Reflections and Sleepovers

Holidays are nearly here. Hooraaayyyy :)

First off, some reflection on the previous entry. Oftentimes, when I vent about something and read over it a day or two later, my feelings on the subject can be totally different, and I can recognise emotional biases more easily, particularly when I discuss social things. The last entry was written when I was annoyed, so its tone is one of annoyance. But has my view changed since then? Not really. I don’t feel annoyed anymore or anything, but I honestly don’t regret my behaviour at that wedding. I went to that thing not giving a shit, and when I go into something without giving a shit, that’s what happens: I don’t do anything :P

Most social events I attend now are ones I look forward to—I always love meeting my friends and going places with them. And when I have that optimism about an event, it fuels a strong desire to get in there and be social. There can be other obstacles, like that 21st I went to in February where, even though I really really wanted to go, I couldn’t even work out what the others were discussing, so I didn’t talk to anyone. But in this case, I didn’t really want to go; and on top of that, I didn’t lose anything, I didn’t miss anything, and I didn’t upset anyone, so as far as I’m concerned, there’s no issue. That’s something I’ve learned over the past year or so: some environments are ones I just don’t thrive in. There is no point in trying to change that. I see far more use in simply directing myself towards environments I do thrive in, as well as trying new ones.

Like, take clubbing for example: I’ve been back and forth over whether I want to go to one or not for ages, but even though I have a few preconceptions, I don’t know how it’d actually go if I went to one. Given the fact I don’t drink and have a cynical aversion to most popular music, it could be pretty fucking uncomfortable and disconcerting; but for all I know, I could go in, get sucked into the atmosphere, and enjoy the shit out of it. My imagination runs wild with that particular scenario: I can picture myself dancing with chicks, being wild, not giving a fuck what people think of my completely-sober self; and I can picture myself sitting in the corner thinking “please let this be over please let this be over please let this be over”. I can forecast my behaviour all I fucking want—I will have no idea how much I like it until I actually try it. And that desire to try new social situations, though still limited in many respects, has gone nowhere but up.

Weddings, however, are by no means ‘new environments’. I’ve been to them before, and thus far, they’ve all been the fucking same :P  I’m there in clothes I don’t wanna wear, I’m served food I don’t want to eat, and there’s almost never anyone there even close to my age. There aren’t many faster ways to make me feel uncomfortable, really :P  And whilst there are variables, particularly in terms of who’s in attendance, they’re consistent enough for me to predict with relatively-high accuracy that I won’t enjoy them when I do attend. My mindset can be as positive as it wants; it can’t make up for environmental factors, particularly when you didn’t choose to be in said environment (it’s impolite not to go just cos you don’t want to).

I’m not mad, I’m not resentful, and I’m not regretting anything—it was just a social event I didn’t fully enjoy. There will be plenty more in future, with lots of different people and different opportunities.

Speaking of said opportunities, I have a sleepover this weekend with the people I met in February. There will be some new people (two, I think), so I’ll definitely meet some people; and there’ll be a shitload of people there on the Saturday for the host’s 21st, most of whom I know from high school. It’s quite a change from the norm, this time around: usually, when I go to a party, I’m the stranger who doesn’t know anyone; but in this case, I will be one of only two people (the other being the host) who knows pretty much everyone. The host’s college friends don’t know the high school folk, and the high school folk don’t know the college folk, whereas I know both groups. Shall be interesting to see how that pans out!

I’ll also get a chance to invite the college people to the sleepover dealie I’m having in November. That’ll be the first sleepover I’ve ever hosted… no pressure :P  I’ve already started planning for it, so I’m not too nervous about having things ready—more nervous about finding space for everyone. Cos I don’t wanna be too selective about who I invite, but at the same time, my house only has so much room in it. Other than that, though, there’s not too much to worry about. We’ve got all the furniture we need outside, I’ve got meals mostly figured out (and I do mean actual meals, not bags of Doritos and cans of Pringles :P), and I’ve got a trip out of the house planned so we’re not couped up the whole time, and so we can eat out one afternoon/night (though where we’ll go is up in the air). Just gotta get the dates locked in and we’re good to continue!

So yeah, even with the stumble last weekend, good things are in store ahead :)  

Also it’s not really a holiday cos I have to catch up on missed lectures and do another fucking essay. So much fun -_-