Goddamnit

This whole thing with the girl I asked out at the sleepover is still messing with me, or at least it started messing with me again tonight. With uni having started again, Violet hasn't been at the front of my mind, not often. I was correct in presuming that uni would distract me from thinking about her. But she's still up there. Even if she's in the back of my mind, she's still in my mind. It's starting to make me feel foolish and obsessive, even though I'm not really thinking about her anywhere near as often as I did after I got home from the sleepover.

The problem is that this whole situation is so ambivalent and unresolved. I sent Violet a friend request on Facebook, as I did with everyone else I met at the sleepover. Violet is one of only two out of six who haven't responded yet. At first, I was going back to her page every six hours or so to check if she'd seen the request, having learned that if she clicked Ignore, I'd only know if I went back to her page and saw "Add Friend" rather than "Friend Request Sent". Over time, it faded from memory, and eventually, I was only going back to her page every few days. Every time I went back, it still said "Friend Request Sent", and even though I could only see changes in her profile picture and her cover photo, there was no activity even there, so I believed she was just not on Facebook very often, hence not seeing the request. When I went back today, she'd changed her cover photo, meaning she's definitely logged on once since I sent the request. But it still says "Friend Request Sent", meaning that she either hasn't seen the request (even though she'd surely get an alert for it), or she has seen it and just didn't click anything.

While I know it'd hurt to have the request officially ignored, given the implications, it's hurting more to not even know if she's even seen it, or if she even cares. That's fucking with me. I don't like this, not at all. I want clarity and I'm getting none whatsoever. There are a million reasons she may not have accepted the request -- she may not have remembered who I am; she may not have recognised my profile picture/cover photo; she may have not seen the host of the sleepover as a mutual friend -- but I'm always inclined to assume the worst when it comes to these things.

I can understand the whole "you should just move on" thing, but that doesn't work unless you have something (or, in this case, someone) else to move onto. I've been attending uni for two years, and though it is true that I've been pretty socially isolated, I haven't even seen or heard of a girl like this at uni. And even if I do stand-up, the chances of me meeting a girl like this at the UniBar? Practically zero. Though it's true I could meet a girl at the UniBar (or anywhere else at uni) who could blow Violet out of the water in terms of attractiveness and potential compatibility, I haven't met such a girl yet, and until I do, Violet will not be leaving my mind. I know myself too well to deny this.

I don't even know how to describe my feelings for this girl with any word other than 'curiosity'. Though it's true I do like the thought of us being together as a couple, I believe this is because I just like to think of being with somebody, with Violet currently being that somebody. I like the idea of dating and having a girlfriend in general, so the thoughts I'm having now aren't too different than the ones I'd normally have, other than the fact that there's a specific person in the picture now. When it comes to thinking of Violet, what makes me happy more than anything is thinking about us getting to know each other. The thought of the two of us sitting down and just talking to each other. If I'm desperate for anything, it's an opportunity to get to get that knowledge, and for her to get the same knowledge about me. It's not like I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about her, not anymore; all that comes into my head is "Goddamnit, who are you? What do you do? What do you like?" The idea of getting to be all cutesy and cuddly with her is nice, but the idea of getting to learn about her is ten times more enticing.

I cannot get over the potential I'm seeing here, no matter how much of a façade it could be. Just like the others in the group, Violet and I have so many things in common with one another that I can see us having lots of fun hanging out together. I can see us playing games together, talking about games together, joking around with each other, watching movies and YouTube videos together. To think of giving up on all that seems like squandered potential. But there's no way for me to tell her all this without coming across as weird, obsessive, desperate, and everything else I never want to come across as to this girl.

I've sent a message to my friend who hosted the sleepover about meeting the group again. This isn't just so I can see Violet again -- the group is great to hang with and I'd be thrilled to see them again -- but if Violet happens to come along, I've gotta be calm and not do anything silly. As I've said before, I just wanna treat her like I do everyone else in the group, and get contact details off her if the opportunity presents itself. I can't ask for anymore than that, neither from Violet nor myself.

sigh