I've been anxious on-and-off for the past week over meeting the group I had the sleepover with. I want to see them again so badly, but I don't wanna try and organise something right away in case I come off as needy or something. But one cool thing that happened at the sleepover is that I discovered one way I can have lots of fun: I can play video games with friends all night long. I don't think I've ever really stayed up with friends to play Super Smash Bros. before, but when I was there last Saturday, mashing away at those buttons, time flew by. I was happy, I was making jokes, I was winning some rounds, losing other rounds, but it didn't matter--I was fucking happy. I was with people who were like me, people who liked to do the same things I like to do, and that made me experience a whole new level of social comfort.
But my regular group of friends isn't like that, really. I mean, sure, they like video games--I've invited them over to play games plenty of times, and they seem to enjoy it--but would any of them stay up to play/watch games all evening? One or two, maybe, but the others probably wouldn't, or at least wouldn't enjoy it as much as this other group did. I'm not trying to say I think less of my friends for this, cos I don't, but I've never had an experience like this before, and I wanna have it again.
And one of my other friends is, like, way off in terms of how she socialises. She's not a gamer, not really. She plays games (I recall her once telling me she beat one of the CoD games on Veteran, which is pretty cool), but she's not into it like I'm into it, no way. She's more into clubbing and stuff like that. And whenever I read about her going out, drinking, dancing, kissing guys, it makes me uncomfortable. It's not like I disagree with what she's doing--she can do whatever the fuck she wants--but part of me wants to like what she does, even though it's not really my kind of environment.
I've never really gone to a club before, and my desire to go has fluctuated. When I first turned 18, I had absolutely no interest in bars or clubs. I was even invited out twice during my first uni semester and I declined; not only would I have been unable to go due to a lack of ID, but I still didn't want to go. When I decided last year that I was gonna be more social and try more things, I became curious about what it'd be like to go to a club, and the idea of getting to mingle with chicks, and maybe kiss/go home with one, was appealing. Slowly but surely, I began to want to go. I was even annoyed when I couldn't go on my friend's 20th birthday (still no ID). I was irritated. I wanted to go out, but I couldn't. So I stayed curious, wondering what it'd be like to go inside, to be surrounded by people, to hear that music, for it to be OK (in theory) to approach girls and dance with them.
But when I went to that sleepover, I didn't think about any of that. I was just there, in the moment, having a shitload of fun--the same kind of "I don't want this to ever end" fun that my friend describes when she's clubbing. It made me rethink my position: maybe I don't want to go out like my friend does. It's not like I've felt as though I've been forcing myself to want to go out; the desire was legitimate. I just dunno if I want it anymore.
I think it makes me uncomfortable to read about my friend going out not because I'm not into the clubbing scene, but because the clubbing scene is an avenue to other things I would like, which, in this case, is meeting girls. I know full well I could never really meet a girl to be in a long-term relationship with at a club, and that's what I'd prefer in the long run, but I think it'd be so cool to meet a girl at a club and (somehow :P) successfully flirt with her. I like the idea of losing myself in such a situation, taking the girl home, the two of us kissing and groping and fucking each other, totally giving into temptation and having a wild night together. The idea of flirting with a girl at a club? Scares me shitless. The idea of getting to make out and have sex with a girl? Too much fun to even possibly dismiss. I guess I get envious of my friend putting her self in the position where that can happen to her and not me. But where else can that happen? Not at a sleepover full of nerdy introverts, I can tell ya that much :P
But it doesn't matter that it can't happen there, cos even better things can happen. Like, let's say I went to some other sleepover with some other group of people, and there was a chick there I clicked with. What if we were watching a movie, and we were on the couch, and we were under a blanket together, and we started playing with each other's feet and holding hands under the covers. Then we shuffled closer together and started rubbing each others' arms and legs, just gently touching each other. Then maybe we slide our hands under the other's clothing to touch what we couldn't touch before. Maybe we even play with each other's thingies, get each other off in secret. See that? Same fucking outcome. Maybe not quite as open and wild, and maybe not as likely to happen, either, but I still get to be intimate and sexual with a woman I've just met. It wouldn't have to happen exactly like that, but that's the kind of thing I mean: these social situations which bring me comfort can also provide opportunities to further my sex life, removing the 'need' to go to clubs. There are ways it can happen; I just need to find these methods (and the balls to actually explore them :P).
I might be comfortable at a club if I was with friends, but it would be because my friends were there, not because I was at a club. I also only really have one friend (maybe two) who even go to clubs, so I wouldn't be surrounded by friends so much as I'd have one link to the group which I'd be relying on for comfort. From what my clubbing-friend tells me, people usually go to clubs in groups, so this comfort can be somewhat relied upon; but if I want to meet girls through the experience, especially if I want to get up close and personal with them, I would have to distance myself from the group, flying solo to some extent.
I'm not totally ruling out the idea of going to a club; I'm just saying that it probably won't be a place I thrive in, and that this isn't an issue. It's not like I'd be going to drink, or to 'let loose' (whatever the fuck that is); the only reasons I'd be going to be to a) dance, and b) pick up. That's fucking it: the activity offers nothing else of any value to me whatsoever. And I can dance on my own in my room whenever I like, to music that I can tolerate, without being judged, all for free--so if the only thing I want out of clubbing is pussy, and I can find pussy via other means, clubbing is essentially a complete waste of my time and money.
What I have to accept on an emotional level is that this is perfectly OK! I understand on a logical level that I can have differing interests to my peers and my age bracket. But emotionally, I get annoyed when I don't conform cos it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong, even though I'm not. That's what irritates me: the fact that I'm not comfortable in my own skin just cos I like different activities. Thankfully, when I'm around people I'm comfortable with (like this new group), that all goes away, and I can thrive as myself without being overly self-conscious. I hope I can find more people who I can be like this around, and more activities to do with said people, because that will allow me to discover what makes me comfortable and seek out my own comfort independently.
I must also explore this idea of sexy nerd parties where we play games and watch movies while letting hormones run wild. That sounds hot as fuck. I gotta get that shit organised ASAP :P
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