yyyeeeaahhh no

Today, I rethought the situation with Violet. Though I do still want to take her out for coffee, after going over how I'd approach such an invitation, it occurred to me that no matter how I ask, it's gonna come off as desperate and needy. It doesn't matter how I phrase the invitation: the fact of the matter is, I'm asking Violet a question she has already answered. This is a bad idea.

I still do honestly think that if Violet and I learned more about each other, there'd be potential for something cool, whether it be dating, friendship, or whatever else. There are lots of similarities between us that she doesn't know about, and all kinds of stuff she doesn't know about me. But even if we were to meet up for coffee, such a connection wouldn't happen overnight, especially given the last thing I did was ask her out. That needs to die down first.

So here's my new plan, one I can hopefully settle on. As I've previously said, I can't do anything right now. I have to wait it out. I certainly can't get in touch with Violet, not just because I have no contact details, but because it'd be awkward if I spoke to her this soon after asking her out anyway. I can't talk to her friends about this either because they'll see it the exact same way. I can talk to the other people I met at the sleepover, sure, just not about this.

What I'm waiting for is another meet-up with the group. I don't care if it's another sleepover, or a trip to the movies, or a lunch/dinner thing—I don't give a shit, so long as I get to see the group. I want to see them again anyway, so it'll be fun regardless of whether or not Violet goes, but this plan will only help settle the situation if she is there. If she isn't there, I simply have to not mention her at all.

But if Violet is there, I have to simply treat her like everyone else: say "hey" to her like I do everyone else, joke with her like I do everyone else, ask questions I'd only ask the others. It must come across as though she is just another member of the group, to get across that there are no hard feelings and that we can still be friends, just like I wanna be friends with the others.

The next step is get contact details from her so I can chat with her freely, and invite her to things, as well as go to more things the group goes to. I can do this with multiple members of the group, in fact. I can then talk to her, and if we like talking to each other one-on-one, we can talk regularly. If we like talking regularly, maybe we can meet up in person sometimes. And if, at any point, there's romantic interest on her part, I should be able to pick up on it and go from there. If not, we can just be friends.

Sometimes, I imagine Violet and I being together, just going on dates, holding each other, having long conversations with each other and stuff. Sometimes I imagine her as a friend who I've invited over to play Super Smash Bros. and Pokemon Stadium with. Both those dreams make me feel good. But then I think about the idea of her never being comfortable around me, or never getting to see her again (or any of the group), and it really hurts. I hate the idea of never seeing these people again; it fucking kills me. They were all so fun to be around. I wish I was around them right now, to be honest, Violet or no Violet. Being around them would make me feel less tense—not only would I get to hang with people who accept me, but I'd get to develop my friendships with them. I haven't met new friends in so long that I'm concerned about letting this opportunity slip, or not being vigilant enough and missing a meet-up by failing to ask what they're up to. A lot of this tension has little to do with Violet, in a way; it's about the bigger picture, one that involves the whole group and my part in it (or if I even have a part in it).

I also feel like time is going by really fast. Like, it's been a week since I met Violet. A whole week? It went by that quickly? I know the three days I spent with the group went by fast, but Jesus Christ... it was a whole fucking week ago. I've hardly even done anything in the past five days! Man, I feel like my head is spinning out of control cos of that. It's like if I blink, I'll miss something important.

But yeah, for now, I really wanna see them again. I wanna see the whole group. Seeing Violet on her own would be pretty awkward; in a way, I really only wanna see her with the others. But I do hope she's there the next time, so I can see her, so I can see she's comfortable around me and know that we can have fun together in the future. I'm nervous because there's nothing planned for the group at the moment (certainly nothing I know anything about), but they did speak about having another sleepover soon. I hope I can get an invite to that. I think I'll get a huge sense of relief, and something really cool to look forward to, if I get invited to another meet-up with them.

Uni starts next week, so that should take my mind off this. I may even meet more new people—who knows? I'm also looking to get a job on one/both of my two days off, which should help as a distraction and as a source of income, which I need right now. But at the moment, I'm tense, and still in over my head. I've been talking to a friend whenever I need to vent, and she's been really helpful in that respect, but I don't wanna burden her too much, and I also want this to just not be a thing I have to vent about in the first place. For now, there's nothing much I can do, but I think about a week from now, I'll ask the host of the sleepover if the group has any plans, just to see if anything's in the air. Hell, maybe I could organise something! Organise a trip to Sydney, go to Timezone or something, that could be fun.

Hoping I'll be comfortable once again soon.