I think I've confirmed my introversion today. I went to the wedding of a second-cousin today, and have been around people for the past twelve hours. I was okay for the first ten hours—in fact, the whole time I was at the wedding itself, I was fine. I didn't socialise much, but I didn't care; I kinda knew I wouldn't socialise, and prepared by way of charging my phone as high as it would go. I wrote quite a bit of new material, which is always good (I've finally started to develop a bit I've had conceptualised for a while :)
But when we left the wedding and went to the groom's parent's place, I just wanted to go home. I did not want to stay there for an extra two hours. I wanted to go to my room and sleep. I was tired (though I'm not tired now cos I want to fucking vent :P), and I wanted rest cos I have to work on an essay tomorrow cos it's due on Tuesday (I'm seeing an friend from school on Monday while she's in town, and I have class all day Tuesday); and I was also extremely bored at that stage.
Even without those prerogatives, though, I would have wanted to go home anyway. I was getting legitimately angry at the fact that I couldn't leave until my mum wanted to leave. I wasn't angry at her necessarily—I was just mad I couldn't go anywhere. Truth be told, it's technically my fault cos I'm still on my L's, meaning I couldn't take the car (it's not like I would have been drinking :P), but that didn't stop me from being mad. I didn't snap at anyone or do anything rash, but I was about ready to punch a wall by the time I got home. I've never really felt that way before: bored, definitely, but not angry. It's always been "I want to go home... I want to go home... I want to go home... :(", not "I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home jesus fucking christ why am I not home yet fuck this shit I WANT TO GO HOME >.<"
Speaking of drinking, just... goddamn it. I don't get it. I just don't. I don't want to drink, and haven't really for as long as I can remember (even if am curious as to what drunkenness is actually like), but every time I go to one of these family gatherings, I somehow want to drink even less than I already don't. Where is the fucking appeal in turning yourself into a moron? Where is the appeal in that? Where? I just don't fucking see it! And I know this isn't just people drinking—it's people drinking to excess—but it's so fucking unattractive. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Is this what they think 'fun' is? Cos it looks horrible.
I used to really hate alcohol and drinking as a thing, but I've since determined that position to be one of hypocrisy. I have vices too; they're just different vices. And they can turn me into just as big an asshat, let me tell you :P I can play Mario Kart for hours and hours and hours, and by the end of it, I can be really really mad cos I keep losing races, or get hit by items. I'll yell at the screen, question the game's logic, but continue to play it cos I just have to beat these assholes! But if I just play it for a little while, or play it with friends, that never happens. And when I stop playing after a bad session, my bad mood goes away fairly quickly. It's more the way I'm playing the game, rather than the game itself. In the same manner, it's the way these people are consuming alcohol that baffles me, not the fact that they drink.
And I get why people drink: it's social lubricant. People find it hard to socialise, so we found this thing which makes that activity easier, and we centre a whole bunch of social activities around it. Makes it easier to talk to people, loosens you up a bit—fair enough, right? But at what point in that equation does the "turn yourself into a cunt" part kick in? At least when I get mad at Mario Kart, I'm at home alone, so the only person affected by what's going on is me. When you drink to excess in public, you impair all your cognitive functions, and behave like a giant dickhead to everyone around you. It's just so totally fucking stupid, I can't even.
It makes me wonder what weed is like. I'm far more privy to weed than alcohol at this point. Alcohol has, like, one thing going for it (makes it easier to talk to people, which I find hard); weed could have lots of things going for it, for all I know :P If you put any type of booze in front of me, I'll just nope the fuck away from it. But if someone was to put a hash brownie in front of me... I dunno. I mean, it's a brownie, right? Those are chocolate, right? I'm always up for chocolate—at least the thing tastes nice, unlike alcohol which, from what I've heard, tastes awful but you drink it anyway... *huge shrug*. And the drug inside doesn't suck as much. Not that I'm gonna go looking for weed, or start hanging out with stoners just to learn about weed third-hand, but in the unlikely event that it shows up, I'll be infinitely more willing to try it than alcohol.
I also noticed quite a few couples there. I've always wondered what it'd be like to go to something like that with a partner. My ex invited me to an engagement party when we went out, but I said no, probably cos of the food thing which I wouldn't want to have to explain. I wonder what that would've been like. I don't regret not going (what's the point, right?), but that doesn't stop the curiosity. Just the thought of sitting with my girlfriend, arm around her, just relaxing: even that's nice. Almost like a "we don't need these people—we just need each other" kind of thing :)
I also thought about meeting chicks at these kinds of things (this sparked a lot of material writing). Given the presence of booze, I don't think I'll ever meet a woman I'm attracted to at something like this. If anything, I'd be looking for the girl sitting in the corner, head buried in her 3DS, just as bored out of her mind as I am. Man, that'd be so fucking cool. See a nerdy chick in the corner, not dressed for the occasion, not talking to anyone, just sitting there playing Pokemon, looking all alone... and cute :3 I would totally cold-approach a girl like that, and I don't cold-approach anyone.
:O they should have an app for that! They should have an app for that shit! You put it on your phone, and you activate it when you go to any social event where you know you won't fit in. It gives you an alert when anyone else who's activated the same app is within a certain radius, telling you where they are. Then you can go meet other people who share your pain, and bitch about how stupid everyone else is, then talk about internet fandoms or whatever. Get on this, developers!
yes i know it'd only work if a shitload of anti-social people had the app but fuck you my fantasies are perfect
I remember now that the other reason I don't comment is I always have way too much to say and then I'm like.... ehhhhhhhh, maybe I'll just leave it. But, in light of making a resolution to be more communicative, here goes, hopefully I keep things succinct and relatively diplomatic, because the last thing I want to do is criticise you on your own blog, like, it's for venting and expression, and I'd not like it myself.
ReplyDeleteI think your problem at these events is that you see yourself as totally alien to everyone else there. If I was you, I'd try to stop thinking that. I know without doubt that anyone can get along with anyone else, enough to have a decent conversation, if you're willing to try. I've been backpacking through half of Europe and met so many people that were without a doubt complete polar opposites of me, but if you can be non judge-y and just talk to people, you can still get along for an evening or whatever. Like, if you're enthusiastic about people, if you actually make yourself care enough to listen to people and ask questions about what people like doing or hobbies and jobs or whatever, you might actually not be bored at these things. If you accept that other people have something worthwhile to say, then talking to them doesnt have to be a chore and social events won't bore you, they're actually opportunities to talk to interesting people.
As far as drinking goes, you have a very odd way of thinking about it. For context, my mother is an alcoholic so while I get that drinking to excess can make you stupid or rather annoying to deal with, I've always found your opinion that drinking makes you an asshole kind of odd because I've never found it so. I mean, people that are already assholes I would assume become greater assholes, but I can't say Ive ever experienced it. I'm not trying to convince you that you should drink, I totally respect people's decisions not to, but alcohol is great for heaps of reasons beyond being a social lubricant. Being drunk is super great, it literally makes things seem more fun, less effort, more entertaining etc. It kind of reduces how many things you can focus on at once so if you're dancing or whatever, the music feels louder, the way your body feels is more present, and you feel a million times more confident in your own body and less anxious about what other people are thinking. It doesn't make you care less about other people, just how they think of you. People can be just as kind or worry just as much about a friend as they can sober. Actually, people are mostly way more friendly when drunk. Also, alcohol tastes good. Thats kind of the point. Once people are 18 and can afford to stop drinking goon, people actually drink for pleasure. Like, why would you order a glass of wine with dinner otherwise? you aren't drinking enough to get any sensation, its purely taste based.
Anyways, I guess I'm just saying that people that don't like the same stuff you do aren't necessarily stupid, and while you can search forever for your manic pixie dream girl sitting in the corner equally out of place, you're much more likely to find her by actually talking to the girls that are there.
I should probably elaborate on some stuff, cos this entry, as you said, is mostly venting, so it paints a pretty incomplete picture of what was going on in my head.
DeleteWhile I know I often think of myself as an alien compared to these people (which, given my eating habits, teetotalism, and complete lack of social skills, is not a complete lie :P), this was more a result of apathy than alienation. I went to this thing literally not caring about what was gonna happen. I didn't get bored until the very end -- the phone was keeping me quite occupied, believe me. This was not an opportunity to meet anyone I'd actually be speaking to in future -- no one there was my age (or anywhere *near* my age, really), so it's not like I've missed any potential friendships/girlfriends here. This wasn't me sitting around thinking "man, I wish I wasn't such a weirdo so I could get along with these people"; it was "I've got no reason to be here and want this to end as swiftly as possible so I can get to sleep".
At no point was this an event I was looking forward to, and there was nothing I could have gotten out of it anyway; it was a lost cause from the get-go. That was my conclusion from the whole thing: "events like this just aren't my cup of tea". I've never been fond of family get-togethers, I don't go well in situations where alcohol is abundant, and there were no people there anywhere near my age -- that's a recipe for failure :P
As for alcohol, I didn't mean to imply that anyone who drinks is an asshole, or alcohol instantly turns people into assholes. I don't have anything against people who drink either; that's not justification for me to hate somebody. It's just that anyone -- and I do mean *anyone* -- who I've ever seen get drunk has acted like a fuckwit. I've seen no exceptions to that rule. It doesn't matter who it is: you pump them full of booze, and they act in a way that completely repulses me. Every time a drunk person approaches me, no matter how well I know them or how old they are, it makes me feel awful and uncomfortable. I have no doubt that drunk people can tolerate other drunk people, but I can't stand them.
And with the girl thing, that was more of a joke than anything else. I know I'd be clutching at straws if I were expecting to meet a girl that way -- I figured the ridiculousness of the situation would make it clear I wasn't being serious :P But, as I said, there were no women there my age, so it wasn't a possibility here. If there were, then I would have had a reason to give a shit, but there weren't.
I also never said people are stupid if they don't like the same stuff as me (I seriously don't know where *that* came from). And though you might be able to get alone with literally anyone, that doesn't mean I have that ability. You are way, *way* higher on the social-skills ladder than I am -- I haven't had half the experiences you've had. I understand that maintaining a positive attitude is important, sometimes I just don't give a shit, and this was one of those times.