable talking to people I don't know.

Future: Oh Noes, It's Here! D:

"Time traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe... women."

Emmett 'Doc' Brown, Back to the Future Part II

I've been thinking about my future a lot lately—not just in a romantic context, but in a more all-encompassing context. I've never thought seriously about what I want to do with my life in terms of employment, but it's becoming readily apparent that I'd best start soon if I want to end up somewhere I can tolerate. When I was a kid, I was the best in my primary school with computers—no one touched me in terms of skill, so I'm like "well, this question's easy: I'ma work with computers and kick everyone's ass and become rich and that's mah plan :D". Then I get to high school, meeting people who can write code, design web pages, and build their own computers; the dream is quickly destroyed. I actually felt pretty shitty about that for a while in Years 7 and 8, believing myself to have lost what I believed was my strongest asset. I never thought about employment again until Year 12, paying no attention whenever they talked about work experience or university or anything of the sort.

Thankfully, I'm not without other talents. My foray into writing is probably the best thing to have happened to me thus far, at least in how it's getting me to think about what I'm gonna do to keep myself not dead. Ever since I got my first laugh—achieved when practicing using posessive pronouns in French class, where my sentence was 'The baby isn't yours' :P —I realised I had abilities I hadn't discovered. My experiences in high school drama class led to me learning how to perform in front of an audience, teaching me how to manipulate my actions and words to evoke a certain response. That, coupled with my love for Sally, gave me something to write about, a narrative thread I could explore through the prism of humour. The result was my first comic monologue (a term I have come to dread; it makes it sound like I'm telling jokes with a stick up my ass :P). Ever since, I've written stand-up on a regular basis—I still write jokes and bits of my own volition.

This led me into taking up Creative Writing as the focus of my study for the next three years at university. Thing is, I'm starting to question this course of action. I mean, first off, there are six mandatory courses, and two of them I have signed up for and skipped in their entirety, determining their content to be irrelevant. I can back this up on a critical level; I'm prepared to fight them on this if that's what it comes down to (if I don't have enough credits to do next year's courses or whatever). But that's not where it ends—lately, I've found myself uninterested in the work I have to do, even for the two courses that actually proved themselves relevant. I have a 1,500 word essay due in a week which I haven't started, and a 500 word story due tomorrow (today at this point, lol) which does not exist either. I have one and a half poems complete out of my planned cycle of four, and a play of at least six pages I need to write on top of that—I don't even have an idea for the play. That's a shitload I need to write in seven days.

I didn't really have this problem last semester with motivation—not with uni—but I don't seem to be pushing myself to do the work anymore. Perhaps it's other factors, but I'm not exactly depressed or anxious about anything else at the moment, not even about my future; I've just come to a few realisations, that's all. Maybe I don't want to write anything except stand-up. I enjoyed learning about poetic techniques and dramatic structures, but nothing of the narrative variety has caught my interest; I don't even read novels, for fuck's sake :P Part of it is definitely my own laziness—I am a procrastinator, always have been—but perhaps other things aren't as they should be either.

For one thing, uni hasn't been the most positive experience for me. I can't tell you how many times I've been in tutorials lately struggling to even pick up what the fuck the tutor or other students are on about, and this is regardless of whether I read the reading material or attended the lecture, nor is it reliant of my understanding of either stimulus. I sit in Text and Context wondering how people know all this crap about the text, how they picked up what they did by reading the same thing I did, where I didn't pick up any of it. I haven't felt intelligent at uni for a long while now, with only a few spots of pride in my achievements every now and then. I mean, I'm not an intellectual—if I was, I'd be teaching 'em, not sitting with 'em :P—but I still feel dumber every time I go, always realising there's this whole area of knowledge I'm down on or completely unaware of. I know I'm a first year, a small fish in a big pond, but no one else seems to have this issue.

Part of the problem is the only real friend I have in uni is real fuckin' smart. He's not the epitome of intellect, but he's certainly smarter than me, and I look up to him. Problem is that makes me feel inferior. It's not as if he deliberately tries to impose his intelligence onto me to make me feel bad; it's just that he's 7 years older than me and has been to uni for years, studying all kinds of different things, so he's naturally more adept than I am. The rest of the people in my tutorials also seem to be more up on things than I am, in terms of their writing ability and just their general knowledge.

Part of this is also me thinking more specifically about what jobs I'm open to. The only place I've worked for is the government, just doing clerical work, data entry, filing, that kind of crap, so I have little to no experience in any other environment. My goal in taking up Creative Writing was to experiment with modes of expression other than stand-up in order to expand my literary horizons, to explore ideas in new ways and in new forms. But, when I dream about the future I want, it's never as an author; it's always as a comedian.

I listen to music on my iPod and go "That'd be a really good song to walk on-stage to :)". I watch George Carlin being interviewed by James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio and vision taking Carlin's place, being asked the same questions—sometimes I even do it out loud and practice my answers, even making up questions I'd like to be asked. I watch Bill Hicks and become so filled with energy at the sight of his honesty that I get out of my seat and pace around, a monologue running through my head; it makes me want to piss people off with a truth they can no longer deny, whatever that truth may be. I think about Lenny Bruce and the impact he had on the freedom of expression in the United States, and want to make similar progress in my own way. I watch The Chaser do their shows on TV and want to be part of their group, or at least follow in their footsteps and continue the trend of controversial televised satire they established in this country. I watch episode upon episode of Whose Line just wishing I had the ability to think on my feet like those guys do, wanting to practise improv myself, start up a troupe or something, and achieve the same success they did on TV. Those are the people I look up to, and I do so without intent; they're who I want to be, and I can't change that.

The first thing I wrote, as I mentioned earlier, was about Sally, and the entire plot revolved around my fear of confronting her and asking her out. What's ridiculous is that I seem to keep wanting to rewrite that plot into every conceivable form, having to force myself to not rehash that idea and come up with new ones when I want to write poetry, theatre, or prose. Oftentimes, I do get new, original ideas, quite a few of which I've explored in this Creative Writing course, but I've found myself beating the same dead horse from time to time with these forms I'm still experimenting with.

Stand-up, on the other hand, is just so open for me. Just looking at the list of bits I currently have, there are fourty tabs in my Segments folder in OneNote, each on a different subject, amounting to at least thirty pages of material, probably more. Some of these bits are only a paragraph in length, some a few pages long, but the point is there's clear variety. And that's not counting the uncategorised shit I have in another tab: about twenty-five pages worth of random comic fodder sits there, some one-liners, along with some paragraphs that may fit better in their own Segment tab. And all of that was written in my own time, for my own sake, most of it remaining unperformed, yet the will to write it still within me. This is evidently what I want to do. Perhaps I'm daunted by uni at the moment and these writing prospects are still working their way into me—and some parts of the course I've thoroughly enjoyed and learned from—but the comedian within me will never die, and he wants to come out and play.

I've been thinking about what I want in terms of a relationship too. I've heard frequently of late that people are attracted to people who 'know what they want in a relationship', and this got me thinking of what I look for in a relationship. Do I really have standards, or a list of prerequisites? I've only ever really taken a look at a girl and went 'Hmmm, you look nice :)', then learned more about them and gone 'You're good on the inside too—I'm gonna like you now, but never ever talk to you cos that's scaryful :('.

See? I always have to make a fuckin' joke like that when I talk about girls :P

I think this is a good start right here:

But, when you get right down to it, the staple of the relationship is communication: talking and sharing things with one another. I miss having that special someone I could always talk to. I remember on my first date, after the movie had finished, taking my then-girlfriend outside the theatre and just talking. Well, I was talking, she was just laughing. I miss being able to make someone that happy, seeing a girl so vibrant and full of life simply because of what I was saying. And making her feel better when her brother kept calling her a hippo. And the whole cutesy syntax we always spoke to each other in. It was so special to me.

'Desire: Need Moar Persistence', published 22/8/2012

I evidently want someone who I can talk to about anything, feel comfortable opening up to, and be happy with. I think that's the most important thing: for one's presence and actions to make the other one happy, to ensure mutual gain in all aspects of life through experiencing life together as a unit (you know, if you want it to sound fuckin' lame :P). My ex and I talked about all sorts of stuff, and we enjoyed each other's company, so that's a staple. I think intellect is also important; if you don't have an active mind, wishing to remain wilfully ignorant, I probably wouldn't want to hang around you for very long anyway (this is the same guy who called himself 'dumb' a few paragraphs ago—consistency is for chumps :P). She'd also have to accept me for who I am, only encouraging me to change if there's actually a genuine problem to be fixed rather than just some silly thing she's uncomfortable with for no good reason.

I could describe what I like in a girl's body, but really, once I get to know who she is, her body becomes beautiful regardless of its physical nature because it represents what I love about her on the inside, so its practically irrelevant. If she's really out of shape or unclean, however, I'd probably avoid her. The physical can be important when drawing me in, but that phase can be skipped in the girl's personality really clicks with me (and I have an opportunity to talk to them that's not instigated by my own attraction to their body, lol).

I can name a few extras—I'd rather she didn't smoke, I'd rather she liked video games and/or computers, I'd rather she was willing to explore various sexual avenues, etc.—but there's no real point. Everything else about them is moot because I can't be any more accurate than what's written in the two paragraphs above. I just analyse women as they come along, and I don't really know any at the moment that I like the look or sound of, so I'll just have to wait until I meet one that does.

It's 4 am. Fuck that assignment; I need sleep. Story can come tomorrow. I have an idea, so that's the hard part over.

Conclusions: It's Time to Draw Them

Too bad I suck at drawing :(

Anyway, this girl at uni, asking her out, it's just not happenin'. The attraction isn't going anywhere. I've gotta stop thinking I'm ever gonna talk to her, because I'm not. She wasn't a focus on my recent week off uni; not once did I really stop to think about her. If she can't even hold my thought for a week, there's nothing there, goddamnit :P

I've come to realise that it's not completely my fear that's preventing me from talking to her; it's also her personality. There are still things I like about her, namely our obvious shared interest in writing, the intellect she's demonstrated over the past few months (very apparent as of late), as well as her body; but the smartarse in her is really turning me off. Like, in a lecture yesterday, the lecturer did the old I'm gonna ask you what the answer to the last question was to check if you were really listening routine, and she answered him without skipping a beat—and she had been talking while the lecturer was. That's a level of confidence I can't affront, no fucking way. She just isn't approachable, not in any light. If I ask her out, or even try to talk to her, I'll get nothing but a verbal backhand and a frowny face.

What's really happening, as I've come to realise over the past few weeks, is I just want to be with somebody—she just happens to be the somebody I picked to think about, to fill that void in my head so I could think about somebody. I think the attraction was genuine to start with—I mean, she is very pretty, and the aspects of her personality I spoke of earlier were ones I was genuinely attracted to, but her attitude was an issue for me from the beginning:

"Her default face is kind of like my default face: it leans more towards 'apathetic' than 'content' or even 'neutral'. She seems a little apathetic overall, which turns me off a little..."

'Questions: Should I Be Asking Them?', published 22/5/12

That's been in the back of my mind every time I've contemplated talking to her or asking her out, and it's managed to play a larger role than I originally thought in alienating her from me.

I still think she's pretty—her physical beauty is what kept me thinking about her in the first place. Her skin tone is such a perfect shade of white—it's fucking incredible to look at. She wore a sleeveless top today; I couldn't stop looking at her arms. They were oddly mesmerising. Forget her tits or her pussy—I'm fine looking at her ligaments for the meantime :P And her hair is a really nice shade of orange, just the right spot on the spectrum, nor is it too bright or too dull. Her eyes are stunning; they draw you right in (though the make-up might be doing a bit of work there). And her lips are luscious, a size I haven't seen before, not to mention the colour. Her small build compliments the face really well—I seem prefer petit redheads, where as with other hair colours, the build doesn't seem to matter as much.

That said, I kept picturing us together, but with only her body intact. I changed her personality to remove this 'I don't give a fuck' attitude, simply making her love me and want to be with me—this wasn't just because I want a girl to love me and long to be with me, but to replace those aspects of her attitude I didn't like, ultimately changing the way I thought about her. Think the same thing for long enough and you'll eventually convince yourself it's true, if you're not careful. I can't overlook it anymore, so I have to call it quits. I don't even wanna pursue her just to hook up, even if I thought she might agree to it, because the physical appeal isn't really sexual. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind fucking her were I more open to the idea of casual sex (I'm not losing virginity with a woman who isn't my girlfriend), but I honestly just like thinking about cuddling her and kissing her and making love, just romantic kind of stuff, not so much just fucking her brains out.

I'll probably still think about her, fantasise about her and stuff, but I see no problem with that—she's fucking beautiful, as is making love to her in my head :P That said, however, I think I should just take things as they come with girls, just take opportunities wherever and whoever they come up with rather than focusing on one random chick :P There are still a few smart, attractive girls in my writing class, and plenty more just walking around the rest of the uni. I'm not waiting for, nor expecting, girls to just come walking up to me and thinking I'm top shit (cos I'm kinda not :P), but unless I see (and get to know) a girl who simply blows me away with every aspect of her personality, there's no point in me narrowing my focus just yet.

...now to go against everything I've said and pick some other girl in my writing class to ogle >.>

Fear: Not to be Confused with Reason

I've started to realise that I'm using logic to fuck myself out of doing stuff I wanna do, stuff that, using different logic, can be easily justified. It's ridiculous. Like, I was thinking about how hesitant I am to initiate conversations, and this came to mind when I was being driven home by a friend of mine. Another friend was in the car with me, and they're chatting away about something or other. They were talking about drinking before talking about clubbing, so, as someone who doesn't drink it up nor party it down, I don't have anything to say on the matter. Once he gets to where he's got to go, it's just the driver and I. Now, in my eyes, what's happened is clear: my other friend took the conversation with him when he got out of the car, leaving me with nothing. Any normal person, however, knows this situation is easily remedied: just talk. Just fucking talk! The first thing that pops into your head (which passes the self-censorship board, of course :P), just say it. Simply think of a random question, ask it, and go with the flow.

This process is automatic and instantaneous for most—I am not most, so for me, the process is more like this:

"What should I ask? Well, I can't ask her how her day was; I've been with her for part of the day, making that a stupid question. I can't relate to what they were talking about before... um... politics? Religion? Nah, not related to any recent verbal exchange, too left field... what she's been up to in the past week? Too personal, seems obsessive..."

...so I end up not talking at all. Looking back, the best idea by far was to ask about her week—obsessive? The fuck am I talking about? If someone asked how my week was, I'd be over the moon due to the mere presence of care in someone else about anything I do ever. And the best thing? Not only could she talk about her week, but I could talk about my week, allowing myself to recount details of what was probably the most social week of my entire life! That's not invasive; that's socialising. So much fail :P

This train of logic is just a cover-up for the real reasoning—I don't wanna say something dumb and embarrassing, so I find a way to make this seem way riskier than it actually is so I can feel justified in avoiding contact. The thing I hate most about this is how it seems to never not work :P Like, let's say I'm in a larger social setting, lots of people I don't know hanging around. I'm sitting with friends, engaged in conversation, comfortable, having a good time. Now, let's put a girl within visible range, but out of verbal reach—it's a bit too loud for me to grab her attention without walking over to where she is. She passes the physical examination quickly, and she is alone; I keep an eye on her for ten to fifteen minutes and no one of any description has approached her. This in mind, I'm obviously not obliged to stay with my friends. Shit, let's even say I somehow feel it appropriate to point this girl out to my friends and mention that I like the look of her and want to go over and talk to her or something (this alone is unlikely, give the almost certain 'logical' defence of "Your friends don't give a fuck who you are attracted to; keep that shit to yourself").

It is at this point that logic would step in to 'avert disaster':

"What do you want to do, exactly?"

"I wanna talk to that girl over there."

"But aren't you talking with your friends?"

"They're not gonna give a shit if I leave; they even said I should do it."

"They seem to forget basic morality: it's not right to talk to people you don't know. You don't walk up to strangers on the street and talk to them, do you? No. You know why? Because you know it's not right!"

"This is a social setting, dude, it's fine."

"No it isn't—you assume she is simply there for you to approach and talk to. What if she's waiting for someone?"

"No one's talked to her the whole time I've been looking at her."

"Well, maybe she wants to be alone! If she wanted to talk to someone, surely she'd go find someone to talk to. Are you assuming she's too weak to make that decision on her own? That's rather judgemental of you. Who are you to interfere with her solitude?"

"Maybe she'd like someone to talk to her; I honestly don't think she'd mind."

"Well then, what shall you say to this woman? 'Hi, I'm Liam and I don't eat properly! Wanna go out?'

"...well no——"

"No? Not gonna tell her up front? She has to find out eventually. Ooh, I know—how about 'Hi, I'm Liam. Can I wrap my arms around you and cuddle you?' Because that worked so well last time."

"I didn't really see any point in planning further than saying 'Hi' and then mentioning seeing her alone, thinking she might wanna talk to someone rather than sitting around alone, that kind of thing."

"'That kind of thing'? Since when did you do improv, boy? You can't even think of what to say when you're in a car with someone you know, and you think you can pull off some spur-of-the-moment sweet talk? And isn't she going to be a little suspicious that some borderline anorexic male walks up to her and starts chatting her up? She'll pick you for the sleaze you are rather quickly, I guarantee you."

"...you're a cunt. Seriously. You are a huge cunt."

"The cunt keeping you out of trouble. Stay with your friends—they accept your retarded self. That girl? She will not."

I'll look at her the whole evening, wishing I had the balls but never actually getting them.

What's strange is I hear about guys who proposition girls without even breaking a sweat—like, they go right up to 'em and just ask for what they want, without mincing the oath in any way, shape, or form. These guys who ask chicks for their numbers right off the bat, or if they wanna make out, or if they wanna fuck—how the hell do they pull that off? Is there not some part of them that's like "Hold up! Maybe she'd like to get to know you first!" This is one area where logic and I can agree: that's too fast for me. I'm not quite so impatient. I am never going to be able to justify asking for a hook up, not with this repugnant body :P But I don't even wanna go that far; I just wanna chat and get to know them first, but I can't even bring myself to do that, even when I think it's the right thing to do considering the more hasty alternatives!

Shit, I even managed to ask girls out back when I was in high school—I used to do that. I used to take action. I used to talk to them, or at least try. I used to actually make progress and work towards asking them out; now I'm struggling to even get to know them at all. Problem is, all three of the girls I've wanted to ask out were girls I went to high school with (hence seeing them all the time, making it a lot easier to get to know them), and girls I loved (giving me the incentive to do all this stuff). Those luxuries are gone now—without getting to know them, love is impossible, and without the motivation love would otherwise give me, I need to find a new reason that will push me onto the field and into action.

...why can't I just use sex to do that like all the other guys... stupid fucking morality, always holding me back >.<