Religion: The #1 Solution for All Your Clarity-Destruction Needs

Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday... gotta get down on Tuesday :P I'm not even sure if I want to continue writing with what information has just popped out of nowhere and punched me in the face. I've met this motherfucker before, and a motherfucker he remains, as does his burden: religion is back to test my patience. I don't have much against religious people as a whole; most of the ones I know are hardly different from the atheists and agnostics I know with regards to their acceptance, their tolerance or their intellect. The problem is that it's always the person who I least want to have faith that has it, and this time, it's my fancy. I suppose the issue here is that she's religious and I'm not, creating an incompatibility I'm all too familiar with -- my ex girlfriend was (and is) Christian, and although she never told me why she wanted to end it all, I'm damn sure the whole "God thing" played a significant role in her departure from my life.

Believe me when I say I have no issue with her faith in and of itself; she isn't trying to convert me, so it doesn't bother me. It does get me, however, that it never came out! She has no chain around her neck with a cross or a crucifix hanging from it, she never mentions God, Jesus or anything else "holy," and she's wild! She's loud, proud and boisterous! She's sworn, she wants to be famous, and I've heard her talking about parties and drinking! Where's the fucking consistency here!? Did she convert only yesterday or something? Seriously... just... blargh! It just proves what I've been thinking all along: women make no sense. Don't look for consistency in women; you won't find any :P My ex girlfriend, whilst quiet, was obviously Christian; the cross around her neck put that fact out in the open, for all to see. Here, though: nothing!  How do you hide something like that? I mean, I'm glad she's not the type who goes on and on about it -- those people piss me off immensely -- but this is the sort of choice people usually take pride in... where is it here? No obligation for a symbol within the church, I suppose...

This takes me back to when I liked my ex. I knew she was Christian, but I didn't give a shit! I liked her enough to put this otherwise major difference aside and bear with the restrictions -- yes, I would have loved to stick my tongue down her throat and smother her with physical affection, but we didn't need to go there with the deeper connection we had with one another, so it had no real effect on us as a couple. We had a damned good time together! We did anything a normal couple does, and no deity stopped us from being together! The break-up, however, made it very apparent that conflicting religious values can end up being the deal-breaker in these kinds of relationships, and this new perspective in an otherwise identical experience has changed everything. I even wish I didn't know about it, for at least such ignorance would leave me happy! Seeing her arrive today put a smile on my face; this has effectively wiped it off,  knowing what could become of this new fancy and I should we come together.

My feelings for this girl have diminished, and it saddens me a great deal -- not because she's religious and the implications that come with that, but the fact that I care that she's religious. The thing is that this little escapade has kept my hope for something (aka "someone") better alive for the past month, and it won't die without a fucking fight; it won't prosper without a fight either, but it won't go down unless I stomp the now quiet flame out. Surely, this girl is no less beautiful, no less intelligent and no less remarkable because of a mere difference in faith; I can't just expect her to mirror my faith (or lack there of) can I? Not everyone believes what I believe. This difference didn't stop me last time, nor shall it this time -- and, let's face it: this shit is still in the research and development phase! I don't even know if she likes me back yet! I'm thinking too far in to a merely potential future! I'm still without sufficient information to make any informed judgement as to whether this relationship can or will blossom, irrespective of religious grounds! It's way too easy to get caught up in shit like this, especially if you've got nothing else to think about :P

Regardless of what "stage" this hootenanny remains in, it'll all have to wait; I don't see my fancy for three weeks... three weeks! The way I see it, if those butterflies don't come back the next time I see her, all this can be safely put to rest, no one the wiser... lest she see this... like that's gonna happen :P As for contacting her... sweet outta luck there; no email, no phone number, no nothing :P  Fuck all to show for all my mental strain except for what you see written in front of you. It makes me think though: what the hell was up with all the signs? The greetings were normal -- her character -- but the weird compliments and the asking me to go first... methinks something's afoot there :P  Do we have another Christian falling for an agnostic? Now that she knows I ain't a believer, however (she's gotta know by now,) does that change things with her? This week was nothing special: no greeting, no otherwise irregular conversation, hardly a glance... perhaps it's ended for both of us... or maybe it's just the beginning...

THIS WEEK'S HOLLYWOOD ENDING BROUGHT TO YOU BY:

FEELINGS: THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU WISH THEY WOULD JUST FUCK OFF FOR A SEC SO YOU CAN THINK

Confusion: When Will These Birds Piss Off!?

Yeah... here I go about my fancy again :P Considering I saw her no more than 24 hours ago, however, it seems almost appropriate. As for this week's evidence as to this attraction being not as unrequited as it could be, let us delve: my arrival at the writing session was met with another direct greeting from her. That's the same thing done twice. Consistency is a good sign, no? The real catcher for me was actually a silent pair of moments: eye contact. Eye contact! Yes, it only lasted a few seconds, and yes, it may have been (a.k.a was probably :P) coincidental, but everything must be taken in to account here. I find this girl unusual in her reactions to my "noticing" of her seeming habits - I look back to when I used to ogle a girl I liked during class time, more specifically the instances of turning my head straight away if I even thought she was going to catch me staring. This girl didn't budge! If my eyes met the girl in the previous scenario, I'd do the ol' "stare at the ground in front of you to make it look like you're thinking about something really hard" look; it's a skill I've since mastered :P On the other hand, this girl just... keeps looking! Is she slow? Is her reaction time impaired? Was she looking at someone else? I could have sworn!

What's even more confusing is how I'm acting - and, if I'm acting, I'm not being myself, which is no help at all considering the circumstances :P As I said, she didn't even blink or bat her (lovely :D) eyelids in either occurrence. Guess who did: me! My eyes wander; they're adventurous bastards, always looking for more. I make a sustained effort to not lock my sockets on my fancy; an effort that stems from the basic logic that she'll get creeped right the fuck out if she sees me staring her down :P I get the odd glimpse here and there, but nothing lasting longer than a second or so - the clips can be joined later during editing. On both occasions where our eyes met, it was I who made the unintentional look, and I who looked away first! What the fuck is up with that!? Is she mesmerised by me or something!? That doesn't make sense - I'm ugly! I'm the ugliest motherfucker in the room! I'm mesmerised by her, but that's understandable because she's attractive! How ironic: the beautiful woman is intentionally ignored by the lazy slob, while the lazy slob is secretly admired by the beautiful woman... an ironic theory at the very least :P

The real confusion was only to begin after the session was over, as I decided to walk with this girl for a while, as we travel in the same direction for a kilometre or so before heading our separate ways - you don't need a secret GPS chip when you can simply trail behind 50 metres or so and take mental notes. The previous week, she walked with one other person -- another girl -- which would have been perfect seeing as there's someone she's already friends with there to help the social vibe along; I wouldn't have had to do anything but join in! It doesn't work so well, however, when there are two girls accompanying the lady on her way home! We all know women are powerful beings on their own, but by God do they become something else as a team! Once they start, they will never ever ever stop talking until they disband! If you're a guy tagging along with them, you're just along for the ride, and it's not a fun ride :P It's impossible to get a word in, seeing as not only do they persistently talk and leave no room for you to speak, but the subject manner changes at such a pace so that the moment you do think of something to say, it's irrelevant!

This is why I need contact details: to cut the other misfits out of the goddamned picture and get some quality one-on-one time with this girl! I don't give a fuck about the means of communication, nor do I give a fuck about what we talk about; I just want some conversation! The butterflies have taken my stomach hostage, and they demand some vigorous and enthralling communication or they ain't goin' nowhere! That's the thing, though: how do I get contact details without fucking everything up and giving myself away!? I can't just ask straight out of the blue -- that's a recipe for disaster, especially with the other two girls around -- but when can I ask? This is the sort of shit one normally does when they first meet someone, not months and months later! The thing is, that if she does like me... she's probably thinking the same thing, and waiting for me to make the first move! Perhaps I'll just have to wait and hope for the perfect opportunity to arise where asking will fit the mood and won't be awkward...

... these butterflies look impatient though... especially that one...