Herp: derp :/

I published an entry on Friday the 22nd where I talked about a girl who I think likes me, explaining the reasoning behind my suspicions. Based on the assumption that she reads this blog (and I don't really know if she does, though I can see why she would), I figured she'd see the entry and know my side of the story. From there, she'd have been able to either bring it up with me to discuss, or take it on herself to take a firmer stance in moving on and finding someone else to like. I wrote part of the entry early in January when I began to suspect something was up, but didn't publish anything cos it didn't seem like anything that unusual was actually happening. Recently, some more stuff happened, so I added the new events onto the older entry and published it.

An anonymous commenter suggested I deal with this more assertively, confronting her about this and basically giving her a blunter 'no' than the one in the entry (which, as they put it, was more harsh with all its deconstructions of the girl's actions). The commenter assumed I was uncomfortable with the situation as it was, so it needed to be dealt with; thing is, I'm not really uncomfortable with this at all. I did mention one instance where I was a little uncomfortable with her lying on my shoulder, but that discomfort is only justified with the existing assumption that she likes me and was lying on me to indulge in physical contact with me because she likes me. This could be false: not only may I be wrong about her liking me, but she could be lying on me just cos she felt like it, cos that's what she does with her friends. Another friend of mine told me how the girl in question would do the same with her, so it could well be a friendly thing. No other mentions of discomfort on my part were made—in fact, I mentioned how part of the reason I like to talk to her is because it usually is comfortable.

I discussed this with another friend of mine, and she agreed that the entry could make the girl feel bad for no good reason; this is why I took it down. Hopefully, she didn't read it in the ~48 hours it was online and no harm has been done. I saw her at a meet-up the day after I published it, and everything seemed fine, so unless she read it the evening after that meet-up, I doubt she's seen it.

My friend told me not to worry about it, but to be honest, I did. I had tears in my eyes before our conversation ended, and I felt pretty stupid about the whole thing for an hour or two after she had to go to sleep. I wasn't hysterical, but I still felt awful because I didn't want to hurt this girl's feelings for no good reason—I wrote the entry to avert bad feelings, not invoke them. It was like the blog entries I wrote about Lucy and some other people a year back: releasing information I shouldn't have released, and jumping to conclusions off very little intel. That's why I felt so bad about it—I was repeating a previous mistake, one I should have learned from.

I mean, one way or another, if she does like me, and I'd let her know that, no, I didn't like her back and that this definitely wasn't gonna happen, she was probably gonna feel bad. But that was the alternative to her indulging in this fantasy where it could happen, and then running into the brick wall that is reality, right before it fell on her and crushed her completely. I saw it as a necessary evil.

That's what I felt some of the interactions we'd had of late were: chances to get closer to me, to experience contact with me of any kind, to satisfy her supposed need for it. But I don't really know if that's what's going on here. And that's not to mention how I've been told that, whoever it is she likes, she knows he's not interested, and hence she will not pursue him. She's not in over her head—she knows efforts like the ones I assumed would be futile—so it's calling her a liar to say she's doing this to try and make me like her or something.

Here's the bottom line: this girl's feelings are her feelings, and are hence her problem, not mine. Whoever she likes, it's her responsibility to deal with it and get over it, however she sees fit. Whether she likes me or not, nothing she's doing really indicates any attempt to strike a flame, so it's not a problem for me at all. Maybe she does like me, and she really enjoys my company and conversation, but engages in this with the knowledge that it can go no further. Assuming it's me, she evidently has this under enough control for it to be perfectly fine hanging with her. And assuming it's not me, it can't even begin to be an issue :P

I think, rather than assuming she likes me and risking shutting her down, I should take advantage of what's on offer. Here is a girl who I know likes talking to me, who I know likes spending time with me, who I'm already friends with—let's make that friendship better! I don't talk to her too much, but I talk to her more than any of my other friends at the moment cos, as I said, talking to her is usually great. I fear boring my other friends by spouting bullshit they have no interest in; but that's not a concern with this girl cos she's never uninterested in what I have to say. I try not to ask people places too much so I don't annoy them or interfere with their schedule; but this girl likes the things I organise, and even organised an impromptu meet-up for the two of us earlier this week so we could hang out. Remove the crush bullshit from the equation: here is someone who likes spending time with me, so why not capitalise on that rather than being a fuckwit and potentially destroying all that over some half-assed hunch?  I don't get out much as it is, and from what I understand, she doesn't really get out much either. So fuck it: let's kill two birds with one stone!

Gives me a chance to play multiplayer games more often too :D