Going Out: or How I Want to Learn to Stop Worrying and Love the Bombshell on the Dancefloor

I mentioned in my last entry how my social life really wasn't very active. Most of my socialising takes place online, either with the few friends of mine I talk to on MSN or Facebook, or playing GTA IV with forum buddies over the PSN. Things could certainly be worse—I had my first real birthday party in years a few days ago with friends, and even though we only really played multiplayer games for six or seven hours, it was still heaps of fun, and they enjoyed it. It's not like my social life is non-existent; it could just do with some variety, I guess.

As would be evident by now, I've never really been one to go out to bars or clubs. I think I've been in a bar once in my adulthood, and it was pretty boring, but it was a family thing so I couldn't expect anything of it anyway :P  But, whilst I remain socially celibate, almost everyone I know goes out. It's what this fucking age bracket is known for doing :P  I constantly see photos of people I know at bars or clubs or wherever, and they at least look like they're having a good time... soooooo why the fuck am I not there?

Well, first off, it's not like opportunities have been jumping out at me. I can't remember any (and I mean any) parties or bar/club outings I was invited to in high school (except for my formal's after-party which I'll get to later), and that trend continues for the most part to this day. I had so few connections in high school that nothing came my way in terms of invites to parties of the more mature form—no raves, no discos, no piss-ups, no nothing. As for since then, I have been invited out to a club by my friends twice from memory, but that's literally every invite I have actually been able to actually take into consideration. I said no to going with my friends on the two mentioned occasions. Doing so was admittedly a bit dumb, but I wasn't open to the idea at all at the time—it's finally piqued my curiosity enough for me to develop interest.

This leads me to my second point: the only 'party' party I've even really been to is that godforsaken formal after-party, and that really doesn't count for shit :P  It's the closest I've come, however, so it'll have to do, in all its horridness :P  And half the reason it was so shitty for me was my naivety. I reacted to that whole situation the way I did because I was new to the environment; everyone else there was used to the environment. They'd all done this shit a million fucking times. It was nothing to them. This was just their thing. They'd been doing it for years, and they were all well accustomed. I had no real clue of what to expect, and what I was presented with sucked every type of ball one could possibly suck.

Even though I managed to make a new friend out of the ordeal, said ordeal remains mostly bad :P  I mean, I still remember seeing Sally at the after-party, sitting there at the campfire, looking depressed and not enjoying herself. This shit happened eleven fucking months ago, and I still can't get it out of my head. And I don't think it ever will go away, either. It's not like this prevents me from living my life day to day; it just pops up from time to time, and it only ever serves to fuck with my head. Half of me still wants to make her feel better, and half of me just wants none of it to ever have happened. No picture of her smiling on Facebook or anywhere else will fix that; I think only seeing her happy in real life will. Probably just me and my complete inability to forget shit like this (through repeatedly mentioning it in blogs :P).

I don't want to react to every little negative thing at a party like that, but at the same time, what am I supposed to do when I see people not enjoying themselves? Not feel bad for them? The only reason people end up ignored and alone at parties is because the consumption of alcohol by the majority destroys one's ability to think about other people.

...off track? What are you talking about >.>

Having gotten that shit off my chest, I'll just take the after-party to be what it is: an outlier. Moving on.

I guess my third and final reason is the fear residing in exposure to this new atmosphere as a whole. Larger social situations usually suck for me, but they're all family events where I don't fucking know anyone (as an awkward penguin, having family ties to Italians is just awful :P), so that's probably the explanation. When I'm with friends, I'm a lot more open and willing to engage, so that's where I wanna be: with them. All the time. As in, no one leaves my goddamned side for any reason ever :P  I don't wanna be left by myself at any point during the evening, and I'll cling to someone if I have to. When I'm mostly surrounded by people I know, and/or I'm in a calmer environment, this isn't a problem: out comes the trusty iPod Touch, saviour of all lonely moments, to bring me my alternative to alcohol: Tetris :)  But in a club/bar? That's just gonna look fuckin' dorky, and it kind of defeats the entire purpose :P

I guess I don't wanna be introduced to a group of strangers by my friends (or anyone else), and then have my friends leave me there alone with the strangers, who then talk predominately amongst themselves while I stand there trying to find a suitable moment to interject, confidence fleeting all the while, until it gets too awkward for me and I leave. I seriously fucking hate that shit. Whatever happened to the buddy system, damn it :P

Even with all that said, however, I still wanna do this. I never thought I'd actually say this, but staying at home is getting kinda boring. I still love gaming and writing, but I wanna do other stuff. I don't wanna get pissed and set things on fire, and I don't wanna hit on drunk chicks until I get to stick my dick down their throat, but I do wanna meet some more people and do something other than sit on my arse at a computer :P

And I know I'll like at least some of it because I know I like taking risks sometimes. I always get a huge adrenaline rush when I do things for the first time, and it's something I always cherish and want more of at the time—it's all a matter of getting the ball rolling. Even my Year 10 Formal was awesome for me because it was new and exciting; mightn't have been exciting for them, but it was for me. I loved every minute of that. I managed to lose myself in the music and just fucking dance. I hate dancing while self-conscious (and, of course, for most, that's where the alcohol comes in :P), but when I'm so immersed that I let the beat go to my head and let loose, it's awesome (from memory—that's happened, like, twice :P). It's the same feeling I had when I asked Sally out in the first place, or asked my girlfriend out, or kissed her for the first time, or when I do stand-up: it's being dangerous and liking the thrill, a.k.a being a young person.

I don't wanna do this just because everyone else is. Obviously seeing my friends doing it is getting me interested, definitely, but I wanna do this to expand my horizons and encounter new things. I hate social norms and the concept of adherence to normality in general. I used to be really good at ignoring them too, but Facebook (and the internet in general) makes that a lot harder. Like, I never used to care that I don't drink—my body, my decision, doesn't affect anyone else. But then I get to thinking if people will judge me on that principle and make assumptions of my character based on that single trait. Same with my virginity: unlike my teetotalism, I actually want to fuck, but I haven't yet, and thinking about the fact that most people lose their virginity at around seventeen/eighteen makes me feel really insecure about myself (maybe I would have gotten some pussy by now if I'd been to a few parties, hmm? Hmm? >.<).

But the fact of the matter is that there is no 'correct' answer to the question "Do you drink?", and there is no 'correct' age to lose one's virginity at (I seriously wanna do it soon though—"I started having sex at nineteen" and "I started having sex at twenty" sound worlds apart, don't they :P). Normality in this sense is just a way for the corporate world and the media to alter my mindset and get me to submit to their 'fit in and be happy' mentality.

Another thing, just a question about the current state of affairs here: is there anywhere a guy can have a fucking slow dance anymore? I seriously wanna do that. Like a ball or something, that's the kind of environment I'm talking about. Doesn't even have to be a slow dance—just a one-on-one kind of dance scenario will do! Something where I can find/take a girl in a nice silk dress and dance with her all night long, hold her in my arms , twirl her around, all that jazz. Is this available for people my age? Or is it clubs and shitty wub-wub-neow-neow music for the young people and everything else for the middle aged and old people? I guess I can't get over how my Year 12 'Formal' had no such thing at any point during the dance session. Is this some archaic desire no other couple has? Is something wrong with me here?

...tangents. Tangents everywhere.

I guess I just wanna get out and do shit. I'll have to procure some ID beforehand (driver's test is piss easy, if I recall correctly the practice test I did and how fucking laughable that was :P), but that's all I'll really need... well that and common sense. I should probably bring a jacket this time, rather than just bringing my iPod and my wallet with two condoms inside :P

...I wonder if I'll ever get to use one of these things before they expire...