Memories: :(

I think about my past a lot, and it doesn't take much to bring something up in my head that I don't want to be there. The year below me in high school just had their Formal, so when I saw the Formal pictures of some of my younger Facebook friends on my news feed, I instantly felt sick—not sick at the sight of them, but sick at the internal sight of my own Formal, which I've talked about more than enough times and don't feel like rehashing.

That's half the problem here: that it still bugs me. It doesn't matter how many months go by; it's always there, lingering in the back of my mind, unwilling to die, insisting its continued importance as a part of my life which is well and truly over. As per usual, I distract myself with YouTube, stand-up comedians, current events, but it only ever masks the pain. It's starting to get really annoying.

What's worse is that I continue to indulge myself in fantasy. Every time this happens, I'm almost guaranteed to dream about an alternate history in which everything goes my way—I get exactly what I want and I'm successful in any and all attempts to do whatever I do. I couldn't tell you how many times I've pictured Sally sitting at that campfire, hanging her head and feeling blue, right before I start talking to her. I ask her what's wrong and, though reluctant at first, she starts to explain. I manage to comfort her verbally and eventually physically, almost always ending up behind her, arms wrapped around her to keep her warm (even though we're... sitting in different... chairs... it's a dream—it doesn't have to make sense :P). Sometimes we end up making love, sometimes we just sit there together—either way, she's happy. Sometimes I go back even further, pretending that my ex and I never split, allowing me to visualise us going to the Formal together. We end up ditching the after-party and going somewhere alone, sometimes to an overlook, sometimes back to her place. In all honesty, if we had gone together, we'd have ended up in front of a computer by the end of the night watching YouTube or playing games or something, but that's not the most romantic thing I can think about, is it :P It's not a sexual ritual, or even that arousing in nature, nor is it a sign of 'never-ending, unrequited love'; it's nothing more than an emotional escape mechanism.

With Sally, I seem to want to be some kind of hero, some smooth talker who still means what he says. I still want to fix something that cannot and will not be fixed; I can't change the past. When I realise I can't change the past, I remember that I can change the future—then I think about how I can rectify this problem through interacting with Sally in the future :P  If I'm given a scenario-to-be, I'll immediately conjure up my ideal experience and make it the benchmark. If I don't think about changing the Formal & after-party itself, I'm like "school reunion school reunion just wait till school reunion then you can talk to her and make her smiley face and stuff and it'll be k :)". Yeah, then if and when such an event does come around, I'll be scared shitless of the mere thought that she might see me and that I'll say or do something stupid. It just never fucking ends.

And, let's face it: me expecting to feel comfortable around almost anyone at my school reunion, with their... careers, and... qualifications... relationships... taking life by the horns... mature jerks >.<

Even upon checking Facebook the morning of their Formal, I saw notifications about Year 12 students being at my uni, where their graduation takes place. I knew nothing of that before I checked Facebook, but I quickly remembered that my high school puts their graduation and Formal on the same day, which led to the initial feeling of sickness. Not long after, that little, retarded part of my brain spoke its wisdom by going "hey maybe if you get there quick enough you can catch them on your way out and you can bump into the ones you know and mention their after-party and they can be all like 'hey wouldn't it be awesome if you came and told jokes at it? you should totes come along' and then you can go and not worry about getting laid and enjoy it and it'll all be k :)". I'm dead serious: that went through my head, and a small part of me hoped for it to actually happen. Derp.

Thing is, that inner retard is the same voice that goes "hey you should talk to that girl over there and maybe she'll like you back and you can go on a date and talk to her and make her laugh and stuff and then you'll get to kiss her and touch her and see her naked and it'll all be k :)". Might wanna loosen up on him every once in a while... I guess :P