I have been thinking about stuff, though—the usual stuff with dating and girls and sex and whatever else. I went to another sleepover with a friend of mine and his college buddies, and it was fun as shit, as I expected. Thing is, I also expected a girl who I had a crush on to be there (emphasis on 'had'), but she wasn't there. I didn't want her to be there so I could ask her out again or try to get into her pants, or any other stupid shit, but I did wanna talk to her and get to know her better. It's fucking weird, but I am still kinda curious as to who she is and what she does.
I've never felt that way about any other girl I've crushed on, at least not this strongly; I've never wanted to just have a 1-on-1 with them about who they are when I know they aren't interested in dating me. And I can't pursue it unless she's in my vicinity by chance, because if I send her messages over Facebook or something, it's gonna come off as nice guy behaviour, which it mustn't if this is gonna go anywhere. From what little I can gather, I'm fairly sure she's shy like me, meaning if we get to know each other a bit better, she'll come out of her shell and we can be comfortable around one another, unlike at the arcade where everything was fucking awkward. The group meet-ups are great regardless of her presence cos they're just fun people to be around, but I was so looking forward to fixing shit up with her and it didn't happen cos she wasn't there, even though I was sure she would be. Oh well.
The other thing that sucks with that is the fact I still haven't found someone else to be attracted to. It was so invigorating, seeing that girl and feeling so drawn. I haven't felt that way in ages. The girl I liked before that was in 2012, and that wasn't anywhere near as strong. That was just "oh, she looks nice :)". This time it was like "Jesus fucking Christ is she cute and smiley and cuddly and nerdy and fun! Must... learn... more!"
I asked her out two days after I met her! Two fucking days! Last girl I asked out took three months, the first took two years; this one took two days. Even though I got rejected, I learned very quickly that if the incentive is there when it comes to a woman, I will act, and I will act fast. If the magnetism is there, I'll fuckin' do it. It was 100% worth the risk, asking that girl out. I wish I could feel that way about some girl at uni, or just some other girl who I can actually interact with, cos I know I'll pull myself together and do something. It'll be nerve-wracking and scaryful, but it can be done lickety-split if that's what the situation calls for.
It's fucking weird how little interest I have in the women who go to my uni. The numbers are outta whack. I crushed on, like, at least 4 of the ~60 girls who went to my high school, and there were a few others who I liked the look of but didn't really think about too much. My friend's 8 college buddies show up for the first time, and I'm infatuated with one of them little more than five minutes after she gets there. How many women go to my uni? Thousands. Fucking thousands! All different kinds, too; there's no shortage of variety in terms of looks, personalities, interests, or hobbies. And how many have I been attracted to? One. One. And that was a half-assed crush compared to the last one. How am I so disinterested when I'm so up for having a girlfriend?
Surely the women at my uni can't just all suck—that makes no statistical sense. There have to be at least a few who I'd like if I met 'em! It's just finding them.
I don't even know how to describe someone I'd like. I only know it when I feel it. Before that sleepover, I looked at that girl's profile picture and was like "damn, she's probably the loud one. No interest here." Met her in real life and my eyes were like "that's what she looks like? That picture does NOT do her justice!" I think back to all the girls I've liked and find no consistency. I've liked blondes, brunettes, redheads; I've liked skinny girls, big girls, quiet girls, outgoing girls—the only thing common between them is intellect. It's like I just have to wait for one to show up and blow my fuckin' mind.
I guess a lot of what you like about a person is cos of the filter you have on when you like them, which accentuates all kinds of things. This post explains how I feel better than I ever could:
A man in love with a woman doesn't see her objectively. There is a filter there, or some kind of participatory illusion. He does not see who you see in the mirror. He is seeing someone beautiful and perfect and sublime, and it's one of the most powerful things in his life.Seriously, that filter is nothing short of magical, but it only seems to come along at random.
That filter also makes me wonder about my body. I don't think it'd be controversial to state that if I ate healthy (like really healthy), worked out, and dressed well, women would be far more likely to be interested in me, and I'd be more likely to find a date/get laid; that's just reality. But I've had women—multiple, in fact (two at last count)—interested in me, even though I didn't look like that. And I know one of them thought I was cute cos she straight-up told me. I often believe I'm at a disadvantage because I look so much younger than I am, and I'm smaller than most guys my age (so much less fat & muscle mass). But it wasn't a problem before... is it a problem now? I suppose it could be, given sex is now a bigger part of the overall picture, but I honestly don't know. Long story short, while I don't think I look that bad, I'm not walking around thinking I'm that attractive.
I've experienced the other side of the coin, though. I know people can be attracted to someone who doesn't feel good about their own body. When I dated my ex, we were walking home one time, and for whatever reason, she mentioned that she thought she was fat. I was like "...what? You aren't fat! At all!" I thought it was laughable that the most beautiful woman in the world thought she was fat, even more so when she held her position despite my open disagreement. I couldn't understand it! "How is she fat? Where's this fat she's talking about? There's fat on her, but that's all supposed to be there. The fact that it's there is hot. Where's this superfluous fat I'm supposed to be seeing?" But she didn't have the filter on that I did: she only had her own view to go off. Not that I now think she's fat or ugly seeing as the filter's gone, but I did think her opinion regarding her weight was objectively wrong cos my filter led me to disagree with it instantaneously. So maybe there could be a woman out there who'd be just as stunned when I critiqued my own body. I dunno.
I really do miss the thrill of the chase. Liking a girl just feels so good. And I now have confidence that I can act on feelings pretty quickly now. If I could meet more people, this shit might actually happen—it will at least be more likely to happen. The indefinite patience required is such a cunt :P I can wait for stuff when what I'm waiting for arrives on a set date: that's easy. Waiting indefinitely is just frustrating. But that's life :(
It's like the problem isn't so much that no one seems to be attracted to me, as much as it's that I'm not attracted to anyone else.
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