Bombardment: It's All Happening at Once

There are so many things I could write about right now. There are two things in particular, two closely related things, that I'd love to write about, but I really can't, at least not yet. I also don't really want to splurge all the info onto the internet where anyone can read it—a synopsis, perhaps, but not every last detail. The two situations do conflict with each other, and one situation is definitely going to be difficult to deal with, but I think that one's more likely to go well in the long run. The other situation is up in the air, though, with any luck, it will be slightly clearer within a few days. I can't talk about either situation in any more detail than that without risking the dissemination of info that may compromise either one (even if such a compromise is extremely unlikely). I've talked with my best friend about it all, so it's not something I can't talk about or don't want to talk about, but I don't want it out in public, and I don't think it needs to be out in public either, really. You may hear about each situation later on in some detail, but certainly not yet. All I can really say for now is that both situations have surprised me and have led me to do things I'd usually be scared of doing—I'm definitely making progress :)

Something I can talk about is an event the uni gaming society held recently. The event was basically a console event where people could bring their own consoles to play with, as well as play on the uni's consoles. Unfortunately, it was not very well timed (right before the Easter long weekend), nor was it very well advertised, so the event only had about twelve people down as guests, myself included. I was excited nonetheless, as I love bringing my hardware to play with people.

I originally wanted to being my Wii U, my Nintendo 64, and my monitor to use as a TV, as well as all the controllers for each one. The N64 controllers are oddly shaped and bulky as all hell, while the Wii U has so many different controllers and peripherals that it's difficult to get them all into a bag. And I was gonna have to carry all this stuff by myself: I have no licence, much less a car to drive. I ended up ditching the N64 because my monitor doesn't support composite input, which would've meant having to bring my DVD recorder to convert the composite signal to a component signal just so I could hook it up to the screen. Fuck carrying a huge-ass box just to convert a signal :P

I eventually settled on just bringing the Wii U and the monitor. To give you an idea of just how many peripherals the Wii U has (and I don't even own all the different types, mind you :P), it took two laptop bags to hold everything. I could've stuffed it all into the bigger bag, but I risked tearing the bag due to overstuffing or the sheer weight of it all. I then put the bags over my shoulder and carried the monitor in my hands to the bus stop. The monitor isn't light, either; it's an older LCD panel, and it has built-in speakers, so it's bulky compared to newer screens. It was so heavy that when I got to the bus stop and put it down, my arms felt like they weren't there. But I did it! My puny-ass muscles carried that sonofabitch for ten minutes without putting it down once.

I eventually got to uni with my stuff and went to the TV area, where the uni's consoles are. There weren't any tables set up or anything, so I was kinda confused. They were holding a PC event on the same day, so I went and spoke to them, and eventually, a few people showed up to organise the console dealie. I was given a table and a powerboard, so I set my stuff up while they got CoD and Halo running on the uni TV's. There were only one or two other people there for the event when it started (compared to the PC event which had about ten people there when I walked in the room), but I figured more would show up as the day went on.

Even though I feared a low turnout, I figured I should put 4 seats in front of the TV, so others could sit down with me. I'd brought hardware to previous gaming meet-ups and had almost no one play with me, and I figured putting seats there might increase the chances of some multiplayer happening, even if the chances of that were low. Turns out that was the best decision I made all day, cos people did show up and did play with me! Hooray! It was mainly the same people for most of the day, but some people dropped in later on, dropping out when they had to leave. I think I ended up playing with about six other people, mainly playing Smash Bros., but also playing some Mario Kart. I'm not really into Smash, but everyone else there seems to really like it (and I do mean everyone :P) so as a good host, I obliged. One guy even had a Gamecube controller in his bag, like it's something he just has with him at all times just in case there's a game of Smash happening :P

And not only did people play on my console, people pretty much only played on my console—I don't think there were many people, if any, who played CoD or Halo on the other TV's, at least not for very long. The TV room was deserted, while I had people playing with me the entire time I was there, save for the first ten minutes after I set stuff up. Granted, Smash Bros. is a crowd pleaser (as I said, everyone seems to fucking love it for some reason :P), but I was surprised I managed to draw everyone so successfully.

Also, it was way more successful on a social level than the meet-up thing I went to earlier in the term. I was never nervous, I conversed with people, I learned some names, and I think I did fairly well at managing the games and the hardware, making sure everyone had what they needed and everything. It became a little difficult later on as the group got bigger, cos it seemed like everyone there knew each other and I was the odd one out, but I was never totally excluded or anything. I didn't really make any new friends, but I made way more of an impression this time round, so perhaps if they do another console thing, or any other gaming thing, I'll recognise them (or they'll recognise me) and it can go from there. It made carting all that shit there totally worth it :D

Getting home was a bit annoying cos after I packed everything up, it started raining, which eventually turned into a thunderstorm. If there's one thing you don't wanna be doing in a rainy thunderstorm, it's carrying a fucking monitor :P  Thankfully, I had a plastic poncho (an aptly named 'emergency poncho') to wrap the monitor up in, so I was good there. While I waited for the rain to subside a bit so I could get to the bus stop without getting totally drowned, one of the gaming society representatives apologised for the poor organisation and said that he hoped the next one would be better (as I said, shit timing + no advertising = ghost town). I hope so too.

If there's one other thing I'd be willing to bitch about, it'd be the relative lack of interest in Mario Kart. Not that it's anyone's fault—no one's obliged to be interested in Mario Kart. It's just that I love Mario Kart, in the same way that all the others seem to love Smash: I play it all the time, I know it back-to-front, I get competitive, and I like fierce competition. There just doesn't seem to be a community for it at uni. They have a Mario Kart tourney at the annual convention they hold, and it does draw people, but the Smash community is so big that they have their own separate meet-ups and everything. I'd love to cultivate more interest in Mario Kart if I could, but I don't really know if I can. I'd be more than happy to bring along hardware, organise tourneys, play different versions each time, or even play different racing games alongside Mario Kart if people wanted. But if the interest isn't there, then it won't happen. Oh well.

Introductions: What Do?

So I went to the meet-and-greet thing held by the gaming association at my uni. Things went pear-shaped before I even arrived cos it turns out I wrote the time down incorrectly on my calendar, thus showing up half-an-hour after the thing started. I didn't think I'd missed anything important, though.

When I got there, I walked into the room the people were in and saw them setting up some TV's and consoles. There were some people on laptops playing MMO's, but most people there seemed to be console folk, which is what I am, at least mostly. I do play PC games alongside console games, but the PC folk in the organisation seem to mainly focus on League of Legends and DOTA, two games I could not possibly give less of a fuck about :P  Console-wise, they were setting up for a Smash Bros. tourney, which wasn't too surprising. Smash is one of those games I do play, but only casually. These people, though... definitely not casuals :P  There's a fairly active competitive scene in the group, it seems. Fighting games just aren't my thing, so I couldn't get in on that.

But alas, what's that I hear? "Mario Kart's set up over here, guys!" Mario Kart? That's my jam! I'm totally up for some Mario Kart right about now! Fuck yes, let's go play Mario Kart. They had Mario Kart 64 set up on a projector screen, away from the Smash Bros peeps, but still in the same room. I walk on over and pick up a controller, along with three other people.

The fact that it was Mario Kart 64 makes things a little odd. Most people haven't picked up a Nintendo 64 controller in fuckin' ages; I, on the other hand, have one sitting in my entertainment unit cos I wuv it ^_^  Most people haven't played any iteration of Mario Kart in a long time, much less one that came out in 1996; I haven't played it in a while either, but I've played it so much that I know it like the back of my own hand regardless. On one hand, this is good: people were asking what the controls were, and I was answering each time, cos I was seemingly the only one who knew. Any time a question about the game came up, I could answer with confidence, cos, as I said, this is my jam right here. It gave me a chance to talk, which was invaluable at the time. On the other hand, I knew in advance that because they didn't even know the controls, much less anything else about the game, I wasn't gonna face any stiff competition. The reason that's bad is because when one person wins a game over and over again, it can make the others feel kinda shitty. It's not like I wanna rub it in people's faces that I'm good at the game, but I'm not gonna go easy on people cos that's fuckin' patronising. Thankfully, people seemed to have fun regardless, and I was too! It was a little awkward cos I didn't know the people playing with me, but it didn't matter. Good times were had :)

It's weird, though: they have a huge competitive Smash scene, yet there's not one person there who's into Mario Kart like I am, at least not to my knowledge. This must be fixed :P



Anyway, once people left Mario Kart, I went to watch the Smash tourney which was under way. At this point, I should clarify that I haven't really 'introduced' myself to anyone, not formally. No one there knows who I am, no one knows my name; I'm truly anonymous at this stage (though I am not legion, and I forget shit all the time). Everyone else, however, seemed to know at least one other person there. People were speaking to each other, clearly because they already know each other. I, on the other hand, was just... there. And granted, Smash isn't something I'm into like these people, but I watched anyway cos it's still fun to see players exhibit skill, even if I don't fully understand the mechanics of what they're doing. It didn't matter, though, cos I still felt awkward, like I didn't quite belong (go away Year 12 English no one likes you >.<). I didn't know what to say—what was there even to say? What the hell am I supposed to put forward when there's nothing to be said? The awkwardness was starting to take its toll on me, and self-confidence was fleeting, especially compared to how I was doing when playing Mario Kart.



Not long after the Smash tourney finished, they started a Halo 3 tourney. I haven't played Halo in ages, but I know I'm not totally awful at it, so I enter. They're holding this one in a totally different area, so I go there with the others. Once I get there, though I'm in a different room, the environment is identical: people who already know each other speaking with one another, while I'm there along not able to join in. I'm also nervous at this point cos I'm waiting for my name to be called for whichever round I'm in, not wishing to make things difficult for the organisers by missing my round (which always happens at these fuckin' things, cos people are all over the joint playing multiple things at once :P).

Anyway, as they played, I sat and watched. As I watched the first round, I started to feel more dejected as I realised that while this is supposed to be a meet-and-greet, I had neither met nor greeted anyone for the entire time I'd been there. I'd spoken to people, that's true—I haven't stayed in my shell and avoided people or anything—but I hadn't made any lasting impressions. I haven't shaken anyone's hand, or told anyone my name (apart to sign up for the tourney), or learned about anyone new. I eventually played my round of Halo, somehow managing to win (my opponents seemed about as unfamiliar with the game as me, lol), but I hardly opened my mouth the entire round.

Eventually, pizza arrived, so everyone flocked to get some. I thought "well, going over there isn't gonna do you any favours, cos you'll just be asked over and over again a) if you'd like any food, and b) why your answer to that question is 'no' :P". So I stayed in the console area. I felt shitty at this point: although I didn't expect to meet a bajillion people or befriend people instantaneously, I did expect to at least learn some names and chat a little bit. I didn't think it was much to ask of myself, but it evidently was.

I felt much the same as I played the final round of Halo with the people who'd won the other rounds. I only cracked, like, one joke the whole time—Mario Kart Wii was on in the background, the menu music playing at full blast, so I was like "this is my favourite song from the Halo 3 soundtrack". And even then, I thought of that joke five-to-ten minutes before I told it, cos I was so goddamn nervous the whole time. I said hardly anything during the match itself, save for the odd expletive whenever I got killed. After that was over, we played a few more rounds for fun, but we eventually had to leave cos the janitor wanted to lock the place up. As I walked home, I didn't regret going or anything, but I was a little disappointed at myself.

And you know how I said I arrived half-an-hour late, and didn't think I'd missed anything important? Their event page said people should arrive early so they can meet and greet people. The 'meet-and-greet' part formally ended before I even got there. While that doesn't mean it was impossible to meet other people while I was there, the part they put aside specifically for that—the part where it would have been easy to meet people—was the one part I missed. God fucking damnit :P



I've said it before, and I'll say it again: introductions are a cunt of a thing for me. They are a peak to which I simply cannot ascend. What's bizzare is that everything after that point is so easy now! It's not a cakewalk, but it's way easier than it was before, that's for sure. Last year, I wrote about how I met a guy in a tutorial at uni at one of those 'talk to the person next to you' dealies that teachers like to spring on you in the first class of the semester. I usually dread these things, and this was no exception. But as soon as turned to my left, learned his name, told him mine, and shook his hand, the awkwardness was almost entirely gone. I could actually talk to him, and listen to him, and joke with him. A year or two ago, that wouldn't have happened, at least not so quickly. So I've clearly made progress on the social front. Problem is, there are still parts of it where I've made no progress.

Basically, if you presented the process of a friendship on a timeline, the beginning being introductions, and the end being its developed form, I've worked my way from the middle outwards. The stuff on the far-end (being really close to someone, having a best friend, etc.) has come along nicely, and the stuff towards the beginning (talking to people I've only just met, being around strangers, etc.) is also getting easier and easier. But the very beginning of the timeline—meeting people—is still uncharted. There's that small bit between not knowing someone at all, and having started talking to them, which I just can't grasp. It's not something I'm not good at; it's something I can't do it at all. I can't even picture myself doing it.



As hopeless as I may have felt at certain points during the evening, I'd still like to get involved with these guys, particularly on the organisation side of things. Part of me doesn't want to disturb them cos they already have a body of people organising stuff for consoles, but I have my own ideas I'd like to put forward. Like, I'd love to host a Mario Kart: Double Dash!! tourney sometime, purely because it's Mario Kart with co-op. My best friend and I play it together (I drive, she shoots), and it's hella fun. And I've watched tourneys online with teams of two competing against each other: shit gets hectic. I think it'd be interesting enough to gain traction, but not so different that it alienates people. And on top of all that, people will have to team up, so it'd be a good way to get people meeting other people, provided the teams were random. There are a few other games I think would be good to play in tourneys (Timesplitters, Mario Party, Tetris Party/NullpoMino), as well as some games that'd be good to try in any format cos they're just different (Nintendo Land, Boom Street, Fibbage). How bizzare: I suck at introducing people myself, but I can easily come up with ways for other people to meet each other :P

And I know it's strange to want to take the initiative required to organise things, while not having the initiative required to introduce myself to people (at least not without the held of a third party), but I can see myself organising this shit. I can imagine it. I've gone over explaining the rules for Double Dash!! heaps of times in my head just for the fun of it, to find the most efficient way to explain how it works. I can picture sitting beside a group playing Boom Street, explaining all the intricacies of the game. And the reason for that is because at that point, I'd have already been introduced to them. I'm not 100% sure how I can offer these ideas to them, seeing as I have no idea how their internal structure works, but I want to find a way, believe me. They also do games each week on Tuesday afternoons, which is fucking perfect cos I have a huge break on Tuesdays. Maybe then I'll find some more Mario Kart people :P

Also, if I had trouble meeting people at an event full of gamers, full of people like me, how hard will it be for me to meet people at events outside my comfort zone? That was one of the main reasons why I felt the way I did: cos I knew that if this was hard, anything more difficult than this would be fucking brutal. I can't picture myself meeting people at bars, clubs, parties, etc. either. Ironically, the one thing I can picture is meeting a girl, cos you can just look at one and tell if they reciprocate pretty much immediately by their reaction. I can picture myself looking at a girl dancing, having her smile or something, and walking up to her—even though it seems more dangerous, at least the process there is clear and makes sense. The process for all other introductions, however, is beyond me.

And that's what it is: it's a process. You intake the variables of the environment and the people, you process them, and you decide how to act. Sociable people and extroverts do this without even thinking about it, cos they've had a lot of practice. There is a process; I just don't know what it is. There is a socially acceptable way to do what I want to do here; I'm just not aware of it. Cos it's not like I'm sitting there wanting to isolate myself—I want to introduce myself to people, and I know it's not immoral or anything, but it never feels right. For the whole evening at the gaming meet-up, it just never felt appropriate to say anything. I hope I can find out why that is, cos I think that's key to making progress.

Blither-blather about gobbeldy gook

So, uni's back now. I have readings up the butt. Soooo many readings.

With regard to social possibilities, it's all over the place. On the plus side, the gaming society's having a meet-and-greet on the Wednesday after I perform (which I'll write about when the competition ends, at least for me :P). So that means I'll get to meet people and have something unique to talk about--pretty fuckin' good!

On the minus side, the other group I was considering, PhilSoc, only meet on Mondays, and the time they meet is during a tutorial I have. This tutorial is the most evil of all the tutorials I have ever enrolled in: it turned a 7 hour day with 5 hours of classes into a 7 hour day with 7 hours of classes in a fucking row. Fuck that shit. I've done 7-hour grinds before; by the end of it, you're barely able to process anything. I had to pick this tute because another subject I enrolled in was cancelled, and this was the only tute left because it was way past the time when tutes are organised. So along with making my Monday even more of a drainer than it already was, it's also prevented me from even being able to see what PhilSoc does. Thanks a lot, lone-wolf tutorial, you asshat.

But that may not be the only issue. Let's say for the sake of argument that there were no schedule conflicts, and that I could attend the meet-ups. This is what I originally thought, as I only discovered the correct dates for their activities moments ago. So what was the issue I faced before?

To explain that, I have to explain my studies. As far as I can tell, studying philosophy at uni can be split up into two sections: the content, and the process. The content is the arguments themselves and the philosophers they come from: what they argue for, their strengths, their weaknesses, their motives, the implications, etc. This is the stuff usually covered in lectures. The process is about how a student deals with arguments: deconstructing them, identifying and rectifying flaws, as well as making their own arguments and putting them forth in a discussion setting. This is what you deal with in tutes; it's also the reason why I don't like tutes. And seeing as PhilSoc meetings will have a similar discussion format (they seem to have a half-hour seminar followed by a half-hour discussion in smaller groups), it doesn't seem like the most appealing thing in the world.

I usually feel uncomfortable in philosophy tutes because I'm never sure of my own ideas, and thus live in constant fear of being asked to talk. It sounds weird coming from someone whose dream is to stand in front of hundreds of people only so he can spout his ideas at them, but the reasoning behind each activity is different. In comedy, I'm dealing with issues for laughs; accuracy can be important, but isn't the be all and end all. So long as you're funny, you're usually fine. In philosophy, being convincing is all that matters. Just cos I can make people laugh doesn't mean I can change their minds, nor does it mean I'm right about anything; it just means I can be funny. When I'm in tutes, I prefer to just listen and absorb--and if such passivity were permissible, I'd be totally comfortable in tutes. But no: you're expected to talk. Of course, this is the only way the tutor can assess you in tutes, so the thoughts I'm having in my head, as relevant as they may be, can't be assessed (I do think of things; I just don't say them). That's my fault, though, not the tutor's, so I don't care much.

So if I don't like tutes, why would I like PhilSoc seminars, given the discussion element? Well, for one thing, they're optional. Tutes, on the other hand, are mandatory. I'm not 100% sure if you can simply listen in during the talks rather than contributing, but it seems to be that if you make the effort to show up, people would expect you to talk anyway, cos choosing to attend implies a strong interest in the subject, and thus a strong inclination to participate. And I'm usually more inclined to do things when I don't have a metaphorical gun to the back of my head, which might help. Also, the group is aimed at students who don't necessarily study philosophy, so high-level skills aren't expected, and the topics also seem simpler and more general than those tackled in my classes. That may facilitate my talking in that it takes less time for me to do the analysis required to come up with something worth saying. But that's a maybe.

All in all, I'm not too disappointed that I can't go. I would go if I could, particularly cos the topics sound really interesting and appealing. Most of the topics I see in my subject outlines produce indifference on my part, with the occasional 'oh god, that's gonna be hard as fuck'; but these topics sound intriguing, like "What Makes a Good Philosopher"... well, what does? I don't know! And I'd like to know. I also can't really know the format of the meetings until I actually go; it may be nothing like my classes at all, so I must reserve judgement. Perhaps I'll go next semester! But I at least have the gaming stuff, which, while safer, is better than nothing.

Gotta go practice stand-up now; the RAW semi-finals are imminent. Toodles :)

Anxiety: Inverse

First off, something totally unrelated to what I'm gonna talk about below. In the previous entry, I mentioned an ever-increasing desire to hook up with a girl, because I wanted to experience what it felt like (as opposed to because I wanna sleep around regularly; I might hook up once and not do it again cos the curiosity's gone, you never know). I spoke about it as if my immediate desire to hook up had superceded my long-term desire to have a steady relationship—and it had, to be honest—but not long after I published that entry, I had a small internal dialogue:

...dude, what about cuddling?
Cuddling? Yeah, what about it?
Isn't it that thing you go on and on about every single fucking time you talk about going out with a girl? You mention it all the time——
Oh yeah! Cuddling! Holy shit, how could I forget that?
I know, right! And hand-holding?
Yyeeaahh, hand-holding! Man, that takes me back.
And that thing where you're dancing, looking each other in the eyes, and your arms go around her waist, and hers go around your neck, and you start kissing each other?
...isn't that something you only see in movies?
Well maybe, but it's still cute as fuck, right?
Oh yeah yeah, it's awesome. Seriously, what made me forget all this shit?
Your dick.

I basically forgot how much I enjoyed the physical side to my former relationship, and how much I'm looking forward to expanding on that the next time I'm dating. Hook-up sex appeals to me cos its spontaneous, it's quick and dirty, really 'in-the-moment', and that's definitely still enticing to me. But if I'm dating a girl, one I have feelings for (otherwise, why would I be dating her?), I'll want to be romantically intimate with her infinitely more than I'll want to be sexually intimate with any other woman.

Whether I first have sex via a one-night-stand or via dating, I still get mostly the same base experience: impressing girl, seeing naked girl, touching naked girl, having naked girl touch me, and having us sexually satisfy each other The only difference is the contexts in which these experiences occur. I think the hook-up context is sexier cos it's more of an "I wanna fuck you right now" rather than "yeah, eventually making love to you would be really sweet". It'd also feel more dangerous and thrilling cos I'd be fucking a stranger rather than a girl I'd been seeing for a while, and I'd feel more triumphant in convincing a girl to sleep with me cos I have less faith in my sex appeal & flirting ability than I do in my personality and conversational skills. But making love, being an expression of heartfelt desire rather than mere lust, will feel probably feel just as intense in its own way (and, with any luck, I'll get to do it over and over again rather than just once :P)

I don't know why it took me this many paragraphs to say "it really doesn't matter inside whom my dick goes first, so long as the girl in question wants it inside her", but there you have it :P  It'll be fun and exciting either way, and I'll probably get to experience both during my lifetime, content with whichever one comes my way as it does. Hopefully this subject can now come up less often in blogs, cos I talk about it a llloooottt and it's probably boring to most people reading :P

It's also relevant to me right now for a reason I'm not gonna bring up yet—and trust me, it's not what you think it is ;)



So, onto the main entry. I've had to deal with a little bit of anxiety lately, just little patches of it here and there. Anxiety about social things is a background issue for me, I guess. It used to be a foreground issue, because would directly stop me from taking risks and making social progress. Now it's more of a side-effect of actually taking said risks: after doing so, I can sometimes panic about what people's reactions will be, or if they'll react at all. I suppose it's because if I consider a possible outcome for an action, I usually follow it as far down the logical path as I can. And it's not like all the possible outcomes are good; they can be good, but they're usually bad. It's not such an issue that I think I need professional help or medication or anything, but it's definitely a thing I deal with from time to time.

Like a few days ago, I sent out invites for a meet-up in town to about six people. By the end of the day, I'd only got responses from two people, one of whom was the one who gave me the idea to set the event up in the first place. Simultaneously, I know that everyone's seen the invite, cos it says so right at the bottom of the message box. That kind of shit messes with my head, cos it leaves me wondering if I've pissed people off by sending the invites with too little notice, or if what I've suggested isn't fun or interesting.

I get that people may not immediately know if they can go, but I'm not wanting confirmation of availability so much as I'm wanting confirmation of interest. A simple " I'll let you know if I can go later on" would do wonders, fucking seriously. I don't wanna ask people for anymore than basic politeness, but to me, confirming interest is an act of politeness. It's a sentence, a mere sentence; it takes no more time to type that than it does to read the message. When people only respond the night before, the interim has me worried that people simply don't give a shit. And that's when the anxiety hits: when I come to the (false) conclusion that, no, what I've offered isn't really that enticing. Likewise, when people do respond, I get really happy and glad that I made the effort and organised what shall become a fun meet-up; that long-run reward is basically what's kept me doing this for as long as I have. But sometimes, that initial silence is more painful than seems reasonable.

Similarly, I left a comment on a friend's blog sometime ago—one of her relatives is going through a very tough time right now, which is hard on her too, so I figured I'd write something nice to try and cheer her up. I know full well I can't fix anything or comfort her for any extended period of time cos I'm too far removed from the situation (and it'd be rude to do so anyway cos it's none of my business), but I still wanted to at least try and make her feel a little better. I enjoy reading her replies when she gives them, cos we don't speak often and her perspective usually helps me evaluate my own, but I forgot to tick the little "notify" box which actually tells you when you get a reply (it really should be ticked by default imo). So I went back to check the post manually a few times, to see if she'd said anything. She hadn't, so I went on with whatever else I was doing. I checked again today for the hell of it (we've both previously delayed comments & replies for days at a time), and to my surprise, my comment was gone.

Comments don't disappear by themselves, not to my knowledge; and I'm 99.9% sure I wrote and posted this comment in real life, rather than posting in a dream (cos I totally dream about leaving comments on Blogger :P), or forgetting to click the 'post' button. So my first thought was "oh, it's been deleted". But why would she delete it? It's not like I said anything malicious or invasive. So then I'm left wondering if she thought it was insincere, like I wrote the comment with some ulterior motive, the comment being deleted so she didn't have to read my bullshit. It may also have been similar to some other comment I'd left previously (I vaguely remember commenting about her sick relative but honestly can't remember what I said). Now we're entering Conspiracy-Theory Land! What evidence is there of such deletion? None. Could've been an accident for all I know; it's happened before. And going through my emails, her responses to my comments are never vitriolic or hateful—they've pretty much always been nothing but kind and supportive—so it would be completely out of character for her to trash my comment in a blind rage.

I also worry about bringing this up here (or mentioning her, or other specific people, at all on this blog sometimes) and fear being seen as obsessive over something trivial, which may look suspicious. Basically, very fork in the chain of causation has the potential to lead to paranoia. It's really silly. I'm better at dealing with it now than I ever have been, because it's shorter lived than it previously was, and the types of anxiety attacks where I have to get out of my seat and walk around for an hour are so rare that I can't remember the last time it even happened.



Oddly, I don't get anxious about things that a lot of people do get anxious about. Public speaking would be the most obvious example—as nervous as I might be before I speak, once I'm up there, I'm fine. For most other people, though, it scares them shitless. And I totally understand why: who wants to fuck up in front of a group of people who are all paying attention to you at once? No one! People fear stumbling over words, speaking too quickly, appearing nervous, forgetting what to say, not getting laughs if they tell a joke. And those aren't stupid things to fear cos any one of those things can feel really embarrassing! I mean, does any audience really give a fuck if you have to start a sentence again? No, not really. But that doesn't mean you don't feel judged when you do so; it just means you're mistaken. And perhaps realising you're mistaken (or at least that you can be mistaken) is part of alleviating stage-fright, because you learn that, no, the first negative conclusion you jump to in your head about what the audience thinks of you isn't necessarily what they're actually thinking. It's still bad to forget lines or talk too quickly, but it's not the massive blunder people think it is; you just keep going. Maybe improvise a line if it's appropriate, but don't dwell on it. The audience basically cares as much as you let them care, so give them something else to think about: your next sentence.

I guess I wanna transfer that mindset to my everyday life more consistently: acknowledging mistakes, but also recognising when I make automated deductions based on fear rather than evidence, particularly when the evidence directly contradicts the theory put forth by fear. I dunno how common this is, so I've no clue if people can relate to my specific anxiety 'triggers' (for lack of a better word), but I'm sure people can relate to anxiety in general cos I don't think anyone's 100% immune to it.

Socialness: All the Things!

Shit's crazy right now, yo. Lots has happened over the past few months.

Starting at mid-January, I went to see a play last week that a friend was in. It's cool that meet-ups with the out-of-town group (for lack of a better name) are becoming more common. I'm really settled in now—there are a few times where I'm like "...what the hell are you guys even talking about >.>", but it's less and less common each time we congregate.

Seeing the play also spawned a little nostalgia trip: it reminded me of high school Drama class, and the school plays I was in. I miss that shit; it was so goddamn fun. Drama was my favourite class by a mile. I don't think uni has anything resembling 'school plays' which random students can audition for, but if they did, I would totally go for that. I was never terribly good at acting—I'm not the best at convincing an audience I'm somebody else—but performing is always fun as hell. Who knows, maybe I'll end up writing a fucking play someday :P



Next big thing: I had a sleepover! Seven people stayed at my house. Seven people. I've never had any people sleepover at my place, much less seven! But it was soooooo fffuuuuunnnn! There weren't any moments where it wasn't fun; literally the entire thing was amazing. I don't mean to sound arrogant, but seriously, nothing went wrong! Two people had to stay an extra night due to trackwork, but that wasn't hard to deal with at all.

We played games all weekend: Nintendo Land, Mario Kart, Smash Bros. U, Drawful, Fibbage, Word Spud, Boom Street... soooo many gggaammmeeess ^_^  And when it got too uncomfortable to play games (and it did a few times, due to the heat and humidity), we just watched Daria and The IT Crowd instead. I know a lot of people think playing games is anti-social, and it can be, but couch multiplayer is anything but anti-social. Couch multiplayer is just like playing a sport without moving: you team up, you trash talk, you celebrate successful co-operation, you bitch and moan when you get trounced. Don't sit there and tell me that's anti-social, cos it fucking isn't :P  One guy was playing on his phone a lot, but he's super shy, so I can relate to that—everyone needs their space, you know? But apart from that, we were bonding pretty much the whole time, even coming up with more in-jokes during the usual 'we're-in-bed-but-not-going-to-sleep-yet' chatting that always happens at these things.

We went to the beach too, and built this kick-ass sandcastle:

(correction: they built the sandcastle; I built the shapeless blob of sand next to it :P)

It was just so cool to have everything go so well for my first sleepover. The only thing that really went wrong was a few people not being able to show up, as well as a few people not getting back to me at all. I'm finding that to be a bit of a pain in the ass: people not replying when I invite them to stuff. I don't expect people to reply instantaneously; obviously, people need time to figure out whether they can attend things or not. Even if you respond the day before, that's fine, no biggie! But when you don't respond at all, or you say you're coming but then don't, that is incredibly fucking annoying. The invites went out a month before; there's no excuse for not replying except being lazy or inconsiderate. I don't hate the people who didn't get back to me, but I do hate their behaviour.

I'd like to host another one soon, but the next two will be organised by other people, and it's better to pass the burden around to multiple people rather than hog the glory of hosting all the time. I'm definitely gonna do it again, though! Everyone enjoyed themselves, and I had heaps of fun getting everything set up, even if it did mean carrying a TV, a PC, and several games consoles in and out of my house eight times in four days, plugging/unplugging everything each time :P



In more recent news, my best friend got back from Europe, and she came to see me a few days ago. Catching up with someone you haven't seen in a long time is always so cathartic: it's an incessant flow of stories and happiness. I remember seeing an old friend of mine from high school last year, and we were laughing before she'd even crossed the street to say hello. I don't know what the hell was so funny, but we laughed anyway :P  But it was awesome to have my closest friend back. We've already organised to see each other at uni once a week to chill and play games, so I'm looking forward to that regular interaction :)



As for future social thingies, apart from random stuff with my local group and sleepovers with the out-of-town group, there's not too much happening. The gaming association at my uni is hosting more regular meet-ups, and I'd like to go to them, but the last meet-up they held was on a day where I went to an open mic, and the next one is another day where I'll be performing. Seriously, events are always conflicting with each other for me; it's quite annoying :P  But if I can eventually hang with them and play some games, I might meet some new peeps.

There is still that part of me which wants to do things totally out of my comfort zone. I read about a friend of mine skinny dipping and was like "wow, that actually sounds... pretty cool." And that sounds weird for someone who's never been naked in front of somebody, but it doesn't sound that daunting. For starters, I've done more embarrassing shit on-stage in front of hundreds of people. When you take to the stage in a diaper and pretend to ejaculate from a baby bottle... your dignity becomes ready for just about anything you throw at it :P  And secondly, you'd be in the water most of the time, so it's not like anyone can see your junk unless you're out of the water, so who gives a fuck, right? It might be a bit scary, but if I have the chance to see some boobs, I'm in. I feel like the kind of people who skinny dip probably wouldn't even judge if someone felt bad about their body, or decided that skinny dipping wasn't for them—that kind of attitude just seems to fit well with the activity, and I'd be totally cool hanging around people like that. But it's obviously a very specific activity, one that doesn't exactly come up very often, so even if I would be comfortable with that, I can't hold out waiting for invitations (particularly when the friend in question was describing an all-girls night, so... yeah, not gonna work :P).

In a more general sense, I don't know what it is, but part of me just wants to do sexy shit like that, to get involved in more sexual scenarios (or any [hetero]sexual scenarios, really). It seems impossible to achieve without entering an atmosphere that's either a) totally foreign to me, or b) one I already know I won't do well in, but goddamn does hooking up sound fun right now :P  Given that I've now had at least one experience where people drinking weren't acting like asshats (a 21st I went to last year), I'm more privy to environments where people are drinking, at least people my age. It might just be my family who've left a fucking awful impression on me with regards to booze, now that I think about it. If other situations with alcohol are like that 21st like year, I'm all for more of that, cos it was really fun.

This doesn't change the main issue, though, one I also experienced last year at another 21st: the lack of commonality with the type of people who are in these environments. I don't go out, I don't sleep around, and I lack interest pop culture: I have very little in common with the kind of people who attend these things, making it really hard to get involved in socialising, even when that's what I want. It's not like these people are bad people; they're just different people. And perhaps I'm wrong about that too! Maybe that 21st was a one off in terms of the people there, and if I went to another place, I somehow would be able to bond with the other peeps. But if all these people talk about is drinking and partying and getting drunk and fucking each other and the latest TV shows and pop tracks... count me out. Unless you want me to sit there playing Super Mario Bros. on my phone, don't put me there, cos I'll fucking hate it :P

The other issue is that opportunities for this kind of thing are thin on the ground to begin with cos my friends are mostly like me with regards to social things, something I've mentioned before. I only have one friend who goes out and does these kinds of things. Going alone to these things really isn't an option, or is at least a real quick way to scare the bejeezus out of me. Even if I did want to go into a new environment, one I've shied away from in the past, if I went there alone, the level of social anxiety I'd have would be so intense that I'd have no chance of working my way in.

Simultaneously, I'd feel like a leech if I asked the aforementioned friend if I could tag along with her, cos it seems unfair on them to expect her to take care of me, or to even risk messing her evening up by doing something wrong or needing to be shown the ropes. This isn't a reaction to the thought of asking her; this is something I've thought about a lot, cos asking to go with her is something I've wanted to do quite a few times (and have done once or twice, probably before I developed the 'leech' feeling above). Any time I see her mention going out to something interesting, I think about it, but then go "no, don't do that. You'll be a liability: you'll stick to her like glue all fucking evening just to feel safe. Don't fuck up her evening; just let her do her own thing." I'd have to know for sure she was 100% OK with me tagging along before I even consider doing it.

And who knows: maybe it'll be so much fun that I decide to go out to these things on my own, or with people I meet while at these places who I get along with, which I probably will if I like these places. If not, then I'll know it sucks ass and I won't have to worry about missing out on anything (the entire point of such an outing would basically be to counteract FOMO right now :P).


Having thought about it, the desire to go out is probably a direct result of my desire to get laid, but I don't see a problem with that. I might go out once and hate it; that just means I have to find another way to get my rocks off. I might hook up once and have my desires satisfied, never feeling the need to go out again. I just wanna throw myself into the mix, I guess, and see how things go. The closest I can currently get is seeing chicks in comedy clubs, but that won't really work cos I'm out of town and always have to get back home, meaning I can't really do anything there—there were two cute girls at the last open mic I did, but I didn't approach them for this very reason.



 
Assuming for the meantime that I wouldn't do well in the type of places my friend goes to, where else is there? Like, yes, I meet new people through my out-of-town friends every now and then, but there's never really any opportunity to flirt (much less the confidence required to do so :P), nor have there been any people I've met who I'd actually sleep with yet. Any time I see questions about where to meet women or where to flirt with them, the answer from most people is "you can meet women anywhere! Talk to them on the street!", but I really don't think that's appropriate, at least not for me personally. And even if it is appropriate, I can hardly approach them in the most basic social situations, much less a totally non-social situation like a goddamn footpath. One step at a time, for fuck's sake :P

I guess it's just frustrating me a little that there are no outlets through which I can currently meet a girl and hit it off with her. In fact, it's not even a thing my friends talk about, because it's not something they're into. My friends are either in relationships, or just not interested in casual sex. But I am interested! It sounds really exciting! I just can't share that with anyone cos I'm fairly sure no one I know really relates to it.

And, oddly enough, this is a very specific desire for casual sex I'm feeling now. Sex in a relationship would be nice for its own reasons, and a relationship would ultimately provide far more for me, but hooking up is the type of sex I want to have at this exact moment. I dunno why, but it is. Or perhaps a more accurate way to explain it would be to say: while I would rather be in a relationship than hook up with girls, I would rather have the experience of hooking up with a girl before I enter a relationship, seeing as I can't hook up with one girl while dating another. It's the experience I want.

I swear to god, one day, I'm gonna find a way to make nerdy get-togethers hot. It will be done. I've got material on this already, as the set-up allows for a whole bunch of jokes, but I'd also like to see the idea in reality. Like, take Dungeons and Dragons: a tabletop RPG game where everyone plays together in a fantasy world, working their way through a narrative explained by the Game Master. All you'd have to do is make the narrative erotic! The players are all physically there, able to check each other out, and the game gives them characters through which they can flirt in kind of a 'safe' way, so they can suss each other out. Then, if two players like flirting in the game, they can flirt in real life too, getting each other's numbers and/or hooking up. Or for something simpler, instead of Strip Poker (which you could also play, I guess—something else I'd be up for personally, if only I could understand poker :P), instead of that, you have Super Strip Bros. You start up any version of Super Smash Bros., set it to Survival, and add one life for each article of clothing able to be removed. During the battle, whenever a player loses a life, they have to take off the next article of clothing on the list. And they aren't allowed to pause: they have to take it off quick enough such that they don't fall back into battle before they get their hands back on the controller. Once you got up to a certain level of nakedness, particularly with girls, the others would be at a disadvantage cos they'd have to prevent themselves from perving, or else they'd lose a life themselves. It just sounds so goddamn plausible I tell ya!

Perhaps I talk about this too much or too in-depth, but I'm just stuck in limbo here. I love hanging out with my current friends and wouldn't trade them for anyone because I have the greatest time when we hang out. But I don't see a way to hook up right now, at least not through my current social group. I was never really invited to parties or anything during high school, and I can't remember ever being able to play things like Spin the Bottle or whatever other party games there are; I didn't even really want to go to parties or do things like that when I was younger. So maybe these are just high-school-level carnal desires popping up at an inconvenient time. The curiosity won't go away, though.

I dunno how off-topic I got but I'ma stop now :P

Open Mic 1 and Open Mic 2

How did I go? How well did I do?
Which jokes went well? Which ones did I screw?
Why does this rhyme? I don't really know.



So, I went to two open mics last week, testing material for a comedy competition I'm doing tomorrow. How was my first open mic performance, my first stand-up performance in over two years? Rusty. Very, very rusty :P

After walking down to the train station, I got my ticket, and ended up running into someone from high school who I hadn't spoken to in ages. We were catching the same train, so we ended up reminiscing about high school and discussing comedy for the whole trip--a surprisingly cool way to start the journey!

I got off the train, and had no clue where I was, cos I'd never been in Central alone before. I ended up walking all the way around it before I got to where I wanted to go, allowing me to orient myself in the direction of the venue. The GPS on my phone was proving very useful; the fact that Google Maps doesn't save street names for offline maps was not at all useful. A map without street names is nothing more than post-modern geometric art. I walked down to the venue, arriving earlier than I expected. My friend turned up not long after, so we started chatting.

It was at this point that the nerves started. This is normal, particularly when you consider I haven't performed in two years--just part of the deal, as I've come to learn. I went upstairs when sign-ups began and put my name down, before going to sit down near the front and going over my lines. The others sat more towards the back, though the room did pretty much fill up by the time the show started. The room seemed to fit about 40-50 people in it. One guy who was sitting behind us, a guy who'd seemingly been there before, spoke to me a little. I asked him how the room was, and he said it was a good room: the crowd was accepting, and though a performer may or may not do well (especially considering many will be trying out new material), there's no animosity or heckling or anything.

Not long after we spoke, the show began. The running order was determined by lucky dip; I was up towards the end of the first half. This started the Anxiety Countdown Timer™ in my head, meaning I was getting progressively more nervous until I was due to perform (but again, that's just how it is). Despite my nerves, I was confident I'd do well, even though I hadn't performed in a while. I wasn't certain I'd do well; I just believed the material was reliable.

In the meantime, I watched the performers before me go up. The audience is pretty much entirely comedians going up to perform, save a few people there to see their friends. The performances were alright--nothing special, but again, it's an open mic, so you're not expecting perfection. It wasn't horrible, though! I chuckled at most of the people who went up before me. I wasn't laughing my ass off, but I wasn't bored or anything either. Thing was, though I was chuckling at the material, many people weren't. It seemed borderline impossible to get anything beyond a slight laugh from the crowd.

That didn't faze me, though. As nervous as I was, I was fairly sure that when I got up there, I'd do reasonably well. I mean, my jokes were at least partially tested--each one had been posted to reddit in written form, and had done well there--so I wasn't going up totally blind, right?

My name was eventually called, and I went up. I had two openers to test: the first one didn't get much of a response, and the second one kinda got a response, but it was a delayed response (it's one of those jokes that takes a while to figure out, thus not really a prime candidate for 'first joke in your set' :P). Usually, when I perform, the first laugh I get is what relaxes me, but I didn't get laughs for my opening jokes, so I wasn't able to chill out. The joke I did after that got almost no response. One person started to clap (it was one of those jokes that tries to make a point; he must have liked the point I made, even if the joke was shit :P), but nothing beyond that was given. The jokes I did after that got a fairly mild response at best.

After I sat back down, I didn't feel angry or regretful; what I felt was confused. I thought "what happened? Why did the performance go that badly? Some people who went up before me went worse, so I wasn't totally awful, but I felt like I could've done a lot better than that." I would have to wait until I got home to review the tape and figure things out. The room didn't get much easier for the others after that, either. I can thing of three or four performers out of the thirty-or-so who performed who did what I'd call 'well' in terms of audience response (and one of them was only funny cos he was rambling while smashed, so... yeah :P). I left the venue determined to figure out what the hell happened when I got home, as well as working on improving the one joke that got almost no response (that's gotta be the quality of joke, not the room).

When I got home and reviewed the tape, it became clear that I was hella nervous. I can be on-stage and not feel nervous, but still look and sound nervous, which is annoying, but also helpful to realise. I was nervous during the lead-up as I always am, but that never subsided once I started performing. This basically meant that while the other performers were 'loose', I was 'rigid'. The good performers that night were calm, acknowledging bad jokes, interacting with the audience, and able to improvise. I, on the other hand, was nervous as hell, moving past bad jokes almost immediately, hardly acknowledging the audience at all, and sticking to my script like glue. Bad stage feel, yo. Stuff like moving past bad jokes is actually what I'd been taught to be proper form (in Drama class, I'd always been told to keep going on-stage no matter what happened), but the rest was all on me.

This didn't explain why the others didn't get a good reaction, though. I discovered one of my openers wasn't delivered correctly, which screwed it up, and the jokes which got borderline-zero reaction probably just aren't good jokes, but the other jokes were delivered properly, and they got about as much reaction as many of the other comics did, even the ones I thought were good who just weren't received well. Could it be that the room's just difficult? I believed so. If it'd been only me and a few others who'd done mediocre, it would've made sense to blame the performers, but heaps of people seemed to do worse than they deserved. That's not to say the room was shitty or mean-spirited, but it suggests that something beyond my control was interfering with my performance.



So, I found a new opener, touched up the joke that didn't work at all, substituted tested material for untested material that I wanted to test, and went up to the second open mic on Sunday. I wasn't fazed by my performance on Wednesday; in fact, I was glad I went up, cos it meant I was able to fuck up there rather than during the competition. This venue was smaller, but there were also less comedians, and the performance was far shorter--most of the audience were there to actually watch rather than perform. Some of the people who I saw on Wednesday were here too, which was cool. I didn't really speak to anyone other than the guy managing the show, although one of the people I saw on Wednesday said he recognised me.

Once the show started, it was revealed I was on third. I liked this: intead of having to wait through ten performances to get the nerves out of the way, I only had to wait through two :P  The nerves were definitely there, but they were far less intense than on Wednesday. The audience was actually responding well too, which was good to hear. There was one guy who was heckling the MC rather incessantly, and I was scared of being heckled cos I haven't really been heckled before, but I knew I'd only be able to react to him as he heckled, and thus there was no point worrying about it in advance.

Eventually, I went up. I noticed the first performer was an adult, and the second performer was more of a young adult, so being the 15-year-old-look-alike that I am, I opened with an improvised line about the comics getting younger and younger, which went OK. The original opener followed that, and also went OK. The re-written version of the joke that totally failed on Wednesday was, again, not fantastically received (I'm determined to make that motherfucker work :P). The jokes after that, however, went great! It wasn't the best performance I've ever done or anything, but the jokes were getting good laughs, I was reacting to the crowd, I closed pretty damn well, and I was comfortable throughout the entire thing, even at the beginning which was a tad shaky. I sat back down with a sense of satisfaction, as I now knew it wasn't the jokes that were bad; it was, at least in part, my delivery.

After I sat down and the next act was introduced, the MC walked past me, patted me on the shoulder, and said I did well. That was confirmation to me that, yes, this was a good performance. One or two of the other comics who went up before the halfway mark gave me thumbs up as well. During the break, an audience member came up to me and said "keep doing what you're doing, cos you kinda remind me of a young Bill Hicks". And that was the dude who was heckling. I got complimented by a fucking heckler. That was a pretty cool compliment. I know I'm nowhere near Hicks in terms of insight or providence, but to even remind someone of him is pretty bad-ass.

The rest of the show made a second point clear: the room on Wednesday was, indeed, a tough room. This room was way more appropriate in terms of its reaction to jokes. I mean, there were less people in the audience on Sunday than there were on Wednesday, but the Sunday audience laughed way more! The comedians were definitely getting the laughs they deserved, and the audience seemed way more into it, probably cos they weren't all there just to perform. When I emailed the organiser earlier in the week, he mentioned that when they organised performers on the day (like the place on Wednesday) rather than in advance, the quality of the performances was far lower, so it seems like organising them in advance is definitely the way to go, as the audience enjoys it more, and the comics get a better crowd.

When I left, I was again told I did well by a few people. The guy who said he saw me at the Wednesday venue (who was the MC on Wednesday, in fact), said I did well, and actually suggested that I apply to the organiser at the Sunday venue to perform for their Monday show, a show for established comics--he clarified I might not even get a response, but that it was worth a shot). I dunno if I'll do that, but if I do well in RAW, then that'll get me a name for myself, and I can use the extra rep to apply for that show, cos I'd love to play that room again. Even if I went back on a Sunday, it'd still be great to go back. I said the MC did better here than on Wednesday, and he said "yeah, that room's a hard room". And I'm like I fucking knew it! So yeah, I'll probably go back there eventually too, but I'll know what to expect next time :p



The only other thing to talk about was transport, which was actually pretty easy! It is a little disorienting, being in a foreign place and having to figure out where to go on your own, especially when you walk past where you're supposed to go and you have to double back, but you don't know that you've missed something, so you keep going, and it takes far too long for it to dawn on you that, yes, you fucking missed your turn and you have to go back you stupid fuck--that happens a little too often for me :P  But I know where these places are now, so I'll have no problem getting there in the future. I'm also becoming more familiar with the train stations and platforms too, as well as now knowing that there are actually quite a few people on trains at 10-11pm, so that was way less scary than I thought it would be. It's not the barren wasteland I expected it to be. I know you've still gotta watch your back, particularly in Sydney at night (so many unlit streets, Jesus fucking Christ), but the trains are relatively safe, it seems.

So yes, I'm getting back into this shit now, for realz. I'll be doing my competition performance tomorrow, and I'm fairly sure I'll do well. The one joke that hasn't worked the first two times has been almost entirely re-written, and my mum laughed at it when I told her, so I'll have to hope the audience's sense of humour mirrors hers. I want that joke in there cos it makes a damn good point, and if I can convey that point in a way that's actually funny, I know it'll go down well with the crowd.

So yeah, that's been my week. Shall make a post about some other stuff soon enough :)

EDIT: One thing that did annoy me a bit was that most people who were invited to the Sunday performance didn't respond for some reason. I didn't understand that. It's not that they didn't go; it's that they said literally nothing in the lead-up to the performance date, so I had no idea if they'd even seen or understood the invite, much less if they wanted to go. And if they're busy, or just don't wanna go, that's totally fine, but they should still tell me that. They don't even have to provide an explanation! I don't care why they aren't going; they just have to decline the invite, so I'm not sitting there at the train station wondering if people have responded at the last minute perchance. Not a fan of flaky people.

Open Mic: It's happening!

I'm finally going up to Sydney to do some open mics! Hooray! My first one is tonight at 19:30, and my second one is on Sunday at 19:00. It's the first time I've performed in almost two years, so I'm pumped :D

Though I'm not 100% sure about who (if anyone) is going up with me on the Sunday, as I've only just sent out invitations, I'm definitely going up to Sydney alone tonight. Though I've previously stated that I'd be hella nervous going up to Sydney alone, I'm actually less worried than I thought I would be. I'm catching the train up at 16:00, and I'll arrive at the venue well before nightfall, so that's not a problem; and the path from the venue to the train station is along a main strip, so I should be safe there. The venue's also way way closer to Central than I thought it would be—I originally thought I'd have to get off at some weird stop and walk from there, but that turned out not to be the case. The only bit I am worried about is the train ride back. So long as I secure a seat near the guard carriage, I should be fine, but riding a train alone at night is not my idea of safety and/or fun :P  I don't even know exactly when I'll get back to the train station at this point, cos the show has no definite end-time, but I'll just have to roll with it and get on the first train I can.

Hopefully, I can have someone tag along with me for the second performance, but if I can go alone this time, I can go alone next time too. I'm not too concerned with being alone at the actual venue cos the other people there are either comedy fans or comedians themselves, so surely we'll have some common ground. I've been in scarier places; this isn't a huge deal.

I'll report back once I finish my performance (perhaps once I finish both). I've got other posts with more information in them about other things, so it's not as though nothing's been happening, but I haven't bothered to finish the posts I've started to post them.

Unless I get stabbed, of course—then I'll report back on the stabbing :)