Chatty: The Trait That Makes This Shit a Lot Fucking Easier

I'm not well known for getting shit done; I stall, overthink and procrastinate until all hours over those tasks I find daunting. Sometimes, however, time is stretched thin simply because of the situation at hand, and with only 1 more encounter between my fancy and I for me to look forward to, "stretched thin" is quite the understatement. The "make or break" moment draws ever closer, and although much has been made in the name of progress, a lot more needs to be made in the name of "hurry the fuck up!" Expletives aside though, I'm a lot closer than when all this madness started -- no contact details yet, no no no... but conversation? Yes yes yes :P

The first instance almost caught me off guard. It was one if those opportunities you don't see coming, but those are the most fun because you have no idea what's gonna happen; the adrenaline goes off the charts and you're bouncing off the wall. I find it hard to believe I try to avoid doing things that would make me feel this way, even though I love the feeling and sometimes even crave it. I arrived at the meet unable to see anyone else from the group, so I keep walking to see a lone, curvy figure... guess who :P "Where the hell is everyone else- WHO CARES? How come she's the only one here- NOT IMPORTANT! I wonder if anything's happened- STOP THINKING AND SAY HELLO!" When you boil down to it, sometimes being louder does make your point more valid; it does in my head at the very least :P So, off I go, balls to the wall and heartbeat to the max, and that all important celestial introduction makes it's way from my vocabulary to my vocal cords, promptly passing through my dry lips up to her receptors unawares... "...hi!"

Then the real fun starts :P

As the message makes it's way through her brain, there comes that smile one can't quite escape, and the reply is urgently anticipated. "Oh! Good morning!" she said, quick to realise that it was actually 5 in the friggin' afternoon :P -- I'd have pointed it out, but her quick and adorable "Oops! Good afternoon, I meant." relieved me of such pressure. She was using her phone (hopefully not texting her boyfriend! O.O) so I moved along and took a seat. She came up and took a seat nearby, proceeding to talk about the previous week's session. This is the great thing about this girl: she just talks! She talks and talks and talks! This trait might come back to bite me in the arse one day, but for now, it's a fucking Godsend. It's not like she is completely unable to shut up; she just naturally has more to say, irrespective of the subject at hand. There's never an awkward silence -- if I ain't sayin' somethin', she takes care of everything! It may make it hard for me to get a word in, but at this point, anything's better than nothing :P  After 3 to 4 minutes of bliss (felt like 3-4 seconds :P) others started to show, and attention was impossible to hold, but the way that conversation flowed was just... just... :D

The next episode of chit-chat came about through a second strike of lightning I wasn't expecting. In a previous entry, I mentioned walking right past the girl as I was on my way to the meet -- not even someone as mentally inept as me is dumb enough to fuck this up twice :P  Funnily enough, I spotted her from a hundred metres back, out of breath as I ran to try to see if I'd catch up -- and by golly I did! :D -- so I was out of breath, quietly begging myself to "slow down, motherfucker... slow down, motherfucker... slow down... mother... fucker..." It was kinda creepy walking just a tad faster than her, without her noticing me until I was by her side saying "hello!" It was like the sort of thing you'd see in a horror movie... I'd have blown my cover in a fit of laughter had the Jaws theme started playing on my iPod :P  Her reaction I'll never forget: "Oh my gosh! Hey! Oh my gosh!" she spieled as she took her earphones out to speak, as if she thought I'd been there for 30 seconds and was too engrossed in the music to realise; not to mention the fact that she seemed very excited to see me... see why I've been hanging on to this for so long? It's all the little things, and by God do they amount to something after such time :P It was the same situation -- me listening to her talking about the same things for the most part -- but once again, it's better than walking right past her in a puff of smoke :P

This is, however, drawing to a close however you look at it. At some point, I am going to have to get contact details (or use those I already found :P) to get something happening here. With only one more (hypothetically) guaranteed physical encounter, I am up shit creek without a paddle, and I don't know where you buy paddles from in this neighbourhood. What I've discussed here isn't even remotely courageous by any regular standard, so I'm going to have to do something actually ballsy if I want this to go anywhere: I'm either going to have to ask her for her email/number/MSN/Facebook (fuck that shit :P) to her face... or be a sneaky little devil and use the email I already have to slip in there and get a late start, hoping not to fuck with her head in the process :P

... I make this shit way harder than it  needs to be, huh :P

Opportunities: Smacking Me Over the Back of the Head After I Walk Past Them

It's been a while since I've written anything, hasn't it? Perhaps it's because nothing interesting has happened to me at all. I've been a bit of a busy beaver lately, so there's been little time to think, let alone type, so- ...you know what? Fuck formalities -- you didn't come here to read about what I haven't had time to do :P  Let's talk about shit that has happened... sorta kinda :P

I have been devoid of any interaction with my fancy (here the fucker goes again :P) and hence this blog has been devoid of any reporting from the front line, which has been partially responsible for my lack of textual presence. I saw her for the first time in 5 weeks today... if only I had known it was her upon the first sighting :P Here's the lowdown: I'm walking to the meet where the rest of the group is; and when I walk, I walk fast. Anyone walking faster than me is usually sprinting. I also listen to music while I walk, and I had the Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando soundtrack on shuffle -- no, I'm not obsessed with the furry bastard to the point where his soundtrack is my motivation for any form of pedal transportation; I just like the soundtrack and haven't listened to it for a while. Get off my proverbial back, God damn it! :P

Anyway; I'm walking down, listening to GC, and one of the faster tracks comes on, which means I walk faster (I have this undeniable urge to walk in time with the music I'm listening to -- do you have that too? It can't just be me- bah! Tangents be gone!) I'm overtaking anyone and everyone in front of me, and I'm nearing my destination, but even with plenty of time to spare, the music takes hold, pushing me forward. There's a lone figure up ahead, and this would easily be the last person I have to get around, making for a swift arrival at the meet. I close in on them to discover the person is some girl, about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair, wearing short shorts, stockings, and black sunglasses on her head -- just another slow random who's getting in my way. Let's walk past her."

This is the part where I fucked up.

Big time.

I arrive at the meet, and five minutes later, guess who shows up? My fancy! ... who is about the same height as me, with pale white skin and dark red hair... and who just happens to be wearing short shorts, stockings and black sunglasses on her head!

...FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

I can only imagine the calibre of facepalm it would take to fully represent what a dickhead I've just made of myself! Let's start with the obvious: here is my fancy, the girl of my dreams, walking along a footpath at a reasonable pace with nowhere urgent to be... and I WALK PAST HER!? I could have completed an entire dossier on the girl in the time I spent rushing to get somewhere I was early for anyway! That's a phone number, an MSN address and hence initial contact down the drain! Oh... did I mention the fact that she was by herself? Alone! In solitude! When she gets there, she indulges in conversation with others -- there's no chance for any decent discourse between us -- but here, no other punk-ass intruders were even present, let alone able to get in my way...and I don't even notice! Believe it or not, I had moments earlier checked to see if the girl I speak of was coming out of the train station I walk past on my way there... how does one MISS what they were actively LOOKING FOR only FIVE MINUTES EARLIER!?

The biggest consequence of my (lack of :P) actions, however, is far more subtle, and it may have actually damaged relationship potential rather than simply having missed an opportunity to boost it. We know I walked past her, but let me remind you of the speed at which I passed her: she was at walking pace... I'm at almost jogging pace... which means I bolted past her! This  not only means I didn't notice her, but that may very well have told her I was in a hurry to get away from her! That tells her I don't even want to speak to her when that's all I've been trying to do for WEEKS ON END! I'd kill to have a conversation with her, and I am not talking in any figurative manner! Whilst this was never confirmed and we actually did speak for a bit before the group went inside, but there was nothing special today in our interaction; and, considering we hadn't seen each other for 5 weeks, you'd think a "so, what did you get up to?" would have come my way. Yes, yes; I know I should have asked her that question... but we'll get to that later :P

The knockout punch actually came just after we got inside. I was thinking to myself "it's OK, it's all OK... you'll still leave with her. You'll still walk with her after the session. Another girl will be there, but it's better than nothing..." I was going to find that out the hard way :P  No more than a few minutes after we get in, my fancy (and the girl she walks to the train station with) made arrangements to leave 10 minutes early. Being straight across from my fancy (one of the few things that went right that afternoon -- her face is so pretty! :D) I heard, and it was at this point that my head internally collapsed -- that's every avenue I have for initiating  form of contact exhausted in the space of 20 minutes. We were then instructed to clear our minds by writing whatever we were thinking about now for 2 minutes, which basically involved me writing what you see here condensed in to a short, handwritten paragraph (with increased profanity density :P).

Even knowing that I could (and, with a stroke of luck, will) bump in to her at the same time next week, being fully aware of her presence and able to take advantage of the opportunity, she probably won't be alone next time (nor any other) as I'm sure she usually walks with someone who was away this week -- the walking with her afterwards is also fucked seeing as I can't run fast enough to catch up with a 10 minute gap (and believe me, I tried. Hard.) There is, however, one teensy weensy little trick I have up my sleeve: illegitimately acquired contact details. That's right; you read correctly: contact details. I discovered that her e-mail address is in the big list of 'em when the whole group gets sent stuff. To use it would be a little unusual, yes, but what options do I have now? This is the only reliable one left -- the encounters leave too much to chance. With the group now working on our final task, ideas are being discussed, and her's is one of intrigue and mystery... I don't know just what it is, but it sounds... just interesting. What little details I have now don't fit, and she's the only one with the missing pieces, so let us ask for them! What do I have to lose? If I e-mail her and she replies, there's my ticket and off I go; if she doesn't reply, we know the answer to that all important question and can get the fuck on with life. It's win-win... for me, anyway :P

...you know what else I'd kill for? A DeLorean... with a flux capacitor and time circuits that actually work.

Confusion: When Will These Birds Piss Off!?

Yeah... here I go about my fancy again :P Considering I saw her no more than 24 hours ago, however, it seems almost appropriate. As for this week's evidence as to this attraction being not as unrequited as it could be, let us delve: my arrival at the writing session was met with another direct greeting from her. That's the same thing done twice. Consistency is a good sign, no? The real catcher for me was actually a silent pair of moments: eye contact. Eye contact! Yes, it only lasted a few seconds, and yes, it may have been (a.k.a was probably :P) coincidental, but everything must be taken in to account here. I find this girl unusual in her reactions to my "noticing" of her seeming habits - I look back to when I used to ogle a girl I liked during class time, more specifically the instances of turning my head straight away if I even thought she was going to catch me staring. This girl didn't budge! If my eyes met the girl in the previous scenario, I'd do the ol' "stare at the ground in front of you to make it look like you're thinking about something really hard" look; it's a skill I've since mastered :P On the other hand, this girl just... keeps looking! Is she slow? Is her reaction time impaired? Was she looking at someone else? I could have sworn!

What's even more confusing is how I'm acting - and, if I'm acting, I'm not being myself, which is no help at all considering the circumstances :P As I said, she didn't even blink or bat her (lovely :D) eyelids in either occurrence. Guess who did: me! My eyes wander; they're adventurous bastards, always looking for more. I make a sustained effort to not lock my sockets on my fancy; an effort that stems from the basic logic that she'll get creeped right the fuck out if she sees me staring her down :P I get the odd glimpse here and there, but nothing lasting longer than a second or so - the clips can be joined later during editing. On both occasions where our eyes met, it was I who made the unintentional look, and I who looked away first! What the fuck is up with that!? Is she mesmerised by me or something!? That doesn't make sense - I'm ugly! I'm the ugliest motherfucker in the room! I'm mesmerised by her, but that's understandable because she's attractive! How ironic: the beautiful woman is intentionally ignored by the lazy slob, while the lazy slob is secretly admired by the beautiful woman... an ironic theory at the very least :P

The real confusion was only to begin after the session was over, as I decided to walk with this girl for a while, as we travel in the same direction for a kilometre or so before heading our separate ways - you don't need a secret GPS chip when you can simply trail behind 50 metres or so and take mental notes. The previous week, she walked with one other person -- another girl -- which would have been perfect seeing as there's someone she's already friends with there to help the social vibe along; I wouldn't have had to do anything but join in! It doesn't work so well, however, when there are two girls accompanying the lady on her way home! We all know women are powerful beings on their own, but by God do they become something else as a team! Once they start, they will never ever ever stop talking until they disband! If you're a guy tagging along with them, you're just along for the ride, and it's not a fun ride :P It's impossible to get a word in, seeing as not only do they persistently talk and leave no room for you to speak, but the subject manner changes at such a pace so that the moment you do think of something to say, it's irrelevant!

This is why I need contact details: to cut the other misfits out of the goddamned picture and get some quality one-on-one time with this girl! I don't give a fuck about the means of communication, nor do I give a fuck about what we talk about; I just want some conversation! The butterflies have taken my stomach hostage, and they demand some vigorous and enthralling communication or they ain't goin' nowhere! That's the thing, though: how do I get contact details without fucking everything up and giving myself away!? I can't just ask straight out of the blue -- that's a recipe for disaster, especially with the other two girls around -- but when can I ask? This is the sort of shit one normally does when they first meet someone, not months and months later! The thing is, that if she does like me... she's probably thinking the same thing, and waiting for me to make the first move! Perhaps I'll just have to wait and hope for the perfect opportunity to arise where asking will fit the mood and won't be awkward...

... these butterflies look impatient though... especially that one...

Answers: I Can Has?

Well well well, if it isn't... Tuesday. Time for that heart filled entry about how I don't know what the fuck is going on! My attraction to this fancy of mine has now reached a whole new level of complexity due to my over-analysis of the situation; it just gets worse and worse and worse with each encounter. You sit there wanting to pour your heart and soul on to the table for her to see, so everything can be cleared up and you can get a straight "yes" or "no" answer to that all important question, but nothing compels you to do it! Then you begin to question everything... again! "Do I really like her?" "Is she really the one for me?" "Was I just fooling myself all this time?" And you're a practical guy, so whaddaya do? You try to answer these questions! Here are three questions you're never gonna answer by yourself, but you'll try! You'll go all night pondering these puppies! You fool yourself in to thinking you'll get more information... but all you just end up with more questions! "Well, if she is the one for me, why am I stalling?" "If she liked me, surely she would have said so by now... right?" "Maybe she's taken! Is it even right to disturb her potential bliss?"

I think I'm used to her look now, so that initial physical thrill has worn off for the most part. Don't get me wrong: I could look at her for so much as a second and lose track of time, but that ":O there she is! She looks so good! Wow! Holy crap! WOAH! :D" sensation isn't anywhere near as potent. I don't know if that means my maturity is kicking in and looking for substance - which I definitely want to find - or if my penis is broken :P Poor bastard: he has to live off a video feed from up top... little bugger won't be seeing the flesh of another any time soon, as much as I'd love for him to meet my fancy in person :P What we need is conversation: words going to and fro; a verbal tennis match; anything, damn it! Anything! It's impossible to get a word in under the circumstances and it kills me! I find myself wanting to manipulate a task to my own bent desire by explaining everything through scripted drama and reading it aloud just so she can get informed! Hey, I've done it before: I once used an English speech to tell 30 people about a girl I'd liked for years. You think orgasms feel nice? It's nothing like the release I had, nothing. I got nearly perfect marks too, purely for the shock value :D

This is the problem with liking someone in an educational setting: there's no time for chit chat! Not a fucking second is there to be "wasted." God forbid I meet someone who I can spend (at least part of) my future with and therefore have incentive to prepare for said future! I know the process here and I can't progress without verbal interaction, simply because I've got all I'm gonna get staring at her; it's a fun but ultimately pointless exercise in determination to see how long you can look at someone before they notice :P I need data to process! Real, genuine data, not that vague shit one can contemplate for hours on end; I have enough of that as it stands! Like this, for instance: you know how in a class, when everyone is going to present their work one at a time, sometimes no one wants to go first? Then the awkward silence kicks in as everyone waits for someone else to break it... it happens when no one is truly proud of their work and no one is willing to be the first one to fail. Anyway, it's silent for a moment... then out of nowhere, my fancy addresses me by name and asks me to go first! That's a sign of something, damn it!

Let's do some math: over the course of a few weeks, this girl has said hello to me, complimented my (shitty) handwriting for no apparent reason, and is seemingly interested in my writing... a careful plot, or a mere coincidence? Her choice, or her character? ... ... I got nothin'! It's too open! I now need to examine her mind... to pick at it and survey the landscape. And, as much as I need her to talk to me, I also need to talk to her, to see if her potential interest remains, grows or dwindles after contact. So long as I don't talk about how many games I've beaten or my Minesweeper remake, it should be OK; that shit can come later :P Methinks she isn't the type to play those kinds of games, for all I've seen her play so far are mind games, and fuck me, she is good at them. A good 10-15 minutes of talkity-talk will do endless good.

Now I've just gotta find a spare 10-15 minutes lying around somewhere...

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