Today, I met up with a group of people I first had the pleasure of meeting two months ago at a friend's sleepover. I organised the outing, wanting to see the group again cos they were cool to hang with. We went for lunch and then to the arcade for a few hours, playing skeeball, lightgun games, bumper cars, and laser tag. Just focusing on the activities, it was a pretty fun day. I brought a friend to meet the group, and they seemed to get along, so that was good.
At the same time, though, it was very tense and upsetting. There's a girl in the group, Violet, who I had feelings for at the sleepover. I asked her out, and though she said she just got out of a relationship, I still kinda liked her after that. I knew what she said was probably a copout, but refused to entirely drop the idea that she was being honest with me, that it was only because she just got out of a relationship that she wasn't prepared to go out with me.
Though I mainly set the event up cos I missed the group as a whole and wanted to see them again, I knew Violet would probably tag along, and I wanted to see her again too. I wouldn't have been too disappointed if she didn't show—I still would have gotten to hang with everyone else—but I knew that if she did show, I might still have a shot. It would be a slim chance, and my feelings for her were nowhere near as strong as they were at the sleepover (rejection does that to you), but I knew that I was interested in who she was and wanted to know more about her. If she was now willing to go on a date with me, I wanted to make sure it happened; if not, no biggie, we can just be friends. I wasn't even willing to ask her out again unless it was clear she might have actually changed her mind. But I was willing to take a shot if the conditions were just right.
When we first got to the meet-up spot, most of the people weren't there; in fact, only one other person was. Most of the people showed up late. Violet was the second-last person to arrive. When she got there, she hugged her friends, waved to my friend, and ignored me. I thought that was odd, but I knew I could greet her whenever I wanted (I also wanted to introduce my friend to her like I had to everyone else). When Violet was in the line at the arcade getting her credit, I smiled and waved to her; she waved and looked away rather quickly. It became clear at this point that she wasn't comfortable communicating with me, so it started to confirm the rejection.
The rest of the day wasn't much better. Though I was openly talking and joking with everyone before Violet showed up, it was much harder to do that when she was there. I tried to hide my discomfort and join in, but it was very difficult. As I said, the activities were fun, but the activities were the only parts where I was distracted from the fact that Violet was there. We didn't exchange a single word throughout the meet-up, and we were at that arcade for over three hours. I felt horrible.
It wasn't the rejection, either. Yes, rejection hurts, but the majority of rejection pain came directly after I asked her out. It was a tough week, but I got through it. The reason I was upset is because I was making Violet upset without even trying. I wasn't hitting on her, I wasn't following her, I wasn't talking to her; I was just tagging along with the group. But the mere fact I was there seemed to be making Violet uncomfortable. I could tell by the look on her face, and by her reactions to things people did and said. Violet would openly talk to the others, but wouldn't say a word to me, or even look in my direction. She'd joke with the others and laugh at the others' jokes, but she wouldn't respond to anything I said or did at all.
I felt terrible. I wanted from the get-go, from the moment I started crushing on her, to make Violet happy and comfortable. I even wrote it in my fucking phone:
I dunno if we have enough in common to date, but I wanna take her out for coffee and learn everything about her. I wanna make her happy.And even as a friend (a potential friend, at least), I want the very same, as I do with all my friends. I hate making my friends unhappy or uncomfortable; the very fact that I believed I made Violet uncomfortable at the sleepover itself brought me to tears while I was there, even if no one else was there to see it. And instead of making her happy and comfortable, I'm making Violet unhappy and uncomfortable, just by sharing the room with her. It's the exact opposite of the only thing I wanted to do for her.
I don't really have feelings for her anymore; I feel kind of empty right now as far as that goes. I know some other girl will eventually come along and take her place, even if it takes another year or two (which it very well may at this rate). But I still want Violet to be happy. I want it so much. I miss seeing her laugh and smile. I miss the comfort we had as a group before I asked her out. I want it back. But I can't get any of this across to her—I have no way of telling her, and it would be strange to tell someone these things anyway.
The group is meeting up again in late May for another sleepover. I'm now concerned that, with Violet also there, our combined presence will make the both of us uncomfortable once again, but this time for an entire weekend. I fucking refuse to let that happen. Either Violet becomes comfortable with my presence (because if she's comfortable with me, I'll be comfortable with her), or I don't go. I enjoy the group's company a great deal, and I believe they appreciate me too, which is fantastic. But it's not worth the risk of irritating Violet to hang out with them for my own sake. Violet is closer to them than I am; if it's a choice between the two of us, Violet wins, no question. They'll have more fun with her and without me than they will with me and without her, so if push comes to shove, I've gotta bite the bullet and miss out. I don't want to miss out—provided everything's cool between Violet and I, it'll probably be even more fun than it was last time—but if I have to miss out for Violet's sake, and for the group's sake, so be it.
I'm hoping to talk to one of the people in the group (the mother hen, if you will) to see if I can a) get this off my chest, and b) maybe get her to tell Violet I'm no longer interested and that I don't want shit to be awkward between us.
EDIT: After talking to the person I just mentioned, she basically said it was less discomfort and more a 'boundaries thing', combined with the fact that Violet isn't too outgoing in public places. I'm not sure how much I agree with that (it doesn't really explain why she didn't talk to me at all, including when we were away from crowds, or why she didn't even greet me when she showed up), but maybe she's right. I mean, she's closer to Violet than I am, so she'd know her better than I do. I know I'm feeling more upset about this than I probably should, but I don't know what exactly to make of this.
It was said that it'd get better over time, which is true. I just hope that when I go to the next sleepover, I won't be awkward around Violet, and vice-versa. That would be nice. I wish I could get to know her better, talk to her some more and learn who she is; but failing that, just being there with her and enjoying the weekend will be good enough for me.
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