SOPA: New Legislation Takes the Slice out of Life!

Today, the Australian Parliament released details regarding new legislation that has everyone with an appetite talking.

Over the past few years, the Australian federal government has created and developed what was referred to at a press conference held this afternoon as the Stop Ordering Pizza Act, known as SOPA for short. This act, according to the documentation, has been created:

"...in response to the now overbearing issue of unhealthy dietary and lifestyle habits that have become far too prevalent in Australian society [today]."

The documentation claims that:

"...these habits are obviously due to the fact that Australians living almost anywhere can order pizza over the phone—and more recently, over the Internet—to have it delivered to their front door, without a scrape of effort on the consumer's part."

Federal investigators have pointed the finger squarely at the businesses who offer such pizza delivery services, claiming that they are the ones responsible for the outbreak in obesity and several other health issues over the last thirty years.

One investigator present today justified these findings by claiming that "...the ever-increasing availability of such services makes Australians more inclined to make use of them, rather than opting for a healthier alternative that may take more time or effort to prepare."

He spoke in favour of "…the ability of government to more strictly regulate participating businesses… [as this] is essential to ensuring a lower average weight, and a higher life expectancy and quality of life in general, for every Australian."

As for the regulations, at the top of the list sits the ability for police at federal, state, or even local level, to issue a legally enforceable 'cease and desist' order to any applicable business, effectively preventing the business from operating.

An 'applicable business' is, according to the documentation: 'any business involved in the manufacturing or distribution of foods, drinks, or other substances deemed extremely detrimental to the human condition'. It has been confirmed that pizza delivery businesses definitely fall under this category.

These orders can be issued if categorised businesses are so much as accused of contributing to the excessive weight-gain of any Australian citizen. No court procedure is required; one complaint could lead to the almost-immediate closure of any pizza restaurant in the country

It was also stated by officials today that the business definition means these new laws will pertain to all pizza restaurants, whether they offer home delivery services or not. 

Several lines of legislation further on give courts the ability to lay down heavy sentences on the employees of any accused pizza restaurant. If taken into custody, any manager, chef, cook, or janitor could be charged with wounding, injury, and/or inflicting grievous bodily harm. Should the victim be deceased, these extend as far as manslaughter and negligent homicide, all the way to first degree murder.

Whilst pizza restaurant employees have claimed these laws to be "extreme and vicious in nature", one official said today that "…although these new laws may seem outlandish in nature, with this legislation's enforcement will come measures that ensure justice for Australians on both sides of the proverbial scale."
 

Could this mean the end of the humble pizza pie in Australia?

Pizza restaurants aren't the only ones making their concern vocal. Snack food manufacturers (including Arnotts, Cadbury, Nestle, and Allens), along with other businesses, are also openly criticising the act.

Their primary focus is the lack of a clear definition of what businesses are affected by these new laws should they be enacted. Said a representative from one snack food manufacturer:

"What classifies as a 'substance deemed detrimental to the human condition'? We have no idea, and neither do they, it seems. If they're gonna take this on some kind of 'I know it when I see it' basis, we could be in big trouble, and we don't even do pizza."

Not far down the list also sit powers to the freeze bank accounts of both the accused business and its employees. Whilst these have been claimed to '…stop the business and its employees from funding further criminal activity', scrutiny from one affected businesses cited this power to be an example of the "overly interfering and intrusive nature [of the legislation]."

The proposed legislation is not, however, without supporters. Associations including Obesity Prevention Australia, Diabetes Australia, and The Heart Foundation strongly claim that the legislation is "vital to help Australians realise their full potential in leading healthy, active lifestyles."

It has been claimed that fruit and vegetable suppliers, as well as health food manufacturers, have been buying the support of these groups to promote their own agenda and eliminate competition in the marketplace. Representatives from all three of the organisations listed above stated that these claims are "wild", "ludicrous", "anticompetitive" and "without evidence."

In response to claims of the "formation of a police state" from one journalist, one official defended the government plans by stating that "giving police these new powers is extremely necessary, as our research has concluded that Australians are too stupid and irresponsible to be held liable for their poor dietary and lifestyle habits any longer."

Leaks from whistleblowers around the country have assisted in the circulation of rumours claiming that similar legislation pertaining to other industries is also under development.

The most popular theories claim there to be legislation that will:

• make car manufacturers legally responsible for all automobile accidents. 
• make alcohol manufacturers responsible for all incidents of intoxication
• make firearms (no, not firearm manufacturers, the guns themselves) legally responsible for all incidents of ballistic trauma.

One anonymous tipster, a member of Hillsong Church, claims there to be evidence for the development legislation that would give authorities the ability to make God Himself responsible for any and all legal and ethical breaches across the country, seeing as He is responsible for the creation of absolutely everything (according to Christian scripture).

God, when asked about this matter, did not offer to comment.

by Liam McCann

Oligarchy: Go Fuck Yourself

Being part of an education system means being subjected to a seemingly endless tirade of dictation and exertion, especially in those final few years. It’s not the worst place one can be, but it’s far from any environment I’d seek refuge in. Some schools are more laid back than others, being paradise compared to the prisons that exist only a few kilometres afar, but the schooling system is all being levelled out so that no matter where you go to school, you will have the same freedom as everyone else: almost none. There is a program being undertaken in our state (perhaps our entire country) to build fences around anything labelled a “school.” I’m not talking fences that mark borders or make it clear to a child where the boundaries are, because those fences already exist. I’m talking about the 10ft high variety you would typically fashion around a penitentiary, and though they may not be as electric as those surrounding inmates, they’re just as confining and symbolic. My school already has buildings painted in a dull, uninspiring shade of grey, hundreds of students wearing uniforms, and even bars on the back of particular windows; does my school need to look any more like a fucking prison? Why don’t they make chains and shackles part of the dress code too while they’re at it?

This, however, is one of the more overt manners in which the government exercises their power, and to some degree, it makes sense. Primary school children, for instance, can easily hop over some of the fences I had around my primary school, chase their ball on to the road, get hit by a four wheel drive and end up 20 metres down the road. I don’t 100% agree with such over-protectionism, but I can at least understand the justification. I go to a school where there’s a student parking lot; we have the mental ability to drive cars, but not to cross the road without being hit? That doesn’t add up, at all. And don’t try to con me in to thinking they put the fence up to protect the school’s property; the school has no property worth protecting (and no, the students are not the school’s property :P) There are a million and one ways in which the state exercises power over its subjects, and that is just one of them.

If school is a prison, then the teachers are the guards, and the principal is the warden.  Their job is not just to teach, but to discipline. The issue here is that you are disciplined for doing “wrong” where what is “wrong” is dictated by the warden; their prison, their rules. For example, the principal is the one who determines when we are supposed to be studying. In a school, studying means learning what the teachers are trying to teach you, not the more general form you’ll find in the dictionary. As a writer, I use a lot of the “study time” we have to write things that have sweet fuck all to do with what teachers are shovelling down my throat, which means I am breaking the rules… but what if I want to become a writer? Surely, my writing is doing far more for my future than the study of other subject matter ever will. I am evidently not shaken by my school’s doublespeak :P

So, how is anyone else persuaded to follow the order of the day? Simple: fear. That’s how any power structure works: the higher-ups manipulate the world below them to put the commoners in a position where they have something to lose. They give them just enough to fuss over, but not enough to contain that fuss. In this case, fears of a “bad future” (which, according to these motherfuckers, is “not having a piece of paper that says you’re good at something” >.>) are what lead people to do what they’re told; they believe it’s in their best interests. I believe it’s in my best interest to fuck these people over and use their resources for my own personal gain.

This is where the discipline comes in: more than ever before, your student record has an effect on your employment prospects. If you’re the goody two shoes who never steps out of line, eats an apple every day, and consistently scores high in exams (A.K.A if you’ve submitted to the pressures of the system and have lost the will to think for yourself – there’s two ways to look at everything :P) you’ve got a “good” future ahead of you. When I say “good,” I really mean “comfortable.” Things won’t go wrong for you, at least hypothetically; you’ve got certificates and qualifications a mile high to fall back on. You’ll meet the perfect partner, have 2 children, buy a house in suburbia and live a life numb to challenge and real discourse. That’s why you listen when that teacher says “Have you got work to do?” The answer is never “No”, but the real question is “How will this doing this work help me in the future?” Talk back to any motherfucker who abuses their position to patronise you. If they say talking back is “wrong,” that means discussion is “wrong,” and that just ain’t right.

If you want to rebel, then go right ahead! So long as you’re willing to accept liability for your actions, you can do anything. It’s finding the right way to protest where the challenge lies. You have to be different to stand out, but sometimes, the simplest method is the best one. Demand justification for anything you don’t understand. Some teacher gives you shit? Throw it back at ‘em! Use your intellect to psyche them out; it may take a bit of preparation beforehand, but it’s the best way to go about it. Learning about language and how to manipulate it in order to get a response is one of the smartest things you can do if you want to fight someone. Your fists will get you nowhere, as will unexpressed thought. The school system is just opening doors for you; jump out a window and have some fun! If you think curricular study will give you a good life, then keep that up; loving school is, by chance, a far better attitude to have if you want or need the system to get somewhere or something. But, if you hate your school and its attitude, and can explain your reasoning, then get up and say something.

Fuck with the system; it’s not there to be fucked with, but it does happen to be very fuckable :P