My life is so out of whack right now. Wednesday was just fucking weird. The night before, I went to sleep at around 3 am, waking around 9 and getting up at 9:15, skipping a lecture I would usually not skip (even given its presence in the morning). The day after that was no less of a bludge than usual, but I'd somehow managed to stay awake on only 500mL of iced coffee and a bag of Doritos (dat breakfast :P). I went out last night to see a movie with a friend, catching up with another friend in the process. I get home at 11, mess around on the computer for half an hour or so, then go to bed. I decide to masturbate, just to be sure I have a good sleep—for some reason, however, this doesn't seem to work as well as it used to. A good wank used to knock me right the fuck out, whether it be through fantasy or pornography—I wouldn't even have enough energy to pull my pants back up. Last night, as has happened many other times recently, I climaxed, had a good release, then closed my eyes and tried to sleep... but failed to actually fall asleep :P One of two things seems to happens now: either I fall asleep for one or two hours, then wake up at some ridiculous time in the morning, or I close my eyes but just end up lying there with my eyes closed rather than actually sleeping. Either way, I end up falling asleep at some totally unreasonable hour. It sucks :( I don't even know which one it was last night, but the workout didn't leave me as exhausted as I wanted it to. Am I doing something wrong? It's not like it feels any less good to come, nor is it taking any less time or effort than usual. Is it... broken? Oh noes D:
Interestingly, at around 5:30 yesterday, a friend says she's going to see two movies at uni and asks if anyone else wants to come along. I'm like ":O it's that thing where you go somewhere that's not your house! :D" Might not be the most exciting shit to do, but it's an opportunity nonetheless, so off I go. Once I get there, I meet up with one of my other friends in the library, and he immediately feels the need to bring my social awkwardness up:
"I would introduce you to my friends, but you know..."I would be insulted but the dude is right :P
"Yeah, I won't say anything; I'll just stand there like a retard."
"Yup xD"
We talk a little, but for some reason, my mind just isn't in the right place. I'm not preoccupied thinking about an assignment or a girl or a game or anything else; I'm just not thinking positive at this point. Maybe it's because of what my friend said—I don't really know nor care, but it's still bothering me that I'm feeling really awkward around someone I've known and been friends with for this long. We're talking sure, but I'm finding it hard to think of something to say in reply to his dilemmas in studying Commerce. Sure, I go to uni too, but I'm a Creative Writing student. We have no exams, so we have nothing to really 'study' in the conventional sense. The course structure is so different that I can't relate to what he's talking about. I understand what he's talking about—I went through high school and did exams just like everyone else—but I'm so far from that world now, it's hard to relate in this environment. We're still talking though; there is still a conversation, my responses are just slow and not really interesting or well thought out.
Then the friend I'm going with shows up. She sits down and they start chatting about their upcoming midterms (they share a class or two from what my awful memory can gather). Meanwhile, I'm just sitting there listening, hoping for a good moment to interject, but nothing really comes up that I can join in on. Eventually, she actually asks me directly how uni is, and I can't come up with much more than "Yeah, it's OK. I get here, I go to class, I go home". Only when you say it out loud do you realise how sad it is :P I even said after my quietness was brought up that I just wasn't thinking straight.
Eventually, we get to the cinema. It's just the two of us, kind of strange seeing as I liked the girl just under a year ago (or loved? Oh crap, now I have to start considering actual use of that word... love, you're still a prick around here, just so you're aware >.<). It's like what I originally wanted to do with her but not really but kinda, you know? To be honest, there was no awkwardness for me once we actually got in the theatre, which was good—just two friends seeing two movies :)
Behind the scenes, however, my subconscious was verbally instructing me on how to behave during the course of the first film:
"I know you're gonna fuck this up if I'm not here so I'm staying with you the whole time. Now, you know how when you're with other friends, you crack jokes under your breath all the way through? Don't do that."The first movie was actually way better than I thought it'd be. A film about four Aboriginal girls who want to be music stars being offered a trip to Vietnam during the eponymous war sounds like one's typical "Racism is bad, sexism is bad, war is bad >:( " hippie-bullshit flick. But it was really enjoyable with a lot of funny moments, making up for the somewhat predictable plot.
"but but——"
"I don't care how funny you think you are—keep your fucking mouth shut."
"...k :( "
Towards of the end of the film, the group is performing for troops at a USO show type dealie. The manager of the group is with them at the performance. As you'd expect, the Viet Cong launch an aerial assault and blow the place to shit. The four girls escape alive on helicopters, but the manager is struck by a bullet while he scrambles through the crowd; this is seen from the girls' point of view as they're ascending in the helicopter. The moment he's struck by the bullet, my friend puts her hands over her mouth (it was a pretty sudden strike, as is usually the case with ballistic trauma :P).
Thirty seconds later:
"...maybe I should hold her hand..."Lots of derpy things go through my head :P Thankfully, the intermission allowed for some actual proper conversation—obviously, we had the movie to talk about, then it moved on to other stuff. I was honestly just happy to be engaged in conversation of some form that wasn't awkward, forced, or depressing. For me, that's miraculous—epic win :D
"I beg your pardon?"
"she got kinda freaked out there, maybe I should hold her hand——"
"What the hell are you talking about? Do you think this is some kind of romantic outing? Keep your hands to yourself."
"but but maybe it'll show i'm confident and assertive and stuff——"
"All that's going to demonstrate is that you can't remember that she isn't interested in you. Stop being ridiculous. She isn't even frightened—she was just startled because it was so sudden. That isn't a hint for you to get all touchy-feely, you fucking nimrod. It's a comedy, not a horror film. And it happened thirty seconds—no, sixty seconds ago! Even if this was a date, you would've been too fucking slow to react anyhow."
"...stfu >.<"
"No, you shut the fuck up! See how her hands are back in her lap? You wanna risk that move, boy? You see a cute moment; I see a goddamned lawsuit, as well as a smack upside the head. And what were you gonna do if she hadn't put her hands down yet? Pull her hand away while she's still covering her mouth and wrap your own hand around hers? The fuck kind of move is that? Just watch the movie. That is what you are here for: to watch a movie. Jesus Christ, seriously, the shit I have to put up with..."
The second movie was good in its own way. When one hears of a film with a plot that outlines the development of the first vibrator, images of an American sex comedy to mind, but this one was set in late-19th-century England—somewhat successful at the very least. Complexity wasn't to be found in this plot; it was only there to give the double entendre and pantomimed orgasms an excuse to be there. I liked the first movie more, but it was still worth seeing both (and for five bucks, it was a fuckin' steal).
On the way back to her car, I had more trouble finding stuff to talk about, but I think we ended up talking about uni and some other crap, carrying through until we arrived at my house.
The whole thing just got me thinking about the extent to which I fail in social situations, even with people in my own friend group. You get me in a large enough group of people I know and I hold nothing back. You get me in a one on one and I have no goddamned idea what I'm doing. I guess I'm always looking at this from the perspective of a comedian: the more people there are, the more chance there is for laughter, through more people being present and through laughter being infectious at times. You know you're socially awkward when you see every conversation as a fucking stand-up performance with audience participation... and the audience participates more than you do :P
It also got me thinking about how little I have to talk about when in social situations, but a lot of what people talk about stems from their involvement in other social situations, a "chicken or the egg?" type situation which sucks all kinds of balls. I guess my friend here and I don't have too much in common, just enough to have a short conversation. I should probably speak to her more often on Facebook like I did when I liked her—I have friends with less in common than what is here, but we can have an interesting, free-flowing conversation simply because we're good friends and know each other really well.
Then those people fuck off to Queensland and Sydney and return only on occasion.
I'm just that bad a person to be around :P
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