Beauty: In Language and People

I went to bed at 11 pm last night; I wasn't asleep until sometime past 3am the next morning.
I woke up with 10 minutes to get ready; it took me 15.
I got to my editing lecture 10 minutes late.

But goddamn, I'm happy right now.

Editing class does that to me. If the language is drugs, grammar is my crack cocaine: pure and dangerous. I mean, it's the only class where I really know what I'm doing. It's not like I'm not learning anything—if anything, I learn more and more each week—but it's the only class where I sit down and know I'm gonna kick ass in at least some respect. Substantive editing (editing for tone, consistency, redundancies, point of view, etc.) isn't the easiest and I'm only just picking it up, but there's a real buzz out of picking up someone's work and ripping it to pieces, suggesting better ways to say things, questioning all the ambiguities—brings out the superiority complex in everyone :P  Line-by-line editing (accidental narcotics pun FTW :D), however, is my favourite: droppin' punctuation like a boss, correcting the typos even Word would miss... fucking fun ^_^

I somehow managed to get into a little discussion with the teacher on whether the word 'over' in the title One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest was a preposition. Without really realising it, I'd come to a stronger conclusion than she had, being correct in stating that it was indeed a preposition rather than an adverb (as had been contested). She then complimented me on my grammatical ability in general—to quote NintendoCapriSun: so happy! It's just good to know the work I've put in to my technical writing skills over the years has paid off. On one hand, it's probably a little ridiculous that such a small compliment can make me feel so proud; but I know when I've earned my keep, and this is one keep I have fucking earned. 1 smiley approved for display :)

On the other hand... don't call my grammar good when there's a woman I'm interested in sitting across from me! You trollin'? Don't fucking troll me now, not with this! I already have next to no chance—are you gonna rob a poor man? The only thing I like more than that class is her... and she's in that class... so, not only am I doing lines, but I've also got a needle sticking out my arm! It doesn't matter what she wears, how she does her hair, who she's with, her mood that day... she's beautiful. Every class with her sees my urge to talk to her grow—and that's seriously the only thing I wanna do with her right now! Well... not the only thing, but the first thing, most certainly! I keep saying to myself 'Goddamn it, seriously, I would kill people just to talk to her. I'd slaughter half the fucking room just to get so much as a five minute conversation! I'll go Virginia Tech level if I have to—I don't care!' ...what the fuck am I talking about? I'll commit academic genocide, but won't go up to a girl I'm interested in and say 'Hi!'? These drugs are fucking my sense of logic right up :P

What's unusual is that I don't want to look at her. I actively prevent myself from doing that. The urge to ogle was stronger today than it has been for the past few weeks... it's getting harder and harder to not look :P  It's that thing where you want to look at someone, so you do, and then they look at you perchance, and you instantaneously look away thinking you've gotten away with it... then you go right back to looking at the person, they look at you again perchance, and you look away again—as if that trick's gonna work twice :P  She makes me forget all the shortcomings I usually think of when dreaming of women in solitude. I'm not even in the picture—it's just her. I don't know if that's love, and the label doesn't matter to me: all that matters is that I'm happy when I see her. Maybe I'll talk to her, maybe not—I really want to—but for now, I just like seeing her. I'll take what happiness I can get right now: if seeing her makes me happy, so be it. They're not dirty thoughts, nor intrusive, confusing, ambiguous, hurtful: just beautiful. Like her innocent smile... and the eyes that pop out of her head... and her curly hair... and her skin...

Beautiful like her :)

Value: Your Mileage May Vary

Awhile back, I wrote about how most (male) teens don't know what a "friend" is. I stand behind that - they're fucking clueless on the subject :P Having said that, however, it's not just friendship for which the street definition varies between demographics. This is a frequent encounter of mine (and probably yours too) in the consumer world: you've probably been browsing in a store or through some form of media, to stumble upon something with a sticker price you internally define as "way too expensive!" or "a fucking bargain!" I find this quite puzzling, because currency is supposed to define value, yet we have different perceptions about how much value said currency actually has! The company defines a product's monetary value, but you will go right ahead and define its value again using an internal measurement system based on what this product can do for you as a customer.

In this world of rapidly advancing technology, it takes a fuckload to drop our jaws to the ground in awe. 50 years ago, television was broadcast without colour; no colours! None! You'd smack your TV silly if the shit you watch came up in black and white, irrespective of whether or not the program you're watching was originally filmed in black and white (and, chances are, if it was filmed in black and white, you ain't watching what I'd call "shit" :P) That feature of media has lost its value because it's commonplace, with its position as the standard removing its former luster in television's history. Today, if it isn't a widescreen, hi-def, 3D flat-panel with built in DVD and PVR, it ain't worth taking home. I remember having a tiny CRT TV in my room with only one speaker - and hence only one audio input - and how much of a luxury it was to take my PS2 to the other TV in our house: the one with two speakers! I could plug the white pin and the red pin in to the AV input! Holy shit! Today, a 32" 1080p LCD TV with a built in digital tuner and 4 HDMI inputs sits in my bedroom, and if you've ever played a PS2 on both a CRT and a flat panel, you'll know just what "better" technology does to a system not built for the screen you're playing it on :P

As I was saying before, however, this same lack of consistency exists in the social world in abundance.What most teens consider to a friend I consider an acquaintance, but even then, I value friends a lot more than most people simply because I don't have many. I'm not even sure if I the amount of people I even know is on par with the amount of friends my friends have. Who I consider to be my best friend may, in fact, be my only friend at this point - at least the only one I know in real life - and there aren't too many people I maintain regular contact with over the internet either, irrespective of their demographic. A few days back, the best friend I mentioned earlier went with me to see a movie, which got me thinking about the last time someone who wasn't my (ex :P) girlfriend invited me anywhere... and I actually failed to recall that information! I could not remember the last social outing I went on! This friend of mine probably goes out with his friends at least one a week, and I actually have trouble remembering my previous activity! As he was using his phone to browse the internet, he asked "don't you hate it when your signal drops out randomly while browsing like that?" My phone has never dropped out while browsing because my phone can't browse the Internet :P Why buy something I'm not going to use! I seldom go out, so I see no reason to replace my 5 year old handset. It probably doesn't even know what the Internet is.

Going a bit further back, I recall going to a relative's 18th and seeing just how many friends this motherfucker had in the house at the same time! I've never seen this many people this age before outside an educational context in my life, yet he probably considers this to be the norm! I was there only by blood, not by mateship... was there even a point to me being there? I don't drink alcohol and I don't talk unless I'm comfortable... which in this case means being pissed out of your head :P I considered it a waste of my time as I sat there playing Tetris, even though that's what I would have been doing anyway :P I don't think I value time at all, seeing as I waste so much of it. I value friends more than anything in this world, yet I think social activity is worthless... doesn't quite add up, does it? I look down on partying as a meaningless excuse for celebrating Western excess and group inebriation, yet I've never been to a party and hence am completely unfamiliar with the atmosphere. Even the girl that I've been talking about, the one that I'm liking so much, is (according to what I've heard) a socialite! If something sparks between us, shit's gonna hit the fan - my fan. I'm just far more comfortable in front of a screen with some buttons to press, where I treasure the things I value: games, writing, comedy and solitude.

I suppose 2 is my perfect number: only one other person to interact with. They're all yours, and you're all theirs. Their status as a friend, chum, pal, colleague, or my other half doesn't matter to me - so long as we're having a good time, who cares? Another one or two people is sometimes nice - especially with a controller for each one :P - but that one-on-one scenario comes with the most contact and the least interference. Having said that, though, there's that wild feeling you get when you're around what you determine as "a lot of people." Being a performer, I guess having hundreds of people around me is only an issue if I'm among them :P I love getting up in front of crowds and being a funny bastard, but only if I'm given the floor, otherwise it's just daunting, not to mention the fact that it would make me look like a total arsehole. There's something else I value highly: stage time, once again because I hardly get any :P Perhaps I have to chase these things I value so highly, but how do I go about it? Do I raise my internal value of the things I love to give me more incentive, or do I lower their value to make them seem not so far away?

... crap... more questions I can't answer.