And it's not just cos the video has bewbs in it... I pwomise... >.>
Speaking of
Everything else I do seems to be reminding me of it, too. I was watching the fifth season of Futurama this week, and at least three or four of the episodes have dating or relationships as a key plot device. It's like "come on, give me a brreeaaakkkk >.<". That's not to mention how much I can identify with Fry, being a derp and never succeeding at stuff (and, not that I'm one to fantasise about cartoon characters, but Leela is pretty hot :P). A friend of mine has started going out with somebody, and at a recent outing, another friend mentioned how much happier he looked—it's definitely noticeable. This is the same guy who, months ago, would joke to his friends about wanting to kill himself, this suicidal mindset not as much a charade as one might like it to be; but now, you can't wipe the smile off his face. And good for him: he's improved his social life tremendously, and it goes to show.
Part of this whole thing is having nowhere to focus all these feelings—there are no girls I have feelings for, and opportunities to meet any are thin on the ground. I went to my mother's boyfriend's daughter's eighteenth birthday dinner on Saturday night (not that I'm mad keen on my mum getting married, but at least then I could call this girl my sister-in-law instead of that mess :P), and was told there would be plenty of girls there, seeing as the girl invited lots of her friends. I'm like "Cool :)", so I got ready with the thought in my head that maybe I'd get to meet someone. Maybe there'd be no one suitable, maybe they'd all be taken, maybe they'd all be retarded—but maybe I'll be lucky. Who knows, right? It wasn't like all I was thinking about was the chicks that'd be there, but I did see it as an opportunity nonetheless.
So we get there before everyone else, and find that there are two long tables: one for the friends and one for the family. My mum thought it was one table for the younger ones and the other for the parents and relatives, but the birthday girl had invited enough friends to fill that table, so all the family, regardless of age, sat on one table. Slowly but surely, people arrive, and girls are now there to be seen. What was weird was that I didn't even want to look at the girls that were there; even that was scary. I'm like "I'm that weird skinny guy who they've never seen or met before, that guy whose connection to the celebrant you can't quite pinpoint, so, to these people, I look enough like a weirdo as it is. Best to keep your head down and keep playing on your phone" ...cos that totally helps me not look fuckin' weird :P
They ate and drank for ages, or at least it felt like ages—not much to do on your phone when you don't have that many apps installed and the 3G doesn't quite work yet :P I sat not facing the friends table (not my choice), so it took a while for me to actually see what who was there. There were a few who looked kinda pretty, but none that really drew me. Closest they got was a tall redhead (the fuck is it with me and redheads, man :P), but in the end, it was just 'meh'.
I never quite had it in me to talk to them, and I'll be the first to admit that talking to strangers frightens me worse than almost anything else, but, in all honesty, I didn't want to talk to these people. They were loud and obnoxious, and they sounded like they were talking about silly things that I'd take no interest in. I mean, the birthday girl's boyfriend was her school's captain: we're talking the fucking popular group here, those people :P I honestly don't think I would have gotten along with any of them. And they all went to a high school called Holy Spirit College—that restaurant was just a big box of assorted Catholics, and they all had alcohol in them, so I probably wouldn't have liked to om-nom any of 'em :P I could be wrong there—obviously, their school being religious doesn't mean they all are personally, nor does it automatically determine their attitudes to things—but the chances of me meeting someone I can be open with was lower at this event cos we probably would have disagreed on some pretty important things. I can't expect any girl I'm interested in to mirror my beliefs verbatim, but the bitch can't be superstitious, or we just aren't gonna get along :P There was a point where there were a few of them sitting at a table just talking with spare seats near them, so it's not like there weren't any opportunities, but I just wasn't feeling it that night. Should I have talked to them even though I didn't want to? I don't think there's much point. Oh well, just gotta wait a little longer, I guess.
I should also mention I had my fly open until I sat down at the table... it's always something, isn't it. Last time that happened, I was at my grandmother's funeral :P
The other problem here is that I don't talk to friends about this stuff. I don't have those deep and meaningful conversations I've heard so much about where you delve into these kinds of things. I'm not even sure I have a connection with any friend of mine that would allow for such a thing, lol. Since 2010, I've always used to have one friend I could count on to talk with about anything. From the start of 2010 to the middle, it was a girl in my group who was also in my Business Studies class who I got to know her quite well, becoming good friends; for the rest of Year 11, it was my girlfriend; at the beginning of 2011, after the breakup, it was a closer male friend of mine who did Drama with me; and from around midway through 2011 until now, it's been a girl I hung out with in the library while I was down and out. She's been pretty much the only person I've talked to about really personal stuff cos she's the only one I've kept in contact with, hence being the only person who I still have confidence in, the only person who I think knows me well enough to relate to me. Thing is, she's overseas now, so I'm keeping it bottled up, which isn't good.
I know I have a friend who reads this blog (sometimes I see it as a way I can talk to her at her leisure, her choosing to respond only if she wants to—which I appreciate, by the way :] ), and I know she's said that if I wanna talk about stuff, she's there and has no issue with it. I don't know if I have a close enough connection with her for such a conversation to work, though, nor do I know if she's willing to have the same level of trust in me as I would her. There aren't any other people I can think of, though. This is another thing I'll get if I meet moar people: I'll be able to spread my complaining around rather than focusing it all on one unlucky person :P
My desires are getting really strong now. I'm not feeling rapey or anything :P But goddamn do I want a girl to be with. I cannot stop think about cuddling. I've thought about that one act so many times, it's insane. I want to wrap my arms around a girl's nice round tummy and never let go. I want to feel the surge in my pelvis as my front connects with her back, even if I have to cross my legs to prevent creeping her out via poking my dick into her butt (happened all the time when cuddling my ex, soooo annoying >.<). I want to hold a girl close, so tightly, tighter than I ever have. I tried cuddling my pillow, but it's not the same—not just in terms of the shape and feel, but because it's not a sentient person who wants my affection. That connection is important. Desperation is evidently taking hold :P
I don't know what it is about having physical contact with a girl's tummy that draws me so much, but I just like it and want to touch it. Is it something to do with the womb? Is there some subconscious primordial desire at work here? Am I wanting to put stuff in that chasm that I really should hold off on for now?
And I want that girl to cuddle me too. I want that validation and acceptance, that gesture that says "I love you and I don't want you to leave me. Your warmth makes me smiley so I'ma steal some. Hope that's k with you :)", cos it's more than k: it's awesome.
I wanna make out, too. I wanna slip my tongue in a girl's mouth, close my eyes, and just go nuts. And I don't know why, but there is not one part of a girl's body I don't wanna kiss (except maybe her underarms, and her butthole... but if it's super clean and it turns her on, I'll do it—why not? ...don't fucking look at me like that, goddamnit :P).
And every time I lay down on my bed, I want a woman to be beside me. This is a more recent thing, but I want to lay next to a girl, even just to talk and be with her. It's someone who's there for me, someone who likes me being there for them, someone I can wake up next to and feel happy about being with. It's a comfort thing, I guess.
The sex I've talked about before, but while I know I'll probably be a little frightened when I finally get to do it, and I'm aware of how it won't be this amazing experience where they do nothing but moan and say sexy things, never in any pain or discomfort due to my sexual ignorance, where I make them cum (like that's gonna happen on my first go, if ever, lol), I still want it more than ever. I wanna go all the way. I want to see that look on her face that says "God, baby, I want you to fuck me. Satisfy me. Let me make you cum. I want it just as bad as you." Nothing gets me off like mutual pleasure.
And none of that can really happen without a relationship, without strong feelings in my mind and my heart, and that's what I want more than anything else right now: someone to like, maybe even love. Someone to long for, to think about, to dream about, to put butterflies in my stomach, to give me something to look forward to every day—that's the staple for me. That alone will fulfil me a great deal. I don't know where I'm gonna meet someone I'm inclined to talk to, but I guess I just have to keep waiting.
Even someone with whom I have a really good friendship and can talk to about anything, even that would be pretty sweet right now. It's not as if I don't have people I can talk to if I need to, but I'm talking about that friendship that you can count on for anything, that person you trust more than anyone else in the world, that person you tell anything and everything to, that kind of thing. That wouldn't necessarily be my girlfriend—as a matter of fact, it'd almost certainly end up being someone else, someone I'd be close to for far longer than your average relationship. I used to have really good connections with people from school, but they've drifted, both physically and socially, so I think it'll have to be someone new. Something else I'll have to wait for, but it'll be worth the wait.
The wait's half the fun, too, but the wait is definitely more fun when there's a girl to actually chase :P
It's disappointing you didn't talk to the people at the party, that sounds like a perfect opportunity to meet someone :( Having a girl almost the same age as you with a bunch of friends soundslike a great way to meet people. My tips for the future are no playing with phone, don't be intimidated by girls younger than you, and don't judge people by their school or how 'popular' they are. Holy Spirit is a good school (imo), it was my back up school lol.
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe it wouldn't have gone anywhere, but couldn't you have just introduced yourself, even if it meant laughing at the complicated relations to the girl, make a joke, that's your thing. They you could have just joined in. You don't have to be that weird exchange student that noone knows and sits by themselves, you could be the exotic new interesting person they haven't seen before. I know confidence is hard but just fake it, say hi. if it goes badly, you don't have to see them again.
On another note, I don't really know how people get around to having D and M's, i can't sympathise with you here. I'll never be popular or be a great conversationalist but I'm good at close friendships. You just need someone you can do lots of stuff with, even if its just gaming in the same room, on two different computers or whatever. Like, mia and i just hang out for hours lying on her bed scrolling through our tumblrs and being like 'haha have you seen thi--' 'yep'. So while i don't think i'd work out in that spot for you, i think that's what you need. Just someone to hang out with consistently, now maureen is for most intents and purposes, gone. And preferably, someone without lots of other best friends already. Bri or Megan maybe could be a good friend to you? Their my best friends but they both don't get out enough and could use someone to be closer to in the friend way. You don't like either of them romantically, so it could work maybe? Just a suggestion :)
I know I was a little prejudgemental with these people, but the way they were behaving was a serious turn off. The few things I overheard them talking about were of no interest to me, and they were demonstrably obnoxious :P I seriously doubt I would have gotten along with these people.
DeleteIt's not so much the interaction itself I fear as it is the initial introduction. That frightens the shit out of me and I can't get past that one thing. Once I'm talking to them, it's generally not too bad, but the part where I have to walk up to them while they're talking and introduce myself fucks with my head. I can't stand interrupting people -- it seems extremely annoying and pretentious to walk up to a group of people I don't know and be all like "Yeah, I'm just gonna decide to sit here and join in regardless of whether you want me to or not". It feels wrong, even if it isn't actually wrong. I don't understand how people can do that. The 'exotic, new, interesting person' angle does sound interesting, though -- a much better perspective to look at things from :)