Absentee

A friend of mine is having a birthday party soon. I only heard about it through another friend when they accidentally assumed I'd also been invited, even though I haven't been. This normally wouldn't be a big deal to me—people are free to invite whoever they want to their parties—but it surprised me that I wasn't invited. I invited her to my birthday, even though she declined, and I've invited her to other things I've hosted too. We've seen each other this year at meet-ups, and we've spoken, albeit infrequently, over our blogs. I was invited to her party last year, too, and I enjoyed myself for the most part. All this has left me very confused. And because I'm invited to stuff so rarely, it's fucked with my head since I heard about it.

The reason could be completely understandable: maybe there was a cap on the number of guests she could invite and I wasn't high enough up the list to get a spot (we aren't close by any means); maybe she only wants her close friends there; maybe she's holding it at an 18+ venue and knew I don't have the ID to get in; maybe she only wants close maybe it's a girls-only event, meaning I'm somewhat exempt :P  Shit, for all I know, maybe she thinks she has invited me with all the others but forgot to click my name or something. I have no clue. But, for all I know, the host decided in advance that, no, I was not to have an invite for some specific personal reason. I don't know, and I can't make assumptions of any sort: I can only guess and wonder. And when left to my own devices like that, I don't deal with it well.

This isn't the host's fault, and I'm sure that wasn't her intention. She's not vindictive like that, and if she is, she has no history of that with me. I can be quite sure she's not intentionally excluding me to bully me or make me feel bad. The thing is that when you've only been invited to one other birthday party over the rest of the year, this shit matters. Something which would otherwise seem small, petty, and not worth worrying over becomes fucking huge. This is one of those rare opportunities to get out of the house, to talk with people, to be social—around people I've met before, no less, only aiding me in being comfortable. I would have loved to go; I would almost certainly have enjoyed myself, like I did last year. I even had some clue of what to get her for her birthday, and that never happens for me:P  But I wasn't invited to the party. Again, it's obviously not the host's fault in any way that I'm short on friends and invites to things, but it does means that every invite I get means a lot to me.

I also wrote a blog entry back in September where I explicitly stated I wanted to be more social, and my friend here even commented, implying that she'd invite me out sometime in the future. I can't expect her to remember and abide by everything she's ever said to me—she's way busier than I am—but reading that comment gave me the impression that I knew at least one person who was willing to invite me to a social event at some point. It made me really happy to know that. Perhaps her position has changed since then, but if it has, could I at least be told so I don't continue to get my hopes up?

As ridiculous as it sounds, this confusion has led to me waking up each morning asking myself the same series of questions: "Why was I not invited? Which of my guesses is right? Are any of them right? Did I do something wrong?" I mean, it's not just that I haven't been invited, either; she hasn't even told me about the party. I doubt she even knows that I know the party is happening.

I evidently want an invite; I think it'd be fun to go. But at the same time, I don't want to directly ask her for an invite because I think that would come off as needy or strange, even obsessive. I mean, on one hand, going with the "treat others as you'd like to be treated" mantra, if someone I knew asked for an invite to my birthday, I'd probably be like "Sure, you can come :)", and my friend could well have the same response. Maybe if I were to ask, she'd be more than happy to send an invite my way, glad that another person wants to come along and celebrate her birthday. The thing is that I want to respect her right to invite whoever she wants to her party without being bothered by those she doesn't want to invite. I don't know which camp I fall into. I also feel that if she doesn't want me there of her own volition, going would make me feel unwelcome, even though I'd be there at the party with her permission. I don't think it would feel right. This blog entry is as close as I'll get to a request.

And my history with being attracted to her doesn't help, either. It only exacerbates the risk of this coming off the wrong way. But my desire to go has very little to do with her specifically. I don't want to go because it's her party; I want to go because it's a party, a friend's party. It's an event where I can hang out with people and just relax, not having to worry about being around strangers or feeling too anxious. Were the party for any other friend's birthday, I'd feel the exact same way, though I'd be more inclined to ask for an invite due to the lack of unusual history with said host. Half of this is about not wanting to make the wrong impression.

Hopefully my friend reads this before her party goes ahead, but if not, I'll just have to wait for the next thing to come along, whoever it comes from.