Flip-Flopping: That Thing I Do All the Time

I went back to uni last week. Missed a lecture or two, but still went to the tutorials. It was good to see my friend again—we have more and more fun together each week, laughter becoming far more common. I also got an assignment back, a writing assignment. I had to create a collection of small experiments implementing different poetic, theatrical and narrative devices—for example, using visceral, grotesque language, or using a certain question-answer structure in dialogue, stuff like that. They could be anywhere from a sentence long to a few pages, so long as there were at least six pages in total, with a maximum of ten pages permitted. I submitted seven pages and got 68%. Not really surprised. I would have been shocked had I gotten anything over 70%. Just didn't put the work in; no one to blame but myself. I'm not super disappointed with the mark, but I know I can do a lot better.

The only thing that pisses me off is that, instead of written feedback, the tutor has simply ticked the fragments he likes, along with ticking individual lines he found notable. I had two fragments with no ticks at all—but what's wrong with them? Fine, they're shit, but why are they shit? I'm sure there's a reason; I just need to know that reasoning so I can develop as a writer. Ticking the fragments he thought to be good is the same as liking Facebook statuses: it tells me nothing except 'Oh, someone liked this.' Fucking useless :P

And, of course, I saw the girl I like at again (I need a pseudonym... I'll get back to you). It's weird: I don't see her for two weeks, and, along with wanting to talk to this random checkout chick at the supermarket, I post this:

"...that feeling [of love] has [not] shown itself with the girl at uni; I'm starting to doubt it again."

Then, I walk into class on Friday, see her, and think:

"no no no i take it back, i take it back, i wanna talk to this one, this one this one this one :D"

...yeah :P Nothing too complicated here: I'm just getting impatient. Desperation is starting to rear its ugly head, and while that may push me to do something that might actually lead to some progress (a dirty word in my world), it could also lead to me doing something dumb, like overthinking this even more than I already have.

I did get an idea though—don't laugh, I'm serious >.< Anyway, my writing class buddy got 85% on his assignment, which isn't surprising given how talented he is. Anyway, because I got to class late, I didn't see the original distribution of assignments. Each assignment had a yellow post-it note with our mark on it; so my friend had his 85% out in the open for all to see as it was handed along the table to the back. 85% also happens to be the minimum requirement for a High Distinction, the highest classification of mark you can get as far as assignments are concerned, so the tutor wrote "HD" and "A++++" on the post-it as well. After class, my friend told me about how the girl I like saw the assignment and went "Ooohhh, 85!" or something to that effect.

Now, my friend doesn't know about this whole infatuation debacle (because I see this as a "thing" even though it really isn't, so I keep this to myself in the real world :P), so he had no real incentive to tell me that; it must have been genuinely funny or otherwise noteworthy. That means she's impressed by high marks, by an assessment that demonstrates quality in one's ability to write. So, maybe if I get a mark of 85% or higher on my next assignment, and she sees it, perhaps it'll impress her—maybe not a lot, but at least a little. That might give me the confidence boost (in terms of my own view of myself as well as her view of me) I need to get something going here :) 85 is a big step up from 68, but if this girl gives me the motivation to get that mark, so be it. It's a utilitarian marking system—they don't give a fuck how I get the grade, so long as I attain it on my own merits.

I guess it could just be the two weeks I had without seeing her, but it was hard not to look at her that afternoon—I had to indulge myself in quite a few glances on Friday. She gets more beautiful every time I walk into that room. I start wanting to write things about her just because she is there. I want to write things to read out loud in class to drop the hint, just to push the line and see what happens. Her flaws are becoming less and less important. I want to have her between my arms and snuggle her tight, poke my head around from behind, glance into her eyes (which pop right out of her head), and kiss her. I want to see her laugh and smile because it makes me so happy when she does :)  I don't even give a fuck how cliché or lovey-dovey it sounds.

As for the girl at the supermarket, I saw her the Tuesday before. Didn't say anything (she didn't even ask me how I am... what kind of employee conduct is that >.<), but I did catch her name. There was only one person with that name who looked even remotely like her on Facebook—she's friends with a Christian friend of mine, and she appears to be a musician. I don't see much potential in dating a religious muso :P I'm sure she's a nice girl, and the conclusions I've jumped to here could obviously be dead wrong seeing as I'm going off so little, but the outlook is pretty negative right from the get go in terms of common ground. The girl at uni, on the other hand, is a writer, and a smart one too; she's pulling me a lot more.

...if anyone has a gun, you are welcome to put it to the back of my head, escort me to this girl's house, and force me to ask her out... I won't tell on you >.>

EDIT: I just realised that plan won't work because we hand this assignment in at the end of term and she will never see my mark. Fuckity fuck >.<