I feel kinda good about having not only done the things I planned to do (assembling the furniture, upgrading the desktop, driving lessons), but also dealing with the unexpected stuff (laptop and social thingies). Just the fact I've had stuff to actually do this holidays has been good, really.
The social occasions were kind of backwards in how they turned out, though. The one I thought would be OK was really awesome, and the one I thought would be really awesome turned out to only be OK. There's been a trend recently for me to expect social events to go a certain way, and for me to anticipate as much as I can in order for those expectations to be met, only to have something come out of left field and totally ruin my plans.
For instance, I went to a sleepover with some friends just under two months ago. There's a chick in the group I asked out when I first met her, and the next time we met up, things were awkward. I genuinely want be her friend, and I really didn't want things to be awkward, so I said "right, hopefully I can just smooth things out and get to know her a bit better at this thing". Then what happens? She doesn't fuckin' show up cos she's at a convention. I was so annoyed on the Friday night when I went to bed that I couldn't even fuckin' sleep (that and I had an exam on the Saturday, which didn't help). I wanted to get that thing fixed. I wanted to get to know that girl. But now I have to keep waiting. When I learned it was cos she went to a convention, I thought "well, there's fuck all you could've done about that; you were fucked from the get-go", so I felt a lot better. But still, I hope the next time the group meets up, I can get to know that girl a bit better. I still think she's interesting :)
It's happened twice more in the past three weeks. A few weeks back, my ex invited me to her 21st. Initially, I was confused; but when I saw she invited the rest of the group I used to hang with at high school, I figured she simply invited everyone who was in the group regardless of how close she was to them or how often she encountered them. I was also, however, quite pleased. I saw her at a trivia night I went to a few months ago, and though I was nervous about how awkward things were going to be, it was actually super-comfortable (just another example of things totally not going the way I expected :P). I could relax and be myself around her, and I could make her laugh. No animosity, no weird vibes, just fun :) And after I went home, I thought "man, given how well that went, it kinda sucks we can't see each other more often at group social things". After I remembered the trivia night, I looked at the invite and went "well, is this not exactly what you wanted? Isn't this what you asked for?" Indeed, it was! So I decided to go.
I didn't expect things to go hunky dory, though. There were one or two people going who I find it difficult to be comfortable around. This isn't cos they're assholes--they aren't assholes to begin with. But when I'm at social events, I tend to succeed by joking around and making people laugh, and these two people make that a lot harder because they're better at it than I am. I don't think I can top them, so I keep quiet and don't chime in at all. There's obviously no rule saying there can only be one funny person in a conversation, but when I feel consistently outranked, I just don't contribute. It's just the way it is. I don't blame them; it's my own self-confidence at fault.
But luckily, for me at least, those two weren't there. So the only obstacles to overcome were a) the fact I was gonna be around my ex, and b) the fact there'd be strangers everywhere. Thankfully, my best friend and another friend from high school were there, so I could meet my ex's other friends without too much trouble (they didn't even seem to know I was her ex, thank fuck :P). And holy shit, once introductions were out of the way, I was on fire! I was part of the conversation the entire time. I only retreated into my own headspace two or three times during the four hours; those moments aside, I was on the ball. My best friend left, which made things a little more tricky, but didn't stop me from conversing, not by a long shot. I felt good about myself and confident about my contributions, particularly given the fact that my ex's other friends outnumbered her high school friends. It was insane how regular the laughs were--I know it's easy to get my ex to laugh, but the others were laughing pretty hard too, which was awesome. It was nice to meet her other friends and get along with them, even if I would probably never see them again.
When I said I was leaving, one of them even went "aww :("--not in a sarcastic way, in a genuine "aww man, you're going?" kind of way. She didn't say that to my other two friends when they left; she only said it to me. I don't know how much to make of that, but it's definitely a sign that I was successful that night. My presence was meaningful and appreciated to the point where my departure was unwanted. So ultimately, even though I thought the party would be a bit awkward, it was really fun, and a mark of progress given I actually got along with the strangers this time, rather than being alienated by them, like that 21st I went to in February.
Unfortunately, the other event was the opposite. There was a 24-hour gaming convention at my uni last weekend, and boy oh boy was I looking forward to it. I have many fond memories from last year, including playing Super Smash Bros. for 4 or 5 hours straight in the early hours of the morning, and a game of Mario Party 3 wherein the winner was decided by a dice roll. Most importantly, I played games with people I'd never met before. And though I didn't forge any friendships, I still at least interacted with strangers and got along with them. I didn't even have to ask them to play with me; they asked if they could play with me. Keep that in mind as I continue.
This picture basically sums up people's reaction to the stuff I brought:
"He brought this! I don't even remember the last time I saw this!" I was the only one who brought an N64, so I had something unique to offer. This will come into play later.
So, this year, I figured I'd go all in and take a lot more hardware. Here's a picture of everything I took:
I took my TV, Wii U, my PS3, my Gamecube, my N64, over 40 games. I took a total of 18 controllers, as well as 2 adaptors so I could use 2 Gamecube controllers with the Wii U as well. I went so far as to buy an extra Wii Remote and two Classic Controllers, as well as borrowing a PS3 controller from a friend, just so I'd have 4 controllers for every console, to make sure as many people could play each machine as possible. I also brought a PC and a DVD recorder to record gameplay, with my phone acting as a microphone to record players talking while they played (I recorded footage at last year's Gamefest, but it was kinda boring without the commentary).
There was so much stuff that I had to put together an inventory just to keep track of everything. But I was willing to take it all. I figured there'd almost certainly be something there people wanted, given the sheer amount of games (and I didn't take every game I had, only the ones that would be good to play with other people).
So I got there and set everything up. A few people saw the games I had and checked 'em out. The N64 cartridges were, again, surprising to people, and a couple of people went through them. I was happy: interest was certainly there, so it wouldn't be too long before people sat down to play with us, right?
Right?
It wasn't really the case, at least not yet. What other people brought seemed a lot more interesting. Someone brought Guitar Hero; another person brought Project M (a modified version of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, quite popular among competitive players); there was even another Nintendo 64 there this time, though the person only seemed to have Super Smash Bros. and nothing else. People seemed very happy on their own machines with their own friends, and though they did leave their own stations, they didn't come to ours.
At first, this didn't really matter to me: it's not like that stuff isn't worth playing, so I figured those things would be popular. I just continued playing games with the friend I was there with, figuring I'd play with other people later on during the evening--it wasn't till midnight that others sat down with us last year, so I figured it'd be the same this year.
I did play with other people in a Mario Kart Wii tournament, which I ended up winning. I didn't see that coming, so I was really pleased. It was tense as fuck--I wish I could've recorded it, but it was played on the one of the uni Wii's, so I couldn't have anyway. One of the guys I played with said "who's up for some Super Smash Bros.?" to which I responded "yeah, sure!" right before walking back to my own consoles, figuring he'd follow me, seeing as I had every version of Smash Bros. at my station, as well as enough controllers for everyone. He actually meant playing it on another of the uni Wii's, so I felt a bit silly about that, but passed it off as a mental slip.
The evening went on, and still no one was playing with us. Everyone seemed thoroughly entranced with everything else going on, so no one considered the idea of playing on my machines at all. I couldn't even record any footage with my friend, because Guitar Hero was right next to us, and they brought an external speaker which was cranked real loud, so we couldn't record any commentary (we could hardly hear ourselves talk). At this point, I quickly became irritated, and eventually saddened: it seemed as though all this effort had been in vain. It got to the point where I felt so sad that I tried to sleep, which was impossible given all the hubbub in the room.
As I slept, it dawned on me what was wrong. To clarify, this isn't me feeling sad that no one liked the items I brought, believing that seeing as I clearly have so many consoles and so many games and so many controllers, I am clearly entitled to the attention of my fellow convention-goers. In fact, the point is quite the opposite.
The reason no one wanted to play with us is because we weren't playing with them. That and the fact that we didn't know anyone else who was there, so we had no social ties to begin with.
Since we got there, my friend and I played alone, just the two of us. We didn't leave our station, apart from me going to play in the Mario Kart Wii tourney and the Guitar Hero tourney. We didn't go play Project M, or Super Smash Bros. Melee, or any of the fighting games, or Mario Kart 8 (on the uni's Wii U rather than my own). I just stayed at my own station and expected people to flock to me. I was lucky last year: people caught onto what I had per chance. This time, there was too much going on, and the fact that I didn't even mingle with people meant I was drowned out. It's not like these people were anti-social dickwads who resented me for some reason--that was half the problem! They were all getting along and having fun together, and I was lying there nearly in tears cos I couldn't bring myself to play with them.
Looking back, you might ask "well why didn't you play with them?" Well, when I was in a good mood, I was waiting for them to come to me. And when I finally figured it would've been best for me to go to them, I felt so awful that I couldn't do it. It seems really simple looking back to simply have gotten up and gone to another station, if only to stand there and watch, because at least then I'd at least have had my presence acknowledged. Like when that guy said "who's up for some Super Smash Bros.?" and I went back to my own station rather than where he went: as soon as I realised that, I should've just said to my friend "hey, I'm gonna go play with that guy, wanna come with?" Even if he wasn't there anymore, there would've been people there, for sure.
That's what really disappointed me: the fact that it could've been fixed so easily, but my mood prevented me from implementing the fix. Even if I didn't get to record the gameplay (and I did end up coming home with no footage of anyone else playing with us, cos no one else ever played with us), I would at least have gotten to play with other people, which was what made last year so much fun. There's not much I enjoy more than local multiplayer. I get to play those kinds of games so rarely, so when I do get to play, it's always fun, no matter the game or the people I'm with. And not only did I fuck up by being passive rather than active, but I have to wait an entire fucking year to get to do this again! I spent months anticipating (and preparing for) this convention, but didn't get as much out of it as I could cos I was shy, as well as upset. The part before I was upset was really fun--I certainly have some great memories of games I played with my friend--but once I was upset, I never returned to that level of enjoyment. And I have no one to blame but myself.
I think I should join the group who organised the whole thing. I'd like to help organise something like that; I think it'd be really fun. Also, that way, I could cement my plans and organise things officially such that my efforts won't go to waste. I'd really like to set up a Pokemon Stadium tournament and/or a team-based Mario Kart: Double Dash tournament, cos I'm 99% sure no one else is gonna set those up (no one did the last 2 times). That way, I can bring my consoles and know they're going to be used. I can bring recording equipment and know I'm going to have something to record. And I can go myself knowing I'll mingle and meet people cos I'll be setting shit up for them to play. Just like most shitty things that happen in my life, this is a learning experience: if next year goes well because I learned this year how not to think and behave, it'll all have been worth it.
Even my classes are being weird like this. I had a tutorial yesterday which I thought would be really awkward cos it's one of those tutes where you have to talk to get participation marks. I didn't like the idea of having to talk in class: I didn't think my opinions would be worth sharing, and I hate being wrong in public. Cos it was the first tute, we had the good ol' 'tell the person sitting next to you something interesting about yourself' dealie. I'm like "oooohhhh nnnoooooo, not tthhhiiisssss". But there were an even number of people in the class, so I couldn't get out of this :P I turned to the guy next to me, he tells me his name, and I say "nice to meet you", shaking his hand. I seriously have no clue what it was, but as soon as I shook the guy's hand and said "nice to meet you", a lot of the awkwardness was gone. I went into that 'comedy mood' thing I was in at my ex's 21st (though not to the same degree cos, you know... tutorial, not 21st party :P), and joked around with the guy a bit while we asked each other the usual questions.
This has also led to a second development which has me in a difficult position that I honestly need to be in, given what I wanna do with myself at uni. The tutor asked everyone to tell the class what they learned about the person next to them, and seeing as I mentioned to him I was a stand-up comic (no other answer I can give to someone asking for an interesting aspect of my life, really :P), he mentioned it to the class. The tutor asked if I had gigs coming up, and when I said 'no', he mentioned off-hand that if I did get any, I should let the class know. Now I dunno how seriously he meant that, but there's now pressure for me to actually get that gig, preferably at uni itself. This isn't so if the question comes up again, I can say "oh yeah, I'm doing gigs at [wherever]"; it's so I can live up to the title of stand-up comedian. That's what I fucking described myself as--but how can I be a stand-up comedian who isn't performing any stand-up comedy? The title 'stand-up comedian' implies that you actually do it :P So now I gotta go actually do it.
And believe me, I wanna actually do it. It's just finding the right people to ask which is hard. But if I can do that, and join the video game group-people-thing, I think I'll finally start to solve a lot of social and self-esteem issues in my life, however slowly :)
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