Cos I want to :) I've wanted to talk about it for a few days, but my urge to write came from being horny, and I ended up dealing with that in... other ways :P I'm not horny at all right now, so I'll be able to write without being distracted, not to mention that whatever I end up writing will be a little more reasonable and subdued than it might have been.
The main thing is that I'm basically more interested in having sex than I was before—like, substantially more interested. I'm not sitting here thinking "man I have got to get laid", but I'm thinking a lot more about when it'll happen and how it'll go down. I've been looking at myself in the mirror a lot (something I've never really done), thought about how I look, etc. I've been contemplating where I'll be when I meet the girl, how I'll start conversation, how I'll flirt with her. I've nothing specific in mind that I wanna try, nor even the willpower to go out and make this happen; I'm just toying with the idea in my head, cos it's fun.
I'm curious as to what a woman will think of my body. On one hand, I'm mostly in proportion, all my bits are in the normal places, my face isn't abysmal—I don't need to worry about them thinking I look dreadful. It's more the little things I'm worried about. Like the fact that, while my body's in proportion, it has no substance to it. There's hardly any muscle or fat. I'm not anorexic (I've seen that shit, I look fine compared to them :P), but most men are just flat-out bulkier than me, even other skinny dudes. I definitely have some fat and muscle; there just isn't much. My arms and legs in particular are super-thin. It kinda makes me doubt that any woman will want to touch me if there's nothing there for them to actually touch :P And while my face is fine, it does have that red pimply tinge to it, not to mention my upper chest having the same thing. As much as I try to get rid of it, it's not going anywhere, at least not yet. The last thing I fuckin' need is to take a girl home, take my shirt off, and have her go "ew, why are there pimples on your chest?" My teeth being out of place and my tongue being super-short make me question if I can kiss properly (will my teeth collide with hers? If my tongue can't reach into her mouth, is that a problem?).
Though I've never had any actual issues based on these factors, I feel as though they could be problematic. Obviously each girl is different as to what they're looking for, but this is more about not meeting the most basic of standards. While I know at least one girl has found me 'cute', the number of girls who've found me 'hot' has never risen above zero :P I can say with a fair amount of confidence that there are no women on this planet who've wanted to fuck me thus far. So I really have no clue what to expect when I try to hit on (or manage to sleep with) a girl, at least in response to my physicality
On a(n ironic) side note, I'm actually not at all concerned about the size of my cock. It's not small, and it's not too big either; it's perfect :) And if you look at it mathematically, if the rest of my body is small, that makes my dick look slightly bigger... totally helpful :P
One may say "it's more about confidence than looks". Well sure, but how much? How many visual flaws can sheer confidence account for? I can't really see myself wanting to be with a girl who's all about looks and doesn't care about personality at all, even if it's a hook-up, but if they're gonna sleep with me, surely they're gonna want something nice to look at and touch :P I dunno. Maybe confidence does turn certain girls on more than looks do.
Cos that's pretty much all I'm looking for in a girl: one who's horny for me. I don't wanna get laid for the sake of getting laid; I wanna get laid cos there's someone else out there who wants to fuck me. I'm so curious as to what it'd be like to have a girl actually wanting me sexually, cos I've never experienced that before. I want the girl to want me just as much as I want them, to be feeling me up and groping me just as much as I'm doing it to them, to want my clothes off as badly as I want theirs off. It might take a while to find a girl like that, but it'd be worth the wait. I have absolutely no interest in fucking some random chick just cos she wants to be my first, or cos she's desperate and has low/no standards. Fuck that :P
I'm also a lot more open to the idea of a one night stand than I was before. I don't just want it more: I feel more ready for it, more capable of dealing with it. I've been fantasising about it a lot more, even though my fantasises up to this point have usually of the romantic sort. It just seems so exciting to take a new person home knowing they're so into you that they wanna skip the formalities and just bang you. I'm still far more privy to something long-term—that hasn't changed, and probably never will—but the hook-up experience is one I very much want to have.
I've even fantasised about having sex at the place we meet, not even wanting to go home. Going to the club bathroom, going outside to a park, sneaking into a bedroom at a party—just wanting it so bad that we have to get to it right away. I'm so curious as to what that urge looks like for a girl, and what it'll feel like knowing their urge is for me specifically. And I think I'd actually go through with that, as timid as I might seem. That scenario is exciting as all hell!
But yeah, I definitely feel comfortable with the idea of sex now, at least a lot more comfortable. When I wanted to hook up at my Year 12 Formal, I saw it more as a rite-of-passage thing. I was definitely attracted to the girls I wanted to approach, but there was no thought in my mind as to how comfortable it would be for either party. But now, I'm confident I could get in there and have some fun sexy times. And while I do have my aforementioned doubts about my physicality, that's the stuff I'd have to get out of the way before I talk to the girl, not once we're in the bedroom. Once that dick is hard, bodily-confidence is a non-issue, believe me :P
I've also thought about the kinds of things I'm looking for in a girl's body. I've come to the conclusion that while there are definitely some physical traits I'm really into on their own, it's more about their body as a whole. Like, I can quite confidently say I'm into redheads with really pale skin, or that I find glasses sexy, or that I like girls that are curvy and have a bit of meat on their bones more than skinny ones, but not one of those traits has to be there for me to find a girl hot. The last girl I wanted to date had many physical traits I may not have liked on their own, but cos her body was so fucking adorable as a whole, she was incredibly beautiful despite that (and being really interested in her personality helps, cos that introduces a filter that covers pretty much any physical flaw)
What's weird is that I don't often see women I find sexually attractive. I don't know what it is, but even if they fit the traits I like, it's rare for me to see a girl on the street where I'm like "wow, she looks good". It's not like I'm trying to look for hot chicks when I'm walking around, which could well be why it's so rare, but yeah, it doesn't happen often. I hope I'm not super-picky... I don't wanna be. Or maybe it's like girls I have heartfelt crushes on: perhaps I have to know something about their personality (or their sexuality, in this case) before I develop any lust. Not 100% sure.
And there's so much about the act that excites me! It's not just the 'penis-in-vagina' part—that's, like, one part. The making out, the feel-ups, touching her boobs, touching her stomach, fingering her, getting a handjob, a blowjob, making her cum, having her make me cum—all stuff I'm looking forward to experiencing eventually. Even if the girl and I don't go all the way, it'll still be great, at least in terms of it being a new experience.
I dunno when it'll happen, or even when I'll be somewhere it could happen, but hopefully it will soon :)
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