Soooooooo the people from that stand-up thing at the University of Sydney didn't respond to my Facebook message (or even read it). They've updated the page itself several times in the past week, so I dunno if they either a) don't check messages on that page, or b) it got caught in the spam filter. In any case, I found an email account for their comedy society so hopefully they respond to that (basically sent them the same message, mentioning the Facebook message as well).
Good news is: the first draft of my latest 5 minute set is done! I'm quite pleased with it. A much slower construction process than last time, but also a more reliable set, given almost every joke inside has been posted to /r/standupshots in text format, each being well received. The last one did pretty well (four applause breaks in four minutes, yo :P), but I'm a lot more confident this time around given the jokes aren't completely untested. I'm also really pleased with the ending. Usually, the ending is the hardest bit to do, cos you have to figure out what your best joke is, and find a way to finish on it without disrupting flow. But this time, I started with the end--I was like "nothing is topping that. Nothing." It starts off with my second-best joke, moves into the good-but-not-amazing stuff, and builds from there into the better stuff, finishing on a painful image. If I get to perform at Sydney Uni, I'll test the set out and see how it goes :)
Just need them to respond...
Wednesday, 15 October 2014
Tuesday, 7 October 2014
Dreams & Independence
I sent them a message I sent them a message I sent them a message! I asked the University of Sydney if I could perform at their weekly stand-up thingy they do:
I vowed not to write anymore in this entry until I did that. So now I can write :)
I've been thinking about what I wanna do in the future, where I wanna work. The only job I really want is to do stand-up and improv -- if that was my job, I'd be happy. I'd obviously have to learn how to get around, live on next to nothing, book motels, etc., but if one's passion for something is strong enough, you'll learn anything to pursue it. Same with the few girls I've asked out: I crush on a girl hard enough, and I'll ask her out however it needs to be done. Nothing stops me once passion gets in control. It took me a while to muster the courage to ask these people if I can perform, but I still did it. Just took a while, that's all :)
And comedy is the only thing I do without being asked. I like my courses at university -- philosophy is certainly interesting -- but doing the work is always a chore. I like the content, but any assessment I do is only done to appease my teachers and fulfil course requirements. On the other hand, I write comedy just cos I feel like it. Hell, I started to write my monologue for the the next RAW comedy competition back in July, and that competition starts next February. I really get into the writing portion, and I'm now striving to get more involved in the performance portion (which is just as important). It never feels like a chore to edit a bit, or to verbally test a joke, or to brainstorm out loud. I just do it, cos it's fun.
One thing I've seen written a lot about comedy is that it doesn't pay well. Comedians often have to do live down to the wire just to keep afloat (living out of their cars, shit like that). It's a sad truth, but I'm not really fussed. Money's good and all -- it certainly helps make one's life secure and comfortable -- but it's not the be all and end all. It's not like it costs much to feed me :P So long as I have enough to keep myself alive, I'll be fine. I've also read (not that it needs to be read, cos it's obvious) that it puts strain on relationships, which sucks cos that's something else I really want. Can't have everything, I suppose. Given my current skills, I'm definitely more likely to end up with a place in comedy than a steady girlfriend :P
I saw a quote or /r/QuotesPorn the other day that summed up how dull I think my life can be sometimes:
First off, it's true: the majority of one's life is usually quite boring, and we mostly hear about the interesting bits when listening to the stories of others, particularly when perusing social media.
But on a more abstract note, I really like reading quotes like that. I stopped reading novels and the like when I got into high school, but when I got into comedy, I became a lot more fascinated with language and how it works, how it can be used, exploited, manipulated. And some of my favourite uses of language come in the form of quotes like that: big ideas expressed with only a few words. I like the idea of being able to do that. It may seem arrogant (probably cos it is :P) but I'd like to resonate with people like that. I feel my best jokes are my one liners, ones that don't need a backstory or a lengthy set-up. And I wonder if I ever could resonate with people like that. I wonder if there exists a permutation of words which, when read, would stick with people, change their perspective, alter their behaviour patterns.
And then I think about just writing things. Most of my comedic activity has been written, not performed -- even if it most of it has been written with the intention of being performed, it never actually has been. Many comedians end up writing for sitcoms, doing jokes for other comedians, etc. It seems weird to say that after transferring out of my Creative Writing course to do Philosophy instead, but I'm not talking about creative writing, only comedic writing. I don't wanna write stories; I just wanna write jokes. One liners, funny stories, satirical articles: that's my kind of writing, and the course I did at uni didn't even touch on that stuff. I occasionally write stuff that isn't comedy (I like to write rap lyrics sometimes, see what I can put to the tune of some instrumental track I have lying around), but at the end of the day, the vast majority of my linguistic adventures take place in Laughter Land.
Maybe I'll end up writing other stuff as well as stand-up, make a buck or two on the side. Who knows, right? I can certainly do both at the same time -- all I need is a laptop. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.
As weird as it sounds, I like the idea of independence. I've always said to myself "why would I ever move out of home? Free power, free water, free gas, free food, free internet, no rent, no noisy neighbours, no shitty roommates: what reason is there to move out?" But at the same time, when mum goes away for a couple of days and I have to live alone, it feels so good, so free. I dig living alone. I get more shit done--I'm doing chores cos I wanna do 'em, not cos someone else wants 'em done. I can talk to myself and not have to worry about anyone else hearing what I say. I can practice my comedy at the top of my lungs without disturbing anyone. And the responsibility involved (having to lock up, fix things that break, keep things tidy, etc.) gives me a strong sense of maturity, something I often don't believe I have. Doing comedy solo would basically be an extension of the whole thing.
So yeah, really hoping the comedy organiser person says 'yes' and lets me perform up there. Might meet some people :D
Hi! My name is Liam McCann, and I'm a student at the University of Wollongong. I also perform stand-up, and though I'd like to perform at my own university, there's no comedy scene at all at my uni, and I don't have the connections to start things on my own. I stumbled across your page a week or 2 ago and was wondering if I could get involved with your comedy scene, seeing as it's well established.It might seem like nothing, but those two paragraphs took me a fucking hour to write and send on Sunday. I proofread it and edited it at least twenty times. And that's not counting how long it took me to click the Message button and actually write something. Goddamn anxiety, yo. But it's gone now. It's gone (the message, not the anxiety; that's still there). Now I just have to hope they respond :P
It says on your page that you run a weekly show -- can people who aren't USYD students take part? If so, I'll happily make the trip up to perform :) That said, I figure the next few weeks would probably be out due to the comedy comp you're running, but I'm free to come up on pretty much any Wednesday. I understand if non-students can't perform, though.
In any case, hope to hear from you soon. Thank you for your time :)
- Liam
I vowed not to write anymore in this entry until I did that. So now I can write :)
I've been thinking about what I wanna do in the future, where I wanna work. The only job I really want is to do stand-up and improv -- if that was my job, I'd be happy. I'd obviously have to learn how to get around, live on next to nothing, book motels, etc., but if one's passion for something is strong enough, you'll learn anything to pursue it. Same with the few girls I've asked out: I crush on a girl hard enough, and I'll ask her out however it needs to be done. Nothing stops me once passion gets in control. It took me a while to muster the courage to ask these people if I can perform, but I still did it. Just took a while, that's all :)
And comedy is the only thing I do without being asked. I like my courses at university -- philosophy is certainly interesting -- but doing the work is always a chore. I like the content, but any assessment I do is only done to appease my teachers and fulfil course requirements. On the other hand, I write comedy just cos I feel like it. Hell, I started to write my monologue for the the next RAW comedy competition back in July, and that competition starts next February. I really get into the writing portion, and I'm now striving to get more involved in the performance portion (which is just as important). It never feels like a chore to edit a bit, or to verbally test a joke, or to brainstorm out loud. I just do it, cos it's fun.
One thing I've seen written a lot about comedy is that it doesn't pay well. Comedians often have to do live down to the wire just to keep afloat (living out of their cars, shit like that). It's a sad truth, but I'm not really fussed. Money's good and all -- it certainly helps make one's life secure and comfortable -- but it's not the be all and end all. It's not like it costs much to feed me :P So long as I have enough to keep myself alive, I'll be fine. I've also read (not that it needs to be read, cos it's obvious) that it puts strain on relationships, which sucks cos that's something else I really want. Can't have everything, I suppose. Given my current skills, I'm definitely more likely to end up with a place in comedy than a steady girlfriend :P
I saw a quote or /r/QuotesPorn the other day that summed up how dull I think my life can be sometimes:
First off, it's true: the majority of one's life is usually quite boring, and we mostly hear about the interesting bits when listening to the stories of others, particularly when perusing social media.
But on a more abstract note, I really like reading quotes like that. I stopped reading novels and the like when I got into high school, but when I got into comedy, I became a lot more fascinated with language and how it works, how it can be used, exploited, manipulated. And some of my favourite uses of language come in the form of quotes like that: big ideas expressed with only a few words. I like the idea of being able to do that. It may seem arrogant (probably cos it is :P) but I'd like to resonate with people like that. I feel my best jokes are my one liners, ones that don't need a backstory or a lengthy set-up. And I wonder if I ever could resonate with people like that. I wonder if there exists a permutation of words which, when read, would stick with people, change their perspective, alter their behaviour patterns.
And then I think about just writing things. Most of my comedic activity has been written, not performed -- even if it most of it has been written with the intention of being performed, it never actually has been. Many comedians end up writing for sitcoms, doing jokes for other comedians, etc. It seems weird to say that after transferring out of my Creative Writing course to do Philosophy instead, but I'm not talking about creative writing, only comedic writing. I don't wanna write stories; I just wanna write jokes. One liners, funny stories, satirical articles: that's my kind of writing, and the course I did at uni didn't even touch on that stuff. I occasionally write stuff that isn't comedy (I like to write rap lyrics sometimes, see what I can put to the tune of some instrumental track I have lying around), but at the end of the day, the vast majority of my linguistic adventures take place in Laughter Land.
Maybe I'll end up writing other stuff as well as stand-up, make a buck or two on the side. Who knows, right? I can certainly do both at the same time -- all I need is a laptop. I dunno. I'll have to wait and see.
As weird as it sounds, I like the idea of independence. I've always said to myself "why would I ever move out of home? Free power, free water, free gas, free food, free internet, no rent, no noisy neighbours, no shitty roommates: what reason is there to move out?" But at the same time, when mum goes away for a couple of days and I have to live alone, it feels so good, so free. I dig living alone. I get more shit done--I'm doing chores cos I wanna do 'em, not cos someone else wants 'em done. I can talk to myself and not have to worry about anyone else hearing what I say. I can practice my comedy at the top of my lungs without disturbing anyone. And the responsibility involved (having to lock up, fix things that break, keep things tidy, etc.) gives me a strong sense of maturity, something I often don't believe I have. Doing comedy solo would basically be an extension of the whole thing.
So yeah, really hoping the comedy organiser person says 'yes' and lets me perform up there. Might meet some people :D
Friday, 3 October 2014
I don't understand why this wasn't posted earlier, but
good news, everyone!
[please pretend it's Tuesday the 23rd of September so I don't have to change any of the writing below :P]
Soooooooooo I was walking home from uni today, feeling kinda bummed out. This is that part of the year where they decided to put all the essays (and I do mean all the essays), which I'm sick of; and I've fallen behind on my lectures a bit, so I've been sitting in tutes thinking "please don't ask me questions, pplleeaassee don't ask me questions". I'll have to use the break to catch up. But I also feel the same way in a broader sense about my uni life in general, seeing as I haven't really made any friends or established myself in any social circle. In high school, I kinda struggled socially until Year 10, and that wasn't long before I started the whole comedy thing. Comedy gave me a sense of identity: I was that guy who did the stand-up. But cos I'm so socially isolated at uni, no one knows that, so I walk around feeling kinda like a nobody. And though I wanna get into comedy, there's nothing at the uni to facilitate that, and the only other place doing comedy around here is a small comedy club which is itself part of a larger, more general club. Local opportunities are thin on the ground.
But as I walked home, I was like "hold on... that's a false dichotomy. Surely, there are other avenues besides 'local uni' and 'local comedy club' for you to use". Cos my uni has literally nothing in the form of comedy or performance groups, but my uni is also not the only uni that exists, now is it :P So I went online and searched for comedy things at a few universities in Sydney... boy did I pick the wrong fuckin' tertiary institution to attend :P
These places have entire groups dedicated to just comedy! Regular events, Facebook pages, the whole fuckin' lot. They've got stand-up heats going on, they've got improv groups—seriously, how the fuck do they have all this shit while we have fuck all? Man, they're so lucky. But anyway, I'm gonna look into it and see if I can get in touch with them and sort something else, maybe perform up there sometime :)
One obstacle I did think of would be the independence involved in travelling back and forth between Sydney and where I live. It's not like I haven't been to Sydney before, but I've never been there alone. I've always had at least one person there with me who knows their way around. On the other hand, I've been to this city before, I've caught the train there and back before, and I've even planned trips there by myself before (even if I went on those trips with multiple people). It's not like I'm going to another country alone, being dropped into a place I've never been, thousands of miles from home, where no one speaks my language. People my age have come through way scarier shit than that unscathed :P The money involved in travel is another issue, given I'm unemployed, but I've got birthday money I can rely on for now.
All the stand-up performances they even list are at, like, 1pm, so I wouldn't even have to worry about being on a train at night. Though if I perform anywhere up there at night (which could well happen if this becomes a regular thing for me, or if I perform at other venues), that will be a thing I have to work with.
The stand-up group at Sydney Uni is having a comedy competition at the moment, but sign ups closed in July, so I'll probably have to wait a bit until I can perform up there. Still, no sense in not asking these people if I can perform at a later date—nothing to lose :)
[please pretend it's Tuesday the 23rd of September so I don't have to change any of the writing below :P]
Soooooooooo I was walking home from uni today, feeling kinda bummed out. This is that part of the year where they decided to put all the essays (and I do mean all the essays), which I'm sick of; and I've fallen behind on my lectures a bit, so I've been sitting in tutes thinking "please don't ask me questions, pplleeaassee don't ask me questions". I'll have to use the break to catch up. But I also feel the same way in a broader sense about my uni life in general, seeing as I haven't really made any friends or established myself in any social circle. In high school, I kinda struggled socially until Year 10, and that wasn't long before I started the whole comedy thing. Comedy gave me a sense of identity: I was that guy who did the stand-up. But cos I'm so socially isolated at uni, no one knows that, so I walk around feeling kinda like a nobody. And though I wanna get into comedy, there's nothing at the uni to facilitate that, and the only other place doing comedy around here is a small comedy club which is itself part of a larger, more general club. Local opportunities are thin on the ground.
But as I walked home, I was like "hold on... that's a false dichotomy. Surely, there are other avenues besides 'local uni' and 'local comedy club' for you to use". Cos my uni has literally nothing in the form of comedy or performance groups, but my uni is also not the only uni that exists, now is it :P So I went online and searched for comedy things at a few universities in Sydney... boy did I pick the wrong fuckin' tertiary institution to attend :P
These places have entire groups dedicated to just comedy! Regular events, Facebook pages, the whole fuckin' lot. They've got stand-up heats going on, they've got improv groups—seriously, how the fuck do they have all this shit while we have fuck all? Man, they're so lucky. But anyway, I'm gonna look into it and see if I can get in touch with them and sort something else, maybe perform up there sometime :)
One obstacle I did think of would be the independence involved in travelling back and forth between Sydney and where I live. It's not like I haven't been to Sydney before, but I've never been there alone. I've always had at least one person there with me who knows their way around. On the other hand, I've been to this city before, I've caught the train there and back before, and I've even planned trips there by myself before (even if I went on those trips with multiple people). It's not like I'm going to another country alone, being dropped into a place I've never been, thousands of miles from home, where no one speaks my language. People my age have come through way scarier shit than that unscathed :P The money involved in travel is another issue, given I'm unemployed, but I've got birthday money I can rely on for now.
All the stand-up performances they even list are at, like, 1pm, so I wouldn't even have to worry about being on a train at night. Though if I perform anywhere up there at night (which could well happen if this becomes a regular thing for me, or if I perform at other venues), that will be a thing I have to work with.
The stand-up group at Sydney Uni is having a comedy competition at the moment, but sign ups closed in July, so I'll probably have to wait a bit until I can perform up there. Still, no sense in not asking these people if I can perform at a later date—nothing to lose :)
Sleepover: Ups and Downs
So I went to a sleepover with some friends of mine from out-of-town over the weekend. As always, it was super-fun :D We played Mario Kart 8, Super Mario 3D World, Hyrule Warriors; we played Cards Against Humanity and Lords of Waterdeep; we nearly set the host's house on fire by lighting the candles too early, leading everyone in attendance to sing Happy Birthday at 300 bpm so he could blow the candles out faster—it was certainly a fun weekend :)
There was kind of an underlying downside to it, though. There was nothing I regretted doing, and there were no points at which I felt bad or anything—there was just this occasional undercurrent of concern about a few things.
First off, a really specific, inconsequential thing about Cards Against Humanity. The last two times I've played with this group, I've performed miserably. Back in June, I think I only scored one or two points, and when I played last weekend, I score zero points, with both games ending when someone got, like, five or six points. And I remember feeling awful after the June game, cos I'm like "...I'm the funny person. This is that one thing I'm supposed to be good at. I did good back in February, and that was my first time playing! So why am I now doing so poorly? Why?" I wasn't playing to win, necessarily, but it was a strong feeling of incompetence to realise that I was a comedian who'd completely failed at making people laugh, and this failure occurred in a game which supposedly makes it as easy as possible for you to get those laughs.
This time around, though, I didn't really care that much, cos I realised it's just luck-based. It all comes down to what white cards you get, and what black cards are drawn. When I write jokes, I'm not forced to work at the mercy of Lady Luck: I have to actually form the content, the only constraint being my own incompetence. My jokes aren't a combination of two or more existing ideas: it's me creating my own ideas and expressing them in my own way. They're two totally different things. What the fuck am I supposed to do when the only cards I have in my hand just don't fit with the black card? No amount of intellect or creativity can fix that.
And granted, I've only played the game, like, four times, and the other two didn't go horribly at all. So maybe this is just a coincidence, the sample size being too small to draw any real conclusions. But yeah, even though it seems like nothing, and may even seem like my ego talking, it sucks to be unfunny when you feel you're supposed to be funny. And this is coming from someone who's bombed for 45 minutes straight before :P No biggie though, just a minor thing.
A slightly less minor thing is the fact that I don't have many stories to tell, at least not interesting ones. I feel as though when I'm in the right mindset (which I was pretty much the entire weekend), I can readily listen to people's stories and respond appropriately. Two guys went to the US for a game developer expo of some kind, so I asked them how it was, and they ended up discussing what games they showed off, how they worked, what they planned to add, etc. So I'm good on that front—not perfect, but good.
As for telling stories... :/ I was chatting with one of my friends from the group, and he was telling these stories about his friends and how he met one of them, their drunken shenanigans (he doesn't drink but his friends do), relationship drama—you know, shit that's interesting. But then he asked me to tell a story. What stories do I have? Not many, really. And the ones I do have are all ones where I do something incredibly fucking stupid and have to suffer the consequences for it :P Pretty much the only story I could even think of was that time where I blogged about a girl I wanted to fuck and people found the blogs. Nothing else really came to mind, aside from one other thing (which I'm not gonna mention cos only the group I slept over with would actually understand the story).
And it's not like I haven't done anything with my life over the past nine years; it's just that the few other stories I do have seem tame compared to everyone else's. I can't remember much of what happened during the school plays or the musical I was in, I haven't been to many parties (and the ones I have been to haven't been anything to write home about), I don't go out to bars or clubs, and most of my friends are relatively similar in that regard. To be fair, the friend in question was talking largely about his friends and what they've done rather than himself and what he's done, but I couldn't even go that route. Incidentally, I do have stories written down as stage material, but it just didn't seem to fit here—that stuff was all about how I told jokes on assembly at high school without permission, and being accused of a whole bunch of shit I never did cos some of the staff at that school were judgemental asshats. It's more "listen to what these morons did" than "listen to this crazy thing my friend did". I mean, maybe the stories I told didn't have to be related to the stories the other person told, and I was just scrambling for unnecessary relevance. Who knows :P
Like the CAH thing, I wasn't super bummed when I came to the realisation I didn't have stories to tell, but it was still somewhat annoying to not feel as though anything I had to say was worth saying. And that's not the kind of thing you can fix very quickly.
But yeah, apart from that, it was a pretty awesome weekend. I've also let them know about the sleepover thing that I'm planning, and the ones who've responded have said they're free, so it looks set to go ahead :D
There was kind of an underlying downside to it, though. There was nothing I regretted doing, and there were no points at which I felt bad or anything—there was just this occasional undercurrent of concern about a few things.
First off, a really specific, inconsequential thing about Cards Against Humanity. The last two times I've played with this group, I've performed miserably. Back in June, I think I only scored one or two points, and when I played last weekend, I score zero points, with both games ending when someone got, like, five or six points. And I remember feeling awful after the June game, cos I'm like "...I'm the funny person. This is that one thing I'm supposed to be good at. I did good back in February, and that was my first time playing! So why am I now doing so poorly? Why?" I wasn't playing to win, necessarily, but it was a strong feeling of incompetence to realise that I was a comedian who'd completely failed at making people laugh, and this failure occurred in a game which supposedly makes it as easy as possible for you to get those laughs.
This time around, though, I didn't really care that much, cos I realised it's just luck-based. It all comes down to what white cards you get, and what black cards are drawn. When I write jokes, I'm not forced to work at the mercy of Lady Luck: I have to actually form the content, the only constraint being my own incompetence. My jokes aren't a combination of two or more existing ideas: it's me creating my own ideas and expressing them in my own way. They're two totally different things. What the fuck am I supposed to do when the only cards I have in my hand just don't fit with the black card? No amount of intellect or creativity can fix that.
And granted, I've only played the game, like, four times, and the other two didn't go horribly at all. So maybe this is just a coincidence, the sample size being too small to draw any real conclusions. But yeah, even though it seems like nothing, and may even seem like my ego talking, it sucks to be unfunny when you feel you're supposed to be funny. And this is coming from someone who's bombed for 45 minutes straight before :P No biggie though, just a minor thing.
A slightly less minor thing is the fact that I don't have many stories to tell, at least not interesting ones. I feel as though when I'm in the right mindset (which I was pretty much the entire weekend), I can readily listen to people's stories and respond appropriately. Two guys went to the US for a game developer expo of some kind, so I asked them how it was, and they ended up discussing what games they showed off, how they worked, what they planned to add, etc. So I'm good on that front—not perfect, but good.
As for telling stories... :/ I was chatting with one of my friends from the group, and he was telling these stories about his friends and how he met one of them, their drunken shenanigans (he doesn't drink but his friends do), relationship drama—you know, shit that's interesting. But then he asked me to tell a story. What stories do I have? Not many, really. And the ones I do have are all ones where I do something incredibly fucking stupid and have to suffer the consequences for it :P Pretty much the only story I could even think of was that time where I blogged about a girl I wanted to fuck and people found the blogs. Nothing else really came to mind, aside from one other thing (which I'm not gonna mention cos only the group I slept over with would actually understand the story).
And it's not like I haven't done anything with my life over the past nine years; it's just that the few other stories I do have seem tame compared to everyone else's. I can't remember much of what happened during the school plays or the musical I was in, I haven't been to many parties (and the ones I have been to haven't been anything to write home about), I don't go out to bars or clubs, and most of my friends are relatively similar in that regard. To be fair, the friend in question was talking largely about his friends and what they've done rather than himself and what he's done, but I couldn't even go that route. Incidentally, I do have stories written down as stage material, but it just didn't seem to fit here—that stuff was all about how I told jokes on assembly at high school without permission, and being accused of a whole bunch of shit I never did cos some of the staff at that school were judgemental asshats. It's more "listen to what these morons did" than "listen to this crazy thing my friend did". I mean, maybe the stories I told didn't have to be related to the stories the other person told, and I was just scrambling for unnecessary relevance. Who knows :P
Like the CAH thing, I wasn't super bummed when I came to the realisation I didn't have stories to tell, but it was still somewhat annoying to not feel as though anything I had to say was worth saying. And that's not the kind of thing you can fix very quickly.
But yeah, apart from that, it was a pretty awesome weekend. I've also let them know about the sleepover thing that I'm planning, and the ones who've responded have said they're free, so it looks set to go ahead :D
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Reflections and Sleepovers
Holidays are nearly here. Hooraaayyyy :)
First off, some reflection on the previous entry. Oftentimes, when I vent about something and read over it a day or two later, my feelings on the subject can be totally different, and I can recognise emotional biases more easily, particularly when I discuss social things. The last entry was written when I was annoyed, so its tone is one of annoyance. But has my view changed since then? Not really. I don’t feel annoyed anymore or anything, but I honestly don’t regret my behaviour at that wedding. I went to that thing not giving a shit, and when I go into something without giving a shit, that’s what happens: I don’t do anything :P
Most social events I attend now are ones I look forward to—I always love meeting my friends and going places with them. And when I have that optimism about an event, it fuels a strong desire to get in there and be social. There can be other obstacles, like that 21st I went to in February where, even though I really really wanted to go, I couldn’t even work out what the others were discussing, so I didn’t talk to anyone. But in this case, I didn’t really want to go; and on top of that, I didn’t lose anything, I didn’t miss anything, and I didn’t upset anyone, so as far as I’m concerned, there’s no issue. That’s something I’ve learned over the past year or so: some environments are ones I just don’t thrive in. There is no point in trying to change that. I see far more use in simply directing myself towards environments I do thrive in, as well as trying new ones.
Like, take clubbing for example: I’ve been back and forth over whether I want to go to one or not for ages, but even though I have a few preconceptions, I don’t know how it’d actually go if I went to one. Given the fact I don’t drink and have a cynical aversion to most popular music, it could be pretty fucking uncomfortable and disconcerting; but for all I know, I could go in, get sucked into the atmosphere, and enjoy the shit out of it. My imagination runs wild with that particular scenario: I can picture myself dancing with chicks, being wild, not giving a fuck what people think of my completely-sober self; and I can picture myself sitting in the corner thinking “please let this be over please let this be over please let this be over”. I can forecast my behaviour all I fucking want—I will have no idea how much I like it until I actually try it. And that desire to try new social situations, though still limited in many respects, has gone nowhere but up.
Weddings, however, are by no means ‘new environments’. I’ve been to them before, and thus far, they’ve all been the fucking same :P I’m there in clothes I don’t wanna wear, I’m served food I don’t want to eat, and there’s almost never anyone there even close to my age. There aren’t many faster ways to make me feel uncomfortable, really :P And whilst there are variables, particularly in terms of who’s in attendance, they’re consistent enough for me to predict with relatively-high accuracy that I won’t enjoy them when I do attend. My mindset can be as positive as it wants; it can’t make up for environmental factors, particularly when you didn’t choose to be in said environment (it’s impolite not to go just cos you don’t want to).
I’m not mad, I’m not resentful, and I’m not regretting anything—it was just a social event I didn’t fully enjoy. There will be plenty more in future, with lots of different people and different opportunities.
Speaking of said opportunities, I have a sleepover this weekend with the people I met in February. There will be some new people (two, I think), so I’ll definitely meet some people; and there’ll be a shitload of people there on the Saturday for the host’s 21st, most of whom I know from high school. It’s quite a change from the norm, this time around: usually, when I go to a party, I’m the stranger who doesn’t know anyone; but in this case, I will be one of only two people (the other being the host) who knows pretty much everyone. The host’s college friends don’t know the high school folk, and the high school folk don’t know the college folk, whereas I know both groups. Shall be interesting to see how that pans out!
I’ll also get a chance to invite the college people to the sleepover dealie I’m having in November. That’ll be the first sleepover I’ve ever hosted… no pressure :P I’ve already started planning for it, so I’m not too nervous about having things ready—more nervous about finding space for everyone. Cos I don’t wanna be too selective about who I invite, but at the same time, my house only has so much room in it. Other than that, though, there’s not too much to worry about. We’ve got all the furniture we need outside, I’ve got meals mostly figured out (and I do mean actual meals, not bags of Doritos and cans of Pringles :P), and I’ve got a trip out of the house planned so we’re not couped up the whole time, and so we can eat out one afternoon/night (though where we’ll go is up in the air). Just gotta get the dates locked in and we’re good to continue!
So yeah, even with the stumble last weekend, good things are in store ahead :)
Also it’s not really a holiday cos I have to catch up on missed lectures and do another fucking essay. So much fun -_-
First off, some reflection on the previous entry. Oftentimes, when I vent about something and read over it a day or two later, my feelings on the subject can be totally different, and I can recognise emotional biases more easily, particularly when I discuss social things. The last entry was written when I was annoyed, so its tone is one of annoyance. But has my view changed since then? Not really. I don’t feel annoyed anymore or anything, but I honestly don’t regret my behaviour at that wedding. I went to that thing not giving a shit, and when I go into something without giving a shit, that’s what happens: I don’t do anything :P
Most social events I attend now are ones I look forward to—I always love meeting my friends and going places with them. And when I have that optimism about an event, it fuels a strong desire to get in there and be social. There can be other obstacles, like that 21st I went to in February where, even though I really really wanted to go, I couldn’t even work out what the others were discussing, so I didn’t talk to anyone. But in this case, I didn’t really want to go; and on top of that, I didn’t lose anything, I didn’t miss anything, and I didn’t upset anyone, so as far as I’m concerned, there’s no issue. That’s something I’ve learned over the past year or so: some environments are ones I just don’t thrive in. There is no point in trying to change that. I see far more use in simply directing myself towards environments I do thrive in, as well as trying new ones.
Like, take clubbing for example: I’ve been back and forth over whether I want to go to one or not for ages, but even though I have a few preconceptions, I don’t know how it’d actually go if I went to one. Given the fact I don’t drink and have a cynical aversion to most popular music, it could be pretty fucking uncomfortable and disconcerting; but for all I know, I could go in, get sucked into the atmosphere, and enjoy the shit out of it. My imagination runs wild with that particular scenario: I can picture myself dancing with chicks, being wild, not giving a fuck what people think of my completely-sober self; and I can picture myself sitting in the corner thinking “please let this be over please let this be over please let this be over”. I can forecast my behaviour all I fucking want—I will have no idea how much I like it until I actually try it. And that desire to try new social situations, though still limited in many respects, has gone nowhere but up.
Weddings, however, are by no means ‘new environments’. I’ve been to them before, and thus far, they’ve all been the fucking same :P I’m there in clothes I don’t wanna wear, I’m served food I don’t want to eat, and there’s almost never anyone there even close to my age. There aren’t many faster ways to make me feel uncomfortable, really :P And whilst there are variables, particularly in terms of who’s in attendance, they’re consistent enough for me to predict with relatively-high accuracy that I won’t enjoy them when I do attend. My mindset can be as positive as it wants; it can’t make up for environmental factors, particularly when you didn’t choose to be in said environment (it’s impolite not to go just cos you don’t want to).
I’m not mad, I’m not resentful, and I’m not regretting anything—it was just a social event I didn’t fully enjoy. There will be plenty more in future, with lots of different people and different opportunities.
Speaking of said opportunities, I have a sleepover this weekend with the people I met in February. There will be some new people (two, I think), so I’ll definitely meet some people; and there’ll be a shitload of people there on the Saturday for the host’s 21st, most of whom I know from high school. It’s quite a change from the norm, this time around: usually, when I go to a party, I’m the stranger who doesn’t know anyone; but in this case, I will be one of only two people (the other being the host) who knows pretty much everyone. The host’s college friends don’t know the high school folk, and the high school folk don’t know the college folk, whereas I know both groups. Shall be interesting to see how that pans out!
I’ll also get a chance to invite the college people to the sleepover dealie I’m having in November. That’ll be the first sleepover I’ve ever hosted… no pressure :P I’ve already started planning for it, so I’m not too nervous about having things ready—more nervous about finding space for everyone. Cos I don’t wanna be too selective about who I invite, but at the same time, my house only has so much room in it. Other than that, though, there’s not too much to worry about. We’ve got all the furniture we need outside, I’ve got meals mostly figured out (and I do mean actual meals, not bags of Doritos and cans of Pringles :P), and I’ve got a trip out of the house planned so we’re not couped up the whole time, and so we can eat out one afternoon/night (though where we’ll go is up in the air). Just gotta get the dates locked in and we’re good to continue!
So yeah, even with the stumble last weekend, good things are in store ahead :)
Also it’s not really a holiday cos I have to catch up on missed lectures and do another fucking essay. So much fun -_-
Sunday, 21 September 2014
Introverted
I think I've confirmed my introversion today. I went to the wedding of a second-cousin today, and have been around people for the past twelve hours. I was okay for the first ten hours—in fact, the whole time I was at the wedding itself, I was fine. I didn't socialise much, but I didn't care; I kinda knew I wouldn't socialise, and prepared by way of charging my phone as high as it would go. I wrote quite a bit of new material, which is always good (I've finally started to develop a bit I've had conceptualised for a while :)
But when we left the wedding and went to the groom's parent's place, I just wanted to go home. I did not want to stay there for an extra two hours. I wanted to go to my room and sleep. I was tired (though I'm not tired now cos I want to fucking vent :P), and I wanted rest cos I have to work on an essay tomorrow cos it's due on Tuesday (I'm seeing an friend from school on Monday while she's in town, and I have class all day Tuesday); and I was also extremely bored at that stage.
Even without those prerogatives, though, I would have wanted to go home anyway. I was getting legitimately angry at the fact that I couldn't leave until my mum wanted to leave. I wasn't angry at her necessarily—I was just mad I couldn't go anywhere. Truth be told, it's technically my fault cos I'm still on my L's, meaning I couldn't take the car (it's not like I would have been drinking :P), but that didn't stop me from being mad. I didn't snap at anyone or do anything rash, but I was about ready to punch a wall by the time I got home. I've never really felt that way before: bored, definitely, but not angry. It's always been "I want to go home... I want to go home... I want to go home... :(", not "I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home jesus fucking christ why am I not home yet fuck this shit I WANT TO GO HOME >.<"
Speaking of drinking, just... goddamn it. I don't get it. I just don't. I don't want to drink, and haven't really for as long as I can remember (even if am curious as to what drunkenness is actually like), but every time I go to one of these family gatherings, I somehow want to drink even less than I already don't. Where is the fucking appeal in turning yourself into a moron? Where is the appeal in that? Where? I just don't fucking see it! And I know this isn't just people drinking—it's people drinking to excess—but it's so fucking unattractive. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Is this what they think 'fun' is? Cos it looks horrible.
I used to really hate alcohol and drinking as a thing, but I've since determined that position to be one of hypocrisy. I have vices too; they're just different vices. And they can turn me into just as big an asshat, let me tell you :P I can play Mario Kart for hours and hours and hours, and by the end of it, I can be really really mad cos I keep losing races, or get hit by items. I'll yell at the screen, question the game's logic, but continue to play it cos I just have to beat these assholes! But if I just play it for a little while, or play it with friends, that never happens. And when I stop playing after a bad session, my bad mood goes away fairly quickly. It's more the way I'm playing the game, rather than the game itself. In the same manner, it's the way these people are consuming alcohol that baffles me, not the fact that they drink.
And I get why people drink: it's social lubricant. People find it hard to socialise, so we found this thing which makes that activity easier, and we centre a whole bunch of social activities around it. Makes it easier to talk to people, loosens you up a bit—fair enough, right? But at what point in that equation does the "turn yourself into a cunt" part kick in? At least when I get mad at Mario Kart, I'm at home alone, so the only person affected by what's going on is me. When you drink to excess in public, you impair all your cognitive functions, and behave like a giant dickhead to everyone around you. It's just so totally fucking stupid, I can't even.
It makes me wonder what weed is like. I'm far more privy to weed than alcohol at this point. Alcohol has, like, one thing going for it (makes it easier to talk to people, which I find hard); weed could have lots of things going for it, for all I know :P If you put any type of booze in front of me, I'll just nope the fuck away from it. But if someone was to put a hash brownie in front of me... I dunno. I mean, it's a brownie, right? Those are chocolate, right? I'm always up for chocolate—at least the thing tastes nice, unlike alcohol which, from what I've heard, tastes awful but you drink it anyway... *huge shrug*. And the drug inside doesn't suck as much. Not that I'm gonna go looking for weed, or start hanging out with stoners just to learn about weed third-hand, but in the unlikely event that it shows up, I'll be infinitely more willing to try it than alcohol.
I also noticed quite a few couples there. I've always wondered what it'd be like to go to something like that with a partner. My ex invited me to an engagement party when we went out, but I said no, probably cos of the food thing which I wouldn't want to have to explain. I wonder what that would've been like. I don't regret not going (what's the point, right?), but that doesn't stop the curiosity. Just the thought of sitting with my girlfriend, arm around her, just relaxing: even that's nice. Almost like a "we don't need these people—we just need each other" kind of thing :)
I also thought about meeting chicks at these kinds of things (this sparked a lot of material writing). Given the presence of booze, I don't think I'll ever meet a woman I'm attracted to at something like this. If anything, I'd be looking for the girl sitting in the corner, head buried in her 3DS, just as bored out of her mind as I am. Man, that'd be so fucking cool. See a nerdy chick in the corner, not dressed for the occasion, not talking to anyone, just sitting there playing Pokemon, looking all alone... and cute :3 I would totally cold-approach a girl like that, and I don't cold-approach anyone.
:O they should have an app for that! They should have an app for that shit! You put it on your phone, and you activate it when you go to any social event where you know you won't fit in. It gives you an alert when anyone else who's activated the same app is within a certain radius, telling you where they are. Then you can go meet other people who share your pain, and bitch about how stupid everyone else is, then talk about internet fandoms or whatever. Get on this, developers!
yes i know it'd only work if a shitload of anti-social people had the app but fuck you my fantasies are perfect
But when we left the wedding and went to the groom's parent's place, I just wanted to go home. I did not want to stay there for an extra two hours. I wanted to go to my room and sleep. I was tired (though I'm not tired now cos I want to fucking vent :P), and I wanted rest cos I have to work on an essay tomorrow cos it's due on Tuesday (I'm seeing an friend from school on Monday while she's in town, and I have class all day Tuesday); and I was also extremely bored at that stage.
Even without those prerogatives, though, I would have wanted to go home anyway. I was getting legitimately angry at the fact that I couldn't leave until my mum wanted to leave. I wasn't angry at her necessarily—I was just mad I couldn't go anywhere. Truth be told, it's technically my fault cos I'm still on my L's, meaning I couldn't take the car (it's not like I would have been drinking :P), but that didn't stop me from being mad. I didn't snap at anyone or do anything rash, but I was about ready to punch a wall by the time I got home. I've never really felt that way before: bored, definitely, but not angry. It's always been "I want to go home... I want to go home... I want to go home... :(", not "I want to go home I want to go home I want to go home jesus fucking christ why am I not home yet fuck this shit I WANT TO GO HOME >.<"
Speaking of drinking, just... goddamn it. I don't get it. I just don't. I don't want to drink, and haven't really for as long as I can remember (even if am curious as to what drunkenness is actually like), but every time I go to one of these family gatherings, I somehow want to drink even less than I already don't. Where is the fucking appeal in turning yourself into a moron? Where is the appeal in that? Where? I just don't fucking see it! And I know this isn't just people drinking—it's people drinking to excess—but it's so fucking unattractive. Why would anyone do this to themselves? Is this what they think 'fun' is? Cos it looks horrible.
I used to really hate alcohol and drinking as a thing, but I've since determined that position to be one of hypocrisy. I have vices too; they're just different vices. And they can turn me into just as big an asshat, let me tell you :P I can play Mario Kart for hours and hours and hours, and by the end of it, I can be really really mad cos I keep losing races, or get hit by items. I'll yell at the screen, question the game's logic, but continue to play it cos I just have to beat these assholes! But if I just play it for a little while, or play it with friends, that never happens. And when I stop playing after a bad session, my bad mood goes away fairly quickly. It's more the way I'm playing the game, rather than the game itself. In the same manner, it's the way these people are consuming alcohol that baffles me, not the fact that they drink.
And I get why people drink: it's social lubricant. People find it hard to socialise, so we found this thing which makes that activity easier, and we centre a whole bunch of social activities around it. Makes it easier to talk to people, loosens you up a bit—fair enough, right? But at what point in that equation does the "turn yourself into a cunt" part kick in? At least when I get mad at Mario Kart, I'm at home alone, so the only person affected by what's going on is me. When you drink to excess in public, you impair all your cognitive functions, and behave like a giant dickhead to everyone around you. It's just so totally fucking stupid, I can't even.
It makes me wonder what weed is like. I'm far more privy to weed than alcohol at this point. Alcohol has, like, one thing going for it (makes it easier to talk to people, which I find hard); weed could have lots of things going for it, for all I know :P If you put any type of booze in front of me, I'll just nope the fuck away from it. But if someone was to put a hash brownie in front of me... I dunno. I mean, it's a brownie, right? Those are chocolate, right? I'm always up for chocolate—at least the thing tastes nice, unlike alcohol which, from what I've heard, tastes awful but you drink it anyway... *huge shrug*. And the drug inside doesn't suck as much. Not that I'm gonna go looking for weed, or start hanging out with stoners just to learn about weed third-hand, but in the unlikely event that it shows up, I'll be infinitely more willing to try it than alcohol.
I also noticed quite a few couples there. I've always wondered what it'd be like to go to something like that with a partner. My ex invited me to an engagement party when we went out, but I said no, probably cos of the food thing which I wouldn't want to have to explain. I wonder what that would've been like. I don't regret not going (what's the point, right?), but that doesn't stop the curiosity. Just the thought of sitting with my girlfriend, arm around her, just relaxing: even that's nice. Almost like a "we don't need these people—we just need each other" kind of thing :)
I also thought about meeting chicks at these kinds of things (this sparked a lot of material writing). Given the presence of booze, I don't think I'll ever meet a woman I'm attracted to at something like this. If anything, I'd be looking for the girl sitting in the corner, head buried in her 3DS, just as bored out of her mind as I am. Man, that'd be so fucking cool. See a nerdy chick in the corner, not dressed for the occasion, not talking to anyone, just sitting there playing Pokemon, looking all alone... and cute :3 I would totally cold-approach a girl like that, and I don't cold-approach anyone.
:O they should have an app for that! They should have an app for that shit! You put it on your phone, and you activate it when you go to any social event where you know you won't fit in. It gives you an alert when anyone else who's activated the same app is within a certain radius, telling you where they are. Then you can go meet other people who share your pain, and bitch about how stupid everyone else is, then talk about internet fandoms or whatever. Get on this, developers!
yes i know it'd only work if a shitload of anti-social people had the app but fuck you my fantasies are perfect
Wednesday, 17 September 2014
Food & Friends
Wanted to write about a few things. Having three essays due in a two week period pisses me off. But such is life in the humanities.
I've been wondering a lot more about other things, very distracting things, in fact. First off, I've been contemplating my feelings toward food, and the reasons for my strange eating habits. I think I finally found a way to properly describe how I feel about it all, something I don't think I've had before; and a problem well-defined is a problem half solved, as they say.
Basically, imagine the most disgusting, rancid food you can think of. It looks awful, it smells awful, and you definitely would not eat it--but you also know other people eat it, even some who love it. You know you can buy it in a supermarket; you know it's got ingredients in it that, on their own, you're fine with; you even know friend and family who eat it on a regular basis. But to you, it's so repugnant that you would never indulge in it, not without being forced to do so. That's how I feel about pretty much everything the average person eats, particularly meat and vegetables. Bread and fruit look okay, for the most part, but they're still kinda scary. Meat and vegetables, on the other hand, are just awful.
I don't like that mindset, and wish I could change it, but it's been ingrained in me for so long that it seems beyond repair at this stage. It's such a central issue, though; it's the root cause of a lot of other problems, so to fix this would be to half-fix a lot of other shit. And part of me wants that change, but it's not enough to get me to do anything.
Like, today, I was in a tutorial, and I looked around at people's arms, comparing them to my own. I have no desire to bulk up or become super-strong; I just want arms that don't look like a skeleton wrapped in skin :P No one else I looked at had arms as skinny as mine. I mean, no one's ever said to me "my god your arms are skinny!" out of the blue, but I still look at them and go "...these could look way better". And I know that changing my eating habits would give me a bit more bulk, a bit more substance to my body.
Though I don't think I look ugly or repulsive, I honestly, sincerely doubt that anyone does (or can) find me physically attractive, not in the sense that they want to actually explore my body. It's not the only reason I wanna change my eating habits--it goes without saying I'd be a lot fucking healthier :P--but I seriously wanna look a little better than I currently do. I want to have that experience where a woman sees me and wants me, but it's hard to expect any girl to feel that way about me when I look so much younger and less mature than I actually am. And every time I become interested in a girl, the food thing is usually one of the biggest obstacles as far as confidence is concerned, cos I can't imagine any woman really being OK with it. I don't know if the rest of my personality makes up for what I lack physically and diet-wise. I know I can approach women if I like them enough anyway, cos the butterflies in my stomach are really good at instilling confidence, but I think if that I ate properly, it wouldn't take as much to get me to approach cos there'd be less anxiety getting in the way.
I've even thought about doing a little exercise, just some cardio cos I like to walk/run (I actually kinda used to exercise, sprinting home from high school to see how quickly I could get home with my backpack and heavy-ass laptop slowing me down :P), but without the fuel to facilitate the growth, it's not practical. If I try to exercise now, with what I currently eat, I'll just burn up what little fuel I already have that's keeping me awake. But if I ate properly, that regime would be possible to implement. Again, I've no interest in going to a gym and lifting weights or any shit like that--I'm a nerd, for fuck's sake :P--but I'd at least like to look average, cos right now, I'm a walking skeleton. Fairly sure most chicks aren't into that :P
I wouldn't even know where to begin with it, were I to decide to change. I'm fairly sure I'd need professional help. I know I can rely on my friends for support--it's certainly an admirable goal--but the perspective is so ingrained, and long-term battles aren't my forte. Haven't felt this much desire to change before, that's for certain--a good sign :)
I was also wondering about my friends a little. First off, my best friend is overseas now--it's the first time in a long time I've had my closest friend that distant. So far, it's no biggie, cos she's only been over there for ten days or so. I was worried before she left that I was gonna feel lonely, but it's not like we saw each other in person every other day or some shit, so that hasn't happened, at least not yet. We'll probably end up Skyping in the future, which will be fun, cos I haven't really Skyped before (did some webcamming with my ex over MSN, but that consisted of nothing but me looking into the lens to get her to laugh :P).
And I want her to have fun over there! I don't want her over there going "I hope he doesn't miss me too much". I want her to do all sorts of crazy shit, make the most of her time, with no more regard for me than she'd otherwise have. I just don't want to sit here counting down the days until she comes home cos I'm aching to see her again.
And though it seems like nothing, she referred to me as her 'best friend' at some point recently (I don't remember exactly where). She's by far my closest friend, and I've called her my best friend quite a few times, but though I knew I was up there on her list, I wasn't sure how high up. I've had close friends over the years, but they usually dwindled for one reason or another (relationships, moving overseas, school work, etc.)--the identity of my 'best friend' changed multiple times over the last two years of high school and my first year of uni. But this feels really cemented, especially with verbal confirmation on her end, and I'm happy about that, to know I have such a good friend who I can rely on :) As I said, it seems like nothing, but it's something to me.
There's also another friend I have who I'm just... up in the air about. She's probably the furthest connection I have--one of the least-close friendships I actively maintain (if you can even say 'actively'). I don't doubt her as a friend; I just wonder how close the friendship actually is, and if it could even possibly be any closer.
Cos we never really talk to each other--the only means of communication we have are our blogs. I know she blogs for plenty of reasons other than me (in fact, I very much doubt she blogs so she can talk to me specifically :P), but though I blog for all kinds of reasons too, sometimes I do publish posts at least partially so she can see them, cos it's literally the only avenue of communication we have at this point.
But is it really an avenue of communication? Or am I just throwing information into a void? I don't know anymore. I know for certain she used to read my blog--she even said she had me in her thoughts back in February for that 21st I went to, which was totally unexpected. I like the rare occasions when we comment on each other's stuff. But that rarity is just... weird. It's like having a conversation with someone where each person speaks once every few months.
And she posted recently about being busy, doing uni work, having a crush, etc.--stuff I can relate to! I mean, most people can relate to that stuff, but that doesn't take away from the relation, surely; it's still something to talk about, right? So I thought "hey, I should post a comment!", but then didn't quite know what to say. I know I can relate, but is that enough reason to say something? Does she care that I can relate? She doesn't often reply to comments (something even my best friend, who's closer to her than I am, confirmed, meaning it's not the fact it's me leaving comments), so I'm often left wondering what the hell she even thought of what I said. I remember leaving a pretty long comment ages ago, something to do with being funny and making jokes (if there's anyone who can fuckin' talk about that, it's me :P), and didn't get a reply. I wondered for ages "well, did it help you? Or should I just not bother in future?"
I dunno. It just feels like an under-maintained friendship, I guess, maybe because we're not that similar, maybe cos we just don't interact much.
EDIT: upon further reflection, I've realised I could technically say this about multiple friendships of mine. The only reason this particular case sticks out is because while I do get to hear about what the person does, it's in a more impersonal way (from a blog rather than in a conversation), whereas with my other friends, while I interact with them only a little more frequently, it's almost always conversational. I could really talk to all my friends online more than I currently do. /EDIT
Back on positive notes, I've also started to talk more with one of the people I met at that sleepover I went to in February. He's starting most of the conversations, so that's a good sign: I'm cool to talk with and other people want to talk to me enough that they'll say 'hi' of their own accord :) I'm really bad at that (perhaps explaining my previous dilemma): I almost never say 'hi' to people. It's like a pattern: I'm almost always on the receiving end, so to start convos myself feels like I'm breaking a pattern, like the other person's gonna go "he never says 'hi'... he's up to somethin." I know there are plenty of people I could start convos with and it wouldn't matter, cos they wouldn't think that at all; but there are at least a couple of people where, though I'd like to talk to them, it seems too out of place to start the convo.
Enough typing for me. Must get back to works.
I've been wondering a lot more about other things, very distracting things, in fact. First off, I've been contemplating my feelings toward food, and the reasons for my strange eating habits. I think I finally found a way to properly describe how I feel about it all, something I don't think I've had before; and a problem well-defined is a problem half solved, as they say.
Basically, imagine the most disgusting, rancid food you can think of. It looks awful, it smells awful, and you definitely would not eat it--but you also know other people eat it, even some who love it. You know you can buy it in a supermarket; you know it's got ingredients in it that, on their own, you're fine with; you even know friend and family who eat it on a regular basis. But to you, it's so repugnant that you would never indulge in it, not without being forced to do so. That's how I feel about pretty much everything the average person eats, particularly meat and vegetables. Bread and fruit look okay, for the most part, but they're still kinda scary. Meat and vegetables, on the other hand, are just awful.
I don't like that mindset, and wish I could change it, but it's been ingrained in me for so long that it seems beyond repair at this stage. It's such a central issue, though; it's the root cause of a lot of other problems, so to fix this would be to half-fix a lot of other shit. And part of me wants that change, but it's not enough to get me to do anything.
Like, today, I was in a tutorial, and I looked around at people's arms, comparing them to my own. I have no desire to bulk up or become super-strong; I just want arms that don't look like a skeleton wrapped in skin :P No one else I looked at had arms as skinny as mine. I mean, no one's ever said to me "my god your arms are skinny!" out of the blue, but I still look at them and go "...these could look way better". And I know that changing my eating habits would give me a bit more bulk, a bit more substance to my body.
Though I don't think I look ugly or repulsive, I honestly, sincerely doubt that anyone does (or can) find me physically attractive, not in the sense that they want to actually explore my body. It's not the only reason I wanna change my eating habits--it goes without saying I'd be a lot fucking healthier :P--but I seriously wanna look a little better than I currently do. I want to have that experience where a woman sees me and wants me, but it's hard to expect any girl to feel that way about me when I look so much younger and less mature than I actually am. And every time I become interested in a girl, the food thing is usually one of the biggest obstacles as far as confidence is concerned, cos I can't imagine any woman really being OK with it. I don't know if the rest of my personality makes up for what I lack physically and diet-wise. I know I can approach women if I like them enough anyway, cos the butterflies in my stomach are really good at instilling confidence, but I think if that I ate properly, it wouldn't take as much to get me to approach cos there'd be less anxiety getting in the way.
I've even thought about doing a little exercise, just some cardio cos I like to walk/run (I actually kinda used to exercise, sprinting home from high school to see how quickly I could get home with my backpack and heavy-ass laptop slowing me down :P), but without the fuel to facilitate the growth, it's not practical. If I try to exercise now, with what I currently eat, I'll just burn up what little fuel I already have that's keeping me awake. But if I ate properly, that regime would be possible to implement. Again, I've no interest in going to a gym and lifting weights or any shit like that--I'm a nerd, for fuck's sake :P--but I'd at least like to look average, cos right now, I'm a walking skeleton. Fairly sure most chicks aren't into that :P
I wouldn't even know where to begin with it, were I to decide to change. I'm fairly sure I'd need professional help. I know I can rely on my friends for support--it's certainly an admirable goal--but the perspective is so ingrained, and long-term battles aren't my forte. Haven't felt this much desire to change before, that's for certain--a good sign :)
I was also wondering about my friends a little. First off, my best friend is overseas now--it's the first time in a long time I've had my closest friend that distant. So far, it's no biggie, cos she's only been over there for ten days or so. I was worried before she left that I was gonna feel lonely, but it's not like we saw each other in person every other day or some shit, so that hasn't happened, at least not yet. We'll probably end up Skyping in the future, which will be fun, cos I haven't really Skyped before (did some webcamming with my ex over MSN, but that consisted of nothing but me looking into the lens to get her to laugh :P).
And I want her to have fun over there! I don't want her over there going "I hope he doesn't miss me too much". I want her to do all sorts of crazy shit, make the most of her time, with no more regard for me than she'd otherwise have. I just don't want to sit here counting down the days until she comes home cos I'm aching to see her again.
And though it seems like nothing, she referred to me as her 'best friend' at some point recently (I don't remember exactly where). She's by far my closest friend, and I've called her my best friend quite a few times, but though I knew I was up there on her list, I wasn't sure how high up. I've had close friends over the years, but they usually dwindled for one reason or another (relationships, moving overseas, school work, etc.)--the identity of my 'best friend' changed multiple times over the last two years of high school and my first year of uni. But this feels really cemented, especially with verbal confirmation on her end, and I'm happy about that, to know I have such a good friend who I can rely on :) As I said, it seems like nothing, but it's something to me.
There's also another friend I have who I'm just... up in the air about. She's probably the furthest connection I have--one of the least-close friendships I actively maintain (if you can even say 'actively'). I don't doubt her as a friend; I just wonder how close the friendship actually is, and if it could even possibly be any closer.
Cos we never really talk to each other--the only means of communication we have are our blogs. I know she blogs for plenty of reasons other than me (in fact, I very much doubt she blogs so she can talk to me specifically :P), but though I blog for all kinds of reasons too, sometimes I do publish posts at least partially so she can see them, cos it's literally the only avenue of communication we have at this point.
But is it really an avenue of communication? Or am I just throwing information into a void? I don't know anymore. I know for certain she used to read my blog--she even said she had me in her thoughts back in February for that 21st I went to, which was totally unexpected. I like the rare occasions when we comment on each other's stuff. But that rarity is just... weird. It's like having a conversation with someone where each person speaks once every few months.
And she posted recently about being busy, doing uni work, having a crush, etc.--stuff I can relate to! I mean, most people can relate to that stuff, but that doesn't take away from the relation, surely; it's still something to talk about, right? So I thought "hey, I should post a comment!", but then didn't quite know what to say. I know I can relate, but is that enough reason to say something? Does she care that I can relate? She doesn't often reply to comments (something even my best friend, who's closer to her than I am, confirmed, meaning it's not the fact it's me leaving comments), so I'm often left wondering what the hell she even thought of what I said. I remember leaving a pretty long comment ages ago, something to do with being funny and making jokes (if there's anyone who can fuckin' talk about that, it's me :P), and didn't get a reply. I wondered for ages "well, did it help you? Or should I just not bother in future?"
I dunno. It just feels like an under-maintained friendship, I guess, maybe because we're not that similar, maybe cos we just don't interact much.
EDIT: upon further reflection, I've realised I could technically say this about multiple friendships of mine. The only reason this particular case sticks out is because while I do get to hear about what the person does, it's in a more impersonal way (from a blog rather than in a conversation), whereas with my other friends, while I interact with them only a little more frequently, it's almost always conversational. I could really talk to all my friends online more than I currently do. /EDIT
Back on positive notes, I've also started to talk more with one of the people I met at that sleepover I went to in February. He's starting most of the conversations, so that's a good sign: I'm cool to talk with and other people want to talk to me enough that they'll say 'hi' of their own accord :) I'm really bad at that (perhaps explaining my previous dilemma): I almost never say 'hi' to people. It's like a pattern: I'm almost always on the receiving end, so to start convos myself feels like I'm breaking a pattern, like the other person's gonna go "he never says 'hi'... he's up to somethin." I know there are plenty of people I could start convos with and it wouldn't matter, cos they wouldn't think that at all; but there are at least a couple of people where, though I'd like to talk to them, it seems too out of place to start the convo.
Enough typing for me. Must get back to works.
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