Oh hey it's that thing I always talk about

You know, that thing we're I'm like "let's write down all the things I don't like about myself" and it turns into 10 pages of self-critique and cynicism? :P

Anyway, I had my 21st party a week ago. And though I was insistent early on that my mum not go to all this trouble for all these people, I'm glad she did. It was super fun :D  All my friends were there, all the family friends were there, and there wasn't a single moment where things went wrong (apart from when the heater ran out of gas... sorry everyone >.>).

But more importantly, it cleared something up in my head. For a very long time, I've genuinely wondered if my friends care about me. I don't mean I wonder if they like me, or if they think I'm a good person, or if they don't hate me -- I more mean if I'm in their thoughts, if they remember stuff about me, etc. It seems rude and cruel to think those thoughts, but when I reflect on how often I interact with my friends (which isn't very), I begin to wonder if I've really earned a place in their minds. "Do I talk to them enough? Do I host enough meet-ups? Am I annoying, particularly when I make jokes all the time?" I bascially begin to doubt that what I do for them is really worth anything.

But my birthday cleared that up very very fast. They do care, and they care a lot. The cards basically proved that outright--not cos of the money or the gifts that came with them (though I certainly appreciate them), but cos of the cards themselves. Every card I got from a friend either a) was handmade, or b) had something unique written inside. There were zero exceptions to that rule: not a single card was merely store-bought with no penmarks. Two people made their cards: one had this really cool multi-layered cardboard cover with 'Happy Birthday' written in haphazard fashion on the front; the other had a painting of Ratchet & Clank on the front. And all the others wrote a few sentences on the inside, with one friend basically covering the card in words, and another having to write on the back.

It may seem weird to highlight that fact, but it's very siginificant to me. It means that they didn't just buy/make/write in a card cos it was just anyone's birthday: they bought/made/wrote in those cards cos it was my birthday, a friend's birthday. They tailored the cards to me, their friend. The one who painted her card remembered I liked Ratchet & Clank; the one who made her card with the crazy cover put time and effort into it. The ones who wrote stuff on the inside took the time to think of what to say. They didn't have to, but they did. And it means a lot :)



I'm feeling a lot better about myself on the social front, due to both my 21st and some reflection into my past. A year ago, I made a few blog posts about how I discovered the seduction subreddit and went "OK, time to improve myself!" And though a lot of the higher-level stuff is all about how to be attractive to women, how to flirt, how to get laid, etc. (resulting in my unsubscription: cos that shit's useless to me right now :P), it has had at least some impact.

A year ago, I would see talking to strangers as a chore. If I had to do it at uni, or at any social occasion, it was difficult cos I simply didn't want to do it. They'd ask questions and I'd respond with quick, short answers, without any follow-up questions. And the conversations would often die cos I wasn't sustaining them. Because, of course, other people are annoying and need to leave me alone, right?

Buzzer noise

Now I find talking to strangers way easier than before. It's not the easiest thing in the world--I still get nervous and make mistakes--but I'm not nervous, at least not very. I can usually think of responses without much effort, I find it way easier to be funny (which helps cos at least 50% of the automated responses are jokes :P), and I'm far better at asking follow-up questions. I actually want to talk to people now, rather than thinking of it as a chore, and that simple change of mindset makes everything else possible. I still can't approach strangers (that still scares me shitless), but everything that comes after introductions is ten times easier than before.

And I've actually made new friends. I have zero friends at uni (I've given up on making them in class, it's fucking impossible at this point :P), but I would be lying to say I've made no friends this year. I really get along with all the people I met at that sleepover in February, and even if I don't see them very often, it's never dull or awkward when we meet up. The friend I met them through is having a sleepover in late September, so I'll get to see them again soon; and I'm gonna invite them to a sleepover at my place in late November, which I'm sure will be just as awesome. I feel a bit weird being that one guy in the group who's not from their college--I can feel like a bit of a third wheel at times--but it doesn't stop me from getting on with them, not by a long shot.

I even somehow managed to befriend my ex again. I've seen her a few times this year, even inviting her to my 21st, and it's never been awkward, not once. I can make her laugh (always important for me :P) and we can talk to each other without any problems. Again, it seems like nothing, but I'm glad we're both mature enough to put the past behind us and enjoy each other's company like we do with all our other friends. It's just a really positive thing :)



Where I fall down is the romantic/sexual stuff. It's always there and frequently messes with my head. On a short-term level, even reading about other people's experiences makes me envious. It's like "you have people interested in you? How? How do you do that? Where can I find someone who'd be interested in me?" Or "you've had sex? Man, I wish I knew what that experience was like." Just the usual "goddamn it I'm behind everyone and need to catch up" shit.

I can usually counter that with hope. I like thinking about being in a relationship: it makes me happy. I like thinking about hooking up: it makes me excited. The idea that someday, eventually, some girl is gonna see me and get that giddy feeling in their stomach, or see me and think about what I look like naked, those ideas enthral me. Even though I don't know where or when it'll happen, I look forward to it. I dream about hugging girls, just wrapping my arms around them and holding them, or having them put their arms around my neck so they can look deep into my eyes, or moaning with satisfaction as I move my hands over their skin, not wanting me to stop. I can't wait for that to happen--well I can wait, cos I do wait, but I anticipate it a great deal.

Those thoughts must be magnified by a factor of a hundred when I crush on a girl, cos then the thoughts are like "I could be hugging you? Talking to you? Learning about you? Making love to you? Be wanted by you? REALLY? :D" When the right girl replaces the silhouette, it's like:

The United Emotions General Assembly has unanimously passed a motion requiring you to ask that girl out. Troops from the Confidence & Risk-taking Initiative will be deployed to your character in the next forty-eight hours. Possible modes of courting include

a) A movie
b) Coffee, followed perhaps by a short walk
c) That place with the really nice chocolate stuff, I dunno what it's called but it's fuckin' good man

It's one reason I really wanna meet more people: so I can feel that way again. The feelings I had for that girl in February were fuckin' intense, so intense that I just had to ask her out. I know I can do it if I've got the feelings backing me up and giving me incentive. But I can only find more girls to like if I meet more people.

And I don't even really wanna hook up right now. There's girls I know who are hot, sure, but they don't reciprocate that lust (not as far as I know), and to fuck them for any reason other than 'because they've got the hots for me' isn't what I want. So even if they did offer, unless they were offering cos they were horny and wanted to fuck me specifically, I'd say no. I definitely wanna have that experience eventually, but for now, I'm happy to wait, even if it takes a while. And I think if I get into a relationship, lose my virginity there, then have that relationship end, I'll have been introduced to sex and be far more likely to seek it out, seeing as I'll know first-hand how good it can feel. I really wanted to look into hooking up last year--I remember repeatedly asking a friend if she was going out to a club just so I could go with her and test the waters (that must have been fucking annoying, good god :P)--but it's faded away, mostly. If I meet a hot chick by pure chance and we hit it off, it's not like I'm gonna pass up that opportunity. But I don't wanna pursue it right now, at least not actively.

I've also realised why that hope goes away: it's when I use the word 'never'. "I'll never be in a relationship again. I'll never have a girl think I'm hot. I'll never touch a girl or have a girl touch me. I'll never have those experiences." It's a powerful word, that one, so powerful that the tangents of negativity it's initiated have lasted hours and led to tears. It really hurts to feel that unwanted. I can deal with not currently having a crush, I can deal with not having had a girl want to fuck me so far, and I can deal with not having the skills to get laid at the moment; that's fine, it'll happen soon enough, just gotta let life take its course. But if it'll never happen, that just erases every ounce of hope I've got, as well as all the self-worth I have.

I also believe these thoughts are stopping me from asking to do stand-up at uni. One thing stopping me from doing that (cos it's been ages since I mentioned it and I've brought it up repeatedly, so I think I owe an explanation here :P) is that I think they might react negatively. If I email the person who runs the UniBar, they might get the email and think "...this guy wants me to set up a stand-up night just for him? Just one person? Does he actually expect me to do that?" I fear the incredulity that could result from my lack of insight into how things are run at places like this, cos I've no clue how it works over there with organising things. I also have no connections, so my name will definitely not be known to them in any light. Even via email, it's frightening to even think about making this first step.

But in addition to that, these negative thoughts always find a way to tie themselves into a perceivable reality, and they usually tie themselves into my potential adventures in uni-oriented stand-up. Like, some group at uni responding negatively to a joke and defaming me, or being openly mocked for my eating habits/teetotalism, or even being accused of going into stand-up simply to get laid, with them finding this blog and going "Hey, he's just out for pussy!". They're obviously ridiculous scenarios that almost certainly won't happen, but when I'm sad, just the fact that they're possible is a real downer.



You might ask "why not talk to a counsellor or something?" Cos I don't want to. I wanna deal with this on my own. I know I can; it's just a hard thing to do. I firmly believe that if I can tackle this on my own, I'll be far better off in the long run cos I'll have developed the skills necessary to deal with similar problems in the future without external help. I also feel far better about taking direction from myself rather than taking direction from someone else; I'm not a fan of doing what someone else tells me to do, even if it's in my own interest :P

I also don't wanna talk to my friends about this (at least through any medium other than this blog) cos it's always the same fucking shit and they'll get tired of it. They can't do anything to help me; only I can help me. Sometimes I really want to, but I stop myself because I'm like "s/he's heard this before, don't bother them, they can't fucking do anything". In the past, I've often resorted to a blog instead in the hopes that perhaps they'll respond in a comment, primarily because that response is optional, meaning they weren't forced to say anything and thus weren't disturbed by my bitching and whining :P  I know they can offer support and stuff, which I appreciate, but I believe I can also offer myself support, so I think I'm mostly OK there.

I even put off writing about the depressive episodes and the crying in case anyone who reads this blog freaks out, particularly my best friend who's going away on exchange very soon and doesn't need more things to worry about. I mean, first off, we're talking 'tears running down face', not 'sobbing into a pillow and wanting to kill myself' so it's not that bad anyway. But more importantly, though it's far more frequent than I'd like it to be, it's still relatively infrequent overall. I think it's important I vent, though; and I'm glad I waited cos I think I managed to express my thoughts a lot clearer here than I would have if I'd written earlier.