So I was browsing reddit, and I came across this picture:
I feel this sums up rather succinctly how I've been feeling about how I need to progress: I need to feel good about myself, then become interesting, then I can get to the good stuff. But I'm finding there are way more things down the bottom that I have to sort out, more than I originally thought; and on top of that, it looks like I'm going to have to postpone things or change my plan of attack, which is somewhat frustrating.
For starters, the Film and Performance Society at uni is yet to contact me about my stand-up, even though I sent them my latest video over two months ago. I dunno if they liked it or if they didn't like it, or even if they've seen it. A reply would have been nice :P Maybe they expected me to turn up at one of their meetings and took my absence as a change of heart, even though I figured sending them the video would tell them everything they needed to know (and I was never told I had to go to any meeting). I dunno.
The reason this is so annoying is that the stand-up thing was the lever-operated-boot that was gonna get this whole self-confidence ball rolling, but now that's (probably) not gonna happen for an extra four months. That is a long time to be making no progress, especially when I have nothing else to do in that time (I might end up working full time for most of it, but it's still many a wasted night home alone). The obvious solution is 'find some other way to start this thing off', but I don't know what that is. This was intended to open social avenues because the ones I have now won't facilitate self-improvement--I can't meet anyone new via my existing friends, cos if I could, it would have happened by now. It's not their fault, either, cos this isn't their responsibility. It's mine and mine alone.
On top of that, there are other aspects besides mere social confidence that I think I have to address. There seem to be multiple areas of confidence where I'm lacking, and social confidence is only one of them. Eating is the other huge one, and that's a major part of the social problems I'm having in the first place. If that were no longer a problem, it'd solve half my problems in one fell swoop.
Firstly, I could go out to restaurants and other places where eating is the focus cos I'd be willing to actually eat. I wouldn't have to worry when being invited out, or inviting someone else out with me, about ending up at a restaurant and having to sit there not eating anything :P I wouldn't have to fear asking some girl out and having her go "Oh, I know! Let's go to [restaurant she really likes]!", which will then lead to me either a) lying to get out of it, or b) somehow trying to explain myself without ruining her opinion of me in its entirety.
I can't even be sure how someone would react if I told them that. Tolerance varies from person to person, and I usually assume the worst cos that's what I always do. I found out recently that my condition actually has a name (Selective Eating Disorder), but when I did research on how people with SED fare in the world of women and relationships, I couldn't find anything. Any page on relationships with people who have eating disorders is invariably about girls with anorexia or bulimia, because those disorders are far more common than SED seems to be. But I can't imagine a woman's reaction being anything but bad. How would you react if some guy you were otherwise interested in had this entire aspect of their life totally screwed up? Couldn't cook for him, or with him; couldn't have him cook for you; couldn't go out to restaurants with him; couldn't eat at his/your parents'/friend's place with him... if you like any one of those things, it's not gonna go down well. I keep having to remind myself that people actually see cooking food and eating together as a common thing they can expect of others, cos it's so uncommon in my life that it may as well not exist as an activity :P
But, with that freedom comes the second plus: maturity. I will feel a hundred times better as a person if I don't have to keep navigating around this roadblock, cos it makes me feel like a fucking child. I'll feel better physically cos I'll be eating better, and I'll feel better mentally cos I'll be aware of all the cool stuff I can do. One thing seddit mentions all the time is 'living in the moment', and it's hard to do that when you're constantly trying to anticipate how you're going to react to something in the future so it doesn't hit you by surprise--in this case, being invited to eat somewhere.
The problem with that is it's just such a huge issue that I feel I'm almost beyond repair at this point. Most of the time, it feels too late for me to change these habits cos they're so ingrained in my head that even the slightest change breathes discomfort right into me. It will take a long time to shift my mentality, if it's possible at all; and even then, I will never eat quite as much as everyone else. But all it would take for the most vital gain would be the ability to eat something--anything--you can order from a restaurant. Then I could at least have some option. And if I improve my eating habits even to that extent, telling people I have SED won't be as bad cos the SED itself won't be as bad. They won't see it as quite so abnormal if I can eat a few normal things.
I've also been having those weird bi-polar moments where I'm really sad one moment and perfectly fine within an hour. I dunno why, but I seem to be returning to the old ways of hypersensitivity, which is not a good sign. I think part of it comes from the aforementioned feeling of immaturity, but also from feelings of envy. I keep seeing photos of people I know in other countries, or writing about their plans to travel, or discussing where they want to work or live in the future. I don't really want to travel, and I don't have the slightest clue what I'm going to do with my life, but seeing other people talk about this stuff makes me feel behind.
The self-improvement stuff I'm reading mentions incessantly the need to be happy with your own life independent of what others are doing. But social media makes that fucking hard, man. I don't really use Facebook except to chat with one or two friends, but seeing all that stuff on my wall can be a real downer sometimes. Why do I care what they do? I don't want to give a shit about what they do or where they are or who they're with or where they work or anything of that sort. What does it matter to me? I just wanna be satisfied with what's going on with me, everyone else be damned. There are things I want to do, like perform stand-up, or attend improv classes, but these things aren't within my reach, nt geographically or socially. I'd have to go to exorbitant lengths just to get anywhere.
It's not like I don't dream about what I want to do and have my own wishes; they're just so far-fetched. I keep wanting to learn improv, get a group of players together, perform at uni regularly in both stand-up and short-form improv, but it's gonna be a while before I can get any of that together, if it's even possible at all given how few connections I have. I'd even like to tour around different Aussie unis to perform stand-up, once I got a good 30-45 minutes going--but again, how long is that going to take? Is that feasible? Or will it get in the way of uni, or my job if I ever get one?
I guess that does count as wanting to travel, just not in a typical way :P
Just not sure what to do. Will just have to look into things more and be prepared to put more effort in if I want to get anywhere. Until uni goes back, though, I don't see myself being invited anywhere or getting to perform. Gonna be flying the next few months solo.
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