For a while now, I've understood that human beings are primarily creatures of emotion—we react with our hearts before our minds. That said, I usually look to reason as the optimal way to think, as the way to bettering myself, but I've been realising for a while now that this simply isn't true. I've mentioned more than enough times that, as far as relationships and sex go, I'm not getting anywhere. My social life isn't quite as horrible as I can make it out to be, but it could be improved on so many levels. I mean, just today, I played Grand Theft Auto IV for about five hours straight, playing with friends in a set of games I organised to celebrate my nineteenth birthday. Most people would go "That's how you spent your birthday? Stuck in front of a computer screen, driving around shooting pixels on a screen? Seriously?", to which my response would be "Yes. And it was awesome :D". I haven't had that much fun in a long time. It's all relative: because I'm not used to being in large groups of people, getting pissed at parties and fucking anything that moves (and because I prefer gaming to partying as a social medium), this was so far above the norm for me that it had a huge effect on me. I organised my real-life birthday party (something I haven't really had for five or six years now) to be similar: multiplayer gaming, just split-screen instead of online. I'm sure it'll be great fun too—split-screen gaming has always been something I enjoy, so I'm sure that will only serve to compliment the company of those I enjoy spending time with.
I feel happy about all this because I'm actively trying to satisfy my needs and wants in this area, whereas I'd typically think "Nah, they've got better things to do. I'd be wasting their time." There wasn't much reason involved here beyond "I have a group of friends, and we typically engage in this way; therefore, organising to meet in this environment with these people will probably result in a positive experience"—and that's only what you get once you deconstruct the original thought of "Hey, I'm gonna invite some people I know to this place we all like. That should be fun :)". There's no conscious thought process, it's something people just do. When you cut out the reason, and simply go with the possibilities, it evidently provides for the more positive outcomes. Luckily, I have the train rolling now; I just need to maintain it. Starting these things is always the most tricky part for me, so the worst is over—not that it'll be piss easy, but the more involved I am in my social life, the more natural it will feel to engage in a social manner.
When I come to relationships, however, even though it's also a largely social aspect of life, I become a lot more self-conscious and unwilling to act. I guess it's because being in a relationship will draw on a lot more of my personality, habits and beliefs than more general social environments do. The people I was online with earlier have no idea about my weird eating habits, my physique, my interests outside gaming, my religious or moral background—because none of it matters to them. It doesn't impede our ability to play together and get along, and thus has no relevance in this social context. Obviously, with closer friends, these things can (and, certainly, sometimes do) matter; but in a close, intimate relationship, they usually matter quite a bit in terms of attraction.
And this is where reason comes into play. When I look at those aspects of my life, I can't really imagine a girl wanting to be in a relationship with anyone who eats the way I do, or looks the way I do, so I usually end up simply dismissing the possibility as 'irrational'. But, I'm not just some guy who looks like a starving African child without the melanin, with the diet of a 12 year old who lives in a convenience store (I find it quite amusing that I can get 80% of what I eat from one isle in the supermarket—how's that for healthy :P). I mean, I'm in university, I went to an academically selective high school, I engage in critical thinking, and I regularly explore issues politics, religion and language. I am by no means a scholar, but I'm intellectually proficient to at least some degree. Surely, some woman somewhere (most likely of similar intellect) will appreciate that and be drawn to that. In a similar way, I'm not the funniest motherfucker to hit the planet, but I write comedy and have performed it successfully, and I like to take a similar approach to direct conversation. I know everyone has a sense of humour, but I'd like to think I can put a smile on people's faces when I'm around (the group of online friends I mentioned earlier seem to laugh a lot while I'm there and mention their liking of my jocular nature, so I'm not just talking out of my arse :P). While thinking of myself in this way doesn't send my confidence through the roof, it helps it along enough for me to go "You know what? Maybe it will happen again :)"
And there's the other thing: this has already happened. It's been proven to me through personal experience that a girl can have feelings for me and want to be with me despite what I see to be my shortcomings. My ex didn't give much of a fuck about what I ate or what I looked like—granted, her apathy probably played a role in that, but I still feel as though she liked me for who I was on the inside, as I did her. I guess part of attraction is being able to look past things like that and focus on what you love about the person, to maintain that positive framework.
It's not even a primarily sexual thing anymore for me. I mean, I still wanna get laid :P But if I had a choice between a one night stand and a date, I'd take the date. I miss everything about what my ex and I had, even to this day, nearly two years after it started and one-and-a-half years after it ended. I miss hugging her so fucking much. While I miss her personally, as that one person who had feelings for me, I know I can't get her back; hugging, though, I can experience again, and I so want to. I laugh when I see jokes about people being 'stuck' doing that kind of stuff with their partner. I remember a particular playing of Scenes from a Hat on Whose Line where the performers had to improvise 'Things to do when you're stuck cuddling'. Part of me is just like "Stuck cuddling? Do you know what I'd give for a hug goddamnit >.<" Again, it's all relative: they're used to it, so it doesn't mean anything to them. Even I got complacent with my girlfriend; I knew she'd be there to cuddle every day, so it just became a ritual. I still liked it, but it wasn't as thrilling as it was before, it was just 'that thing we did'. Because I haven't had this interaction for so long, if I were to experience it again, it'd fill me with warmth faster than I can imagine. As they say, you only know what you've got when it's gone.
I'm so removed from this environment, and hence so sensitive to its elements, that it doesn't take much to make me happy here. Even hearing or seeing the word 'cuddle' (and that adorable derivative of hug, 'huggle'), evokes a surge of energy in me, like all the nerves in my body go "What? Did I hear 'cuddle'? Is there gonna be a cuddle? Man oh man could I do with one of those right now :)". Thinking about wrapping my arms around a girl's waist, leaning against a wall, holding her hands and rubbing the back of them with my thumb, even an image as gentle as that can brighten me up. Just typing that, I started to shake a little because of all the energy this image released into me. The release of breath through sighs of satisfaction, the natural smile on her face, it's amazing to think about. Same when the little spoon becomes the big spoon—I wanna be her little teddy bear, there for her to cling onto as tightly as she wants, never leaving. It reminds me of when my ex would hug me so tightly that I couldn't breathe. It wasn't some kind of erotic asphyxiation thing, she just found it funny that she could squeeze me so tightly that all the air in my lungs would be forced out (probably my only foray thus far into slapstick :P).
All the images I have tend to follow that trend: close physical intimacy. I guess it's all at least a little sexual, but I think that's normal, and good, something to embrace. That's not to mention the fact that there are images I have where nothing sexual even really happens. There was a girl I liked a little less than a year ago, and I repeatedly pictured us on a beach, her head on my shoulder, my arm around her, just looking out to sea. I wanna know what it feels like to be in bed with a woman too. I can only imagine how fucking weird I would have felt doing that with my ex on my friend group's end-of-school trip last year, had we still been together, but I think it would have been beautiful to do (I even remember talking to a friend when the trip was just an idea—I wanted to bring candles, lol). I mean, obviously, there's that part of me that just wants to see a girl naked and stare at her while she sleeps (are pussies ticklish? :P). But there's just this thing for me, I guess, about 'spending the night together', like we're crossing this boundary into this new realm of maturity. It's kind of mesmerising to think about.
And, of course, there's the sex. For me, dreaming of making love is so much more fulfilling than dreaming of a hook-up. I mean, I've dreamed about hooking up before, and it can be really sexy to delve into that fantasy where two people who don't know each other too much just get horny and wanna fuck each other's brains out, but making love is so much more drawn out and full on. I swear my dick's harder when I dream of making love than when I dream of a hook-up or simply watch porn (which doesn't even come close to fantasising). There's the dream where we're sitting on the edge of the bed, kind of nervous, and we start kissing, and before long, hands depart from around the waist and the neck, and explore the unseen plains of skin under the clothes. Or the dream where we're outside, on a lookout somewhere, or at my/her old school, and we lie side by side and kiss, until one of us rolls on top of the other and gets things moving. Or the dream where we come home from a night out, where one presses the other against a wall and we just feel each other up, pleasuring each other orally and having more sex in 30 minutes than we'd usually have in a month, the animals inside us in complete control.
This is turning into smut. Bad smut. I don't even read smut; how can I have standards :P
But, when you get right down to it, the staple of the relationship is communication: talking and sharing things with one another. I miss having that special someone I could always talk to. I remember on my first date, after the movie had finished, taking my then-girlfriend outside the theatre and just talking. Well, I was talking, she was just laughing. I miss being able to make someone that happy, seeing a girl so vibrant and full of life simply because of what I was saying. And making her feel better when her brother kept calling her a hippo. And the whole cutesy syntax we always spoke to each other in. It was so special to me. I know it was only one relationship, and it was only in high school, not exactly the strongest love I'm ever going to have in my life; but it's the strongest love I've had so far, so it's all I can go off. I've always said that small things to most are big things to me. My time with my ex was the best six months of my life, and I want to do it again. Thing is, I'd so much rather become friends with the girl I like now first and talk to her, because that (if anything) will give me the strong attraction I want to feel before I ask her out. That's how I got it the last two times, and this girl's presence alone simply won't do it for me; I have to do something to get the ball rolling. I don't know how the hell I'm supposed to talk to her or be her friend, but maybe a random date is the only way.
And no, she's not on Facebook... damn you, cursed vice to whose convenience in stalking I so quickly became accustomed! :(
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