So I went to the meet-and-greet thing held by the gaming association at my uni. Things went pear-shaped before I even arrived cos it turns out I wrote the time down incorrectly on my calendar, thus showing up half-an-hour after the thing started. I didn't think I'd missed anything important, though.
When I got there, I walked into the room the people were in and saw them setting up some TV's and consoles. There were some people on laptops playing MMO's, but most people there seemed to be console folk, which is what I am, at least mostly. I do play PC games alongside console games, but the PC folk in the organisation seem to mainly focus on League of Legends and DOTA, two games I could not possibly give less of a fuck about :P Console-wise, they were setting up for a Smash Bros. tourney, which wasn't too surprising. Smash is one of those games I do play, but only casually. These people, though... definitely not casuals :P There's a fairly active competitive scene in the group, it seems. Fighting games just aren't my thing, so I couldn't get in on that.
But alas, what's that I hear? "Mario Kart's set up over here, guys!" Mario Kart? That's my jam! I'm totally up for some Mario Kart right about now! Fuck yes, let's go play Mario Kart. They had Mario Kart 64 set up on a projector screen, away from the Smash Bros peeps, but still in the same room. I walk on over and pick up a controller, along with three other people.
The fact that it was Mario Kart 64 makes things a little odd. Most people haven't picked up a Nintendo 64 controller in fuckin' ages; I, on the other hand, have one sitting in my entertainment unit cos I wuv it ^_^ Most people haven't played any iteration of Mario Kart in a long time, much less one that came out in 1996; I haven't played it in a while either, but I've played it so much that I know it like the back of my own hand regardless. On one hand, this is good: people were asking what the controls were, and I was answering each time, cos I was seemingly the only one who knew. Any time a question about the game came up, I could answer with confidence, cos, as I said, this is my jam right here. It gave me a chance to talk, which was invaluable at the time. On the other hand, I knew in advance that because they didn't even know the controls, much less anything else about the game, I wasn't gonna face any stiff competition. The reason that's bad is because when one person wins a game over and over again, it can make the others feel kinda shitty. It's not like I wanna rub it in people's faces that I'm good at the game, but I'm not gonna go easy on people cos that's fuckin' patronising. Thankfully, people seemed to have fun regardless, and I was too! It was a little awkward cos I didn't know the people playing with me, but it didn't matter. Good times were had :)
It's weird, though: they have a huge competitive Smash scene, yet there's not one person there who's into Mario Kart like I am, at least not to my knowledge. This must be fixed :P
Anyway, once people left Mario Kart, I went to watch the Smash tourney which was under way. At this point, I should clarify that I haven't really 'introduced' myself to anyone, not formally. No one there knows who I am, no one knows my name; I'm truly anonymous at this stage (though I am not legion, and I forget shit all the time). Everyone else, however, seemed to know at least one other person there. People were speaking to each other, clearly because they already know each other. I, on the other hand, was just... there. And granted, Smash isn't something I'm into like these people, but I watched anyway cos it's still fun to see players exhibit skill, even if I don't fully understand the mechanics of what they're doing. It didn't matter, though, cos I still felt awkward, like I didn't quite belong (go away Year 12 English no one likes you >.<). I didn't know what to say—what was there even to say? What the hell am I supposed to put forward when there's nothing to be said? The awkwardness was starting to take its toll on me, and self-confidence was fleeting, especially compared to how I was doing when playing Mario Kart.
Not long after the Smash tourney finished, they started a Halo 3 tourney. I haven't played Halo in ages, but I know I'm not totally awful at it, so I enter. They're holding this one in a totally different area, so I go there with the others. Once I get there, though I'm in a different room, the environment is identical: people who already know each other speaking with one another, while I'm there along not able to join in. I'm also nervous at this point cos I'm waiting for my name to be called for whichever round I'm in, not wishing to make things difficult for the organisers by missing my round (which always happens at these fuckin' things, cos people are all over the joint playing multiple things at once :P).
Anyway, as they played, I sat and watched. As I watched the first round, I started to feel more dejected as I realised that while this is supposed to be a meet-and-greet, I had neither met nor greeted anyone for the entire time I'd been there. I'd spoken to people, that's true—I haven't stayed in my shell and avoided people or anything—but I hadn't made any lasting impressions. I haven't shaken anyone's hand, or told anyone my name (apart to sign up for the tourney), or learned about anyone new. I eventually played my round of Halo, somehow managing to win (my opponents seemed about as unfamiliar with the game as me, lol), but I hardly opened my mouth the entire round.
Eventually, pizza arrived, so everyone flocked to get some. I thought "well, going over there isn't gonna do you any favours, cos you'll just be asked over and over again a) if you'd like any food, and b) why your answer to that question is 'no' :P". So I stayed in the console area. I felt shitty at this point: although I didn't expect to meet a bajillion people or befriend people instantaneously, I did expect to at least learn some names and chat a little bit. I didn't think it was much to ask of myself, but it evidently was.
I felt much the same as I played the final round of Halo with the people who'd won the other rounds. I only cracked, like, one joke the whole time—Mario Kart Wii was on in the background, the menu music playing at full blast, so I was like "this is my favourite song from the Halo 3 soundtrack". And even then, I thought of that joke five-to-ten minutes before I told it, cos I was so goddamn nervous the whole time. I said hardly anything during the match itself, save for the odd expletive whenever I got killed. After that was over, we played a few more rounds for fun, but we eventually had to leave cos the janitor wanted to lock the place up. As I walked home, I didn't regret going or anything, but I was a little disappointed at myself.
And you know how I said I arrived half-an-hour late, and didn't think I'd missed anything important? Their event page said people should arrive early so they can meet and greet people. The 'meet-and-greet' part formally ended before I even got there. While that doesn't mean it was impossible to meet other people while I was there, the part they put aside specifically for that—the part where it would have been easy to meet people—was the one part I missed. God fucking damnit :P
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: introductions are a cunt of a thing for me. They are a peak to which I simply cannot ascend. What's bizzare is that everything after that point is so easy now! It's not a cakewalk, but it's way easier than it was before, that's for sure. Last year, I wrote about how I met a guy in a tutorial at uni at one of those 'talk to the person next to you' dealies that teachers like to spring on you in the first class of the semester. I usually dread these things, and this was no exception. But as soon as turned to my left, learned his name, told him mine, and shook his hand, the awkwardness was almost entirely gone. I could actually talk to him, and listen to him, and joke with him. A year or two ago, that wouldn't have happened, at least not so quickly. So I've clearly made progress on the social front. Problem is, there are still parts of it where I've made no progress.
Basically, if you presented the process of a friendship on a timeline, the beginning being introductions, and the end being its developed form, I've worked my way from the middle outwards. The stuff on the far-end (being really close to someone, having a best friend, etc.) has come along nicely, and the stuff towards the beginning (talking to people I've only just met, being around strangers, etc.) is also getting easier and easier. But the very beginning of the timeline—meeting people—is still uncharted. There's that small bit between not knowing someone at all, and having started talking to them, which I just can't grasp. It's not something I'm not good at; it's something I can't do it at all. I can't even picture myself doing it.
As hopeless as I may have felt at certain points during the evening, I'd still like to get involved with these guys, particularly on the organisation side of things. Part of me doesn't want to disturb them cos they already have a body of people organising stuff for consoles, but I have my own ideas I'd like to put forward. Like, I'd love to host a Mario Kart: Double Dash!! tourney sometime, purely because it's Mario Kart with co-op. My best friend and I play it together (I drive, she shoots), and it's hella fun. And I've watched tourneys online with teams of two competing against each other: shit gets hectic. I think it'd be interesting enough to gain traction, but not so different that it alienates people. And on top of all that, people will have to team up, so it'd be a good way to get people meeting other people, provided the teams were random. There are a few other games I think would be good to play in tourneys (Timesplitters, Mario Party, Tetris Party/NullpoMino), as well as some games that'd be good to try in any format cos they're just different (Nintendo Land, Boom Street, Fibbage). How bizzare: I suck at introducing people myself, but I can easily come up with ways for other people to meet each other :P
And I know it's strange to want to take the initiative required to organise things, while not having the initiative required to introduce myself to people (at least not without the held of a third party), but I can see myself organising this shit. I can imagine it. I've gone over explaining the rules for Double Dash!! heaps of times in my head just for the fun of it, to find the most efficient way to explain how it works. I can picture sitting beside a group playing Boom Street, explaining all the intricacies of the game. And the reason for that is because at that point, I'd have already been introduced to them. I'm not 100% sure how I can offer these ideas to them, seeing as I have no idea how their internal structure works, but I want to find a way, believe me. They also do games each week on Tuesday afternoons, which is fucking perfect cos I have a huge break on Tuesdays. Maybe then I'll find some more Mario Kart people :P
Also, if I had trouble meeting people at an event full of gamers, full of people like me, how hard will it be for me to meet people at events outside my comfort zone? That was one of the main reasons why I felt the way I did: cos I knew that if this was hard, anything more difficult than this would be fucking brutal. I can't picture myself meeting people at bars, clubs, parties, etc. either. Ironically, the one thing I can picture is meeting a girl, cos you can just look at one and tell if they reciprocate pretty much immediately by their reaction. I can picture myself looking at a girl dancing, having her smile or something, and walking up to her—even though it seems more dangerous, at least the process there is clear and makes sense. The process for all other introductions, however, is beyond me.
And that's what it is: it's a process. You intake the variables of the environment and the people, you process them, and you decide how to act. Sociable people and extroverts do this without even thinking about it, cos they've had a lot of practice. There is a process; I just don't know what it is. There is a socially acceptable way to do what I want to do here; I'm just not aware of it. Cos it's not like I'm sitting there wanting to isolate myself—I want to introduce myself to people, and I know it's not immoral or anything, but it never feels right. For the whole evening at the gaming meet-up, it just never felt appropriate to say anything. I hope I can find out why that is, cos I think that's key to making progress.
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