Reflections and Sleepovers

Holidays are nearly here. Hooraaayyyy :)

First off, some reflection on the previous entry. Oftentimes, when I vent about something and read over it a day or two later, my feelings on the subject can be totally different, and I can recognise emotional biases more easily, particularly when I discuss social things. The last entry was written when I was annoyed, so its tone is one of annoyance. But has my view changed since then? Not really. I don’t feel annoyed anymore or anything, but I honestly don’t regret my behaviour at that wedding. I went to that thing not giving a shit, and when I go into something without giving a shit, that’s what happens: I don’t do anything :P

Most social events I attend now are ones I look forward to—I always love meeting my friends and going places with them. And when I have that optimism about an event, it fuels a strong desire to get in there and be social. There can be other obstacles, like that 21st I went to in February where, even though I really really wanted to go, I couldn’t even work out what the others were discussing, so I didn’t talk to anyone. But in this case, I didn’t really want to go; and on top of that, I didn’t lose anything, I didn’t miss anything, and I didn’t upset anyone, so as far as I’m concerned, there’s no issue. That’s something I’ve learned over the past year or so: some environments are ones I just don’t thrive in. There is no point in trying to change that. I see far more use in simply directing myself towards environments I do thrive in, as well as trying new ones.

Like, take clubbing for example: I’ve been back and forth over whether I want to go to one or not for ages, but even though I have a few preconceptions, I don’t know how it’d actually go if I went to one. Given the fact I don’t drink and have a cynical aversion to most popular music, it could be pretty fucking uncomfortable and disconcerting; but for all I know, I could go in, get sucked into the atmosphere, and enjoy the shit out of it. My imagination runs wild with that particular scenario: I can picture myself dancing with chicks, being wild, not giving a fuck what people think of my completely-sober self; and I can picture myself sitting in the corner thinking “please let this be over please let this be over please let this be over”. I can forecast my behaviour all I fucking want—I will have no idea how much I like it until I actually try it. And that desire to try new social situations, though still limited in many respects, has gone nowhere but up.

Weddings, however, are by no means ‘new environments’. I’ve been to them before, and thus far, they’ve all been the fucking same :P  I’m there in clothes I don’t wanna wear, I’m served food I don’t want to eat, and there’s almost never anyone there even close to my age. There aren’t many faster ways to make me feel uncomfortable, really :P  And whilst there are variables, particularly in terms of who’s in attendance, they’re consistent enough for me to predict with relatively-high accuracy that I won’t enjoy them when I do attend. My mindset can be as positive as it wants; it can’t make up for environmental factors, particularly when you didn’t choose to be in said environment (it’s impolite not to go just cos you don’t want to).

I’m not mad, I’m not resentful, and I’m not regretting anything—it was just a social event I didn’t fully enjoy. There will be plenty more in future, with lots of different people and different opportunities.

Speaking of said opportunities, I have a sleepover this weekend with the people I met in February. There will be some new people (two, I think), so I’ll definitely meet some people; and there’ll be a shitload of people there on the Saturday for the host’s 21st, most of whom I know from high school. It’s quite a change from the norm, this time around: usually, when I go to a party, I’m the stranger who doesn’t know anyone; but in this case, I will be one of only two people (the other being the host) who knows pretty much everyone. The host’s college friends don’t know the high school folk, and the high school folk don’t know the college folk, whereas I know both groups. Shall be interesting to see how that pans out!

I’ll also get a chance to invite the college people to the sleepover dealie I’m having in November. That’ll be the first sleepover I’ve ever hosted… no pressure :P  I’ve already started planning for it, so I’m not too nervous about having things ready—more nervous about finding space for everyone. Cos I don’t wanna be too selective about who I invite, but at the same time, my house only has so much room in it. Other than that, though, there’s not too much to worry about. We’ve got all the furniture we need outside, I’ve got meals mostly figured out (and I do mean actual meals, not bags of Doritos and cans of Pringles :P), and I’ve got a trip out of the house planned so we’re not couped up the whole time, and so we can eat out one afternoon/night (though where we’ll go is up in the air). Just gotta get the dates locked in and we’re good to continue!

So yeah, even with the stumble last weekend, good things are in store ahead :)  

Also it’s not really a holiday cos I have to catch up on missed lectures and do another fucking essay. So much fun -_-

Introverted

I think I've confirmed my introversion today. I went to the wedding of a second-cousin today, and have been around people for the past twelve hours. I was okay for the first ten hours—in fact, the whole time I was at the wedding itself, I was fine. I didn't socialise much, but I didn't care; I kinda knew I wouldn't socialise, and prepared by way of charging my phone as high as it would go. I wrote quite a bit of new material, which is always good (I've finally started to develop a bit I've had conceptualised for a while :)

But when we left the wedding and went to the groom's parent's place, I just wanted to go home. I did not want to stay there for an extra two hours. I wanted to go to my room and sleep. I was tired (though I'm not tired now cos I want to fucking vent :P), and I wanted rest cos I have to work on an essay tomorrow cos it's due on Tuesday (I'm seeing an friend from school on Monday while she's in town, and I have class all day Tuesday); and I was also extremely bored at that stage.

Even without those prerogatives, though, I would have wanted to go home anyway. I was getting legitimately angry at the fact that I couldn't leave until my mum wanted to leave. I wasn't angry at her necessarily—I was just mad I couldn't go anywhere. Truth be told, it's technically my fault cos I'm still on my L's, meaning I couldn't take the car (it's not like I would have been drinking :P), but that didn't stop me from being mad. I didn't snap at anyone or do anything rash, but I was about ready to punch a wall by the time I got home. I've never really felt that way before: bored, definitely, but not angry. It's always been "I want to go home... I want to go home... I want to go home... :(", not "I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home jesus fucking christ why am I not home yet fuck this shit I WANT TO GO HOME >.<"



Speaking of drinking, just... goddamn it. I don't get it. I just don't. I don't want to drink, and haven't really for as long as I can remember (even if am curious as to what drunkenness is actually like), but every time I go to one of these family gatherings, I somehow want to drink even less than I already don't. Where is the fucking appeal in turning yourself into a moron? Where is the appeal in that? Where? I just don't fucking see it! And I know this isn't just people drinking—it's people drinking to excess—but it's so fucking unattractive. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Is this what they think 'fun' is? Cos it looks horrible.

I used to really hate alcohol and drinking as a thing, but I've since determined that position to be one of hypocrisy. I have vices too; they're just different vices. And they can turn me into just as big an asshat, let me tell you :P  I can play Mario Kart for hours and hours and hours, and by the end of it, I can be really really mad cos I keep losing races, or get hit by items. I'll yell at the screen, question the game's logic, but continue to play it cos I just have to beat these assholes! But if I just play it for a little while, or play it with friends, that never happens. And when I stop playing after a bad session, my bad mood goes away fairly quickly. It's more the way I'm playing the game, rather than the game itself. In the same manner, it's the way these people are consuming alcohol that baffles me, not the fact that they drink.

And I get why people drink: it's social lubricant. People find it hard to socialise, so we found this thing which makes that activity easier, and we centre a whole bunch of social activities around it. Makes it easier to talk to people, loosens you up a bit—fair enough, right? But at what point in that equation does the "turn yourself into a cunt" part kick in? At least when I get mad at Mario Kart, I'm at home alone, so the only person affected by what's going on is me. When you drink to excess in public, you impair all your cognitive functions, and behave like a giant dickhead to everyone around you. It's just so totally fucking stupid, I can't even.

It makes me wonder what weed is like. I'm far more privy to weed than alcohol at this point. Alcohol has, like, one thing going for it (makes it easier to talk to people, which I find hard); weed could have lots of things going for it, for all I know :P  If you put any type of booze in front of me, I'll just nope the fuck away from it. But if someone was to put a hash brownie in front of me... I dunno. I mean, it's a brownie, right? Those are chocolate, right? I'm always up for chocolate—at least the thing tastes nice, unlike alcohol which, from what I've heard, tastes awful but you drink it anyway... *huge shrug*. And the drug inside doesn't suck as much. Not that I'm gonna go looking for weed, or start hanging out with stoners just to learn about weed third-hand, but in the unlikely event that it shows up, I'll be infinitely more willing to try it than alcohol.



I also noticed quite a few couples there. I've always wondered what it'd be like to go to something like that with a partner. My ex invited me to an engagement party when we went out, but I said no, probably cos of the food thing which I wouldn't want to have to explain. I wonder what that would've been like. I don't regret not going (what's the point, right?), but that doesn't stop the curiosity. Just the thought of sitting with my girlfriend, arm around her, just relaxing: even that's nice. Almost like a "we don't need these people—we just need each other" kind of thing :)

I also thought about meeting chicks at these kinds of things (this sparked a lot of material writing). Given the presence of booze, I don't think I'll ever meet a woman I'm attracted to at something like this. If anything, I'd be looking for the girl sitting in the corner, head buried in her 3DS, just as bored out of her mind as I am. Man, that'd be so fucking cool. See a nerdy chick in the corner, not dressed for the occasion, not talking to anyone, just sitting there playing Pokemon, looking all alone... and cute :3  I would totally cold-approach a girl like that, and I don't cold-approach anyone. 

:O they should have an app for that! They should have an app for that shit! You put it on your phone, and you activate it when you go to any social event where you know you won't fit in. It gives you an alert when anyone else who's activated the same app is within a certain radius, telling you where they are. Then you can go meet other people who share your pain, and bitch about how stupid everyone else is, then talk about internet fandoms or whatever. Get on this, developers!

yes i know it'd only work if a shitload of anti-social people had the app but fuck you my fantasies are perfect

Food & Friends

Wanted to write about a few things. Having three essays due in a two week period pisses me off. But such is life in the humanities.

I've been wondering a lot more about other things, very distracting things, in fact. First off, I've been contemplating my feelings toward food, and the reasons for my strange eating habits. I think I finally found a way to properly describe how I feel about it all, something I don't think I've had before; and a problem well-defined is a problem half solved, as they say.

Basically, imagine the most disgusting, rancid food you can think of. It looks awful, it smells awful, and you definitely would not eat it--but you also know other people eat it, even some who love it. You know you can buy it in a supermarket; you know it's got ingredients in it that, on their own, you're fine with; you even know friend and family who eat it on a regular basis. But to you, it's so repugnant that you would never indulge in it, not without being forced to do so. That's how I feel about pretty much everything the average person eats, particularly meat and vegetables. Bread and fruit look okay, for the most part, but they're still kinda scary. Meat and vegetables, on the other hand, are just awful.

I don't like that mindset, and wish I could change it, but it's been ingrained in me for so long that it seems beyond repair at this stage. It's such a central issue, though; it's the root cause of a lot of other problems, so to fix this would be to half-fix a lot of other shit. And part of me wants that change, but it's not enough to get me to do anything.

Like, today, I was in a tutorial, and I looked around at people's arms, comparing them to my own. I have no desire to bulk up or become super-strong; I just want arms that don't look like a skeleton wrapped in skin :P  No one else I looked at had arms as skinny as mine. I mean, no one's ever said to me "my god your arms are skinny!" out of the blue, but I still look at them and go "...these could look way better". And I know that changing my eating habits would give me a bit more bulk, a bit more substance to my body.

Though I don't think I look ugly or repulsive, I honestly, sincerely doubt that anyone does (or can) find me physically attractive, not in the sense that they want to actually explore my body. It's not the only reason I wanna change my eating habits--it goes without saying I'd be a lot fucking healthier :P--but I seriously wanna look a little better than I currently do. I want to have that experience where a woman sees me and wants me, but it's hard to expect any girl to feel that way about me when I look so much younger and less mature than I actually am. And every time I become interested in a girl, the food thing is usually one of the biggest obstacles as far as confidence is concerned, cos I can't imagine any woman really being OK with it. I don't know if the rest of my personality makes up for what I lack physically and diet-wise. I know I can approach women if I like them enough anyway, cos the butterflies in my stomach are really good at instilling confidence, but I think if that I ate properly, it wouldn't take as much to get me to approach cos there'd be less anxiety getting in the way.

I've even thought about doing a little exercise, just some cardio cos I like to walk/run (I actually kinda used to exercise, sprinting home from high school to see how quickly I could get home with my backpack and heavy-ass laptop slowing me down :P), but without the fuel to facilitate the growth, it's not practical. If I try to exercise now, with what I currently eat, I'll just burn up what little fuel I already have that's keeping me awake. But if I ate properly, that regime would be possible to implement. Again, I've no interest in going to a gym and lifting weights or any shit like that--I'm a nerd, for fuck's sake :P--but I'd at least like to look average, cos right now, I'm a walking skeleton. Fairly sure most chicks aren't into that :P

I wouldn't even know where to begin with it, were I to decide to change. I'm fairly sure I'd need professional help. I know I can rely on my friends for support--it's certainly an admirable goal--but the perspective is so ingrained, and long-term battles aren't my forte. Haven't felt this much desire to change before, that's for certain--a good sign :)



I was also wondering about my friends a little. First off, my best friend is overseas now--it's the first time in a long time I've had my closest friend that distant. So far, it's no biggie, cos she's only been over there for ten days or so. I was worried before she left that I was gonna feel lonely, but it's not like we saw each other in person every other day or some shit, so that hasn't happened, at least not yet. We'll probably end up Skyping in the future, which will be fun, cos I haven't really Skyped before (did some webcamming with my ex over MSN, but that consisted of nothing but me looking into the lens to get her to laugh :P).

And I want her to have fun over there! I don't want her over there going "I hope he doesn't miss me too much". I want her to do all sorts of crazy shit, make the most of her time, with no more regard for me than she'd otherwise have. I just don't want to sit here counting down the days until she comes home cos I'm aching to see her again.

And though it seems like nothing, she referred to me as her 'best friend' at some point recently (I don't remember exactly where). She's by far my closest friend, and I've called her my best friend quite a few times, but though I knew I was up there on her list, I wasn't sure how high up. I've had close friends over the years, but they usually dwindled for one reason or another (relationships, moving overseas, school work, etc.)--the identity of my 'best friend' changed multiple times over the last two years of high school and my first year of uni. But this feels really cemented, especially with verbal confirmation on her end, and I'm happy about that, to know I have such a good friend who I can rely on :)  As I said, it seems like nothing, but it's something to me.

There's also another friend I have who I'm just... up in the air about. She's probably the furthest connection I have--one of the least-close friendships I actively maintain (if you can even say 'actively'). I don't doubt her as a friend; I just wonder how close the friendship actually is, and if it could even possibly be any closer.

Cos we never really talk to each other--the only means of communication we have are our blogs. I know she blogs for plenty of reasons other than me (in fact, I very much doubt she blogs so she can talk to me specifically :P), but though I blog for all kinds of reasons too, sometimes I do publish posts at least partially so she can see them, cos it's literally the only avenue of communication we have at this point.

But is it really an avenue of communication? Or am I just throwing information into a void? I don't know anymore. I know for certain she used to read my blog--she even said she had me in her thoughts back in February for that 21st I went to, which was totally unexpected. I like the rare occasions when we comment on each other's stuff. But that rarity is just... weird. It's like having a conversation with someone where each person speaks once every few months.

And she posted recently about being busy, doing uni work, having a crush, etc.--stuff I can relate to! I mean, most people can relate to that stuff, but that doesn't take away from the relation, surely; it's still something to talk about, right? So I thought "hey, I should post a comment!", but then didn't quite know what to say. I know I can relate, but is that enough reason to say something? Does she care that I can relate? She doesn't often reply to comments (something even my best friend, who's closer to her than I am, confirmed, meaning it's not the fact it's me leaving comments), so I'm often left wondering what the hell she even thought of what I said. I remember leaving a pretty long comment ages ago, something to do with being funny and making jokes (if there's anyone who can fuckin' talk about that, it's me :P), and didn't get a reply. I wondered for ages "well, did it help you? Or should I just not bother in future?"

I dunno. It just feels like an under-maintained friendship, I guess, maybe because we're not that similar, maybe cos we just don't interact much.

EDIT: upon further reflection, I've realised I could technically say this about multiple friendships of mine. The only reason this particular case sticks out is because while I do get to hear about what the person does, it's in a more impersonal way (from a blog rather than in a conversation), whereas with my other friends, while I interact with them only a little more frequently, it's almost always conversational. I could really talk to all my friends online more than I currently do. /EDIT





Back on positive notes, I've also started to talk more with one of the people I met at that sleepover I went to in February. He's starting most of the conversations, so that's a good sign: I'm cool to talk with and other people want to talk to me enough that they'll say 'hi' of their own accord :)  I'm really bad at that (perhaps explaining my previous dilemma): I almost never say 'hi' to people. It's like a pattern: I'm almost always on the receiving end, so to start convos myself feels like I'm breaking a pattern, like the other person's gonna go "he never says 'hi'... he's up to somethin." I know there are plenty of people I could start convos with and it wouldn't matter, cos they wouldn't think that at all; but there are at least a couple of people where, though I'd like to talk to them, it seems too out of place to start the convo.

Enough typing for me. Must get back to works.