Fear: Not to be Confused with Reason

I've started to realise that I'm using logic to fuck myself out of doing stuff I wanna do, stuff that, using different logic, can be easily justified. It's ridiculous. Like, I was thinking about how hesitant I am to initiate conversations, and this came to mind when I was being driven home by a friend of mine. Another friend was in the car with me, and they're chatting away about something or other. They were talking about drinking before talking about clubbing, so, as someone who doesn't drink it up nor party it down, I don't have anything to say on the matter. Once he gets to where he's got to go, it's just the driver and I. Now, in my eyes, what's happened is clear: my other friend took the conversation with him when he got out of the car, leaving me with nothing. Any normal person, however, knows this situation is easily remedied: just talk. Just fucking talk! The first thing that pops into your head (which passes the self-censorship board, of course :P), just say it. Simply think of a random question, ask it, and go with the flow.

This process is automatic and instantaneous for most—I am not most, so for me, the process is more like this:

"What should I ask? Well, I can't ask her how her day was; I've been with her for part of the day, making that a stupid question. I can't relate to what they were talking about before... um... politics? Religion? Nah, not related to any recent verbal exchange, too left field... what she's been up to in the past week? Too personal, seems obsessive..."

...so I end up not talking at all. Looking back, the best idea by far was to ask about her week—obsessive? The fuck am I talking about? If someone asked how my week was, I'd be over the moon due to the mere presence of care in someone else about anything I do ever. And the best thing? Not only could she talk about her week, but I could talk about my week, allowing myself to recount details of what was probably the most social week of my entire life! That's not invasive; that's socialising. So much fail :P

This train of logic is just a cover-up for the real reasoning—I don't wanna say something dumb and embarrassing, so I find a way to make this seem way riskier than it actually is so I can feel justified in avoiding contact. The thing I hate most about this is how it seems to never not work :P Like, let's say I'm in a larger social setting, lots of people I don't know hanging around. I'm sitting with friends, engaged in conversation, comfortable, having a good time. Now, let's put a girl within visible range, but out of verbal reach—it's a bit too loud for me to grab her attention without walking over to where she is. She passes the physical examination quickly, and she is alone; I keep an eye on her for ten to fifteen minutes and no one of any description has approached her. This in mind, I'm obviously not obliged to stay with my friends. Shit, let's even say I somehow feel it appropriate to point this girl out to my friends and mention that I like the look of her and want to go over and talk to her or something (this alone is unlikely, give the almost certain 'logical' defence of "Your friends don't give a fuck who you are attracted to; keep that shit to yourself").

It is at this point that logic would step in to 'avert disaster':

"What do you want to do, exactly?"

"I wanna talk to that girl over there."

"But aren't you talking with your friends?"

"They're not gonna give a shit if I leave; they even said I should do it."

"They seem to forget basic morality: it's not right to talk to people you don't know. You don't walk up to strangers on the street and talk to them, do you? No. You know why? Because you know it's not right!"

"This is a social setting, dude, it's fine."

"No it isn't—you assume she is simply there for you to approach and talk to. What if she's waiting for someone?"

"No one's talked to her the whole time I've been looking at her."

"Well, maybe she wants to be alone! If she wanted to talk to someone, surely she'd go find someone to talk to. Are you assuming she's too weak to make that decision on her own? That's rather judgemental of you. Who are you to interfere with her solitude?"

"Maybe she'd like someone to talk to her; I honestly don't think she'd mind."

"Well then, what shall you say to this woman? 'Hi, I'm Liam and I don't eat properly! Wanna go out?'

"...well no——"

"No? Not gonna tell her up front? She has to find out eventually. Ooh, I know—how about 'Hi, I'm Liam. Can I wrap my arms around you and cuddle you?' Because that worked so well last time."

"I didn't really see any point in planning further than saying 'Hi' and then mentioning seeing her alone, thinking she might wanna talk to someone rather than sitting around alone, that kind of thing."

"'That kind of thing'? Since when did you do improv, boy? You can't even think of what to say when you're in a car with someone you know, and you think you can pull off some spur-of-the-moment sweet talk? And isn't she going to be a little suspicious that some borderline anorexic male walks up to her and starts chatting her up? She'll pick you for the sleaze you are rather quickly, I guarantee you."

"...you're a cunt. Seriously. You are a huge cunt."

"The cunt keeping you out of trouble. Stay with your friends—they accept your retarded self. That girl? She will not."

I'll look at her the whole evening, wishing I had the balls but never actually getting them.

What's strange is I hear about guys who proposition girls without even breaking a sweat—like, they go right up to 'em and just ask for what they want, without mincing the oath in any way, shape, or form. These guys who ask chicks for their numbers right off the bat, or if they wanna make out, or if they wanna fuck—how the hell do they pull that off? Is there not some part of them that's like "Hold up! Maybe she'd like to get to know you first!" This is one area where logic and I can agree: that's too fast for me. I'm not quite so impatient. I am never going to be able to justify asking for a hook up, not with this repugnant body :P But I don't even wanna go that far; I just wanna chat and get to know them first, but I can't even bring myself to do that, even when I think it's the right thing to do considering the more hasty alternatives!

Shit, I even managed to ask girls out back when I was in high school—I used to do that. I used to take action. I used to talk to them, or at least try. I used to actually make progress and work towards asking them out; now I'm struggling to even get to know them at all. Problem is, all three of the girls I've wanted to ask out were girls I went to high school with (hence seeing them all the time, making it a lot easier to get to know them), and girls I loved (giving me the incentive to do all this stuff). Those luxuries are gone now—without getting to know them, love is impossible, and without the motivation love would otherwise give me, I need to find a new reason that will push me onto the field and into action.

...why can't I just use sex to do that like all the other guys... stupid fucking morality, always holding me back >.<