And it actually is more important, or at least it's becoming more important. All through high school, I didn't have much of a social life. I didn't know all the gossip, I wasn't invited to many birthday parties, and I had no attention from girls, but I had enough to get by, using my computer and video game consoles to fill in the blank, having no real desire to become more socially active. When I got a girlfriend, I loved it when we went out and did things together; I probably did more with her in those six months than I'd done with my school friends in the previous four-and-a-half years. When the relationship ended, it was back to the drawing board, and I made things a lot worse for myself when I left my friend group all together due to my discomfort around my ex, more-or-less excluding myself from the group's affairs altogether by hanging out in the library.
This refuge, however, wasn't as solitary as one might imagine. Another friend of mine hung out in the library rather frequently, and we often sat together and talked about things, becoming real close friends by the end of the year. People would also come up to the library during free periods as they always had, and I would occasionally go down and visit the group if I felt like it, so I wasn't completely cut off. I still managed to talk to people, I still managed to crack jokes—I still managed to be myself. My schoolies trip was probably the last large gathering I went to.
My social life after that has been borderline non-existent. The friend I mentioned earlier as being my library companion is still a good friend of mine, and we continue to talk on MSN to this day—she is the friend I speak to most often, by a mile. I feel like I talk to her too much, though, like I'm disturbing her. I've started preventing myself from instigating conversations with her if I talked to her the day before, trying to limit myself in case I'm pissing her off. I don't know if I am, because even though I've asked her this before and she says I'm not, there have been quite a few instances of me saying 'Hi' and her simply not replying. I can't be sure if she's doing something or if she genuinely doesn't want to speak to me at those times, so I'm not risking being a burden anymore.
I've also been to one, and only one, 'party' party—not a birthday party or a LAN party, but a house party with alcohol, music, that kind of shit (even a birthday party of that description would count :P). It's also the only one I've ever been invited to. I've been invited to a club twice, but declined due to my discomfort surrounding the idea; though I'm now willing to go, no further invites have come my way (I'd also need ID to get in, which I haven't bothered to get yet :P). Recently, I have been invited to two things by my friend group, which is good, but I still do almost nothing with other people, and am not invited anywhere where I can meet new people. I want to get out more, but things aren't coming my way; and while I don't expect to be spoonfed, opportunities are so infrequent that progress is almost impossible to make.
As for communication, there is only one person who really instigates conversations with me of his own volition; if I want to talk to anyone else, I have to start the conversation myself. That's something that kinda gets me down—it's as if no one wants to talk to me, as if I'm not worth speaking to in the first place. And the reasoning behind that is rather simple: I'm don't think I'm that interesting when I do talk to people, and I don't have that much to say to people. I often feel kinda pressured in conversations with people (more recently, even with people I once felt very comfortable talking to), simply because I can't relate to what they're saying or I can't think of an appropriate response. It's not like things are running through my head and I'm going 'Nah, don't say that, that's dumb'; I mean I can't think of a single thing to say back. When people talk about social issues, politics, religion, stuff like that, I'm usually the opposite, able to get into the discussion rather easily; but when it's personal things, pop culture, social lives, I'm fucking blank. Sometimes, I simply don't give a shit; and other times, I want to respond but simply can't, trying to find a personal point of reference but never succeeding.
Like, a couple of days ago, I was hanging around with some friends in a park. One of them had her phone out, playing music from some TV show or movie or something, and the others were singing along to it. Meanwhile, I'm standing there like a jackass, unable to do anything. I can't get in on it and I don't want to, so I'm bored shitless. But I'm not gonna go "Hey, I'm fuckin' bored, let's do something else", cos they're having fun, and I'm not gonna intrude on their fun for my own sake. I just have to stand there as the minority and bear with it. I find it ridiculous that these are supposed to be my friends, yet I seem to have nothing in common with them at times. I know I do have things in common with them, but more often than not, they talk about things that don't involve me at all. It's was as if I had no personality with which to decide how to act or construct a response to their words and actions.
About a month earlier, I was with the exact same group of people. The first half was kinda ho-hum, talking about personal stuff, me kinda responding but still rather silent. As soon as they started talking about gay marriage and religion, I was vocal as all fuck, cos this is stuff I know about—this is the crap I'd be reading up on at home if I wasn't here with these people.
To my way of thinking, it's a multi-part infinite loop:
Round and fuckin' round it goes :P
- I don't get out much, so I don't experience interesting things.
- Therefore, I don't have much to talk about.
- Therefore, I don't introduce myself to people, thinking I'm not good enough.
- Therefore, I don't get invited places, meaning I don't get out much.
Now, to my way of thinking, performing stand-up is a good way out of this. People (namely the audience) typically think it's interesting (I don't, but I immerse myself in it :P), and when I feel sad or depressed, comedy never fails to lift me back up, so it's an evidently reliable way to get me into a positive mindset where I am more inclined to speak to people I wouldn't otherwise speak to. It's just... organising the performance that's hard :P
What sucks most about this is that I see pictures of people on Facebook enjoying rich social lives, having the guts to go to new places, using their talents to make connections and enjoy themselves, meeting new people all the fucking time, and wondering how in the hell any of that comes to them. The answer's obvious: they did shit in the past that got them the connections and built them the courage, and I didn't. But how does one acquire that stuff now? Is it even possible? I look at how other people are so much more socially active than I am and come to the conclusion that something is wrong with me, such that A: people choose not to associate with me, and B: I choose not to associate with others. I feel socially and emotionally immature, even sub-human sometimes, wondering how I could possibly be so unevolved around such strong people. Others speak of things like fear and lack of motivation, but they have no clue what that actually means, not relative to the extent I do; in the same sense, I don't know how the social world works to the extent that they do.
I guess I want to be included, but don't feel up to it. I want to have more friends and go places with them a lot more often, but I don't see a way to get there, not just yet anyway. I want to have another relationship and be intimate with a girl, physically, emotionally, sexually, all of it; but if I see nothing in myself, they won't either, and if I don't speak to them, they won't speak to me. I wonder if I'm even capable of that strong a connection with someone anymore. I picture myself at parties, talking to girls, hitting it off with them, sometimes culminating in fornication, other times just ending with us talking the night away and waking up next to each other wondering where all the time went. I'm so cut off that I can't even find a girl to be attracted to, let alone to be pursued.
It just seems like I'm so many steps behind everyone else that I'll never catch up, forever in their shadow and never able to experience life on the same level that they do. Part of it's the whole negative outlook I can have, and I'm well aware that my perspective can shift radically when I'm in a positive mindset; but this has been on my mind perpetually, no matter how happy or sad I am at the time, so I evidently want this fixed. I want to revel in my dreams knowing they're at least possible, knowing they can be goals and not just wayward desires.
I think it's important to recognise that when you are hanging out with us, like at the park the other day, if you're bored, you have to say something and then suggest something you'd rather us do. I knew you were bored, it was kind of obvious, but I didn't know what else to do, you know? Groups are pretty passive, if you have a n idea and say 'hey let's go do this' people will be like 'fine whatever'. Like bri wanting to stop for icecream, you just have to suggest things. you have just as much right to do tht as anyone else. even just with conversation, if we're boring you, change topics.
ReplyDeleteOne might suggest that you look at what you actually enjoy doing and do that regardless of what social influences you think you're under. Having done the "social life for the sake of a social life" thing, I can tell you it's not particularly fulfilling in the long run, especially when all I wanted to do was just revel in being me.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is that I enjoy being with my friends and doing things with them, it's just that I'm socially awkward and often crawl into my shell when confronted with a situation like the one I described in the entry. It's not about doing things just because other people are doing them -- I hate conformity and will resist it at every opportunity. I want to get out more because I simply don't get out *at all*, and want to meet new people and experience new social things. It's just my own desire and need as a person to be social, not an attempt to fit in. I only describe seeing other people doing it and wanting to do what they're doing because what they're doing looks fun, not because I want to be like them.
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