I love this motherfucker: so blunt, so brutal, so funny. Need moar. Moar.
Anyway, onto the point. I'm getting kind of sick of my mentality. This ridiculous "everything's so hard and I'll never amount to anything" bullshit, it's gotta stop somewhere. I overreact to so much stimuli (in terms of positivity and negativity), and what little it's now taking to get me into a hypo/hyper active state is absurd.
Like, about an hour ago, I saw some post on Facebook about my ex getting back from some trip she went on. I instantly feel anxious and tense, feeling the need to close every Facebook tab I have open, stop writing the comedy I was working on, and play Tetris to get my mind off it. Seriously, the fuck? My ex got back from a trip—why do I feel weird because of that? It's nothing that should make me feel uncomfortable. And it took little more than even seeing her name to set me off in the first place; again, why? Am I going to feel funny every time I see her name? I'm making way too many connections with what I'm seeing. I have an ex + I see her name = I remember that I had a failed relationship = I realise I was part of something that failed = I think I'm a failure. The 87 I got in my HSC Advanced Maths is fucking with me here—this isn't exactly the outcome my maths teacher had in mind when she was teaching :P
Another instance of overreaction came a few days back when I saw that some other girl I liked ages ago is travelling in Europe. Again, all it took was the sight of her name and the mention of the activity, and I was in over my head. This wasn't so much a depressive episode as it was a blind rush of energy, leading me to get out of my chair and pace around for a bit talking to myself, but it's still fucking retarded that it made me react that much. Some young woman I met is in a different continent—whoopde-fucking-do! This doesn't relate to me; it's not important to me; I'm not part of the picture. Why am I freaking out over stupid shit like this? Again, drawing conclusions. I liked her, got rejected, managed to move on by finding someone else, but lost all that; now, I know she's enjoying herself in another part of the world, taking on responsibility I never could and doing things I wouldn't have the courage to do in a million years. I picture her in bars, drinking, dancing, meeting people, having a good time—the very atmosphere I feel uncomfortable in—and I don't have the slightest fucking clue what she's doing! I'm just guessing, and the guesses are practically based on what I know will make me feel bad about myself. I'm effectively going nuts when I picture her doing something our age group just does, something normal, that I'm afraid of. You know you're in over your head when you're overreacting to things whose nature as nonexistent merit them no reaction whatsoever :P
The negative filter I see myself through is becoming the default, and I don't want that. I've always been one to believe that so long as I recognise that there's a problem with my perspective, it is not beyond self-repair. If I delve into self-depreciation any further, it's going to quicken the exponential downward spiral; and that's what this is: a self-accelerating image problem. I see something that provokes a negative thought, I feel bad because I infer far too much from the data, and that just happens over and over. I use to think of like a waveform with peaks and troughs, but the peaks are getting higher and the troughs lower. I'm getting more sensitive to things; I have to become less sensitive in order to live more comfortably as a young adult. I have to indulge in these "mature things" people my age do to become OK with doing them. My eating habits are kinda hardwired into me now, so they probably won't change; consumption of drugs and alcohol... maybe, if I feel comfortable with it; driving... I guess I'll have to eventually. But going to a bar or something with friends to hang out? For fuck's sake, that only requires me to show up; and, I mean, my friends will be there, so it couldn't be that bad, could it? I mean, if I wanna meet a girl, this is the way to do it! Pussy isn't gonna come to my front door and say "Here I am! :D"—doesn't happen that way :P
Most of the dreams and desires I have are of relatively plain things, at least as far as I can tell. I mean, last night, I dreamed of going out for dinner with some blonde woman in a red dress who I'd never seen before. She was drinking red wine and laughing at things I was saying (no clue what we were eating, lol); then we went back to her place and started making out. Upon her realisation of where this was headed, she nervously told me she'd never had sex before. I said that I hadn't either, she smiled, then we made love. ...seriously, does anyone else my age have dreams like that? To me, that's something a fucking 30 year old does, not me :P Don't get me wrong; I have crazy dreams too. I once envisioned going on stage at the Apollo (which has the word 'APOLLO' written in lightbulbs across the back wall), grabbing the mic stand, and smashing the lights of the two L's and the two O's, right before proceeding to talk about iPhone apps... that is, until I realised Apollo has only one P in it... it's a good thing I dreamed about that before I got a chance to do it, or I would have looked like a right cunt :P But, just in terms of my personal and social life, what I want is rather ho-hum. If I went out every few weeks and let go, I'd be happy with that. Eventually, I'd probably grow accustomed and want to party all the fucking time, but at least I'd be going places and doing stuff.
I've thought about doing comedy more and more too. I'm writing amendments to an hour-long show I did last year for about 50 students from my high school (which sucked, hence the amendments :P), and I'm really looking forward to recording the material and putting my uncensored, full-length show on YouTube. It just goes to show that all I need is something to look forward to and I'm fucking set. I mean, I obviously need to work towards it too, but the push to work comes from the desire to see the outcome, so that's taken care of already. I might even ask my UniBar if I can perform there. I've got a few 'safe' bits that I know will work, that have been tested on audiences before; if that goes well, I could experiment more and develop my own unique voice and tone. It makes me really happy to dream about being on stage at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival, or the Montreal Festival, or the Edinburgh Festival, or on any TV broadcast, and push every boundary they put in front of me. I don't know if I ever will (it's a bit silly thinking any exposure this comedy video will get will somehow get me shortlisted for a comedy festival :P) but I like to think about it, so I will. Too often, I tell myself that these dreams are unattainable; but they're only certain to be unattainable if I don't work towards them at all. A little work can turn into a lot more :)
I have a friend who also blogs, and she's blogged quite a lot about the efforts she's made to lose weight and lead a healthier life. Every entry has her achieving more and more, pushing herself to the next level, progressing to new heights, and getting closer to her ultimate goals. The cynic in me sees this and says "exercise is only pausing the clock; all the life you earn through a good diet and exercise you effectively waste through counting calories and running in circles :P"... then he also says "but you can't say shit because you're a lazy cunt, and while people call her 'beautiful', no one will ever think you to be the hottest guy in the room because you look like you belong in a science classroom teaching children about their skeletal structure—I mean, a woman could mistake your right arm for your dick and still call you impotent :P". First off, who's the real cunt: me or him :P But, more importantly, she's making a conceited effort to improve herself and she's succeeding. She's got to put in the hard yards but they fucking pay off; and it also gives her more energy and motivation to keep at it! Just like I have a negative exponential spiral that's pushing me downwards, she has a positive exponential spiral that pushes her upwards; sure, she still fucks up and makes mistakes, but it's still a general trend of improvement.
I hate all that "turn that frown upside-down", "don't stop believing in yourself" semantics bullshit—anyone trying to fuck me around with empty language like that is a deluded faggot who needs their fucking head pulled out of their arse—but I want to appreciate the concept of self-betterment and see it as an alternative to persistent self-depreciation. In one of the bits I'm doing for this comedy video of mine, I talk about my high school reference (or 'letter of recommendation') and how everything it says is a complete load of shit. My approach to study was not "conscientious and thoughtful", I did not display "school and house spirit", and I am not a "genuine, quiet" person ('quiet', in an employment context, is just a synonym for 'submissive' :P). It's a self-depreciative bit, but it's because the school is lying; they are the target of the humour. When I beat myself up because I'm too lazy or unmotivated to do anything beneficial, that's a whole different story—it's still self-depreciative, but I'm lying to myself. It's not humourous at all; and I'm bullshitting myself out of hard work and trying new things simply because I can't be bothered. That's just plain derpy :P
I guess I just want to better myself and see improvement in my life, see dreams actually come true and stuff. I want to hold my girlfriend by the waist and slow-dance with her while staring into her eyes and indulging in her natural smile, but I can't fucking do that without meeting the bitch first, can I :P I wanna get on TV and explore new comic ground, but I can't do that unless I walk onto a stage somewhere and get myself seen, can I :P I wanna actually be able to enjoy nights out rather than sitting to the side being uncomfortable (or simply not going at all), but I'm not gonna do that without letting myself fall victim to potentially shitty music and a pool cue to the back of the head, am I :P
Even as I write this, I feel happy, like I have potential. I know I can't let it go to my head and become arrogant or too complacent (fallen for that one too many times :P) but there's a big difference between a realistic outlook on one's future and simply assuming you'll get the worst possible outcome in any given scenario :P
Now... how to maintain this mindset forever... >.>
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