Teetotalism: *hic*

Yesterday, I watched a video about conformity:

Two of the most important lines for me are towards the end, where TheraminTrees (the creator) says:

"Thinking is the first step; doing is the next ... awareness is important, but behaviour is just as crucial."

That pretty much sums up a lot of what's written on this blog: all talk, no action. This is why I want to use the next uni semester, as arbitrary a point in time as it may be, to start putting these plans into action. Performing comedy at uni would be the best start in my opinion. I've been writing and performing it for two-and-a-half years, and I recently came close-second to a 33-year-old Irishman in a comedy competition with nine entrants, so I can flaunt that shit. It's not like I have competition at uni, either—no one else performs, so what do I really have to lose? Being able to write and perform comedy is the one ability of mine I have confidence in, so I can start there and use my skill to give my life a better sense of achievement. That, in turn, will give me a more positive perspective overall, making it easier to advance my life in other areas via avoiding potential depressive episodes, littered with all their evil, negative assumptions.

But the thing I really wanna do this year is be more social. I want to hang out with more than one group of people. I have great friends, but I only have a few of 'em, and I don't want to constantly leech off of them—I must branch out, at least a little. While I do get jealous seeing how other people have way better social lives than I do, that's not the driving force behind my desire to meet people. I wanna get out more, go more places, maybe meet a girl I can be with, and none of that is going to happen if I stay as socially confined as I am now. My friends aren't socialites; I don't meet new people through them. They can't act as an avenue for expansion, so I have to drive elsewhere to find that. I would never wanna ditch them, cos they are my friends and it's awesome to hang with them and talk to them, but even they'd agree that I need more people to be around.

But if I want all that, why don't I meet people when there are opportunities to do so?

This is where the awareness/behaviour clash occurs: while I want to meet people in theory, that desire quickly vanishes in practice. For example, I mentioned in a previous entry how I went to someone's eighteenth birthday dinner a while back. Were there people in my age group there? You bet. Did I talk to 'em? Course not. And the reasons behind that? Rooted primarily in fear and judgement.

First off, I'm inherently frightened of introducing myself to people I don't know—it's an unjustified fear, but it's there. I just cannot understand how Person X walks up to Group A and just joins in. I don't get it. I'm failing to see how that isn't interrupting someone for your own narrow purposes. If people are in a group talking about something, what right do I have to just waltz in and make my arrival known, or sneak in without them noticing and pipe up later down the track? I seriously have no understanding of how the fuck people do that. I am lost on this concept in its entirety. I know there are other ways to meet new people in social situations, like having someone who's in the group take you to the group to make the introduction for you, or those times when everyone's a stranger and someone just has to break the tension to get conversation flowing. But this was a very established social group, and I was a complete and total stranger. In these kinds of situations, I see no appropriate way to get myself involved. Are people going to react negatively if I was to introduce myself out of the blue? Probably not, but remember: this is an emotional fear, not a rational fear. I can only explain how it works; I can't justify it. I might be able to make that distinction here at my computer, but if I can't see such an introduction going well when I'm in the company of strangers, it's not going to happen.

But this fear is partially rooted in the other problem: my judgement, not only of others' character, but how they'll judge my own. There are three main areas I feel awkward in: diet, drinking, and social experience (memories, outings, relationships, sex, etc). I'm rather nonconformist in all three areas, whether it be through a firm decision in my own mind (eg. I don't drink cos I don't want to drink) or the unintended result of other decisions I've made (eg. I'm scared of talking to people, so I don't talk to people, and I have less friends and social experiences because of that).

My diet is obviously pretty different from the norm, and there's no rationalisation for it other than "I eat what I feel like". Even I think that's dumb, so I assume other people will also think it's dumb :P  The aforementioned birthday party being a dinner, my eating habits would probably have come to light within minutes were I asked what I'd eaten (ie. nothing).  It just seems to be that other people will assume I eat like everyone else until they're told otherwise, and when they are told otherwise, they're just gonna be think I'm from another planet, too weird or immature to be worth speaking to.

While I'd certainly like to eat better, this problem faces the same awareness/behaviour clash this entire situation does; and even if I were to change my diet, it wouldn't happen overnight. I need to know how to deal with this abnormality in the meantime, if not forever :P  And my existing friends don't give much of a fuck about what I eat (save for the odd, if deserved, spot of comic ridicule), so who says these people will? I know many people are judgemental and will seek to highlight differences between themselves and others, this done to make themselves look or feel superior—but to assume these people do that is for me to do the very same :P  As weird as my eating habits are, they're pretty hardwired, and I have no intention of conforming in this area, so I must simply deal with it and go "Yeah, I don't eat like everyone else". Maybe they'll judge me on that; maybe they won't.

I even remember one time at a friends eighteenth-birthday movie night how I mentioned I wasn't eating dinner, and someone thought that was a little weird, then the girl next to her said "It takes all kinds to make a world." That was so sweet :)

Skipping ahead a little, I'm also a social nightmare, not just cos I'm afraid now, but cos I've always been afraid of these things, my fear leading to a limited social past. I hear people talking about concerts they've gone to, parties they've attended, trips they've gone on—all things I have literally no involvement in. I also hear people talking about pop culture, social trends—things I have no interest in, and, in fact, despise. I hate pop culture with a fucking passion, and I refuse to engage with it for reasons other than direct and brutal criticism. Again, going back to the birthday party, hearing these people talk was like hearing them speak a different language. I didn't know what the fuck they were on about; I simply couldn't relate. I can relate to my friends cos we have similar interests, so I know I'm not without topics I can engage in with others. But in this specific instance, such subject matter was nowhere to be found.

The fact I don't engage with people much can make me feel immature too. Sometimes, when I'm with people, I don't know how to react to what they've said, or I can't relate to what's been said. I think people will expect a level of social maturity from me that I don't have, simply due to my age, gender, and position as a uni student.

But... who said it's all about common ground? I have never been the same as other people; I've always been the outcast. I was the only computer nerd in my primary school, and I was the only stand-up comedian in my high school—why not use that to my advantage? In a comment on the entry about the birthday party, a friend suggested that I put myself forward as an "exotic, new, interesting person" rather than "that weird exchange student that no one knows", and I think that's a good idea for the future.

When I think about it, I realise that I can talk about things these people know nothing about, things these people probably haven't experienced. I've performed stand-up 10 times. I got up on assembly without permission to tell jokes, leading certain staff members (including my own principal) at my school to accuse me of things I never did. I've performed in several plays and a musical. I've gone about addressing crushes in the weirdest fucking ways imaginable: publicly admitting who they are in speeches for English class, waiting around school for six hours just to ask them out, publishing blog entries about how I wanted to fuck them, etc. There's at least potential for interest in some of that shit, surely :P  I may not conform to social norms, but that's my shtick, so I should make that a strength rather than a weakness. My stories aren't plentiful and won't last for long, but they'll help get my foot in the door and give me the opportunity to have more experiences.

And, of course, I'm a 19-year-old virgin who's had one girlfriend, but in that respect, I'm comfortable. Sure, I'd like to have a more active romantic/sexual past, cos there's not too much I can say about my sole relationship, but it's impossible to change that. It doesn't worry me, though, cos if I'm questioned as to why I don't have a girlfriend or why I haven't fucked yet, I'm ready to defend myself. There's currently no one I know of who I'd consider going out with, and I'm waiting until I'm in a relationship such that my first sexually intimate experience will be one of love rather than potential fear. The norm of our generation (to fuck the first person you can) is one I want no part in, so if anyone tries to push that onto me, it'll be pushed back with equal force. I will only date who I wanna date, and I will only fuck who I wanna fuck, not the first sack of girl-meat who walks by me. Motherfuckers wanna argue? Motherfuckers will be argued with. Shit, that's fun right there—arguing a point when my side is well grounded is always enjoyable, with friends or strangers.

To quote the video:

"The ideas, the books, the films, [and] the people who inspire me are the ones that celebrate diversity, individuality—authenticity. I've certainly never been encouraged by anyone who's encouraged conformity to the group."

Moving on, though.

The final point of contention is that of alcohol consumption. I don't drink while most people my age do drink, and I see that as a problem. It's not a problem with my current friends, cos we don't have social outings where alcohol is even remotely involved. Some of us drink, some of us don't; it ultimately doesn't matter. But in the broader social picture, it's a very different story.

The reasoning behind my teetotalism is two-fold. Again, fear is present, in that I don't like trying new foods or drinks as it is, so I stay away from it. This relates to my diet in that not only am I scared of trying it because it's new to me, but I'm also scared of trying it because my diet will affect my body's ability to process the alcohol itself. There's almost nothing of me, so I don't think I'll handle the stuff as well as others will. I'm pretty sure I'll lose inhibition far quicker than those around me due to my low weight, perhaps even doing myself serious bodily harm in the process considering just how little I weigh. But let's say I began to eat properly and gained some weight: would I drink alcohol then? Probably not. I might try it—I could love it, depending on what beverages I tried—but I doubt I'd really get into it. Cos if there's one thing in this world that gets on my tits, it's drunk people :P

And this is where the second problem lies: my judgement towards people who are intoxicated. Returning to the birthday party once more, these people might not have been totally smashed, but they were drinking, and as they drank more, they behaved less :P  They were banging the tables, shouting for no apparent reason, being totally obnoxious—I hate that shit. As soon as I see people acting like that, I'm like "Wow, way to advance the species, you ass-hat. So bad at dealing with a basic social scenario that you have to get wasted in order to function—aren't you a testament to the human condition >.<"  I don't believe this to be a totally irrational judgement, cos these people have been demonstrably obnoxious in the past; personal experience has at least played a part in the formation of this opinion.

But can I still get along with people who drink? Course I can, cos I already do—some of my friends drink. For a start, it's not like everyone who drinks is (or will ending up being) drunk. Even people my age can enjoy drinks without getting pissed, so if I could just find such people, that would be a good start. What about environments like bars & clubs, where the availability of alcohol is one of the main reasons people go there in the first place? I dunno. I haven't really been to one with people my age, so I'm in no real position to make evaluations there. Would engaging with drunk people at a bar/club be as irritating as I'm imagining it to be? I guess it depends on how drunk they are, how alcohol affects their particular body and mindset, etc. Would people judge me on the fact that I don't drink? Would they assume me to be boring or uptight, perhaps even thinking I'm against the consumption of alcohol altogether? Again, depends on the individual. Anyone who judges me like that, drinker or not, ain't really worth hanging around.

And I don't know what I'd do if I saw a girl somewhere that I liked the look of and wanted to talk to, but knew she was tipsy. My scaredy-cat brain is bound to go ":O She's drunk. Don't engage with that wench; she is not worth your time", or "Isn't it a little unethical to take advantage of a drunken girl like that? Tsk tsk"—when in reality, I just wanna talk to her. I almost certainly wouldn't be attracted to a girl who was off her face, but it's totally possible that I could have my eyes on a chick who was at that sweet spot between sober and wasted, where all the lines of morality just melt together. How drunk does someone have to be before you're taking advantage of them? Would a drinker date or fuck a non-drinker? Does that even happen?

Too many fucking questions, man—at least too many that can't be answered without experience :P

It's strange that writing things like this actually makes me want to go out and meet people, but when I get there, I just crawl back into my shell and don't do any of the things I've said I want to do. The comedy thing is a real sweet opportunity, but I gotta make my move ASAP or I could miss the advantage of having done well in a recent comedy competition :P  Maybe I should write a short blog entry before I go to social things as a way to improve my mindset and make potential gains clear before I go :)