Over the past few years, the Australian federal government has created and developed what was referred to at a press conference held this afternoon as the Stop Ordering Pizza Act, known as SOPA for short. This act, according to the documentation, has been created:
"...in response to the now overbearing issue of unhealthy dietary and lifestyle habits that have become far too prevalent in Australian society [today]."
The documentation claims that:
"...these habits are obviously due to the fact that Australians living almost anywhere can order pizza over the phone—and more recently, over the Internet—to have it delivered to their front door, without a scrape of effort on the consumer's part."
Federal investigators have pointed the finger squarely at the businesses who offer such pizza delivery services, claiming that they are the ones responsible for the outbreak in obesity and several other health issues over the last thirty years.
One investigator present today justified these findings by claiming that "...the ever-increasing availability of such services makes Australians more inclined to make use of them, rather than opting for a healthier alternative that may take more time or effort to prepare."
He spoke in favour of "…the ability of government to more strictly regulate participating businesses… [as this] is essential to ensuring a lower average weight, and a higher life expectancy and quality of life in general, for every Australian."
As for the regulations, at the top of the list sits the ability for police at federal, state, or even local level, to issue a legally enforceable 'cease and desist' order to any applicable business, effectively preventing the business from operating.
An 'applicable business' is, according to the documentation: 'any business involved in the manufacturing or distribution of foods, drinks, or other substances deemed extremely detrimental to the human condition'. It has been confirmed that pizza delivery businesses definitely fall under this category.
These orders can be issued if categorised businesses are so much as accused of contributing to the excessive weight-gain of any Australian citizen. No court procedure is required; one complaint could lead to the almost-immediate closure of any pizza restaurant in the country
It was also stated by officials today that the business definition means these new laws will pertain to all pizza restaurants, whether they offer home delivery services or not.
Several lines of legislation further on give courts the ability to lay down heavy sentences on the employees of any accused pizza restaurant. If taken into custody, any manager, chef, cook, or janitor could be charged with wounding, injury, and/or inflicting grievous bodily harm. Should the victim be deceased, these extend as far as manslaughter and negligent homicide, all the way to first degree murder.
One investigator present today justified these findings by claiming that "...the ever-increasing availability of such services makes Australians more inclined to make use of them, rather than opting for a healthier alternative that may take more time or effort to prepare."
He spoke in favour of "…the ability of government to more strictly regulate participating businesses… [as this] is essential to ensuring a lower average weight, and a higher life expectancy and quality of life in general, for every Australian."
As for the regulations, at the top of the list sits the ability for police at federal, state, or even local level, to issue a legally enforceable 'cease and desist' order to any applicable business, effectively preventing the business from operating.
An 'applicable business' is, according to the documentation: 'any business involved in the manufacturing or distribution of foods, drinks, or other substances deemed extremely detrimental to the human condition'. It has been confirmed that pizza delivery businesses definitely fall under this category.
These orders can be issued if categorised businesses are so much as accused of contributing to the excessive weight-gain of any Australian citizen. No court procedure is required; one complaint could lead to the almost-immediate closure of any pizza restaurant in the country
It was also stated by officials today that the business definition means these new laws will pertain to all pizza restaurants, whether they offer home delivery services or not.
Several lines of legislation further on give courts the ability to lay down heavy sentences on the employees of any accused pizza restaurant. If taken into custody, any manager, chef, cook, or janitor could be charged with wounding, injury, and/or inflicting grievous bodily harm. Should the victim be deceased, these extend as far as manslaughter and negligent homicide, all the way to first degree murder.
Whilst pizza restaurant employees have claimed these laws to be "extreme and vicious in nature", one official said today that "…although these new laws may seem outlandish in nature, with this legislation's enforcement will come measures that ensure justice for Australians on both sides of the proverbial scale."
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| Could this mean the end of the humble pizza pie in Australia? |
Their primary focus is the lack of a clear definition of what businesses are affected by these new laws should they be enacted. Said a representative from one snack food manufacturer:
"What classifies as a 'substance deemed detrimental to the human condition'? We have no idea, and neither do they, it seems. If they're gonna take this on some kind of 'I know it when I see it' basis, we could be in big trouble, and we don't even do pizza."Not far down the list also sit powers to the freeze bank accounts of both the accused business and its employees. Whilst these have been claimed to '…stop the business and its employees from funding further criminal activity', scrutiny from one affected businesses cited this power to be an example of the "overly interfering and intrusive nature [of the legislation]."
The proposed legislation is not, however, without supporters. Associations including Obesity Prevention Australia, Diabetes Australia, and The Heart Foundation strongly claim that the legislation is "vital to help Australians realise their full potential in leading healthy, active lifestyles."
It has been claimed that fruit and vegetable suppliers, as well as health food manufacturers, have been buying the support of these groups to promote their own agenda and eliminate competition in the marketplace. Representatives from all three of the organisations listed above stated that these claims are "wild", "ludicrous", "anticompetitive" and "without evidence."
It has been claimed that fruit and vegetable suppliers, as well as health food manufacturers, have been buying the support of these groups to promote their own agenda and eliminate competition in the marketplace. Representatives from all three of the organisations listed above stated that these claims are "wild", "ludicrous", "anticompetitive" and "without evidence."
In response to claims of the "formation of a police state" from one journalist, one official defended the government plans by stating that "giving police these new powers is extremely necessary, as our research has concluded that Australians are too stupid and irresponsible to be held liable for their poor dietary and lifestyle habits any longer."
Leaks from whistleblowers around the country have assisted in the circulation of rumours claiming that similar legislation pertaining to other industries is also under development.
The most popular theories claim there to be legislation that will:
God, when asked about this matter, did not offer to comment.
Leaks from whistleblowers around the country have assisted in the circulation of rumours claiming that similar legislation pertaining to other industries is also under development.
The most popular theories claim there to be legislation that will:
- make car manufacturers legally responsible for all automobile accidents.
- make alcohol manufacturers responsible for all incidents of intoxication
- make firearms (no, not firearm manufacturers, the guns themselves) legally responsible for all incidents of ballistic trauma.
God, when asked about this matter, did not offer to comment.
by Liam McCann
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